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Quotes for
Achmed Jr. (Character)
from Jeff Dunham: Controlled Chaos (2011) (TV)

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Jeff Dunham: Controlled Chaos (2011) (TV)
Jeff Dunham: Wait a minute. You communicate with Osama?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Of course.
Jeff Dunham: How?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: On Face-shot-off-Book.

Achmed the Dead Terrorist: SILENCE!
[audience applauds; impressed]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Wait for it...
[long pause]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: I KILL YOU!

Jeff Dunham: I think a lot of us might like to know how you feel about the death of Osama.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: [gasp] I didn't do it!

[Achmed is pantomiming getting shot with a bow and arrow]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Okay, I'm done. I can sit up now.
Jeff Dunham: [laughing] Actually, you can't.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: What?
Jeff Dunham: [still laughing] Your ribs are caught on your spine.

Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Knock knock.
Jeff Dunham: Who's there?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Me, I kill you again!
[laughs]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: You're such an idiot! You keep answering the door! Where I am from, the game we teach our children is when someone says "Knock knock", you shut the fuck up and hide.
[laughter]

Achmed the Dead Terrorist: [seeing Achmed Jr] Who the hell is that?
Achmed Jr.: Hello, father.

Jeff Dunham: So, Achmed, are you enjoying Richmond?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Oh, I love the nightlife here.
Jeff Dunham: What part of the nightlife?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: They have live sex shows.
Jeff Dunham: Really? Where?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: In the hotel room right next to mine.
[the audience laughs; Jeff and Achmed look perplexedly out at the audience and then at each other]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: What?
Jeff Dunham: That's my room.
[the audience laughs and cheers]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Next time, you should get a partner.

[Referring to the death of Bin Laden]
Jeff Dunham: Well, what did you think about them burying him at sea?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: I think it's cool that he could end up anywhere!
Jeff Dunham: What do you mean?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: That is one episode of "Spongebob" I gotta see!

Jeff Dunham: [to Achmed, about to bring out his son] What I want you to do is to just...
[points to his right]
Jeff Dunham: ... look over there while I'm getting him out so you won't peek.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Okay.
Jeff Dunham: Just look over there.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Hey, wait a minute. When I'm not looking, are you going to kill me?
Jeff Dunham: No.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: That's actually a good way of doing it, you know. Kind of old school, but effective.

Jeff Dunham: Achmed, since you're clearly a terrorist, are you Muslim?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: No! Scientologist.
Jeff Dunham: But you used to be Muslim.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: No, look at me! I'm too extreme! I was Catholic.
Jeff Dunham: Really?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: A Methodist.
Jeff Dunham: What?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Buddhist.
Jeff Dunham: What?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: A Baptist.
Jeff Dunham: What?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: A Capricorn.
Jeff Dunham: Wait a minute! What are you doing?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: I'm trying to offend as many infidels as possible.
[laughs evilly]

Jeff Dunham: [to Achmed] It's your son, Achmed Jr.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: A.J.?
Achmed Jr.: That's right.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Wait, I thought you were dead.
Achmed Jr.: Surprise.

Achmed the Dead Terrorist: [to Achmed Jr] Hey, what happened to your face?
[pause]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Oh, yeah. My bad.

Jeff Dunham: So you know where we are?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Yes, South Africa!
[Jeff stares and shakes his head]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: No?
[Jeff shakes his head again]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: But Walter said if they're all white, it's South Africa.
Jeff Dunham: No, we're back in the United States.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Oh, are they pissed?
Jeff Dunham: About what in particular?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Well, you know, I kinda look like a...
Jeff Dunham: Oh, yeah.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Yeah. A cab driver.

Jeff Dunham: [to Achmed] So look, Walter and I were talking earlier, and that you've gotten pretty famous lately now, haven't you?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Oh, yes. And I think very soon, I'm going to need my own posse. That's with an O. Poooooosse. P-P-Pooo-o-o-ooosse. Posse.
Jeff Dunham: Why are you explaining that?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: In Amsterdam, they thought I said something else. I don't even like cats.

Achmed the Dead Terrorist: When Bin Laden died...
Jeff Dunham: Yeah?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: ...there were no 72 virgins waiting for him. No, it was some kind of misunderstanding. Turned out it was one 72-year-old virgin. Osama is stuck forever with Bea Arthur! And Osama and I agree that that 72-virgin thing is overrated.
Jeff Dunham: How's that?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Who wants to hear this 72 times? "Ooh! Ow! Oh, boo-hoo-hoo! You're gonna call me, right?"

