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Quotes for
Jake Wyler (Character)
from Not Another Teen Movie (2001)

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Not Another Teen Movie (2001)
Jake: Malik, can you hold my books for me?
Malik: Sure, why not? I am the token black guy. I'm just supposed to smile and stay out of the conversation and say things like; "Damn," "Shit," and "That is whack."

Jake: No, not Janey Briggs. She's got glasses. And a ponytail. Ugh, she's got paint on her overalls. What is that?

Jake: What about her?
[indicating hunchback girl walking by]
Austin: So baby's got a little back. Hunch, that is. Naah, way too easy.
Jake: OK.
[indicates hippy albino girl playing guitar]
Albino Folk Singer: [singing] I have no pigment...
Austin: Any girl with a guitar is hot.
Albino Folk Singer: [continues singing] I need sunscreen...
Austin: Granted, she's a hippy albino. She could still be prom queen.
Jake: OK, uh, what about the Fratelli sisters?
[indicates awkward Siamese twins conjoined at the head]
Austin: So they're slightly disfigured and connected at the head. But combined, those two make up one pretty decent chick.
Reggie Ray: Yeah, I'd do 'em.
Austin: I know you would, Reggie Ray. But no, I'm looking for somebody who's really messed up. I'm talking about a real shitbomb.
[Janie Briggs walks by]
Austin: Well, bombs away!
Jake: No, no, no, no, anyone but her! Not... Janie Briggs! Guys, she's got glasses and a ponytail! Aw, look at that, she's got paint on her overalls, what is that? Guys, there's no way she could be prom queen!
Malik: Damn! That shit's whack!

Catherine: I want you.
Jake: Catherine that's disgusting! You're my sister.
Catherine: Only by blood.
Jake: [Shoving her off] What's wrong with this family?

Priscilla: Jake, I need some T-to-the-fourth-power-Y.
Jake Wyler: Huh?
Priscilla: Some time to talk to you?

Janey: I knew it. That's a line from "She's All That". I masturbate to that movie.
Jake: [to nosy Flight Attendant right behind them] Do you mind?
Airline Clerk: Not at all, I think masturbation is very healthy.

Flight attendant: OH GOD! Ugh! I can't believe you fell for that crap! That's from 'Pretty In Pink!'
Janey: Are you sure?
Flight attendant: Trust me!
Jake: Excuse me, what are you doing?
Flight attendant: Let me give you a little piece of advice here, Jake. Why don't you lose the "I'm the cute and sensitive, popular boy with the big side-burns routine. It's just too pathetic! And for once tell Janey what's true in your heart. Stop being such a little bitch! And you Janey! Little miss other-side-of-the-tracks awkward rebel girl with the pseudo-intellectual glasses, why don't you wise-up to Jake's bullshit! Stop being such a dumbass!

Jake: [Looking at stick figure drawing] Who's that?
Janey: It's my mother.
Jake: You have her eyes.

Janey: [talking about her dead mom] I remember it like it was yesterday, Christmas 1989, Dad had just gotten fired from the Zippo factory, Mom was still pulling in tricks to make ends meet, Daniel Day Lewis won an Oscar for "My Left Foot", and all I wanted was one of those little Betsy Wetsy dolls.
Jake: I remember those. Push her belly and she'd piss all over herself.
Janey: She said she was going out to get my Dad a bottle of gin, but, I knew she was going to get me that present. It was raining really hard that night, the roads were... slippery.
Jake: Janey... a car accident.
Janey: No. Cancer.

Jake: Hey Janey. What's up?
Janey: Excuse me?
Jake: So listen, you ever wondered what it'd be like to be the most popular girl in school?
Janey: You mean anorexic, superficial, a bitch, a whore who lacks any real long-term goals?
Jake: Uhhh ha ha... exactly. So, if you're interested, I thought that maybe we could go out sometime, be seen in public together.
Janey: You haven't spoken to me in, like, four years Jake.
Jake: Actually, it's more like six, because the time you're referring to when we were standing in line at that movie theater, I was actually saying "hey" to the person right behind you.

