Insp. Jacques Clouseau
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Quotes for
Insp. Jacques Clouseau (Character)
from The Pink Panther (1963)

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The Pink Panther (2006)
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Without warning, I will attack you. In this way, I will keep you vigilant and alert.
[attacks Ponton, but Ponton hits Clouseau]
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Good one.
Ponton: Thank you.

[repeated line]
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Good one.

Ponton: You never cease to surprise me, sir.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: With me, surprises are rarely unexpected.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Stop browbeating her! Can't you see she is sexy?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I would like to take a closer look at your bawls.
Larocque: My what?
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Your bawls. Your big, brass bawls.
Larocque: Uh, sure.
[starts to unzip pants]
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [Picks up brass bowl on table and examines it]

Nigel Boswell/Agent 006: Boswell. Nigel Boswell. 006. You know what that means?
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Of course! It means you are one away from the big time.

French journalist: Inspector, do you know if the killer was a man or woman?
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Well of course I know that! What else is there? A kitten?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: What? What did you say?
Ponton: Nothing.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: You mean, you didn't just say: Stop the car, dear God, I beg of you, stop the car?

Ponton: [after Xania has invited Clouseau to dinner] It could be a trap.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Who cares?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: A Woman is like an artichoke, you must work hard to get to her heart.

Ponton: He was just found dead in a training facility locker room. Shot in the head.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Was it fatal?
Ponton: Yes.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: How fatal?
Ponton: Um, completely.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I want to talk to him now!

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Is there anyone with you?
Yuri: No.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Are you carrying a pair of high heels in that bag?
Yuri: No.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Not even a small pair of pumps?
Yuri: No.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Who are you?
Yuri: I'm Yuri, the trainer.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: And what is it you do, Yuri the trainer?
Yuri: I train.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: So, you are Yuri the trainer who trains.
Yuri: [looks down]

[repeated line]
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: You are Yuri the trainer who trains.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [asking Ponton about his wife] Tell me about her.
Ponton: I consider her the most beautiful woman in the world.
Ponton: What about yourself?
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: No, I don't consider myself a beautiful woman.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: The good-cop/bad-cop routine is working perfectly.
Ponton: You know, usually two different cops do that.

Nicole: Would you like me to stay behind and help you?
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: That is a generous offer, Nicole. But I am quite sensitive to office gender politics. And in today's world, the slightest gesture can be misinterpreted as harrasment. And it is late, and I would prefer not to put you or me into that delicate situation. Agreed?
Nicole: Yes, I agree.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [gives her a quick kiss on her lips] Well, lets seal it with a kiss. And I'll get back to work.
[slaps her on her butt as she goes out]

[accidentally drops a pill of Viagra into the sink]
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: My miracle pill for the middle-aged man!

[footsteps are heard in the background]
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Shhhh! Footsteps. It's a young woman... 30 to 35 years old... 5'2" ,5'4", brunette. And she is wearing high heels. Perhaps a bit too formal for the afternoon. And she has on... Chanel N°5.
[a male in his forties walks in]
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Is anyone with you?
Yuri: No.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Do you have a pair of high heels in that bag?
Yuri: No.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Not even a small pair of pumps?
Yuri: No.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: You are Yuri the trainer who trains.
Yuri: Yeah, that's right.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I am looking for a dead body. Perhaps you can tell me where it is.
Yuri: Oh, yeah. I heard it was in the locker room. You go down the hall, make a right and two lefts.
[seeing that Clouseau has almost burst into laughter and is trying to control it]
Yuri: You are finding something amusing here?
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I'll be honest with you. I - I find your accent quite funny. Where are you fvam?
Yuri: From Russia. Gluant recruited me from the Russian military gym.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [mocking him] "do-do-do-ba-ba-lo"
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: You need to work on your accent.
Yuri: What?
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: What?
Yuri: What? What?
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: What?
Yuri: What?
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I don't have time for this. I have to solve a murder.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Someone had words with Gluant... the night before he was killed.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [points his hand to a guard all of a sudden, releasing a vase stuck in his left hand, and Ponton, who was standing next to the guard catches it in time] Didn't you?
Larocque's Guard: No.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: You didn't threaten to brek his legs and then crush him into powder?
Larocque's Guard: [confused] No.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Perhaps I saw that on TV.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Monsieur Larocque.
Larocque: Yes.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [talking about the vase stuck on his right hand] Is this vase of great value?
Larocque: It is a worthless imitation.
[slams the vase on the nearby desk in order to break it, but ends up breaking both the vase and the table in the process]
Larocque: But that desk was... priceless.

Ponton: Have you ever had a hamburger?
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Well, of course not. It's a disgusting American food.
[starts eating the hamburger he was holding and enjoys it]

[trying to teach Clouseau an English accent]
Dialect Instructor: I would like to buy a hamburger.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I would like to buy a "damburgen".
Dialect Instructor: I would like to buy a ham-bur-ger.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I would like to buy a "damburgen".
Dialect Instructor: I would like to buy a hamburger!
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I would like to buy a "damburgen"!

Nicole: Do you live alone, Inspector?
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Yes, I do.
Nicole: Do you ever get lonely?
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: No. Not since the Internet.

