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: Good evening, Holliston!
: What's that smell?
[Bends down to sniff his own crotch
] Lance Rockett
: I think it's me. Ten shows in a row, same pants.
: You guys and your horror movie crap. You'll grow out of it eventually. Adam
: Funny, some people said about fans of Cinderella and Pretty Boy Floyd. Lance Rockett
: Yo! Watch what you say about PBF. Adam
: I want it fast and hard like my rock n roll, yeah!
: Be careful, Boss. Lance Rockett
: Oh, I'll be careful. But I won't be quick! Yeah! Watch out! Step back! You got, you got, you got what I need! Hey!
: Follow Doctor Love. Metaaaaaaaaaaaal!
: The lady from regional is coming down at five o'clock today and I've got to show her a good commercial. Think! What do we have? Joe
: What about the one from Ashland House of Pizza that Adam just finished? Lance Rockett
: The one with the talking gerbil? Adam
: "Our pizza is the cheesiest!" Lance Rockett
: Too weird. I don't even wanna know where you guys found a talking gerbil in the first place. But that was a good impression of him, Adam.
: You guys get on it. I gotta get ready to meet the lady. Adam
: Woah, boss. Why do you need like four hours to get ready? Lance Rockett
: [Standing and motioning to his sequin shorts, fishnets, and pink boa
] You don't think this just happens do you, Adam?
: [Puts his leg up on his desk and his crotch in Adam and Joe's faces
] Call me nuts. But I always imagined the two of you running your own little low budget cable advertising company one day. That, or... modeling underwear. Adam
: Nuts. Lance Rockett
: Now if you'll excuse me I gotta go get ready and show this little lady where the down boys go, Oh! She's gonna be my Cherry Pie! Metaaaaaaal!
[Exits and randomly reappears again
] Lance Rockett
: Woo! Encore exit! Metal, double time! Metal-metal-metal-metal-metal-metal-metal!
: Good evening, Holliston! Joe
: Hey, Boss. Hey, how did it go with the lady from regional? Lance Rockett
: It was awesome! You should have seen me work this chick over. I was like White Lion on the Mane Attraction Tour.
: Trust me boys, nothing gets chicks hotter than a pair of fishnets and the right lip gloss. Adam
: So that's what I'm doing wrong.
: I'm late for my meeting with Robin Lixx and Tracii Pistolz for this week's cock rock marathon! Up all night... Joe
: ...Sleep all day? Lance Rockett
: That's right! Fly to the angels, Bitches!
: What's up, Dudes? I'm looking for Tonto DeWitt. Joe
: Uh, sorry buddy. There's no one here named "Tonto". And 1987 is down the street. Lance Rockett
] Good evening, Holliston! Joe
: Or right there.
: You got a Dyver Down flier for me to sign or something, Valentino Foxx? Valentino Foxx
: Dyver Down? Is that the Van Halen cover band from New York? Or the one in Baton Rouge, Detroit, or San Fran? Lance Rockett
: Hey, boss. Where's Dean? Lance Rockett
: He went home to live with his mother. Once he found out I was broke and about to lose my job I guess he just didn't need me in his life anymore. And we were gonna start a Skid Row tribute band and everything. I guess "Youth Gone Wild" just wasn't meant to be. Adam
: Well, speaking of youth gone wild. I found out that my girlfriend Bailee, she was only 11 years old and a wanted sociopath. Apparently, what she does is she lures older men into sleeping with her and then she threatens to blackmail them by saying she's gonna go to the authorities unless the dude will perform grisly murders for her. Lance Rockett
: Adam. Did you not hear me? A Skid Row tribute band! It would have been awesome!
: I'm looking for a guy named Tonto DeWitt? Lance Rockett
: Wrong building, Douchebag. Vikki McLixx
: Man, if I don't get his bone marrow, I'm gonna die!
: Apparently, you and my Mom poured some sugar all over each other in teh club's bathroom. Lance Rockett
: I've poured some sugar all over a lot of people in bathrooms! Joe
: [Aside to Adam
] Thank god he still hasn't poured some sugar on me.
