Officer Joe Stubeck
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Quotes for
Officer Joe Stubeck (Character)
from "Death Valley" (2011)

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"Death Valley: Pilot (#1.1)" (2011)
Officer Joe Stubeck: [after shooting zombie in the head] Anybody want a Choco Taco?
[camera crew man vomits]
Officer Billy Pierce: Not this guy.

Officer Joe Stubeck: You enjoy lock-up Sofia. I'm gonna go home to my nice warm bed. Which I use for sleeping, not sex. You wanna know why? I'm a happily married man.

Officer Billy Pierce: [In reference to fighting the undead] Do you wanna know why I do it?
Camera crew guy: Do I have to?
Officer Billy Pierce: [shows pornographic picture of two women] I do it for them.
Officer Joe Stubeck: Let me see that! I said I do it for my family!
Officer Billy Pierce: I've had this JPEG so long it's like they're my family. Technically I guess that makes it incest.

Officer Joe Stubeck: [Going through Billy's phone] Man Billy's got a lot of porn on this thing.
Captain Dashell: Inactive glands.

Officer Joe Stubeck: Here's the part where they tell me to go to Griffith park with the body. Unarmed and alone
Captain Dashell: Well I guess that's what you gotta do then.
Officer Joe Stubeck: Seriously?
Captain Dashell: They say what they'll do if you went there with backup?
Officer Joe Stubeck: Yeah, they'll kill Billy.
Captain Dashell: Well there you go then.
Officer Joe Stubeck: I'm not going in without backup.
Captain Dashell: Don't be such a girl.

Officer Joe Stubeck: Alright everybody hands in the air!
Officer Billy Pierce: [to Sofia] That means you vampire tits.

Officer Joe Stubeck: [Going through Billy's phone] Man Billy's got a lot of porn on this thing
Captain Dashell: Inactive glands.


"Death Valley: Peace in the Valley (#1.12)" (2011)
Captain Dashell: Ah, women. You're so emotional.
Officer Joe Stubeck: Captain, I have to agree with Carla on this one.
Captain Dashell: Ah, men. You're like women.