Dave Lockwood
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Quotes for
Dave Lockwood (Character)
from The Change-Up (2011)

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The Change-Up (2011)
Dave: What if she wants to have sex tonight?
Mitch Planko: You are not having sex with my wife.

Jamie Lockwood: [Mitch at the door] He's early.
Dave: Yeah, you'd be early too if all you did all day was eat hummus and masturbate.
Cara Lockwood: What's "hummus"?
Dave: That is a Mediterranean spread, honey.
Cara Lockwood: What's "master-ate"?
Jamie Lockwood: It's a cracker.

Mitch Planko: We do the Wheelbarrow, the Arabian Goggles, the Lonesome Dove, the Arsenio Hall, the Jelly Donut, the Pastrami Sandwich, the Wolfgang Puck. And let me tell you something, no man is that hungry.
Dave: What? I don't even know what these are.
Mitch Planko: You're married. You're married, Dave.

Mitch's Dad: We should probably go, ya know, take a piss.
Dave: Yeah. Yeah, let's do it.

Mitch Planko: You ready to take a piss?
Dave: You bet your ass I am.

[last lines]
Dave: Is it weird I miss your penis?
Mitch Planko: Ah, come on, it would be weird if you didn't...

Mitch Planko: So I can't sleep with my wife, I can't sleep with other women. What the hell is that?
Dave: Marriage.

Dave: [Mitch's line as Dave] "Here's what you do: what you do is you f__k verbal resolution, okay? You put that whore on her back, and you SHANK her. Do you know how to make a shiv? Listen to me: If somebody comes at you with a knife, you put her whole family in the morgue. That is jail-yard justice. Because if you don't come back hard on a b___h, you're going to end up getting sold for a pack of Camel Lights and a Jell-O Cup. Do you understand what I'm saying to you?... Always solve your problems with violence!"

Dave: [in Mitch's body, showing his date outfit comprising of an outdated, ill-fitting shirt and triple-pleated khakis] So, how do I look?
Mitch Planko: [in Dave's body, cringing at the date look] Well, all you have to do is just grow a mustache and lure a ten-year old kid into your van.

[office phone rings]
Dave: [puts phone on speaker] Hello?
Mitch Planko: Penis, shit, vagina, cock, wolf pussies!
Dave's Secretary, Patricia: [stares in shock into Dave's office from her desk]
Dave: [quickly puts phone off speaker] Mitch. I'm at work.
Mitch Planko: [wearing a headset while swinging a samurai sword] Did I get you?
Dave: Yeah. Sure did.
Mitch Planko: You have me on speaker phone?
Dave: Yup.
Mitch Planko: Secretary hear?
Dave: Yes, the secretary heard. She heard it all.
Mitch Planko: Ha! That's awesome.
Dave: Not really. How stoned are you right now?

Mitch Planko: [pokes baby Peter] Hey, what's your name? What's your - what's your name?
Mitch Planko: [looks at Dave and Jamie] Why can't they talk yet? Are they retarded or something?
Dave: Now, see, you can't say that.
Mitch Planko: [points at Peter] Well, at least this one right here seems a little... a little downsy.

Mitch Planko: And at the end of the day, do you now what you get?
Dave: A fucking gun with a bullet to blow my head off with!
Mitch Planko: Sometimes you wish.

Mitch Planko, Dave: I wish I had your life!