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Quotes for
Little Jeff (Character)
from Jeff Dunham: Controlled Chaos (2011) (TV)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
Jeff Dunham: Minding the Monsters (2012) (TV)
Jeff Dunham: All right, so, Bubba J, you're a vampire.
Bubba J: Yup, and I've come to suck your beer!

Jeff Dunham: [to Achmed] So, where you're from, are there female suicide bombers?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: We're pushing for it.
Jeff Dunham: Why?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: It's a lot easier than divorce. Think about it...!

Jeff Dunham: [to Walter] Is there any particular movie that scares you?
Walter: Yeah, a film of my wedding. But if I'm depressed, I watch it backwards.
[Walter looks out at the audience]
Walter: You get it? She walks away!

Walter: Do you know what scares me now?
Jeff Dunham: What?
Walter: When my wife says "Does this thong make my ass look fat?".
Jeff Dunham: You didn't answer that, right?
Walter: I guess I shouldn't have.
Jeff Dunham: What did you say?
Walter: I asked her if it was a thong or if her ass grew over her panties.
Jeff Dunham: That's terrible.
Walter: Yeah, I probably should've stopped there.
Jeff Dunham: What else did you say?
Walter: I said, "No, the thong doesn't make your ass look fat, your fat ass makes your fat ass look fat. The thong is the victim."

Jeff Dunham: [Peanut is dressed as a Batman-type superhero] So you're Batman.
Peanut: No, no, no!
[low voice]
Peanut: I'm Bat*nut*!
Jeff Dunham: Batnut?
Peanut: [still low voice] Yes! Batnut, nut-based avenger of the night!
Jeff Dunham: Is that why you're talking like that?
Peanut: Of course!
Jeff Dunham: Batnut.
Peanut: Yes.
Jeff Dunham: You sound more like you're the Joker.
[laughs; Peanut stares]
Peanut: Okay, shut up! I'll do the talking, you just stand there and try to look like you're doing something besides just standing there.

Bubba J: I'm Count Beercula! And I drink Blood-weiser!
[laughs]
Jeff Dunham: Anything else?
Bubba J: Yeah, I'm a white trash vampire.
Jeff Dunham: How's that?
Bubba J: My coffin has a gun rack.
Jeff Dunham: Really?
Bubba J: And I bit my cousin.

Peanut: I have everything Batman has except one thing.
Jeff Dunham: What?
Peanut: A butler.
[looks at Jeff]
Jeff Dunham: Funny.
Peanut: Aw, come on, dude! You'd make a great butler.
Jeff Dunham: No.
Peanut: Just go with it. You're Batnut's butler.
Jeff Dunham: Great.
Peanut: The Nutler! Now, Nutler, go iron my cape and disinfect my polyester bat shorts.

Jeff Dunham: Good evening, Walter.
Walter: [dressed as a Frankenstein-type monster] Do I look like Walter?
Jeff Dunham: Well, you look like a Walter-Frankenstein.
Walter: Well then, call me Crankenstein.
Jeff Dunham: All right, Crankenstein, you look good.
Walter: No, I don't! I look like a cross between Hillary Clinton and the Hulk!
[pauses]
Walter: No offense, Hulk.
Jeff Dunham: You don't look like either one of them.
Walter: Then I look like Gumby in a nursing home. How about that?
[laughs]
Walter: That would make you Pokey! Get it? You're an ass!

Jeff Dunham: [Achmed is dressed like a woman] So, Achmed, why are you dressed like this?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: You told me to dress like the scariest thing I could think of.
Jeff Dunham: What are you?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: I am a woman!
Jeff Dunham: Just a woman?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Worse, an *American* woman!
[laughs evilly]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: SILENCE! Impossible.

Jeff Dunham: Your coffin has a gun rack?
Bubba J: Everything I own has a gun rack. My gun rack has a gun rack. My coffee maker has a gun rack. My dishwasher has a gun rack.
Jeff Dunham: Your dishwasher?
Bubba J: Actually, I don't have a dishwasher.
Jeff Dunham: Oh.
Bubba J: My wife is my dishwasher, but she has a rack! I could rest my pistol there, if you know what I'm talking about. You know what I'm talking about? 'Cause I don't.

Jeff Dunham: Look, do you really think "Batnut" scares criminals?
Peanut: Of course! Especially if they have a nut allergy.

Walter: The love changes when you get older.
Jeff Dunham: How's that?
Walter: Well, you go from wanting to make out in a car to wanting to run over each other with a car. You go from "I was struck by Cupid's arrow," to "Maybe she'll get hit by a frickin' Camaro." From "Hold me and love me," to "Kiss my ass and die, bitch."

Jeff Dunham: It seems to me like I'm standing next to a poor excuse for a Batman.
Peanut: And I'm standing next to a poor excuse for a white man.

Jeff Dunham: [to Walter] If you don't like the costume, then why'd you pick this one?
Walter: We're supposed to dress as whatever scared us as a kid.
Jeff Dunham: Oh, so for you, that was Frankenstein.
Walter: Actually, it was a Catholic priest, but...
[the audience cheers]
Walter: But everybody gets mad when I offend the Mexicans.

Jeff Dunham: What's so scary about an American woman?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: They can vote.
Jeff Dunham: Yeah, and they can drive.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Not the Asian ones.
Jeff Dunham: That is incredibly racist.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Yet factually correct.
Jeff Dunham: How do you know?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: I learned it in Cosmo.
Jeff Dunham: Cosmo?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: I took the quiz.
Jeff Dunham: The quiz?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Yes, the quiz: "Are you a racist bitch?"
Jeff Dunham: I see.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: And guess what?
Jeff Dunham: What?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Ta-da!

Jeff Dunham: So Bubba J, why do you choose to be a vampire?
Bubba J: Well, we have a lot in common.
Jeff Dunham: How's that?
Bubba J: We both hang around with folks with red necks.
Jeff Dunham: Makes sense.
Bubba J: Yeah, and if you're a redneck vampire, you can only be killed by a silver mullet.
[laughs]
Bubba J: Or a chicken-fried stake through the heart.

Peanut: I actually think I'm better than Batman.
Jeff Dunham: How's that?
Peanut: I have one extra power that he does not.
Jeff Dunham: And that is...
Peanut: Bat telepathy!
Jeff Dunham: Bat telepathy?
Peanut: Yes, it's like ES-Peanut. I have the ability to read your mind.
Jeff Dunham: No, you...
Peanut: ...DON'T!
[nods]
Jeff Dunham: Come on, that's...
Peanut: ...ridiculous! It's like I knew what you were gonna say right when you did!
Jeff Dunham: Well, of course you did, because...
Peanut: ...I like to stare at Justin Bieber pictures and dream about being his secret girlfriend.
Jeff Dunham: Now you're making stuff up.
Peanut: Am I?
Jeff Dunham: Yes, but I...
Peanut: ...put honey in certain places for my little doggy to lick.

Peanut: You know what scares José? A deep fryer and cheese up his ass.
José Jalapeño on a Stick: I know someone else who has cheese up their ass.
Peanut: Yeah, who?
José Jalapeño on a Stick: Ask your mother.
Jeff Dunham: All right!

Jeff Dunham: Walter, are you ever happy?
Walter: You should hope not.
Jeff Dunham: Why?
Walter: Can you imagine me coming here in a good mood? "Hi, everybody. I'm Walter, and life is peachy!" You'd be working at Starbucks in a fucking week.

Jeff Dunham: [in response to being called a "middle-aged dumbass"] Middle-aged dumbass?
Walter: Which part of that do you not like the most? "Middle-aged" or "dumbass"?
Jeff Dunham: What do you think?
Walter: Well, you're only as old as you feel, but "dumbass" is in the DNA.

Jeff Dunham: So, Bubba J, are you Team Edward or Team Jacob?
Bubba J: Oh-ho, I'm Team Jack Daniels. Yeah, I've seen those Twilight vampires. I'm not sure about that. That one main guy, he's got a six-pack.
Jeff Dunham: Right.
Bubba J: Yeah, big deal. I've got a keg.

