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Quotes for
Dan Stonewater (Character)
from "Scrubs" (2001)

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"Scrubs: My Cake (#4.6)" (2004)
J.D.: What happened?
Dan Dorian: What, a guy can't take three days off work, travel eight hundred miles on a bus with a double-layer fudge cake just to say "Hey, how're things?"
J.D.: Dan...
Dan Dorian: Dad died.

J.D.: It was all right; we spent most of the time dealing with the headstone problem. See, since Dad was an office supplies salesman, he wanted it to be shaped like a pencil.
Turk: So?
Dan Dorian: So, it looked like a giant marble penis - which I maintain, Dad would have liked even more.

J.D.: You know, it wasn't exactly easy showering with you in there.
Dan Dorian: Well, it wasn't exactly easy for me, either. You have Dad's butt.
J.D.: You think you'll get out of the tub today?
Dan Dorian: Yeah, today doesn't look good - by the way, could you get me another beer?
J.D.: No, look, I put a six-pack for you in the toilet.

Dr. Perry Cox: Truth be told, there, Newbie: I'm proud of you.
Dan Dorian: Me too.
J.D.: [narrating] It's amazing how a few simple words can change everything.

[Dr. Cox has duct-taped Dan's head to the wall above the bathtub]
Dan Dorian: What's this?
Dr. Perry Cox: It's your basic homemade anti-drowning device to be worn until your brother returns.
Dan Dorian: ...I like it.

Dr. Perry Cox: Listen, Dan...
Dan Dorian: [points to a beard of bubbles on his chin] Captain Bubblebeard. Sheaht yer scuppers, me hardies!
[Dr. Cox shoves Dan's head under the bathwater]
Dr. Perry Cox: Now you're Dan again! Let's break down the kid's support structure, shall we? He's got me, an emotionally crippled narcissist; and he's got you, an emotionally crippled narcissist who is soaking in a tub of what must be, by now, mostly your own urine!
Dan Dorian: I believe the ratio has shifted, yes...
Dr. Perry Cox: And I have to believe that together, *together*, Dan, we can make it at least half way to one legitimite adult!
Dan Dorian: You're right, Coxy!
[Dan stands up. Dr. Cox frowns at his crotch]
Dan Dorian: JD needs us, and he needs us now!
Dr. Perry Cox: Towel!
Dan Dorian: Let's do this!
[Dan wraps himself in the towel, and takes one step out of the bathtub before falling flat on his face]
Dan Dorian: I may have lost some muscle mass in my legs...
Dr. Perry Cox: Fantastic.

"Scrubs: My Common Enemy (#4.7)" (2004)
Dr. Christopher Turk: You know, on The Sopranos, if a guy caught his brother with his girlfriend, he'd just rub his ass out.
J.D.: Oh, believe you me, the second I get Dan alone, there's gonna be some serious ass rubbing... I shouldn't smack talk.
Dan Dorian: [arriving] Hey, mind if I join you guys?
Dr. Perry Cox: [arriving too] The question you should be asking is "Mind if I diddle your ex?". Oh... and just a great big congratulations on your ongoing streak of being the world's worst older brother.
Dan Dorian: [stands, then smiles] Thanks, Coxy.
J.D.: [narrating] I knew it was my turn to let Dan have it, but for some reason I wasn't mad.
[out loud]
J.D.: Listen, Dan...
Dan Dorian: J.D., let me explain. I came to the hospital to see you... and I ran into Elliot and it just happened. It was an one-time thing.
J.D.: I'm OK with it.
Dan Dorian: Great, because it's going on for a few weeks! Elliot's amazing: smart, funny... hhhot! I was in a dark place and she saved me, she really did. I haven't feel this good since my dad died.
J.D.: Our dad.
Dan Dorian: Right.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Hold on. When Carla and I came home yesterday, we heard something; did you two hook up in J.D.'s room?
Dan Dorian: A friend wouldn't ask, a gentleman wouldn't tell.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Did you?
Dan Dorian: Twice. We didn't go under the sheets, out of respect.
J.D.: [sarcastically] How thoughtful!