Bernadette Rostenkowski
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Quotes for
Bernadette Rostenkowski (Character)
from "The Big Bang Theory" (2007)

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"The Big Bang Theory: The Closet Reconfiguration (#6.19)" (2013)
Howard Wolowitz: What are you guys doing here?
Leonard Hofstadter: When you left you weren't sure whether or not you wanted to know what was in your Dad's letter so we came up with kind of a cool solution.
Howard Wolowitz: Oh yeah, what's that?
Sheldon Cooper: It's simple really. It occurred to me that knowing and not knowing can be achieved by creating a macroscopic example of quantum superposition. The principle that a physical system exists partially in all of its possible states at once.
Penny: We were all thinking it, really. Kind of the elephant in the room.
Sheldon Cooper: Anyway, um, I realized if we each present you with an account of what your father wrote to you, only one of which is true, and we don't tell you which one it is, you will be forever in a state of epistemic ambivalence.
Penny: Yeah. And he said if it wasn't epistemic, we might as well not even do it.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Sit down, honey.
Leonard Hofstadter: Raj, you're up.
Raj Koothrappali: It was a card for your eighteenth birthday. Inside it said: Happy Birthday Howard. I love you, Dad. Oh, and it was a Far Side card, The one where the frog had his tongue stuck to the underside of an airplane. Thinks it's a fly. Silly frog. So funny.
Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon.
Sheldon Cooper: It was a map leading to the lost treasure of famous pirate One-eyed Willy.
Howard Wolowitz: That's fine. That's the plot for The Goonies.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Told you.
Sheldon Cooper: Don't.

[first lines]
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Wha'cha doing?
Howard Wolowitz: You said clean up. I'm cleaning up.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: You can't just throw everything in the closet.
Howard Wolowitz: Hey, you can tell me what to do, or you can tell me how to do it, but you can't do both; this isn't sex.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: What if someone looks in there?
Howard Wolowitz: They're just coming over for dinner. No-one's going to look in the closet.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: You don't know that. What if someone's looking for the bathroom and they open that door?
Howard Wolowitz: Could work out. For all we know, there's a toilet in there somewhere.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Fine, but after tonight we need to get a handle on this mess.
Howard Wolowitz: Y'know what we should do, we should show the closet to Sheldon.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Hm, why?
Howard Wolowitz: Are you kidding? He's like a savant at organizing. Did you know *everything* in his apartment has a label on it. Including his label-maker which has a label that says 'label-maker'. And, if you look really close at that label-maker label, you'll see a label that says 'label'.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Can't do that. We can't just ask him to straighten our closet.
Howard Wolowitz: No, we wouldn't *ask* him. We'd just show him the closet and let the goblins in his head take it from there.

Bernadette Rostenkowski: Sheldon, I know tonight's the night you eat Thai food so I went to the Asian market, got all the ingredients, made it from scratch.
Sheldon Cooper: Ohh, you shouldn't have.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Oh, it's my pleasure.
Sheldon Cooper: No, you really shouldn't have.
[holds up bag of takeout food]
Sheldon Cooper: I brought my own.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: You stopped and got him takeout?
Leonard Hofstadter: I had no choice. He kept kicking the back of my seat.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Sheldon, I've been cooking all day.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, now don't you feel silly.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: [to Howard] Show him the closet!

Leonard Hofstadter: Amy.
Amy Farrah Fowler: You didn't know it, but your father was in the auditorium at your high school graduation and he cried because he was so proud of you.
Howard Wolowitz: Really?
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, that's complete poppycock which Amy made that up and it could still be the map.
Leonard Hofstadter: Penny.
Penny: It was a letter explaining that your Dad wasn't who he said was. Eventually his other life caught up to him and the only way to keep you and your Mom safe was to leave.
Sheldon Cooper: I would like to change mine. The pirate's name was Peg Leg Antoine. Now it's completely different from Goonies.
Amy Farrah Fowler: No it's not.
Sheldon Cooper: Don't.
Leonard Hofstadter: OK, my turn. Your Dad wrote about how family is the most important thing and that you should never throw it away like he did.
Howard Wolowitz: Hm.
Leonard Hofstadter: Bernadette.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Inside the envelope was a picture of your Dad holding you the day you were born. On the back he wrote: Howard, my son, my greatest gift.
[Howard gets up and walks away]
Bernadette Rostenkowski: You okay?
Howard Wolowitz: Yeah. I'm terrific.
Sheldon Cooper: So? Which one do you think it is, matey?
Howard Wolowitz: Actually I don't want to know. I want all of them to be true.
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, one of them is.
Howard Wolowitz: That is pretty cool. Thank you, guys.

Sheldon Cooper: Surprisingly, uh, the letter from your father wasn't the most interesting thing I read in the closet. Bernadette's diary has some saucy passages.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Sheldon, don't you dare!
Sheldon Cooper: Well, yuh-yuh, there's nothing to worry about; your secret's safe with me.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: That's more like it.
Sheldon Cooper: [to Howard] Although copyright law would allow me to quote snippets in the context of a review.

Howard Wolowitz: It's kind of ridiculous having to walk all those flights of stairs.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Try doing it in heels.
Howard Wolowitz: I am.

Bernadette Rostenkowski: There's something I have to tell you.
Howard Wolowitz: What?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I know what was in your dad's letter.
[realizing who told her, he storms into the apartment]
Howard Wolowitz: Sheldon, I swear to god I'm gonna kill you!

Bernadette Rostenkowski: I made him tell us.
Howard Wolowitz: Us? Who else knows?
Penny: I know.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Me, too.
Leonard Hofstadter: Same here.
Raj Koothrappali: Shame on all of you!
Leonard Hofstadter: You know, too.
Raj Koothrappali: Couldn't leave him one friend, could you?

"The Big Bang Theory: The Engagement Reaction (#4.23)" (2011)
Howard Wolowitz: Mom also had just gotten some news that might've upset her.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: What?
Howard Wolowitz: It's not important.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Come on, Howard, I'm going to be your wife. You can share anything with me.
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, you'd think that, but no.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: You told her we were going to get married and she had a heart attack?
Howard Wolowitz: You can't take that personally.
Penny: How else is she supposed to take it?
Howard Wolowitz: What you've gotta keep in mind is that ever since my dad left, I've been the whole world to my mother. I mean, she'd be threatened by any woman who can give me what she can't.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: You mean sexual intercourse?
Howard Wolowitz: Well, when you say it like that, you make it sound creepy.
[Priya and Raj enter]
Priya Koothrappali: What happened?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Howard's mother had a heart attack because I have sex with him and she can't!

Howard Wolowitz: Can I see her?
Dr. Bernstein: Well, actually, she said, and I quote, she'd like to see the "little Catholic girl" first.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Me? Why me?
Howard Wolowitz: Jews have been asking that for centuries; there's no real good answer.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Okay, well, wish me luck.
Howard Wolowitz: Don't worry, you'll be fine. Let's just hide Mr. Cross. If it touches her, it burns.
Dr. Bernstein: You brought a Catholic girl home to your mother?
Howard Wolowitz: Yeah.
Dr. Bernstein: Why don't I write you a prescription for Xanax?

Bernadette Rostenkowski: You're a putz! You know what that means?
Howard Wolowitz: Yeah, do you?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Your mother just taught it to me. She thinks she got food poisoning from that deli and she just wanted to make sure I was okay.
Howard Wolowitz: And are you?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: No, because I'm engaged to a putz!

Bernadette Rostenkowski: [about Mrs. Wolowitz] She said I'm a wonderful girl and that you're lucky to have me.
Howard Wolowitz: Where are you going?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: [sounding like Mrs. Wolowitz] To the toilet! Is that okay with you!
[she exits]
Howard Wolowitz: [to Raj and Leonard] Is it just me or does she sound sexy when she's angry?

Penny: Hey, do me a favor and take table 7?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: You mean the one with my 118-pound rock-hard stud of a fiancé who's prone to canker sores and pinkeye?
Penny: No, I prefer to look at it as the one with my ex-boyfriend and his gorgeous, successful, sophisticated girlfriend who makes me feel like a toothless Okie.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Do you want me to spill hot soup on her?
Penny: Oh please, you're not that kind of person.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I know. But if she orders something low-fat, I'll totally give her the full-fat version.

[Sheldon has accidentally drunk out of Leonard's water glass]
Sheldon Cooper: The backwash into this glass is every pathogen that calls your mouth "home sweet home." Not to mention the visitors who arrive on the dancing tongue of your subtropical girlfriend.
Raj Koothrappali: Hey! That's my sister and my country you're talking about! Leonard may have defiled one, but I won't have you talking smack about the other!
Bernadette Rostenkowski: You guys ready to order?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes. I'd like a seven-day course of penicillin, some syrup of ipecac to induce vomiting, and a mint.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I don't understand.
Howard Wolowitz: He drank from Leonard's glass.
Sheldon Cooper: "He drank from Leonard's glass." Words they'll be carving into my tombstone.

Leonard Hofstadter: What did your mother say when you told her you were getting married?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: He hasn't told her yet; he's waiting for the right time.
Howard Wolowitz: Yeah, I was thinking of weaving it into her eulogy.
Priya Koothrappali: Howard, you've got to tell your mother!
Howard Wolowitz: [about Leonard] Hey, have you told your parents you're dating this short glass of skim milk yet?
Priya Koothrappali: Uh, that's different. First of all, we're not engaged. And second, Indian parents are very protective of their children.
Howard Wolowitz: Right, right. Whereas Jewish mothers take a casual la-di-da approach to their sons.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Workplace Proximity (#7.5)" (2013)
Sheldon Cooper: [knock knock knock] Amy-Bernadette-Penny.
[knock knock knock]
Sheldon Cooper: Amy-Bernadette-Penny.
[knock knock knock]
Sheldon Cooper: Amy-Bernadette-Penny.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: He's never going to stop doing that, is he?
Amy Farrah Fowler: I don't mind. I'm hoping to put his love of repetition to good use some day.

Howard Wolowitz: My point is I'm sure there are things about me that would drive you crazy if you had to deal with them all day long.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Like looking me in the eye and lying to me?
Howard Wolowitz: Well, uh, come on, I mean where am I supposed to look when I lie to you?

Bernadette Rostenkowski: I may have over-reacted
Howard Wolowitz: Well, yeah, well. I didn't handle it so great either.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Just sometimes I feel like you enjoy spending time with your friends more than with me.
Howard Wolowitz: That's not true.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: It's not? You spend all day together at work and then you all hang out at night playing games, going to the comic book store. Last week you two got a couple's massage. You said you wouldn't want to spend that much time with me, it really hurt my feelings.
Howard Wolowitz: Oh wow, yeah, I get that. I'm so sorry. Starting tomorrow I am turning over a new leaf. Being with you is my number one priority.

Bernadette Rostenkowski: I'm not apologizing to Howard. He can come begging on his knees.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon too. If I see him at work I'm just going to ignore him.

Sheldon Cooper: [Knock, knock, knock] . Amy, Bernadette, Penny.
[Knock, knock, knock]
Sheldon Cooper: . Amy, Bernadette, Penny.
[Knock, knock, knock]
Sheldon Cooper: . Amy, Bernadette, Penny.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: He's not going to stop doing that, is he?
Amy Farrah Fowler: I don't mind. I'm hoping to put his love of repetition to good use some day.

Sheldon Cooper: That was before Howard explained to me how awful it would be if he had to work with his significant other.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: He said what?
Sheldon Cooper: Oh don't be insulted. He just thinks too much of you would be mind-numbingly tedious.

Bernadette Rostenkowski: Well?
Howard Wolowitz: Okay, fine. I did say that, and I think it's true. I think if we work together and live together, we'd get sick of each other.
Sheldon Cooper: Yeah, but to be fair, he only said the part about him getting sick of you.
Howard Wolowitz: [angrily] For the love of God, why?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: [Sheldon awkwardly heads towards Leonard and Raj on the couch] What exactly do you think you'd get sick of?
Raj Koothrappali: [speaking quietly to Leonard] His only options here are to fake a heart attack or have a real one.
Howard Wolowitz: It's nothing in particular. I...
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Is it my voice? Am I too bossy?
Howard Wolowitz: [he rubs his right arm] My arm is feeling numb.
Leonard Hofstadter: [to Raj] Nailed it.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: That's the wrong arm for a heart attack, Doofus.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Wildebeest Implementation (#4.22)" (2011)
Amy Farrah Fowler: How do you feel about concealing a recording device in the cleavage of your ample bosom?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I don't want anything in my ample bosom.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Come on, Strawberries. Take one for the team.

Amy Farrah Fowler: Until I met you and Bernadette, my trips to the bathroom had been entirely focused on elimination. Now, they have a delightful social aspect.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Amy, you must have been in the bathroom with other women before.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Of course I have. But, they were strangers and seemed off-put when I engaged in friendly stall-to-stall chit chat.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Some women don't like to get chummy when their panties are down.

Bernadette Rostenkowski: Did I tell you Priya invited me and Howard to have dinner with her and Leonard?
Penny: Oh, that's nice.
Amy Farrah Fowler: No it's not. It's a strategic maneuver. Leonard's new girlfriend is testing Bernadette's loyalty to you and the group. That bitch is crafty.

Amy Farrah Fowler: How does the cheetah attack a herd of wildebeests? By going after its weakest member.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Well, what makes me the weakest member?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Your trusting nature, coupled with your teeny-tiny body. You wouldn't last a minute on the Serengeti.

