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: Sheldon, you pester me one more time about chicken, I will put you over my knee right here in this restaurant. Leonard Hofstadter
: [to Sheldon
] Please pester her, please, for me.
: [On visiting the wax museum
] I am going to Hollywood and thank a wax Ronald Reagan for his service to our country.
: [On going to Rodeo drive
] Well, I can't spend 12 thousand dollars on a handbag, but it's free to look upon those who do with righteous condemnation.
: So, Mrs. Cooper, what did you think of the sushi? Mary Cooper
: It was good. Only thing would've made it better if it was cooked... And if it was beef.
: Sheldon, when is your landlord gonna fix the elevator? Sheldon Cooper
: I don't know. Lately we've been talking about converting it into a missile silo. Leonard Hofstadter
: Your son seems to think we need to launch a preemptive strike on Burbank. Sheldon Cooper
: Get them before they get us.
: Oh, Mrs. Cooper, it smells so good. Mary Cooper
: You take notes, darling. The real way to get a man is with melted cheese and cream of mushroom soup; he'll die at 50, but his love will be true.
: Sheldon, you're talking like a crazy person. Mary Cooper
: Actually, I had him tested as a child. Doctor says he's fine. Sheldon Cooper
: Told you. Mary Cooper
: Although I do regret not following up with that specialist in Houston.
: You think maybe the reason why you're having trouble finding a guy to settle down with is because you're letting 'em ride the roller coaster without buying the ticket? Penny
: Oh, they don't always get to ride the roller coaster. Sometimes they only get to "spin the teacups".
: I bet your mom is really proud of you. Howard Wolowitz
: Nope. She says if I don't back out, she's gonna go on a hunger strike. I mean it'd take years before she'd be in any kind of danger, but still...
: Lord, Mary Cooper here coming to you from "Gomorrah", California.
: So, Raj, what pain are you trying to cover up with alcohol? Raj Koothrappali
] Nothing, I'm fine! Mary Cooper
: Are you? Raj Koothrappali
: [starts crying
: Mom, I want to apologize for my behavior last night. Mary Cooper
: Apology accepted. Sheldon Cooper
: Great! Now, you're gonna love the Perlmutter lecture. Look, he will be stating that the universe is older than six thousand years, but I thought you could stick your fingers in your ears and hum "Amazing Grace" during those parts. Mary Cooper
: I am still going out with your friends. Sheldon Cooper
: But... I apologized! And that was hard for me, because I didn't do anything wrong!
: I didn't get to spend a lot of time with you on this visit. Mary Cooper
: And whose fault was that? Sheldon Cooper
: [about Sheldon and Amy
] You have any idea what's going on with those two? Leonard Hofstadter
: It's kinda like the Loch Ness Monster. Maybe there something there, maybe there isn't. We'll probably never know. But, sometimes it's fun to creep yourself out thinking about it.
: I've never had it, but there's no harm in trying something new. Sheldon Cooper
: There's a lot of harm in trying something new! That's why we test our drugs and cosmetics on bunny rabbits.
] Leonard Hofstadter
: So, what kind of cruise is this you're going on? Mary Cooper
: It's called The Born-Again Boat-ride. 'Christian Quarterly' gave it their highest rating, five thorny crowns. I do wish you'd come with me, Sheldon. Sheldon Cooper
: Uh, well, Mom, if I did, it would be conclusive proof that your God can work miracles. Mary Cooper
: You're missing out; it's going to be wall-to-wall fun; it's all themed. There's Jonah and the Whale-watching. All you can eat Last Supper buffet. And, my personal favorite, Gunning with God. Leonard Hofstadter
: What's Gunning with God? I'm afraid to ask. Mary Cooper
: Oh, it is a hoot-and-a-half. You write your sins on a clay pigeon, they fire 'em up in the air, and you pulverize 'em with a 12-gauge shotgun full of our Lord's forgiveness. Sheldon Cooper
: Frankly, Mom, I'm encouraged to see how advanced your group has become. You're willing to sail out into the ocean without fear of falling off the edge. Mary Cooper
: For example, if Shelly was aboard, he'd write 'smart-mouth' on his pigeon. And then *BAM*! Sheldon Cooper
: The Lord giveth and the Lord bloweth away.
] Sheldon Cooper
: Does this mean you're not going to sing 'Soft Kitty'? Mary Cooper
: No, I will always sing you 'Soft Kitty'.
] Mary Cooper
: Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur. Leonard Hofstadter
: [sticks his head in the door
] Mru. Cooper, were we supposed to take that pie out of the ov... Sheldon Cooper
] Get out!
] Mary Cooper
: Well, that was rude. Sheldon Cooper
: Well, I know, but he means well. Sing. Mary Cooper
] Happy kitty, sleepy kitty... Sheldon Cooper
: What are you trying to pull, Mom? From the top. Mary Cooper
: [looking upwards
] This is what I'm talking about.
