Han Lee
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Quotes for
Han Lee (Character)
from "2 Broke Girls" (2011)

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"2 Broke Girls: And the Rich People Problems (#1.4)" (2011)
Han Lee: Hipsters like karaoke.
Max Black: Replace the work 'like' with the word 'Hitler' and you have the 3 worst things in history.

Max Black: And the technical term for you is "overly-dramatic". Yesterday you freaked out because we were out of toilet paper. Just hold it 'til you get to work like everybody else.
Han Lee: Now maybe I sing while others wait.
Max Black: Uh-oh. We got real problems now.
Han Lee: I choose Susan Boyle popular song from all clips on internet. It's called I Dream...
[Max unplugs microphone while Han is talking]
Max Black: Keep dreaming.

Han Lee: Ok, next person is going to sing teenage dream by Katy Perry who is pretty now but used to have very horrible acne.
Earl: This is the third teenage dream in forty-five minutes. Why don't I just close my nuts in the cashier's drawer?

"2 Broke Girls: And the One-Night Stands (#1.18)" (2012)
Han Lee: Tomorrow is Caroline's birthday.
Max Black: Why don't I know that about her? She tells me everything. I know so much about her cycle I feel pressure to impregnate her.
Oleg: I can do that for you.

Caroline Channing: Congratulations. It's official. Our website is now live.
Max Black: Congratulations. It's official, you're a whore. I hear you got your Kinko's card punched.
Caroline Channing: What, heh?
Max Black: Don't "what" me. I know you hooked up with the webmaster.
Oleg: [Oleg rings the bell] Pick up.
Caroline Channing: Oleg, you told Max?
Oleg: What's happening?
Caroline Channing: Our deal's off. Oleg had sex with Sophie last night.
[Max gasps]
Sophie Kachinsky: No. No. It wasn't sex. Just hand stuff. Yeah. And nothing above the waist. I'm a lady. Yeah. I got all hot and bothered watching Caroline and big Han.
Edwin: Okay.
[Edwin chuckles]
Edwin: You know, I really think this is between Caroline and me.
Han Lee: You mean between Caroline, you and your strippers.
Caroline Channing: Strippers?
Han Lee: I have seen this man in a strip club.
Max Black: Han, you were in a strip club?
Han Lee: [Han points to Earl] Earl took me.
[Earl stands there with his mouth wide open]
Earl: Damn it, Han! You gonna sell me out, after I spotted you a hundred dollars in ones.
Oleg: You went to Spreaders without me?

"2 Broke Girls: And the Past and the Furious (#4.9)" (2015)
Han Lee: That's a $450,000 sports car.
Max Black: I know. Add a stackable washer/dryer and a motor home, and it's like Caroline won the the Showcase Showdown.

Han Lee: [Han Lee comes in with a CPR doll] Okay, everybody, gather around.
Max Black: Who knew it was "bring your girlfriend to work" day?
Han Lee: She is not my girlfriend. Judy is a CPR doll and the hardest working girl in this diner.
Caroline Channing: [Caroline comes out from the diner work area] Oh, Han you shouldn't bring your sex doll out in public.
Han Lee: This is not my girlfriend or a sex doll!

"2 Broke Girls: And the Hold-Up (#2.3)" (2012)
Han Lee: [Han pulls out a hand gun and points it at the robber] I don't think so, homeboy... You're in my house now, bitch!

Han Lee: Look at that. Something ate right through the Swiffer. And I don't think it was the bleach. How will you ever live with the shame?
Caroline Channing: Can you believe that was the man that saved us?
Max Black: Yeah, I did not see a gun coming. I saw nun-chucks, ninja smoke, maybe some hair-pulling, but not a gun.

"2 Broke Girls: And the Pop-Up Sale (#1.12)" (2011)
Han Lee: OK, first comment. Dark haired waitress.
Max Black: [high pitched and happily] Hey!
Han Lee: Was very rude!
Max Black: [high pitched and happily] Hey!

Oleg: Over there they roll fast and loose.
Han Lee: Well, this is how I roll.
Max Black: Yeah, short and slow.
Han Lee: No, I roll Fast and Furious, Tokyo Drift style!

