Doug Glatt
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Quotes for
Doug Glatt (Character)
from Goon (2011)

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Goon (2011)
Doug Glatt: Where is LaFlamme?
Gord Ogilvey: Probably giving some single mother herpes out in the parking lot.

Eva: You make me wanna stop sleeping with a bunch of guys.
Doug Glatt: That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.

Evgeni: We should sign his dick. Everyone sign his dick!
Doug Glatt: What's happening here?
Oleg: What's the matter? You have a little puss-puss? Mommy whipped up a pussy pot pie, huh?
Evgeni: Let's see what's going on over there.
Oleg: Show us your dick.
Doug Glatt: I don't want you to see my dick.
Oleg: Why you being gay?
Marco: I think you're fuckin', being... pretty gay.
Oleg: It's not gay.
Evgeni: Not if you're brothers.
Marco: If you're brothers it's gay with a fuckin' dash of something else.
Doug Glatt: My brother's gay and he doesn't even do that.
Marco: I've been playing hockey my whole life, I never fuckin' signed no ones dick man.
John Stevenson: I'll sign your dick Doug.

Oldfield: Hey Glatt, you little fuckin' dick weed. You try any of that shit you did against Hamilton on me, I'll light your fuckin' ass up!
Doug Glatt: Hey! I'll light your ass... back up... on fire.

Gord Ogilvey: Alright boys, listen up. We're sill in this thing. We just need a quick one.
John Stevenson: Listen up Cash!
Gord Ogilvey: We gotta work harder than them, okay?
John Stevenson: Harder than them, guys.
Gord Ogilvey: You know what's hard work? Going through a divorce, she's trying to get all my money now. She can have half of it, I don't give a shit. The other half, hard work, mine! Some guys on their team are fuckin' divorced. Three guys there, who's fuckin' marriages are in the fuckin' toilet.
John Stevenson: We're playing divorced guys.
Doug Glatt: Yeah!
Gord Ogilvey: We gotta be fuckin' triceps, biceps, arceps hard!
Doug Glatt: Hard!
Gord Ogilvey: Greek fuckin' underground gay porn hard!
John Stevenson: We're all Adonis's
Gord Ogilvey: Highlanders, gay porn hard!
Doug Glatt: Gay porn hard!

Rollie Hortense: It's just too bad those are your teammates that you fucked up out there.
Doug Glatt: Oh, I'm sorry sir.
Rollie Hortense: Of course, on the bright side, those are your teammates that you fucked up out there. What do you say son, you wanna be an Assassin?
Doug Glatt: Yes, yes.
Rollie Hortense: What number you wanna wear?
Ryan: 69! Take the number 69, It's hilarious!
Doug Glatt: Is that number taken?

Doug Glatt: Hey! What the hell?
Ryan: Recognize!
Doug Glatt: Of course I recognize you!
Ryan: You recognize this big fuckin' beautiful family of yours?
Doug Glatt: Oh my god, this is amazing, I'm so happy!
Ronnie Hortense: Glatt! What the fuck are you doing mother fucker? Start skating, chase some ice!

Doug Glatt: I think we both have a light in our stomachs. A special light. Like ET. And the team needs somebody to light the way. My stomach light needs your stomach light. We can all phone home together.

[last lines]
Doug Glatt: I think I nailed him.

Doug Glatt: I'm stupid, he's gay... we're stupidgay.

[after Eva comes up to him crying]
Doug Glatt: Hey - what happened? Did you just watch Rudy?

Ryan: I've never seen Rhea lose his shit like that before. He got suspended for 20 fucking games. Boston sends him down to St. John's. He's 40-years old. That's it! He's fucking done, son. I'll probably feature it on next week's Hot Ice, unless that motherfucker Sully from Worcester calls in again. Last week, he called in pretending that he was from some fucking sweepstakes and he told me that I had won the grand prize of 50 cocks in my mouth. He goes, I have the option of sucking all 50 at once or one a month for 50 fucking months. Fuck, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bring you down, pal.
Doug Glatt: Oh, no no no. I don't have a thing, you know? Like, you have your show. My dad and my brother, they have their doctor thing. I don't got a thing. Everybody's got something but me.
Ryan: Would it help that I want you inside me? That I want you to make lemonade in my chocolate factory? Hey? Fuck this sad shit. Let's just go watch the Assassins kick the shit out of Oshawa. I'll fill your big thick ass full of fucking corn dogs.