Jeff Dunham: [to Achmed] So what else scares you about American women?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Besides everything? The money.
Jeff Dunham: The money?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: You marry an American women, and in no time, all your money for bombs is gone! She blows money on shoes, I have no money to blow up the Jews.
[the audience laughs while Jeff stares at Achmed]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Whaaat? I don't mean just the Jews, but it rhymes! "Shoes" and "Jews". I could've said, you know, "slacks" and "blacks". But "Jews" is funnier. And I like black folks. Oh, we white chicks love the black guys!

Jeff Dunham: So, like Batman, do you have a signal in the sky to summon you?
Peanut: Well, I've been trying to figure that out. First, I was gonna have a big bat in the sky, but then I thought, no, that's Batman. Then I thought, I know, I'll have one big nut in the sky. Then I thought, no, that's Lance Armstrong.

Jeff Dunham: You know, Walter, technically, you're not really Frankenstein.
Walter: What?
Jeff Dunham: Well, most people don't realize this, but the monster was the Monster, and Frankenstein was actually the doctor.
Walter: Well, thank you, Professor Googles-too-fucking-much! Yeah, you should Tweet that. How about that? Then you can Tweet, "I'm a huge dork! Frowny face, hashtag Dumb-ass".

Jeff Dunham: [to José, who is dressed as Batnut's sidekick, Ruben] So on Halloween, when you guys aren't Batnut and Ruben, do you go trick-or-treating?
José Jalapeño on a Stick: Si. We go home to home.
Jeff Dunham: Ah.
Peanut: Unless he's out of work.
Jeff Dunham: What?
Peanut: Then he goes Home Depot to Home Depot.

Jeff Dunham: So as a skeleton...
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: [gasps] What did you call me?
Jeff Dunham: A skeleton.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Oh, you're just trying to flatter me. I still need to lose ten more pounds.
Jeff Dunham: You're all bones.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: I know! EAT YOUR HEART OUT, ANGELINAAAAA! Seriously, eat something, anything, a fucking sandwich, whatever.

Jeff Dunham: [to Bubba J] You have hair.
Bubba J: I know. It's a miracle! It's like an armpit grew on my head.

Jeff Dunham: [relating a story from his childhood when cars had no seat belts] I would run around back there, and when my mother was driving, she would not pay any attention to me. My mother, still to this day, has a big, giant beehive hairdo. Pretty much Marge Simpson hair, but not the same color, you know what I'm saying? Looks like that. She also has these giant curlers she uses, and she put them all over her hair. And I remember standing in the backseat, and I would look at her hair, this big, giant beehive of hairdo, all held together with AquaNet. And these big, giant curlers would make these holes, which looked like caves to me. I imagined they were a maze of caves in her hair like this. I remember standing back there, staring at the hair, and then I looked over on the seat of the car and, oh, there's a little rubber, plastic spider, a black spider. This is all true. I took that black spider, and I put it right on the edge of one of the curls. Fantastic, looked great. I'm sitting there, looking at it, and I thought, nah, that's not good enough. I found a pencil. I took the pencil. She's not paying any attention. This is all true. Didn't know I was doing this. And I took that pencil and ever so gently pushed it back to the back of the curl, deep into the caves of curls. Gone! Four days later... I'm not kidding. Four days later, my bedroom was right next to my parents' bathroom. My mother would comb out of her hair about once a month. It was four days later, she's in the bathroom, combing out her hair. The bloodcurdling scream that came when that spider fell onto her lap was worth the beating I took later that night.

[Jeff brought out Little Jeff, dressed in a green bodysuit with the letter L on it and wearing a mask that has a huge letter L on it; he is Batnut's archenemy]
Peanut: Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, the Loser!
Little Jeff: [dramatically] I am the Loser!
Jeff Dunham: Peanut?
Peanut: Wait, wait! He has to say it again!
Little Jeff: [dramatically] I am a Loser!
Jeff Dunham: We got it. And why do you think this is funny?
Peanut: He's a loser!
José Jalapeño on a Stick: [from inside the box] Maybe it's you, señor.
Jeff Dunham: I know that.
Peanut: Yeah, it's Dunham and Dunham-er!
Little Jeff: [dramatically] We are the Losers!

Jeff Dunham: [to Achmed, dressed as a woman] So what size dress is that?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: [gasps] You never ask a woman that! But if you must know, I am now a size zero.
Jeff Dunham: How'd you get down to a size zero?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: My weight loss program, suicide bombing...
Jeff Dunham: What?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: I lost 200 pounds in 0.2 seconds. Now I can eat whatever I want. Seriously, it goes right through me. Give me a cheeseburger and a bucket.

Walter: Frankenstein. Sounds like a Jewish name. You think Dr. Frankenstein was Jewish?
Jeff Dunham: I don't know.
Walter: That would explain a lot.
Jeff Dunham: Why is that?
Walter: He was digging up used body parts.
Jeff Dunham: Right.
Walter: Probably to save money.
[looks out at audience]
Walter: Oh, tell me I'm wrong! Yeah, that's it, he was Jewish! And that explains why his monster was angry all the time.
Jeff Dunham: Why?
Walter: Because he's circumcised, the poor bastard! Now that changes the movie completely. He's killing the villagers because he's deranged! No, he's not, his wiener hurts! And it was somebody else's. You know, if I were really that monster, wherever the doctor was digging up parts, I'd hope that cemetery had one dead black guy and no Asians.
[nods as the audience laughs]
Walter: That's right, I did a racist wiener joke. Happy frickin' Hallow-wiener.

Jeff Dunham: Bubba J, I was wondering something.
Bubba J: Yeah, that happens to me a lot, too.
Jeff Dunham: What I was going to say is, what happens if a vampire drinks the blood of an alcoholic?
Bubba J: [gasps] That's genius! I got a blood alcohol level of 3.4. I should bite myself! Wait, if I do that, will I go blind?
[the audience laughs]
Jeff Dunham: No.
Bubba J: Oh yeah, that's something else, isn't it? Yeah, okay, no, no.
Jeff Dunham: But that's a pretty high blood alcohol level.
Bubba J: Yeah, drink too much of my blood, and you'll end up going home with an ugly chick with a lazy eye. And you won't even realize she's a he!

Jeff Dunham: [to José, who is dressed as Batnut's sidekick Ruben] So, uh, Ruben, are you a fan of Batman and Robin?
José Jalapeño on a Stick: No.
Jeff Dunham: Then why are you dressed like this?
José Jalapeño on a Stick: Señor Peanut put these clothes on me.
[Peanut nods]
José Jalapeño on a Stick: I could not stop him.
Jeff Dunham: Why couldn't you stop him?
Peanut: [amused] He doesn't have any arms!
[laughs silently]

Jeff Dunham: [to Peanut] So, do you have any weapons?
Peanut: Of course! Batman has the Batarang; I have the Nutarang!
Jeff Dunham: The Nutarang?
Peanut: Yes, it does exactly what you think it does. But when it comes back, I don't wanna catch it. And I have two of them! I call them the Dynamic Duo! And I keep them near the Batpole!
Jeff Dunham: Are you finished?
Peanut: Yes! No more double entendres!
Jeff Dunham: [nods] Thank you.
Peanut: Until the next one!
Jeff Dunham: Peanut!
Peanut: Don't get testicle!
Jeff Dunham: Oh, come on!

Jeff Dunham: [to Achmed] Do you like scary movies?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Oh, yes. My favorites are "I Know What You Did Last Ramadan", "Dr. Jekyll and Hide or We'll All Be Killed!", but my favorite is "SILENCE! Of the Lambs". And thank God they are silent. Oh, if the lambs could talk...
Jeff Dunham: Achmed, could we please stop with the sheep jokes? There's children watching.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Really?
Jeff Dunham: Right.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Then it's time for the talk.
Jeff Dunham: What?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: When a man and a sheep love each other very much...
Jeff Dunham: Will you stop it?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: That's what the sheep always say. That's why you have to go with a lamb; they're silent.

