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: Um, anybody else notice that Joe sorta looks like Hitler in that painting? Corri
: I did notice that, too. Yes. Adam
: [Pointing to Corri
] Ah. Laura
: No he doesn't. Adam
: He does. Corri
: He really does. Joe
: You know what i think? I think that you two are jealous. Hmm. Adam
: Jealous of that? Dude, my Bar Mitzvah pictures just melted off the walls at my parents' house.
: Guess who's coming to Worcester this weekend? Adam
: Rock N Shock's Weekend of Horrors. Joe
: Not you. Laura
: The circus! Joe
: No. Corri
: Rock N Shock's Weekend of Horrors? Joe
: Yes! Laura
: Damn it!
: These horror conventions, they never get A-list director like that. It's always just actors signing autographs and charging money. Corri
: Like who? Joe
: You know, like, "Zombie #7" from Day of the Dead. Adam
: Or that creepy little girl who had no lines in The Hills Have Eyes remake. Joe
: Or Kane Hodder. Corri
: Well that is so cool that you guys get to meet him! Joe
: Oh we don't just get to meet him. We can hand him our trailer for Shinpads! Corri
: You can just do that? Adam
: Of course! Corri, there's nothing that celebrities appearing at a convention like more than when you hand them a pitch, or a screenplay, or a treatment, or a business card, or they want you to sign something but not put their name on it because they're gonna sell it on eBay later, or they wanna touch you inappropriately, or kiss you on the mouth and you don't know what they have, or hug you, and they stink and their smelly and their a dude.
[Looks at camera
: Can I come? I've always kinda wanted to check one of these things out and just people watch. Joe
: Sure. Laura
: I wanna go, too. But I'm not having dinner with Lando. Bad things will happen, Joe. Bad things. Adam
: You guys can totally come, um, but first we're just gonna sorta need to do something about...
[motions to Corri
: ... that. Corri
: What, my boobs? Adam
: No, not your boobs. Your whole "look at me, I shop at the mall" thing. Your boobs are... awesome. Corri
: OK, look, I might shop at the mall but I have been to Hot Topic. Joe
: Yeah, but have you ever bought anything at Hot Topic? Corri
: Oh, that stuff is for sale? I always just thought it was a museum of lame.
] Hey there. Horror Fan
: No cutting in line, skank!
: I'm Kane. Corri
] Hi, Kane! Adam
: Is this guy bothering you, Corri? Kane Hodder
: Hey, lay down there next to your bitch. Adam
: What? I'm not gonna... Kane Hodder
: LAY DOWN! Adam
: [Adam lays down on the floor next to Joe
] Kane Hodder
: So what's you number? Corri
: Oh, it's um... 617... 89... 12... Kane Hodder
: 12? That's not even a number.
: [Regarding her new Goth outfit
] I just threw this together in like 2 minutes. Adam
: 2 minutes? But what were you doing for the other 20? Corri
: I had to go to the bathroom. Adam
: Shh. No you didn't.
: You look like Marilyn Manson if he had bigger boobs. Corri
: Thank you. Joe
: No, thank you. Adam
: Thank you. Laura
: Thank you.
: Has this line moved at all? Joe
: Not an inch. Because this convention treats us handicapped people like DIRT!
[Off of another guy's annoyed look in the handicapped line
: Oh, what are you looking at, faker? Anthony
: [Removes his prosthetic leg and hands it to Joe
] Fake this, dude. Joe
: Uh... that's... yeah, that's fair. Adam
: Thank you. For your service. Anthony
: I wasn't in the military. It was a boating accident. Adam
: That's why I don't boat. Joe
[Reading her name tag
: ... "Goblin". Goblin
: You should dye your hair black. Blonde is the color of conformity. Corri
: Ah, I was born with it, so... Goblin
: We're all born with sin. Pain is the only reality. Corri
: Hey, don't you work at Express at the Natick Mall? Goblin
: Sadness is my only wardrobe. Corri
: No, wait, I totally know you. You're "April", right? You sold me that cute little... Goblin
: -LEAVE ME ALONE!