Catherine: Can I ask you a question? Why is it then whenever I tell a guy to put it wherever they want, they always stick it in my ass?
Malik: Damn.
Jake: That's way too much information for me, Catherine.
Catherine: Oh no Jake. Way too much information would be telling you that whenever they're done I always take a huge dump.
Malik: Shit.
Catherine: On their chest.
Malik: Oh, that is whack.

Janey: You never noticed my glasses and my ponytail.
Jake: And don't forget the paint-covered overalls.
Janey: Right... you never noticed those either.

Jake: Where's Janey?
Austin: Little Ms. Run Home To Her Daddy, ran home to her daddy.

Jake: She's right... maybe you should get on that plane to Paris. Cause if you stay, we really only have the summer, then I go to college and we'll talk on the phone and spend the occasional weekend together which is nice. But chances are one night I'm gonna get wrecked and have unprotected sex with some girl in my dorm. You'll find her thong and call me a slut... I'll call you a cock-tease and we'll break up. So when you really think about it, what's the point?

[Punches Austin]
Jake: That's for taking Janie to the prom.
Priscilla: You put the...
[Jake punches her]
Jake: That's for hurting Janie at Preston's party.
Les: [Filming] This is really turning me on.
[Jake punches him]
Jake: That's for... being really weird.
[Starts to leave, turns and punches Les' floating bag]
Jake: I don't know what that was for.

Jake: How could Priscilla dump me, Jake Wyler? I mean who the hell does she think she is?
Austin: I got two words for ya, Jake: Prom Queen... material.
Jake: Austin, she's an illusion. Ok, you take away the make-up, the clothes, the way she wears her hair, the smell of her perfume, that cute little face she makes when she's tonguing my balls. Look she's totally replaceable.

Austin: Jake Wyler. So congratulations man, you just blew my perfect season. Senor You-Just-Blew-My-Perfect-Season!
Jake: What do you want Austin?
Austin: A life.
[pause]
Austin: And payback.
Jake: C'mon man, don't do this.
Austin: No, man, I think I'll hang around. Maybe tell Janey a little S-E-C-R-A-T-P...

Jake: Man, go away!
Austin: No, I think I'll stick around, maybe tell Janie a little s-e-c-r-a... p.

Janey: Jake! How did you get in here? I thought Dad bolted the door.
Jake: There's a big hole in the side of your house.

Ricky Lipman: I am *not* going to let you hurt Janey again. Okay? Besides, I love her.
Jake: Well, so do I.
Ricky Lipman: [slight pause] Yes, but I'm the best friend, and I have been in front of her face the whole time, and she just... hasn't really realized it yet, but she will.
Jake: Well, I'm the reformed cool guy, who's learned the error of his ways. She's gonna forgive me for my mistakes, and realize that I really love her.
Ricky Lipman: [pause] Dammit, that's true.

Jake: [after being thrown a pink bra, grinning] Tiffany...
[throws away the bra]
Jake: [after being thrown red panties, continues grinning] Melanie...
[throws away the panties]
Jake: [after being thrown white boxer-shorts, smile disappears quickly] Hey Arthur...
[keeps the boxer-shorts]

The Coach: All right, goddamn it, lets hit the showers goddamn it! Bunch of candy-asses, we're gonna get our asses kicked Friday!
Jake: Coach what about fourth-string? I didn't even get to practice...
The Coach: Wyler... after all the goddamn shenanigans you pulled last season, you should be thanking god that your still in goddamn uniform, Goddamn it!

Jake: [Sincerely] Thanks, MaIik. You're inteIIigent and insightfuI. You don't get the respect you deserve.
Malik: [Eagerly] That's great! I've aIways wanted to discuss...
Jake: [Interrupting] I actually got to go. Sorry.

Jake Wyler: So listen, you ever wonder what it would be like to be the most popular girl in school?
Janey Briggs: You mean anorexic, superficial, a bitch, a whore who lacks any real long-term goals?
Jake Wyler: [chuckles] ... Exactly.