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: A real woman could stop you from drinking. Arthur
: It'd have to be a real BIG woman.
: You're a hooker? Jesus, I forgot! I just thought I was doing GREAT with you!
: Bitterman! Do you want to double your salary? Bitterman
: Yes sir! Arthur
: Then open that door!
: Arthur, will you take my hand? Arthur
: That would leave you with one!
: Girls, girls, girls! Hello girls!
: All I can tell you is, I wish I had a dime for every dime I had.
: [while taking a bath
] God, isn't life wonderful, Hobson? Hobson
: Yes, Arthur, it is. Do your armpits. Arthur
: A hot bath is wonderful... Girls are WONDERFUL! Hobson
: Yes, imagine how wonderful a girl who bathes would be. Get dressed.
: I race cars, play tennis, and fondle women, BUT! I have weekends off, and I am my own boss.
: [pointing at a mounted moose on the wall
] Where's the rest of this moose? Burt Johnson
: Arthur, I think it's time we got to know one another. Arthur
: I do too. That's why I had to come over today. Hmhmhmhm. This is a tough room. Arthur
: [patting the moose
] I don't have to tell you that. Arthur
: You must've hated this moose. Burt Johnson
: Why don't you forget the moose for a moment! Arthur
: [looks at the moose; then, to Burt
: They recently had the whole country carpeted. This is *not* a big place.
: I've never taken care of anybody. Everybody's always taken care of me. But if you got sick, or anything, I'd take care of you. Linda
: Then I'll get sick.
: [waiting at Arthur's father's office
] I hate it here! Hobson
: Of course you hate it. People work here.
: [to the mounted moosehead in Burt's den
] This must be awfully embarrassing for you.
: Everyone who drinks is not a poet. Maybe some of us drink because we're not poets.
: Isn't this fun? Isn't fun the best thing to have? Don't you wish you were me? I know I do.
[Arthur suddenly laughs uproariously
: What's so funny now? Arthur
: Sometimes I just think funny things.
: Hobson, do you know the worst part, the WORST part of being me? Hobson
: I should imagine your breath.
: It's terribly small, tiny little country. Rhode Island could beat the crap out of it in a war. THAT'S how small it is.
: [soliciting a prostitute
] What I had in mind was spending the night with a stranger who loves me. Gloria
: Gonna cost you a hundred bucks. Arthur
: Oh, yeah? What time do you get off?
[bursts out laughing
: Oh, that's funny!
: [smiling broadly
] When I was 11 years old, I KILLED a man. Arthur
: Well, when you're 11 you probably don't even know there's a law against that. Is Susan here? Burt Johnson
: I knew what I was doing. We were poor. He came into our house to steal our food. Arthur
: Well, he was asking for it. Burt Johnson
: I took a knife, and I killed him in the kitchen. Arthur
: You, uh... probably ate out that night, what with that man lying in your kitchen. Burt Johnson
: You seem to find humor in everything. Arthur
: Yeah, sorry.
: [to Burt Johnson's servant
] Are you sure you want to be a nightclub comic?
: [to Susan
] Do you have any objection to naming a child Vladimir? Even a girl?
: What are you doing later tonight? Linda
: Oh, I have plans for tonight. What should I wear? Hobson
: Steal something casual.
: I just told Linda I was getting engaged. Hobson
: I don't know why; a little tart like that could save you a fortune in prostitutes.
: Would you remove your helmet, please? Arthur
: Why? Hobson
[Arthur hands him his helmet
: Thank you. Now your goggles. Arthur
: Why? Hobson
[Arthur hands him his goggles
: Thank you.
[slaps him across the face repeatedly
: You spoiled little bastard! You're a man who has everything, haven't you, but that's not enough. You feel unloved, Arthur, welcome to the world. Everyone is unloved. Now stop feeling sorry for yourself. And incidentally, I love you.
: Hello, Arthur. Arthur
: Hello, Mr. Johnson. Burt Johnson
: I haven't seen much of you lately. Arthur
: Well, the reason you haven't seen much of me is because I, I normally pick Susan up at her apartment in town. And you live here. Want a drink? Burt Johnson
: I never drink. No one in my family ever drinks. Arthur
: That's great! You probably never run out of ice your whole life!
: I don't drink because drinking affects your decision-making. Arthur
: You may be right. I can't decide.
: Have you ever been on a yacht? Linda
: No, is it wonderful? Arthur
: It doesn't suck.
[in a department store, Arthur and Hobson see Linda putting a tie in her bag
: Hobson, did you see that? Hobson
] Yes. Arthur
: She stole that tie! It's the prefect crime; girls don't wear ties! Although some do; it's not a perfect crime, but it's a good crime. Hobson
: Yes; if she murdered the ties it would be the perfect crime. Why are you so happy about all this?
: He's taking the knife out of the cheese! Linda
: Oh, my God! Arthur
: Do you think he wants some cheese? Linda
: No, I think we're gonna die!
: [a very intoxicated Arthur is addressing the congregation of attendees for his wedding
] ummmm... ummmm... Ladies and gentlemen... I'm sorry... As you probably have surmised by now... there will be no wedding. The bride... has had second thoughts... and has decided not to marry me... Most of you know me... Can you blame her?
: Do you want anything? Hobson
: I want to be younger. Arthur
: Sorry, it's your job to be older.
: Do you HATE Perry's wife?
] MY HUSBAND HAS A GUN! Arthur
: I'm sure he does, madam. For all I know, he shot it while you screamed.