[Runs away crying
: What's up? John Landis
: Hi, girls. Laura
: You were such a dick to Han Solo. Adam
: [Covering Laura's mouth
] I'm sorry, she's Mexican. Laura
: Colombian! Adam
: Whatever, it's the same thing. Corri
: [to Joe in his wheelchair
] I'm not pushing you back to the car.
[Waving to John Landis she breaks into the Michael Jackson "Thriller" dance and grabs her crotch
: He-He! You did a really good job with that one. Joe
: [Stands up out of his wheelchair
] It was a pleasure meeting you, Sir.
[He shakes John Landis' hand and exits, stopping to insult the Horror Fan behind him
: Dork! Person in crowd
: Praise, Jesus! John Landis made that man walk!
: I'm too excited! You read it!
[He hands the letter to Laura
: "Dear Joe and friend..." Adam
: "And friend" I'm "and friend"? I don't even get my name on the letter? Joe
: Will you shut up!
: Go on. Laura
: "Dear Joe and friend. I watch... ed... I watched your... trailer for Ssss... Ssss...
[She shows the letter to Corri
: What's that word? Corri
: "Shinpads." Laura
: Oh. "Dear Joe and friend-" Adam
: You already read that part! Skip ahead! Laura
: "I watched your trailer for Shinpads... I app... apprecia... ate-" Adam
: [Grabs the letter away from her and hands it to Corri
] Fail. You read it. Corri
: OK... "I watched your trailer for Shinpads. I thought it was humorous in the best way possible." Laura
: "Humorous" isn't even a word. Corri
: "And I think you both show a lot of promise as filmmakers. I wish you the best of luck in the future. Sincerely, John Landis." Joe
: [Hugging Adam
] Dude! Oh my God! Amazing! It's amazing! We gotta frame that! Adam
: [Holding his hand out to Corri
] Can I see it?
[Corri holds the letter away from Adam's reach
: Let me see it.
[Corri holds the letter even further away. Adam sits on the couch defeated
: What did it really say? Corri
: "I watched your"... excuse me.
[She clears her throat and then begins speaking with John Landis' voice
: 'I watched your trailer for Shinpads. I appreciate making fun of inept and amateurish filmmaking as much as the next guy, but your absurd premise and hopeless execution is probably the worst thing that I have ever had the misfortune to watch. Once you two decide on a career that you may actually be good at, like pizza delivery boy or bagger at a minimart check-out stand, I will wish you the best of luck. Until then, if our paths cross in the future... please avoid me."
[Back in her own voice
: Sincerely, John Landis. Laura
: [Making an angry fist
: You know what? I am totally with Joe on this. I think we need to have a drink. We need to celebrate the fact that everything is going to be OK. Your herpes are scabbing up nicely. We have nothing to look forward to but good times. So come on you guys.
[Standing with her hand in the air
: Come on! Who's with me? Joe
: [Standing with his fist in the air
] Me! Laura
: [Standing with her hand out in a Nazi pose
[Corri corrects her hand position
: [Standing with them
] Me. Actor
: [Suddenly walking in with an automatic rifle
: I'm dirty. Wash me. Adam
: What's with the Hamburgler outfit? Adam
: I don't want to get caught renting a stolen camera with Mayor McCheese... Mayor McSteels-a-lot... Mayor Mc... whatever, there's a joke in there somewhere. Laura
: Stolen camera? Joe
: It's not stolen, it's borrowed, and it's fine. Adam
: Mayor McDouche. Joe
: Too late.
: I can't live in a haunted apartment. Laura
: It's cheap. Sure you can. Corri
: Laura... Laura
: It'll be fun! Like Paranormal Activity. Corri
: I really think that we need to discuss this. Laura
: Aww. Our first roommate fight and you lost. But I still love you, Corri. I still love you.
: Is there, like, an Indian burial ground under the building? Landlord
: Not an Indian one.
: Just because someone dies in an apartment doesn't make it haunted. Corri
: Someone died in here? Landlord
: What? Corri
: You just said someone died in here. Landlord
: Sort of. Corri
: Sort of? Landlord
: It was natural causes. Laura
: So like someone died in their sleep? Landlord
: Basically, yes. They were sleeping and then they slipped and fell into a noose.