Jeff Dunham: What about life after death?
Walter: Huh?
Jeff Dunham: Some people think that even after death, you're still together for all of eternity.
Walter: I'm pretty sure you just told me to go to hell.

Jeff Dunham: You know, Bubba J, you kinda look like the Count on "Sesame Street".
Bubba J: Oh. That's the vampire that knows how to count, right?
Jeff Dunham: Yeah.
Bubba J: That's where he and I are different.
Jeff Dunham: So how high can you count?
Bubba J: Six. When I buy a 12-pack, I just have to trust 'em.
Jeff Dunham: Well, you can just buy two six-packs.
Bubba J: [whimpers] I think I hurt my brain.

Jeff Dunham: Are there any Batman villains that frighten you?
Peanut: Oh yeah.
Jeff Dunham: Which one?
Peanut: The clown that dresses weird and wears too much makeup.
Jeff Dunham: Right.
Peanut: So any of the Orange County Housewives.

Jeff Dunham: [to José as Ruben] As Batnut's sidekick, do you have any responsibilities?
José Jalapeño on a Stick: No.
Jeff Dunham: Nothing? You don't even drive a car?
José Jalapeño on a Stick: No.
Peanut: That would be stick on stick. And that's illegal in some states.

Jeff Dunham: Achmed...
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: No, no! Achmedina.
Jeff Dunham: Do you dress like this often?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: No, only when I want free drinks.
[looks out at audience]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: AM I RIGHT, LADIES?

Jeff Dunham: [to Walter] You love your wife.
Walter: Yeah, I know, but on our wedding, when she came walking down the aisle, with that giant hair and all that makeup, I felt like yelling, "It's alive! IT'S ALIVE!"

Jeff Dunham: [to Walter, trying to steer their conversation to the topic of Halloween] Do you guys still get a lot of trick-or-treaters?
Walter: Not anymore.
Jeff Dunham: Why?
Walter: Well, a couple of years ago, unfortunately, my wife answered the door with one of her knockers hanging out of her robe. Yeah, we still get therapy bills from those kids.
Jeff Dunham: Did you actually say "knockers"?
Walter: Yeah, I guess now they're more like flappers. Hell, if she moves just right, they flop like two doggy doors. Oh yeah, last week, she did jumping jacks and ended up with two black eyes.

Jeff Dunham: I'm not gonna be your butler.
Peanut: Nutler!
Jeff Dunham: Whatever! I'm not doing it.
Peanut: Oh, it's not like you have anything else to do.
Jeff Dunham: What does that mean?
Peanut: Seriously, what do you do when the other guys and I aren't here? Walk around looking for other folks to stand next to?
[nods]
Peanut: You even already have a butler name.
Jeff Dunham: What?
Peanut: Dun-HAAAAAM!
[British accent]
Peanut: Oh, Dun-ham, bring me my tea. It's time to butter the scones.
[normal voice]
Peanut: I can even have a little bell. Ding ding!
[British voice]
Peanut: Jef-fa-fa! I want my scones.
Jeff Dunham: I'm not taking orders from you.
Peanut: You would if I did it in a voice.
[low voice]
Peanut: Jef-fa-fa! Time to polish the Nutarang. And please fluff the padding in my cup.

Bubba J: I love Halloween. Trick or drink!
Jeff Dunham: Trick or treat.
Bubba J: Not on my road.
Jeff Dunham: What do you do, hand out cans of beer?
Bubba J: [laughs] That'd be dumb. No, no. I squirt 'em in the mouth with a keg hose. Yeah, that ain't no normal golden shower.
Jeff Dunham: [chuckles] I wouldn't know.
Bubba J: Heh. Yeah, whatever.

Jeff Dunham: Why is Batman's voice like that anyway?
Peanut: I don't know, suit's too tight?
[strained voice]
Peanut: This suit's a little tight, Alfred, it's kind of scrunching up the Dynamic Duo.

Achmed the Dead Terrorist: [to Jeff] Hey! I see you looking at me. What do you think?
Jeff Dunham: Uh, nice hair.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Oh yes, and I promise you, the drapes match the carpets...
[raises and lowers his eyebrows at audience, who cheers softly; he gets annoyed]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: What? I was talking about my beard, you idiots! I don't have carpet carpet.

Jeff Dunham: You know, Walter, these people came here to be entertained.
Walter: Not all of 'em. You know, there's a handful of guys sitting out there right now whose wives were like, "Oh, come on, we have to go see the middle-aged dumbass and his dolls." And now those guys are sitting out there right now, going, "Son of a bitch. It's a middle-aged dumbass and his dolls." And now you're playing dress-up with your dolls. When's the tea party, Ken?

Jeff Dunham: [to José] So, do you have super powers?
José Jalapeño on a Stick: Si.
Jeff Dunham: What are they?
José Jalapeño on a Stick: I can hit you with my stick.
Peanut: Or poke you in the eye.
José Jalapeño on a Stick: If you eat me, I burn your ass.
Peanut: [nods] And if you mix him with bad guacamole, he can give you the cha-cha-chas.

Jeff Dunham: [to Bubba J, who is dressed as a vampire] I think this is a good choice for you.
Bubba J: Yeah. I wanted to be a ghost, but somebody backstage told me a redneck in a white sheet wasn't a good idea.

Achmed the Dead Terrorist: [dressed as a woman] So Jeffrey, do you like my hoochers?
Jeff Dunham: That's, uh, "hooters".
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: You can call them whatever you want. You just have to buy me dinner first.
[Jeff looks at Achmed's dress]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Hey!
[Jeff looks up at Achmed's face]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: My eyes are up here! My hoochers do not talk. But of course, you could make them talk if you wanted to, couldn't you? Hell, you could make my voice come out of my vajayjay if you wanted to. Or as I call it, my terror cave!
[looks out at audience]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: AM I RIGHT, LADIES?

Walter: Then there are the teenagers who show up at your door with a sack and no costume.
Jeff Dunham: Right.
Walter: They just have the munchies from smoking too much weed.
Jeff Dunham: Weed?
Walter: Yeah, you know, pot.
Jeff Dunham: I know.
Walter: Mary Jane.
Jeff Dunham: Right.
Walter: Ganja, the chronic, the Bangkok blastoff, the sticky icky...
Jeff Dunham: How do you know all this?
Walter: I have glaucoma.

Peanut: You know what the worst superhero name is?
Jeff Dunham: What?
Peanut: Green Lantern. Named after a lamp. It's like, "I'm the Silver Toaster! Stand back or I'll warm you!"

Jeff Dunham: [to José as Ruben] Have you ever been a sidekick before?
Peanut: No, but he's been a side dish.
[cackles]
Peanut: Get it? A side dish!
José Jalapeño on a Stick: With cheese for your mother.
Jeff Dunham: All right!

Jeff Dunham: [to Bubba J, dressed as a vampire] Like this, I think you're pretty scary.
Bubba J: Thanks.
Jeff Dunham: But what scares you?
Bubba J: Tornadoes, breathalyzers... and books with words.
Jeff Dunham: Well, I agree with you on the tornadoes.
Bubba J: Yeah, it's pretty scary when you get into bed and the room is spinning the wrong way. Think about it... I don't think Dorothy's house really went anywhere. She was just drunk off her ass.

José Jalapeño on a Stick: [from inside the box, about Little Jeff as the Loser] Ask him about his powers, señor.
Peanut: Yeah, yeah! C'mon, ask him!
Jeff Dunham: I'm not talking to a doll.
[long pause; audience laughs]
Peanut: Aw, c'mon, ask him about his powers.
José Jalapeño on a Stick: Please, señor?
Peanut: Come on!
Jeff Dunham: All right, all right!
[to Little Jeff]
Jeff Dunham: So, uh, Loser, what are your powers?
Peanut: [laughs] You talked to a fucking doll! You're a loser! Oh my god! You need a big L on your forehead, too!
Jeff Dunham: [exasperated] Okay, so does he have any powers?
Peanut: Nope!
Little Jeff: Losers!
Jeff Dunham: All right.
Peanut: He's just like you, except everything is smaller.
Little Jeff: Not everything.

