The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
: I was artificially inseminated. James
: Are you a lesbo?
: Okay, if you're the father then maybe you can answer me these questions. What's Mikey's favorite cereal? Albert
: I don't know. James
: Cheerios. How many diapers does he go through a day? About six. Who's his favorite rock star? Michael Jackson. Don't you think a father should know some of these things? Albert
: Okay how much is she paying you? 5 dollars an hour?
[Gives James a 20
: Here go play some video games. James
: Don't give me that shit.
[They start fighting
: Mind if I borrow some of this?
[takes Mikey's bottle and pours the milk into his coffee cup
: Thank a lot, man.
: Hey, you know, that's breast milk. James
: [spits out coffee
] Really, now?
[turns to Mikey
: Why didn't you tell me? Mikey
: Hey, man, you're on your own.
: Whoa! You really got your figure back, didn't you? Mollie
: This is not my figure! James
: Well then, you got Dolly Parton's figure back!
: You don't look so hot. Mollie
: Why don't you try squeezing something the size of a watermelon out of an opening the size of a lemon and see how hot YOU look? James
: Ouch! Guess I'd better call my mother more often!
: Are you thinkin' what I'm thinkin'? Mikey
: Yeah. Lunch!
: Where are the parachutes? James
: Parachutes? There are no parachutes. Mollie
: No parachutes? Didn't you ever see 'Sweet Dreams'? 'The Buddy Holly Story'? 'La Bamba'? James
: There's a big difference. They're, like, rock legends, and we're not.
: It's weird, isn't it? You spend the first nine months trying to get out and the rest of your life trying to get back in.
: Is he yours? James
: Yeah, but they don't know who the real mother is yet.
[Mikey says Daddy
: He- he said Daddy! Mollie
: I think he called you Daddy. Mikey
] No, I'm talking to hear myself say it!
: Look, you gotta use Lamaze. It works. My sister-in-law used it. You don't use drugs, and it's better for the kid. Mollie
: You know, the only people who say stupid things like that are men, because they're idiots!
: Hey, slow down! The first stages of labor can take hours! James
: Yeah, so can the mid-town traffic!
: [returning her purse
] You never look through that thing, do you? Mollie
: Why do you say that? James
: 'Cause you're still carrying around your diaphragm.
: Screwing with the mail is a federal offense. James
: Stealing mail's a federal offense, not screwing with it.
: I teach. Mollie
: What do you teach? Taxi Driver's Ed?
: Don't smoke that around my baby! Don't you know there's a sixty-two percent higher rate of getting cancer for non-smokers who live with smokers? James
: What are you trying to say? You don't want me to move in yet, or what?
: Dr. Spock does not just want to sell a book! Dr. Spock loves us. During the Vietnam War, Dr. Spock was out protesting in the streets! James
: God, I'm sorry I said anything about Dr. Spock, okay.
: I can't believe she's getting that upset about a Vulcan. Big ears, no emotions, right?
[Molly learns to fly
: Oh, what a good sensation! James
: It's like great sex, isn't it? Mollie
: I personally wouldn't remember.
: Oh, baby, I have myself a hot date tonight. Mollie
: You better call your hot date, because I don't know how late I'm going to be. James
] Oh, yeah, right. You're going out with an accountant, right? Mollie
: Yes. James
: Nine-thirty, tops. Mollie
: Don't count on it.
: I don't know who I love. And you know something, it doesn't make any difference, because the only thing that matters to me is who's best for Mikey. And Albert is successful, he's responsible, and he's real good to his *other* kids. James
: I've seen you. I've seen you use Mikey to push other guys away, and now you're doing it to me! That's it! I've had it! Now get out! Mollie
: I live here! James
: I know it!
[pauses, then slams out the door
: You get everything for free. Free long distance phone calls, free lunches. I think you're sort of a scam artist. James
: I know. I got the town wired, don't I? Baby, think about it. If we were poor, we could still live like kings.
: Hey, Gerber Face, high five!
: She called me a big kid. Yeah. She's probably right, too. I mean, you're one year old and probably my best friend in the world.
: I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn't drive the kids crazy.
: [comes home to see a mess
] What happened? James
: Who's Albert? Mollie
: Why, was he here? James
: Is he Mikey's father? Mollie
: What? James
: You lied to me about the artificial insemination crap, didn't you? Mollie
: He was married. I wasn't supposed to tell anyone. James
: Do you love him? Do you? Mollie
: [James turns Mollie around
] What? James
: Do you love him? Mollie
: I don't know. I don't know who I love. And you know something? It doesn't make any difference because all that matters to me is who's best for Mikey. And Albert is successful, responsible, and he's real good to his other kids. James
] I don't want him seeing Mikey anymore. Mollie
: Oh no, now don't start pulling this on me! He's his son and he has a right to see him anytime he wants to! James
: Where the hell has he been all year?