Bernadette Rostenkowski: You texted me Penny's dating an astronaut.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I texted architect. That's amusing. Auto-correct must've changed it.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Yeah, it's hysterical.

Bernadette Rostenkowski: I can't do this anymore! I'm a good girl! I went to Catholic school!

"The Big Bang Theory: The Opening Night Excitation (#9.11)" (2015)
Sheldon Cooper: [Knock. Knock] Penny?
[Knock. Knock]
Sheldon Cooper: Penny?
[Knock. Knock]
Sheldon Cooper: Penny?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: [Quietly to Penny] What happens if *I* say "Come in?"
Penny Hofstadter: Huh? Find out.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: [Loudly] Come in.
Sheldon Cooper: [Long pause. Knock. Knock] Bernadette?
[Knock. Knock]
Sheldon Cooper: Bernadette?
[Knock. Knock]
Sheldon Cooper: Bernadette?
Penny Hofstadter: [Loudly] Come in.
Sheldon Cooper: Keep it up. I got nowhere to be.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Come in.

Penny Hofstadter: Let's recap our options. We've got the harp thing, the sheep thing...
Bernadette Rostenkowski: The wild thang...

Bernadette Rostenkowski: So where do you want to go?
Amy Farrah Fowler: I heard that new Mexican place on Green Street is good.
Penny Hofstadter: Sure. Sure. Or we could take you to get a bikini wax.

Bernadette Rostenkowski: We don't want to spoil anything but... you should know that Sheldon said he's ready to be physical.

Amy Farrah Fowler: I can't believe it... I - I don't know what to say.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Well, we're really happy for you. And we know how much he cares...
Amy Farrah Fowler: I *do* know what to say!
[rises and runs towards the stairs]
Amy Farrah Fowler: LET'S GET ME WAXED!

"The Big Bang Theory: The Status Quo Combustion (#7.24)" (2014)
[first lines]
Leonard Hofstadter: How's your mom holding up?
Howard Wolowitz: She's doing okay. but we just lost another nurse.
Amy Farrah Fowler: How many is that now?
Howard Wolowitz: Two. And I know what you're thinking: she's eating them.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: She's just so impossible, they keep quitting.
Sheldon Cooper: So, who's watching her now?
Howard Wolowitz: A bowlful of M&M's with a few Ambien tossed in.

Leonard Hofstadter: Okay. Now that everyone's here, Penny and I have some big news.
Penny: We're engaged!
Raj Koothrappali: Oh my goodness! And I thought me having sex with Emily was going to be the big news.
[Bernadette, Amy and Howard hug Raj]
Leonard Hofstadter: Hey, hey. What the hell?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: You guys propose all the time. This never happens.
Penny: You're right!
[Penny and Leonard join the group hug]

Bernadette Rostenkowski: [about Howard's mother] We have jobs; we can't babysit her twenty-four hours a day.
Howard Wolowitz: If we use our vacation time?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I wanted to go to Hawaii, not hell.

Bernadette Rostenkowski: Sorry I'm late. A leaf-blower broke, so I had to hand-dry my mother-in-law.

Penny: [She was offered the job to care for Howard's mother; next scene, she's storming out of the house] Nope! You can keep your money!
Bernadette Rostenkowski: [after the door closes] I've ridden a bull longer than that.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Gorilla Experiment (#3.10)" (2009)
Leonard Hofstadter: Relax, it'll be fine. Sit down, you guys.
Leonard Hofstadter, Penny, Raj Koothrappali: [as Bernadette goes for Sheldon's spot] No!
Bernadette: What?
Penny: Oh, yeah. You can't sit there.
Bernadette: Why not?
Leonard Hofstadter: That's where Sheldon sits.
Bernadette: He can't sit somewhere else?
[from across the room Sheldon turns, stares and raises an eyebrow a freakishly long way]
Penny: Oh, no, no. You see, in the winter that seat is close enough to the radiator so that he's warm yet not so close that he sweats. In the summer, it's directly in the path of the cross breeze created by opening windows there and there. It faces the television on an angle that isn't direct so he can still talk to everybody, yet not so wide that the picture looks distorted.
Sheldon Cooper: Perhaps there's hope for you after all.

Bernadette: Don't take him too seriously. A lot of what he says is intended as humor.
Penny: Yeah, well, I don't think it's very funny.
Bernadette: Me, neither. But, he just lights up when I laugh.
Penny: Howard, never let her go.

Leonard Hofstadter: Are you interested in physics?
Bernadette: I find it fascinating. If I hadn't gone into microbiology, I probably would have gone into physics... or ice dancing.

Penny: Oh, yeah, you can't sit there.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Why not?
Leonard Hofstadter: That's where Sheldon sits.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: He can't sit somewhere else?
Penny: Oh no, you see in the winter, that seat is close enough the the radiator so he's warm yet not so close that he sweats. In the summer it's directly in the path of a cross-breeze created by opening windows there and there. It faces the television at an angle that isn't direct so he can still talk to everybody yet not so wide that the picture looks distorted.
Sheldon: Perhaps there's hope for you after all.

Bernadette: [forgiving Wolowitz after an argument] Come here, Tushy Face.
Leonard Hofstadter: [as they kiss, he snickers and pulls out his phone] "Tushy Face". That is going on Twitter right now.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Skywalker Incursion (#8.19)" (2015)
Amy Farrah Fowler: Ooh, you just chose champions. It's like we're re-enacting the ancient German practice of trial by combat.
Penny: It's also like when the Mountain fought the Red Viper in Game of Thrones.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Leonard makes you watch that, too?
Penny: No, I like that show. It's got dragons and people doing it.

Bernadette Rostenkowski: No fair. You've had that table your whole life.
Howard Wolowitz: Not really. I mostly used it as a battlefield where the Transformers and the Thundercats fought an ongoing war over control of a bra I found in the woods.

Bernadette Rostenkowski: All right, if you can switch champions, so can I. Raj, you're up!
Penny: No fair! I thought I was your champion!
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Oh, you don't even care!
Penny: Hey, I care... Wait, no I don't. Good luck, Raj.

Bernadette Rostenkowski: You know, Amy, I was wondering how Sheldon would react if you had a TARDIS in your place.
Howard Wolowitz: Don't listen to her, just hit the ball!
Amy Farrah Fowler: Keep talking.
[Cut to Amy's apartment, where the TARDIS is installed in her bedroom door]
Bernadette Rostenkowski: If this doesn't get him into your bedroom, nothing will!

Howard Wolowitz: Excuse me. Why is there a sticker on this? It's my TARDIS, from Doctor Who. I was planning on moving it in the house.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I think you just answered your own question.
Howard Wolowitz: Come on, one day this may double in value. It'd be worth half what I paid for it!

"The Big Bang Theory: The Scavenger Vortex (#7.3)" (2013)
[first lines]
Raj Koothrappali: So. Couldn't help but notice. None of you RSVP'd to my murder mystery dinner party.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh yeah. We were meaning to do that.
Raj Koothrappali: No you weren't, because it was a week ago and nobody came! So if you want to solve the mystery of who stabbed Koothrappali in the back with the weapon of indifference, it was all of you.
Sheldon Cooper: Don't think that qualifies as a mystery. We all knew what we were doing.
Amy Farrah Fowler: We're sorry, Rajesh.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Maybe we can do it next week.
Howard Wolowitz: Whoa, whoa, not that sorry.
Raj Koothrappali: Don't worry, I can take a hint. No more murder mystery parties.
Sheldon Cooper: Great.
Leonard Hofstadter: Thank you.
Howard Wolowitz: Hallelujah.
Raj Koothrappali: Because I've got something better planned!
Howard Wolowitz, Leonard Hofstadter, Amy Farrah Fowler: Aaw.
Sheldon Cooper: Come on.
Raj Koothrappali: Just hear me out. I'm going to make you guys a scavenger hunt like they have at M.I.T.
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, I loved those. I did them every year there.
Leonard Hofstadter: We did them at Princeton too.
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, that's cute. Like it's a real college.
Sheldon Cooper: Amusing. I was going to say that about M.I.T., but it works for Princeton, too.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Scavenger hunts at Harvard we're really tough. I always got stuck on the first challenge; trying to find someone to be on a team with me.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I guess that story's more sad than funny.

Raj Koothrappali: OK, guys, go ahead and divide yourselves into teams of two.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Should we just do couples?
Leonard Hofstadter: Couples sounds great, or we could mix things up. Maybe pick names out of a hat; whatever.
Penny: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Why don't you just admit you don't want to be on a team with me?
Leonard Hofstadter: I just said couples sound great.
Penny: Hm-mm. Yeah. You don't think I'm smart enough. You just think I'm going to be a liability. Even though I totally just used liability correctly in a sentence.
[Amy nods at her]
Leonard Hofstadter: So, let's do couples. I want to.
Penny: No, no, no. Let's mix things up. I choose Sheldon; we're going to kick your ass.
Sheldon Cooper: Really? The only time I'm ever picked first for a team, and I'm stuck with the liability.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Stop that. Penny is not a liability.
Penny: Thank you. Do you want to be on my team?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Maybe we pick names out of a hat?

Bernadette Rostenkowski: How am I faster than you? I'm in heels, *and* I stopped to take a phone call!
Leonard Hofstadter: I have asthma. Back off!

Leonard Hofstadter: I'm OK with you driving my car; I'm not OK with you flying my car.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Don't sweat it; my dad's a cop; used to fix things.
Leonard Hofstadter: Uh-huh. Like *death*.

Bernadette Rostenkowski: Quitting would be the worst thing for your relationship.
Leonard Hofstadter: Why?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Because it would make you seem like something she already thinks you are.
Leonard Hofstadter: What does she think I am?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: How do I put this? She's been known to call you a name that usually applies to a lady part... Or a cat... Or a willow.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Thanksgiving Decoupling (#7.9)" (2013)
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Why don't you go keep my dad company?
Howard Wolowitz: He doesn't want me in there; I'm the creepy little guy who has sex with his daughter.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Don't be silly. He loves you.
Howard Wolowitz: Does he?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: He, he cares about you a lot.
Howard Wolowitz: Really?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I do crap for you all the time. Get out there!

Bernadette Rostenkowski: Hey. Howard says that you've been making fun of him all day. Now both of you apologize right now.
Sheldon Cooper: She's so tiny! It's funny when she's mad.
Amy Farrah Fowler: All right, mister. I think you owe Howard and Bernadette an apology.
Sheldon Cooper: Perhaps you're right. I'm sorry for my behavior. I've had alcohol and it's caused me to be inappropriate.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Okay.
Howard Wolowitz: Don't worry about it.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Thank you.
Sheldon Cooper: Ain't she great?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon.
Sheldon Cooper: Now, hows about you get us a couple of beers?
[Sheldon swats Amy on the rear; she first looks shocked, then leaves smiling]

Bernadette Rostenkowski: Thanks again for cooking.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Yeah, everything was delicious.
Raj Koothrappali: Well, I couldn't have done it without my two favorite girls...
[Bernadette and Amy beam]
Raj Koothrappali: Martha Stewart and Rachael Ray.

Amy Farrah Fowler: I can't believe Penny is married to Zach.
Raj Koothrappali: Wonder what she saw in that guy?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I don't know. He's sweet, he's tall, he's handsome...
Amy Farrah Fowler: ...Broad shoulders, good hair...
Raj Koothrappali: Huh. Wonder what she sees in Leonard?

"The Big Bang Theory: The Bakersfield Expedition (#6.13)" (2013)
[Penny, Amy & Bernadette have just entered the Comic Store]
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Why are they staring?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Who cares? Just soak it in.
[huskily, stroking her hair]
Amy Farrah Fowler: Hello, boys.
Stuart: Oh. Hey!
[looks around at the customers]
Stuart: Could we stop staring? They're just girls; nothing you haven't seen in movies or in drawings.

Bernadette Rostenkowski: What kind of comics do the guys like?
Stuart: Um... a little bit of everything. Mostly superhero stuff.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Okay, well who's the best superhero?
Stuart: Shhhh! You can't ask a question like that in here! You trying to start a rumble?

Bernadette Rostenkowski: [Amy, Bernadette, and Penny enter the comic store the guys often go to, and every male stops what they're doing and stares at them in shock]
[Obviously uncomfortable]
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Why are they staring?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Who cares? Just soak it in.
[Then starts walking around, moving her hair from over her ear, then says the next line as if she were a 1940s girl talking to sailors]
Amy Farrah Fowler: Hello boys.
Stuart Bloom: [Comes out of the back room and sees the girls] Oh, hey.
[Then notices all the guys looking at them]
Stuart Bloom: Would you please stop staring? They're just girls. It's nothing you haven't seen in movies or in drawings.
Penny: Hey Stuart.
Stuart Bloom: Well, what brings you girls here?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: We were looking for a recommendation about comic books.
Stuart Bloom: Oh, well, I recommend you don't open a store and sell them.
Penny: No, we were wondering why the guys like the stuff so much, so we thought we'd give it a try.
Stuart Bloom: [as he speaks the next line, some of the customers start looking at the girls again] Oh ok, well what do you think you might be in to? Superheroes? Fantasy? Graphic novels? Manga?
[Turns on the others without taking a breath]
Stuart Bloom: I swear I will turn a hose on you!
[They scatter]
Bernadette Rostenkowski: What kind of comics do the guys like?
Stuart Bloom: Um, a little bit of everything. Mostly superhero stuff.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Alright, well who's the best superhero?
Stuart Bloom: [Frantically] Shhhh! You can't ask a question like that in here? Are you trying to start a rumble?
Penny: Well, what do you recommend?
Stuart Bloom: Oh, well um, you got your basic clean-cut good guys, like Superman, Spider-Man, Captain America, then you got your darker "anti-heroes", like Batman, Wolverine, Punisher.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Oooo, I do love a bad boy.
Penny: [Matter-of-factly] As evidenced by your boyfriend and his fear of hamsters.
Stuart Bloom: [Presenting a comic] If I were you, I'd go for Fables #1. The artwork is sophisticated, it's intelligently written, and it doesn't objectify or stereotype women.
Penny: [Distracted by another comic] Oooo, Thor! He's hot!
Stuart Bloom: Yeah, he kind of is.

