Zoey Pierson
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Quotes for
Zoey Pierson (Character)
from "How I Met Your Mother" (2005)

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"How I Met Your Mother: Natural History (#6.8)" (2010)
Ted Mosby: If I wanted to make it personal, I'd call you a bored little trophy wife who likes to play activist when the shops on Fifth Ave are closed.
Zoey Pierson: You're going down.
Ted Mosby: Down where? To the yacht club? I'd love to, but wait I'm half Jewish, is that going to be a problem?

Zoey Pierson: Ted, this is my husband.
Ted Mosby: So Captain, how did you get that name?
The Captain: I gave it to myself. A real man chooses his real name.
Ted Mosby: Well, pleased to meet you, Captain. I'm Galactic President Superstar MacAwesomeville.

Zoey Pierson: My life isn't perfect.
[Zoey begins to cry]
Zoey Pierson: I got married at 22 to a man who calls himself "The Captain". I hate boats, Ted. I do, I hate them. I can't be on them, I can't be near them, I can't even think about them without getting seasick. You want to know why I want to save that building? Because when I look up at the Arcadian, I see something big, and solid, and right now everything else in my life just feels like I'm on a boat. I know it's crazy to care that much about a building...
Ted Mosby: It's not crazy at all, I'm the same way. Look, Zoey, the Arcadian should be a landmark, it should. The lion-head stonework is iconic. I hate that we have to tear it down, I hate working for GNB. They're a bunch of wieners and gonads.
Zoey Pierson: Ted, that was... really easy.
[Pulls out a voice recorder]
Zoey Pierson: This should be useful.
Ted Mosby: You tricked me!


"How I Met Your Mother: Blitzgiving (#6.10)" (2010)
Zoey Pierson: Barney was here? I was walking around half naked.
Barney Stinson: Aw Man! Wait which half?

Marshall Eriksen: The Blitz isn't something that can be bought or sold.
Zoey Pierson: Yeah, it's not like Ted's integrity.
Ted Mosby: Oh, what was that? I was distracted by the four-karat diamond your 53-year-old husband bought you.
Steve Henry: Facial!
Ted Mosby: Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a turturkeykey to baste.
Zoey Pierson: I'm coming with you.
Ted Mosby: No! I baste alone.
Zoey Pierson: Oh, I'm sure you're a master baster, Ted.
Steve Henry: Word play. Loving it!
Zoey Pierson: But relax. I've got a ton of sides to heat up since my plans fell through.
Ted Mosby: Who canceled? Your coven?
Steve Henry: Coven, group of witches! Boom!
Zoey Pierson: Yeah, they were worn out from putting that spell on your hair!
Steve Henry: Oh! Serve returned!
Ted Mosby: Are you happy? You're ruining Thanksgiving!
Zoey Pierson: Well, you're not exactly who I thought I'd be spending Thanksgiving with, either!
Steve Henry: God, I'm so happy to be here. My face hurts from smiling!


"How I Met Your Mother: Challenge Accepted (#6.24)" (2011)
Zoey Pierson: Hey, you wanna get coffee some time?
Robin Scherbatsky: You know that "coffee" is a code for I want to get back together, right ?
Ted Mosby: At first I wasn't sure, but then she said something that got me thinking.
Zoey Pierson: I wanna get back together.


"How I Met Your Mother: Garbage Island (#6.17)" (2011)
The Captain: [At his study, The Captain talks to Ted about Zoey leaving him for another man] Once upon a time, Zoey and I were happy, blissful as Arcadian shepherds. I was Poseidon, she my Amphitrite. I dare say, not even Scylla and Charybdis could not have torn us asunder. We had great big boners for each other! But then, enter the scoundrel.
[imagines scene of Zoey watching horror movie with half-naked thick moustached version of Ted]
Zoey Pierson: Oh man, this movie is scary.
Ted Mosby: [Scoundrel Ted] I know, right?
The Captain: [Back in reality] I don't know who he is, but I pictured him with a mustache.
Ted Mosby: Limit the search to guys with mustaches. Smart.
The Captain: Anyway, soon the inevitable happened. She told me she was in love with someone else. Obviously, it made me angry.
Ted Mosby: And the, that was the last time you saw her...
The Captain: ...but I gathered my composure and told her I'd do anything to keep her. I begged her not to leave. We made love that night...
Ted Mosby: [spits out drink] It's damned good brandy.


"How I Met Your Mother: The Exploding Meatball Sub (#6.20)" (2011)
Ted Mosby: Why would you do that?
Zoey Pierson: I thought you'd like it?
Ted Mosby: Who likes that?
Zoey Pierson: I like it!


"How I Met Your Mother: Desperation Day (#6.16)" (2011)
Ted Mosby: They're actually called British Morning Socks.
Zoey Pierson: Don't get in your own way!


"How I Met Your Mother: Architect of Destruction (#6.5)" (2010)
Ted Mosby: This wouldn't work. Zoey, the Arcadian was really great building once, but it's falling apart and full of snakes.
Zoey Pierson: Snakes?
Ted Mosby: I don't recall snakes, thanks.