] Mary Cooper
: Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur.
: Now, I'm going out tonight; would it be crazy to ask you to look at the outfit I'm gonna wear? Mary Cooper
: Oh, not crazy at all, and don't beat yourself up. When I was your age you could have me for a car ride and a bottle of strawberry wine. Sheldon Cooper
: [to himself
] That will not be in this week's email blast.
: So, this spring, I get to go to the International Space Station. Mary Cooper
: Oh, my word! A trip to the Heavens. If you ever want to live there eternally, I've got a good book you could read. Howard Wolowitz
: Thanks, but I watch the 'Charlie Brown Christmas Special' every year, so I get the gist.
: It's like they say, a cat can have kittens in the oven but that doesn't make them biscuits.
: Back home, there's a girl works at the Wal-Mart. Tall, taaaaall girl. Woman could hunt geese with a rake. Thought she'd never find a man, but one day, wouldn't you know, Harlem Globetrotters come to town. Long story short, today that woman travels the world with a semi-professional basketball player and two beautiful mixed race babies.
: I thought it was our Indians that had the occasional alcohol problem. Leonard Hofstadter
: We don't say that either. I'll make you a list. Mary Cooper
: Oh, that'd be mighty white of you.
: Honey, why did you get a loom? Sheldon
: I was working with luminous fish and I thought... hey. Loom.
: I tell you, I love the boy to death but he has been difficult since he fell outta me at the K-Mart.
: Oh, my God, this is the best cobbler I've ever had. Mary
: It was always Sheldon's favorite. You know what the secret ingredient is? Penny
: Love? Mary
: Leonard, the Lord never gives us more than we can handle. Thankfully He blessed me with two other children who are dumb as soup.
: Mom, what are you doing here? Mary
: Leonard called me. Sheldon
: I know, but why? Leonard
: Because one of the great minds of the 21st Century is raising glow-in-the-dark fish and weaving serapes. Sheldon
: This is not a serape. This is a poncho! A serape is open to the sides, a poncho is closed, this is a poncho! And neither is a reason to call someone's mother!
: I made chicken. I hope that isn't one of the animals that you people think is magic.
: [praying before dinner; aside to Raj and Howard
] Now, after a moment of silent meditation, I'm gonna end with "In Jesus' Name," but you two don't feel any obligation to join in. Unless, of course, the Holy Spirit moves you.
: You know how your daddy used to say that you can only fish for so long before you gotta throw a stick of dynamite in the water? Sheldon
: Yes. Mary
: [Opens Sheldon's wardrobe and starts to get his clothes out
] Well, I'm done fishing.
: I have been telling you since you were four years old, it's okay to be smarter than everybody else, but you can't go around pointing it out. Sheldon
: Why? Mary
: Because people don't like it!
: [tucking Sheldon into bed
] I'm very proud of you, honey; you showed a lot of courage today. Sheldon
: Thanks, Mom.
[she starts to leave
: Mom. Mary
: Mm-hm? Sheldon
: Is Dr. Gablehauser going to be my new daddy? Mary
: We'll see. Sleep tight.
: He gets his temper from his daddy. He's got my eyes. All that science stuff, oh, that comes from Jesus.
: Leonard's mom is a renowned psychiatrist and woman of science. Can you please keep the Bible babble to yourself while she's here? Mary Cooper
: Are you ashamed of me? Sheldon Cooper
: Of course not. I love you. I'm just embarrassed by the things you believe, do and say. Mary Cooper
: Well, I love you, too, my little bowl of lion chow.
: Interesting. You can believe that, but God filling an ark with animals two-by-two is nonsense. Sheldon Cooper
: What did they feed the lions, Mother? Mary Cooper
: The floating bodies of drowned sinners, of course.
: Well, I would have to say when he was thirteen and he tried to build a nuclear reaction in the tool shed. Sheldon Cooper
: Ooh, this is a good one. Mary Cooper
: Now, the first thing you need to know about Shelly is, ever since he was a little boy, he was always concerned with the well-being of others. And he didn't think it was fair for people to pay for electricity, so he was gonna power the entire town for free. Sheldon Cooper
: Tell her about the uranium! Tell her about the uranium! Mary Cooper
: Oh, well. Well, this is adorable. When he arranged to get some yellow-cake from Chad, I thought he was talking about twinkies from one of his friends. Sheldon Cooper
: Yeah. But I wasn't, because I didn't have any friends. Mary Cooper
: No. It turns out this little scallywag was trying to use my Visa card to buy uranium from an African warlord in the country of Chad.
: Not once did my mother ever give me any love or affection for just being myself. I always had to earn it. Mary Cooper
: Oh, Leonard, I'm sure she loves you very much. In her own cold godless way.
: When your mom gets back, I'm gonna need to apologize for the way I spoke to her. Penny
: Well, come on, she did kinda start it. Mary Cooper
: Doesn't matter. A good Christian would have turned the other cheek. On the other hand, a good Texan would have shot her, so I'll just split the difference.