Amy Farrah Fowler: [arguing with Penny and Bernadette about a comic book] It says right here on the hammer "Whoever holds this hammer, if he be worthy, shall possess the power of Thor."
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Well, hold on. Who decides who's worthy? Does the hammer decide?
Amy Farrah Fowler: [simultaneously with Penny] No.
Penny: Yes.
Amy Farrah Fowler: It can't decide. It's a hammer.
Penny: You said it's a magic hammer.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Yeah, but it... it can't make decisions.
Penny: If Harry Potter's wand can make decisions, why can't Thor's hammer?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Okay, if you're gonna start comparing wands and hammers, I can't even take you seriously.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Anything Can Happen Recurrence (#7.21)" (2014)
Amy Farrah Fowler: I feel so bad about lying to Sheldon; how am I going to make it up to him?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I'd tell you what I do with Howard, but I don't think dressing up like a catholic schoolgirl is going to work with Sheldon.
Leonard Hofstadter: He'd probably give you homework.

Amy Farrah Fowler: I'm sorry. I just needed a break from hearing you obsess about what to do after string theory.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I kinda wanted one night where we didn't have to hear about how miserable you were making this movie.
Amy Farrah Fowler: None of that means we don't love you.
Penny, Leonard Hofstadter: I don't complain that much about the movie, have I?
Leonard Hofstadter: I also love you.

Amy Farrah Fowler: I do feel bad about lying to Sheldon. How am I going to make it up to him?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I'll tell you what I'd do with Howard, but I don't think dressing up like a Catholic school girl is going to work with Sheldon.
[Amy stares off into the distance]
Leonard Hofstadter: He'd probably give you homework.

Bernadette Rostenkowski: I gotta go. Penny ratted me out to Howard. FYI she's getting you a watch for your birthday with money she took out of your wallet.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Contractual Obligation Implementation (#6.18)" (2013)
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Why don't you take her to Disneyland? You go on Space Mountain; you're in the dark; she's holding on to you...
Penny: Yeah, but you've just have to remember that ride is shorter than you think and they take a picture of you at the end, so make sure you got all your clothes back on.
[Amy & Bernadette stare at her]
Penny: It's a *joke*! Based on real events.

Bernadette Rostenkowski: We can't all be Cinderella.
Amy Farrah Fowler: How do we decide?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Simple. I came up with the idea, so I get to be Cinderella. Any of you bitches have a problem with that, I can stop the car right now!

Howard Wolowitz: Bernie, I'm home. Did you have fun today?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Yes, and I have a surprise for you.
Howard Wolowitz: Please be Cinderella. Please be Cinderella.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: [Appears dressed as Cinderella] Hello, my handsome prince.
Howard Wolowitz: Milady.
[Mimes riding a horse to her]

Amy Farrah Fowler: I haven't been to Disneyland since I was a kid; we should definitely go one weekend.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Weekends are too crowded.
Penny: So blow off work. Go on a weekday.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Hookey? I've never played hookey in my life. My mom said that's how girls end up addicted to reefer and jazz music.
Penny: More like how girls end up at a Best Western hotel with a thirty-four-year-old guy named Luther.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Joke?
Penny: I can laugh about it now.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Hot Troll Deviation (#4.4)" (2010)
Howard Wolowitz: Now, where were we?
Bernadette: I believe you were about to rip off my uniform with your teeth.
Howard Wolowitz: Bernadette? What are you doing here?
Bernadette: Well, if I had to guess I'd say I'm here because you saw me earlier this evening and you're still hung up on me.
Howard Wolowitz: No, I'm not.
Katee Sackhoff: Clearly you are. Otherwise, based on past experience, we'd be done by now.
Howard Wolowitz: Okay, I'm a little confused here.
George Takei: Oh my, can I help?
Howard Wolowitz: Not that kind of confused!
Bernadette: What's George Takei doing here?
Katee Sackhoff: Howard, do you have latent homosexual tendencies?
Howard Wolowitz: Of course not!
George Takei: So you say, yet here I am.

Howard Wolowitz: How am I gonna play this? Sophisticated and relaxed? Friendly, noncommittal? Cold and distant?
[Bernadette turns around. Howard dives under the table]
Bernadette: [as she walks by the table] Hi guys.
Leonard Hofstadter: Hey.
Sheldon Cooper: Hello.
[peers under the table]
Sheldon Cooper: I see you decided to go with pathetic and frightened.
Raj Koothrappali: It's one of his best moves.

Bernadette: Howard, a girl doesn't go out with a man like you, with your looks, your fancy patter, and your tight hoochie pants if she isn't expecting him to eventually make the move.

Penny: It's passion fruit. New on the menu.
Bernadette: I know. I work here.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Positive Negative Reaction (#9.16)" (2016)
[first lines]
Howard Wolowitz: Morning.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Morning.
Howard Wolowitz: [reads Post-It note on the coffee maker] "We"? What is this?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I don't know; maybe it says something on the back.
Howard Wolowitz: "Continued on milk".
[opening fridge]
Howard Wolowitz: If you're tricking me into making my own breakfast it didn't work for my mom and it won't work for you.
[reads note]
Howard Wolowitz: "Are". We are..."See spoons for more."
Bernadette Rostenkowski: What could it be? We are Groot? We are the champions? We are family; I got all my sisters with me.
Howard Wolowitz: [reads the third note] Are you serious?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Yeah.

Penny Hofstadter: You're not going to get fat. You're going to be beautiful and glowing and-and have the cutest little baby bump ever.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Easy for you to say, skinny bitch! Sorry, hormones.
Penny Hofstadter: Oh, that's all right. All I heard was 'skinny'.

Penny Hofstadter: [Penny's phone dings] Oh, it's Leonard. He says Sheldon's drunk and they're going to do karaoke if we want to join them.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: That sounds fun.
Amy Farrah Fowler: [Amy's phone dings] Oh no. Sheldon's drunk texting me.
Penny Hofstadter: What's it say?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Would you like to sing karaoke with us.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: How's that a drunk text?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Well, he used a period instead of a question mark; he's so wasted.

Howard Wolowitz: I'm sorry I freaked out this morning. I want you to know... I'm done being scared.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: It's OK to be nervous. I am too.
Howard Wolowitz: Thank God; cause I was lying; you might not have to wait nine months to see someone soil their pants.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Occupation Recalibration (#7.13)" (2014)
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Batman got his ass kicked by a curling iron.
Stuart Bloom: Well, don't let The Riddler know that. It's a comic book joke. Or maybe it's not.

Bernadette Rostenkowski: There's a few more things I want to say to you. Stuart's store is just fine and he's a much nicer person than you, and if you still have that comic I'd like to buy it right now.
Jesse: Sure. Would you like a latte?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: No, I would not like a latte! Give me a cappuchino and a blueberry scone!
Jesse: We don't have blueberry. We have chocolate chip.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Well that sounds even better!

Bernadette Rostenkowski: Did I startle you?
Stuart Bloom: At this point, any customer would startle me.

Bernadette Rostenkowski: You know, I work for a big pharmaceutical company. If you make this happen today, I could hook you up with anxiety medication, some anti depressants.
Stuart Bloom: Do you have any of these?
[Dumps full box of medicine bottles]

"The Big Bang Theory: The Love Spell Potential (#6.23)" (2013)
Amy Farrah Fowler: Ah, well. When we were going through security I got pulled out of line for a pat-down. The, uh, TSA agent got a little handsy. I may have broken her nose with my elbow.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Long story short, she's on the no-fly list, and we might have been followed here by a drone.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I'm sorry. I feel like such an idiot.
Penny: Oh, it's not so bad. You lost money, you're filled with shame and you got groped by a stranger; I mean, that's Vegas - you nailed it.

[first lines]
Bernadette Rostenkowski: [to cab driver] Burbank Airport, please.
Penny: Vegas, here we come!
Bernadette Rostenkowski: No husbands, no boyfriends, no rules!
Amy Farrah Fowler: No rules? We're not going to get drunk and have a six-way with the Blue Man Group are we?
Penny: No.
Amy Farrah Fowler: So there are some rules.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Fine. No husbands, no boyfriends, some rules.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Thank you.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Vegas!

Penny: I got a brand new bikini, so drinks at the pool are on these.
[gestures at her breasts]
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I got a sexy new tube top that says come hither and a can of pepper spray that says "Close enough, Jack."
Amy Farrah Fowler: I brought some old underwear to throw onstage at the Garth Brooks concert.
Penny: I'm sorry, why old?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Because the first time I saw him, throwing new underwear didn't work.

Amy Farrah Fowler, Bernadette Rostenkowski, Penny: [chanting in a cab] Vegas! Vegas! Vegas!
Sheldon Cooper, Leonard Hofstadter, Howard Wolowitz, Raj Koothrappali: [chanting in Leonard & Sheldon's living room] The dungeon of Mabusdahega! The dungeon of Mabusdahega! The dungeon of Mabusdahega!

"The Big Bang Theory: The Russian Rocket Reaction (#5.5)" (2011)
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I took our love and threw it under his bus-sized mother.

Penny: Are you a hundred percent positive that you love and want to marry Howard Wolowitz?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I do. With all my heart.
Penny: Got it. Just had to check.

Bernadette Rostenkowski: I had no choice! I had to tell his mother! He can't go to space! He's like a baby bird! Did you know he once got an asthma attack from reading an old library?
Amy Farrah Fowler: You're kidding.
Penny: No, I was there that day. Sheldon threw his back out handing him that book.

Bernadette Rostenkowski: How do they send you to the Space Station with the space shuttle program shutting down?
Howard Wolowitz: That's the cool part. They send you to Kashaztan, put you in a Russian Soyuz capsule and the rocket launches you into subspace orbit. Or it just stands there in the launch pad because the Kashaki Mafia sold the rocket fuel on the black market.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Are those Russian rockets safe?
Howard Wolowitz: As safe as they could be when they're built by the fine folks who brought you Chernobyl.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Speckerman Recurrence (#5.11)" (2011)
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Honey, it doesn't matter what you did in the past. You're a good person now.
Penny: That's easy for you to say. You weren't just called a bu-bu-bu-bitch.

Bernadette Rostenkowski: I don't think I can meet the girl who was always mean to me, Tammy Bodnick. One time while I was in gym class she stole all my clothes and left an elf costume in my locker. The worst part was, it was too big.
Amy Farrah Fowler: That's nothing. In ninth grade, the girls put Rogaine in my hand lotion. Within six months, the nicknames began to fly. I think the one that hurt the most was Gorilla Fingers Fowler.

Penny: I feel just like Mother Teresa, except for the virgin part. That ship sailed a long time ago.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I think Mother Teresa would have washed the clothes first.
Penny: Yeah, well I bet her laundry room wasn't down five flights of stairs.

Amy Farrah Fowler: What do you say to hiding a recording device in your ample bosom?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I don't want anything in my ample bosom.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Come on strawberries, take one for the team.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Recombination Hypothesis (#5.13)" (2012)
Leonard Hofstadter: Penny, do you have plans for dinner tonight?
Penny: Why? Are you guys going somewhere?
Leonard Hofstadter: No, I mean, just you and me.
Penny: You mean like a date?
Leonard Hofstadter: Not "like a date", a date!
Amy Farrah Fowler: Woooooooooo!
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Woooooooooo!

Penny: [enters from closet wearing a low-cut green dress] Too much?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Yes.
Amy Farrah Fowler: [Simultaneously with Bernadette] No.
Penny: Okay, just hang on.
[Goes back into closet]
Amy Farrah Fowler: [to Bernadette] You just can't handle her raw sexuality, can you?

Bernadette Rostenkowski: Boy, I don't know if I could be friends with Howie if we broke up.
Howard Wolowitz: Why not.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I'm a very vengeful person.
Howard Wolowitz: Really?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: With access to weaponized smallpox.

Bernadette Rostenkowski: Sometimes Howard and I pretend that his arrhythmia is acting up, and I'm his sexy cardiologist. And the naughty part is I'm not in his HMO network.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Countdown Reflection (#5.24)" (2012)
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Oh, Howie! A little star. It's beautiful! Put it on me.
Howard Wolowitz: Okay. But I'm gonna have to get it back from you, so I can take it to the International Space Station. That way, when I come home, you will have a star that was actually in space.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: My God!
Howard Wolowitz: Take that, every guy who's ever bought you anything!

