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"The Distressed Watcher: Revenge of the Sith: Part 1 (#1.10)" (2010)
Distressed Watcher: Revenge of the Sith is the would-be Jesus Christ of the prequel 'sobba'. Many bitter fanboys, like myself, who utterly dispised the insipidity of The Phantom Menace and as well as the listlessness of Attack of the Clones held a sliver of hope in our hearts that by some miracle this new film, Revenge of the Sith, would redeem the prequels by giving us a tour de force third act to make us forget the sloppy first act and the stagnant second. Our prayers... were not answered.

Anakin Skywalker: You are so... beautiful.
Distressed Watcher: Doesn't it seem as though that's physically painful for him to say?

Distressed Watcher: Just listen to Padme's reaction when she learns that Anakin has been killing children again in his spare time.
Padme: Not Anakin!
Distressed Watcher: Listen to the total lack of conviction in her voice. Of course, that could be because he already had a history of slaughtering children at this point. How many times does this guy have to kill a bunch of children before you realize he's an evil piece of human garbage and dump him, you stupid bitch? I know that women like bad boys, but this is taking it too far.

Padme: [to Anakin] Hold me, like you did by the lake on Naboo. So long ago when there was nothing but our love. No politics, no plotting, no war.
Distressed Watcher: No politics, no plotting, no war? The reason you were on Naboo was because the Separatists were trying to kill you, you fucking moron!

Distressed Watcher: Everyone in this movie is retarded. Everyone. No wonder one man was able to take over the whole shebang. He's manipulating a universe full of idiots. Want proof? I've got it.

Distressed Watcher: Perhaps the stupidest thing of all is the way Padme refuses to believe that Anakin is really a horrible person. Despite the fact that he killed children. Twice!
Padme: There's good in him. I know. I know there is... still...
Distressed Watcher: Despite his murdering the Jedi, betraying his friend, and trying to strangle her while she was pregnant with his children. She still thinks "there's some good in him." I've met some stupid people in my time, but if this woman thinks there's a decent guy in there somewhere then she's too stupid to live.

Distressed Watcher: Lost her will to live? Medically, she's fine? That's some Little House on the Prairie shit! What the fuck kind of technological society is this? Also, with two kids, wouldn't she find the will to live? You know, for them?

Distressed Watcher: You know what? Maybe she is too dumb to live. Maybe Anakin choking her killed one of her only two brain cells and the remaining one is hanging itself out of loneliness. She's dying because she is literally too stupid to live.

Battle Droid #1: Drop your weapons!
Battle Droid #2: I said drop'em!
Distressed Watcher: Drop your weapons? OR you could just shoot and kill them at that very moment. End this movie early. Spare the audience. Who is building these utterly useless droids and who is paying for them and why are they so dumb? What army of fast acting human beings would lose to these mechanical hunks of shit that can't even seem to kill an enemy even when they're inches away and the enemy isn't even aware of their presence? Stupid!

Darth Sidious: When my new apprentice, Darth Vader arrives. He will... take care of you.
Distressed Watcher: Wow, subtle. No one on earth wouldn't pick up on that threat. Of course, these people aren't on earth. They're smack-dab in the moron galaxy. Does it just not matter how sinisterly you say something in this galaxy?

Distressed Watcher: Hayden Christiensen is back, portraying Anakin Skywalker once again as a 15-year-old boy trapped in a twenty-something year old man's body. He WHINES and MOANS his way through this role, reducing the tragedy of his inevitable downfall to something on the level of a spoiled child not getting a toy that he wants and subsequently throwing a temper tantrum. His inability throughout the film to make a wise or even understandable decision far removes him from our sympathies.

Distressed Watcher: His single-minded objective is to prevent his dream from occurring, no matter what the cost. For this weak motivation, he betrays the Jedi, slaughters children, tries to kill his friend and mentor, Obi-Wan Kenobi, ends democracy so that Palpatine can begin a galactic empire... all of this because of a couple of nightmares. All of this to save someone for whom his love is not even very convincing.

