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: You know what I do remember? You making me drive you home from the beach 'cause you got too drunk! Donny
: It makes sense to me. When somebody's hammered, they have another guy drive home! Todd
: I was eight!
: I promise you, I'll never forget you again.
[gives him a gift
: You got me a gift... an earring? But I don't have a pierced ear. Donny
[Donny jams the earring on his son's ear
: [his face smeared with blood
] Am I bleeding? Donny
: I don't think so.
: What'd I do to his back? Todd
: Let me jog your memory...
[shows a tattoo on his back
] The New Kids on the Block! The heads are all warped! Todd
: That's because I got it in third grade; my body grew!
: Do you have any AXE body spray? Todd
: No, Donny. I don't have any AXE body spray because I'm not a fucking douchebag. Donny
: That's a douchebag thing? When did that become a douchebag thing?
: [after punching Chad
] At ease, bitch!
: [Talking to the priest after being reprimanded, almost whispering
] You know I, can't hear a word you're saying. All I can focus on is your shit breath.
: So Todd, how does one get into the hedgehog business anyway? Todd
: Oh, it's actually hedge funds. Chad
] You think you're better than me?
: Your mother was a math teacher and I was pretty much a whiz kid myself. Todd
: The ability to make a bong out of a Taco Bell cup does not make you a whiz kid, Donny.
: [after Jamie whispers in his ear
] What? Agh! You fuck your brother?
[the crowd uproars
] Father Shakalu
: Fucking white people.
: [sees 5 dollar bill in Donny's towel
] What's this, sir? Donny
: Oh, that's just a little, eheh, tip if you give me a full package. Masseuse
: Oh, okay. That's a 150 dollar additional charge. Donny
: Heh, you're talkin' to the wrong guy. That's a little out of my price range. Masseuse
: It includes scalp treatment, reflexology... Donny
: How much is it to tickle my pickle? To yank my crank? To give me a ho-jo to go? Sweetheart, I'm not asking for a finger up the ass. I just want you to just jerk it a little bit. Todd
: Donny! This isn't a brothel.