Howard Wolowitz: We have the where and the when, but we still need to figure out who's going to do the ceremony.
Penny: That's easy. Anyone can go online and get ordained as a minister. I know a piercing parlor where for a hundred bucks they'll marry you and stick a wedding ring through any body part you want.
Howard Wolowitz: Great. Well, who's it gonna be?
Sheldon Cooper: I'll do it. Provided I can perform the ceremony in Klingon.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: No.
Sheldon Cooper: What do you see in her?

Raj Koothrappali: Howard and Bernadette, the five of us stand before you as your friends and newly ordained ministers.
Mrs. Wolowitz: LOUDER!
Bernadette Rostenkowski: They all got ordained. They're all marrying us. It's adorable. If you want to hear it, come closer.
Raj Koothrappali: Guys. When I look at the two of you starting your lives together it fills... my heart... it fills my heart. Forget it, I need a minute.
Penny: Okay, I'll, I'll go. Howard and Bernadette. I know you two planned on getting married in a big fancy wedding, but when you're in love in doesn't matter where or how these things happen. It just matters that you have each other.
Leonard Hofstadter: Hmm.
Penny: Problem?
Leonard Hofstadter: No.
Sheldon Cooper: I think the Revered Hofstader is making an ironic connection between your statement about love and your rejection of his proposal in the bedroom.
Penny: Oh, grow up.
Leonard Hofstadter: I didn't say it.
Amy Farrah Fowler: That's enough from the both of you.
Penny: Well, he started it.
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, I'm ending it. Bernadette, I want to thank you for allowing me to be your maid of honor. I also want you to know that I will be happy to do it again if this marriage craps out.
Leonard Hofstadter: Thank you, Amy. Very touching. Howard and Bernadette. You are lucky enough to be best friends who love each other and that's the strongest kind of love because at its core it has kindness, patience, and respect. Qualities that are hard to find in people these days.
Sheldon Cooper: Would you like some aloe vera? You just got burned. All right, my turn. Howard. Bernadette.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Sheldon! I told you no Klingon!
Sheldon Cooper: Fine, I'll do it in English. But it loses something. The need to find another human being has to share one's life with has always puzzled me. Maybe because I am so interesting all by myself. With that being said, may *you* find as much happiness with each other as I find on my own. The Klingon would have made you cry.
Raj Koothrappali: I believe you two have prepared vows.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Howard Joel Wolowitz, like you this is going to be short and sweet. I love you with all my heart and soul and promise to be with you forever.
Howard Wolowitz: Bernadette Maryann Rostenkowski.
Mrs. Wolowitz: SPEAK UP!
Sheldon Cooper: From now on she's the only woman whho can yell at me! Until I met you I couldn't imagine spending my life with just one person. And now, I can't imagine spending one day of it without you.
Raj Koothrappali, Penny, Leonard Hofstadter, Sheldon Cooper, Amy Farrah Fowler: By the power vested in us by the state of California...
[Sheldon only]
Raj Koothrappali, Penny, Leonard Hofstadter, Sheldon Cooper, Amy Farrah Fowler: and the Klingon High Council... we now pronounce you husband and wife.

Howard Wolowitz: Close your eyes, put out your hand. I got you something special.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Come on, Howard. I'm not falling for that again.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Hofstadter Insufficiency (#7.1)" (2013)
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Your boyfriend's kinda... Sheldon.
Amy Farrah Fowler: And your husband is extremely Howard; what's your point?

Bernadette Rostenkowski: To the advancement of science.
Amy Farrah Fowler: And to the sick and dying who make it possible.

Bernadette Rostenkowski: This is fun, we never really get to talk shop with Penny around. We usually just end up talking about boys.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Which is fine, but it's nice to mix it up with a little intellectual conversation.
Waiter: From the two gentlemen at the bar.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Oh, my gosh, boys bought us drinks, boys bought us drinks. Thank you, thank you, thank you so much.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Be cool.
Amy Farrah Fowler: You be cool. Guys are hitting on us, and not just to get to Penny.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: You're right. Thank you.

Bernadette Rostenkowski: Good night.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Mm-hmm. It was rather flattering to have strangers send us drinks.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Yeah, that felt nice.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Maybe tomorrow morning we put on some hot pants and see if we can score us some free omelettes.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: So, hypothetically, if, if we were to have gone with them, which one would you have picked?
Amy Farrah Fowler: I think I would have gone with the short one with the goofy haircut.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Oh, good, 'cause I liked the tall thin one. He seemed intelligent, kind of a loner, maybe a little sexually inexperienced, like I'd have to teach him a thing or two.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Not my guy. I caught him staring at my rack. It'd be nice to be with a man who wants to know what's underneath my cardigan. FYI, it's another cardigan.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Your short sexed-up guy kind of sounds like Howard.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Your brainy virgin kind of sounds like Sheldon.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: [Both realized they described the other woman's gut. Both say... ] Good night.

"The Big Bang Theory: The 21-Second Excitation (#4.8)" (2010)
Bernadette: You know what I really love about Howard? His chest hair.
Penny: Howard has a hairy chest?
Bernadette: No, just the one, but it's really long.

Amy Farrah Fowler: The internet suggests that slumber party guests often engage in harmless experimentation with lesbianism.
Bernadette: Where exactly on the internet have you been looking?

Howard Wolowitz: Are you sure you don't want to come with us to "Raiders"?
Bernadette: Oh, no. That movie has melting faces. It reminds me too much of the time I dropped that vial of flesh-eating bacteria into the Rhesus monkey lab.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Proton Displacement (#7.7)" (2013)
Howard Wolowitz: ...And an astolyne torch to melt it down.
Penny: Oooo. That looks like fun.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Maybe you should master glue before you move onto fire.

Amy Farrah Fowler: So what tools did you bring?
Howard Wolowitz: Everything we need to make jewelery molds; here's some silver, a crucible and an acetylene torch to melt it down.
Penny: Ooooo, that looks like fun.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Maybe you should master glue before you move on to fire.

Howard Wolowitz: Look who's here to put the Jew back in jewelry.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Oh, sure, it's fine when you say it.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Ornithophobia Diffusion (#5.9)" (2011)
Bernadette Rostenkowski: [picking up the bird] He's a sweetie.
Sheldon Cooper: Yes, it's very sweet. Now, slowly and carefully... flush him down the toilet.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon, the only way to get past this fear is to interact with it. Just like you did with the mailman.

Bernadette Rostenkowski: I still think he looks like someone's pet. Maybe we should put up posters.
Sheldon Cooper: Yes. It should have a big picture of him and the words: "Is this your bird? Not anymore."

Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon, what do you expect us to do?
Sheldon Cooper: You're biologists. Biology is the study of living things. That's a living thing. Get crackin'.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I specialize with microorganisms, and Amy studies brains.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Yeah, neither of us minored in bird shooing.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Parking Spot Escalation (#6.9)" (2012)
Amy Farrah Fowler: [confronting Penny and Bernadette in the former's apartment] Oh, looks like someone's on Team Bernadette. Where's Howard?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: He's not here. What's wrong?
Amy Farrah Fowler: [sharply] He had my car towed! It cost me two hundred dollars to get it back.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Oh, no. Where was it parked?
[Penny looks surprised]
Amy Farrah Fowler: In Sheldon's spot.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: That doesn't make sense. Sheldon doesn't have a spot. Was it maybe in Howard's spot?
[Penny looks concerned at the thought of them arguing]
Amy Farrah Fowler: Don't play dumb with me, sister! You tell your husband he owes me two hundred dollars.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Well, that doesn't make sense, either.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Why not?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Because I'm the one who had it towed.
Amy Farrah Fowler: You?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Didn't see that one coming, did ya?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Oh, yeah? Well, you're not gonna see this coming!
[she swings her handbag at Bernadette, who ducks, and Amy ends up hitting Penny instead]

[Amy and Bernadette are arguing over the parking spot, and Amy tries to hit Bernadette with her handbag, but Bernadette ducks, and Amy hits Penny instead]
Penny: [crying out in pain] You idiot! What the hell do you have in there?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Just my wallet, keys and a coffee can full of change I've been meaning to take to the bank!
Bernadette Rostenkowski: [running off] Don't move, I'll get some ice!
Amy Farrah Fowler: Are you okay?
Penny: Get away from me, or I swear to God I will rip out what's left of your pubes!
Bernadette Rostenkowski: [returning with a bag of frozen peas] Here.
Penny: [groaning in pain] Thanks.

[Amy and Bernadette's arguing over the parking spot resulted in Penny being hit in the face and badly bruised]
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Amy, you think maybe this has gotten a little out of hand?
Penny: [pained] Gee, you think?
Amy Farrah Fowler: I do. Penny, Bernadette and I are sorry.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: [enraged] You hit her! What did I do?
Amy Farrah Fowler: You had my car towed!
Bernadette Rostenkowski: [yelling] You were parked in Howard's spot!
Amy Farrah Fowler: [yelling] I was parked in Sheldon's spot!
Bernadette Rostenkowski: [arguing back] Sheldon doesn't HAVE a spot!
Penny: Guys, I think I need to go to the emergency room!
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Okay, let's go.
[they take Penny by her arms and escort her out]
Amy Farrah Fowler: I'll drive. You can see where the tow truck scratched my car.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: The tow truck didn't scratch your car.
Amy Farrah Fowler: How do you know?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: [imitating Mrs. Wolowitz] 'CAUSE I DID IT!

"The Big Bang Theory: The Isolation Permutation (#5.8)" (2011)
[first lines]
Penny: Bernadette, how goes the hunt for bridesmaid dresses?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Well, if you don't mind looking like an orange traffic cone, great.
Amy Farrah Fowler: [entering] Girlfriends, I have the answer to our dress problems.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Really?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Twelve years ago, my cousin, Irene, and her entire family died in a horrific carbon monoxide accident the night before her wedding.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: That's horrible!
Amy Farrah Fowler: Yes and no. All those bridesmaids dresses remain unused and available to us for free. So it seems that cloud of odorless deadly gas had a silver lining after all. Check it out; still in the bags - the gowns, not the bridesmaids.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I don't know; dead people's dresses?
Penny: Yeah, and cap sleeves? Uh-unn...

Bernadette Rostenkowski: Amy, we're really sorry.
Penny: Yeah, we feel awful.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Don't. I'll be okay. You're not the first girls I thought were friends with me who ended up shunning me. It's like elementary school, junior high, high school, undergrad, grad school and that semester abroad in Norway all over again.

Amy Farrah Fowler: Look at this brain.
Penny: [Turning away] I don't really want to.
Amy Farrah Fowler: This is us. Bernadette, you are the analytical, scientific left hemisphere. Penny, you're the creative, spontaneous right hemisphere. And where's Amy? She's right here. The sad little tumor no-one wants to go dress shopping with.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Amy, you're not a tumor. Penny, tell her she's not a tumor, huh.
[Penny vomits into a waste basket]

"The Big Bang Theory: The Property Division Collision (#10.10)" (2016)
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Stuart, you cooked?
Howard Wolowitz: How did you know it wasn't me?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: There's only three people in this house, and you'd still be my fifth guess.

Bernadette Rostenkowski: I guess you could stay for a few days, and we'll see how it goes.
Stuart Bloom: Thank you. And it's only temporary; just 'til I get back on my feet. Or the baby goes off to college - whichever happens first.

[last lines]
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Howard!
Howard Wolowitz: Guys, you heard her; go see what she wants.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: [she enters] I think I'm in labour.
Howard Wolowitz: Wh- wh- OK, OK. I-I-I I can do this. We have a plan. Somebody please tell me the plan!
Stuart Bloom: I'll get the hospital bag,
Raj Koothrappali: I'll pull the van out.
Stuart Bloom: Meet outside in two minutes.
Raj Koothrappali: Team Baby, go!
[they chest bump and run out]
Howard Wolowitz: I love you.
Howard Wolowitz: I love you too.
[they kiss and Stuart runs back in]
Stuart Bloom: Are we hugging or having a baby? Let's go!

"The Big Bang Theory: The Sales Call Sublimation (#9.12)" (2016)
Howard Wolowitz: You know, once we get the house back to ourselves we can be romantic in any room we want.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Great. I can finally show you where the laundry room is.

Bernadette Rostenkowski: What do you think we should do with this room?
Howard Wolowitz: I was thinking a home theater, a gaming room; you know, like a man cave.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Why can't it be a woman cave?
Howard Wolowitz: As long as it has a home theater, a video game system, and you're not allowed in it, you can call it whatever you want.

Howard Wolowitz: I'm about to suck something up. What do you think this object sounds like?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Howie, I don't want to play "Lego, toenail or pill" any more.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Holiday Summation (#10.12)" (2017)
Sheldon Cooper: I was acting odd intentionally.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Really? So you can control it?

Bernadette Rostenkowski: [the baby is crying loudly] Please stop crying, I'm begging you. I don't know what else to do. My boobs are empty; do you want lasagna?

[last lines]
Amy Farrah Fowler: That was fun; thank you.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Yeah, thanks.
Penny Hofstadter: Our pleasure.
Leonard Hofstadter: See you guys at work.
Raj Koothrappali: Be there bright and early.
Howard Wolowitz: Not me; paternity leave.
Sheldon Cooper: Agh. A small human wreaks havoc on his wife's genitals, and he gets time off.
Howard Wolowitz: With pay, sucka!
[they leave and Sheldon and Penny start to clear up. Then Howard returns]
Howard Wolowitz: Forgot the baby. Still new to this.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Solder Excursion Diversion (#9.19)" (2016)
Howard Wolowitz: What are you doing here?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: We heard there were some sexy scientists working hard all weekend.
Penny Hofstadter: Yup, so we brought you some lunch, and we are going to go look for them.
Leonard Hofstadter: Tuna sandwiches and emasculation, just like my mom used to make.