Distressed Watcher: This movie garnered critical and fanboy praise at the time. Even I claimed to like it at one point, until I realized that I had been suffering from a near-fatal case of lowered expectations after the first two turds in this haphazard prequel trilogy.

Distressed Watcher: Palpatine isn't even making an effort to act as though he's not pure evil this time around. He's literally not even trying anymore. He might as well tattoo "Sith Lord" to his forehead for all the subtly he exhibits in this movie.
Palpatine: Good, Anakin, good. Kill him. Kill him now.
Anakin Skywalker: I shouldn't.
Palpatine: Do it!
Distressed Watcher: Do it? What persuasion. I can see why the Sith are considered masters of deception.
[imitates Palpatine]
Distressed Watcher: Wanna join the Dark Side?
[imitates Anakin]
Distressed Watcher: Nah.
Palpatine: Do it!
Distressed Watcher: No, I really shouldn't.
Palpatine: Do it!
Distressed Watcher: Hmm, well when you put it that way, yeah, okay. Stupid!


"The Distressed Watcher: Phantom Menace: Part 1 (#1.4)" (2010)
Distressed Watcher: Our heroes are Qui-Gon Jinn, played by Liam Neeson, and Obi-Wan Kenobi, played by... who gives a fuck? Okay, okay, his name is "E-wan" McGregor if you really want to know.

Distressed Watcher: Far more infuriating than Jar-Jar is Anakin Skywalker, played by Jake Lloyd, who I hope is addicted to heroin and blowing a guy for his next fix right now. This kid is the Beaver. His every word is hollow and filled with souless, fifties sitcom-style dialogue and exclamations, and he's a goody-goody. Darth Vader was a little goody-goody who said shit like this:
Anakin Skywalker: Mom, you said the biggest problem in the universe is that nobody helps each other.
Distressed Watcher: I wanna puke in my Cheerios when I hear things like that.

Distressed Watcher: It looks like Star Wars. It sounds like Star Wars. But The Phantom Menace doesn't feel like Star Wars.

Distressed Watcher: The naivete and charm of Luke Skywalker has been replaced by high-pitched, sitcom-style "gosh, gee, shucks" yammering of Anakin Skywalker.

Distressed Watcher: Instead of character development, we get elaborate costumes. Instead of coherent plot, we get a mess of special effects. Instead of visual integrity, we get an absolute mess where every frame is stuffed to the brim with as much crap as possible. The space battle is no longer a carefully placed struggle in the stars full of suspense, but an incomprehensible jumble of lasers and ships. It's like George Lucas thought that all of the bright colors and loud noises would distract us from the total lack of dramatic tension.

Distressed Watcher: The lightsaber duel is no longer a fight to the death with a real sense of urgency behind it, but a choreographed ballet where every move looks practiced, polished and sterile. Sterile. Yes, that's the perfect word to describe everything in this movie.

Distressed Watcher: I wore Star Wars shirts to school because I didn't realize that they were girl repellent.

Distressed Watcher: [reading opening text crawl] "The taxation of trade routes to outlying star systems is in dispute." Um... what? I mean, I guess that could be pretty bad, but what does it even mean? How do you tax a trade route? Do you stop every ship using the route and make them give you money? Sounds like a pretty bad idea. Maybe the Republic should rethink that policy. But has it really lead to turmoil engulfing the Republic? If so, why don't they just rescind the taxes?

Distressed Watcher: Taxation of trade routes? Systems in dispute? Trade Federation? Who wrote this movie, Alan Greenspan? These words don't feel like Star Wars words. Luke and Han never sat down to debate supply and demand, and there's a good reason for that: it's fucking boring.

Distressed Watcher: Remember how Obi-Wan in the original trilogy was a warm, wise and wily old man with a glimmer in his eye and a little bit of a sarcastic streak? Well it turns out that he developed that personality later in life, because here he's a whiny little bitch.

