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: Nick, your girlfriend said she's not a dessert person!
: Alright, so, so far, Nick Miller's list of fears is sharks, tap water, real relationships. Nick
: And blueberries.
: I'm gonna cry, too, and where am I supposed to cry? You can't monopolize the... bathroom crying space.
: I find it fundamentally strange that you're not a dessert person... it freaks me out!
[Nick suddenly realizes Jess' doctor is an OB-GYN
: I don't have a vagina. Sweet Older Woman
: You can have mine. Jess
: I heard that, sistah. Sweet Older Woman
: True dat.
: How many ears did Daniel Boone have? He had a left ear, a right ear, and a
[She and Nick both chuckle
: Frontier. Get it? Nick
: You don't get to speak at my funeral.
: I couldn't stop you from inviting Jax to the party, but I can stop it from going any further. I will not lose Jax as a friend, okay? I might not have any game, but oh my goodness, can I take game away. Jess
: I'm getting that mouth on my mouth, and don't you try to stop me, you... Winston Bishop
: Look, clearly I have the upper hand when it comes to Jax. Jess
: Do you? Winston Bishop
: Oh, I do, because I know all about sports. Jess, you know nothing about sports. Jess
: Oh, what am I going to do? I guess I'll just have to use my eyes, hair, boobs, legs, and adorable personality.
: Fool. Winston Bishop
: I got like three of those things.
: Um, I'd like to report that a missing item. My heart. It was stolen by that little heart thief right there.
[points to Jess
: I'm... I'm innocent. I didn't... I was framed. Jax McTavish
: I just want to say in front of God and all these people at this gorgeous party that I'm in love with you. Jess
: Mmm. no... Nah. Jax McTavish
: And I know it's early, but I think I met the girl that I'm gonna marry. Jess
: Wh-who? Jax McTavish
: I'm gonna marry you! Jess
: We are not on the same page. Jax McTavish
: I'm gonna marry you. I'm gonna put a baby in you. We're gonna have dogs and cats. I met my third wife!
[party guests applaud and cheer
: No, I mean you're like aging ballerina, child chess prodigy, professional magician crazy.
: You always see the worst in people. Nick Miller
: Yeah, because people are the worst.
: He's so soft as a towel.
: In the meantime, everyone just stay calm. I don't think the badger is actually rabid. He's just kind of a dick.
: I'll be, like, your guide. Jessica Day
: Like Gandalf... through Middle Earth? Schmidt
: Probably not like... okay... first off let's take the Lord of the Rings references and put them in a deep, dark cave where no one's going to find them. Jessica Day
: Except Sméagol...
] Jessica Day
: He lives in a cave.
: [Jess is trying to think anything but sex with Nick, but Nick's shopping list at the hardware store isn't helping...
] Long-shafted... drive drill?
: New nut... wrench? Nick Miller
: [Jess isn't even listening to Nick
] Our old one was bad. Jess
: Quick hardening... caulk? Nick Miller
: I've been waiting forever for that caulk to harden. Jess
: Lube for... drill shaft? Nick Miller
: Can we also get a box of gummy sharks?
: The Batmobile doesn't have this many buttons!