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: Without you, I'm as lonely as an abandoned dog on the side of a highway. I have gift anxiety, even through I don't know when your birthday is. We can spend perfect days shopping and cooking together. I swear, I'll never make wisecracks when you scrape your tires against the curb while parallel parking. If you consent to live with me, I'll clean the toilet every week. I'll do it with my tongue if you ask. I will strike the words "hooters" and "love rockets" from my vocabulary. I'll love you. Even if your name is Mimi and you want me to pronounce it "May May". I will only pass gas underneath the covers and only under the direst of circumstances. Hell, I'll go on a low cholesterol diet. And I won't buy one of those red sports cars when I hit my mid-life crisis. Your parents can come visit us every week, even if your mom is a big witch with a capital B. And your folks don't have to go to a retirement home because they can come live with us. I declare, I'll separate the whites from the colors, I'll learn the mysteries of hot and cold water washes. I'll never huff and puff while waiting for you to put on your makeup. If you're a cat person, I'll never point out the fact that a dog can save your life from drowning, but a cat can't. I will happily go see chick flicks with you, like "Pride and Prejudice". I'll make a point to trying new food like okra gumbo. I won't curl my nose at vegetables whose awful taste is disguised by having cheese on it. I pledge to always say "yes" when you ask, "Is my hair looking okay tonight?" I'm gonna bring a whole new meaning to the word "cuddle". I'll be thoughtful enough to read your horoscope every day. I'm gonna save every birthday card you send me! And I'll actually write you real letters when we're apart. I'm never gonna expect you to know where I left my car keys, and I'll never leave my socks on the floor. With me, you'll find the cap is always on the toothpaste. I'll start wearing those male bikini style underwear if you like. My belly button will always be lint free. I want to full-on kiss your clitoris. It will be the most passionate, intimate experience you've ever had. I declare now, I will give my life for you. And if you fail to come to me, I know some part of me will surely die.
: Men have this anti-intimacy force field around them. It is powered by sarcasm, humor, and aversion.
: Isn't American cheese appropriately named? You know, it's fake and processed, just like America.
: It was if I was a perverted Prince Charming. Instead of possessing Cinderella's glass slippers, I had her panties.
: One hundred girls. And one of them is my true love, my forever soul mate, the Betty to my Barney, my kismetic destiny. The problem is I don't know who she is.
: It must have been the cloak of darkness concealing my usual romantic retardation, because that night, I was smart. I was funny. I was invincible.
: I think the only 'ists' there should be are humanists.
: There are no clearly defined rules between men and women. So, each side thinks they're playing fair and each side thinks they're being cheated. Maybe, this is why men and women have the innate ability to bring out the poison in one another.
: I've seen you around. You're a natural born hipster. Crick
: Natural born hipster? Matthew
: Yeah. The next evolution of a jock. You traded in your letterman jacket for a manicured goatee and a Eurotrash ponytail. You're the worst kind of cool. You're the kind of guy who wears male make-up. A real fashion plate. You're proof that those boy-toy doofuses in those men's magazines are all rump rangers.
: [upon seeing Crick knocking on Patty's door, and shouting her name
] You are not going to bother her again! Crick
: You, go to hell! Matthew
: I am turning you in. Crick
: What for? Matthew
: [voice over
] I fought through the shame to bring out the truth.
: I'm going to the police. You sexually assaulted me.
[Crick gave a sign of disbelief, so Matthew showed him the tongue he bit off him days before
: You'll never gonna prove it!
: In the morning she was gone. I had to find her.
: You're pathetic man. I mean you lose your virginity and you don't even get the girls name. Matthew
: [pointing at the weight dangling between Rod's legs
] What the hell is that? Rod
: It's penile power man. I got it out of an ad in a magazine. I mean, it's going to help me increase my length and girth, all just by hanging weights from my cock, man. Check it out man. I'm up to five pounds.
: You know, all you gotta do is find the matching bra to those panties and bam! Mystery solved! Matthew
: That's not a half bad idea. Rod
: What are you? A Wyllie E. Coyote super genius or something? Matthew
: Yeah. Something like that. Rod
: Wait, the Coyote never caught the Roadrunner.
: Hi, I'm Matt, the new ward study maintenance man. I had a call about some rats.
: Hey, what are these? Are these... Are these stress balls? Like, you know to relieve tension, like uh... like Humphrey Bogart did in that old movie. What was it called? He was like, there are three ways to do things aboard my vessel. The right way, the wrong way and my way. If you do things my way, we'll get along just fine. Patty
: Those are my Ben Wa Balls. Matthew
: What? Patty
: Ben Wa Balls. You know, I put them inside of me, I rock my legs and I get off. Matthew
: So what are you gonna do about this girl, huh? Matthew
: You know what, she left these
[handing Rod a pair of panties
: Let me see them.