Distressed Watcher: Still, at least Qui-Gon's reckless stupidity amounts to a character trait, which hints at a personality. When I first saw this movie, Qui-Gon was my favorite character. Then I realized it's because he's the ONLY character. Everyone else in this movie is as flat as can be. Amidala has no personality whatsoever. She looks stoic and acts stern. We never get to see anything beneath that. Obi-Wan is relentlessly whiny like a PMSing Bantha, but that doesn't amount to making him much more than Qui-Gon's nagging wife.

Distressed Watcher: Jar-Jar never shuts up. He constantly gets in the way. He is obviously shoe-horned into scenes where he has no business being merely to provide comic relief. And, he's not nearly as bad as most people say. He's annoying, but so are C-3PO, R2-D2 and Chewbacca. He's supposed to be annoying. The problem is that an annoying character only works if you care about the characters that are being annoyed, and here we don't. So the only person Jar-Jar annoys is us. He falls flat as a joke because the context of the film doesn't allow it to work.

Distressed Watcher: Before we can really get into what made Jar Jar so annoying, we need to talk about how incredibly racist this movie is. There's no denying or hiding it. The Trade Federation aliens are slanty-eyed, ornately dressed, imperialistic and they talk in broken English; Watto, the shady parts dealer on Tatooine is big-nosed, cares only about money and talks in a raspy voice; Jar Jar is lanky, stupid, and subservient to his masters, and the way he talks is reminiscent of a southern black man in the slavery era.


"The Distressed Watcher: Attack of the Clones: Part 1 (#1.7)" (2010)
Distressed Watcher: So, The Phantom Menace is over and we are faced with a new entry in the prequel sobba. I call it a sobba instead of saga because it makes me want to cry.

Distressed Watcher: Count Dooku? That sounds like a breakfast cereal: Count Dooku's Tasty Flakes. What an utterly mockable moniker, especially for your antagonist. It sounds like "dookie", and dookie means shit.

Distressed Watcher: Consequently, this film drags its feet and its ass. There are long, long, loooooooooooooooonnng stretches where nothing that advances the plot occurs. We feel like our space ship is spinning its wheels in the mud.

Distressed Watcher: Anakin Skywalker, our main protagonist, is a completely unlikeable crybaby.
Anakin Skywalker: He's overly critical. He never listens. He doesn't understand. It's not fair.
Distressed Watcher: It's not fair? What a petulant child. Can you imagine Darth Vader saying "it's not fair"?

Anakin Skywalker: Why did she have to die?
Distressed Watcher: Why did she have to die? Gosh, you're not cliche at all. Why don't you toss your arm across your forehead and say "woe is me" already? It's about as subtle. What is with this character?

Distressed Watcher: He confesses this act of genocidal rage to Amidala. He tells her all about how he murdered them and he hates them. He expresses no remorse, only rage.
Anakin Skywalker: And not just the men, but the women and the children too. They're like animals and I slaughtered them like animals!
Distressed Watcher: The only regret that he feels, it seems, is that he can't do it all over again.

Distressed Watcher: He goes to the Sand Peoples' encampment just in time to watch his mother die. Then in a fit of rage he murders the entire encampment. Women and children included. Of course we never see this happen because it's PG-13. We just see him kill the first three Sand People before George Lucas cuts away to something less interesting.

Padme: To be angry is to be human.
Distressed Watcher: Wow, he just told you he murdered an entire tribe of people, including children, and your reaction amounts to a little more than "well, we all have bad days." I'm sorry, Padme, but I believe the correct response is something more akin to: "Oh my God, you're a monster. Get away from me, you horrible, horrible person." So here's where we try to figure out just who the fuck Anakin Skywalker is.

Distressed Watcher: Is he altruistic? Is he a whiny little bitch? Is he a raging cauldron of emotional instability? He's all of these things. But not because he's so well developed and complex, but because he's so shoddily and inconsistently written.

