Doc Bergman
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Quotes for
Doc Bergman (Character)
from "Hawaii Five-O" (1968)

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"Hawaii Five-0: Ike Maka (#2.9)" (2011)
Officer Lori Weston, Danny 'Danno' Williams: [Danny and Steve notice Lori walking by looking like Sandy from Grease, and race after] Excuse me. Excuse me. Hey, hey! What the hell are you wearing? I wholeheartedly approve. I'm just curious.
Officer Lori Weston: It's theme movie night at Max's. We're all invited.
Danny 'Danno' Williams: I wasn't invited.
Steve McGarrett: I wasn't invited either.
Officer Lori Weston: Oh, yes, you were. See?
[She pulls out her phone and shows Max's email invite]
Steve McGarrett, Danny 'Danno' Williams: Max is Doc@spacetrekkie?
Officer Lori Weston: Yeah. It's his personal email.
Danny 'Danno' Williams: It's a little too personal. I thought it was spam.
Steve McGarrett: Me too. I just - that's why...
Danny 'Danno' Williams: I knew this was your fault.
Steve McGarrett: What are you talking about? This is why he's been acting so crazy. Why's it my fault?
Danny 'Danno' Williams: It's your fault. Because I'm not good with the emails.
Steve McGarrett: [Max comes around the corner portraying Danny of Grease] Max, I'm sorry we didn't respond to your invitation.
Dr. Max Bergman: Lori.
[He holds his arm for her to take]
Officer Lori Weston: [Linking her arm with Max's] Ha-ha-ha. Tell me about it, Stud.
[They walk away arm in arm as Danny and Steve stare in disbelief]

Dr. Max Bergman: No wallet was found on the victim though. So I am attempting to -
[Notices Steve and Danny]
Dr. Max Bergman: How nice of you to arrive.
Steve McGarrett: Max, you - you okay? Something wrong?
Dr. Max Bergman: As I was saying, I'm attempting to get his fingerprints. But it seems all of his fingerprints have been sanded off. So we will have to find another way to identify him.

Dr. Max Bergman: Yes. I was able to recover a 9mm bullet from our victim's thorasic cavity, and send it over to ballistics.
Steve McGarrett: Okay, were they able to find a match?
[Max is ignoring Steve and Danny]
Officer Lori Weston: ...Did they, uh, find a match, Max?
Dr. Max Bergman: Unfortunately, the search for a match proved unsuccessful.

Officer Lori Weston: Great. Thanks, Max.
Steve McGarrett: Thanks Max.
Dr. Max Bergman: [Ignoring Steve] You're welcome, Agent Weston. Anything to help a friend.
Danny 'Danno' Williams: [Max walks between Steve and Danny, ignoring them]
[Danny to Steve]
Danny 'Danno' Williams: What did you do to him?
Steve McGarrett: I'm sorry. What did I - ? Why me?
Danny 'Danno' Williams: Well, he's obviously upset about something.
Steve McGarrett: Evidently. You automatically assume it's me. That's ridiculous.
Danny 'Danno' Williams: Well, I know it wasn't me.
Steve McGarrett: You offend more people than I offend.
Danny 'Danno' Williams: I don't think that's true.
Officer Lori Weston: [Trying to interrupt them] Guys. I'm gonna have to give you a timeout. Let's get out of here. We got a murderer to catch. Come on.

Steve McGarrett: Max, I'm sorry we didn't respond to your invitation.
Dr. Max Bergman: [Offering his arm to Lori] Lori.
Officer Lori Weston: [Lori laughs and takes Max's arm] Tell me about it, stud.

"Hawaii Five-0: Mea Makamae (#2.4)" (2011)
Danny 'Dan-o' Williams: Max, you need a hand?
Dr. Max Bergman: Thank you. But it is against protocol for anyone but the ME to handle the remains.
Danny 'Dan-o' Williams: NO, I don't want to help. There's actually a hand - right there
[Danny points to a hand to the side]
Danny 'Dan-o' Williams: If you want to - need a hand?
Dr. Max Bergman: Very humorous.

Joe White: You need a paperbag or something?
Dr. Max Bergman: Oh. I'm sorry. It's just - this place is like my Graceland.
Joe White: Okay. But no souveinirs.

"Hawaii Five-0: Palekaiko (#1.11)" (2010)
Kono Kalakaua: [Max is tuning his piano, and cannot hear Kono and Chin enter the room] Sounds like he's torturing a walrus.
Chin Ho Kelly: Max! Max!
Dr. Max Bergman: Oh, yes. Oh, Hi. Uh... The room gets extremely cold which causes the soundboard to expand and contract, which causes the pitch to be off-key. I had a piano tuner, but, uh, he liked to chat. It was emotionally draining.

Chin Ho Kelly: Okay. How are you putting this all together?
Dr. Max Bergman: Ah. Well, in my spare time, I contribute to an online community devoted to unsolved homicides.
Kono Kalakaua: So you work with dead bodies all day and your hobby is dead bodies?
Dr. Max Bergman: I also make pickles. It's a good way to reuse specimen jars.