Ponton: [chasing masked assassin]
Chief Inspector Dreyfus: It's Clouseau. Arrest him.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [running after Ponton]
Chief Inspector Dreyfus: ...Which one is he?
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [falls off banister]
Chief Inspector Dreyfus: That would be him.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [walking around the room] It is... lovely weather we are having. I hope the weather continues.
[chops curtain, table, etc., usually breaking something]
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: The area is secure.

Bizu: [referring to Gluant] And now he's pushing up the daisies.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: He is not 'pushing up the daisies,' he is DEAD!
Bizu: [glares] It's an idiom!
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: *You*, sir, are the idiom.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Do not leave Europe!
Yuri: But we have matches in Asia.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: All right. Do not leave Europe or Asia!
Yuri: And we also have a match in Brazil.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Do not leave Europe, Asia, or the Americas!

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Let's seal it with a kiss.

[repeated line]
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Newspapers!
[places newspaper over his face]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Yes, politics. Where greed wears the mask of morality.
Nicole: That's good. Did you say that?
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [looks around] Yes, I did.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [about Bizu - dead] It's amazing how he fell perfectly into the chalk outline on the floor.
Ponton: I think they drew the outline after he was shot.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Ah! We must be working with some kind of mastermind!

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Did you say that booth was soundproof?
Roland Saint-Germain: Yes.
[walks into the booth and farts, everyone can hear him by the "turned on" microphone]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [after falling through the ceiling, to the desk clerk] We need fresh towels in 204.

Nigel Boswell/Agent 006: It is very important that you remain calm and do not turn around
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Remain calm, do not turn around
Nigel Boswell/Agent 006: Behind you in the casino are the Gas Mask Bandits
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [turning around and not remaining calm] Oh my God. Ze Gas Mask Bandits

Female Reporter: Inspector!
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Yes.
Female Reporter: Yes, what is your initial premise?
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: That Gluant did not want to be killed. Everthing else follows like liquid mercury flowing down a - a - a sloping thing.
Female Reporter: How long do you think it will take to find the killer?
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Right now the killer is being surrounded by a web of deduction, forensic science and the latest in technology such as two-way radios and e-mail.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: And you are?
Ponton: Gilbert Ponton. Detective, second class. I've been assigned to work with you.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: And what qualifications do you have for police work?
Ponton: My family's done police work in Paris for nine generations.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: And before that?
Ponton: We were policemen in the surrounding areas for 200 years.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: And before that?
Ponton: Immigrants from various countries in Europe all involving police work.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: And before that?
Ponton: Farmers.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Hmm. So you are a little lamb who has come to Clouseau for to learn.

[last lines]
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Ooh... that breeze feels good.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: The day before the murder, you were seen hitting the victim and saying... what?
Ponton: 'I am going to kill you, I am going to kill you'

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: You see, I have waited a long time to prove myself, and now I have been given the opportunity of a lifetime. I intend to show the world exactly who I am and what I can do. I must not fail.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Monsieur, you must move your vehicle at once.
Old man in wheelchair: Oh... I'm so so sorry Officer Clouseau my chair... it won't move.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Hmm... let me see
[investigates the wheel chair]
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: your battery charge is not in let me see. Right so the positive goes to negative
[puts the positive charge in the negative plug]
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: and the negative to the positive
[puts the negative charge into the positive plug]
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: . Okay you are ready to go
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [after the old man reverses backwards into a market stall] Okay next stop.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I've got Bizu in the interrogation room.
Ponton: What's the plan?
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I'm going to give him the "good-cop / bad-cop" routine.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: You are the soccer player known as Bizu?
Bizu: Yes.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: You were acquainted with Yves Gluant?
Bizu: I am glad he is pushing up daisies.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: He is not pushing up daisies, he is dead!
Bizu: It's an idiom.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: You sir, are the idiom!
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Now, unless you want to spend the rest of your life in prison, you will answer the next question: Did you kill him?
Bizu: I would have loved to have killed him, but some lucky bastard beat me to it.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: You disgust me. I'll be right back!
[leaves room]
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [re-enters room] Cigarette?
Bizu: No. Thanks.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Good for you. Bizu, I knew you didn't do it; someone else did, and they are trying to set you up.
Bizu: You'll help me?
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Of course I'll help you. Now, do you have any idea who else might have done this terrible thing?
Bizu: His partner in those stupid restaurants, Larocque.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Raymond Larocque, the casino owner.
Bizu: Gluant would steal money from the restaurants and use it to gamble. My guess is Larocque got fed up and had him killed.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Bizu, I like you. I'm going to help you. You and I are going to make a great team.
[leaves room and shuts door]
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: The good cop / bad cop routine is working perfectly.
Ponton: You know, usually two different cops do that.

The Pink Panther Strikes Again (1976)
[after Clouseau accidentally reduces a piano to a pile of splinters]
Mrs. Leverlilly: You've ruined that piano!
Clouseau: What is the price of one piano compared to the terrible crime that's been committed here?
Mrs. Leverlilly: But that's a priceless Steinway!
Clouseau: Not anymore!

Francois: Do you know what kind of a bomb it was?
Clouseau: The exploding kind.