Distressed Watcher: Wait, the Republic doesn't already have an army? I'm sorry, I know this is a culture that exists long ago in a galaxy far, far away and all that, and it's totally unlike our own in many respects. But how does a legislative body not have any army to back up its decisions? Doesn't that sort of make the entire Phantom Menace pointless? How could the Republic have stopped the Trade Federation from blocking supplies to Naboo when they don't even have a unified military force capable of doing so? Would the planetary systems represented by the senate all have to contribute to any military effort that the senate decides on? No wonder they can't agree on anything.

Distressed Watcher: Rather than exuding the confidence and synchronicity that would reassure Amidala, the two of them bicker like little girls fighting over a dolly.
Obi-Wan Kenobi: We will not exceed our mandate, my young padawan learner.
Anakin Skywalker: I meant that in the interest of protecting her, Master. Of course.
Obi-Wan Kenobi: We will not go through this exercise again, Anakin, and you will pay attention to my lead.
Anakin Skywalker: Why?
Obi-Wan Kenobi: What?
Anakin Skywalker: Why else do you think we were assigned to her if not to find the killer? Protection is a job for local security, not Jedi. It's overkill, Master. Investigation is implied in our mandate.
Obi-Wan Kenobi: We will do exactly as the council has instructed.

Distressed Watcher: [about Anakin] What is with this character? When he was a little kid, he was sickening sacharine. Now he's unbearably whiny and tempremental, which makes no sense at all considering that Jedi training should have the opposite effect.


"The Distressed Watcher: Phantom Menace: Part 3 (#1.6)" (2010)
Distressed Watcher: That's right, a fart joke. That's just what the Star Wars universe needed. Why didn't we have a fart joke sooner? Oh yeah, because it's fucking stupid!

Distressed Watcher: [re: the pod race] If you're a fan of Nascar, you might enjoy it. But if you're a fan of Nascar, then you aren't watching this review anyway, and if you are, you shouldn't be.

Distressed Watcher: Then Qui-Gon gets stabbed. Sad music plays, therefore it's sad.

Distressed Watcher: So, Obi-Wan kills Darth Maul, Queen Amidala captures the ambassadors, the Gungans beat the robots, Anakin is a war hero, Yoda gives Obi-Wan permission to train Anakin and they burn Qui-Gon's useless, fucking body. Then this weird and pointless shit happens. What is that thing? What does it do? Okay, don't explain. Fine. Why would you? You didn't explain anything else.

Distressed Watcher: The only one allowed to react to it is the insipid Jar-Jar, who is portrayed as so cowardly that he would react that way to a butterfly.

Distressed Watcher: Also, if you want the villain to be intimidating and mysterious, try not showing him every ten seconds! We get about three scenes of Darth Sidious in the first 30 minutes of this movie. Why? Isn't he supposed to be the guy pulling the strings behind the scenes? Are we really supposed to see him every ten minutes? Did George Lucas think we'd forget who was behind all this without a constant reminder?

Distressed Watcher: When the pod race is over and Anakin has predictably emerged the victor, Jabba the Hutt has to be woken up. The pod race was so boring to him that he fell asleep. Maybe that's George Lucas' subconscious acknowledgement that this movie and everything about is absurdly dull!

Distressed Watcher: So, Qui-Gon made this bet that if Anakin wins the pod race, he goes free. He is no longer Watto the Jew's slave boy. But Qui-Gon couldn't make the same bargain for Anakin's mother, so she has to stay on Tatooine. It's so sad... wait. Why can't they just come back and get her afterwards? They've got all the resources of the Republic behind them. I mean I know that Republic credits are no good on Tatooine, but other material goods obviously are useful there. Go back and trade a ship for her, or get some gold or whatever the hell is valuable on Tatooine. What's wrong with doing that? It seems like a good idea, doesn't it? It seems like a good idea to me. That way, the most powerful Jedi doesn't, you know, grow up with a grudge against the Jedi order for abandoning his mother to die on a scalding desert planet run by mobsters. Okay, enough of this shit! Let's move on to the "epic" final battle between boring and stupid.

Distressed Watcher: So here's a question, why would you bring a small child into a war zone and then tell him to find a safe place to hide? You know what would have REALLY been a safe place to hide? Not in a fucking war zone!

