Captain Thaddeus Harris
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Police Academy (1984)
Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: My name is Lieutenant Harris! In case you missed it. This is Sergeant Callahan! In case you missed it. We are the meanest instructors here. We've got you because you are the worst people here. You are "D" Squad; "D" for "dirtbags." When I say: "Hey, dirtbags!" that means you. You people are going to hate my guts for the rest of your lives. I am going to make you sorry that you ever came here.

Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: Son, where did you get that gun?
Cadet Eugene Tackleberry: [smiling proudly] My mum gave it to me.

Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: Mahoney! Remember, that nobody screws with me.
Carey Mahoney: Well, maybe you'll meet the right girl and all that will change.

Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: You make me sick.
Carey Mahoney: Thank you, sir. I make everybody sick.

Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: Hey! Why didn't you guys call me this weekend?
Cadet Kyle Blankes: Well, nothing really happened, sir.
Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: There was a party, wasn't there?
Cadet Kyle Blankes: Yes, sir.
Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: Well, what went on?
Cadet Chad Copeland: Dancing, sir. Mostly dancing.
Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: [to himself] Dancing?

Carey Mahoney: Sir. Look, sir, new pants.
Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: [notices that Mahoney is holding the megaphone] What are you doing with that? Give me that.
[Harris grabs his megaphone from Mahoney and uses it, without noticing that Mahoney applied brown shoe polish on it]
Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: All right, you scumballs. You have a 30 minutes to hit the showers and get to class. Let's go! Move it! Move it! Move it! Pick it up! Pick it up! Pick it up, assholes!
[Harris then turns to Cmdt. Lassard, with shoe polish from his megaphone all around his lips, looking like a goatee]
Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: So far, nobody's quit, but they will.
[Cmdt. Lassard laughs at Harris. Harris, thinking that perhaps he said something funny, joins his laughter]

Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: Now, I thought it would be nice if we were to close out our first afternoon together with a nice little stroll around the campus.
[shouts]
Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: Move out, maggots!

Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: What the hell are you doing here?
Cadet Laverne Hooks: I wanna be a police officer.
Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: What? I can't hear you-u?
Cadet Laverne Hooks: [whispering] I wanna be a police officer.
Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: Don't unpack.

Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: Then, Mahoney, my little pissant... you are out of the Academy forever. Get your stuff, and get out. Too bad, so sad, bye-bye.

Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: You know, Mahoney, I'd like to spend the next ten weeks breaking you into little pieces. But I won't. Because you're bad. You're bad for morale, Mahoney. Oh, you look like the sweet little boy from next door. But you don't fool me, oh no. You're the devil, and you're rotten to the core, and you're ruining my chance to train some people who might make pretty good cops!

Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: [On their way to a riot zone] We are being sent to a safe area away from the disturbance. Our job will be to divert traffic away from the trouble zone, and to protect public property. You will have live ammunition, but there will be no call to use it - TACKLEBERRY! Do you understand, numbnuts?

Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: Well, well, well... I told you not to try me, boy. Stand up.
[Mahoney stands up]
Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: Now, I want you two squad leaders to take Mr. Mahoney here, and run him until he throws up.
Cadet Kyle Blankes, Cadet Chad Copeland: Yes, sir.
Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: Then, just after he throws up... run him some more.
Cadet Kyle Blankes, Cadet Chad Copeland: Yes, sir.
Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: You are going to learn, Mahoney, that nobody - *nobody* - screws with me.

Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: [having had his head recently removed from a horse's behind] You told, no one?
Carey Mahoney: Not a soul.
[Harris passes in front of the line of cadets, and is annoyed to see that they are all straining not to laugh at him. He becomes even more annoyed when he notices that Sgt. Callahan is also on the verge of bursting out laughing. When he passes near Jones, Jones makes sound of horse neigh, as if to make it clear that everyone heard about the embarrassing incident]

Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: [Mahoney and Blankes are in Lt.Harris' office due to Barbara throwing the first punch at Copeland via lunch tray. Harris is cleaning his stick] Who threw the first punch? That's all I want to know.
Cadet Kyle Blankes: [before Mahoney can answer] Barbara did.
Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: Barbara?
Cadet Kyle Blankes: That's right.
Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: Then he's out of here. Him and his queer dog.

Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: [In the TV Version edited with no swearing] What is it? What is it?
Cadet Chad Copeland: She ran over my feet!
Cadet Laverne Hooks: Oh, I'm sorry. I really am.
Cadet Chad Copeland: Sorry? You dumb, fat nincompoop!


Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach (1988)
Sgt. Moses Hightower: Sir, I realize this is your jurisdiction. But if there is a rescue attempt, we would like to volunteer.
Capt. Thaddeus Harris: Commissioner Murdock, I couldn't agree more. I think it is vital that the rescues know Commandant Lassard intimately. Now, I can vouch for the abilities of these officers. After all, I trained them myself.
Sgt. Larvell Jones: Must be the drugs.

[Captain Harris, with the word Dork burned into his chest, approaches a bar where Cmndt. Lassard, Chief Hurst, Chief Murdock, and the Mayor of Miami are seated]
Capt. Thaddeus Harris: Oh Mr. Mayor, excuse me sir. I don't mean to insult your city, but the people on this beach are very rude and hostile.
Mayor of Miami: Well, I'm sorry to hear that... Captain Dork!
[the gentlemen at the bar break down in laughter, and Harris finally realizes what has been burned on to his chest]

Capt. Thaddeus Harris: Some dickhead is standing in my sun!
Sgt. Nick Lassard: Oh, Captain Harris! Hey, I didn't see you there. You know, I don't think we've been introduced. My name is Nick...
Capt. Thaddeus Harris: I don't care who you are, buttwipe. Just get out of my sun!
Sgt. Nick Lassard: Buttwipe?
Capt. Thaddeus Harris: Scram, sleazeball!
Sgt. Nick Lassard: Okay, fine.
[Leaves]
Sgt. Nick Lassard: Buttwipe, huh? Never heard that before.
Lt. Proctor: That was great, Sir!
Capt. Thaddeus Harris: Proctor?
Lt. Proctor: Yes, Sir?
Capt. Thaddeus Harris: Now you're in my sun.

Capt. Thaddeus Harris: Proctor! Where is Proctor?

Capt. Thaddeus Harris: You'll never get away with this, you two-bit filthy scum!
Tony: What did he call me?
Mouse: Scum.
Tony: Ah. Well, perhaps you'd like to leave now.
[snaps fingers]
Tony: Mouse?
[Mouse cocks his pistol]
Capt. Thaddeus Harris: [laughs weakly] About that "filthy scum" comment...
Tony: Shut up, shark bait.
Capt. Thaddeus Harris: "Shark bait"?


Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol (1987)
Captain Harris: Don't touch those! Don't you ever touch my balls without asking!

Capt. Thaddeus Harris: Citizens On Patrol. What a joke. You know what C.O.P. really stands for Proctor?
Proctor: No sir what?
Capt. Thaddeus Harris: Collection Of Pissants.
[Proctor laughs]
Capt. Thaddeus Harris: That's not funny Proctor.
Proctor: No sir.

Capt. Thaddeus Harris: Proctor, this is an alley.
Proctor: I know sir but these are the directions Mahoney gave me.
Capt. Thaddeus Harris: Mahoney?
Proctor: Yes he says this restaurant has the best salad bar in town.
Capt. Thaddeus Harris: Well it damn sure better have!
[they go inside]
Capt. Thaddeus Harris: Proctor, I don't see a salad bar.
Proctor: [sees the name of the restaurant, "The Blue Oyster"] Look sir. Maybe they serve seafood.
[laughs]
Capt. Thaddeus Harris: Not funny you idiot!

Captain Harris: [finding Zed and Laura by the pool] This is not a spawning pool!

Captain Harris: What are you looking at, you... peckerhead!


Police Academy 6: City Under Siege (1989)
Captain Harris: Proctor! You have been singing Christmas songs for the entire five hours of this stakeout. And Christmas is a good four months away. If you sing so much as one more note... I will shoot you.

[Harris has just been hurt in a multi-car pile-up]
Lt. Proctor: Sir...
Captain Harris: Don't say it, Proctor!
Lt. Proctor: But sir...
Captain Harris: Don't say it!
[Harris walks away]
Lt. Proctor: Told him so.
Captain Harris: [From a distance away] I heard that!

Mayor: Hello, guys and gals! Oh, boy. I wish I had a picture of your stupid faces!
Captain Harris: Mr. Mayor!
Mayor: Hello, Harris, you stupid twit!


Police Academy: Mission to Moscow (1994)
Captain Thaddeus Harris: Not exactly a four star hotel, is it?
Lieutenant Talinsky: Well, we spend our police budget on fighting criminals, not on pampering out of town visitors.
Captain Thaddeus Harris: It was your government that brought us here!
Lieutenant Talinsky: They also bring in monkeys for zoo, but we don't put them in four star hotel either!