[Motions to a noose randomly hanging in the center of the apartment
: Why are you sleeping on the couch? Corri
: I can't sleep in that room. I kept hearing whispers. Laura
] What were they saying? Corri
: I don't know. I couldn't understand them. Laura
: Well if you can't understand them then they don't count. Corri
: Laura, why don't you take that room? Laura
: No. That room is scary. You take that room. Corri
: Yeah, but you, you like death and stuff. It can inspiration for your art.
[Reveal two paintings of dead babies
: That was mean.
: The apartment was haunted. We heard voices and they were gonna kill Corri and molest me. Corri
: It was so scary, we- wait. Why were they gonna kill me but molest you? Laura
: Oh, please.
: That's how we get out of losing the camera! Corri
: What camera? Adam
: [Pushing her aside
] We're back to the A story line. OK, so we borrowed the camera... to shoot Lance's cover band's show. Laura
: Lance is still in a cover band? Isn't he like 50? Joe
: Long story. Go on. Adam
: OK. So on our way to the show... uh... we got robbed by... uh...
[Points at Laura
: ... by a big Mexican! Joe
: Dude! Laura
: No, it's OK. I'm Colombian. Go on. Adam
: OK. There was a struggle, we got roughed up, guy ran away with the camera.
: Wait, what's that! Laura
: Give me the camera Gringos or Britney Spear here gets it! Joe
: No way! This camera belongs to Mass Cablevision! Adam
: Yeah! You'll have to kill us first! Laura
: Gimme the camera or I'll kill Blondie! Adam
: Fine, kill her! Laura
: Hmm. Corri
: What? Laura
: I'll do it! Adam
: [Throws Corri away into some trash barrels
] You'll never take this camera from us, scary ethnic man. Now...
[Puts his fists up
: ... let's dance. Laura
: [Terribly choreographed and repetitive swing
] Hught- huh! Hught - huh! Adam
: [Terribly choreographed and repetitive duck and swing
] Eey-hught! Huh! Eey-hught! Huh!
: That's the scene, right? I mean, did you have another line or...
: Wow. The way you guys always talk about Lance, he sounds amazing. I would so love to make out with him. Lance Rockett
: Is that an American Apparel shirt you're wearing there, Adam? Fantastic fit.
: Are they... in the bath together? Laura
: Wouldn't be the first time. They're kind of like Bert and Ernie only they dress slightly better and I'm sleeping with Bert. That's right, Corri. You slept with Ernie. You slept with Ernie.
: Where are we gonna find vinegar in Holliston at midnight? Corri
: Cumberland Farms is open 24 hours, right? Laura
: What time does Market BASKET open? Corri
: You mean MARKET Basket? Laura
: Market BASKET. Corri
: No the emphasis is on "market". MARKET Basket. Laura
: Market BASKET. Corri
: No, MARKET Basket. Laura
: Market BasKET. Corri
: MARKET, MARKET Basket. Laura
: Market, Market BASKET. Corri
: No, say "market". Market than Basket. Laura
: Market, Market BASKET. Corri
: It's MARKET Basket. Laura
: Market BASKET. Corri
: MARKET, MARKET, MARKET Basket! Laura
: Market, Market, Market BASKET. Corri
: Try whispering "basket". Laura
: basket. Corri
: The emphasis isn't on "basket". Do you know what "emphasis" means? Laura
: No. Corri
: So say the first part loud. Laura
: MARKET LOUD. Corri
: What is this about? MARKET Basket. MARKET Basket. Laura
: Market BASKET.
: Feeling not so fresh? Corri
: No, douche is almost all vinegar. Laura
: See? That's why you're a nurse and I'm an artist. You're smart at useless stuff. I'm cute, talented, and fun to be around. I win.
: [Into the store's microphone
] Hey, Mike. Um, I gotta get a price check on Miller's Douche. Autumn Leaves. It's two units. Five ounces. There's two girls up here and they're getting like fifteen boxes of douches. So that's like... seven and a half boxes of douches per girl. So that's like... I don't know, can you split a douche? Corri
: [Grabs the microphone from him
] I think he got it.
: So, uh, what are you ladies up to tonight? Laura
: Washing our Sarlacc Pits. What's your name? Clerk
: They didn't give me a name. I'm just "Clerk". Corri
: Really? That sucks for your credits. Clerk
: I know. But I figure when I update my resume I'll just make up a name. I was thinking Detective McManus. Laura
: Ooooh! Corri
: Detective? That's awesome. That totally sounds like a lead. Clerk
: Right? Corri
: Or at least a co-star.