: I'm sorry your son left you, Lance. Lance Rockett
: Pfft. Having children is for old people. I'm only 23 years old. This Rockett was meant to rock-it until every head is bangin' and every chick is slammin'. No kids for this legend. Not now. Not ever.
: Boss, don't you think you're getting a bit... old... to make it in a band? Lance Rockett
: It could still happen. Joe
: It's a cover band. Lance Rockett
: So. Adam
: You're fifty-four. Lance Rockett
: Rock is ageless- David Lee Roth 1983. Adam
: David Lee Roth got kicked out of the band and replaced by Sammy... Lance Rockett
: -HEY! We don't speak his name. Adam
: My bad. Lance Rockett
: Alright, I gotta get going to band practice. I gotta shave my abs for the ladies in the front row.
[Sniffs Joe's neck
] Lance Rockett
: New cologne, Joe? Smells delicious.
: That's what we do here. We rock the spots and slay the chicks! Adam... nice jeans.
: If you miss out on the greatest Van Halen tribute band of all time, you miss out on your life! Plus, check out these awesome platforms I scored on ebay. They're the ones that Gene Simmons was gonna wear on The Elder tour.
: You guys are awesome! Tell you what... back stage passes, both of you! You can meet Fake Eddy and Fake Alex! Adam
: What about Fake Michael Anthony? Lance Rockett
: We got the real Michael Anthony if you want to meet him. Adam
: No, that's OK.
: Wow. The way you guys always talk about Lance, he sounds amazing. I would so love to make out with him. Lance Rockett
: Is that an American Apparel shirt you're wearing there, Adam? Fantastic fit.
: So how was the Dangerous Toys concert? Lance Rockett
: It was Faster Pussycat. Joe
: There's a difference?
: A rock star handed you his beer and you drank it? Do you have any idea how many people that dude has probably been with or what diseases he might have? Lance Rockett
: No. Joe
: You do look a little tired there, Lance. Lance Rockett
: I'm trying a new mascara. Adam
: Come on, boss! You should know better than to share a drink from one of those filthy rock stars. Driving into town, wearing women's clothes, sticking their dicks into everything that moves, spreading diseases, doing drugs... Lance Rockett
] Lance Rockett
: Some of us only wore women's clothing, OK?
: Did you really fight the guy who played "Jason"? Joe
: It's a long story. Adam
: Actually, no, it's a very quick story. Kane went "smack" and Joe went "boom." That was it. Joe
: It wasn't like that.
[Off of their looks
: I'm bad at fighting.
: The doctor checked me out and said that burning sensation was from poor circulation. So I can't rock the leather pants for two weeks. Joe
: [Motioning to Lance's pants
] So what about those? Lance Rockett
: These are pleather. Much more breathable. Joe
: Ah. Lance Rockett
: So close call, but the Love Rockett gets to love rock it again! Adam
: Gross. Lance Rockett
: Besides, doctor says the worst I could have caught from drinking somebody's beer is herpes and I've already beaten that several times. Joe
: Don't you get herpes for life? Lance Rockett
: [Motions to his face, his crotch, and his ass
] Depends where on your body you get it. Adam
: Again. Gross. Lance Rockett
: You guys have a good show. 'Cause I've got dudes to rock and chicks to roll! See ya'll on Monday. Joe
: See ya. Lance Rockett
] Take it sleazy, boys! Horns high! Horns! High!
[Adam and Joe sip from their water bottles when Lance suddenly re-enters the room
] Lance Rockett
: Oh, P.S. Don't drink the water from this fountain. Doctor says I need to get the spout sterilized.
[Adam and Joe look at each other with their mouths full of water
] Lance Rockett
: Good night! Woo!
: I still can't believe anyone tunes in for your horror movie garbage. Adam
: People are tuning in? Lance Rockett
: No. But it's a good test for when I launch my own show; Lance Rockett's Cock Rock and Metal Hour! All hair metal...
[Points to Adam
: All hour long? Lance Rockett
: You get it.