: My mother died when I was six. Arthur
: [bangs his fist on the table
] Son of a bitch! Don't they know what they do to kids? Gloria
: My father raped me when I was twelve. Arthur
: So, you had six relatively good years? I'm sorry. Listen, my father screwed me, too.
: Hobson? Hobson
: Yes. Arthur
: Do you know what I'm going to do? Hobson
: No, I don't. Arthur
: I'm going to take a bath. Hobson
: I'll alert the media. Arthur
] Do you want to run my bath for me? Hobson
: That's what I live for.
: Perhaps you would like me to come in there and wash your dick for you, you little shit.
: Oh, stay with me, Hobson. You know I hate to be alone. Hobson
: Yes, bathing is a lonely business. Arthur
: Except for fish. Hobson
: I beg your pardon? Did you say "except for fish"? Arthur
: Yes... fish all bathe together. Although they do tend to eat one another. I often think... fish must get awfully tired of seafood. What are you thoughts, Hobson? Hobson
: Pardon me...
[rises, removes Arthur's top hat and smacks him upside the head
: So, how rich are you? Arthur
: Let's put it this way, I wish I had a dime for every dime I have.
: Who wouldn't want to marry a sexy clown.
: I'm talking about Tuscany! White truffle gelato! Have you ever tried white truffle gelato? It makes all other gelato taste like shit.
: We shouldn't get married... we have nothing in common. You love horses. I don't trust them. Their shoes are permanent. Who makes that kind of a commitment to a shoe?
: Why didn't you tell me before? Hobson
: I didn't want you to feel bad. Arthur
: Why are you telling me now? Hobson
: Because I want you to feel bad.
: You're running from yourself Arthur. Arthur
: I wish I was, because I'd let me get away.
: I'm going to take a bath. Hobson
: I'll alert the media.
: You're drunk again Arthur Arthur
: No... I have remained drunk since our last encounter
: Grape shears, what an innovation! You can use them for my castration!
: Congratulations, you're winning the dead parent game. But it's not too late to run home and butcher my mother.
: First your father and then the horse - when will my testicles get some rest?
: Could you detach the half-naked business woman from under my bed?
: Look! It's orphan Annie, but as a man. Orphan Mannie!
: What was that? Susan
: A French kiss. Arthur
: Really? Because the French always surrender, that was decidedly German.
: I know what a jobs are, Snobson.
: Hello Hobson! Hobson
: Morning Arthur. And Friend. Arthur
: [Points at Tiffany
] Tiffany. Hobson
: Ohhh, Points for knowing her name and saying it with confidence. Arthur
: I made a Mental association with my lamp.
: Tiffany, this is my nanny Hobson, my best friend in the whole world. Tiffany
: Your nanny? Hobson
: Hes merely shaped like an adult.
: [Holding up Tiffany's Bra
] I wouldn't recommend letting him get used to your breasts dear, hes got an addictive personality. He was at mine till he was six. Arthur
: Hobson! Hobson
: I had to dab tabasco on the nipples to see him off Arthur
: That lady has never once breastfed me Hobson
: Despite his best efforts.
: My Name is Lillian and I am an alcoholic. I'm rich, I'm fabulously rich. I'm also generous and kind hearted. My father died when I was young and my mother was absent most of the time. Is this an excuse for making a mockery of my life? Oh it all looks very wild from the outside, I once went to bed with three European Princesses at the same time but A, I cant remember anything about it, and B, apparently I vomited over two of them before losing control of my bladder on the third, oh yes all such fun. Until the fog parts and suddenly there's a hole so big that all the vintage champagne and all the bat mobiles on the world can't fill it. Then I'm all alone on my magnetic bed, wondering what venereal disease I've just caught. Arthur
: Always the quiet ones.
: Could I stay for a minute, please? Naomi Quinn
: Why? Arthur
: Because it will reduce the proportion of my life that I spend feeling totally miserable.
: Weren't we happy, Arthur? Arthur
: Of course. Then we met.
: What can I do Hobson? I mean what would you do if you were me? Hobson
: The word "bathe" comes to mind.
: Yesterday I sold some blood at a hospital. Hobson
: Hospital? I should've thought a local distillery would have paid you much more.
: Mr. Bach? Arthur
: Bitterman! How the hell are you? Bitterman
: Sir, what are you doing here? Arthur
: They said I'd never make it Bitterman, they said the city would eat me alive. But now look at me, I got my own pail and my own squeegee, I showed them ALL! Martha Bach
: Arthur? Arthur
: Martha! Martha Bach
: Arthur, what are you doing? Arthur
: Well, I was... Martha Bach
: Are you going to marry Susan Johnson or not? Arthur
: I already told you Martha, I can't! Martha Bach
: Enough is enough, Arthur. Marry the bitch! Arthur
: You marry her Martha!
: [Arthur is conversing with the ghost of Hobson
] Arthur, I've seen your son. Arthur
: [Arthur, inebriated, looks stricken
] Oh! Hobson
: I've told him all about you. But he still wants to meet you very much. Arthur
: Ah, old man, you're not playing fair!
: Where's Mrs. Bach? Is she... Fairchild
: Madam awoke early. She had some phone calls to make. Arthur
: Ah. Ah, well in that case, put on one of her nightgowns and come in here, would you? Fairchild
: Sir? Arthur
: Oh, come on, Fairchild. I know you want it. I've seen the way you look at me. Arthur
: [Fairchild heads towards the closet
] Hey! Fairchild, I'm kidding! I'm kidding. God, it's the truth. Don't they ever kid each other on your planet?