: Hey, Babe. Feeling not so fresh? Corri
: Actually, I am very fresh. Yeah, I am. My vagina? It smells like a mixture of high school and a brand new action figure right out of the package. In fact, it might just smell like the freshest thing you've ever smelled in your whole life. Only you'll never know for yourself. Now, if you have any more wise ass comments to make about my purchase step right up and say it now, Bitch!
: OK, one more time. Who exactly are these "friends"? Laura
] One of them is my boyfriend the other is her ex! Don't I get a last meal or something? Officer Pappas
: That's for people on death row. Laura
: Can I meet Morgan Freeman? Officer Duffy
: What? Laura
: I want my phone call! I get a phone call! Officer Pappas
: Ladies, you're not under arrest. Corri
: I'd like to speak to my lawyer. Officer Pappas
: Really? Let's call him up right now. What's that phone number? Corri
: Six one seven. Eight nine... twelve. Officer Pappas
: Twelve? Officer Duffy
: That's not even a number.
: This is ridiculous! Laura
: I told you we should have gone to Market BASKET! Corri
: MARKET Basket. Laura
: Market BASKET! Corri
: No, MARKET. Not Market BASKET. MARKET Basket. Laura
: Market BASKET! Corri
: No, whisper the Basket. Laura
: basket! Corri
: No loud whispering! What's with the loud whispering? It's MARKET Basket! Laura
: Market BASKET! Officer Duffy
: Excuse me. The inflection would actually be on Market. So like MARKET Basket. Corri
: See? MARKET Basket. MARKET Basket. Laura
: Market BASKET! Officer Pappas
: [Slams his fist on the desk
] God damnit! Where's the whore house? Where do you turn tricks?
: [Holding out her hands
] I suggest you cuff us first so that we don't jump out and run like last time. And you might want to put a Hannibal Lechter mask on this one.
[Motioning to Corri
: She bites. Corri
: [to the police
] Yeah, I don't know her. Laura
: Whatever Kaiser Soze. Officer Duffy
: Actually, it's Kaiser Soza. Laura
: Whatever, fuck
: Your wugget is showing. Laura
: My what? Joe
: You have zebra loaf. Corri
: You can see the bald man in the boat. Adam
: You're displaying a package of pink Thin Mints. Laura
: What are you guys talking about? Adam
: Meat curtains. Joe
: Ham wallet. Adam
: Lars Ulrich's knees. Joe
: Hairy Potter? Adam
: E.T.'s feet? Corri
: OK, honey? You have camel toe in this picture. Laura
: No I d - oh my God. You can see the outline of my Sy Snootles! Adam
: Well, on the bright side at least you can't see the rest of the Max Rebo band, right? I mean... your cervix isn't showing.
: What's your screen name? Laura
: Putrid Pestilence 2. Corri
: Putrid Pestilence 2? Laura
: I know. Someone already had Putrid Pestilence 1.
: So are you two just sorta gonna always be here after work or are you ever gonna get your own place? Corri
: Season two.
] A life without him is hard to fathom, oh I dream about those days when I had 'em... Ohhh... Kevin, Kevin, Kevin. His name is Kevin, yes it's Kevin... Adam
: [Grabbing her guitar away
] Yeah, no. That song is terrible. Corri
: Adam, I was just getting to the good part. Adam
: You know what? The lyrics are making you sound like a whore.
: You know what, Laura? Maybe you should just forget about this and focus on your artwork. Laura
: But if I paint when I'm this sad it will negatively effect my artwork.
[Reveal a painting of a puppy with knives in it's eyes and a painting of a little girl crying over her mother's grave
: We wouldn't that to happen. Laura
: And I keep getting all of these tweets sent to my email. Like this one.
[She holds her phone out for Corri to read
: "Nice fleshy gym sock." Hahahahaha... that is so messed up.
: Here's the deal. I'm not showing anything below the waist and if you have my boobs on camera than you can't show my face in the shot. Joe
: Now, why would we need your face if we already have your boobs?