Jeff Dunham: [to Achmed] You look good.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: No, I'm not. I'm bloated. I feel fat. I have cramps. I'm going to cry!
Jeff Dunham: What's wrong?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: I don't know!

Jeff Dunham: [to Walter] You're not exactly young anymore.
Walter: Hey! Let's think about this for a second.
Jeff Dunham: What?
Walter: How long have I been in the show?
Jeff Dunham: Twenty-four years.
Walter: Twenty-four years! So anybody who might've seen our show 24 years ago...
Jeff Dunham: Yeah?
Walter: *I* look exactly the same. *You* do not. Yeah, this show started out "Young Man, Old Man". Pretty soon, we're gonna be the stinkin' Sunshine Boys.

Jeff Dunham: So Bubba J, if you were a real vampire, you'd have to stay inside all day.
Bubba J: Yeah.
Jeff Dunham: What would you do?
Bubba J: I'd watch NASCAR on my plasma TV.
Jeff Dunham: Oh. Wait a minute, you have a plasma TV?
Bubba J: Well, sort of. It's a regular TV, but I call it that 'cause I sold my blood to get it.

Peanut: Does Batman fart?
Jeff Dunham: I don't know.
Peanut: Yeah, but his are probably just like him: silent but deadly. Wait! Did you hear that?
Jeff Dunham: No.
Peanut: Then you're already dead!

Peanut: Captain America is cool. Captain Mexico is his mortal enemy; always trying to take his job. And, of course, Captain America's shield is built by Captain China.
Jeff Dunham: Captain China?
Peanut: Yeah, and sometimes he teams up with the fearsome fighter from France.
Jeff Dunham: What does he do?
Peanut: Just bitch, waits for help, then surrenders.

Jeff Dunham: [about Walter's wedding] So how'd the service go?
Walter: Well, the worst part was when the minister asked if anybody objected and no one would listen to me.
Jeff Dunham: Maybe they couldn't hear you.
Walter: Hey, you're right. You weren't there!

Jeff Dunham: [José, as Batnut's sidekick Ruben, is wearing a mask] So, José, where'd you get the mask?
José Jalapeño on a Stick: Señor Peanut.
Peanut: All he needed was a piece of material with two holes in it.
Jeff Dunham: Right.
Peanut: So that's my underwear.
[cackles and nods]
Jeff Dunham: His mask is your underwear?
José Jalapeño on a Stick: Is that why my eyes are burning?
Peanut: [nods] Thank you, Taco Bell!

Jeff Dunham: As I grew up, I learned to appreciate all those monster things, and then when I had children, I taught my children that scaring and being scared was a great thing. My youngest daughter, Kenna, when she was a little kid, she was a master at scaring people. And when you're scared, there's one of two things that happens to you. You have one of two emotions usually, and it's either fight or flight. And you don't know which one you're gonna do until you're actually really, really scared, and I've never actually been really, really scared until my daughter started scaring me! This little twerp can jump out of nowhere in the middle of the darkness and...
[mimics child making a startling sound]
Jeff Dunham: ... and I was like, "WAH!" And I wasn't a flight; I didn't scream like a girl and run away. I started punching! The worst was when I was upstairs in the master bathroom, I was cleaning a toilet, I had the plunger, I was plunging the toilet, I got finished, I was walking down the hall, middle of the night like this.
[walks across the stage]
Jeff Dunham: She jumped out of nowhere. My first reaction was, like, "Whoa-oh-oh!"
[pretends to swing a stick]
Jeff Dunham: And she's like, "Yay! Dad almost killed me with a plunger! Whoo!" She's laughing. That little kid would hide underneath my desk in my office. I had a desk that was fully enclosed. When you'd sit underneath it, it was a little cave under there. She learned to hide under there, and she would sit there patiently. That's what's so evil about it. She would wait for ten minutes and then reach out and grab my legs. I'd be like...
[grunts]
Jeff Dunham: She eventually learned to take a pillow with her. You'd be like, "Aah!"
[makes kicking motion]
Jeff Dunham: What the...? Oh.

Jeff Dunham: [to Bubba J, who has hair as part of his vampire costume] I'll bet you didn't even recognize yourself in a mirror.
Bubba J: Oh, I never look in a mirror.
Jeff Dunham: Why not?
Bubba J: Because in a mirror, I'm backwards, and it scares me.
Jeff Dunham: It scares you?
Bubba J: Yeah, because I know that all mirrors are actually windows to that world where everything they do is the opposite of us.
[nods]
Bubba J: And when they look in the mirror, they see us, and we're doing everything they do but backwards to them.
[nods again]
Jeff Dunham: That's ridiculous.
Bubba J: I know, but you can't prove me wrong!
Jeff Dunham: Bubba J...
Bubba J: And sometimes, folks from that world lose their way and then somehow end up in this world. They are amongst us!
Jeff Dunham: How can you tell?
Bubba J: They're easy to spot.
Jeff Dunham: How?
Bubba J: Because they write with their left hands!

Jeff Dunham: [about Little Jeff, who is dressed as Batnut's archenemy, The Loser] Does he have one power at all?
Peanut: Yes, he has one power.
Jeff Dunham: What is it?
Peanut: He can repulse women with a single sentence! Watch.
Little Jeff: I am a ventriloquist!

Jeff Dunham: Look, Achmed, I don't think this costume is that scary.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Oh, really? What if I came to your door? Ding-dong! Remember that night at Applebee's? I'm carrying your child!
Jeff Dunham: Yeah, that would be scary.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: And it's worse for you: when an angry blonde woman comes to your door, she doesn't want candy, she wants half!

Jeff Dunham: [talking about Frankenstein] Walter, you went from "Frankenstein" to "circumstision"... "-cision"...
Walter: Focus! What the hell is "circumstision"? Sounds like something they cut out of the Constitution. Just the top part.
Jeff Dunham: All right.
Walter: Yeah, by the forefathers.
Jeff Dunham: All right!

Jeff Dunham: [to Peanut and José] As Batnut and Ruben, do you have an archenemy, some sort of villain?
José Jalapeño on a Stick: Si, señor.
Peanut: Oh yeah.
Jeff Dunham: Really?
Peanut: Yeah.
Jeff Dunham: Can we see him?
Peanut: You see him every day.
Jeff Dunham: [confused] What?
José Jalapeño on a Stick: [loudly] He said, "You see him every day"!
Jeff Dunham: I heard him.
José Jalapeño on a Stick: Then why did you say "What?"
Jeff Dunham: What?
Peanut: [yelling] He said, "Why did you say what?"
Jeff Dunham: Why are you yelling?
Peanut: Because you keep saying "what"!

Jeff Dunham: So Bubba J, what do you like most about Halloween?
Bubba J: Oh, I like it when hot girls dress up like sexy kittens.
Jeff Dunham: Kittens?
Bubba J: Yeah, which, after too much beer, led to my unfortunate incident with my neighbor's cat. Yeah, I still have scratches in bad places, and one really good one. So does the cat.

Achmed the Dead Terrorist: I've been working on a new weapon.
Jeff Dunham: A new weapon?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Just for female suicide bombers.
Jeff Dunham: What's that?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: A tam-bomb. Just pull the string...
[imitates explosion, then laughs as Jeff holds his head in embarrassment]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: You know that's a good one!

Walter: [about Frankenstein's monster] Why was the doctor's monster seven feet tall?
Jeff Dunham: What?
Walter: That's dangerous! He should've started with a small monster.
Jeff Dunham: Small monster?
Walter: Yeah, Frankenmidget. Then if he goes nuts, just strap his ass to the kid's car seat and drive around till he falls asleep. Parents do it all the time. If he gets loose, what's the worst that could happen? You get a call from the villagers: "Hey, come get your monster! He's in our yard, and he's humping our cat!" "That's impossible, his wiener hurts."

Jeff Dunham: [about Little Jeff as The Loser] So does he do anything?
Peanut: He plays with dolls!
Little Jeff: That's me!
Peanut: And he plays with himself for hours.
Little Jeff: That's more him than me.