Distressed Watcher: Another question: how the fuck does this happen?
[Anakin's Naboo fighter spins into the Trade Federation ship's hangar]
Distressed Watcher: Anakin just flies into the enemy ship's docking bay? Isn't there a shield?
Daultay Dofine: Impossible. Nothing can get through our shield.
Distressed Watcher: Okay, there's a shield, but he can get through it. Why? The Force? Did the Medichloreans take out the shield for Anakin?

Distressed Watcher: They could be firing now and now and now and now and now and now.

Distressed Watcher: Let's check in on Jar-Jar. How's he doing? Oh, his bumbling idiocy is actually an advantage. He only accidentally kills enemies, never allies. Good. I'm glad to see that's all working out. Let's check back on Qui-Gon. Yep, he's still dead. Let's check back with Anakin.


"The Distressed Watcher: Attack of the Clones: Part 3 (#1.9)" (2010)
Distressed Watcher: Richard Roeper, or as I like to call him, Not-Siskel said of the film: "it's a lot of fun and there's a lot of great action sequences." Alot of fun, great action sequences? You know, Not-Siskel, it's stuff like this that makes it so apparent that you're not Siskel.

Distressed Watcher: Then this happens, this conveyor belt shit. Who is this for? Adults? No, it couldn't be. Children? Well nothing else in this movie is for children. It's all dry conversations about politics and syrupy romance. Do kids dig that?

Distressed Watcher: God, this looks like a cartoon.

Distressed Watcher: Another difference is that Spider-Man and Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers feature this little known and increasingly obscure cinematic trick called acting. This is a trick by where the actors in the film act as though they are experiencing human emotions in a crass attempt to make the audience identify with the characters. George Lucas is above such petty tricks. He uses actors like they are meant to be used: as vacant-eyed props who generate dialogue in order to facilitate changes in setting. Let us go here for some reason. Wow, it sure is pretty here. Now let us go here for a different reason. Ah yes, this is a desert planet that was popular in previous installments of this franchise. Our research indicates that 68% of our target demographic enjoys this location.

Distressed Watcher: Now let's go here. There will be much action and violence at this location. Our tests have shown that among the 18-25 year old male demographic violence is quite popular.

Distressed Watcher: Needless to say Anakin and Amidala get captured too and then the one funny line in the entire prequel sobba is spoken.
Obi-Wan Kenobi: I was beginning to wonder if you'd got my message.
Anakin Skywalker: I retransmitted it just as you had requested, Master. Then we decided to come and rescue you.
Obi-Wan Kenobi: [looks at his hands still in shackles] Good job.
Distressed Watcher: Oh man, that is classic.

Distressed Watcher: Oh no, a menagerie of unconvincing special effects is going to eat us!

Distressed Watcher: This is what Gladiator would have looked like if Ridley Scott were a 10-year-old on speed and hallucinagens.


"The Distressed Watcher: Phamtom Menace: Part 2 (#1.5)" (2010)
Distressed Watcher: And before you say, "but, T.J., aren't you a sad fanboy yourself?" No! I'm a fucking angry fanboy!

Distressed Watcher: And that's another problem with this movie. Everyone but dumbass Qui-Gon seems to practically know that Anakin is going to grow up to be an evil Sith lord. Qui-Gon is the only one who wants to train the boy. Yoda is against it, Samuel L. Jackson is against it, Obi-Wan is against it, and none of them give a clear cut reason.

Mace Windu: He is too old.
Distressed Watcher: Too old? He's 6! Ten at most. I know that Yoda said Luke was too old in The Empire Strikes Back, but Luke was in his twenties. How young do these fucking Jedi need to start their training? Is the Jedi council abducting babies? If a woman gives birth to a kid with too many... medichloreans, do the Jedi just take it and say, "sorry, lady, but this kid is property of the Galactic Republic. Better luck next time."

Distressed Watcher: Gah! What unmitigated ass! And I haven't gotten to the worst stuff yet. To be continued.

