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Quotes for
Stephen Stotch (Character)
from "South Park" (1997)

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"South Park: Proper Condom Use (#5.7)" (2001)
[Mr. Garrison has to teach sexual education in Kindergarten]
Mr. Herbert Garrison: Okay children, who can tell me what a condom is?
[silence, one girl raises hand]
Mr. Herbert Garrison: Yes, Jenny?
Jenny: It fwies awound and it's endangewed.
Mr. Herbert Garrison: That's a *condor*, Jenny! Condor. *Condoms* are what we use to stop the spread of STDs.
[Fillmore raises hand]
Mr. Herbert Garrison: Yes, Fillmore?
Filmore Anderson: Can we do fingerpaints?
Mr. Herbert Garrison: [angrily] No, we can't do fingerpaints! You kids wanna get herpes, huh? How 'bout a nice bucket of AIDS? Sound good? Now pay attention, all right? I'm going show you the proper way to put on a condom.
[puts a wooden phallus on table]
Mr. Herbert Garrison: First of all, you remove the condom from its package. Then you find which way the condom rolls out. Put it in your mouth
[puts consom in mouth, and starts to speak muffled]
Mr. Herbert Garrison: and apply.
[off screen, Garrison puts the condom over the wooden penis by act of fellatio; the kids look baffled; one starts crying]
Mr. Herbert Garrison: And it's as simple as that. Any questions?

Chef: Look, schools are teaching condom use to younger and younger students each day, but sex isn't something that should be taught in text books and diagrams; sex is emotional and spiritual - it needs to be taught by family. I know it can be hard, parents, but if you leave it up to the school to teach kids, you don't know who they're learning it from. It could be someone who doesn't know, someone who has a bad opinion of it, or even a complete pervert.
[panning from Mr. Mackey, to Chokesondick, and then to Mr. Garrison]
Mr. Garrison: What? Why did you pan to me just now? What the hell's that supposed to mean?


"South Park: Toilet Paper (#7.3)" (2003)
Kyle Broflovski: You confessed?
[confused about Butters behind bars for what they did]
Butters Stotch: Yeah, uh huh; they said that I TP'ed the art teacher's house. I don't seem to remember it, but they're pretty sure it was me. I just can't get my behavior under control.
[grabbing at the bars and looking angry]
Officer Barbrady: His parents are on their way down now.
Butters Stotch: Yeah, and boy are they gonna let me have it. You just wait until my father gets here.
Kyle Broflovski: You guys, we can't let him do this.
[conferring away from Barbrady and Butters]
Cartman: What are you talking about? This is a gift from God! An early Easter present all wrapped up from Jesus Christ himself!
Butters Stotch: Well, I'm just a little asshole is what I am.


"South Park: The Death of Eric Cartman (#9.6)" (2005)
Stephen Stotch: There's no reason to be afraid of things that aren't real; there's plenty of real things to be scared of. Like super AIDs.
Butters: Ah, s-super AIDs?
Stephen Stotch: That's right. A new form of AIDs that is resistant to drugs. Just one tea spoon of super AIDs in your butt and you're dead in three years.
Butters: Agh! Oh, Jesus!
Stephen Stotch: So, now you feel better? Ghosts don't exist, and there's nothing to be afraid of. Except for super AIDs.


"South Park: Margaritaville (#13.3)" (2009)
Newsreader: An economic crisis has hit South Park and the nation like never before. Another South Park bank has closed down, leaving thousands of people in debt.
Mr Garrison: It's just crazy, you know? Everyone's affected by it. It's like all the money just vanished.
Stephen Stotch: It's really terrifying. We-we've got no money to pay our mortgage now. We could very easily lose our house!
Butters: Hi grandma!
Redneck #1: First the money started going, and now everyone's getting laid off work! They took our jobs!
Redneck #2: They took our jobs!
Redneck #3: D' took'r jeeeeerbs!
Redneck #4: Took'r durbs!
Redneck #5: Took'r dur'b!
Newsreader: Just how far will the economy fail? We asked economic reporter, Dan Banks, for his assessment.
[Dan pulls out a gun and shoots himself, followed by a loud thump as he falls]
Newsreader: [pause] We'll have the rest of Dan's interview tonight at ten.


"South Park: Imaginationland: Episode III (#11.12)" (2007)
[Butters has been told to imagine what is "most prominent" in his mind; he thinks of his father first]
Stephen Stotch: Butters? You are grounded, mister! You hear me?
[Butters' dad transforms into a hideous mutant]
Stephen Stotch: GROUNDED!
Butters: No, no no no, no no no!
[his father disappears]
Aslan: What are you doing? We need Santa!
Butters: I'm trying!
Wonder Woman: C'mon, kid, imagine Santa! Believe in Santa!
Zeus: You must believe in Santa!
Aslan: [screaming] BELIEVE IN SANTA! RIGHT NOW!


"South Park: Eek, a Penis! (#12.5)" (2008)
Butters: That might be the teacher's penis.
Mr. Stotch: How do you know what your teacher's penis looks like?


"South Park: Asspen (#6.2)" (2002)
Kyle Broflovski: Mom! Dad!
Stan Marsh: Where the hell have you guys been?
Stephen Stotch: We got a little held up a the time-share sales office.
Randy Marsh: Yeah, but the good news is we finally came to our senses and bought some shares in a condo. So we all get to come to Aspen for two weeks every year!
Stephen Stotch: [after a disappointed "awww" from the boys] Well, what's the matter? Didn't you boys like skiing?
Stan Marsh: NO! We can't keep track of when you "pizza" and when you "French fries" and when the hot-shot ass-hole skier takes your girl if you are supposed to race him the first time or train first and beat him on the really difficult mountain so you can save the dorky but hot girl's youth center... skiing sucks!
Kyle Broflovski: Yeah, what a stupid sport!


"South Park: Hell on Earth 2006 (#10.11)" (2006)
Biggie Smalls: You punk ass fool.
Butters Stotch: Aah!
Biggie Smalls: Why'd you summon me?
Butters Stotch: Please don't ice me, homie.
Biggie Smalls: You better have a good reason, sucker.
Butters Stotch: I just... was seeing if it worked.
Biggie Smalls: Damn. Every Halloween, I gots to deal with this shit. I'm in hell, minding my own business. Then the next thing I know, I'm in some kids bathroom.
Butters Stotch: Well, I apologize, Mr. Smalls.
Biggie Smalls: You don't understand, fool. I ain't missing the party.
Butters Stotch: What party?
Biggie Smalls: I already got my wristband, see. You've got to get me to Los Angeles.
Butters Stotch: Well, can't you just take a plane?
Biggie Smalls: How, punk? We don't use money in hell, nigger.
Butters Stotch: Well, damn, nigger. There's gotta be some way.
Biggie Smalls: This is your fault, homie. You've got to get me to Los Angeles, or I'm gonna smoke your ass.
Butters Stotch: Oh, hamburgers!


"South Park: The Return of the Fellowship of the Ring to the Two Towers (#6.13)" (2002)
Gerald Broflovski: [Talking about the porno] Okay, okay. How bad was it?
Randy Marsh: It was... Backdoor Sluts 9.
Men: BACKDOOR SLUTS 9?
Stephen Stotch: Backdoor Sluts 9 makes Crotch Capers 3 look like Naughty Nurses 2!
Gerald Broflovski: It is the single most vile, most twisted piece of porn ever made.
Sheila Broflovski: [furiously] HOW THE HELL DO YOU KNOW?
Gerald Broflovski: I, uh, I read about it in People.