Jeff Dunham: So Bubba J, what else scares you?
Bubba J: Being kidnapped by aliens.
Jeff Dunham: Right.
Bubba J: The ones from space, not Mexico.

Peanut: [to José about Jeff, who keeps saying "What?"] He's getting old.
Jeff Dunham: What?
Peanut: See?
José Jalapeño on a Stick: He said "What?" again.
Peanut: It's downhill after 50.
José Jalapeño on a Stick: He's been farting more now, too.
Peanut: I know, old guys do that.
Jeff Dunham: Excuse me!
José Jalapeño on a Stick: I think he farted again.
Peanut: At least he's polite.
Jeff Dunham: You guys?
Peanut: [loudly] Yes, Jeff?
José Jalapeño on a Stick: It's okay to get old, Señor.
Peanut: It happens to everyone.
José Jalapeño on a Stick: Unless you die first.

Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Someone told me yesterday I look like a Victoria's Secret model.
Jeff Dunham: Really?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: I know what their secret is.
Jeff Dunham: What?
[Achmed makes a retching sound]

Jeff Dunham: You know, Walter, middle-age is a state of mind.
Walter: Not when your ass starts leaking.
[the audience laughs as Walter looks out at them; he nods]
Walter: Yeah, there's a couple of old farts in the front row, going, "Yeah, he's right, Lars. My ass is leaking. He's right."

Jeff Dunham: [to Bubba J] Do you ever have any trouble around your neighborhood on Halloween?
Bubba J: Yeah, last Halloween, somebody threw toilet tissue all over my trailer.
Jeff Dunham: Really?
Bubba J: Yeah. Just in time, too. I was out of leaves and down to pine cones.


Jeff Dunham: Controlled Chaos (2011) (TV)
Jeff Dunham: Wait a minute. You communicate with Osama?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Of course.
Jeff Dunham: How?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: On Face-shot-off-Book.

Jeff Dunham: I think a lot of us might like to know how you feel about the death of Osama.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: [gasp] I didn't do it!

[Achmed is pantomiming getting shot with a bow and arrow]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Okay, I'm done. I can sit up now.
Jeff Dunham: [laughing] Actually, you can't.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: What?
Jeff Dunham: [still laughing] Your ribs are caught on your spine.

Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Knock knock.
Jeff Dunham: Who's there?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Me, I kill you again!
[laughs]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: You're such an idiot! You keep answering the door! Where I am from, the game we teach our children is when someone says "Knock knock", you shut the fuck up and hide.
[laughter]

Jeff Dunham: [to Walter] You know, I saw an old photo of you and your wife. Your wife's quite beautiful.
Walter: You saw an old photo.
[Walter glares at Jeff; audience laughs]
Walter: Yeah, I'm kidding. I know, I married a petite, young, beautiful thing. Yeah, she was eventually eaten by the woman I live with now.
[mimicking Fat Albert]
Walter: Hey, hey, hey!

Jeff Dunham: You're just flat-out saying your wife's overweight.
Walter: Oh, no, no, no, no, no. She's undertall.

Jeff Dunham: [talking about Walter's wife] She loves going on these trips. She loves window shopping.
Walter: Not in Amsterdam, she didn't.
[laughs]
Walter: Because in Amsterdam, there's hookers in the windows!
[laughs again]

Peanut: [showing off his skills as a ventriloquist by working a dummy version of Jeff Dunham himself] How are you, Little Ugly Jeff?
Little Jeff: Not good.
Jeff Dunham: Wait a minute. You're gonna call him "Ugly Jeff"?
Peanut: Oh, no, no, no. *Little* Ugly Jeff.
Little Jeff: Is there any other name?
Peanut: Uh, Little Ugly Ass Jeff?
Little Jeff: I like that.
José Jalapeño on a Stick: [from inside the box] Me, too, señor.
Little Jeff: Thank you.
Peanut: You're welcome.
Jeff Dunham: Wait a minute. I would prefer if you didn't use the word "ass".
Peanut: Oh, I didn't really. It's all one word. Little Ugly Assjeff.
Little Jeff: Assjeff, Assjeff, I am Assjeff.
Peanut: See? It's good.
José Jalapeño on a Stick: Bravo!
Peanut: Gracias.
Little Jeff: De nada.
Jeff Dunham: This is ridiculous!

Jeff Dunham: [to Peanut] Do you like it here?
Peanut: I love it here! It's beautiful, it's sold out, the place is paid for; we must be on an Indian reservation! And these are all Indians!
Jeff Dunham: Look, Peanut, first of all, the politically-correct term these days is "Native American".
Peanut: [whispering] Oh, yeah, good!
[normal voice]
Peanut: Well, I certainly wouldn't want to piss them off. They could try and scalp me, but all they'd get is a fishing lure!
[nods]

Walter: Did you know that in Amsterdam, you can legally purchase marijuana?
Jeff Dunham: [nods] I, uh, yeah. I did know that.
Walter: You know where?
Jeff Dunham: Coffee houses.
Walter: Coffee houses! It's my favorite coffee place ever! "I'd like a latte and a doobie! And... nineteen dozen donuts. Thank you."

Jeff Dunham: [showing a school photo of himself] That's Justin Bieber hair, dammit.

Jeff Dunham: Walter, divorce is painful.
Walter: Oh, yeah, like a deep tissue massage.

Walter: [talking about Jeff doing his show in South Africa] Everybody in the audience in South Africa, they're all, you know, white.
[looks at Jeff]
Jeff Dunham: [perplexed] So?
Walter: What do you mean, so? We were in Africa, you moron! Have you ever looked at National Geographic?
[Jeff rolls his eyes]
Walter: I thought everybody there was... uh, you know, the opposite. And then I look out in the crowd and I think, "Well, where the hell are all the flies?"
[the audience laughs]
Walter: Oh, like you haven't seen the same commercials I have! Everybody looked healthy! I'm sitting there thinking, well, their "we're the world" thing really worked out! You're welcome! Hell, the way our economy is here now, they should be sending us back some of that money!

[Jeff had trouble saying "How are you" to José and Peanut had him say it with him one word at a time]
Jeff Dunham: How are you, José?
José Jalapeño on a Stick: I don't know. It took too long. Actually, I'm excited, señor.
Jeff Dunham: Why are you excited, José?
Peanut: Probably because you're holding his stick.
[nods and sways his head]
Jeff Dunham: Do you have to do jokes like that?
Peanut: It's just weird to me that, in front of everyone, you're holding José's stick!
Jeff Dunham: Any suggestions?
Peanut: You should at least take him out to dinner first.
[nods]

Jeff Dunham: So, Achmed, are you enjoying Richmond?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Oh, I love the nightlife here.
Jeff Dunham: What part of the nightlife?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: They have live sex shows.
Jeff Dunham: Really? Where?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: In the hotel room right next to mine.
[the audience laughs; Jeff and Achmed look perplexedly out at the audience and then at each other]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: What?
Jeff Dunham: That's my room.
[the audience laughs and cheers]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Next time, you should get a partner.

[Referring to the death of Bin Laden]
Jeff Dunham: Well, what did you think about them burying him at sea?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: I think it's cool that he could end up anywhere!
Jeff Dunham: What do you mean?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: That is one episode of "Spongebob" I gotta see!

Walter: [Jeff mentioned that the housing in Africa is bad] Can we talk about the housing?
Jeff Dunham: No.
Walter: [to audience] Okay, listen up.
Jeff Dunham: Wait a minute...
Walter: In the poorest areas...
Jeff Dunham: We went there...
Walter: Yeah, we visited them. I'm not making any jokes, I'm just passing on information. In the poorest areas, their houses, I'm not kidding, were all built out of poo.
Jeff Dunham: Cow dung.
Walter: Shit.
[Jeff stares at Walter]
Walter: Aw, come on! Their houses are built out of shit! Who the hell made that decision? Couple of guys sitting around one day, Matumba and Chuck.
[Jeff smiles; Walter stares]
Jeff Dunham: Chuck?
Walter: I don't know any African names, do you?