Bernadette Rostenkowski: Since when do you work on weekends?
Raj Koothrappali: I'm an astrophysicist. The stars don't take a day off.
Penny Hofstadter: You were home alone and had no-one to play with?
Raj Koothrappali: Well, the cleaning lady was there, but she doesn't like me.

Bernadette Rostenkowski: Go hide.
Raj Koothrappali: Oh man, when I come out of the closet, I'm going to nail those guys.
[Penny just looks at him]
Raj Koothrappali: Yeah, I heard it; shut up.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Discovery Dissipation (#7.10)" (2013)
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Hey guys, sorry I'm so late. Did you already have dinner?
Howard Wolowitz: No, we were waiting for you.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Oh, that's so sweet.
Howard Wolowitz: Yeah. So what do you feel like making?
Raj Koothrappali: Howard, the poor thing just got home from work! Let me get you a glass of wine; I'll cook dinner.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Oh, Raj, you're our guest.
Raj Koothrappali: Don't be silly, sit. You look like you've had a long day.
Howard Wolowitz: No, she always looks like that.
[Bernadette gives him a dirty look]
Howard Wolowitz: Because she married an idiot!

Bernadette Rostenkowski: Raj, this dinner was amazing. If you're here much longer, I'm going to have to buy bigger clothes.
Raj Koothrappali: Nonsense. You need a little fattening up. You've been looking too skinny lately.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Ah. Howie, how come you never say anything sweet like that?
Howard Wolowitz: What are you talking about? Remember last week when I asked you if you were wearing Spanx and you weren't? How's that different?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Maybe you could try being more thoughtful like your friend Raj.
Howard Wolowitz: Yeah, well, maybe you could try being more like Raj.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Oh, really?
Howard Wolowitz: Yeah, yeah. He packed me a lunch this morning and there was a note inside that said "Go get 'em."
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Like I don't do enough around here? Now I need to pack your lunch? And by the way, why do you need a note to telling you to "Go got 'em"? You're a grown man; you should know to "Go get 'em."
Howard Wolowitz: I do know to "Go get'em", but sometimes it's nice to have emotional support when I'm going and getting them.
Raj Koothrappali: Hey. Hey. Do you hear yourselves? No more. Calm down and take a step back.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: This is stupid. Why are we fighting?
Howard Wolowitz: I don't know. I guess I was just feeling like I'm a lousy husband.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: You're not a lousy husband. You're a great husband. I was the one feeling like a lousy wife.
Howard Wolowitz: Are you kidding? You're the best! I know what the problem is; it's him.
Raj Koothrappali: Whoa. What did I do?
Howard Wolowitz: You made us feel like we're not trying hard enough.
Raj Koothrappali: Yeah. We were totally fine half-assing our marriage 'til you showed up.
Raj Koothrappali: Look, I'm sorry you're upset with me, but I just have to say it's nice to see the two of you on the same page.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: It does feel good to have you backing me up for once.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I back you up all the time.
Howard Wolowitz: That is- He's doing it again!
Bernadette Rostenkowski: What is wrong with you?

Bernadette Rostenkowski: Aw, Raj did the dishes!
Howard Wolowitz: How do you know I didn't do them?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Because once, when all the knives were dirty, you cut a bagel with your keys.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Friendship Turbulence (#7.17)" (2014)
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Can I ask you something? Why do you constantly feel the need to put down my husband?
Penny: I'm sure he's doing it out of love. Just like my boyfriend not supporting my acting career.

Bernadette Rostenkowski: This is gonna be a long weekend for you.
Howard Wolowitz: You're the reason I'm doing it.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I said to stop insulting each other. I didn't tell you to take him on a romantic getaway.
Howard Wolowitz: How do I know what you said? Damn you and your noise cancelling breasts.

Bernadette Rostenkowski: I said to stop insulting each other. I didn't tell you to take him on a romantic getaway.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition (#5.10)" (2011)
Bernadette Rostenkowski: [to Amy] What are you gonna do, doesn't he know you have a boyfriend?
Penny: Oh, she doesn't have a boyfriend. She has a Sheldon.

Bernadette Rostenkowski: We should play Limbo next. No one beats me at limbo!

Penny: Looks like we killed the bottle.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I only had half a glass.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I didn't drink any.
Penny: Don't judge me.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Commitment Determination (#8.24)" (2015)
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Maybe it's time we tell him he needs to move out.
Howard Wolowitz: We should have done it months ago.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I know, but his store was reopening, and then there were the holidays, and then he was sick.
Howard Wolowitz: Yeah, right, sick. He didn't have jaundice. He just looks like that.

Bernadette Rostenkowski: Did you eat all my yogurt?
Howard Wolowitz: You mean the one that lets ladies do the thing ladies pretend they don't do even though they do?

Howard Wolowitz: When he comes home, I'm dropping the hammer.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Ooh, I like when you take charge.
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, I'm not taking charge. You're the hammer.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Decoupling Fluctuation (#6.2)" (2012)
[first lines]
Bernadette Rostenkowski: And the next wedding present is... a gravy boat.
Penny: [writing it down] Ooh, one gravy boat.
Amy Farrah Fowler: That's from Sheldon. He told me he had it engraved.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: [Reads engraving] "In case of divorce, please return to Sheldon Cooper."
Penny: One inappropriate yet I-wish-I-thought-of-that gravy boat.

Penny: I've been in love before, but it felt different. Maybe this is a new, better, boring kind of love. Do you ever feel that way about Howard?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: That's not really a fair comparison. I'm basically married to a sexy Buzz Lightyear.
Penny: Amy, you?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Can't help you, kid. Whenever I'm around Sheldon, I feel like my loins are on fire. In the good way, not the urinary tract infection way.

[last lines]
Howard Wolowitz: Hey, Bernie, guess what; I stood up to the other astronauts like you said and I got to tell you last night was the first time in a week I got a good night's sleep.
[Howard has a mouse face and the words 'F. Loops' drawn on his face]
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Oh, Howie!
Howard Wolowitz: What's wrong? You look upset.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Nope. This is my proud face.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Proton Transmogrification (#7.22)" (2014)
Amy Farrah Fowler: Arthur passing away was harder on Sheldon than he's ready to admit. I'm hoping this will cheer him up.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Me too. Although it might have been thoughtless of us to make a Death Star cake.
Amy Farrah Fowler: No, it combines two of Sheldon's favorite things. Chocolate chips and the ability of destroying a planet at the push of a button.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Well, anyway, it'll be a nice surprise for the boys. And Howie doesn't think I take his interests seriously, so hopefully this will keep him fooled for a while.

Bernadette Rostenkowski: I got into science because I was the smallest kid in school so I thought if I became a scientist I can invent a formula that can make me taller.
Amy Farrah Fowler: That's cute.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Yeah. I thought it was working for a while, but then I just found out my brother was lowering the pencil marks on the door frame. How about you?
Amy Farrah Fowler: I guess it must have begun back when I was in the girl sprouts.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Girl sprouts?
Amy Farrah Fowler: My mom made it up as an alternative to the Girl Scouts. She didn't want me selling cookies on some street corner like a whore.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: How did that get you into science?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Oh, I went to the library to check out a book on biology to see what whores did.

Bernadette Rostenkowski: This is fun. You don't see many spherical cakes.
[the cake rolls off the table and onto the floor]
Amy Farrah Fowler: I wonder why that is?

"The Big Bang Theory: The Mystery Date Observation (#9.8)" (2015)
Leonard Hofstadter: Are you done yet? I have to go to the bathroom.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: [Hands Leonard a bottle] Right here.

Penny Hofstadter: Damn, you're sneaky.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Yeah, but I'm little so it's adorable.

Penny Hofstadter: So where's tall, British Dave taking you?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Over for some tea and basketball?

"The Big Bang Theory: The Santa Simulation (#6.11)" (2012)
[the girls are proposing they find a girl for Raj]
Raj Koothrappali: A couple of things: Don't tell them I come from money; I want them to love me for me. They must be *insanely* hot, like nines or tens.
Penny: Nines or tens?
Raj Koothrappali: OK, an eight is acceptable if she's willing to bring another eight to the hottub.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Bottom line, you'll take any woman who'll have you, right?
Raj Koothrappali: In a New Delhi minute.

Amy Farrah Fowler: So at, uh, some point, you probably had a thing for me, too.
Raj Koothrappali: No, not really.
Penny: Oh, come on, Raj, not even a little bit?
Raj Koothrappali: Not that I can think of.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Think harder.
Raj Koothrappali: Nope. I guess the heart wants what the heart wants. Or in this case, doesn't, I mean, at all. What?

Penny: See you, boys, we're going drinking.
Raj Koothrappali: Wait, can I come with you? My character died.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Sorry, Raj, it's girls' night out.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Maybe another time.
[Penny, Bernadette, and Amy leave]
Leonard Hofstadter: [continuing the game] Okay.
Penny: [sticking her head back into the apartment] Come on.
Raj Koothrappali: [leaping off the couch] Girls' night! Girls' night! Woo! Woo!
[the apartment door closes behind Penny and Raj]
Stuart: How does he not hear that?

"The Big Bang Theory: The Line Substitution Solution (#9.23)" (2016)
Penny Hofstadter: She's my mother-in-law; why can't I bond with her like that?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Amy's with Sheldon who she loves like a son. You're with her son. Who she doesn't.

[last lines]
Bernadette Rostenkowski: [knocks on bathroom door] Howie, you doin' OK? You've been in there a while.
Howard Wolowitz: I'm fine. Be right out.
Howard Wolowitz: Am I an American hero? Oh, it's a good question, Jim. Don't you think that once an astronaut leaves the planet he's a hero to all the nations of the earth?
[toilet flushes]
Howard Wolowitz: Okey-dokey, I think I have time for one more question.

Bernadette Rostenkowski: [Knock on door] Maybe it's Sheldon here to say he's sorry.
[She opens the door, it's Stuart with a bouquet]
Stuart Bloom: Sheldon says he's sorry.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Bernadette, I'll give you five dollars to slam the door.
Stuart Bloom: [as the door closes] I would've done it for three!

"The Big Bang Theory: The Military Miniaturization (#10.2)" (2016)
Penny Hofstadter: How did you think you were going to hide your pregnancy?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I had a plan. I kept leaving Dove bar wrappers around to explain any weight gain.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Where did you get empty Dove bar wrappers?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: From all the DOVE BARS I ATE! I'M PREGNANT! Try to keep up!

Bernadette Rostenkowski: Apple slices? What kind of lunatic goes to McDonald's and gets fruit?

Bernadette Rostenkowski: Hey, I learned a long time ago when you're four feet eleven and eye level with every guy's crotch, that's where you punch.
Penny Hofstadter: That's funny; I learned something totally different.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Locomotive Manipulation (#7.15)" (2014)
Bernadette Rostenkowski: You sure you guys don't want to come with us to Napa. You can probably still get a room.
Penny: No. I think we'll just have a quiet weekend at home.
Leonard Hofstadter: Of course I'm not sure it's a great idea to take Penny where wine comes from. What? It's a joke. Oh, come on. We bust on each other. I wear dorky glasses and you might have a problem. It's all for laughs.
Penny: That would really piss me off if I didn't have a buzz going on.

Amy Farrah Fowler: Why do I even try?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I'm going to fix this right now.
Howard Wolowitz: OK. Just make it look light an accident.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Excuse me. You at a Valentine's dinner with your girlfriend. Now get back over there and be with her.
Sheldon Cooper: You're right. That was insensitive of me. I have to got back to my table now. You should join us.
Eric: All right.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Great. Now there's two of them.

Bernadette Rostenkowski: Are you all right?
Amy Farrah Fowler: It's Valentines Day, and my boyfriend is hanging out with some weirdo. How do you think I feel?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: To be fair, they're both weirdos.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Leftover Thermalization (#8.18)" (2015)
Bernadette Rostenkowski: [Sheldon and Leonard are arguing during dinner] Hey! Sheldon, Leonard, living room right now!
Sheldon Cooper: [Sheldon and Leonard follow her] She said my name first, that must kill you.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: [yelling from off screen, sounding eerily familiar to everyone] I don't know what you think you're doing, but this is a very difficult time for my husband! We're eating the last food his mother ever made and you are gonna throw it at each other like children? Whatever it is you're fighting about, put it aside, go back in there and be a good friend to Howard or there's no dessert for either of you! Look at me when I'm talking to you! And don't think...
Howard Wolowitz: [Bernadette keeps yelling] Do you guys ever notice sometimes Bernadette sounds like my mom?
Amy Farrah Fowler: I don't hear it.
Raj Koothrappali: No, not at all.
Stuart Bloom: Nah.
Penny: Not really.

Howard Wolowitz: Oh, man. This is the boutineer from my high school prom. A piece of cake from my Bar Mitzvah.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Did she throw anything away?
Howard Wolowitz: No. If I find my foreskin, I'm gonna kill myself.