: I'm gonna be doing this as part of an acting role. That Twitter photo is just a slutty cry for attention.
: No offense. Laura
: Well, you'll be acting in a schlocky trailer for a B-horror film that will probably never even get made.
: No offense. Adam
: You know what? It's still better than giving fourteen thousand strangers a free glimpse inside the Predator's mouth.
: No offense. Joe
: I have chlamydia.
: Now what we're going for here is total seventies style. Corri
: You should have told me that before I shaved. Joe
: Actually what I meant was less camera moves and more zooms.
: Joe talked me out of it. He said he didn't think those were the right reasons and that I might regret it later in life. Joe
: That... and she has weird nipple placement. Corri
: I do not! Joe
[Then, behind her back, mouthing "I'm not!"
: Let me guess. The point and drink game again? Adam
: [Points at Joe
] Drink! Joe
: [Points at Adam
: Don't "uh" me! You always used to do that to me at the mall. Every fitting room it was always "uh", "uh", "uh"! Laura
: Joe and I "uh" in fitting rooms sometimes, too.
: You missed the part where she flashed the whole wedding party her vertical smile. Joe
: You mean her love taco? Adam
: Her Cenobite skin folds? Corri
: We are not doing this again. Laura
: Her Ashton Cooch-er? Corri
: Her dress is stupid. Laura
: Want me to drag her outside and kick the shit out of her?
: Put your hands on my ass or I will punch you in the dick!
: HEY, REMEMBER THAT TIME IN VERMONT WHEN YOU MADE ME WEAR A STRAP ON?
: [after kissing Corri
] Ew... did you...? Corri
: Yeah, I threw up earlier.
: How come no one thinks I'm pretty? Adam
: Everybody thinks you're pretty. Corri
: Do you still think I'm pretty? Adam
: Pretty? I think you're beautiful. And you'll always be my favorite thing in the world. Even when we're both eighty and we made the mistake of marrying and starting families with other people... if you just said the word I'd leave all of it just to be near you.
: Any luck finding an apartment yet? Corri
: We might have actually found one but the asking price is a little high. Hopefully we find one soon though because living with my parents is...
[Realizing Kevin is too distracted by his phone to possibly be listening to her
: ... getting out of hand. You know, with all of the drugs. And the sex swings. And the dog fighting in the basement. Which is where I think you got me pregnant. We're gonna have a baby. Surprise! You're a father! Wooo! Kevin? Kevin?
: Kevin! I'm pregnant! Kevin
: No you're not. Corri
: Well, what if I was? Kevin
: But you're not so who cares? Corri
: You know what? We're done. Kevin
: But I haven't finished my pancakes.
: Stop being emotional. Your period will be over in a few days. Corri
: I am breaking up with you!
[Slaps his hand away
: Ow! Corri, every nurse wants to marry a doctor. Wasn't that the whole point in going to "nursing school'? Corri
: Actually it was to learn anatomy so that I'd know an asshole when I saw one. Apparently I failed.
: Woah, you got served! Kevin
: Oooh! Laura
: No, actually... How about THEM apples? Kevin
: Ahhh! Laura
: No, actually... You got served! Kevin
: Oooohhh! Laura
: [Aside to Corri
] Why don't we like Kevin any more? Corri
: Kevin who? Laura
: Oh, man, his name wasn't "Kevin"? Who's the idiot?
[Raises her hand
: Right here.
: Maybe I'm just meant to be single. Whatever. Love is overrated. Laura
: Yeah. It really sucks to have someone to share your life with. To be there for you no matter what. To hold you when you sleep at night. To build a future and to grow old with. And... Corri
: I get it. Laura
: I was just trying to help. Corri
: Try less. Laura
: There's always your childhood sweetheart and the one we all know you're going to end up with in the end anyway. Corri
: Who? Laura
: Um. He's short. But not really that short. He's funny. Not really that funny, I guess. He sort of makes horror movies. But not real ones. He lives with Joe. You dated him for years. His name is Adam. Corri
: Adam? Laura
: Oh, that's a good idea. What about Adam? Corri
: Let's not go there right now, Laura. Laura
: I tried.
