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Quotes for
Todd Smith (Character)
from "Todd and the Book of Pure Evil" (2010)

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"Todd and the Book of Pure Evil: 2 Girls, 1 Tongue (#2.10)" (2012)
[first lines]
Jenny Kolinsky: Ok, we need some new ideas gang, and fast.
Todd Smith: I've got an awesome idea: You. Me. Brainstorming ideas. This weekend.
Jenny Kolinsky: Ok yeah. Except, instead of you and me, let's make it the four of us. And instead of this weekend, let's make it right now.
Todd Smith: That's a weird date?
Jenny Kolinsky: It's not a date. That's the point.

Jenny Kolinsky, Hannah B. Williams, Curtis Weaver, Charlotte, Todd Smith: [singing] Love is Heaven, Love is Hell. Will these feelings last? Only time will tell.

Todd Smith: [singing] I can't fight it, don't wanna hide it, being horny makes me horny!

Hannah B. Williams: [singing] Let's put an end to this sordid mess, let's have ourselves a "Curtis Test".
Jenny Kolinsky: Curtis question number one: His favorite heavy metal song?
[Hannah and Charlotte are silent]
Jenny Kolinsky: Witches and Bitches is the answer, name of the band is Satan has Cancer.
Todd Smith: What is Curtis's middle name? Richard, Roger, John, or James?
Charlotte: James!
Hannah B. Williams: John?
Todd Smith: Oh, too bad, what a shame. Curtis doesn't have a middle name.
Curtis Weaver: My parent's couldn't be bothered, but I am fond of the name Roger.
Jenny Kolinsky: Final question, number three: Curtis is failing Science, Math, or History?
Charlotte: Math!
Hannah B. Williams: Science?
Jenny Kolinsky: Answer is: he's failing all three!
Curtis Weaver: [singing] Guess it's community college for me. Yeah!
Todd Smith: [singing] How are we ever gonna find out, who's the Phantom and who's not?
Charlotte: [Screams]
Charlotte: [singing] I admit it! I'm the real phantom!
Charlotte: [spoken] I can't take any more singing! I fucking hate musicals!


"Todd and the Book of Pure Evil: Rock N' Roll Zombies Know Best (#1.3)" (2010)
Todd Smith: Oh, I'm sorry, did I just make you jealous?
Jenny Kolinsky: Don't be an idiot.
Todd Smith: I may be an idiot, but, I'm an idiot with a hot date.

Todd Smith: Dude, the only reason I'm here is to get Jenny jealous.
Curtis Weaver: I respect that. But, not only are we gonna lose our virginities, we're gonna get laid!

Todd Smith: I just wanted to let you know that, um, nothing happened between me and Marcy... and Curtis.
Jenny Kolinsky: Why would I care one way or the other?
Todd Smith: You don't care that I almost had an orgy with your best friend?
Jenny Kolinsky: I'm glad you weren't eaten alive by zombies, okay?

Todd Smith: Ladies, let's get this orgy started!


"Todd and the Book of Pure Evil: Terrible Twin Turf Tussle (#1.7)" (2010)
Jenny Kolinsky: What the hell are you doing?
Todd Smith: No time to talk Jenny, we're on the hunt for the book which apparently has nothing to do with Lesbians.

Curtis Weaver: Get in touch with your feminine side.
Todd Smith: Dude, I'm still trying to get in touch with my masculine side.

Hannah B. Williams: Todd? Can I talk to you privately?
Hannah B. Williams: I've been doing a lot of thinking, and I realize now that you're not the one for me, and I'm not the one for you. And that's ok, and I have no choice but to let you go.
Todd Smith: [confused] Huh?
Hannah B. Williams: [softly] I'm breaking up with you.
Todd Smith: [confused] I didn't even know that we were going out...
Hannah B. Williams: Okay, if denial helps you cope with the pain, then that's ok.
Hannah B. Williams: [puts Todd's hand over his heart] Heal thyself.


"Todd and the Book of Pure Evil: Gay Day (#1.4)" (2010)
Todd Smith: Stop looking at my ass!
Curtis Weaver: Then stop waving it in my face.

Todd Smith: Hey Jenny, even though they don't turn me on anymore, I still really like your... friends. You know, as friends?
Jenny Kolinsky: Stay gay, Todd, stay gay.

Todd Smith: Hey Jenny, I think I need to take the gay test again?
Jenny Kolinsky: Not on your life, Todd.
Hannah B. Williams: I'll give you the test.
Todd Smith: Nah, that's okay Hannah.