Clouseau: Does your dog bite?
Hotel Clerk: No.
Clouseau: [bowing down to pet the dog] Nice doggie.
[Dog barks and bites Clouseau in the hand]
Clouseau: I thought you said your dog did not bite!
Hotel Clerk: That is not my dog.

[last lines]
Clouseau: Cato! You imbecile, not now Cato!

Clouseau: There is someone in this room who knows more about the murder than he is telling.
Mrs. Japonica: Murder?
Clouseau: What was that you said?
Mrs. Japonica: I said "murder".
Clouseau: What murder?
Mrs. Japonica: I-I-I don't know, y-you said "murder".
Clouseau: I said murder? *You* said murder!
Mrs. Japonica: No, I said murder because *You* said murder.
Clouseau: *I* said murder?
Mr. Shork: You said there is someone in this room who knows more about the murder than he is telling.

Clouseau: [on the phone] Hello?... Yes. There is a beautiful woman in my bed, and a dead man in my bath.

Clouseau: [after knocking Cato unconscious, goes to answer the phone] Relax. I'll get it.

Clouseau: Now then, what do we know? One, that Professor Fassbinder and his daughter have been kidnapped. Two, that someone has kidnapped them. Three, that my hand is on fire.

[Clouseau has dressed himself as a local doctor/dentist in order to gain access to the gothic castle that is Dreyfus' headquarters; he is now examining Dreyfus for a bad tooth, but accidentally puts his thumb in Dreyfus' eye instead]
Dreyfus: OW! My eye!
Clouseau: Your eye? I thought it was your tooth.
Dreyfus: Hmm? It IS my tooth!
Clouseau: I wish you'd make your mind up; I don't normally make castle-calls in the middle of the night yeu kneuw!

[Clouseau is walking through a pitch-black room with a match in his hand; calling out]
Clouseau: Is there anybody hiding there in the dark?

Clouseau: [chatting with Scotland Yard about sniffing out Dreyfus, who now has Europe's most infamous hitmen working for him] Of course it won't be easy; nothing worthwhile ever is. That is why I have always failed where others have succeeded.

Clouseau: Good evening commissioner. How are you, how is madame and all the little Commissioners?

Bar Patron: Something wrong, Ainsley?
Ainsley Jarvis: No of course not, Bruno. The Inspector here was just warning me that I had to watch my step. You see, back in France, he's known as King of the Tango.
Clouseau: [shocked] Tango?
Ainsley Jarvis: Oh, I'd love to.

Clouseau: [after Dreyfus is knocked into the river for a second and third time and Clouseau thinks he is trying to hide that he's upset] I'm afraid today is just not your day, my friend.
Dreyfus: [quickly stands up] Oh, but it is! It is, my "friend" after three, long terrible years it is AT LAST my day! I will not permit, "repeat," not permit anything..."repeat" anything to spoil it. Now, I will walk you to the gate, to the car which should rightfully be mine. And then I will kiss you goodbye!
[kisses Clouseau's cheeks]
Dreyfus: And then I will have my meeting with the sanity commission, and they will set me free! And then...
[gets hit in the head with an arrow and turns to Clouseau]
Dreyfus: I will kill you!
[starts choking him]
Clouseau: [running away] Francois! Start the car!
Dreyfus: [chasing close behind] KILL YOU! KILL YOU!

Clouseau: What did you say your name was?
Mr. Shork: Shork.
Clouseau: The cook!
Mr. Shork: Gardener.
Clouseau: Ah, now we're getting somewhere!
[points to the beekeeper]
Clouseau: You!

Clouseau: You have received a beump on the head.
Dreyfus: Beump?
Clouseau: What?
Dreyfus: You said beump.
Clouseau: Yes, I know that. It is a large beump. You could receive the concussion from such a beump.

Clouseau: Allow me to assist you.
Dreyfus: No! I'm fine. Never better. Just a little... a little shaky. Probably the shock of... I mean, the surprise of seeing you here again today.

Clouseau: Mark my words, François. Sinister forces are at work.

Clouseau: Well now, I expect you're all wondering why I asked you here
[steps on Mrs. Japonica's foot. She screams]

Clouseau: Look, there is no need for you to speak unless I ask you a question. What is your name?
Mr. Shork: I'm Shork, the gardener.
Clouseau: What is it you do?
Mr. Shork: I'm the gardener.
Clouseau: Then why didn't you say that to me in the first place?
Mr. Shork: I did.
Clouseau: Don't try to be funny with me, monsieur!

Clouseau: This is a very serious matter, and everyone is this reum is under the suspicions.
Cook: Reum?
Clouseau: What was that?
Cook: You said 'reum'?
Clouseau: Yes, I know that!

Clouseau: A beekeeper who has lost his voice, a cook who thinks he's a gardener, and a witness to a murder.

Clouseau: Tell me do you have a reum?
Hotel Clerk: I do not know what a 'reum' is.
Clouseau: [looks up the word 'room' in his German dictionary] Zimmer.
Hotel Clerk: Ah, a 'room'.
Clouseau: That is what I have been saying, you idiot. Reum. Zimmer.