: What's with all the bags? Corri
: Oh, these? Just my depression and anger in the form of new clothes I absolutely couldn't afford to put on my credit card. I broke up with Kevin. Adam
: [Adam does a victory dance behind Corri
] I'm sorry to hear that. You know, relationships... are hard. And break-ups are even harder. But if you need anything to help you through this difficult time, like, I don't know... a friend to take you to dinner? A shoulder to cry on? You can sleep with me to get back at him. I would do that for you.
: And you are...? Corri
: Single! Adam
: That's Corri. She has crabs.
: [to Adam
] If our friendship wasn't already so complicated, that ice cream line so would have gotten you laid tonight.
: And that's how we became best friends. Corri
: What about the dead body? Joe
: There wasn't one.
: My parents just couldn't afford crayons. Laura
: I want to see a dead body. Joe
: Maybe later, Babe.
: Remember we went to see Halloween 5 for our first date and we had to bribe that high school kid to buy us the tickets because we weren't old enough? Corri
: That's right! Hey, did they ever explain who that guy was at the end with the boots on that busted Michael Myers out of jail? Adam
] Nope. Joe
: Well, they actually tried in part 6 but... yeah...
: Hey, speaking of surprises, do you remember when we set up Joe and laura on their first date? Adam
: How could I forget. Joe
: Greatest day of our lives, right Babe? Laura
: Second greatest. Joe
: What was the first greatest? Laura
: [Looking at Adam angrily
] The day that Jesus was born. Adam
: Oh, come on! How is that the greatest day of your life? You weren't even alive then! Laura
: Funny, I don't remember you being there.
: Corri, at least let me drive you home. Then I'll know you got home alright and I'd love to see your parents... Corri
: -My parents don't need to see you, Adam.
: Somebody just tell another story. Adam
: How about how we got to know our boss Lance Rockett? Laura
: Let me guess, you guys went into the cable station and applied for a job? Joe
: [Speaking over Adam
] Well it all started in High School... Adam
: [Speaking over Joe
] We were in High School and... Joe
: Do you wanna...? Adam
: No why don't you do it. Joe
: No, no please. Adam
: No, go ahead Joe
: No, please. Adam
: Clearly you wanna tell the story. It's all you. Joe
: No, it's your flashback. You wrote it, so... please. Adam
: Yeah, well, you know what? I don't even know it. So why don't you do it. Joe
: Please. Adam
: G'head. Joe
: Please. Adam
: G'head. Joe
: Please. Adam
: G'head. Joe
: Please. Adam
: [Finishes his wine. Puts it down. Looks back at Joe
] G'head. Joe
: [Puts down his wine
] Please. Corri
: Maybe if you both just split it up... Adam
[He and Joe get into a stare off, neither of them willing to budge or say anything for an uncomfortable few minutes
: [Regarding the mistletoe
] We don't want to mess with tradition. I feel like messing with Jesus on Christmas and stuff is bad. Adam
: No. Don't want to do that. I mean especially, it's not even my tradition, but you know I don't want to piss him off any more than my people already did. The whole, you know, throwing him out of the club, throwing him on the cross thing, he's still not over that and so it would just be really awkward. And then he'd come back and be all like "ALL THIS I DID FOR THEE! BRAINS! ARRGH!" and he'd eat me and then he'd eat Santa and Rudolph and Inspector Gadget or whatever you guys are into, I don't know. But I think we should do it for... we should do it for Jesus. Corri
: We should do it for Jesus.
: I'm bleeding! I'm bleeding! Joe
: Apparently so is Adam this week. Corri
: Some guy bit me on my arm! Laura
: We've all got problems today, Corri. I'm trying to fill out a wicked hard application, take a number. Corri
: I am bleeding! Joe
: My Diet Coke is flat! Do we really wanna start this right now, Corri? Adam
: Some guy bit you? Where? Laura
: On her arm. Do you even read the scripts you write? Adam
: No, I mean where did it happen? Corri
: I was walking out of the hospital and some crazy guy was being dragged in by the EMT. Laura
: Aww, I always get so sad when ET goes home. Corri
: No, EMT? The ambulance driver? Laura
: [Pointing to Corri's injury, ala ET
: A werewolf? Seriously? How much have you guys had to drink tonight? Joe
: Not a drop! There's no carbonation in this soda whatsoever! Adam
: Not now, Joe. Joe
: Oh, Oh, let's just make it all about the B-story, huh? Adam
: B-Story? What's the A-story line? Joe
: [Joe points at his flat Diet Coke
: Wow, we're getting pretty desperate for story lines, huh? Joe
: What happened with the guy? Adam
: Joe untied him and let him escape. Joe
: That was you! Adam
: Just go with it. Joe
: That was me.