Howard Wolowitz: It's all defrosting.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: It's okay. It's only food
Howard Wolowitz: No, it's not just food! This is the last food my mother ever made. This is her last brisket. This is her last meat loaf. This is her last... I have no idea what this is, but it's her last one.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Love Car Displacement (#4.13)" (2011)
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Can I stay here tonight?
Penny: Yeah. Why, what happened?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Howard's a complete and total ass.
Penny: Oh yeah, that. Come on in.

Howard Wolowitz: How would you feel if you met my ex-girlfriend, and she was like Angelina Jolie?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Oh, come on Howard, be realistic!
Howard Wolowitz: What, I'm not hot enough for Angelina Jolie?
Raj Koothrappali: I'd like to weigh in here. No.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Communication Deterioration (#8.21)" (2015)
Bernadette Rostenkowski: What's going on in here?
Howard Wolowitz: I am making molecular cocktails. This sphere is actually a cosmopolitan.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Oh. How do you drink it?
Howard Wolowitz: Just put it in your mouth and pop it like a zit.

Howard Wolowitz: So I have a dominant personality. We all know that.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I'm sorry, what do we know?
Howard Wolowitz: In social groupings, I just naturally wind up in charge.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Don't take this the wrong way, but how many of these little booze balls have you had?

"The Big Bang Theory: The Extract Obliteration (#6.6)" (2012)
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I was taking a shower this morning, and when I got out I started to dry off with what I thought what a towel but turned out to be Howard's mom's underwear. I had to take another shower. It wasn't enough. Nothing will ever be enough.

Amy Farrah Fowler: I feel like I'm in high-school again.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Yeah. Doing the prom queen's homework so she'll like us.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I know. It's finally working!

"The Big Bang Theory: The Hesitation Ramification (#7.12)" (2014)
Penny: Are you kidding me?
Leonard Hofstadter: Really because...
Penny: Well... the diner scene. Where's my diner scene?
Sheldon Cooper: Well, don't ask me. Until I see the prequel, I'm lost.
Penny: No. This was supposed the big scene with me and Mark Harmon, but it's... it's gone.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: What happened?
Penny: They must have cut it.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, Penny. I'm sorry.
Howard Wolowitz: That stinks.
Raj Koothrappali: I'm sure you were great.
Penny: This doesn't make any sense to me. I mean... I thought I did a really good job. I... Excuse me.

Howard Wolowitz: Vader is here now on this moon. I felt his presence. He has come for me. He can feel when I'm near.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: How many times do I have to tell you to replace the toilet paper when it's empty?
Howard Wolowitz: I'm in the middle of something!
Bernadette Rostenkowski: So am I!

"The Big Bang Theory: The Clean Room Infiltration (#8.11)" (2014)
Bernadette Rostenkowski: [Was singing to "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town" when Sheldon turns off the radio] Why did you turn it off?
Sheldon Cooper: Because in the last ten minutes, Santa Claus came to town, kissed Mommy and ran Grandma over with a reindeer. I have a drunk uncle who did all those things and no one sings songs about him.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Well, maybe it would help if you thought of him as a superhero whose superpower is bringing joy to children.
Sheldon Cooper: My uncle did that too. It turned out to be legal in Oklahoma.

Bernadette Rostenkowski: I think the nicest gifts I've got from Howie show how well he knows me.
Sheldon Cooper: Hm. Let's see. What do I know about Amy? She loves medieval literature. Chaucer's her favorite. Her eyes sparkle when she watches old French movies. I enjoy how harp music causes her fingers to dance as if she's playing along.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Wow. You really do love her.
Sheldon Cooper: I do. Now, let's find the kind of gift that makes her feel small and worthless.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Empathy Optimization (#9.13)" (2016)
[first lines]
Penny Hofstadter: Hey, so I saw a movie trailer the other day. How could Batman possibly fight Superman? Isn't that dumb!
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Maybe he uses kryptonite.
Emily Sweeney: Well, Batman's got a lot of money; maybe he builds a suit that can do everything Superman can do.
Penny Hofstadter: No no no no no, I've seen that movie. It's called "Iron Man".
[the guys are stupefied]
Leonard Hofstadter: What is happening?
Howard Wolowitz: I don't know.
Raj Koothrappali: But it's beautiful.
Penny Hofstadter: Now Ben Affleck as Batman.
Emily Sweeney: Oh, he was great in "Shakespeare in Love".
Penny Hofstadter: Ooh, we should watch that next girls' night.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: We could do a double feature with the Leonardo DiCaprio "Romeo and Juliet".
Penny Hofstadter: Oh, I love me some Leo.
Leonard Hofstadter: And it's gone.

Howard Wolowitz: Check out the stripper pole!
Bernadette Rostenkowski: You know what that means.
Leonard Hofstadter: That Raj'll be on it before we make it to the freeway?
Raj Koothrappali: You know it! Ooh-ooh!

"The Big Bang Theory: The Alien Parasite Hypothesis (#4.10)" (2010)
Bernadette Rostenkowski: How do you know him?
Penny: Oh, we went out a couple times.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I'm often flummoxed by current slang. Does 'went out' mean 'had intercourse'?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Yes,
Penny: No, no. But in this case yes.

Penny: [about Zack] He just didn't really challenge me on an intellectual level.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Couldn't you just fool around with him and then listen to NPR?
Penny: Wouldn't help. Zsck can't even spell NPR.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Holographic Excitation (#6.5)" (2012)
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Let me guess. Slutty cop?
Penny: No, sexy cop. Slutty cop only came with the skirt and two badges.

Bernadette Rostenkowski: What's that?
Howard Wolowitz: It's just a video Raj sent me of Buzz Aldrin.
Buzz Aldrin: [Handing out Halloween candy to trick-or-treaters] Here's a Milky Way. The Milky Way is a galaxy in space. I've been to space. Here's a Mars bar. I'm an astronaut. This one's a Moon Pie. I've walked on the moon. What have you done?
Howard Wolowitz: Okay, I get it.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Good Guy Fluctuation (#5.7)" (2011)
Bernadette Rostenkowski: [off screen] Who is it?
Sheldon Cooper: It's me, Sheldon, Mrs. Wolowitz!
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, that's not my mom, that's Bernadette.
Sheldon Cooper: Really? That's unsettling.

Sheldon Cooper: You're a better man than I, Howard Wolowitz. You put 'er there, you son of a gun!
[holds out his hand]
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, whatever.
[they shake hands, Howard gets the electric shock, and faints]
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Oh my God, Howard! What did you do?
Sheldon Cooper: [panics] It was a harmless Halloween prank... Look...
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Howard has a heart condition! You know that!
Sheldon Cooper: Well, I thought he made that up! Isn't hypochondria common idiosyncrasy of Jewish people?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: This is adrenaline... we're gonna have to inject it into his heart.
Sheldon Cooper: We are?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: You are! I'm not strong enough to get it through his chest plate, and we've only got one shot!
[gives the needle to Sheldon]
Sheldon Cooper: Oh no! I can't!
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Hurry! We're running out of time!
Sheldon Cooper: Okay...
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Just do it!
Sheldon Cooper: Oh God! One... two... three...
[sticks a "needle" in Howard's chest]
Howard Wolowitz: [opens his eyes undramatically, revealing that he was just acting] Trick or treat, bubbeleh.
Sheldon Cooper: [while Howard and Bernadette laughs] What? No! You mean all this was just a ruse? Oh, how could I be so STU-U-U-U...
[touches his head with the electronic device and falls down again]

"The Big Bang Theory: The Vacation Solution (#5.16)" (2012)
Penny: I'm so glad you talked Howard out of having your wedding invitations in Klingon.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Turn it over. I'm hoping my relatives think it's Hebrew.

[last lines]
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Are you mad at me?
Howard Wolowitz: No. I'm not mad at you; I just wish you would have come to me so I didn't have to hear it through the nerd-vine.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: So, what are we going to do?
Howard Wolowitz: You really want me to sign a pre-nup?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I don't know. My dad's pretty insistent on it though.
Howard Wolowitz: Why don't I talk to your dad? Man to man.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Really? Ah, that'd be so great
Howard Wolowitz: Done.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I should probably give you a heads up about a couple things. Even though he's retired from the police force, he still carries his gun. But don't worry, he wont shoot it; it's more of a fashion statement.
Howard Wolowitz: Okay.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: And just to be safe, when you talk to him don't bring up Jimmy Carter, gardeners, foreign people, homosexuals, Sean Penn, Vatican II, gun control, organic food, the designated hitter rule, recycling or the fact that you're Jewish.
Howard Wolowitz: Got it, got it. Will you email me that list?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: So the thing to watch for: if he's shouting at you, you're okay, but if he starts to get real quiet leave as quickly as you can without making eye contact. Not in a straight line; throw some zigs and zags in there.
Howard Wolowitz: Y'know, th- this isn't that pressing. Why don't I talk to him about it in May?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: In May you're going to be on the International Space Station.
Howard Wolowitz: They got phones.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Locomotion Interruption (#8.1)" (2014)
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Anyway I talked you up to Don. He's the guy who'll be interviewing you.
Penny: Oh, I really appreciate this. I just hope I'm not in over my head.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: You'll be fine. Just be yourself.
Penny: I wish I felt more confident.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I wouldn't put you up for this job if I didn't think you could handle it.
Penny: Oh thank you, but maybe I should cancel.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: It's too late to cancel. You're going.
Penny: But I don't know anything about pharmaceuticals.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Oh, I understand. You want something you're really good at. I know. Why don't I get you a job at the "sitting around all day wearing yoga pants" factory?
Penny: They're comfortable.

Penny: I don't have any experience in sales... unless you count the bikini car wash I did in high school, but you already made me take that off my resume.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: This job is a lot like being a waitress. Except instead of pushing the fish tacos because they're about to go bad, you'll be pushing our antidepressants before the FDA finds out they may cause rectal bleeding.
Penny: They do?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Maybe. Like our lawyers say, "The world is full of things that can cause a rectum to bleed."

"The Big Bang Theory: The Prom Equivalency (#8.8)" (2014)
Amy Farrah Fowler: [Picks up a red dress] And what is this?
Penny: That, believe it or not, was my prom dress.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: You still have it? I thought it would be balled up in the corner of a barn somewhere.
Penny: What kind of teenager did you think I was?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Slutty.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Easy
Penny: The word is popular.

Bernadette Rostenkowski: [noticing Emily's tattoo] That's a neat tattoo.
Emily Sweeney: Oh, thanks. It's Sally from "Nightmare Before Christmas".
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Aw, that movie's so cute.
Howard Wolowitz: Do you like her because you both have red hair?
Emily Sweeney: A little, but more that she's covered with scars and can pull her own limbs off and sew them back on.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: [awkward pause] I like "Cinderella".
Emily Sweeney: Did you know in the original book the sisters cut their toes off with knives in order to fit in the glass slipper?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: [looking uneasy] I like "Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo".

"The Big Bang Theory: The Agreement Dissection (#4.21)" (2011)
Amy Farrah Fowler: Fair warning: we can get crazy.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Yeah. Last week, we smoked cigars and pretended to be dragons.
Sheldon Cooper: Really, Amy? Tobacco and alcohol? Need I remind you not a lot of scientific discoveries were made by people having a good time?
Amy Farrah Fowler: [to Penny] Why did you bring him? He's harshing my buzz.

Bernadette Rostenkowski: I totally want to see Sheldon dance. I bet he looks like a spider on a hot plate.

"The Big Bang Theory: The First Pitch Insufficiency (#8.3)" (2014)
Howard Wolowitz: Even professional pitchers need a rubdown after the game.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: If you were throwing an actual ball. You were throwing air at a TV.
Howard Wolowitz: For your information, I also gave Leonard one hell of a high five.

Bernadette Rostenkowski: I could give you a few pointers. I played softball.
Howard Wolowitz: That would be great.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: And while you're at it, maybe we can work on butching up your run.
Howard Wolowitz: What's wrong with the way I run?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Oh, nothing.
[Mimes a girly run as she exits]

"The Big Bang Theory: The Perspiration Implementation (#9.5)" (2015)
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Stuart took that rejection like a pro.
Penny Hofstadter: Well, he knew he was on the breast cam.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I don't have much practice turning men down. It wasn't so much fun.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Oh, you get used to it. Some guys you have to turn down over and over.
Penny Hofstadter: And sometimes we marry them anyway.

Bernadette Rostenkowski: Howie?
Howard Wolowitz: What's up?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Why does your Fitbit say you ran 174 miles yesterday?

"The Big Bang Theory: The Habitation Configuration (#6.7)" (2012)
Howard Wolowitz: My plaid dickie! Can you believe I got this at Goodwill for fifty cents?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Fifty cents. That sounds about right.

Penny: Sorry this took so long, but you used to work here - you know how it is.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Kitchen slammed again?
Penny: No, I'm a terrible waitress, remember?

"The Big Bang Theory: The Spock Resonance (#9.7)" (2015)
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I told my dad that you were the one who didn't want kids because I didn't want to disappoint him.
Howard Wolowitz: But you were OK throwing me under the bus?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Turns out yeah, didn't think twice about it.

Bernadette Rostenkowski: [to Howard] I'm redecorating. The furniture, the carpeting, the walls; I'm changing everything that depresses me when I look at it. Try not to be one of those things.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Big Bear Precipitation (#9.20)" (2016)
Howard Wolowitz: Do you think Raj is getting a little carried away with all the baby stuff?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I don't think so; he just wants to be part of the experience.
Howard Wolowitz: Right. If you say so. What's in the box?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Oh, it's an ultrasonic microphone so we can hear the baby's heartbeat.
Howard Wolowitz: Oh. That's cool; can we try it?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Actually, Raj ordered it. He made me promise to wait 'til he was here.
Howard Wolowitz: So he can be "part of the experience"?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Yeah.
Howard Wolowitz: Surprised he let us conceive without him.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: It's a sore spot; don't bring it up.