Clouseau: [disguised as Dr. Schirtz] Hello... It's Dr. Schirtz from the village, you know.

Clouseau: I was known as the Pavlova of the parallels. Oh, yes.
[starts swinging on the parallel bars]
Clouseau: Yes, it's all coming back now.
Clouseau: Ah yes, I remember it...
[loses grip and falls down the stairs]
Clouseau: Aagh! Well, that felt good.

Clouseau: Are you alright, former chief inspector?

Quinlan: You'll need help.
Clouseau: I prefer to do this alone.
Quinlan: Yes, but if Dreyfus is what we suspect, he probably has an army behind him.
Clouseau: No, of course it won't be easy, but nothing worthwhile ever is. That is why I have always failed where others have succeeded.

Olga Bariosova: I gave Cato the night off.
Clouseau: But what has happened to my reum?

[Exits a closet after mistaking it for the door out of the room]
Clouseau: Most ingenious. The old closet ploy. I really must congratulate you. If there's one thing I do enjoy, it's a good closet ploy.

Clouseau: Oh, yes. It is obvious to my trained eye, that there is much more going on here than meets the ear. Before you are dismissed, Mr. Stiffsticker, I suggest you count your bees. May find one of them is missing.

Revenge of the Pink Panther (1978)
Simone Legree: Oh, my God.
Clouseau: Mine, too.

Cato: Please, boss! I thought you were dead!
Clouseau: So as a tribute to my memory, you open this... this Chinese nookie factory?

[Philippe Douvier just set up a trap for Chief Inspector Jacques Clouseau and invited him to it with a phone call]
Simone Le Gree: That's so obvious, he's bound to think it's a trap...
Philippe Douvier: Yes, or it's so obvious that he's bound to think it can't be a trap.
Cato: It's so obvious, it's bound to be a trap.
Clouseau: That is why you'll never be a great detective, Cato. It's so obvious that it could not possibly be a trap.

Clouseau: Now, this time *I'm* going to stand on *your* shoulders!
Cato: What good will that do?
Clouseau: Because I'm taller than you are, you fool!

[Inspector Clouseau, disguised as Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec, explains why he can't give a tip to the postman]
Clouseau: I'm a little short.

[dressed as Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec, and singing]
Clouseau: Thank heaven for the little girls. They keep getting smaller every day.

Clouseau: Special delivery - a bomb
[pronounced "beumb"]
Clouseau: Were you expecting one? A beaum?

Clouseau: You mean Douvier killed a wandering transvestite just to impress his godfather?

Clouseau: I am not your ordinary, run-of-the-mill transvestite!

Clouseau: [Dreyfus shoots a gun at Clouseau a couple times] It's me!
Chief Insp. Dreyfus: I know!
[Dreyfus laughs and starts shooting again]

Clouseau: [after Dreyfus faints when seeing Clouseau] Now I know why this place looks so familiar.
Simone Legree: Why?
Clouseau: Chief Inspector Dreyfus lives here.

[Clouseau is disguised as a salty Swedish sea dog and finds out about Le Club Foot from French informant Fernet. He starts walking away, singing a well-known pirate song wrong]
Clouseau: Ooohhh, sixteen chests on a dead man's rum/Yo-ho-ho in the bottle of the chest/Drink to the devils and done for the rums/Hooooooooooooooooooooo!

Chief Insp. Dreyfus: Clouseau?
Clouseau: Yes?
Chief Insp. Dreyfus: Are you wounded?
Clouseau: No. Fortunately I was saved by the darkness.
Chief Insp. Dreyfus: So what we need is more light.

Clouseau: But these aren't normal times. Cato. Someone just tried to kill me.
Cato: That's normal.
Clouseau: Ah, but this time, he thinks he had succeed.

Clouseau: Well, Sir, until we meet again in New York, the case is sol-ved.

Clouseau: Peak A Boo!

Clouseau: It's only an old salty Swedish sea dog out there from the salty seas, you know.
Man at Pier: Hello, Inspector.

Clouseau: Who were those two men have tried to kill you last night?
Simone Legree: Killers.

Clouseau: Hey! Mamma Mia! Ho-ho! Spagettino to Al Pacino.

Simone Le Gree: Now why do you suppose he wanted to have me killed?
Clouseau: Elementary. He wanted you dead.

Simone Legree: But I saw your funeral on TV!
Clouseau: Yes, even the Poop was there, you know?

The Return of the Pink Panther (1975)
Clouseau: Good Sharkey, Colonel God!

Clouseau: I arrest you, Sir Charles Phantom, the notorious pink Lytton.

