Brooke Alvarez
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Quotes for
Brooke Alvarez (Character)
from "The Onion News Network" (2011)

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"The Onion News Network: Asteroid Heads to Earth (#2.1)" (2011)
Brooke Alvarez: You know, ever since I was a young girl, I've dreamed of reporting on the end of the world, and honestly, it's exhilarating

Brooke Alvarez: Oh, just think, while there have been several Tucker Hopes before you, you're going to be the last. Not to shabby?
Tucker Hope: [depressed] There's no where I'd rather be than right here in the studio in my final moments alive.
Brooke Alvarez: I admire your professionalism.

Brooke Alvarez: My only regret is that I didn't retain the rights to the song "Life is a Highway," which I wrote, but was stolen from me by a jealous ex-boyfriend.


"The Onion News Network: Fifth Anniversary (#1.4)" (2011)
Brooke Alvarez: We're celebrating our fifth anniversary this week, and we couldn't have done it without all of you at home on your couches, sitting in silence, absorbing everything I say, navigating your lives around the information I feed you. I'd say thank you, but, really, you're the ones who should be thanking me.

Brooke Alvarez: Well, as long as our entire system of government is now null and void, I may as well take this opportunity to suggest myself as a possible future leader to rally around. Allow me to state my case: with my vast breadth of knowledge and undeniable charisma, I believe I'd make a skilled and effective commander on the Post-American state. Say goodbye to the cowardice and indecision of the past, with Brooke Alvarez in charge, hunger, fear, and weakness would be but a distant memory.


"The Onion News Network: The Real Obama (#1.7)" (2011)
Brooke Alvarez: Our top story tonight: Congress has just passed a bill naming incomprehensible shouting the official language of the United States.

Brooke Alvarez: You know, Tucker was just chosen to co-host the Teen Choice Awards with Jaden Smith.
Tucker Hope: Yep, that should be a lot of fun. I'm honored to have been chosen.
Brooke Alvarez: Why, exactly, were you chosen Tucker? You didn't go to high school; I mean, you were home schooled, right?
Tucker Hope: Well, it must've been all my work...
Brooke Alvarez: Okay Tuck.