Distressed Watcher: The Phantom Menace isn't even a prequel. It's obviously a story that takes place completely out of canon. The only alternative to that theory is that George Lucas is a complete imbecile with no respect for the continuity of his own creation, and that would be just outrageous!

Distressed Watcher: Science, especially pseudo-science, doesn't belong in a work of escapist fantasy which is what Star Wars is!

Distressed Watcher: Does he sound like Yoda was just his preschool teacher? I can't tell you a correct answer, but I can tell you that it contains the words "fuck" and "no".

Distressed Watcher: C-3PO and R2-D2 don't belong in this movie. In a way, it really is nice to see them again, but their presence there strains all credulity. Would it really be so bad if Lucas had given us essentially the same characters, but name them D2-R2 and D-3CO? Same nostalgic effect, but with no pesky, brain shattering incredulity.


"The Distressed Watcher: Dear George Lucas (#1.3)" (2010)
Distressed Watcher: Dear George Lucas, how you doin'? What you been up to lately? Sell any Princess Leia dart boards lately? Sell any Death Star cookie jars? Sell any Yoda costumes for dogs?

Distressed Watcher: You're making a lot of money these days. That Star Wars really worked out for you. T-shirts, jerseys, bed sheets, busts, comic books, novels, key chains, action figures, calendars, posters, models, buttons, cardboard cut outs, TV shows, video games, hats, cards, board games, and hey, wasn't there even a movie at some point?

Distressed Watcher: The original trilogy sells merchandise because people love it. The prequels sell merchandise because that's what they were designed to do. The prequels are merchandise that we bought because we loved the original Star Wars trilogy, and really, all they are is commercials for yet more merchandise. It's like you specifically redesigned the Star Wars universe as a world that exists to generate concepts for action figures.

Distressed Watcher: You used to understand that films were driven by actors and not by effects. But that George Lucas died somewhere between Return of the Jedi and The Phantom Menace.

Distressed Watcher: The original Star Wars is, with very little serious doubt, one of the greatest film sagas to ever play out on the silver screen. Who could ever forget Luke Skywalker, Han Solo, Princess Leia, Obi-Wan Kenobi, Yoda, Chewbacca, R2-D2, C-3PO, Lando Calrissian, Darth Vader, Boba Fett, Jabba the Hutt, Emperor Palpatine and all the other characters that have populated millions of imaginations for decades?

Distressed Watcher: I'm gonna find out, are they really as bad as so many people think they are?
[clip of Jar Jar saying something stupid]
Distressed Watcher: Okay, the answer is yes, but I'm still gonna review them.

Distressed Watcher: I can understand merchandising the hell out of movies as popular as the Star Wars trilogy. I can understand slapping Luke Skywalker's face on everything from underwear to lunchboxes. What I can't understand, or forgive, is turning the series itself into nothing more than another product.


"The Distressed Watcher: Revenge of the Sith: Part 3 (#1.12)" (2010)
Distressed Watcher: I even love those stupid, fucking Ewoks.

Distressed Watcher: Saying Anakin was good until he became a Sith is like saying that a racist was good until he got around to officially joining the Klan.

Distressed Watcher: The original trilogy gives you reverence for the Jedi. A band of wise warriors and diplomats who look above and beyond the fray of turmoil in this mortal plain of existence.
Obi-Wan 'Ben' Kenobi: For over a thousand generations, the Jedi Knights were the guardians of peace and justice in the Old Republic. Before the dark times. Before the Empire.
Distressed Watcher: The prequels on the other hand make them stuffy bureaucrats squabbling over petty politics. Failing to notice a giant rebellion cooking under their noses. Failing to sense the ominous presence of a Sith lord in their very midst. The Jedi you heard about in the original trilogy are the sort that you imagine living in a monastic temple atop mountain. But no, these Jedi live in but one skyscraper on a planet of skyscrapers. They commune in a sterile room and bicker with one another. They make bad decisions. They don't seem wise.

