Captain Dashell
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Quotes for
Captain Dashell (Character)
from "Death Valley" (2011)

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"Death Valley: Pilot (#1.1)" (2011)
Sound guy Rodney: [Talking to the UTF officers] I got a few tips that will help you sound better on TV.
Captain Dashell: Yeah well I've got a tip for you too Rodney, Alright? A little more than tip if you know what I mean. I can show a man what it's like to be a woman.

Captain Dashell: What'd you do in Carefree? You don't look like a golfer.
Officer Kirsten Landry: Actually I'm a 14 handicap.
Captain Dashell: Means nothing to a zombie. You gonna kill a zombie with a golf club?
Officer Kirsten Landry: Err, yeah! you wanna UMPH! destroy the brain, right?
Captain Dashell: That's exactly right. Shoot em through the eyes, run em over with a truck, crush his head in with a crowbar.
Officer Kirsten Landry: How's a crowbar different from a golf club?
Captain Dashell: You ever try to get out of the sand with a crowbar?

Captain Dashell: What'd you do in Carefree? You don't look like a golfer.
Officer Kirsten Landry: Actually I'm a 14 handicap.
Captain Dashell: Means nothing to a zombie. You gonna kill a zombie with a golf club?
Officer Kirsten Landry: Err, yeah. You wanna UMPH! destroy the brain, right?
Captain Dashell: That's exactly right. Shoot em through the eyes, run em over with a truck, crush his head in with a crowbar.
Officer Kirsten Landry: How's a crowbar different from a golf club?
Captain Dashell: You ever try to get out of the sand with a crowbar?

Captain Dashell: [Captain Dashell looks at Kirsten, pretends to press buttons on fax machine, then walks over] How have you been handeling everything we've thrown at you so far?
Officer Kirsten Landry: Well I've been sitting at my desk for 4 hours
Captain Dashell: I know that. I've been watching you... Not continually of course.

Captain Dashell: [Sofia walks in] Well, well, well, if it isn't my favorite prostitute. I'm kidding, I don't have a favorite prostitute. Not in this country anyway.

Captain Dashell: [about Kirsten] Now she's a rookie but i'm sure she's no stranger to zombies.
Officer Kirsten Landry: Actually I've never seen one, in person.
Captain Dashell: That's alright, it'll only take you about 2 hours around here to pop your cherry huh
[hits Jon Jon on the shoulder]

Officer Kirsten Landry: I would love to be up on the beat!
Captain Dashell: In time Kristen, in time.
Officer Kirsten Landry: It, it's actually um, it's pronounced Kirsten.
Captain Dashell: What'd I say?
Officer Kirsten Landry: Kristen.
Captain Dashell: Say it your way?
Officer Kirsten Landry: Kirsten.
Captain Dashell: Ok I'm gonna be honest, I'm gonna have a little trouble with that. But anyway, Gurstin.

Officer Joe Stubeck: [Going through Billy's phone] Man Billy's got a lot of porn on this thing.
Captain Dashell: Inactive glands.

Officer Joe Stubeck: Here's the part where they tell me to go to Griffith park with the body. Unarmed and alone
Captain Dashell: Well I guess that's what you gotta do then.
Officer Joe Stubeck: Seriously?
Captain Dashell: They say what they'll do if you went there with backup?
Officer Joe Stubeck: Yeah, they'll kill Billy.
Captain Dashell: Well there you go then.
Officer Joe Stubeck: I'm not going in without backup.
Captain Dashell: Don't be such a girl.

Captain Dashell: [about Kirsten] Now she's a rookie but I'm sure she's no stranger to zombies.
Officer Kirsten Landry: Actually I've never seen one, in person.
Captain Dashell: That's alright, it'll only take you about 2 hours around here to pop your cherry huh
[hits Jon Jon on the shoulder]

Captain Dashell: [Sofia walks in] Well, well, well, if it isn't my favorite prostitute. I'm kidding I don't have a favorite prostitute. Not in this country anyway.

Officer Joe Stubeck: [Going through Billy's phone] Man Billy's got a lot of porn on this thing
Captain Dashell: Inactive glands.


"Death Valley: Peace in the Valley (#1.12)" (2011)
Captain Dashell: This is gibberish. Pretty sure he's on a morphine drip.

Captain Dashell: Ah, women. You're so emotional.
Officer Joe Stubeck: Captain, I have to agree with Carla on this one.
Captain Dashell: Ah, men. You're like women.