: Wait, I didn't know you were dating someone. Lance Rockett
: We met at my band's last show. Or should I say, we met back stage at my band's last show. Adam
: The VFW Hall has a backstage? Lance Rockett
: They've got a bathroom.
[Licks the air between his fingers
: You've been great! We've been Diver Down! Good night! Woooo!
: I need that Crazy Max spot out to the client by 5 o'clock. Copulate? Joe
: Um, don't you mean... compute? Lance Rockett
: No. Adam
: Comprende? Lance Rockett
: No. Joe
: Capisch? Lance Rockett
: That's it!
: I'm kind of having... girl problems. Lance Rockett
: Well lay it on me! Uncle Rockett can set you straight! Adam
: I'm pretty confident that's not true.
: Argh! I've had it! I'm not gonna take it anymore!
[to Lance Rockett
: We're not gonna take it, anymore! Lance Rockett
: This joke is awkward for me. In a number of ways.
: Anyway, the cursed video tape... I subliminally edited it into a Winger video. Lance will watch it. Trust me. Lance Rockett
: Good evening, Holliston! Joe
: What do you mean there's a director cut of Winger's video for Seventeen, Adam? Lance Rockett
: FALSE! There is only one cut in existence of the Seventeen video. I'm calling bullshit.
: Corporate says our commercials are still no bueno. That means no good in Mexican.
: Fake Eddie Van Halen is passing a kidney stone so the band is on hiatus until he pops that sucker out. Adam
: How metal. Lance Rockett
: Kidney stones are not metal. Lance Rockett always says, "Drink plenty of water, watch for calcium build-up, and stay in school." Words I live by. That, and... "Always shave the taint."
: On second thought, maybe I should go see if Fake Eddie needs any help passing that stone through his... penis. Penis. PENIIII-IS- YEAH!
: Well boys, I've got worse news than when Sebastian Bach left Skid Row after the Subhuman Race Tour.
: Hey, if you like rock n roll, check out my band Dyver Down! Monday night, Olive Garden, South Attleboro - it will change your life! Yeah!
: What's in it for me? Joe
: Oh, only a few free CDs I stole from Strawberries. Lance Rockett
: [Looks in the bag
] I already got Trixter. Joe
: Right, but now you can have one that you can listen to and one that's unopened in it's original wrapping. Lance Rockett
] That Trixter album will be a collector's item one day. OK, wait here.
: OK, now remember, you two have never seen me before in your life. Joe
: Scout's honor. Lance Rockett
: Wait. You're boy scouts? That's hot.
: You guys look like I did when Dokken got dropped from their label. Joe
: Our short film just got rejected by every film festival we submitted to. Lance Rockett
: So what? You can't let the man decide your future! You gotta rock it out yourself! You decide your own fate, not some suit behind a desk! Yeah! Get back! Wooo!
: Lately I'm feeling like people aren't taking me seriously. Lance Rockett
: Are you kidding? That one where you dressed up like a Medieval Knight rocked harder than Europe on The Final Countdown Tour! Adam
: That's what I was gonna say, too. Except not... like that, and not... in spandex. Crazy Max
: Who's Europe? Lance Rockett
: Have a seat in my office, Max. I've got their first three albums on vinyl. Joey Tempest's voice will change your life!
: You're not dating. She's flirting with you. There is a difference. Lance Rockett
: No, no, no. Not in my book. If someone in the audience keeps their eyes on me for an entire song I consider that lucky individual to be Lance's next rocket launcher - WOO!
: Listen, Adam. We're probably not gonna live through this and, well, I'm just gonna be blunt. I don't want you to die a virgin. Adam
: I'm not a virgin. Lance Rockett
: Sure you're not, Adam. Sure you're not. Adam
: Are you propositioning me? Lance Rockett
: I don't know. Am I? Adam
: No thanks, Lance. I'll take my chances outside. Lance Rockett
: Listen, Joe. We're probably not gonna live through this and, well, I'm just gonna be blunt... Joe
: -You're asking me second? Lance Rockett
: Any port in a storm, Dude. Joe
: I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm offended.