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Quotes for
Jess (Character)
from "New Girl" (2011)

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"New Girl: Jess & Julia (#1.11)" (2012)
Jess: Nick, your girlfriend said she's not a dessert person!

Jess: Alright, so, so far, Nick Miller's list of fears is sharks, tap water, real relationships.
Nick: And blueberries.

Jess: I'm gonna cry, too, and where am I supposed to cry? You can't monopolize the... bathroom crying space.

Jess: I find it fundamentally strange that you're not a dessert person... it freaks me out!


"New Girl: Injured (#1.15)" (2012)
[Nick suddenly realizes Jess' doctor is an OB-GYN]
Nick: I don't have a vagina.
Sweet Older Woman: You can have mine.
Jess: I heard that, sistah.
Sweet Older Woman: True dat.

Jess: How many ears did Daniel Boone have? He had a left ear, a right ear, and a
[suddenly musical]
Jess: Front-ier!
[She and Nick both chuckle]
Jess: Frontier. Get it?
Nick: You don't get to speak at my funeral.


"New Girl: Tinfinity (#2.18)" (2013)
Winston Bishop: I couldn't stop you from inviting Jax to the party, but I can stop it from going any further. I will not lose Jax as a friend, okay? I might not have any game, but oh my goodness, can I take game away.
Jess: I'm getting that mouth on my mouth, and don't you try to stop me, you...
Winston Bishop: Look, clearly I have the upper hand when it comes to Jax.
Jess: Do you?
Winston Bishop: Oh, I do, because I know all about sports. Jess, you know nothing about sports.
Jess: Oh, what am I going to do? I guess I'll just have to use my eyes, hair, boobs, legs, and adorable personality.
[chuckles]
Jess: Fool.
Winston Bishop: I got like three of those things.

Jax McTavish: Um, I'd like to report that a missing item. My heart. It was stolen by that little heart thief right there.
[points to Jess]
Jess: I'm... I'm innocent. I didn't... I was framed.
Jax McTavish: I just want to say in front of God and all these people at this gorgeous party that I'm in love with you.
Jess: Mmm. no... Nah.
Jax McTavish: And I know it's early, but I think I met the girl that I'm gonna marry.
Jess: Wh-who?
Jax McTavish: I'm gonna marry you!
Jess: We are not on the same page.
Jax McTavish: I'm gonna marry you. I'm gonna put a baby in you. We're gonna have dogs and cats. I met my third wife!
[party guests applaud and cheer]


"New Girl: Control (#1.16)" (2012)
Jess: No, I mean you're like aging ballerina, child chess prodigy, professional magician crazy.


"New Girl: The Landlord (#1.12)" (2012)
Jess: You always see the worst in people.
Nick Miller: Yeah, because people are the worst.


"New Girl: Wedding (#1.3)" (2011)
Jess Day: He's so soft as a towel.


"New Girl: Elaine's Big Day (#2.25)" (2013)
Jess: In the meantime, everyone just stay calm. I don't think the badger is actually rabid. He's just kind of a dick.


"New Girl: Pilot (#1.1)" (2011)
[from trailer]
Schmidt: I'll be, like, your guide.
Jessica Day: Like Gandalf... through Middle Earth?
Schmidt: Probably not like... okay... first off let's take the Lord of the Rings references and put them in a deep, dark cave where no one's going to find them.
Jessica Day: Except Sméagol...
[whispers]
Jessica Day: He lives in a cave.


"New Girl: Quick Hardening Caulk (#2.19)" (2013)
Jess: [Jess is trying to think anything but sex with Nick, but Nick's shopping list at the hardware store isn't helping... ] Long-shafted... drive drill?
[pause]
Jess: New nut... wrench?
Nick Miller: [Jess isn't even listening to Nick] Our old one was bad.
Jess: Quick hardening... caulk?
Nick Miller: I've been waiting forever for that caulk to harden.
Jess: Lube for... drill shaft?
Nick Miller: Can we also get a box of gummy sharks?


"New Girl: Tomatoes (#1.22)" (2012)
Jess: The Batmobile doesn't have this many buttons!