Jeff Dunham: [to Achmed, about to bring out his son] What I want you to do is to just...
[points to his right]
Jeff Dunham: ... look over there while I'm getting him out so you won't peek.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Okay.
Jeff Dunham: Just look over there.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Hey, wait a minute. When I'm not looking, are you going to kill me?
Jeff Dunham: No.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: That's actually a good way of doing it, you know. Kind of old school, but effective.

Peanut: [referring to José Jalapeño's stick] Maybe it's actually a handle.
Jeff Dunham: A handle?
Peanut: Yeah, you can use José as a weapon.
Jeff Dunham: To hit with?
Peanut: Yes!
José Jalapeño on a Stick: I want to go back in the box.
Peanut: No, this is awesome! "What happened to Frank?" "He got whacked by a jalapeño!"
José Jalapeño on a Stick: On a stick.
Peanut: Yes! Think about it: you'd be wielding a Mexican whacker!
José Jalapeño on a Stick: On a stick.
Peanut: YES!

Peanut: Look, you know how Batman had a sidekick, Robin, and one of their weapons was a Batarang?
Jeff Dunham: Yes, of course.
Peanut: [looking at Jeff] Oh, dude.
Jeff Dunham: What?
Peanut: You just showed your geek. And it smells like loser.
[shakes head]
José Jalapeño on a Stick: You are not a loser, señor.
Jeff Dunham: Thank you, José.
Peanut: Suck-up.
José Jalapeño on a Stick: Muppet reject.

Jeff Dunham: [about Walter's wife] Have you ever had a weight problem?
Walter: Only when she sat on me.
Jeff Dunham: Will you...
Walter: [screams] "Get off of me!" Actually, it's more like this: "Hello?"
[mimics echoing]
Walter: "Hello... hello..." "It's dark in here!... Here... here..." "I found your keys!... keys... keys..." I am not kidding. Then she farted and unlocked the car doors.
Jeff Dunham: What does your wife think when you do things like this?
Walter: I don't care.

Peanut: [told that the politically-correct term for "Indian" is "Native American"] I guess that is a little less confusing of a term, though.
Jeff Dunham: What?
Peanut: "Native American".
Jeff Dunham: Why?
Peanut: 'Cause when you say "Indian", you don't know what the hell they're talking about.
Jeff Dunham: What?
Peanut: Is it the ones that go...
[mimics stereotypical Native American chanting]
Peanut: ... or the ones that go...
[speaking in Indian accent]
Peanut: "Thank you for calling customer support"?
[audience cheers]
Peanut: But in this case, I'm talking about the ones that go...
[mimics the Native American chant, doing in a high voice and a low voice, then says in Jeff's ear]
Peanut: How.
Jeff Dunham: Do you know what that chant means?
Peanut: No, but I think it means...
[to the Native American chant]
Peanut: "I forgot the words!"

Jeff Dunham: Achmed, since you're clearly a terrorist, are you Muslim?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: No! Scientologist.
Jeff Dunham: But you used to be Muslim.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: No, look at me! I'm too extreme! I was Catholic.
Jeff Dunham: Really?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: A Methodist.
Jeff Dunham: What?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Buddhist.
Jeff Dunham: What?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: A Baptist.
Jeff Dunham: What?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: A Capricorn.
Jeff Dunham: Wait a minute! What are you doing?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: I'm trying to offend as many infidels as possible.
[laughs evilly]

Jeff Dunham: [to Achmed] It's your son, Achmed Jr.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: A.J.?
Achmed Jr.: That's right.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Wait, I thought you were dead.
Achmed Jr.: Surprise.

Jeff Dunham: [to Peanut] You know, we have plenty of Native Americans here this evening.
Peanut: Oh, goody! Let's play craps!
[nods; Jeff stares]
Peanut: What? They've got the reservations and the casinos and making millions of dollars every day, hand over fist. They're laughing all the way to the bank.

Jeff Dunham: [to Walter] Did you like the city of London?
Walter: I don't know. I got confused one day standing in a hotel lobby.
Jeff Dunham: Why?
Walter: Some big ol' black guy walked up to me and started speaking English with a British accent. I thought I was in the Twilight Zone. I swear, some big ol' black guy walks up to me and goes...
[British accent]
Walter: "Oh, good afternoon, sir."
[normal voice]
Walter: I'm like, "Who the hell is making you talk?" What the hell?

Peanut: So, how are you, Little Ugly Assjeff?
Little Jeff: I'm sad, handsome Peanut.
Jeff Dunham: Wait a minute. Handsome Peanut?
Little Jeff: Yes, Peanut is very handsome, unlike you, ugly-ass Jeff.
Jeff Dunham: He is me!
Peanut: Good point.
Little Jeff: I hate my ugly-ass self.

Jeff Dunham: So you know where we are?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Yes, South Africa!
[Jeff stares and shakes his head]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: No?
[Jeff shakes his head again]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: But Walter said if they're all white, it's South Africa.
Jeff Dunham: No, we're back in the United States.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Oh, are they pissed?
Jeff Dunham: About what in particular?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Well, you know, I kinda look like a...
Jeff Dunham: Oh, yeah.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Yeah. A cab driver.

Jeff Dunham: [Jeff learns that José was evicted] Why didn't you come to my house?
[Peanut snickers]
José Jalapeño on a Stick: Ask Peanut.
Jeff Dunham: [to Peanut] Why didn't he come to my house?
Peanut: [amused] We told him you loved eating Mexican food!
José Jalapeño on a Stick: I was afraid for my life.
Jeff Dunham: [to Peanut] So where'd you take him?
Peanut: Taco Bell!

Jeff Dunham: I'm a single father now. But I always try and look for the silver lining in the dark clouds. And one of the silver linings about getting divorced is, I get to pick out my own house, because someone has the other house now.

Peanut: [about Little Jeff] He said he was sad.
Jeff Dunham: I heard him.
Peanut: Why are you sad, Assjeff?
Little Jeff: Because I'm a loser.
Peanut: Yeah, that is sad.
José Jalapeño on a Stick: [from inside the box] And he's ugly.
Little Jeff: And I'm ugly.
Peanut: [to José] Thank you.
José Jalapeño on a Stick: It's okay.
Jeff Dunham: Will you stop this?

Jeff Dunham: [to Achmed] So look, Walter and I were talking earlier, and that you've gotten pretty famous lately now, haven't you?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Oh, yes. And I think very soon, I'm going to need my own posse. That's with an O. Poooooosse. P-P-Pooo-o-o-ooosse. Posse.
Jeff Dunham: Why are you explaining that?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: In Amsterdam, they thought I said something else. I don't even like cats.

[opening lines]
Jeff Dunham: I can't believe the show starts in half an hour, and Achmed's late.
Walter: Maybe he drowned trying to visit Bin Laden's grave.
[laughs]

Jeff Dunham: You know, Vegas has become a great vacation spot for families.
Walter: Oh yeah, sure. Yeah. That makes sense, take the family to Vegas.
Jeff Dunham: Yeah.
Walter: 'Cause kids love whores.
[mimicking a child]
Walter: "Look, mommy! There's a place with poles, like where you used to work."

Jeff Dunham: [about to bring out Little Jeff] He's in the box?
Peanut: Yep, right next to José.
Jeff Dunham: Can I get him out?
Peanut: Yeah.
José Jalapeño on a Stick: [inside the box] Don't touch my stick.
[Jeff reaches his hand into the box]
Peanut: [shouting] CAREFUL!
[startled, Jeff looks at Peanut]
Jeff Dunham: What?
Peanut: [whispering in Jeff's ear] He's really ugly.
José Jalapeño on a Stick: He is ugly, señor.
Peanut: He is nasty-looking!
José Jalapeño on a Stick: He's so scary, I wet my stick.

Jeff Dunham: [holding up Little Jeff] I thought you said he was ugly.
Peanut: [amused] He is!
Jeff Dunham: He looks a little like me.
Peanut: No, he looks A LOT like you!
[the audience is laughing throughout]
Jeff Dunham: This isn't funny.
Peanut: Then why is everyone else laughing?
[nods]
José Jalapeño on a Stick: [from inside the box] I laughed, too, señor. I laughed so hard, I cracked my stick.