: I'll condemn you internally, while maintaining an outward appearance of acceptance. Mary Cooper
] That is very Christian of you.
] Sheldon Cooper
] Sheldon Cooper
] Sheldon Cooper
: Mother. Mary Cooper
: Shelly. I'm so glad you're here. Sheldon Cooper
: I saw you having naked sex. Mary Cooper
: What are you talking about? Sheldon Cooper
: Earlier I came here to surprise you. I looked in the window and I saw you with a man. Mary Cooper
: Oh, Shelly. I'm so sorry. Come in. Um. Maybe we should sit down and talk about this. Sheldon Cooper
: Can you recommend a surface you haven't had coitus on? Mary Cooper
: That's not funny. Maybe we should sit at the table.
: How long have you been a demented sex pervert? Mary Cooper
: That is no way to speak to your mother. Sheldon Cooper
: Perhaps not. But is a way to speak to a woman who quoted the bible to me my whole life and then desecrated one of Ethan Allan's finest. Mary Cooper
: I will give you one opportunity young man to apologize to me. Sheldon Cooper
: Or what? Mary Cooper
: Or I will send you to your room. Sheldon Cooper
: That is ridiculous. I am a grown man, I am a professional scientist and currently occupy the moral high ground Mary Cooper
: Go to your room. Sheldon Cooper
: But I occupy the moral high ground. Mary Cooper
: Go to your room. Sheldon Cooper
: But I am a professional scientist. Mary Cooper
: Go to your room. Sheldon Cooper
: I'm a grown man.
: Are you having the sex talk with me?
: I think what bothers me the most is the hypocrisy. Doesn't this contradict all the religious rules you've been expounding your whole life? Mary Cooper
: You're right, it does. And it is something I have been struggling with these days. Sheldon Cooper
: Then why are you doing it? Mary Cooper
: Because I'm not perfect, Shelly, and that man's booty is. Sheldon Cooper
: Well, this is confusing for me. But I don't want to stand in the way of your happiness so I'll condemn you internally while maintaining an outward appearance of acceptance. Mary Cooper
: That is very Christian of you.
: This is my home now. Thanks to you, my career is over and I'll spend the rest of my life here in Texas, trying to teach evolution to creationists. Mary
: You watch your mouth, Shelly. Everyone's entitled to their opinion. Sheldon Cooper
: Evolution isn't an opinion, it's fact. Mary
: And that is your opinion. Sheldon Cooper
: [to the others
] I forgive you. Let's go home.
: Don't tell me prayer doesn't work.
: If you recall when you were little, we sat right here at this very spot and we talked about some of the problems you had getting along with the neighbor kids. Sheldon Cooper
: That was different. They were threatened by my intelligence and too stupid to know that's why they hated me. Mary
: Oh, baby, they knew very well why they hated you.
: [Sheldon is about to take some food
] Ah ah! We pray in this house. This is not California, home of the heathen.
[Sheldon somewhat reluctantly puts down the food, wipes off his hand, then takes Mary's hand
: By hius hand we are all... Sheldon Cooper
: Fed. Mary
: Thank you Lord our daily... Sheldon Cooper
: Bread. Mary
: Know that we are truly... Sheldon Cooper
: Grateful. Mary
: For every cup and every... Sheldon Cooper
: Plate full. Mary
: Amen. Now that wasn't so bad, was it, Shelly?
: Let's all remember what it says in the Bible: "He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty." Dr. Beverly Hofstadter
: Oh, dear woman, can you please read another book? Mary Cooper
: When God writes one, I will.
Dr. Alfred Hofstadter
: I'm an agnostic myself, but I have prayed many times to God. To turn my wife into a pillar of salt. Mary Cooper
: Well, he came close. Turned her into a giant block o' ice.
: Yeah, I get it. You got a lot of cats and you gave 'em cute Jewish names. Sheldon Cooper
: What are you doing here? Mary Cooper
: Leonard called, and he said that you were pining for a young lady. Sheldon Cooper
: Oh, that's preposterous. I'm not pining over anyone. Mary Cooper
: Oh, lamb chop, we can quibble what to call it, but I think we can both agree it's creepy.
: Sheldon, sit down. Let's talk. Sheldon Cooper
: All right. But you're not fooling me. Whenever you say we have to talk it means you want me to listen. Mary Cooper
: Then stop talking. Sheldon Cooper
: Yes ma'am.
: Sheldon Lee Cooper. You get back in this room right now. And bring a mop. Sheldon Cooper
: Did you hear that? A mop. I have two PhD's yet somehow I'm the janitor of my sister's birth canal.
: Don't send it back yet. Your sister's married and I'm not letting your brother give my grandmother's ring to that whore he's dating. Sheldon Cooper
: Wasn't Mary Magdelene a woman of ill repute? Mary Cooper
: When your idiot brother redeems mankind he can date whoever he wants.