: If you don't let me go to the bathroom right now I am never talking to any of you again ever. Adam
: Get the party bucket, Joe. Corri
: The party bucket? Joe
: You know, sometimes when you've got the spins and... Corri
: - I am not peeing in a bucket! Adam
: Fine! I'll take you to the bathroom. Corri
: No. Laura can take me. Adam
: I really think I should be the one to take you to the bathroom, Corri. Corri
: You are not watching me pee, Adam. Adam
: I am not a werwolf. Werewolves aren't real. Laura
: Spoken like a true werewolf who's trying to convince someone who's not a werewolf that they're not a werewolf. Corri
: ...What? Laura
: I don't know, get out of my head!
: The Shocker remake is playing at the Framingham 14. That's the one where they kill the guy with electricity but it's also the... Adam
: -Yeah, no. Not feeling so good. Corri
: What's wrong? Adam
: You wouldn't understand. Corri
: Adam. I'm a nurse. I'll understand. Adam
: Not this. Corri
: Do you have loose stool? Adam
: Do I- what? Ew! No! No, I don't have... stool! What the hell was that? Corri
: You ran off to the bathroom so fast, I don't know!
: And we'll see you tomorrow night. Seven? Adam
: Seven sounds tits. Laura
: Tits are good.
: Dude, dude! So glad I found you! We need to get back to the apartment right away! Adam
: Why? What's wrong? Joe
: The cat's wicked depressed. Adam
: Sounds serious. Let's go! Corri
: Sit. Adam
: [after he and Joe abruptly sit back down
] The cat's wicked depressed? Joe
: Well Adam, tell me about your girlfriend? Adam
: Deanna? Oh she's great. She's so great. She's sort of like you just like... better? We um, we met at a charity function that she was putting on for... children with... bad cancer. Joe
: Bad cancer? Adam
: Wicked bad. Corri
: Aw, so she does charity work? Adam
: Yeah. Joe
: Dude, I thought you and Deanna were... Adam
: -were probably gonna get married some day? Pffft! That's so weird, see, that's what everyone says
: right? Laura
: Huh? Adam
: Yeah, see? It's just like people look at us and we just like exude total happiness and forever. You know, like you look at you guys and... not so much, I'm seeing maybe two maybe three months tops or whatever, but you look at us and it's like a permanent forever type thing, you know? And I'm gonna marry a girl...
[tears in his eyes
: and it's not gonna be you. Corri
: Well I can't wait to meet her. Adam
: Maybe some day.
: Who's this? Corri
: Um. Who are you? Deanna
: I'm Deanna. Adam
: Whaaaat? Deanna
: I'm his ex-girlfriend. Adam
: No you're not. Go away random girl! Deanna
: You know what, it's fine. You can have him. He cries during sex anyway.
[She spills a drink in Adam's lap
: Alright, what's going on here? Adam
: That's what I want to know!
: Mrs. Helder? Mrs. Helder?
[Realizing Mrs. Helder has died
: Oh, come on! Selfish bitch.
: Did they not have basic math in Colombia? Laura
: I'll have you know I aced math in Colombia, thank you very much. A kilo of cocaine goes for roughly twenty thousand dollars in a small suburban town like Holliston which when divided up into equal distribution and sold in two major cities at a fifty-five percent mark-up can turn a combined total of thirty-one thousand dollars, first grade math, what-what?
: There's gotta be someone we know that deserves to die. Joe
: Is it too late to send the tape to Tony Todd? Cause that guy sucks. Corri
: That guy totally sucks. Adam
: He sucks so bad. Laura
: He was not white.
[Off of everyone's offended looks
: Was that too much?
: What country is it from? Laura
: It's called "uk". Must be in Africa. Corri
: That says UK, Sweetheart. Britain? Laura
: Ooh, exotic!
