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: If I wanted to make it personal, I'd call you a bored little trophy wife who likes to play activist when the shops on Fifth Ave are closed. Zoey Pierson
: You're going down. Ted Mosby
: Down where? To the yacht club? I'd love to, but wait I'm half Jewish, is that going to be a problem?
: Ted, this is my husband. Ted Mosby
: So Captain, how did you get that name? The Captain
: I gave it to myself. A real man chooses his real name. Ted Mosby
: Well, pleased to meet you, Captain. I'm Galactic President Superstar MacAwesomeville.
: My life isn't perfect.
[Zoey begins to cry
] Zoey Pierson
: I got married at 22 to a man who calls himself "The Captain". I hate boats, Ted. I do, I hate them. I can't be on them, I can't be near them, I can't even think about them without getting seasick. You want to know why I want to save that building? Because when I look up at the Arcadian, I see something big, and solid, and right now everything else in my life just feels like I'm on a boat. I know it's crazy to care that much about a building... Ted Mosby
: It's not crazy at all, I'm the same way. Look, Zoey, the Arcadian should be a landmark, it should. The lion-head stonework is iconic. I hate that we have to tear it down, I hate working for GNB. They're a bunch of wieners and gonads. Zoey Pierson
: Ted, that was... really easy.
[Pulls out a voice recorder
] Zoey Pierson
: This should be useful. Ted Mosby
: You tricked me!
: Barney was here? I was walking around half naked. Barney Stinson
: Aw Man! Wait which half?
: The Blitz isn't something that can be bought or sold. Zoey Pierson
: Yeah, it's not like Ted's integrity. Ted Mosby
: Oh, what was that? I was distracted by the four-karat diamond your 53-year-old husband bought you. Steve Henry
: Facial! Ted Mosby
: Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a turturkeykey to baste. Zoey Pierson
: I'm coming with you. Ted Mosby
: No! I baste alone. Zoey Pierson
: Oh, I'm sure you're a master baster, Ted. Steve Henry
: Word play. Loving it! Zoey Pierson
: But relax. I've got a ton of sides to heat up since my plans fell through. Ted Mosby
: Who canceled? Your coven? Steve Henry
: Coven, group of witches! Boom! Zoey Pierson
: Yeah, they were worn out from putting that spell on your hair! Steve Henry
: Oh! Serve returned! Ted Mosby
: Are you happy? You're ruining Thanksgiving! Zoey Pierson
: Well, you're not exactly who I thought I'd be spending Thanksgiving with, either! Steve Henry
: God, I'm so happy to be here. My face hurts from smiling!
: Hey, you wanna get coffee some time? Robin Scherbatsky
: You know that "coffee" is a code for I want to get back together, right ? Ted Mosby
: At first I wasn't sure, but then she said something that got me thinking. Zoey Pierson
: I wanna get back together.
: [At his study, The Captain talks to Ted about Zoey leaving him for another man
] Once upon a time, Zoey and I were happy, blissful as Arcadian shepherds. I was Poseidon, she my Amphitrite. I dare say, not even Scylla and Charybdis could not have torn us asunder. We had great big boners for each other! But then, enter the scoundrel.
[imagines scene of Zoey watching horror movie with half-naked thick moustached version of Ted
] Zoey Pierson
: Oh man, this movie is scary. Ted Mosby
: [Scoundrel Ted
] I know, right? The Captain
: [Back in reality
] I don't know who he is, but I pictured him with a mustache. Ted Mosby
: Limit the search to guys with mustaches. Smart. The Captain
: Anyway, soon the inevitable happened. She told me she was in love with someone else. Obviously, it made me angry. Ted Mosby
: And the, that was the last time you saw her... The Captain
: ...but I gathered my composure and told her I'd do anything to keep her. I begged her not to leave. We made love that night... Ted Mosby
: [spits out drink
] It's damned good brandy.
: Why would you do that? Zoey Pierson
: I thought you'd like it? Ted Mosby
: Who likes that? Zoey Pierson
: I like it!
: They're actually called British Morning Socks. Zoey Pierson
: Don't get in your own way!
: This wouldn't work. Zoey, the Arcadian was really great building once, but it's falling apart and full of snakes. Zoey Pierson
: Snakes? Ted Mosby
: I don't recall snakes, thanks.