Distressed Watcher: This is the rape of the Star Wars films that meant so much to me and everyone I knew growing up. This is George Lucas' knife in the backs of those who waited so long to witness the magic once more. This is the breaking of my heart. Fuck you, Star Wars prequels. Fuck you!

Distressed Watcher: In Revenge of the Sith, Anakin Skywalker is a character who goes through no real change. Yes, I know that he goes from Jedi to Sith, but he only has a change in values, not in character. When we first meet him as an adult in Attack of the Clones, he's selfish, controlled by emotion, brutally vengeful, disobedient and filled with discontent. None of that really changes. He was a Sith from the word "go", he just didn't know it until Palpatine softened him up to the concept a little. This is not a fall from grace, it's a piece of a puzzle falling into place.

Distressed Watcher: Everything about the prequels feels hollow and desolate. It's an empty ride with a lot of sound fury, but it signifies nothing. It doesn't do its job. It doesn't give us a new perspective on the original trilogy, it just makes the Star Wars universe a smaller and pettier place. A place where Darth Vader was *never* a good man. And there is no tragedy to his downfall, and therefore no honesty to his redemption.


"Trailer Failure: A Christmas Carol, Spy Next Door and Wolfman (#1.7)" (2009)
The Distressed Watcher: [watching the trailer for A Christmas Carol, as Robert Zemeckis' other director credits fly by] What is this, his fucking resume? Get to the fucking trailer already! I said "fucking" three times now. That's 'cause I'm fucking hard core!

The Distressed Watcher: Does everything have to be in 3D now? It seems like Hollywood will try any gimmick before they resort to actually telling compelling stories with interesting characters.

Boy: Isn't there any other option? Foster care? Juvenile hall?
The Distressed Watcher: Acting class?

Mother: It's not them I'm worried about.
The Distressed Watcher: It's not them I'm worried about, it's your career.

The Distressed Watcher: [laughs] He can't cook breakfast. That's hilarious. Also, I know this is a silly comedy, but how credible is the idea that this character is a super spy who can't read the directions on the back of a packet of oatmeal and he doesn't know that something that is in the oven is gonna be hot to the touch? What is he, an idiot savant functionally retarded, except for he can do things like super spy stuff and karate?

The Distressed Watcher: And it's time once again, boys and girls, for the snide recap! A Christmas Carol, bah humbug. Or, to update that phrase, ah, bullshit; The Spy Next Door needs to move further down the block; The Wolf Man has bark, but I'll bet that it will bite.


"The Distressed Watcher: Attack of the Clones: Part 2 (#1.8)" (2010)
Distressed Watcher: Now watch this scene. It's great. It's actually great.
Governor Sio Bibble: What is your suggestion, Master Jedi?
Padme: [cuts in before Anakin can respond] Oh, Anakin's not a Jedi yet. He's still a padawan learner.
Distressed Watcher: Rejected! Ouch! That's gotta hurt. Oh Anakin? Don't worry about what he thinks. He ain't no fuckin' Jedi. He's just some padawan bitch-ass motherfucking learner. His opinions are worth less than slime.

Distressed Watcher: This worst thing about this thoroughly unconvincing romance is how important it is. This is Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia's mom and dad. This is the story of how Darth Vader became the evil despot that he is, and it's not believeable. Not a moment of it. You couldn't suspend your disbelief with the largest crane on earth. Darth Vader became evil because George Lucas forced two people with no chemistry to pretend to like each other? Luke and Leia were born because someone apparently made these two fuck at gun point?

Padme: Please don't look at me like that.
Anakin Skywalker: Why not?
Padme: It makes me feel uncomfortable.
Distressed Watcher: Rejected!

Distressed Watcher: The only way that I can make this romance work is if I tell myself that Anakin is using the Jedi mind trick on her the whole time. He whips out his cock and waves his hand and says, "this IS the droid you're looking for."