Jeff Dunham: [to Achmed about Bin Laden] Well, since he's dead, do you think they're gonna come after you now?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: [laughs, then looks puzzled] Wait, what?
Jeff Dunham: Well, you're a terrorist.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Yeah, but I suck at it.
Jeff Dunham: You know, the military has the deck of cards of the 52 most wanted terrorists. Are you one of those?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Yeah, but I'm in the go fish deck.

Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Do you know what that idiot Peanut did to me?
Jeff Dunham: What?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: He stole my ShamWow!

Achmed the Dead Terrorist: [making the P sound in "posse" repeatedly] How am I doing that with no lips?
[the audience laughs and applauds]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: That's what she said.
[cackles]
Jeff Dunham: I can't believe you did that.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: That's what SHE said!
Jeff Dunham: Will you stop this?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: [higher pitch] THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!
Jeff Dunham: I don't like this.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: [VERY high pitch] THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!
Jeff Dunham: How long is this?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: [screeching] THATSWHATSHESAID!
[the audience applauds again; long pause as Jeff and Achmed stare at each other]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Think about it...
Jeff Dunham: So, you were talking to Walter earlier.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: [suddenly angry] Damn it!

Achmed the Dead Terrorist: I have nothing in common with my own son!
Jeff Dunham: Well, just talk to him.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: How?
Jeff Dunham: I don't know, like you would anybody.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Okay.
[to Achmed Jr]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: WTF? OMG! I mean, OMA!

Jeff Dunham: For the folks who might not know, Achmed, you are a suicide bomber.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: [singsong voice] Yes, I am. Don't stand too close...!
[laughs evilly]

Jeff Dunham: [referring to Bin Laden] So, where exactly is he?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Well, he won't say, but I'm pretty sure it's hell.
Jeff Dunham: Why do you say that?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Well, they get cable, but they only get one channel.
Jeff Dunham: What?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: The Oprah Winfrey Network.
Jeff Dunham: Wait a minute. Come on, Achmed, a lot of people love Oprah.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Were you ever on her show?
Jeff Dunham: No.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: She doesn't love you...!

Achmed the Dead Terrorist: My father was a suicide bomber.
Jeff Dunham: So you guys were a lot alike?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Well, I have his eyes. In a box! And I like to hide them wherever Walter is sleeping. That way, when Walter wakes up, it scares the crap out of him.
Walter: [from inside the box] You son of a bitch, I'll kick your ass right now! I'll show you!
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Is that case locked from the outside?
Jeff Dunham: Yeah, why?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: 'Cause he still scares the crap out of me!

Jeff Dunham: [to Achmed about his son, Achmed Jr] How do you not know who his mother is?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: [scoffs] I had 46 wives, you idiot. They all dressed the same and their faces were covered.
Jeff Dunham: How did you tell them apart?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: The numbers on their backs.
Jeff Dunham: That's terrible!
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: I know. Mother's Day is a bitch! And so are most of the mothers!
Achmed Jr.: That's not funny at all.
[sounds like "ataal"]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Ataal? Who is Ataal? Was she your mother? I don't remember a woman who was all bulgy-eyed like you!
Jeff Dunham: Bulgy-eyed?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Well, look at him!
Achmed Jr.: Well, you're not exactly squinting!
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: At least my face is balanced! You manage to look asleep and terrified all at the same time!

Jeff Dunham: [to Achmed] There were never any girls at your school?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: No, but for some reason, we had a girls' restroom.
Jeff Dunham: I see.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: And one day, Omar and I snuck in there to explore.
Jeff Dunham: The girls' restroom?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Uh-huh.
Jeff Dunham: And what did you find?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: A couple of strange and wonderful things.
Jeff Dunham: Like what?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Well, we found a machine. And if you put two shekels in it, a small missile would come out!
Jeff Dunham: A missile?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Well, I think it was. It had a little white fuse. And it must've been a very special missile, because it was lightly scented. And then you could put two shekels in the other machine and get the bonus accuracy package.
Jeff Dunham: What?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: It had WINGS!

Achmed the Dead Terrorist: [to Achmed Jr] Listen, you!
Jeff Dunham: Achmed, you're getting hostile!
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Of course I'm getting hostile! I'm a terrorist, you idiot! You piss me off, I kill you!
Achmed Jr.: Would that really solve anything?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Pretty much, yeah, I think it does.