: Hey, Corri. What do you think about a musical performance for the event? Do you want to perform a song or something? Corri
: OK. I'm flattered! Joe
: Great! An awful country song will really make SHINPADS look awesome! Corri
: So flattered.
: I wrote this song... for somebody very, very special to me.
: Adam, wait! I'm pregnant. Adam
: What? With a baby?
: Wait. How much of this is real and how much of this is just "end of season shenanigans". Like last season. When we all got shot to death for no reason. Corri
: The zombies aren't real. But you guys really lost your jobs. Laura really said no. And I'm really pregnant. Adam
: [Kneels down to tenderly put his face against her belly
: HI. MY NAME IS CORRI. SO NICE TO MEET YOU. Laura
: They're Colombian, Corri. Not deaf.
: Mom, Dad...
[Pulling Adam close
: ... this is Joe. Adam
: What? Corri
: What? Joe
: Cilantro? Axl The Cat
: What a comical situation.
: How did it go with John Anguish? Corri
: Terrible. He was so mean. He said that he thought that I was dumpy in High School and that I was a stuck up bitch for a chubby girl. He said I dress like a stripper and that I stick out my boobs to hide my ugly face. And he said that I'd never find happiness because I broke up with you. Adam
: Well sometimes the truth hurts.
[Off of Corri's angry look
: Sometimes. Not all of it. I like... I like your boobs AND your face.
: My outfits aren't slutty they're CUTE!
: [Regarding Bailee
] This is a joke, right? Bailee
: Adam warned me that you might be a little jealous and it's OK. Listen, I know you two used to date but believe me...
[looks Corri up and down
: ... I'm not worried.
: [Throwing Corri against the wall
] I know you're on to me. So here's the deal. You're not gonna say another word. And you're gonna walk away.
[Holds switch blade up to Corri's throat
: Or I'm gonna slit you open from your throat to your belly button. Are. We. COOL? Corri
: We're cool. Bailee
: [Puts switch blade away
] Perfecto! I really hope we can be friends and play nice, Corri. Oh, and by the way? You should really use some Dermalogica cream for those wrinkles.
[Holds up Dermalogica cream to the camera
: Thanks, Dermalogica!
: This little girl is crazy town! She pulled a knife on me and she's setting him up to go to jail for statutory rape! Officer Pappas
: Woah. That's a serious allegation. Rape is very bad. And not funny. Officer Duffy
: If you rape, you ain't... grape. Officer Pappas
: Grape. Bailee
: Officers, I have never seen this Joan Rivers lookalike in my life.
: Hey, Bailee. New Kids On The Block sucks! Bailee
: Who is that? Director
: [Off camera
] Corri, reference a band that's not 20 years old! Corri
: Hey, Bailee. One Direction sucks! Bailee
: [Grabbing switch blade and attacking
: Never have I ever had sex at my parent's house... while they were home
[passes the bottle to Adam
: drink. Adam
: Oh, fine, you know what though? Technically YOU should be drinking to that one too, don't you think? Corri
: OK, fine. Laura
: You guys have the same parents?
: What was that? Joe
: Maybe it was a fox? Adam
: Foxes don't laugh like Hobgoblins. Joe
: When something's funny they do.
: Joe, I'm gonna need to touch up your make-up. Joe
: I'm not wearing make-up. I'm a guy. I don't need make-up. Corri
: Adam's wearing make-up.
[the camera finds Adam who gives a sultry and pouty look into the lens
: You are beyond pathetic. Adam
: And you've really gained a lot of weight since last season.
: Dude! We did it! We're making a short film with two living horror icons! Kane's feeling better... Adam
: I'm gonna marry Danielle Harris... Laura
: I finished my painting, "Piggly No Wiggly"... Corri
: And I... wait, what good thing happened for me? Laura
: You got a Bon Bon Bum! Don't worry. They're fat free.
: Open your eyes. Adam
: You open your eyes. Corri
: ...That doesn't make any sense. Adam
: Maybe it doesn't have to.
: You're gonna regret this for the rest of your life. Corri
: [Stepping in front of Adam and taking his hand
] No he won't.
: Laura, you locked me out of the house. I was standing outside for like an hour before I came over here. Laura
: Jesus, Corri. Your boobs are huge when you're a cartoon character. Corri
: Thank you.