Col. Sharky: [after examining the scene of stolen Pink Panther, Clouseau notices the wire on the floor] Very ingenious.
Police Chief Lundallah: [annoyed] He pulled himself across the floor.
Clouseau: He did?
Police Chief Lundallah: How else could he have avoided our radar field?
Clouseau: Yes, how else. Hmm. Of course he would have needed a very slippery floor to do that.
Police Chief Lundallah: Therefore, the wax.
Clouseau: The wax? AGHH!
[Clouseau steps on the wax and falls to the floor]
Col. Sharky: Are you alright, Inspector?
Clouseau: [on his knees] Of course I'm alright. I'm... examining the wax.
[sniffs the wax on the floor]
Clouseau: Have you taken a sample of this wax?
Police Chief Lundallah: Wax is wax!
Clouseau: See, this is where you are wrong. Wax is NOT just wax. In this case it is a clue. Domestic wax, Belgian Wax, French Wax, English Wax...
Col. Sharky: Ah, the Inspector is right. Have the wax tested immediately.
Clouseau: [grabing the mechanical arm from the jewel stand] It is my guess that you will find it is English wax.
Police Chief Lundallah: Why?
Clouseau: Because your thief is an Englishman.
Col. Sharky: How do you know that?
Clouseau: It is my business to know that. He is Sir Charles Phantom, the notorious Lytton.
Police Chief Lundallah: The Phantom?
Clouseau: Yes, one and the same.
[the mechanical arm grabs Clouseaus's crotch]

Clouseau: [annoyed] Are you blind?
Blind beggar: Yes!

[to parrot]
Clouseau: Swine bird!

Clouseau: I see you are familiar with the falling-down-on-the-floor ploy.

[after an incident involving a blind beggar]
Dreyfus: The beggar was the lookout man for the gang.
Clouseau: That is impossible.
Dreyfus: Why?
Clouseau: He was blind. How can a blind man be a lookout?
Dreyfus: [Insinuating Clouseau] How can an idiot be a policeman? Answer me that!
Clouseau: It's very simple, all he has to do is enlist...
Dreyfus: Shut up!

[after inadvertently destroying much of the hotel he is in]
Clouseau: I must leave. Zis Hotel is deteriorating rapidly.

[to a Taxi driver]
Clouseau: Follow that car!
[driver gets out of the taxi and follows the car]

Clouseau: Does Lady Lytton have a swimming pewl?
Nice Police Chief: A swimming pewl?

[Chief Inspector Dreyfuss has gone berserk, shooting at Clouseau and Lytton]
Sir Charles Lytton: He's out of ammunition.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: He's out of his mind, that's what he's out of.

[Cato has just attacked Clouseau, causing extensive damage to the restaurant he's eating in]
Clouseau: You fool! You raving Oriental idiot! There is a time and a place for everything, Cato! And this is it!
[Clouseau goes to attack Cato, but misses and destroys the restaurant's kitchen]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [in Dreyfus' office, after Clouseau's apartment has been bombed] I tell you, infamous powers are at work! The instant you assign me to a case, the Underworld hears about it and I am set upon! It is amazing that I am still alive!
Dreyfus: [forcing himself not to giggle] "Amazing" is not the word.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Do I detect something in your voice that says I am in disfavor with you?
Dreyfus: YES! I wish you were DEAD!
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Well, of course, you are entitled to your opinion.

Dreyfus: [after Clouseau's fiasco with the bank robbers] ... You are suspended for six months, without pay, effective immediately! Have you anything to say?
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: ...Could you lend me fifty francs?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [at Lytton Manor in Nice, while working undercover as a telephone repairman, Clouseau has already annihilated the Lyttons' doorbell!] ... I am from the Nice Telephone Company; there is some trouble with your phone.
Mac: ...I don't think there's any trouble with the telephones here.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I know when there is a trouble, and when there is not a trouble, and you may rest assured that there is a trouble.
Mac: Since when?
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Since it was reported.
Mac: By whom? And what sort of trouble is it?
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: If I knew that, I could simply call you up and tell you what the trouble with your telephone is!
Claudine: Well... Whatever the trouble is, I hope you locate it.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Madame, it is my business to locate trouble...
[He misses the door to the study, crashing headlong into the wall; being Clouseau, he isn't even fazed]
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: ...Er, no trouble back there!

[Clouseau is having the hotel bellboy spy on Lady Lytton]
Clouseau: How long have you been a bellboy?
Bellboy: Oh, too long, Monsieur.
Clouseau: Keep up the good work, and I shall see to it you become a bell *man*.

Clouseau: [answering the phone] This is Monsieur Gadoire - who is this speaking?
Dreyfus: Don't you know? HmmHmmm! Can't you guess? I'll give you a clue - this is the man who hates you. This is the man who more than anything else in the world would like to see you dead and buried!
Clouseau: ...are you the headwaiter that works in the little bistro on the Rue de Bazaar?

Clouseau: I did not know the bank was being robbed because I was engaged in my sworn duty as a police officer.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: This is very strange. I do not ever recall receiving the fortune cookie in a Japanese Restaurant.
Sgt. François Chevalier: What does yours say?
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Beware of Japanese Waitress bearing fortune cookies

Clouseau: Cato is in hospital. They nearly blew his little yellow skin off!

A Shot in the Dark (1964)
Maria Gambrelli: You can have one of my cigarettes.
Clouseau: Oh, thank you.
Maria Gambrelli: You have it in backwards.
Clouseau: Oh... it tastes very bad that way.

Clouseau: Facts, Hercule, facts! Nothing matters but the facts. Without them the science of criminal investigation is nothing more than a guessing game.