Jeff Dunham: So Achmed, do you have any good memories of your father?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Uh, for my eighth birthday, he got me a puppy.
Jeff Dunham: That's good.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: No, it turned into a disaster.
Jeff Dunham: Why?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Because sometimes my father was a very confused man, and that day, my mother told him to go outside and blow up some party balloons.
Jeff Dunham: Yeah?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: And that's how I got a dog with no legs.

Jeff Dunham: So Achmed, do you know why A.J. is here?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Well, I... Wait a minute. This isn't some crap about owing child support, is it? That bitch!... Whichever one she was.
Jeff Dunham: No, that's not it.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: This is bad, because I've seen the crap that you're going through, and I don't know how you can even afford a t-shirt.
Jeff Dunham: Thank you.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: [softly] Did I say that just how you wrote it?
Jeff Dunham: Yes, thank you.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Okay. Good luck with the judge. I hope he's fair.
Jeff Dunham: Actually, the judge is a woman.
Achmed Jr.: You're fucked.

Jeff Dunham: [about Achmed's dog with no legs] What did you call him?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: [stares at Jeff] Seriously?
[pause]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Seriously?
Jeff Dunham: What?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: I had a dog with no legs.
Jeff Dunham: What did you call him?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Seriously? Okay, you're a comedian, right?
Jeff Dunham: Yeah.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: [slowly] I had a dog... with no legs.
[threateningly]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Ask me again...
[Jeff stares at Achmed; they both raise their eyebrows at each other, open their mouths briefly without speaking and move their eyes back and forth between them and the audience]
Jeff Dunham: What did you call him?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: I didn't call him anything because he could never come.
[the audience laughs]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: It's not funny!
Jeff Dunham: Achmed, that's, like, the oldest joke ever.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Yes, but in my case, it was true.

Jeff Dunham: [to Achmed about Achmed Jr] You have no idea why he's here?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: To start his training as a terrorist.
Achmed Jr.: No, father, that's just it. I don't want to be a terrorist.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: But I want you to be just like me.
Achmed Jr.: Well, I'm not, and I won't be.
Jeff Dunham: Achmed, can you accept that?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: I guess I can try.
Jeff Dunham: And A.J., what if he doesn't accept it?
Achmed Jr.: I kill you.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: That's my boy!

Bubba J: [seeing Achmed pull up in a shiny metallic-orange hot rod with a skull-shaped air-scoop on top of the engine] Whoa-hoh - - is that a HYBRID?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: [irritably] It's the ACHMEDMOBILE, you EEdiot! Just be careful parking it, or I KEEL YOU!
[arrogantly tosses his key-ring in Bubba J's general direction; it sails through the air in slow-motion, then smacks into Bubba J's hat and the side of his head before falling to the pavement]
Bubba J: [in casual happy-go-lucky cheeriness] Didn't hurt.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: [striding away contemptuously] And whatEVER you do, don't touch the RED BUTTON!
Bubba J: [not hearing Achmed's directive properly in his inebriated state, especially since Achmed's back was turned as he was speaking, and then seeing a huge round convex transluscent-red button in the middle of the electronic keyless-entry fob on Achmed's keyring] Got it! Touch the RE-H-H-D button!
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: [not hearing properly himself, either, as he continues to stomp off in a huff, and so he thinks that Bubba J had correctly repeated back his instructions] Yes...
Bubba J: [gleefully and clumsily jams his fat finger down on the red button, causing huge jets of brilliant-orange flame to blast out of the car's windows]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: [hearing the roar of flames and realizing to his sudden consternation that Bubba J has indeed pressed the car's self-destruct button] NO-O-O-O-O-O!
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: [freezes in horror as the entire car erupts in explosive clouds of flying parts and raging fireballs; the detatched skull-scoop sails in a tumbling motion towards the camera, and the title "Controlled Chaos" appears amid the smoke and swirling debris]

Jeff Dunham: [to Achmed about the death of Bin Laden] Did you have something to do with it?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Yes... No! Yes, no, no, no, no! No, that NAVY Seal training was just for laughs.
[laughs nervously]

Achmed the Dead Terrorist: [his leg gets caught on his stand] Marnell! Come fix my leg!
[a stage hand comes out and fixes Achemd's leg]
Achmed Jr.: He's kind of cute.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: [stunned, sharing a look with Jeff] Okay, moving on!