"Hawaii Five-0: Ka Iwi Kapu (#2.7)" (2011)
Dr. Max Bergman: Well, I have some good news and... weird news. Take a look at this. See the marks under her right eye - fingerprint bruising.
Steve McGarrett: Okay, he grabbed her face.
Dr. Max Bergman: Exactly, and when he did that, he very kindly left a print.
[Max holds up a pair of glasses]
Dr. Max Bergman: A nice one on the right lens. I ran it through the system, and found a match. A man by the name of Greg Straithan.
Danny 'Danno' Williams: Nice work, Max. I'm impressed.
Dr. Max Bergman: Now the weird news: our suspect, Greg Straithan... is dead.

"Hawaii Five-0: Ha'i'ole (#2.1)" (2011)
Chin Ho Kelly: Okay I'm driving.
Dr. Max Bergman: Actually I'm enjoying myself. Besides if I don't drive I get car sick.
Chin Ho Kelly: [Hangs his head] Fine, just don't get pulled over!

"Hawaii Five-0: Ua helele'i ka hoku (#5.21)" (2015)
Lou Grover: [Standing over the body of an Elvis impersonator] The king is dead. Again.
[Max and Steve give him a look]
Lou Grover: C'mon, man, somebody had to say it.
Steve McGarrett: Alright, Max, tell us exactly what happened.
Dr. Max Bergman: Well, a few months ago, Jerry invited me to attend the convention with him. He already had his Elvis costume, so I decided to go as Presley's long time manager, Colonel Tom Parker.
Steve McGarrett: Can you skip ahead to the part where this guy died?

"Hawaii Five-0: Ne Me'e Laua Na Paio (#1.19)" (2011)
Steve McGarrett: [At the scene of the victim dressed up as a super hero] Alright, let me guess. This guy thought he could fly.
Dr. Max Bergman: Ah. A common misconception. Although Captain Fallout dons a cape, he is not capable of actual flight. Merely super human leaping abilities.
Steve McGarrett: Max. Who's Captain Fallout?
Dr. Max Bergman: The fearless leader of the Wonder Seven.
[At Steve and Danny's blank looks, he explains]
Dr. Max Bergman: He acquired his powers when he was attacked by one of Hitler's radioactive German shepherds during the Battle of the Bulge.
[Steve and Danny still show no recognition]
Dr. Max Bergman: Huh? Wow. You guys need to brush up on your classics.
Danny 'Danno' Williams: No, no, no. We don't need to brush up on anything. You need to bring us all back to reality, here on Earth, and answer the obvious question of why this took a dive wearing tights.

"Hawaii Five-0: Lekio (#2.18)" (2012)
Danny 'Danno' Williams: Okay. First of all, please slow down.
[Steve is driving Danny's car at speed with Max in the back seat]
Danny 'Danno' Williams: Okay? We don't even know which way they went.
Steve McGarrett: This road is the only way out of the marina.
[He swerves in and out of traffic]
Danny 'Danno' Williams: Easy. Please. Easy, Speed Racer, huh?
Dr. Max Bergman: Actually, this vehicle was engineered to be driven in this manner.
Danny 'Danno' Williams: Could you stop, Max? You're not helping!

"Hawaii Five-0: A'ohe Kahi e Pe'e Ai (#5.1)" (2014)
Lou Grover: [the Five-O team is accompanying McGarrett as he sits in a wheel chair being pushed by Danny, leaving the hospital after being shot] You know, you oughta look into whether they got some kind of a loyalty program. Like they'll give you a card, then every fifth bullet extraction is free. Heh heh.
Dr. Max Bergman: Well, I'm certain that such a program doesn't exist, Captain.
Chin Ho Kelly: I believe he was joking, Max.
Dr. Max Bergman: Ah. I can see how that was an attempt at humor.
Lou Grover: Oh, keep it up, wise guy. You might see an attempt at murder.
Kono Kalakaua: Lou, he wasn't being rude. He's just Max. And you'll learn that.
Danny 'Danno' Williams: You know, that reminds me, Max. It's been killing me all day. What did you tell your new protégé about me?
Dr. Max Bergman: I beg your pardon?
Danny 'Danno' Williams: You said you gave her a head's up. Head's up about what? What did you say?
Dr. Max Bergman: Ah, yes. I just explained to Dr. Shaw that Commander McGarrett is the leader of Five-O and that you're his deeply cynical, misanthropic, short-tempered partner.
Danny 'Danno' Williams: What?
Lou Grover: You know, I think I see what you mean about him.
Dr. Max Bergman: Now, Dr. Shaw agreed with my assessment. However, she did think you were cute.
Steve McGarrett: Hey!
[Lifts his right fist for a bump with Danny]
Danny 'Danno' Williams: Aha! Well, she's got a point, right? I can live with that.
Kamekona: [Kamekona and Flippa come around the corner to present Steve with a shrimp meal and Get Well balloons] What? Brother, I thought you were shot!
Steve McGarrett: I was. In my thigh.
Flippa: Your thigh. That don't count.
Danny 'Danno' Williams: For you? No, for you, it would not.
Kamekona: I though you was down for the count. I brought you some garlic shrimp and some balloons.
[Pan to silver balloon that says, Get Bettah, and a yellow one with Kamekona's face on it]
Steve McGarrett: Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you. Maybe next time, they can hit a vital organ.
[Steve grabs the bag of food and balloon ribbons in consternation]
Kamekona: We be back.
Jerry Ortega: [Jerry is standing at his bright green van, holding crutches for Steve] Your chariot awaits, brave warrior.
Danny 'Danno' Williams: All right.
Steve McGarrett: Thanks, Jerry.
[Steve grabs the crutches and Jerry holds the bag of food and balloons as Steve gets into the back seat]