Howard Wolowitz: [about Raj] You're not concerned he's acting like somehow this is his kid too.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: He's just trying to be supportive.
Howard Wolowitz: Just supportive. Not over the top in any way?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: No.
Raj Koothrappali: Hello-o!
[Raj enters, with a huge stuffed bear]
Bernadette Rostenkowski: You saw him carrying that.
Howard Wolowitz: *Astronauts* saw him carrying that.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Vengeance Formulation (#3.9)" (2009)
[first lines]
Howard Wolowitz: Two years later there's a knock on the door; the guy opens it, and there on the porch is the snail who says, "What the heck was that all about?"
Bernadette Rostenkowski: [giggles] I don't really get it.
Howard Wolowitz: See, it took two for the snail to-
[Bernadette kisses him]
Howard Wolowitz: Not important.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Can I ask you a question?
Howard Wolowitz: Sure.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Where do you think this is going?
Howard Wolowitz: To be honest, I was hoping at least second base.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: You're so funny. You're like a stand-up comedian.
Howard Wolowitz: A Jewish stand-up comedian; that'd be new.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Actually, I think a lot of them are Jewish.
Howard Wolowitz: No, I was just be- Never mind.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Look, Howard, this is our third date, and we both know what that means.
Howard Wolowitz: We do?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Sex.
Howard Wolowitz: You're kidding!
Bernadette Rostenkowski: But I need to know whether you're looking for a relationship or a one-night stand.
Howard Wolowitz: Okay, just to be clear, there's only one correct answer, right? It's not like 'chicken or fish' on an airplane.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Maybe you need to think about it a little.
Howard Wolowitz: You know it's not unheard of for a one-night stand to turn into a relationship.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: [she kisses him briefly] Call me when you figure it out.
[she goes into her house]
Howard Wolowitz: Three dates means sex! Who knew?

[last lines]
Penny: [Howard is 'serenading' Bernadette] Oh, I am *so* sorry.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Are you kidding? That's the most romantic thing anyone's ever done for me.
Howard Wolowitz: [sings] Bernadette!
Howard Wolowitz: Thank you, Cheesecake Factory!

"The Big Bang Theory: The Indecision Amalgamation (#7.19)" (2014)
Sheldon Cooper: Quick poll! PS4 or Xbox One? Raj?
Raj Koothrappali: Uh, Xbox One.
Sheldon Cooper: Penny!
Penny: Huh?
Sheldon Cooper: Leonard!
Leonard Hofstadter: PS4.
Sheldon Cooper: Wolowitz!
Howard Wolowitz: They're both great.
Sheldon Cooper: Bernadette!
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I like the Wii.
Sheldon Cooper: Thanks, grandma.

Bernadette Rostenkowski: Does this make me a horrible person?
Amy Farrah Fowler: No, of course not. It was an accident.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: What about that I wish she would die before she read the card?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Okay, now you're straddling the line.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Rothman Disintegration (#5.17)" (2012)
Amy Farrah Fowler: Good night, painting Penny. Good night, real Penny.
Penny: Good night, real Amy.
Amy Farrah Fowler: You don't have to say good night to painting Amy, because she's never leaving.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Good night, real Penny.
Penny: Bye.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Good night, transvestite Penny.

Bernadette Rostenkowski: I have to get up early. My company is developing a steroid that doesn't shrink testicles, and the last one there has to do the measuring.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Toast Derivation (#4.17)" (2011)
Penny: So, where do you guys want to go dancing?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: We were hoping you'd know a place.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Yes, perhaps somewhere packed tightly with young beautiful bodies, sweating and writhing against each other in a glorious orgy of the flesh.
Penny: Oh yeah, I know that place.

Penny: Let's go through this one more time. Just because Leonard has a new girlfriend does not mean I need to go out and hook up with some guy.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: But you could if you wanted to, right?
Penny: Well yeah, I guess.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Pick out the hottest guy in the room, take him home, do unspeakable things to him, then kick him to the curb with a smile on his face and teeth marks on his heinie?

"The Big Bang Theory: The Mommy Observation (#7.18)" (2014)
Raj Koothrappali: Sheldon is out of town so we can whatever we want. We even ordered from the Thai place he doesn't like.
Stuart Bloom: How is it?
Penny: Disgusting. Do not tell him.
Leonard Hofstadter: What do you guys want to do tonight?
Amy Farrah Fowler: I don't know.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I told Howie if I wasn't busy I'd spend the night at his Mom's. So for God sakes, think of something.

Stuart Bloom: I think you're the best couple I know.
Leonard Hofstadter: Ah.
Penny: That's so sweet.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: What the hell?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Excuse me?
Penny: Let the dead man talk. Why do you say that?
Stuart Bloom: Well, I feel like you guys make each other better. Penny brought Leonard out of your shell. Seems like Leonard makes Penny think more deeply about the world. I don't know. Together you make one awesome person.
Penny: Ah, Stuart. Now I feel bad for murdering you.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Cooper Extraction (#7.11)" (2013)
Raj Koothrappali: So Star Wars and Star Trek characters can go on the same branch?
Leonard Hofstadter: I know, it's crazy. Welcome to the Thunderdome, people!
[they cheer]
Howard Wolowitz: I've never done this before. It's kind of fun.
Raj Koothrappali: If your Mom could see her little Bar mitzvah boy right now she'd have a heart attack.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Good idea; I'll take a picture.

Bernadette Rostenkowski: Now, I was thinking. Without Sheldon, most of us would have never met, but Penny would have still live across from him.
Amy Farrah Fowler: And with Leonard out of the picture, we all know what that would mean.
Penny: We do?
Penny: [Sheldon is sorting laundry and Penny enters in Amy's fantasy] Hey, Sheldon.
Sheldon Cooper: Hello.
Penny: [seductively] Doing laundry?
Sheldon Cooper: Of course I'm doing laundry. Saturday night is laundry night and I'm in a laundry room, so... I believe your inference is justified.
Penny: Oh, my inference is justified. Sheldon, you are so funny, Anyway, I need to do my laundry, too, because these clothes are so dirty. Almost as dirty as the dirty girl who's wearing them.
Penny: [Listening to the story] OK, that's enough.
Leonard Hofstadter: Disagree.
Raj Koothrappali: keep going.
Penny: [Standing in her bra] So. What do you think?
Sheldon Cooper: A tad asymmetrical, but nothing to be concerned about.
Penny: Please, Sheldon, I need you.
Sheldon Cooper: To... what?
Penny: To take me.
Sheldon Cooper: I'm not taking you anywhere till you put on a shirt.
Penny: Come on, Sheldon. You and me, right here.
Sheldon Cooper: Penny, for the thousandth time. I'm saving myself for someone special. Perhaps a cute bespectacled neuroscientist with hair the color of mud.
Penny: I think I know how to change your mind.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Relationship Diremption (#7.20)" (2014)
Bernadette Rostenkowski: So Emily. Why did you decide to specialize in dermatology?
Emily: I like cutting people with knives, and all the other jobs where you get to do that are illegal.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: You're kidding, right?
Raj Koothrappali: She's scary, but it's a cute scary.

Howard Wolowitz: I just hope he doesn't blow it.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Why would you say that?
Howard Wolowitz: Because he's Raj, that's his thing. Beckham can bend it, Ralph can wreck it, Raj can blow it.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Bachelor Party Corrosion (#9.3)" (2015)
Amy Farrah Fowler: In the spirt of the bachelorette party, I baked cookies shaped like male genitals.
Penny Hofstadter: Oh, Amy, you didn't have... Wow! That is anatomical!
Amy Farrah Fowler: Thank you. The veins are blue gummy worms.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Oh, look. Jewish and gentile.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I had some dough left over.

Amy Farrah Fowler: If my mother could see me now, she'd send me to the sin closet.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: That's a joke, right?
Amy Farrah Fowler: The joke was on her. I could still watch TV through the slats.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Application Deterioration (#9.18)" (2016)
Raj Koothrappali: [Raj has just refused to see Emily] That was rough, you guys.
Penny Hofstadter: I know, but you did it. I'm so proud of you.
Raj Koothrappali: Anyway, I'll leave you to your girls' night.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Are you sure you don't want to stay here with us?
Raj Koothrappali: No, I kind of feel like being alone right now.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Well, if you change your mind, we'll be here.
Raj Koothrappali: Thank you.
Penny Hofstadter: [as Raj leaves] Say hi to Emily for us.
Raj Koothrappali: Will do!

Howard Wolowitz: What's to think about? We have an invention and want to move forward.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Howie, you are about to form a legal partnership with Sheldon Cooper.
Howard Wolowitz: All right, if you are going to calmly make excellent points, then I don't know if I want to talk to you. OK, I get it, and it's sweet that you're worried about me, but I can take care of myself.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I'm not worried about you; I'm worried about me. I don't want to go through this pregnancy listening to you complain about Sheldon driving you crazy more than you already do.
Howard Wolowitz: Here we go with the ironclad logic again.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: You've had to work with him before; it hasn't gone well. Why is this time going to be any different?
Howard Wolowitz: Is the fetus helping you? cause that's cheating.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Deception Verification (#7.2)" (2013)
[last lines]
Sheldon Cooper: And then Leonard took me to the barber and the dentist. and then to cap off the perfect day the Las Angeles Bureau of Weights and Measures.
Leonard Hofstadter: I thought the Measures were going to be the stars of the show; turns out it was the Weights.
Penny: I'm so glad you guys are friends again.
Sheldon Cooper: Eh, I'm glad you and I are friends again too.
Penny: Aw.
Sheldon Cooper: Which reminds me, this came in the mail, and I want you to have it.
[he hands her a coupon]
Penny: [reads] "Fifty cents off Vagisil."
Sheldon Cooper: Think of me when you apply it.
Raj Koothrappali: Can I just say: I've missed all of us hanging out together.
Sheldon Cooper, Bernadette Rostenkowski, Howard Wolowitz, Amy Farrah Fowler: Yeah.
Penny: Me too
Leonard Hofstadter: Um, since when can Koothrappali talk in front of the girls without a beer?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Oh, that happened right after you left.
Sheldon Cooper: And no-one told me?
Howard Wolowitz: [starting to weep] Can't believe we forgot to tell him.
Penny: Ahem!
[hands Howard the coupon]
Penny: Think of Sheldon when you apply it.

Bernadette Rostenkowski: This is very potent estrogen cream. Have you been wearing gloves when applying this?
Howard Wolowitz: Like gloves would fit these fat sausages.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Your skin has been absorbing estrogen. That's why you've been all bloated and moody and a giant pain in the ass.
Howard Wolowitz: But you're full of estrogen and you don't act like that.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: That's because I'm a woman. I've had years of practice riding the dragon.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Psychic Vortex (#3.12)" (2010)
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I'm starved. When you spend all day in a bio lab watching flesh-eating bacteria skeletonize small rodents it really works up an appetite.
Howard Wolowitz: Flesh-eating bacteria, and yet I still want to kiss this woman. What does that tell you?
Penny: That you'd be willing to die a horrible death on the off chance you'd get to second base.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: We're way past second base. Right, Howard?
Howard Wolowitz: Uh, we kind of disagree about what the bases are.

Leonard Hofstadter: I hope you're hungry, Bernadette. We're going to a terrific restaurant.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Oh, yeah, I'm starved. When you spend all day in a bio-lab watching flesh-eating bacteria skeletonize small rodents it really works up an appetite.
Howard Wolowitz: Flesh-eating bacteria and yet I still wanna kiss this woman. What does that tell you?
Penny: That you'd be willing to die a horrible death on the off chance you'd get to second-base?

"The Big Bang Theory: The Table Polarization (#7.16)" (2014)
Raj Koothrappali: He's forgotten how miserable he was the entire time he was up there. It's like me in those moments when I miss India.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: So you'll talk to him?
Raj Koothrappali: Why me?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Well, I'm his wife. I don't want to ruin it for him.
Raj Koothrappali: That's the dynamic. I'm the fun one and you're the buzz kill.

Howard Wolowitz: Good news. Someone in this room gets to take a ride on a rocket.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Fine. Can I at least shower first?

"The Big Bang Theory: The Hawking Excitation (#5.21)" (2012)
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Sheldon doesn't know when he's being mean because the part of his brain that should know is getting a wedgie from the rest of his brain.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Shiny Trinket Maneuver (#5.12)" (2012)
Bernadette Rostenkowski: It's obvious having kids is really important to you and I think I came up with a solution.
Howard Wolowitz: Really? That's great. What?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Well, seeing as how I make way more money than you anyway, what if I worked and you stayed home with the kids?
Howard Wolowitz: Me?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Yeah. You know, you watch Barney and pull Cheerios out of their noses and go on play dates, and I'll work and have conversations with people my own age and enjoy my life.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Maternal Combustion (#8.23)" (2015)
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Okay, I don't know when I became the mother to three lazy teenagers, but it stops today. You guys are cleaning the kitchen top to bottom.
Raj Koothrappali: Hey, I don't even live here.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Yes or no, do you have clothes in my laundry right now?
Raj Koothrappali: I do. And some of it's wool, so dry flat if possible.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Anxiety Optimization (#8.13)" (2015)
Raj Koothrappali: Where's Sheldon?
Penny: Date night.
Leonard Hofstadter: That can't be much fun for Amy. You know, at work today he tried his first Red Bull?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: What happened?
Leonard Hofstadter: He chased a squirrel around the quad for a while... and then threw up in my car.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Conjugal Conjecture (#10.1)" (2016)
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I now pronounce you husband and wife. And weird other husband who came with the apartment.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Intimacy Acceleration (#8.16)" (2015)
Bernadette Rostenkowski: You'd better find my husband's mother, 'cause one way or another, we're walkin' out of this airport with a dead woman!