Jeff Dunham: Achmed, he's your son.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Well, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, and apparently this one got run over by a fucking lawn mower.
Achmed Jr.: You caused the accident.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Accident? It was a huge explosion with great fire and destruction.
Achmed Jr.: You didn't mean for it to happen.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: I did, too!
Achmed Jr.: You did not.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Lis...
[his leg gets caught again]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Oh, shit. MARNELL! Son of a bitch!
Achmed Jr.: Are you talking to me now?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: [Marnell fixes his leg again and leaves] Fix it right, or I kick your ass! Marnell! Come back! My arm is stuck in my pelvis, you asshole!
[Marnell fixes everything and leaves again]
Achmed Jr.: He can fix my pelvis anytime.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Shut up!

Jeff Dunham: So, the explosion you were talking about, how did it happen?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Very precise and careful planning.
Achmed Jr.: Not exactly.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: I said shut up!
Jeff Dunham: What happened?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Nothing!
Achmed Jr.: He was putting gasoline in his scooter.
Jeff Dunham: So why was there an explosion?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: [awkward pause] Shit happens.

Achmed Jr.: I'm here for a reason.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: What, a skin graft? Sorry, I'm all out.
[his leg gets caught a third time]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Fuck! MARNELL! COME FIX MY FUCKING LEG! Get duct tape, you asshole!
Jeff Dunham: [Marnell comes out with a roll of duct tape] He actually brought duct tape.
Achmed Jr.: [Marnell fixes and tapes down Achmed's legs] He's kinky, too.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: SHUT UP!

Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Like Santa Claus, I have been making a list of people to kill twice.
Jeff Dunham: Santa doesn't kill people.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: He does if he's Terror Claus!
Jeff Dunham: Terror Claus? I never heard of him.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Ohhhh...
[singing to "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town"]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: He kills when you're sleeping./He chokes you when you wake./He knows if you are Catholic or Jewish,/So renounce your infidel faith!
Jeff Dunham: That's terrible!
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: But catchy!

Bubba J: Hey, Achmed - - the pizza just got delivered!
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: It did? I - -
[suddenly offended at Bubba J's casual interruption of his "important" terrorist's speech]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: SILENCE...!
Bubba J: [in an flippant unconcerned tone of slightly weary derision] Yeah, I know - - you keel me.


Jeff Dunham: Minding the Monsters (2012) (TV)
Jeff Dunham: [to Achmed] So, where you're from, are there female suicide bombers?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: We're pushing for it.
Jeff Dunham: Why?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: It's a lot easier than divorce. Think about it...!

Achmed the Dead Terrorist: I used to be a suicide bomber. Now I'm a suicide bomb*shell*.

Jeff Dunham: [Achmed is dressed like a woman] So, Achmed, why are you dressed like this?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: You told me to dress like the scariest thing I could think of.
Jeff Dunham: What are you?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: I am a woman!
Jeff Dunham: Just a woman?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Worse, an *American* woman!
[laughs evilly]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: SILENCE! Impossible.

[opening lines]
Achmed Jr.: Storm clouds gather, darkness prowls, / The moon shines fully as specters howl. / This scary house, this lonely road, / Revenge is coming, and best served cold. / Revenge on Jeff, who plays with dolls. / Revenge on Walter, who moans and scowls. / Peanut, José, shall know their place, / Like my awful father, who scarred my face. / One by one, they'll learn they're damned / To "Minding the Monsters" with Jeff Dun-HAM!
[laughs evilly to a flash of lightning and a thunderclap]

Jeff Dunham: What's so scary about an American woman?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: They can vote.
Jeff Dunham: Yeah, and they can drive.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Not the Asian ones.
Jeff Dunham: That is incredibly racist.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Yet factually correct.
Jeff Dunham: How do you know?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: I learned it in Cosmo.
Jeff Dunham: Cosmo?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: I took the quiz.
Jeff Dunham: The quiz?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Yes, the quiz: "Are you a racist bitch?"
Jeff Dunham: I see.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: And guess what?
Jeff Dunham: What?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Ta-da!

Jeff Dunham: [to Achmed] So what else scares you about American women?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Besides everything? The money.
Jeff Dunham: The money?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: You marry an American women, and in no time, all your money for bombs is gone! She blows money on shoes, I have no money to blow up the Jews.
[the audience laughs while Jeff stares at Achmed]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Whaaat? I don't mean just the Jews, but it rhymes! "Shoes" and "Jews". I could've said, you know, "slacks" and "blacks". But "Jews" is funnier. And I like black folks. Oh, we white chicks love the black guys!