Clouseau: Listen to me, Hercule, and you will learn something. Now then, the facts in this case are: the body of the chauffeur was found in the bedroom of the second maid. Fact! Cause of death: Four bullets in the chest. Fact! The bullets were fired at close range from a .25 caliber Beretta automatic. Fact! Maria Gambrelli was discovered with the murder weapon in her hand. Fact! The murder weapon was registered in the name of the deceased, Miguel Ostos, and was kept, mind you, in the glove compartment of the Ballon Rolls-Royce. Fact! Now then, members of the household staff have testified that Miguel Ostos beat...
[snaps his pointing stick]
Clouseau: You fool! You have broken my pointing stick! I have nothing to point with now!... have testified that Miguel Ostos beat Maria Gambrelli frequently. And now, finally comes the sworn statement of Monsieur and Madame Ballon, as well as all the members of the staff, each of them with perfect alibis. Now then, Hercule, What is the inescapable conclusion?
Hercule LaJoy: Maria Gambrelli killed the chauffeur.
Clouseau: What? You idiot! It's impossible. She's protecting someone.
Hercule LaJoy: How do you know that?
Clouseau: Instinct!
Hercule LaJoy: But that facts...
Clouseau: You are forgetting the most important fact - motive.

Clouseau: Well, Cato, I'm back on the case. Ah-ha!
[hits him]
Clouseau: Now to set the trap, catch the killer and prove to the world that Maria Gambrelli is innocent... of murder. We must accelerate out training program. You must learn to attack me whenever and wherever I least expect it. And you, you must give no quarter.

Hercule LaJoy: He beat her.
Clouseau: He was Spanish!
Hercule LaJoy: He tore her dress off.
Clouseau: Oh, don't be ridiculous. Would you kill someone who tore your dress off?
Hercule LaJoy: No, I suppose not.
Clouseau: No, of course not! No, no. There is no doubt in my mind, whatsoever, Hercule. Maria Gambrelli is most definitely protecting someone. Find that somebody, and you have found the murderer. And I shall find the murderer before the day is out. Maria Gambrelli will tell me who he is. Oh, yes.

[Accusing a suspect, millionaire Benjamin Ballon]
Clouseau: And I submit, Inspector Ballon, that you arrived home, found Miguel with Maria Gambrelli, and killed him in a rit of fealous jage!

[Arriving at Camp Sunshine]
Clouseau: I am here on official business and I am looking for someone in the recreation area.
Camp Attendant: Not unless you take off your clothes...
Clouseau: You, sir, are under arrest.
Camp Attendant: Arrest? What for?
Clouseau: For making lewd and suggestive remarks to an official of the French government.
Camp Attendant: Lewd and suggestive remarks?
Clouseau: Also for indecent exposure... doesn't anyone wear any clothes around here?
Camp Attendant: No.
Clouseau: What!
Camp Attendant: This is a nudist colony.

Clouseau: There is something... personal... in this?
Dreyfus: Yes, deeply personal. I hate you! Every little bit of you! Now get out!
Clouseau: You want me to leave?

Clouseau: Well... that just goes to prove what I have said all along.
Dreyfus: What you've said, Clouseau, qualifies you as the greatest prophet since Custer said he was going to surround all those Indians!

Dreyfus: What about the maid?
Clouseau: The maid?
Dreyfus: Was he jealous of her too? He strangled her.
Clouseau: It is possible that his intended victim was a man and that he made a mistake.
Dreyfus: A mistake?... in a nudist camp?
Clouseau: Nobody's perfect.
Dreyfus: Idiot nincompoop lunatic!

Clouseau: Uh... What was I saying? Uh... Listen, you, you daydreaming fool, what are you doing there? I mean, can't you pay attention when I'm talking? Don't know know what I was saying? You're not listening to me.
Maurice: With the greatest respect, monsieur, I heard every word that you said.
Clouseau: Would you be kind enough to tell me what it was that I said?
Maurice: You were talking about the closet, monsieur...
Clouseau: Uhhh, yes?
Maurice: You were saying that when the closet door was open, Maria received a bump on the head, and from that that you inferred that someone had been hiding in the closet, monsieur...
Clouseau: Yes, she received a bump on - And, listen, monsieur, next time I may test you without warning!

Clouseau: And... they were your fingerprints!
Benjamin Ballon: Well, why not? It's my house. I've often been in that closet.
Clouseau: For what reason?
Benjamin Ballon: Last time was moths.
Clouseau: "Meuths"?
Benjamin Ballon: [very clearly] Moths!
Clouseau: Yes, "meuths."
Benjamin Ballon: Maria was complaining of "murths."
[frowns at himself]
Clouseau: "Meurths"? Is that right, Maria, that - that you were complaining about these "meuths"?
Maria Gambrelli: Yes, I did complain about moths.
Clouseau: Oh, you mean "meuths"!

[Clouseau has entered a house soaking wet]
Clouseau: That stupid driver of mine parked too close to the fountain.

Clouseau: [after getting his hand caught in a spinning globe] Look at that. I have Africa all over my hand.

Clouseau: I believe everything and I believe nothing. I suspect everyone and I suspect no one.

Maria Gambrelli: [as Clouseau's coat is burning] Your coat, Monsieur!
Clouseau: Yes, it is my coat.

