Linda Zwordling
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Quotes for
Linda Zwordling (Character)
from "Better Off Ted" (2009)

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"Better Off Ted: Mess of a Salesman (#2.11)" (2010)
Linda Zwordling: [to Veronica] There's really no middle ground with you. Either you don't care at all or you care 100 and crazy %.

Veronica: I'm getting an award! Every year the Veridian Charitable Foundation honours someone who's been outstanding and this year they've chosen me.
Linda Zwordling: For what?
Veronica: For being outstanding!
Linda Zwordling: For being outstanding at what?
Veronica: [pause] *I'm* getting an award!
Ted Crisp: You realize as an honouree you're gonna have to raise a bunch of money for the foundation?
Veronica: I know, that's the part I'm dreading. Linda, you do it for me. Huh, that wasn't so bad!
Linda Zwordling: Before I agree to do something I have no choice in, do you even know which charity Veridian's giving the money too?
Veronica: [pause] *I'm getting at award!*

Linda Zwordling: His head made a boop sound!
Veronica Palmer: Boop!

Veronica: It's time for this fawn to strap on a machine gun, spread it's wings, and fly
Linda Zwordling: Okay, what exactly do you think a fawn is?

Linda Zwordling: [Speaking to Mr. Page; head of the Veridian charity foundation] No, we're not done here. This woman opened her heart, and that happens so rarely, you could hear the hinges squeak. I will not let you slam that rusty heart door shut.
Veronica: [From behind Linda] Go, Linda. Release your anger.
Linda Zwordling: You will not crush this woman's spirit and love. You spineless, condescending bureaucrat.
Veronica: Good, Linda. Only your hatred can destroy him.
Linda Zwordling: You, sir, are a bad egg.
Veronica: Yes! now strike!
Linda Zwordling: [Head butts Mr. Page] Wow. Where did that come from?
Veronica: I *am* a good mentor.


"Better Off Ted: The Great Repression (#2.5)" (2010)
Linda Zwordling: I don't want a sex disease! Especially one that's assigned to me by my supervisor.

Linda Zwordling: I don't want to lose this job. What am I supposed to do? Go back to Wisconsin and work in the cheese mines? After I made that big speech, threw down my cheese shovel, and stormed out?


"Better Off Ted: Through Rose Colored HAZMAT Suits (#1.3)" (2009)
Linda: I gotta go. I gotta meet Don at the Who Cares What People Think Cafe. Where if someone sees something that they want, they just have it, and it's the best thing they've ever had. Because that meal's been practicing yoga for seven years. In case you missed it, by "that meal," I mean me. I'm bad at metaphors, but I'm great at sex.


"Better Off Ted: You Are the Boss of Me (#1.8)" (2009)
Linda Zwordling: I don't know why I drink. I always either get laid or fired.
[Exit]
Lem Hewitt: [to Phil] I have to start drinking. I like those odds.


"Better Off Ted: Bioshuffle (#1.9)" (2009)
Linda: Are you staring at my butt?
Ted: Hm? No, your butt is in my staring place. So technically, it's staring at me.
Linda: Sorry. It's from a small town. It's never seen a big business man like you before.
Ted: Well, tell it to act more professional. It's making a spectacle of itself.


"Better Off Ted: Win Some, Dose Some (#1.5)" (2009)
Linda Zwordling: The Jewish people have had such a tumultuous history, and yet they were still able to give us this: the everything bagel. It's all you'd ever want in one bagel. I love it - and the chosen people who created it.


"Better Off Ted: Jabberwocky (#1.12)" (2009)
Linda: Well, I'm not supposed to tell anyone, but I'm building a rooftop garden and I need a super energy-efficient way to light it at night.
Lem Hewitt: Have you considered a 'plove'?