Distressed Watcher: I understand what George Lucas is going for here is the girl who can't admit to herself that she loves the guy, but the audience knows that she does, and then finally she admits it. I know that's what he's going for, but he FAILS so badly! She doesn't seem like she wants him when he's persuing her, and she doesn't seem like she wants him she's with him. It's all chemically dead. There's nothing there. The only reason we believe it's there is because we're told it's there.


"Trailer Failure: Grown Ups, Season of the Witch, and Death at a Funeral (#1.11)" (2009)
The Distressed Watcher: Who were they playing against? Retarded, paralyzed, elderly midget amputees?

The Distressed Watcher: [about Grown Ups] The cast is laughing, but the theater is dead. I still can't believe that audiences actually paid to go see The Blind Side starring Sandra Bullock and random-black-guy, but if audiences actually pay to see this movie then I'm going to build a bomb shelter because the end is certainly nigh.

The Distressed Watcher: It's called A Death at a Funeral and it's a remake of a 2007 British film which was actually released here in America, but didn't do too well. So Hollywood decided to remake it and make it more accessible to American audiences. You know, by making it stupid.

The Distressed Watcher: Her ass doesn't even look that good, okay. It's too small. If you're gonna have two black guys staring at a woman's ass, make it realistic. I've seen the magazines that black guys read and those butts are a lot bigger than the one that I just saw on screen just now. That's like a compromised ass between the white guys who like little, tiny asses and the black guys who like big asses. I like big asses too, so I know.


"The Distressed Watcher: Revenge of the Sith: Part 2 (#1.11)" (2010)
Distressed Watcher: How did this whiny emo kid become a lumbering bad-ass with a permanent asthma inhaler? For that tale, we take you to the planet of Lavatopia. Actually it's called Mustafar, but I like Lavatopia better.

Distressed Watcher: You know how Anakin killed all those children and betrayed his friend and turned to the dark side, all to keep Padme from dying? Well this is the part where after doing all that, he tries to kill her!

Obi-Wan Kenobi: Only a Sith deals in absolutes.
Distressed Watcher: Only a Sith deals in absolutes? Really? Because that's an absolute, so I guess Obi-Wan is a Sith too.

Darth Vader: Noooooooooooooo!
Distressed Watcher: Everyone in the theater laughed at this point. Not exactly the reaction you want for your big, dramatic moment.


"Trailer Failure: The Karate Kid, Marmaduke and Robin Hood (#1.12)" (2009)
The Distressed Watcher: Is this The Karate Kid or is it choreographed dancing; or have the two become one in the same for the sake of this film? Step Up III: The Karate Kid, starring Will Smith's failure to wear a condom and Jackie "anything for a check" Chan. Skip it.

The Distressed Watcher: Our next trailer is for Marmaduke. Because if we know one thing, it's that turning bad Sunday comics into big-budget, Hollywood CG abominations is a recipe for success.

The Distressed Watcher: Oh God, is that Owen Wilson? Remember the time he tried to kill himself; wasn't that great? Hey Owen, better luck next time!


"Trailer Failure: Solomon Kane, Whip It, Serbian Scars, Paranormal Activity, and This Is It (#1.3)" (2009)
The Distressed Watcher: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic... that doesn't seem right. I'm wearing a jacket, I've got a tie, I'm wearing glasses. This is my site, I'm a guy with glasses. That Guy with the Glasses, that sounds like me. Wait a minute, I'm not wearing a hat though, I guess I couldn't be the Nostalgia Critic, I'm not wearing a hat. Maybe I'm Linkara, no, he wears a hat too, doesn't he? He doesn't have a tie. He wears a jacket, though. A lot of people on this site have jackets. Oh, I must be the Distressed Watcher! That guy sucks!

The Distressed Watcher: Time for the SNIDE RECAP! Solomon Kane looks like Lord of the Rings with half the brains and 1/20 of the budget; Whip It is not just the title of Ellen Page's new movie, it's also the philosophy that said movie applies to dead horses with its cliched girl power message; Paranormal Activity looks like fairly normal activity for unoriginal Hollywood studios; Serbian Scars is a cut below the competition; This Is It is missing two letters from its title: an S and an H.