"The Big Bang Theory: The Werewolf Transformation (#5.18)" (2012)
Bernadette Rostenkowski: [about Howard's survival training] Do you sleep in tents?
Howard Wolowitz: No. I slept in a hole I dug in the ground, with my bare hands. And at some point during the night, an armadillo crawled in... and spooned me.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Dependence Transcendence (#10.3)" (2016)
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Sorry I flipped out on you; I think it's just hormones.
Raj Koothrappali: I think you were mean before you were pregnant, but it's fine.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Romance Resonance (#7.6)" (2013)
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Great news! A raccoon virus just crossed the species barrier and now it can infect humans.
Raj Koothrappali: Why is that great news?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: In the pharmaceutical business we have a saying: "Mo' infection, mo' money."

"The Big Bang Theory: The Date Night Variable (#6.1)" (2012)
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Howard, either you tell your mother or that thing I said I would do to you when you got back, you can do to yourself.
Dimitri: Like he's been doing since he got here.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Raiders Minimization (#7.4)" (2013)
Bernadette Rostenkowski: What is going on with you?
Howard Wolowitz: I'm sharing my pain.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: And I'm not buyin' it. Try again.
Howard Wolowitz: I'm learning to be a man in a culture where it's increasingly difficult to know how?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Strike two!

"The Big Bang Theory: The Weekend Vortex (#5.19)" (2012)
Leonard Hofstadter: Bernadette, remember your character's the healer in our group. You're in charge of healing all of us, not just Howard.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I can't help it. My Howie-Wowie has an owie!
Sheldon Cooper: That is the most sickeningly sweet thing I have ever experienced, and I am sipping Kool-Aid through a Red Vine.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Friendship Contraction (#5.15)" (2012)
Howard Wolowitz: Next week I fly to Houston for orientation and zero-gravity elimination drills.
Penny: What does that mean?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: He's going to learn to poop in space.
Howard Wolowitz: Open the pod bay doors, HAL.
Raj Koothrappali: Maybe your nickname should be Brown Dynamite.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Stag Convergence (#5.22)" (2012)
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Do you know, for a while in Poland, my family and his family were neighbors?
Penny: Oh, that's cool.
Amy Farrah Fowler: No, it's not. I'll explain it to you later.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Pulled Groin Extrapolation (#5.3)" (2011)
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Good morning, handsome.
Howard Wolowitz: Good morning, mom.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: It's me!
Howard Wolowitz: Yes, it is. And you're so pretty in the morning!
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Your mom and I made you breakfast.
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, wow. So, you guys are getting along?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Yeah... I guess. We're very different people, Howard. So communication's a little tricky.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: HE DIDN'T TRY THEM, YET!
Howard Wolowitz: Is there any butter?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: It's butter flavored syrup.
Mrs. Wolowitz: SO, WHAT'S THE WORD?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: HE WANTS BUTTER!
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I JUST TOLD HIM THAT!

"The Big Bang Theory: The Meemaw Materialization (#9.14)" (2016)
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I'm sure it was harmless; people flirt; no big deal.
Howard Wolowitz: Really? So it's OK if I fli...
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Not you, I own your ass.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Tangible Affection Proof (#6.16)" (2013)
Howard Wolowitz: So where'd you hide it?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Where you'd never look.
Howard Wolowitz: Damn it, it's in the washing machine.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Expedition Approximation (#8.6)" (2014)
Sheldon Cooper: It's an exciting time in the field.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Why, what's happening?
Sheldon Cooper: I just entered it.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Birthday Synchronicity (#10.11)" (2016)
[first lines]
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, man, this is really happening. You doing OK?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Here comes another contraction.
Stuart Bloom: Let's pick it up!
Raj Koothrappali: All right, hold on. I'm going to drive like we do in India.
[rolls down the window, honks and yells]
Raj Koothrappali: Get out of the way, you syphilitic dogs!
Howard Wolowitz: Stop that. This isn't India.
Raj Koothrappali: Fine. What do one point three billion people know about having babies?
Howard Wolowitz: Sorry, I know you were just trying to help.
[to Bernadette]
Howard Wolowitz: I love you.
Raj Koothrappali: I love you too; we're good.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Bon Voyage Reaction (#6.24)" (2013)
Bernadette Rostenkowski: So have you been on a boat before?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Did you mean the time we were stuck on the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah.

"The Big Bang Theory: The 2003 Approximation (#9.4)" (2015)
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Hey, if you're open to living with someone great, I'll give you $1,000 to take Stuart.
Amy Farrah Fowler: You really should have gone on the internet and checked how long that kind of thing lives before you got one.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Platonic Permutation (#9.9)" (2015)
Howard Wolowitz: So we don't even get to be up front?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: What does it matter?
Howard Wolowitz: I was hoping some little kid would walk up and say "Please, sir. May I have some more?"
Raj Koothrappali: We're in a soup kitchen, not a production of Oliver.
Howard Wolowitz: It's not like I'm expecting them to sing.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Monster Isolation (#6.17)" (2013)
Howard Wolowitz: I'm telling you, something's wrong. I can always feel it when Raj is in trouble.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Jeez. How close were you guys before we got married?
Leonard Hofstadter: Don't look under that rock.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Thespian Catalyst (#4.14)" (2011)
Howard Wolowitz: Bernadette has needs.
Raj Koothrappali: What kind of needs?
Howard Wolowitz: Sexual needs.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Most of them regular, some of them kind of messed up.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Launch Acceleration (#5.23)" (2012)
Howard Wolowitz: Hey, I was thinking: for our first dance at the wedding, what if we learned the final number from 'Dirty Dancing'?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: You're kidding!
Howard Wolowitz: No, come on, how cool would that be? Me, running into your arms; you, lifting me up into the air.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Oh, you're in a good mood.
Howard Wolowitz: Yeah, well, why wouldn't I be? I'm marrying the girl of my dreams, and finally got my mother to agree not to come on our honeymoon.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Herb Garden Germination (#4.20)" (2011)
Howard Wolowitz: Hey, everybody, I got something I want to ask Bernadette, and I can't think of a better time than when I'm with all my friends.
Leonard: Oh, hold on, Howard. There's lots of better times.
Raj Koothrappali: Leonard, please. The man is talking. Let him get it out, and let the chips fall where they may.
Howard Wolowitz: Thank you. Bernadette Maryann Rostenkowski...
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Oh, God. What's happening?
Howard Wolowitz: I know things haven't been perfect with us, and we've had our problems, but I just have to tell you, from the moment I...
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Howard, let me just stop you right here.
Raj Koothrappali: This is it.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Yes.
Howard Wolowitz: Yes, what?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Yes, I will marry you.
Howard Wolowitz: You will?
Raj Koothrappali: You will?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I will. I will!
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, I love you so much.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Oh, I love you, too.
Leonard: Congratulations!
Priya Koothrappali: Oh, it's so exciting.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Closure Alternative (#6.21)" (2013)
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I'm pretty passionate about science. I remember the first time I looked through a microscope and saw millions of tiny microorganisms; it was like a whole other universe. If I wanted to I could wipe it out with my thumb like a god.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Earworm Reverberation (#9.10)" (2015)
Bernadette Rostenkowski: You're letting a man into your room. That's intimate. It's where your panties live.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Boyfriend Complexity (#4.9)" (2010)
[Howard has invited Bernadette to join Raj, who is monitoring a telescope]
Bernadette Rostenkowski: So, where's the telescope?
Howard Wolowitz: It's in Hawaii, but Raj controls it from here. He's hoping to see Epsilon Eridani dim, which would be evidence of a planet orbiting it.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: So we just sit and stare at the screen, waiting for something to happen?
Howard Wolowitz: I did it with you, when we rented 'The Notebook'.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Fetal Kick Catalyst (#10.6)" (2016)
Bernadette Rostenkowski: What are you doing?
Howard Wolowitz: I felt a kick. There's a baby in there.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Oh yeah, that's where I put it.
Howard Wolowitz: No, I mean... I know you're pregnant; I just... never connected the idea of pregnancy and you actually having a baby.
Howard Wolowitz: Which MIT did you go to?

"The Big Bang Theory: The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary (#3.5)" (2009)
[Howard and Bernadette are out on their first date]
Howard Wolowitz: [Howard's cell phone rings with 'She Blinded Me With Science'] Damn, it's my mother.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Are you going to answer it?
Howard Wolowitz: Well, I'm torn. She might be dying; you know, wouldn't want to miss that. On the other hand, if I let it go to voicemail, I could play it over and over.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I know how you feel. My mother makes me crazy.
Howard Wolowitz: [laughs it off] Not as crazy as my mother makes me.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Oh, yeah? Does your mother call you every day at work to see if you've had a healthy lunch?
Howard Wolowitz: My mother calls me at work to see if I had a healthy bowel movement.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Okay, well does she lay out your clothes for you in the morning, like you're nine years old?
Howard Wolowitz: You live with your mother?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: No. That's the sad part.
Howard Wolowitz: Oh. Okay, check this out. My mother made me wear rubber gloves to kindergarten so I wouldn't pick up a disease from the other children.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: That's nothing. I couldn't ride a bicycle 'cause my mother was afraid I'd hit a bump and lose my virginity.
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, wow. You didn't, did you?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Not on a bicycle. In a Camry.
Howard Wolowitz: Corolla! More wine?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I'd love some.
Howard Wolowitz: Listen, you have to come to shabbos dinner at my house sometime.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Why?
Howard Wolowitz: Well, a Catholic girl like you wearing a big cross like that might just give my mother the big brain aneurysm I've been hoping for.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Okay. But only if you come to Sunday dinner at my house wearing a yarmulke.
Howard Wolowitz: It's a date.
[they laugh and clink wine glasses]
Penny: Am I a matchmaker or what?

"The Big Bang Theory: The Proton Resurgence (#6.22)" (2013)
Howard Wolowitz: [Printing a poster of Cinnamon] How's this?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: How did you get a picture of her?
Howard Wolowitz: I didn't. I just Googled "Foo-foo little dogs."

"The Big Bang Theory: The Skank Reflex Analysis (#5.1)" (2011)
Bernadette Rostenkowski: What the hell is wrong with you?
Raj Koothrappali: Well, uh, you were always so nice to me, I thought maybe you liked me.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: [yells] I'm nice to everyone!

"The Big Bang Theory: The Misinterpretation Agitation (#8.7)" (2014)
Bernadette Rostenkowski: They just cancelled the photo shoot and said they were rethinking it
Amy Farrah Fowler: I'm really sorry, I think it's for the best. You want people focussing on your achievements, not staring at your breasts in a magazine.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I guess, it's really not that important.
[Amy stares fixatedly for several seconds at Bernadette's breasts]
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Hey! Up here!
Amy Farrah Fowler: Sorry, we just - were talking about them.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Gorilla Dissolution (#7.23)" (2014)
Bernadette Rostenkowski: You think we should get one of those machines to help her up the stairs.
Howard Wolowitz: You mean a forklift?

"The Big Bang Theory: The Graduation Transmission (#8.22)" (2015)
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Ready to call tech support?
Howard Wolowitz: Give me the number. Probably wind up talking to some foreign guy who's reading from the same manual I have.
[Raj's phone rings. Sheldon, Howard, and Bernadette stare at him in shock]
Raj Koothrappali: It's my father, you jerks.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Desperation Emanation (#4.5)" (2010)
Leonard Hofstadter: So, Bernadette tells me she knows you from a self defense class?
Joy: Yeah, Israeli Krav Maga, lots of fun. Basically a hundred different ways to rip a guy's nuts off.
Leonard Hofstadter: Wow, didn't think there'd be that many.
Joy: [lunging her hand at him] Number forty-two!
Leonard Hofstadter: Whoa!
Bernadette Rostenkowski: [laughing] Isn't she a pip?

"The Big Bang Theory: The Beta Test Initiation (#5.14)" (2012)
Raj Koothrappali: I was just talking to Siri about Peking duck, and she said she knew about four Chinese grocers, two of which are fairly close to me. Her spontaneity is contagious.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Who's Siri? Is he dating somebody new?
Howard Wolowitz: Yes. His phone.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Is that cute or creepy?
Howard Wolowitz: Uh-huh.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Colonization Application (#8.17)" (2015)
Bernadette Rostenkowski: What's wrong?
Howard Wolowitz: Koothrappali was snooping in Emily's apartment and broke one of her drawers.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Aw. I'm gonna miss her.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Matrimonial Momentum (#9.1)" (2015)
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Aw, that was beautiful.
Howard Wolowitz: Yeah, I mean not like our wedding, beautiful.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: No, we totally won.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Zarnecki Incursion (#4.19)" (2011)
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I took Howard to the beach once. He almost burst into flames like a vampire.