: This has nothing to do with you! YOU are not his father! James
: Well I'm the closest thing that he's got to it. Mollie
: Oh please, look at you. You're like a big kid. Oh what, you really think you're responsible enough to be a father? James
: Responsible? You call getting pregnant by a married guy "responsible?" Oh that's good. Mollie
: Stop it! James
: You stop! Mollie
: YOU stop it! James
: No, you stop! I've seen you. I've seen you use Mikey to push guys away and now you're doing it to me! Now that's it, I've had it! NOW GET OUT! Mollie
: I live here! James
: I know it!
[pauses then leaves
: I see you staring at that. You must be thinking the same way i am. Mikey
: I don't wanna brush my teeth. I brushed them last Saturday! James
: I know, but you're gonna have plants growing out of your mouth.
: Look, they're gonna know my wife put me in this suit. It's the color of poo.
: James. James
: What? Mollie
: Don't tell jokes. James
: I'm funny! Mollie
: You *are* funny, honey, in sort of a... James
: Corny. Mollie
: Corny, kind of funny.
: Most little girls are obsessed with ponies and mermaids, not big sweaty men making jump shots. Should we be worried? Mike! James
: Well, it's the Suns, honey. If it were the Mavericks, I'd be worried.
: Mike, what do you think of this suit? Mikey Ubriacco
: You look like my principal. James
: See? Even he thinks it's stupid. Mollie
: *He* is not offering you a dental plan.
: Honey, this isn't me. I wanna be myself. Mollie
: Okay, you're not gonna get this job if you're yourself.
[Daphne and Rocks are starting at each other
] Julie Ubriacco
: Look! They like each other! James
: [to Mollie
] See honey, they like each other. Daphne
: Mongrel. Rocks
: [after he and James have brought Rocks home and have seen Daphne for the first time
] I like Rocks better... James
: [putting his hand over Mikey's mouth
] A dog! A dog! Finally a dog! We'll playw ith your Rocks later. Mikey Ubriacco
] Okay, no problem Mollie
: As I was just telling Samantha, there's no way we'd take her precious baby away.
[as Samantha leaves room, she grabs James and gives him a suspicious look
: [citing the 'dog school' Daphne attended
] Radcliffe, honey, Radcliffe!
[Rocks and Daphne are staring at each other
] Julie Ubriacco
: Look, they like each other. Daphne
: Mongrel. Rocks
: Bitch. James
: [to Mollie
] See, honey. They like each other.
: Let's see, we've got Schwarzenegger and Betty Boop. Hmm, tough call, they're both really built and they both talk funny.
: Mike, this is a potty okay? Now when you wanna take a piss ... Mollie Ubriacco
: Don't say piss. James Ubriacco
: Okay, when you wanna take a whiz ... Mollie Ubriacco
: Ugh! James Ubriacco
: What? "See a man about a horse"? "Drain the snake"? What do you want me to say? Mollie Ubriacco
: Pee-pee. James Ubriacco
: Pee-pee is such a wimp word.
: See, Mikey, Mommy is a girl so she doesn't have a penis. James Ubriacco
: But she's got some set of balls!
: Why is it that every time drink out of the milk carton, I get a lecture, but Travis Bickle moves in with a semi-automatic weapon, and it's okay? Mollie Ubriacco
: A little unloaded gun makes him feel better. James Ubriacco
: Makes him feel better? Why doesn't he go to the top of the Empire State Building and shoot student nurses? Maybe that'll make him feel better. Mollie Ubriacco
: This is New York. Women carry unloaded guns in their purses.
: When you wanna take a pee-pee okay you do it in here and you just do this, you take it out
[Pretends to unzip his fly
] Mollie Ubriacco
: Oh come on James Ubriacco
: What? Mikey
: Dad, who's kidding who huh? James Ubriacco
: And the same token, when you wanna take a dump Mollie Ubriacco
: Poo-poo Mikey
: This is a joke right? James Ubriacco
: I know it sounds disgusting Mike but you know you gotta trust me on this okay Mikey
: Let me get this straight you want me to take a dump outside my diaper?
: [to Mikey and Julie
] I miss you guys so much.
[James hugs Mikey
: Ieuw... male bonding makes me sick.
: He has to go to bed early tonight because I'm taking him to baby gym tomorrow. James Ubriacco
: Oh not baby gym! Mollie Ubriacco
: He needs to socialize with other kids. James Ubriacco
: Well take him to the park. Mollie Ubriacco
: I'm not taking him to the park anymore! Do you know what he did today? He picked up a crack pipe! James Ubriacco
: Well throw it out. Mollie Ubriacco
: Do you have any idea how many disease he could get from that?
: Mommy is a girl, so I don't have a penis. James Ubriacco
: But she's got some set of balls. Mollie Ubriacco
: But Daddy is a big... Mikey