: I don't recognize this one. Matthew
: Hey, give them back.
[Patty notices Matt staring at her skirt
: You like my skirt, but you're thinking, "If her skirt were any shorter, she'd have another pair of cheeks to powder, and have to put gloss on another pair of lips." Matthew
: I... I wasn't thinking any of those things. I think you're a nice girl.
: I was lying. I *did* think all of those things.
: [Looking at Cynthia
] How can a guy have a real conversation with a girl like this when we're made so helpless? In the animal kingdom, when two members of a pack stare at each other, it is a test of dominance. The first one to look away is considered the weaker. When this happens between a man and a woman, the cards are stacked against a man. 'Cause, let's face it, every time a guy meets a girl, he wants to check out her breasts. A man must summon all of his will not to look down at those golden orbs, whose wonderous tips are upturned, aimed right at his eyes.
[after staring at each other for a long time, Matt finally gives in and looks down at Cynthia's breasts
: Once a man loses his test of nerves, a woman knows she has a great secret power over him, and she can get him do anything she wants. Like a sexual sorceress, Cynthia had several men under her spell.
: Y'know, I wonder why God equipped women with all the weapons for seduction. Rod
: What do you mean? Matthew
: Well, take the breast for example. You have the bosom, the areola, the nipple. I mean, those are three concentric circles. In other words, it's a bullseye! It's no wonder the breast is the target for all men. Rod
: Wow. That's profound. Matthew
: And men are grotesque. I'm not just talking about the little habits we have...
[Rod starts cleaning his ears with his car keys
: ...like cleaning our ears with our car keys. I mean, we're grotesque to the core. I mean, look at the penis. The penis... it just looks like God had some left-over skin when he was making elbow, and He decided to slap it in our groin... Rod
: Hey, get that outta here! It freaks me out, ok? Matthew
: I mean, the penis is the first to shrivel when it's cold, it's the first to shrink in fear. The penis is a coward. It's a cowardly flap of left-over elbow flesh. Rod
: Maybe you wouldn't think that way if you had a little of my Penile Power, baby!
: I had learned something from Rod's groinular fixation. His horror really was my horror too. It was *every* man's horror. Deny it we may, but we are all afraid of women. Every single one of them. Time had run out. Finals were in a week. Soon, everyone would be leaving the dorms. And next semester, some would relocate to off-campus housing. If I had any hope of finding my kismetic destiny, I had to face my greatest fear. I went to the Virgin Vault, and I declared my love in front of 100 girls. I explained everything I had done for my kismetic destiny. My speech must be my Sistine Chapel, my Ninth Symphony, my Citizen Kane. My words needed to be more inspirational than Martin Luther King's "I Have A Dream" speech. They had to be more miraculous than Mark McGuire's 70th home run. I used impressive words like "soul mate," "destiny," and "yearn." It takes a big man to yearn. I poured my heart out.
[Matt has discovered that he can speak coherently to Cynthia when he's dressed up as Francesca
: It's just easier to talk to Cynthia as a girl than as a guy. There's just nothing at stake. Wendy
: How do you mean? Matthew
: When you're a guy talking to a girl like Cynthia, you're going for all the marbles. I mean, she's the Super Bowl of women! And you know that if you screw up, and she rejects you, then every other girl after Cynthia is gonna seem like a compromise. And you just know that you weren't good enough to get a girl like her. That's why I don't talk to girls in her league. I just don't want to know that I've crashed and burned, and won't ever get the opportunity to put her Super Bowl ring around my eleventh finger.
[Matt tries to distract Crick away from Patty
: You know something, Crick. I was wondering. Do the bad guys of the world really know they're being bad? Or do the bad guys actually just think they're being good guys, when, in fact, they're just acting like sphincters? Crick
: I don't know. You tell me, "smart guy!" Matthew
: So you really think you're a good guy? Crick
: Yeah, I know I am! See, you're the one who's trying to steal my chick! I'm the cool one! Matthew
: Cool? Oh, that's another thing that just bothers me. I was just reading that one in six people in the world think they're cool. What is that? Like, a BILLION people are cool? That just can't possibly be right! If everybody's cool, then really, nobody is cool. Crick
: You don't know what you're talking about, guy! Matthew
: Look at you! I mean, the modern day media, the magazines, the TV. They show us what coolness is, so that you ponytail pretenders can go out there and buy coolness, thus fooling the weak-minded and unsuspected!