Sophie Kachinsky
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Quotes for
Sophie Kachinsky (Character)
from "2 Broke Girls" (2011)

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"2 Broke Girls: And the One-Night Stands (#1.18)" (2012)
Sophie Kachinsky: There's only one party worse than this one. The Donner party... And they had better food.

Sophie Kachinsky: Max, I know you had limited budget, but music is free.
Max Black: Yeah, well I'm a douche.

Caroline Channing: Congratulations. It's official. Our website is now live.
Max Black: Congratulations. It's official, you're a whore. I hear you got your Kinko's card punched.
Caroline Channing: What, heh?
Max Black: Don't "what" me. I know you hooked up with the webmaster.
Oleg: [Oleg rings the bell] Pick up.
Caroline Channing: Oleg, you told Max?
Oleg: What's happening?
Caroline Channing: Our deal's off. Oleg had sex with Sophie last night.
[Max gasps]
Sophie Kachinsky: No. No. It wasn't sex. Just hand stuff. Yeah. And nothing above the waist. I'm a lady. Yeah. I got all hot and bothered watching Caroline and big Han.
Edwin: Okay.
[Edwin chuckles]
Edwin: You know, I really think this is between Caroline and me.
Han Lee: You mean between Caroline, you and your strippers.
Caroline Channing: Strippers?
Han Lee: I have seen this man in a strip club.
Max Black: Han, you were in a strip club?
Han Lee: [Han points to Earl] Earl took me.
[Earl stands there with his mouth wide open]
Earl: Damn it, Han! You gonna sell me out, after I spotted you a hundred dollars in ones.
Oleg: You went to Spreaders without me?

"2 Broke Girls: And the Messy Purse Smackdown (#1.21)" (2012)
Caroline Channing: [after someone knocks on the door] Who is it?
Sophie Kachinsky: [from behind door] Kim Kardashian.
[Caroline opens the door and lets her in]
Sophie Kachinsky: No, I'm not Kim Kardashian. No, I work for a living.

Caroline Channing: Sophie? I can't believe I'm about to say this, but for Oleg, It's not just about sex. He feels things for you. I know for a fact he's buying you a special gift. Tell her, Max.
Max Black: Well, he mentioned something about a fur and tonight when he was talking about you, he did use the word "love."
Sophie Kachinsky: [with her mouth stuffed full of cupcakes] "Love"? Oh, come on, don't ruin my cupcake buzz. I mean this man has no future. Yes, he does have a giant penis, but no future. I mean, I worked hard to get where I am. I need a man who has a dream and a drive. And, I can buy a big, giant penis online for $47.
Max Black: Really? "Add to cart."

"2 Broke Girls: And the Escape Room (#5.5)" (2015)
Randy: Arnold Schwarzenegger's is big; Michael J. Fox's is small; the Pope has one but doesn't use it; Madonna doesn't have one at all.
Oleg: Dongs. The answer is dongs.
Sophie Kachinsky: C'mon, Oleg, I mean, nobody can say for sure that Madonna doesn't have one.
Max Black: Dongs aren't the answer to everything. I used to think that. You know where that got me? Pennsylvania, with no car.
Caroline Channing: Schwarzenegger's is big, Schwarzenegger's is big; Fox's is small. It's last names. The pope doesn't use his. Madonna doesn't have one at all. That's it.
Randy: Correctamundo!
Randy: With your brain power, you'll be out of her in under an hour.
Caroline Channing: Well, thanks. But if I was that smart, I wouldn't have spent the last four years getting ripped off by my roommate.

Sophie Kachinsky: Okay, Oleg. Drop your pants. The monkey wants his banana.
Max Black: Caroline, if I have to see Oleg so much as honk one of her boobs, I'm gonna lose it.
Caroline Channing: [in Irish accent] I would help you and be your heaven-sent, but you screwed me on the rent.

"2 Broke Girls: And the Window of Opportunity (#2.24)" (2013)
Sophie Kachinsky: Oleg cheated on me and I'm so
Sophie Kachinsky: maaaaaaaaaaad! Oh I have to break things! But everything upstairs in my apartment is too nice! So
[Sofie breaks something]
Sophie Kachinsky: run a tab girls!