"Hawaii Five-O: No Bottles... No Cans... No People (#4.2)" (1971)
Det. Steve McGarrett: [McGarrett wants an ID on Peter Yano's body] I want an ID, Doc... And I want it fast.
Doc: It won't be easy.
Det. Steve McGarrett: Well, you're always telling us you're the best... Prove it.

"Hawaii Five-0: Kame'e (#2.3)" (2011)
Dr. Max Bergman: Do you have any extenuating evidence that might suggest that this might not be a suicide?
Steve McGarrett: No.
Dr. Max Bergman: Okay, well, then I'm going to need a little bit more than that in order to reopen the case. Considering that my *boss*, the Senior Medical Examiner was the one who performed the autopsy. There is an unwritten rule that you don't mess with the boss's toe tags.

"Hawaii Five-0: Wahine'inoloa (#3.8)" (2012)
Kono Kalakaua: So he was shot, burned and hit by a car. This guy's having a great day.
Maui PD Lieutenant Kala: We got metal detectors out in the field and picked up a 9 mm shell casing.
Dr. Max Bergman: But that's not all.
Kono Kalakaua: Please don't tell me he was poisoned or stabbed.

"Hawaii Five-0: Alaheo Pau'ole (#2.12)" (2011)
Steve McGarrett: What's the situation, Kono?
Kono Kalakaua: Couple of kids broke into one of the bunkers to explore a lava tube. And they found a body.
Danny 'Danno' Williams: What happened to skateboarding and stickball?
Kono Kalakaua: [Kono gets pulled away by another officer]
[to the Five-0 team]
Kono Kalakaua: Go ahead. Max is inside.
Danny 'Danno' Williams: [They enter the bunker] There's the hole.
Chin Ho Kelly: This whole valley has hundreds of these unexplored lava tubes.
Danny 'Danno' Williams: I'm thinking there's a reason they're unexplored.
Dr. Max Bergman: [Max pops up wearing a headlamp] Actually...
[Startles Steve, who shines his handheld flashlight onto Max]
Dr. Max Bergman: This system has been explored, just not mapped by the Underground Paradise Spelunking Club, of which I am a founding member and treasurer.
Danny 'Danno' Williams: Oh. Well, thank you, Captain Caveman.
Chin Ho Kelly: That looks deep.
Dr. Max Bergman: I estimate the floor to be at a depth of 30 meters.
Danny 'Danno' Williams: Thirty meters. Well, this definitely looks like a job for a Navy SEAL.
[Danny shines the flashlight on Steve's face as Steve is unpacking his climbing gear that he brought in a duffel bag]
Dr. Max Bergman: Well, I took the liberty of anchoring our rappel line.
Steve McGarrett: You wanna come down there with me?
Dr. Max Bergman: Oh, absolutely. Let's spelunk.

"Hawaii Five-0: Na Pilikua Nui (#6.6)" (2015)
Dr. Max Bergman: [after giving Steve and Danny a rundown on the victims while in full costume] I am just perplexed at your apparent lack of curiosity regarding my costume.
Danny 'Danno' Williams: You're wearing a costume?
Dr. Max Bergman: Ah! There it is. A pithy retort laced with just a hint of condescension. Order is restored.

"Hawaii Five-0: Kanalua (#3.2)" (2012)
Dr. Max Bergman: Gentlemen.
Danny 'Danno' Williams: Peg Leg.
Dr. Max Bergman: A peg leg is a prosthesis often made of wood and portrayed in pirate movies. A cane, such as the one I'm using is a mobility aid. And ballistic trauma is not something to be making fun of, Detective Williams.
Danny 'Danno' Williams: I knew I should have just said hello.

"Hawaii Five-0: Lapa'au (#2.8)" (2011)
Dr. Max Bergman: I would like a shrimp-flavored tofu special, please.
Kamekona: Only thing special about that order, no one but *you* orders it.

"Hawaii Five-0: Nalowale (#1.5)" (2010)
Steve McGarrett: You could have told this on the phone.
M.E. Max Bergman: I don't trust phones.

"Hawaii Five-0: Ka Hakaka Maika'i (#2.6)" (2011)
Dr. Max Bergman: So his opponent, it says in his statistics here that he's 21-8 with 13 TKOs. What's a TKO?
Chin Ho: It means that 13 of his opponents were unable to continue fighting him.
Dr. Max Bergman: So that's a good thing then.
Kamekona: Not for McGarrett.