Dreyfus: [a car bomb has just killed the killers. Dreyfus refers to four other killings] A doorman, two customers, and a Cossack! And now eight more dead!
Clouseau: But they were all murderers, except for Maurice, who was a blackmailer!
Dreyfus: [whimpering] They were saints compared to you!

Clouseau: [after bumping into Hercule] You fool! I could have killed you with a karatay chop-uh!
[tries to leave and runs into him again]
Clouseau: You fool! You're off the case!

Clouseau: Facts, Hercule, facts, behind them lays the whole fabric of deductive truth. Now, Hercule let us examine these facts: 1
[holding up 1 finger]
Clouseau: she was found with the murder weapon in her hand, 2
[holding up 3 fingers]
Clouseau: the murder weapon was fresh with blood, 3
[holding up 4 fingers]
Clouseau: there were no fingerprints on the murder weapon other then hers and 4
[holding up all 5 fingers]
Clouseau: all the members of the Ballon household staff have perfect alibis. Now then, Hercule what do these facts add up to?
Hercule LaJoy: Maria Gambrelli killed Georges the gardener.
Clouseau: You are an idiot, only a fresh faced novice would come up with a conclusion like that.
Hercule LaJoy: But the facts.
Clouseau: Listen, who even killed Miguel, killed Georges the gardener and he did it to cover up the first crime. Now what he is trying to do is lay the blame at the foot of this, this poor servant girl.
Hercule LaJoy: Well who do you suspect?
Clouseau: I suspect everyone.
Hercule LaJoy: Well I suppose that is possible.
Clouseau: Possible? What do you mean possible? I deal in certainties.

[Hercule enters Clouseau's office after Clouseau summons him]
Clouseau: What do you want?
Hercule LaJoy: You sent for me.
Clouseau: Of course I sent for you!

Inspector Clouseau (1968)
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: There is a time to laugh and a time not to laugh, and this is not one of them.

Commissioner Sir Charles Braithwaite: I think it only fair to say that your being brought in on this case was not my idea.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: You are too modest.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I shall let that pass, since you cannot possibly know whose leg it is that you are pushing.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Yes, well, life is not all shoot-shoot, bang-bang, you know.

Meg: Do you know something about machinery?
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I don't know something about machinery, I know everything about machinery.

Lt. Lisa Morrel: Hey, what about the crooks?
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: The crooks never sleep and neither does Clouseau.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: My face! You've stolen my face! Give me back my face, you fiend!

Police despatcher: [on police radio] That's our final report. Over and out.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Roger and goodbye.

Reporter: Could you give us a statement please?
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Yes. Chocolate makes one very thirsty.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [shouting] You'll soon be laughing at the other side of my face, my friend!

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I ruin everything I touch.
Lt. Lisa Morrel: Hey, what's the matter with you?
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [close to tears] Arrested twice, I destroy a phone booth at a railroad station... I steal from a nun, I don't know my own face. A man comes up to me with, with my own face tied on, I don't recognize who it is. I don't... I don't deserve to have this autographed picture of Sean Connery!
[takes a picture from back pocket and tears it apart]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [parachuting out of a plane] Kurosawa!

Commissioner Sir Charles Braithwaite: You must trust no one. The viper in our bosom could be anyone.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I suspect everyone!
Commissioner Sir Charles Braithwaite: You will report only to me.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: And what makes you think I trust you?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: And now since we are becoming so chummy, perhaps you can tell me about the Great Train Robbery.
Addison Steele: I don't know nothing!
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: He who don't know nothing, must know something, eh?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: The crooks never sleep and neither does Closeeau!

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I don't deserve to have this autographed picture of Sean Connery!

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Anonymity is a virtue. Every fool knows that. Anonymity's next to cleanliness and I don't have to tell you what that's next to.

The Pink Panther (1963)
[At a costume ball, a police sergeant costumed as a zebra drinks from the punch bowl]
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Any more behaviour like this and I'll have your stripes!

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: What kind of candle is zis?

[last lines]
Police escort: Tell me, inspector - Signor Phantom - all those robberies. How did you ever manage it?
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Well, you know... it wasn't easy.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: At times like this, I wish I was but a simple peasant.
Simone Clouseau: It's times like this that make me realize how lucky I really am.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: We must find that woman!
[slides off the globe]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I am willing to bet you ten thousand francs, that the phantom is in Cortina at this very moment. Even, perhaps, in this very room.
Simone Clouseau: How exciting. What do you think, Mr. Tucker?
Tucker: Oh, I agree with the inspector. You see, Ten of his last fifteen victims have been guests at Angela Dunning's parties.
Sir Charles Lytton: What are we all talking about?
Simone Clouseau: The notorious Phantom.
Princess Dala: I'm afraid I never heard of him.
Sir Charles Lytton: From the little I've read about him, he seems to be quite a fellow.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Believe me. There are few thieves who are as clever as the Phantom. Each theft is completely different and unique, classic in its conception.
George Lytton: I thought you were working on the theory that he does repeat himself.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Well, only as far as Angela Dunning's parties are concerned. However, there is one other duplication, but that is his ah... trademark, his calling card, so to speak. He always leaves a white monogrammed glove.
Princess Dala: Sounds terribly theatrical.