"Todd and the Book of Pure Evil: Daddy Tissues (#2.3)" (2011)
Todd Smith: What do you want, dickbag?
Atticus Murphy Jr.: Dickbag? Tell me, do you just take random obscenities, and pair them up with equally random nouns? "Cock Lamp?" "Ass Taxi?" "Shit Rooster?" Is that the way it works?
Todd Smith: [Scoffs] No, we can do way better than that
Curtis Weaver: [Recording voice note on his metal arm] Note to self: Call somebody a "shit rooster"

Rob: I just got one question: Where's the donuts?
Todd Smith: You don't eat donuts with espresso, douche. That's why I got biscotti.

Rufus: Hey gang, what's shaking?
Todd Smith: Uhh... who are you?
Jenny Kolinsky: Rufus Newman, you're a dog twat.
Rufus: What'd I ever do to you?
Jenny Kolinsky: Yesterday you asked Hannah and I to have a three-way with you in the bathroom.


"Todd and the Book of Pure Evil: The Student Body (#2.2)" (2011)
Atticus Murphy Jr.: I'm gonna destroy your little Gang!
Todd Smith: There is no Gang anymore. It's just me and you. And I'm gonna find the Book before you do, and then I'm gonna kick your ass!
Atticus Murphy Jr.: Believe me, my ass can take a lot of pounding.
Todd Smith: [confused] I didn't say "pound", I said "kick"
Atticus Murphy Jr.: Same thing
Todd Smith: No... it really isn't.
Atticus Murphy Jr.: Yeah... it is.
Todd Smith: Fine. Have it your way, I'm still gonna find the Book before you do.
[walks away]
Atticus Murphy Jr.: [calling after Todd] Oh, I'll find the Book before you Todd Smith! And I'll be waiting with anticipation for that ass-pounding.

Todd Smith: Hey, at least they don't call her margarine.
The Student Body: Huh?
Todd Smith: Because she "spreads easy".


"Todd and the Book of Pure Evil: Jungle Fever (#2.5)" (2011)
Todd Smith: Are you ready?
Curtis Weaver: I was stillborn ready.

Jenny Kolinsky: I'm hungry, let's go eat something.
Todd Smith, Curtis Weaver: Banana Splits!
Jenny Kolinsky: How many times do I have to tell you guys? I'm lactose intolerant?
Todd Smith: So? Just eat it without the ice cream.
Curtis Weaver: Yeah, put some cheese on it. I can hook you up!
[dabs Jenny's nose with con queso cheese from his robot arm]
Jenny Kolinsky: Curtis!
[wipes cheese off]
Jenny Kolinsky: Gross!


"Todd and the Book of Pure Evil: How to Make a Homunculus (#1.2)" (2010)
Todd Smith: I've had it with you assholes and your mystical bullshit! The Book is not my problem!

Todd Smith: So, I guess my plan saved you from mortal danger, huh?
Jenny Kolinsky: Is that what you did?
Todd Smith: Yeah, aren't you gonna... you know?
Jenny Kolinsky: No, I don't know, what do you want?
Todd Smith: Umm, candy in the pants?
Jenny Kolinsky: I don't know what that means, and even if I did, I'd still be grossed out.


"Todd and the Book of Pure Evil: Todd the Metal God (#1.1)" (2010)
Todd: I'm going to make you bleed out your ass!

Todd: Prepare to be conquered, Crowley High!


"Todd and the Book of Pure Evil: Monster Fat (#1.5)" (2010)
Todd Smith: It was the greatest dream I've ever had!
Curtis Weaver: Wet dreams are the best.
Todd Smith: Dude, I didn't say it was a wet dream.
Curtis Weaver: It couldn't have been that good then.
Todd Smith: Were you there?
Curtis Weaver: I don't know, was I?
Todd Smith: Why would you be in my sex dream, dude?
Curtis Weaver: Maybe I dropped by to say hi, or to borrow something?
Todd Smith: No, it was just Me and Jenny.

Todd Smith: Curtis, I think we're screwed.
Curtis Weaver: Well, if I get screwed dude, I'd want it to be with you.


"Todd and the Book of Pure Evil: Invasion of the Stupid Snatchers (#1.6)" (2010)
Todd Smith: Well, what's that you're smoking?
Eddie: Oregano; Loser.
Todd Smith: Well, why am I the loser, if you're the one who's smoking oregano?


"Todd and the Book of Pure Evil: Simply the Beast (#2.4)" (2011)
Todd Smith: Jenny you shouldn't be dressed like that. Especially on the day of the Pep Rally, The Beast will get you.
Hannah B. Williams: Three cheerleaders disappeared yesterday, aren't you worried?
Jenny Kolinsky: We do this every week, obviously somebody's used the book and they're doing stuff with cheerleaders. I'm staying undercover.
Todd Smith: Well... it's time for us to get "uptercover".
Jenny Kolinsky: Wow, I hope you're better at finding beasts than you are at knowing words. Buh-bye.