O'Sullivan: Hi there, I was wondering if you like hot dogs.
Doug Glatt: Yes, I like hot dogs.
O'Sullivan: Great!
Doug Glatt: Um, but I prefer corn dogs because you don't need a bun for it. Because the bun is all around it and you can eat it from a stick.
O'Sullivan: You like hot dogs 'cause you like cocks in your mouth, son!
Ryan: You motherfucker!
O'Sullivan: Sully from Worcester, bitches!
Ryan: Dammit! Fuck you, Gus and Brian! You motherfuckers! You're supposed to screen this shit!

Doug Glatt: Man, I'm wasted. Eva, I really like your name.
Eva: Yes, sir. It's a great name. Like the Bible just with a bit more, kind of, mustard on it.
Doug Glatt: I think it's a pretty name. Like your face. You got a pretty name and a pretty face.
Eva: Aw, you're very nice to me.
[takes drink]
Eva: Fuck it. Doug, I dig hockey players. The shit, the violence, the beer, all of it. I fucking love it.
Doug Glatt: Sad.
Eva: Wanna get out of here?
Doug Glatt: Yes, please.

Doug Glatt: You're so pretty. You're so beautiful. I'm sorry, I keep saying that. I'm sorry.
Eva: It's fine. I think it's cute. Who doesn't like being told they're beautiful?
[points at apartment]
Eva: This is me.
Doug Glatt: I like you, though.
Eva: You do, eh?
Doug Glatt: Yes, ma'am.
Eva: Eva likes Doug. Eva likes you.
Doug Glatt: What does Eva think about kissing?
Eva: Which type?
Doug Glatt: French?
[kisses Eva]
Eva: Oh fuck.
Doug Glatt: Um. Hey, uh, what do you think about me calling you sometime?
Eva: I don't know whether that's the best idea. This shit.
Doug Glatt: Why don't you give me your number and I promise that I'll never call you.
Eva: Okay.

Ronnie Hortense: It's time to make up for your mistake. Look at the penalty clock. And when I say, you get over there. Stand in front of that box and wait for that ugly bugger.
Doug Glatt: Yes, sir.
Ronnie Hortense: Do exactly what I say!
Doug Glatt: Yes, sir. Of course.
Ronnie Hortense: Exactly what I say. You got it? Nothing else.

Oldfield: You want a fucking piece of me?
Doug Glatt: Hi.
Oldfield: You fucking pussy. I'm gonna fuck you up, Glatt. Fuck you! You fucking take it, you motherfucker. You fucking bitch!
[punches Glatt]
Rollie Hortense: What are you doing? Fucking hit him!

Eva: [answers phone] Hello?
Doug Glatt: Eva? Hey! This is Doug Glatt. Your number is so similar to my friend's number. I didn't know which was which, so I didn't wanna call my friend and then bother you. I was just checking. Simply checking the numbers out. Hey listen, I'm at the bar with my team. I think some of your friends are gonna come. I don't know if you wanna, like, you know, join us?
Eva: Actually, I've been trying to cut my drinking down. Trying to be a good girl. Trying.
Doug Glatt: Well you know, uh, maybe you and I could hang out sometime. You know, get coffee?
Eva: Um, sure.
Doug Glatt: Great! I don't drink coffee, but I like Gatorade. And I like power drinks and water.
Eva: Awesome.
Doug Glatt: It doesn't even matter if I'm thirsty or not. If I could just see you.
Eva: That sounds cool.

Ronnie Hortense: Boys.
Xavier LaFlamme: Coach.
Ronnie Hortense: Well, one of you has really been impressing me with your play lately, and one of you hasn't. Either one of you wanna venture to guess as to who's who?
[pause]
Ronnie Hortense: Ok, well, LaFlamme I'm ripping that "A" off your jersey. You don't deserve it unless the "A" stands for asshole, which is the way you've been playing. Glatt, you're promoted. Assistant captain. Good on ya, keep up the good work. There's the game puck. I'm proud of you!
Doug Glatt: Thanks, coach.
Ronnie Hortense: Xavier, you can take this the right way or the wrong way, son! Ladies' choice.