Jeff Dunham: I also had an unusual hobby. I became a licensed helicopter pilot. But I built and was flying my own full-sized, real, two-seat helicopter. Now, you would think this someone who is smart enough to build and fly their own helicopter could maybe pick out a decent pair of shorts.
[gestures toward an old photograph of himself standing next to a helicopter near a cornfield, wearing a blue t-shirt and a pair of short red shorts; the audience cheers]
Jeff Dunham: Thank you. Oh, no, it's "Thank God the corn was high enough that nobody on the freeway could see me," that's all I can say.

Achmed the Dead Terrorist: When Bin Laden died...
Jeff Dunham: Yeah?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: ...there were no 72 virgins waiting for him. No, it was some kind of misunderstanding. Turned out it was one 72-year-old virgin. Osama is stuck forever with Bea Arthur! And Osama and I agree that that 72-virgin thing is overrated.
Jeff Dunham: How's that?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Who wants to hear this 72 times? "Ooh! Ow! Oh, boo-hoo-hoo! You're gonna call me, right?"

Jeff Dunham: [talking into walkie-talkie] Security?
Bubba J: [standing at the entrance dressed as a security guard, into walkie-talkie] That's my name, don't wear it out.
Jeff Dunham: Bubba J?
Bubba J: Yeah, well, gotta go. Beer break.
Jeff Dunham: Wait, Achmed's late. Keep an eye out for him.
Bubba J: Which eye?

Walter: [about Achmed] I'm getting sick of that guy. I think all this fame has gone to his head.
Jeff Dunham: Why?
Walter: He's been doing all the typical Hollywood stuff.
Jeff Dunham: Like what?
Walter: He's been dating a goat half his age. Oh yeah, an actual goat! Even got her fake teats! Oh yeah, all six of 'em.
Jeff Dunham: Walter, a goat only has two.
Walter: How sick is it that you actually know that? What, are you so lonely now you're checking out barnyard animals? You know, they're called petting zoos, not heavy petting zoos. Come on, what's her name?
[mimics bleating]
Walter: Ma-a-a-a-argret?
Jeff Dunham: Will you...? Can we change the subject?
Walter: [bleating] Su-u-ure.

Jeff Dunham: [to Achmed about Bin Laden] Well, since he's dead, do you think they're gonna come after you now?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: [laughs, then looks puzzled] Wait, what?
Jeff Dunham: Well, you're a terrorist.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Yeah, but I suck at it.
Jeff Dunham: You know, the military has the deck of cards of the 52 most wanted terrorists. Are you one of those?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Yeah, but I'm in the go fish deck.

Peanut: [Little Jeff said he was sad and ugly] That's a shame, Little Ugly Assjeff.
Little Jeff: I have no idea how I made it this far in life.
Peanut: Me neither.
José Jalapeño on a Stick: [from inside the box] No one does.
Little Jeff: I suck.
Jeff Dunham: All right!

Jeff Dunham: [annoyed by Peanut's "Taste of China" bit] Now, Peanut, you've been doing this bit for a few weeks now, and I've been a little bit worried about it.
Peanut: Why?
Jeff Dunham: Because I didn't know if it was pushing the racism thing too far, and my fears actually came true this afternoon.
Peanut: What?
Jeff Dunham: Right before the show started, we actually got an email. This was from a guy that was from one of our shows a couple of weeks ago. The guy's obviously of Asian descent. He saw the whole show, including the "Taste of China" bit. He was offended, and the guy actually took the time to write an email to complain. And I know that when one person takes the time to write an email like this, there's usually a bunch of other people who feel the same and don't take the time. I feel bad about this. I want to make it right to this guy. I would like for you to read his email, and we're gonna send him the DVD.
Peanut: Well, thanks for bringing our show to a grinding, freaking halt!

Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Do you know what that idiot Peanut did to me?
Jeff Dunham: What?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: He stole my ShamWow!

Walter: [Jeff is divorced] So that's it, huh?
Jeff Dunham: That's what?
Walter: All those years of being married, and now it's over.
Jeff Dunham: Yeah.
Walter: So, all those years of raising the girls, and now the family's broken up.
Jeff Dunham: Right.
Walter: So, no more marriage?
Jeff Dunham: No.
Walter: No more wife?
Jeff Dunham: No.
Walter: What's it like?
[pause]
Walter: Oh, please let me live vicariously through you!

Jeff Dunham: Walter, divorce is not a good thing.
Walter: Oh, you can't lie to me, asshole!

Peanut: If this comedy business doesn't work out for you...
Jeff Dunham: Yeah?
Peanut: You can be a crime fighter!
Jeff Dunham: A crime fighter?
Peanut: Yes! You can be Dunham-man! With José, your trusty side-stick!
[cackles]
Jeff Dunham: So you're saying I would be a superhero.
Peanut: Mmm, ish.

Achmed the Dead Terrorist: [making the P sound in "posse" repeatedly] How am I doing that with no lips?
[the audience laughs and applauds]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: That's what she said.
[cackles]
Jeff Dunham: I can't believe you did that.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: That's what SHE said!
Jeff Dunham: Will you stop this?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: [higher pitch] THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!
Jeff Dunham: I don't like this.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: [VERY high pitch] THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!
Jeff Dunham: How long is this?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: [screeching] THATSWHATSHESAID!
[the audience applauds again; long pause as Jeff and Achmed stare at each other]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Think about it...
Jeff Dunham: So, you were talking to Walter earlier.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: [suddenly angry] Damn it!

Achmed the Dead Terrorist: I have nothing in common with my own son!
Jeff Dunham: Well, just talk to him.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: How?
Jeff Dunham: I don't know, like you would anybody.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Okay.
[to Achmed Jr]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: WTF? OMG! I mean, OMA!

Peanut: [to Little Jeff] Maybe you can make up for your lose-iness by having a good personality.
Little Jeff: No.
Peanut: Doubtful?
José Jalapeño on a Stick: [from inside the box] No way.
Peanut: I'm sorry.
Little Jeff: Me, too.
Jeff Dunham: Okay, look!

Jeff Dunham: [to Walter] Do you want to be in a good mood?
Walter: Not if I'd look like a moron like you, no, thank you. I've seen you walk by perfect strangers and go, "Oh, hello, how are you? Hoo-hoo-hoo!"
Jeff Dunham: So?
Walter: That makes mothers hide their children from you.

Jeff Dunham: [to Walter] You don't think I should be nice to strangers?
Walter: You know, even dogs sniff assholes first.

Peanut: [reading the Asian man's irate email] "Dear Peanut, hello."
[pronounces it "herro"; Jeff looks at Peanut sternly]
Jeff Dunham: [to the cheering audience] I'm sor...
[looks back at Peanut again, looking exasperated]
Peanut: Oh, now how could I pass that up? You threw a slow ball down the middle of the plate. I had to fucking swing!

Jeff Dunham: For the folks who might not know, Achmed, you are a suicide bomber.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: [singsong voice] Yes, I am. Don't stand too close...!
[laughs evilly]

José Jalapeño on a Stick: So we're a crimefighting team?
Peanut: Yes!
Jeff Dunham: What kind of crime do we fight?
Peanut: Illegal aliens.
José Jalapeño on a Stick: I think there's a conflict of interest.
Peanut: Look, so you're fighting illegals, whack 'em on the head with José, and every time José hits someone, he yells...
José Jalapeño on a Stick: Olé.
Peanut: Yes! Pretty cool, huh?
Jeff Dunham: I guess so.

Jeff Dunham: Walter, have you ever thought about being happy?
Walter: Yeah.
Jeff Dunham: What happened?
Walter: Pissed me off.
Jeff Dunham: What would happen if you were happy?
Walter: Your show would suck.