Jeff Dunham: So, as a skeleton...
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: [gasps] What did you call me?
Jeff Dunham: A skeleton.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Oh, you're just trying to flatter me. I still need to lose ten more pounds.
Jeff Dunham: You're all bones.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: I know! EAT YOUR HEART OUT, ANGELINAAAAA! Seriously, eat something, anything, a fucking sandwich, whatever.

Jeff Dunham: [to Achmed, dressed as a woman] So what size dress is that?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: [gasps] You never ask a woman that! But if you must know, I am now a size zero.
Jeff Dunham: How'd you get down to a size zero?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: My weight loss program, suicide bombing...
Jeff Dunham: What?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: I lost 200 pounds in 0.2 seconds. Now I can eat whatever I want. Seriously, it goes right through me. Give me a cheeseburger and a bucket.

Jeff Dunham: [to Achmed] Do you like scary movies?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Oh, yes. My favorites are "I Know What You Did Last Ramadan", "Dr. Jekyll and Hide or We'll All Be Killed!", but my favorite is "SILENCE! Of the Lambs". And thank God they are silent. Oh, if the lambs could talk...
Jeff Dunham: Achmed, could we please stop with the sheep jokes? There's children watching.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Really?
Jeff Dunham: Right.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Then it's time for the talk.
Jeff Dunham: What?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: When a man and a sheep love each other very much...
Jeff Dunham: Will you stop it?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: That's what the sheep always say. That's why you have to go with a lamb; they're silent.

Jeff Dunham: Achmed...
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: No, no! Achmedina.
Jeff Dunham: Do you dress like this often?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: No, only when I want free drinks.
[looks out at audience]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: AM I RIGHT, LADIES?

Achmed the Dead Terrorist: [to Jeff] Hey! I see you looking at me. What do you think?
Jeff Dunham: Uh, nice hair.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Oh yes, and I promise you, the drapes match the carpets...
[raises and lowers his eyebrows at audience, who cheers softly; he gets annoyed]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: What? I was talking about my beard, you idiots! I don't have carpet carpet.

Achmed the Dead Terrorist: [dressed as a woman] So Jeffrey, do you like my hoochers?
Jeff Dunham: That's, uh, "hooters".
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: You can call them whatever you want. You just have to buy me dinner first.
[Jeff looks at Achmed's dress]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Hey!
[Jeff looks up at Achmed's face]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: My eyes are up here! My hoochers do not talk. But of course, you could make them talk if you wanted to, couldn't you? Hell, you could make my voice come out of my vajayjay if you wanted to. Or as I call it, my terror cave!
[looks out at audience]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: AM I RIGHT, LADIES?

Jeff Dunham: [to Achmed] You look good.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: No, I'm not. I'm bloated. I feel fat. I have cramps. I'm going to cry!
Jeff Dunham: What's wrong?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: I don't know!

Achmed the Dead Terrorist: I think the expression is, "Once you go black, you never go back to white or medium to small animals," something like that.

Jeff Dunham: Look, Achmed, I don't think this costume is that scary.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Oh, really? What if I came to your door? Ding-dong! Remember that night at Applebee's? I'm carrying your child!
Jeff Dunham: Yeah, that would be scary.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: And it's worse for you: when an angry blonde woman comes to your door, she doesn't want candy, she wants half!

Achmed the Dead Terrorist: I've been working on a new weapon.
Jeff Dunham: A new weapon?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Just for female suicide bombers.
Jeff Dunham: What's that?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: A tam-bomb. Just pull the string...
[imitates explosion, then laughs as Jeff holds his head in embarrassment]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: You know that's a good one!

Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Someone told me yesterday I look like a Victoria's Secret model.
Jeff Dunham: Really?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: I know what their secret is.
Jeff Dunham: What?
[Achmed makes a retching sound]

Achmed the Dead Terrorist: It's easy for me to play a woman, because after the explosion, my man-junk was never recovered. I should've worn a cup.
Jeff Dunham: A cup?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: But a good one, like the one Venus Williams wears.

Jeff Dunham: [dressed as a woman, Achmed referred to his "vajayjay" as a "terror cave"] Your carrot cake?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: What? I said "terror cave".
Jeff Dunham: Oh, I thought you said "carrot cake".
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: What the hell? What now, you're looking for my frosting? Okay, but it's sour cream-based!