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Quotes for
Officer Dan (Character)
from "Married with Children" (1987)

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"Married with Children: I Want My Psycho Dad (#9.13)" (1994)
Al: Here we are, boys. City of brotherly love.
Jefferson: No, that's Philadelphia.
Al: Well, what's Washington?
Officer Dan: A team without a quarterback.

Officer Dan: [gunfire has erupted outside NOMA'AM's hotel room and Officer Dan has returned fire] Damn postal workers!

Officer Dan: Jefferson said he could get us in, and you gotta trust a guy who is named after a president.
Ike: [to Jefferson] I thought you were named after Sherman Hemsley.

"Married with Children: The Agony and the Extra C (#10.18)" (1996)
Officer Dan: [dancing on stage at the Jiggly Room] Hey, look at me! I'm a Village Person!

Al Bundy: Jefferson, we are all taking you out today to celebrate your wedding anniversary since you don't work.
Jefferson D'Arcy: So, how come you guys are not at work?
Al Bundy, Griff, Bob Rooney, Ike: We're sick.
Officer Dan: Except for me. I'm working.
Police Dispatcher: All units, all units, report to city hall. The mayor has been taken hostage by a group of...
Officer Dan: [turns off his radio] Blah, blah, blah, shut up!

Sierra Madre: I just had a thought. Why don't you get a tattoo? I once got my boyfriend's name tattooed on me for his birthday.
Officer Dan: I don't see any tattoo.
Sierra Madre: Here, I'll show you. Gather around...
[all the men gather around Sierra Madre, and they all suddenly yell and gasp]
Ike: Oh boy, I'd love to be her boyfriend.
Griff: I'd love to be her boyfriend's name.

"Married with Children: No Ma'am (#8.9)" (1993)
Al: Officer Dan, where were you last week when I was mugged outside my store?
Officer Dan: Where were YOU last week when *I* was mugged outside your store?

Officer Dan: Hey, aren't you Jerry Springer, the "masculine feminist"?
Jerry Springer: Yes, I am.
Officer Dan: Tie him back up. I hate that guy.

"Married with Children: Get Outta Dodge (#8.18)" (1994)
Officer Dan: Somebody call the police? We got a call about a shooting.
Al: I did, but I lied. See, I need someone to guard the Dodge, and a cop is cheaper than a Doberman.
Officer Dan: [to criminal, unlocking his cuffs] Excuse me, I may need both hands to pound this guy to hash. But if you ever take a shot at my partner again, you're going in.

Al: But you don't understand, I've got a terrible feeling something's going to happen to my Dodge!
Officer Dan: Al, we've known each other, what? Seven, eight years? I've arrested you, what? Eleven or twelve times? You're a load in my pants, you know that, Al? No one wants your crummy car. No one even believes this house is occupied! Now, either go to bed, or let me blow you away so I can go to bed!
[He reaches into his holster, and pulls out a donut]
Officer Dan: On second thought, I gotta go. I might have left something at the donut shop.

"Married with Children: I Can't Believe It's Butter (#10.14)" (1995)
Jefferson D'Arcy: Hey guys, since our wives are downtown feeding Christmas dinners for the homeless, shouldn't we be at the nudie bar feeding dollars to the topless?
Al Bundy: Great idea. To the nudie bar.
Bob Rooney: Where Christmas is nice...
Al Bundy: And lap dances are half-price.
Al Bundy, Griff, Jefferson D'Arcy, Bob Rooney, Ike, Officer Dan: At the nudie bar!
Ike: Where you drink down the shooters...
Officer Dan: And unwrap the hooters.
Al Bundy, Griff, Jefferson D'Arcy, Bob Rooney, Ike, Officer Dan: At the nudie bar!
Jefferson D'Arcy: Where eggnog's a plenty...
Griff: And the girls are all 20.
Al Bundy, Griff, Jefferson D'Arcy, Bob Rooney, Ike, Officer Dan: At the nudie bar!

"Married with Children: Kelly's Gotta Habit (#11.3)" (1996)
Officer Dan: [gun drawn] Freeze, bitches!
Kelly Bundy: I haven't thought about men once, I swear!
Officer Dan: Damn! I always get this place confused with the crack house.

"Married with Children: The Legend of Ironhead Haynes (#8.23)" (1994)
Al: What we need to do is find someone who can tell us how to fight this insanity.
Roger: That's right. We need a man's man.
Bob Rooney: Someone who always calls his own shots.
Jefferson D'Arcy: A leader to lead us through the 90's.
Officer Dan: A man among men.
Bob Rooney, Roger, Barney, Officer Dan: Ironhead Haynes!
Jefferson D'Arcy: Who's Ironhead Haynes?
Al: The gruffest, toughest man to ever graduate from Polk High.
Roger: He had a beard in the 7th Grade, and a wife.
Officer Dan: Took out his own appendix with a Pocket Fisherman's knife.
Al: He could have been a great football player for Polk High. But he refused to take off his spurs.
Jefferson D'Arcy: We wore cowboy boots while playing football?
Al: No boots. Just spurs.

"Married with Children: A Man for No Seasons (#9.11)" (1994)
Al: Officer Dan, I confess to killing a bunch of people and... eating them.
Officer Dan: Nice try, Al. If that's really true, they you've already had your ribs.

"Married with Children: Turning Japanese (#10.21)" (1996)
Iqbal: Officer's Dan and Stan, what can I do for you?
Officer Dan: We got a call about an indecent sex act being performed here on-stage.
Iqbal: I assure you officers, I do not allow or have indecent sex acts in my establishment.
Officer Dan: Then get one!
Officer stan: We didn't ditch that drug stakeout for nothing.