Jeff Dunham: [referring to Bin Laden] So, where exactly is he?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Well, he won't say, but I'm pretty sure it's hell.
Jeff Dunham: Why do you say that?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Well, they get cable, but they only get one channel.
Jeff Dunham: What?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: The Oprah Winfrey Network.
Jeff Dunham: Wait a minute. Come on, Achmed, a lot of people love Oprah.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Were you ever on her show?
Jeff Dunham: No.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: She doesn't love you...!

Achmed the Dead Terrorist: My father was a suicide bomber.
Jeff Dunham: So you guys were a lot alike?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Well, I have his eyes. In a box! And I like to hide them wherever Walter is sleeping. That way, when Walter wakes up, it scares the crap out of him.
Walter: [from inside the box] You son of a bitch, I'll kick your ass right now! I'll show you!
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Is that case locked from the outside?
Jeff Dunham: Yeah, why?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: 'Cause he still scares the crap out of me!

[Peanut is reading the Asian man's irate email in an Asian-sounding voice, much to Jeff's annoyance]
Jeff Dunham: I'm trying to do the right thing here.
Peanut: I'm not!
Jeff Dunham: You know, we have folks of Asian descent here this evening.
Peanut: [Asian voice] Oh, so sorry.
Jeff Dunham: WILL YOU STOP IT!

Walter: [Jeff is divorced] So what happened?
Jeff Dunham: What happened, Walter, is that, unfortunately, in our country these days, more than fifty percent of marriages now end in divorce, and sadly, mine was on that side of things.
Walter: You know, Jeff, I never thought I'd say this to you, but...
[sniffs; voice wavers]
Walter: ... you're my hero!

[last lines]
Jeff Dunham: [Peanut, José and Little Jeff are all making fun of Jeff] You guys really think this is funny?
Peanut: Oh yeah
José Jalapeño on a Stick: [from inside the box] Si.
Peanut: Definitely.
Little Jeff: The truth hurts.
Jeff Dunham: Okay. I tell you what, Peanut, you think that's funny?
[reaches into box]
Jeff Dunham: I have something here that you're gonna like.
Peanut: What?
Jeff Dunham: Just trust me. You're gonna love this.
[pulls out a small hand puppet version of Peanut; the real Peanut looks shocked]
Little Jeff: What the fuck is that?
[audience laughs]
Little Peanut: Hi, look at me! I'm a little idiot!
[cackles]
Peanut: That is not funny!
Little Peanut: Yes, it is!
Peanut: No, it's not!
Jeff Dunham: I think it is.
José Jalapeño on a Stick: Me, too.
Little Jeff: L-O-L.
Peanut: [to Little Jeff] Shut up!
Jeff Dunham: [to audience] You guys have been awesome. Thank you! Good night!

Jeff Dunham: [to Achmed about his son, Achmed Jr] How do you not know who his mother is?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: [scoffs] I had 46 wives, you idiot. They all dressed the same and their faces were covered.
Jeff Dunham: How did you tell them apart?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: The numbers on their backs.
Jeff Dunham: That's terrible!
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: I know. Mother's Day is a bitch! And so are most of the mothers!
Achmed Jr.: That's not funny at all.
[sounds like "ataal"]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Ataal? Who is Ataal? Was she your mother? I don't remember a woman who was all bulgy-eyed like you!
Jeff Dunham: Bulgy-eyed?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Well, look at him!
Achmed Jr.: Well, you're not exactly squinting!
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: At least my face is balanced! You manage to look asleep and terrified all at the same time!

Jeff Dunham: [to Achmed] There were never any girls at your school?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: No, but for some reason, we had a girls' restroom.
Jeff Dunham: I see.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: And one day, Omar and I snuck in there to explore.
Jeff Dunham: The girls' restroom?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Uh-huh.
Jeff Dunham: And what did you find?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: A couple of strange and wonderful things.
Jeff Dunham: Like what?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Well, we found a machine. And if you put two shekels in it, a small missile would come out!
Jeff Dunham: A missile?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Well, I think it was. It had a little white fuse. And it must've been a very special missile, because it was lightly scented. And then you could put two shekels in the other machine and get the bonus accuracy package.
Jeff Dunham: What?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: It had WINGS!

Achmed the Dead Terrorist: [to Achmed Jr] Listen, you!
Jeff Dunham: Achmed, you're getting hostile!
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Of course I'm getting hostile! I'm a terrorist, you idiot! You piss me off, I kill you!
Achmed Jr.: Would that really solve anything?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Pretty much, yeah, I think it does.

Walter: Then we went to Ireland. I got all confused there.
Jeff Dunham: Why?
Walter: Everybody's last name starts with "O": O'Malley, O'Shay... I think I know a black Irish guy.
Jeff Dunham: Who's that?
Walter: O'Bama.
Jeff Dunham: I don't think Obama's Irish.
Walter: Maybe he's half-Irish, half-African-American. I can't wait to meet him. I'm gonna walk up to him and go, "Hey, top of the mornin' to ya there, dawg. How's your health care hangin', yo, yo? Hey, that last election was a bee-yotch!"

Jeff Dunham: [to Peanut, who is talking like an Asian] It's not right.
Peanut: What?
Jeff Dunham: It's not right.
Peanut: What?
Jeff Dunham: It's not right.
Peanut: It's snot right? Everybody heard you; you said "Snot". You might as well have gone, "It's...
[sniffs]
Peanut: ... right."

Jeff Dunham: So Achmed, do you have any good memories of your father?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Uh, for my eighth birthday, he got me a puppy.
Jeff Dunham: That's good.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: No, it turned into a disaster.
Jeff Dunham: Why?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Because sometimes my father was a very confused man, and that day, my mother told him to go outside and blow up some party balloons.
Jeff Dunham: Yeah?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: And that's how I got a dog with no legs.

Jeff Dunham: So Achmed, do you know why A.J. is here?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Well, I... Wait a minute. This isn't some crap about owing child support, is it? That bitch!... Whichever one she was.
Jeff Dunham: No, that's not it.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: This is bad, because I've seen the crap that you're going through, and I don't know how you can even afford a t-shirt.
Jeff Dunham: Thank you.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: [softly] Did I say that just how you wrote it?
Jeff Dunham: Yes, thank you.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Okay. Good luck with the judge. I hope he's fair.
Jeff Dunham: Actually, the judge is a woman.
Achmed Jr.: You're fucked.

Walter: There are those little idiot dogs who, when they see anyone, they jump all around and then pee on themselves. You ever felt like doing that?
Jeff Dunham: It's not gonna happen.
Walter: Well, you might not jump all around, but when you get my age, you'll piss on yourself.

Jeff Dunham: Good evening, José.
José Jalapeño on a Stick: Hola, Señor Jeff.
[pronounces it "Heff"]
Jeff Dunham: How are...
[stammers]
Jeff Dunham: Whoops.
Peanut: What the hell was that? Were you trying to say, "How are you?" and it came out "Huh-huh-huh-huh"? Why is that we speak perfectly and you fuck up?

Jeff Dunham: [about Achmed's dog with no legs] What did you call him?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: [stares at Jeff] Seriously?
[pause]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Seriously?
Jeff Dunham: What?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: I had a dog with no legs.
Jeff Dunham: What did you call him?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Seriously? Okay, you're a comedian, right?
Jeff Dunham: Yeah.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: [slowly] I had a dog... with no legs.
[threateningly]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Ask me again...
[Jeff stares at Achmed; they both raise their eyebrows at each other, open their mouths briefly without speaking and move their eyes back and forth between them and the audience]
Jeff Dunham: What did you call him?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: I didn't call him anything because he could never come.
[the audience laughs]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: It's not funny!
Jeff Dunham: Achmed, that's, like, the oldest joke ever.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Yes, but in my case, it was true.

Jeff Dunham: [to Achmed about Achmed Jr] You have no idea why he's here?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: To start his training as a terrorist.
Achmed Jr.: No, father, that's just it. I don't want to be a terrorist.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: But I want you to be just like me.
Achmed Jr.: Well, I'm not, and I won't be.
Jeff Dunham: Achmed, can you accept that?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: I guess I can try.
Jeff Dunham: And A.J., what if he doesn't accept it?
Achmed Jr.: I kill you.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: That's my boy!