Doug Glatt: I wanted to give this to mom and dad, actually.
Mrs. Glatt: Douglas, it's good to see that you're having fun with this, you know, hobby.
Doug Glatt: It's not a hobby. It's my job, mom. I'm a hockey player.
Dr. Glatt: Have you thought at all to the head injuries that come with playing such a violent sport? The concussions?
Mrs. Glatt: How long do you think you can do this?
Ira: Mom!
Dr. Glatt: It's an infantile way for a man to spend his adult years.
Doug Glatt: No it isn't.
Dr. Glatt: You can do anything except punch people, okay?
Doug Glatt: No I couldn't.
Dr. Glatt: You can teach!
Doug Glatt: No, I can't! Okay? I can't because I'm stupid. I'm stupid!
Ira: Doug, you're not that stupid.
Doug Glatt: I am. I'm stupid.
[to Ira]
Doug Glatt: You're gay! I'm stupid and he's gay. Stupid. Gay. You have one stupid son and you've got a gay son. For once in my life I'm actually a part of something. I get to wear a uniform that doesn't have "security" on it. Kids buy it and they wear it and it's got our name on it. Not, for whatever reason, you guys think that I can be smart enough to be a doctor. I have fist smarts. I can fight. I'm strong and I can protect people. That's who I am. That's what I do. And you should be proud of me.

Dr. Glatt: They call you Thug, for Christ's sake! It might as well say "security" on the back of your sweater. Excuse me.
Ira: Doug, I am proud of you.
Doug Glatt: Thanks, buddy.
Ira: Okay? But I'm gonna go with mom and dad. They've got my passport.

Xavier LaFlamme: You don't know shit about hockey you fucking bulimic Don Cherry!
Ryan: You spat in my face!
Doug Glatt: What the hell?
Ryan: He started it!
Doug Glatt: Come on, you're spitting everywhere!
Xavier LaFlamme: Your friend is fucking sick!
Ryan: Oh yeah says the fucking Frenchman. You people live like animals!
Doug Glatt: I hate spit! I hate it!
Xavier LaFlamme: Fuck you!

Doug Glatt: What's your problem?
Xavier LaFlamme: I'll tell you my problem. How many minutes did you play tonight, huh?
Doug Glatt: Eleven. So?
Xavier LaFlamme: You skate like shit, but you play eleven fucking minutes. Who the fuck are you? I'm a fucking hockey player. You steal my "A," you steal my power play. You're a fucking goon! A thug! You're fucking nothing!
[punches Glatt]
Doug Glatt: You are not a hockey player. And the only reason why I'm not knocking your teeth out right now is because you're on my team. Do you have any idea what would happen if I stopped watching your back?
Xavier LaFlamme: Yeah. It'd be like before you came. I like that better.

Ross Rhea: Don't go trying to be a hockey player.
Doug Glatt: But I am a hockey player, sir.
Ross Rhea: You're a fucking goon.

Doug Glatt: I'm here to do whatever they need me to do. You know, if they need me to bleed, then I'll bleed for my team.

Eva: I did it. I broke up with him.
Doug Glatt: Holy shit.
Eva: I don't even know what the fuck I'm...
Doug Glatt: Hey, come on. From what I saw from him he seemed like a really nice guy.
Eva: I'm just not in love with him.
Doug Glatt: You're not?
Eva: No. You. You make me want to stop sleeping with a bunch of guys.
Doug Glatt: That's the nicest thing anybody's ever said to me.

Eva: I can't really talk right now. That's why I was texting you.
Doug Glatt: I'm sorry. I'm such a moron. So you saw my headbutt, huh?
Eva: [whispering] Yeah, you fucked him up.
Doug Glatt: Are you at the library?
Eva: No, um. My boyfriend got home a few days ago.
Doug Glatt: Why did you text me then?
Eva: I dig talking to you. And now I'm thinking about you. And sometimes I sleep with that Angus the Highlander doll.
Doug Glatt: There's nothing weird about that. It's official.
Eva: Yeah, Doug. I know. Fuck. I'm a bad girlfriend, Doug.
Doug Glatt: Well, I mean, all we did was make out.
Eva: I'm a slut, Doug. I'm horny a lot. I sleep around. That doesn't bother you?
Doug Glatt: The truth is, I just... I have a really huge crush on you.
Eva: I gotta go, Doug.