"2 Broke Girls: And the Fun Factory (#4.8)" (2015)
Han Lee: Thank you, everyone, for staying late to learn our new iPad order system.
Earl: We had no choice. You locked the door from the outside.
Han Lee: Either way, we're learning.
Caroline Channing: Han, why would we update your order system when our uniforms are from the 1970's and our paychecks are from the 1800s?
Han Lee: Let's get to the tutorial. Max, you and I are going to role-play.
Max Black: All right, you can be the little bitch and I'll be me.
Oleg: I don't need this lesson. I'm very familiar with the touch screen. Let's just say I put the "goo" in Google.
Han Lee: I'm going to pretend I'm a customer and order a hamburger. Hello, Miss. I'll have a hamburger.
Max Black: Certainly, Miss. Would you like that with or without Salmonella?

Han Lee: I'm in a casual flirtation with a woman in Australia. She's part Aboriginal but has a great personality.

"2 Broke Girls: And the Big Hole (#2.20)" (2013)
Han Lee: You think you're too good for the diner?
Caroline Channing: I think sour bread is too good for the diner.

Han Lee: What other career options do you have Caroline? Hmm lets see cupcakes? No wait your shop didn't last six months!
Caroline Channing: Don't go there Han.
Han Lee: Oh I'm already there and now I'm back.
Caroline Channing: That shop was our dream Han, and this is just a dumb diner.
Han Lee: Your fired!
Caroline Channing: Oooo I'm fired? Max, Han just fired me.
Max Black: You lucky son of a whore.
Han Lee: I'm serious Caroline you just called my diner dumb. At least my diner is still open and successful where as your cupcake shop was so dumb it failed.
Earl: Oh, he did not just go there.
Han Lee: I went there and I came back and then I went there again!

"2 Broke Girls: And the New Boss (#2.9)" (2012)
Han Lee: Caroline is late again. And she better not use your new cupcake shop as an excuse this time, 'cause sista, that crap ain't gonna fly.
Max Black: First of all, stop talking like you're in a Tyler Perry movie. And secondly,
[Caroline comes in without Han noticing]
Max Black: Caroline's here, she's in the kitchen.
Han Lee: Oh, really? 'Cause when I was in there, you told me she was out here. You play me, fool.
Max Black: Stop talking like you're in a Tyler Perry sequel.

"2 Broke Girls: And the Girlfriend Experience (#3.7)" (2013)
Caroline Channing: Han, what are you thinking? How are you ever gonna pull this off?
Han Lee: With the help of my two best friends?
Max Black: Oh, good! Who are they?

"2 Broke Girls: And the Window of Opportunity (#2.24)" (2013)
Han Lee: Oh P90X don't fail me now!

"2 Broke Girls: And the Kitty Kitty Spank Spank (#3.3)" (2013)
Caroline Channing: Hey Han, do you want a cat?
Max Black: You can finally have a friend your own size. C'mon you can ride it to work.
Han Lee: No, I can't have a cat. They're lazy, moody and judgmental. I don't need another you. Plus they don't show affection.
Max Black: Sure they do, you just have to know how to get it out of them. Cats love to be lightly spanked on their bottom.
Han Lee: I don't understand why a cat would like that. So mysterious.
Max Black: [Max starts spanking Han] Kitty, Kitty, Kitty, Kitty, Kitty, Kitty, Kitty, Kitty, Kitty, Kitty.
Han Lee: Hmm, well, I can't have a cat, I work all the time. Why did I like that so much?
Max Black: I dunno, something with boobs was touching you?
Han Lee: People with boobs touch me.
Caroline Channing: She means aside from your mom.
Han Lee: Then, no.

"2 Broke Girls: And the Extra Work (#2.22)" (2013)
Caroline Channing: We gotta figure out a way to get paid to sit around and eat food and do nothing more often.
Han Lee: Oh I think you cracked that code a long time ago.

"2 Broke Girls: And Strokes of Goodwill (#1.3)" (2011)
Han Lee: Max, I'm talking to you.
Max Black: Oh, I didn't hear you I have my earbuds in.
Han Lee: [Picks up earbuds from off the table] What are these?
Max Black: Ok you had to bust a move and get all "the truth" on my ass fine let's go there. Han, I'm never gonna be your Facebook friend.

"2 Broke Girls: And the Group Head (#3.4)" (2013)
Caroline Channing: [Caroline is talking about the new cappuccino machine] Okay, good. Now we've got the power on, but how do we steam the milk? Maybe it's on this touchpad thing.
[Caroline pushes a button and a ton of hot steam comes out and Caroline screams]
Caroline Channing: Oh, Holy Mother of God! I just steamed my vagina.
Han Lee: [Han comes into the back diner area] Max, Caroline, your shift started three minutes ago.
Caroline Channing: Who cares about sidework? I probably can't have children.
Han Lee: What is wrong with her?
Max Black: She just had her carpet steamed-cleaned.