Bertram
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Quotes for
Bertram (Character)
from "Jessie" (2011)

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"Jessie: Christmas Story (#1.8)" (2011)
Bertram: I'll be wearing it when I frolic through the crystal blue waters of Mexico!
Luke Ross: And here's my impression of the fish when he does
[Screams dramatically]


"Jessie: Toy Con (#2.12)" (2013)
[Emma has offered to hook Bertram up with a girl he has a crush on]
Bertram: Oh, absolutely not.
Emma Ross: But aren't you tired of spending your nights polishing your nesting dolls with your tears?
Bertram: Yes, but there's no way I'm going to let you two meddle in my personal life.
[walks away]
Emma Ross: Okay.
[to Luke]
Emma Ross: Just so we're clear, we *are* going to meddle, right?
Luke Ross: Like Michael Phelps in the Olympics.


"Jessie: The Whining (#2.1)" (2012)
Jessie Prescott: [Bertram has just entered the room, dressed as a werewolf, while she was trying to write her scary story. Bertram howls like a wolf, but she's not buying it] Bertram, quit trying to scare me with your teddy bear costume!
Bertram: [through costume] I'm not a teddy bear! I'm a werewolf!
[takes werewolf mask off]
Bertram: Werewolves used to be scary! I blame Taylor Lautner.
Jessie Prescott: Bertram, quit the whining! And don't *ever* speak ill of Tay-Laut!
Bertram: How come I'm not scary anymore? Maybe I should put on spooky zombie makeup like you.
Jessie Prescott: I'm not wearing any zombie makeup!
Bertram: [shrieks] That's your face?
[gives up and tosses the mask]
Bertram: I can't compete with that, I give up on Halloween.


"Jessie: Why Do Foils Fall in Love (#2.14)" (2013)
Jessie Prescott: [Jessie realises that her angry song about Tony has gone viral on Emma's "Kitty Couture" blog and is surprised] I'm just like Taylor Swift!
Bertram: Except for the money, sequins, awards, talent!


"Jessie: G.I. Jessie (#2.26)" (2013)
Bertram: I never thought of anyone coming back for seconds of *your* gruel!
Corporal Cookie: [groans] I don't get it! What does your food have that mine doesn't?
Bertram: Hmm, flavour, texture, fewer fingernails.
Jessie Prescott: [coming to the kitchen, upset] I need 3 gallons of Neapolitan and a weapons grade spoon!
Bertram: Sorry, tonight's dessert is mini fruit compote.
Jessie Prescott: That'll do!
[Jessie takes one of the trays of compote and starts stuffing her face, and sits on one of the large food tins]
Jessie Prescott: You're not gonna believe what's going on!
Bertram: I'm not gonna care either, I'm busy!
Jessie Prescott: I came here to smooth things over with my dad, but all he seems to care about is if I connect with *Darla*! When all I wanna do is connect her face to a hornet's nest.
Bertram: [sees Corporal Cookie ladle the chicken with sauce] NO!
Jessie Prescott: I'm not actually gonna do it! It wouldn't be fair to the hornets.
Bertram: I meant, no, don't *drown* my chicken in sauce, *drizzle* it!
Corporal Cookie: Oh, you mean like this?
[she flicks sauce on Bertram and it lands on Jessie's shoes]
Jessie Prescott: Hey! You spilled that on my fake designer shoes! You owe me 20 bucks! Plus shipping.
[she stuffs the rest of the compote in her mouth]
Corporal Cookie: Does this one ever stop yakking about her problems?
Bertram: No. Just wait til she starts in about her ex-boyfriends!
Corporal Cookie: She's single? I'm *shocked*!
[Bertram and Corporal Cookie laugh loudly to themselves]
Jessie Prescott: [sarcastically] Thanks for the sympathy.
[stuffs another compote in her mouth]
Bertram: Hey, take it easy! I only made 3,000 of those!
[tries to take the tray away from Jessie, but Jessie pulls it away]