Tucker: Your Highness, if I were the Phantom, I'd have chosen my victim already.
Princess Dala: Really? And who would that be?
Tucker: Well, who owns the most fabulous diamond in the world?
Princess Dala: I suppose I do.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Exactly. The Pink Panther. Such a prize he could never resist. He would be bound to try for it.
Princess Dala: I'm afraid he'd be disappointed. The Pink Panther is in my safe, at...
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [interrupting] Your Highness, please. Don't say it, not here.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [chasing after the diamond thief] Come on, now! Faster! Faster!
[toots horn]
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: What's the matter with you? Can't you drive this thing faster?
[toots horn]
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Come on. I tell you, this is the road they've gone up.
[toots horn]
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Don't argue with me. I'm telling you, I know where they've gone!

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Simone! Where is my Surété-Scotland-Yard-type mackintosh?

Simone Clouseau: If I'm not being too nosy your highness, I read somewhere there was some dispute over the ownership of the Pink Panther.
Princess Dala: It belongs to me. It was a gift from my late father. I shall never surrender it.
Sir Charles Lytton: Why should you?
Princess Dala: When the present government seized power, they claimed the diamond was the property of the people. There's even some talk of the international court deciding the issue.
Sir Charles Lytton: I'll tell you what, why don't I steal the diamond, leave that old glove or whatever it is behind, and you and I can split the insurance.
Princess Dala: All right.
George Lytton: I feel like dancing.
[to Princess Dala]
George Lytton: Your Highness?
Princess Dala: I'd love to.
Sir Charles Lytton: [to Simone] How about you, Madame?
Simone Clouseau: Yes, of course.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Your leg is better, Sir. Charles?
Sir Charles Lytton: What?
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I say your leg is better.
Sir Charles Lytton: Oh, yes. Much better. Thank you.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: You know, Mr. Tucker...
[scalds his hand]
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Argh!
[put his burnt hand into Mr. Tucker's beer]
Tucker: That's my beer, old man.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [having stepped on and broken the violin] Oh well, if you've seen one Stradivarius, you've seen them all.

The Pink Panther 2 (2009)
[from trailer]
Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Let me bring you up to speed... We know nothing. You are now up to speed.

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: I am now leaving France. This is a bad idea.
[steps over "You are now leaving France" line in airport]
TV Announcer: The legendary Pink Panther diamond has been stolen.
Insp. Jacques Clouseau: What'd I tell you?

Kenji: Have we decided on lunch?
Insp. Jacques Clouseau: I'm sure you'll be wanting sushi, my little yellow friend!

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Would you - even though it may lead to injury - marry me?

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: And your name?
Vicenzo: Vicenzo Roccara Squarcialupi Brancaleone.
Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Oh... That is your name. I thought you were ordering in Italian. Once again.
Vicenzo: Vicenzo Roccara Squarcialupi Brancaleone.
Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Vicen tam-ta-da-tam-tam Don Corleone

Pepperidge: Tell me, how did you enjoy your trip to the *airport*?
Insp. Jacques Clouseau: [holding his stamped hand to his chin in thought] Now, how did you know that?

Vicenzo: Clouseau, you are a lover. And Nicole is a woman for a lifetime, a woman to have the babies with.
Insp. Jacques Clouseau: To have the babies? To have the babies?
Vicenzo: Yes, lots and lots of the babies... All day long the babies. *Walks away*
Insp. Jacques Clouseau: ...All day long the babies?

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: And she does not think she is pretty... And I can never tell her that she is pretty, otherwise...
Ponton: Otherwise, what?
Insp. Jacques Clouseau: If she knew how pretty she is, she might choose someone other than me.

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: And now, there is a crime scene waiting... Excuse me, el sceno de crimo.
Vicenzo: That is not Italian and I do speaka English.
Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Oh really? Prove it!

Curse of the Pink Panther (1983)
Countess Chandra: Darling?
Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Yes, my darling?
Countess Chandra: You're smoking the wrong end.
Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Yes... I knew that. You don't have to tell me I am smoking zhe wrong end. Do you know why I am smoking zhe wrong end?
Countess Chandra: No darling, but I'm sure you've got a very good reason.
Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: You're Right! I am smoking on zhe wrong end, because I have a very good reason.

Sergeant Clifton Sleigh: [offering photograph] Do you know this man?
Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: No! I have never seen this person ever in my life! Never!
Sergeant Clifton Sleigh: It's Inspector Clouseau.
Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: *Chief* Inspector.
Countess Chandra: *That's* Inspector Clouseau.
Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: *Chief* Inspector!
Sergeant Clifton Sleigh: You know him?
Countess Chandra: Yes!
Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: What?

Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: By the way, we have not been properly introduced. You of course know who I am.
Sergeant Clifton Sleigh: Sergeant Sleigh.
Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: No, I am not Sergeant Sleigh.
Sergeant Clifton Sleigh: No, 'I'm' Sergeant Sleigh.
Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Oh yes! Now we are getting somewhere.

"The Pink Panther Show" (1969)
[repeated lines]
Sargeant Toto: Yes, Inspector.
Inspector Clouseau: Don't say "yes". Say "oui".
Sargeant Toto: Yes, Inspector.