Amy Farrah Fowler
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Quotes for
Amy Farrah Fowler (Character)
from "The Big Bang Theory" (2007)

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"The Big Bang Theory: The Isolation Permutation (#5.8)" (2011)
[first lines]
Penny: Bernadette, how goes the hunt for bridesmaid dresses?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Well, if you don't mind looking like an orange traffic cone, great.
Amy Farrah Fowler: [entering] Girlfriends, I have the answer to our dress problems.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Really?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Twelve years ago, my cousin, Irene, and her entire family died in a horrific carbon monoxide accident the night before her wedding.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: That's horrible!
Amy Farrah Fowler: Yes and no. All those bridesmaids dresses remain unused and available to us for free. So it seems that cloud of odorless deadly gas had a silver lining after all. Check it out; still in the bags - the gowns, not the bridesmaids.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I don't know; dead people's dresses?
Penny: Yeah, and cap sleeves? Uh-unn...

Bernadette Rostenkowski: Amy, we're really sorry.
Penny: Yeah, we feel awful.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Don't. I'll be okay. You're not the first girls I thought were friends with me who ended up shunning me. It's like elementary school, junior high, high school, undergrad, grad school and that semester abroad in Norway all over again.

Amy Farrah Fowler: Hey, Cuddles!
Leonard Hofstadter: Cuddles?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes, Cuddles. We cuddled. Grow up, Leonard.

Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon! What would it take for you to go into that liquor store, buy a bottle of hooch, take me across the street to that motel and have your way with me?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, Sheldon, what would it take?
Sheldon Cooper: I'm begging both of you, please, let's go!

Amy Farrah Fowler: Wait for moi.
Sheldon Cooper: You're leaving?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon, sometimes you forget. I'm a lady, and with that comes an estrogen-fueled need to page through thick, glossy magazines that make me hate my body.

Amy Farrah Fowler: Proposal: one wild night of torrid lovemaking that soothes my soul and inflames my loins.
Sheldon Cooper: Counter-proposal: I will gently stroke your head and repeat "Aww, who's a good Amy?"
Amy Farrah Fowler: How about this? French kissing. Seven minutes in heaven, culminating in second base.
Sheldon Cooper: Neck massage, then you get me that beverage.
Amy Farrah Fowler: We cuddle. Final offer.
Sheldon Cooper: Very well.

Amy Farrah Fowler: [as she and Sheldon cuddle] I'm just saying, second base is right there.

Amy Farrah Fowler: [Dissecting a brain] Yay, brain tumor! Probably not the same reaction you had when you got the news.

Amy Farrah Fowler: Look at this brain.
Penny: [Turning away] I don't really want to.
Amy Farrah Fowler: This is us. Bernadette, you are the analytical, scientific left hemisphere. Penny, you're the creative, spontaneous right hemisphere. And where's Amy? She's right here. The sad little tumor no-one wants to go dress shopping with.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Amy, you're not a tumor. Penny, tell her she's not a tumor, huh.
[Penny vomits into a waste basket]

Amy Farrah Fowler: What do you want? Do you want me to give the friendship bracelet back?
Penny: I never gave you a friendship bracelet.
Amy Farrah Fowler: When we first met, I made one and pretended you gave it to me; you can have it back if you want.
Penny: No, you made that for you. I want you to have it.

[last lines]
[Amy is filming them trying on the dresses]
Amy Farrah Fowler: C'mon, Bestie, you're up.
Penny: Gimme a minute.
Amy Farrah Fowler: What is taking you so long.
[Amy opens dressing room door]
Penny: Oh! Amy, get the hell out of here.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Sorry. Sorry.
Penny: Oh God.
[Amy swings the camera back on Penny again]
Penny: Amy!
Amy Farrah Fowler: Sorry.

Amy Farrah Fowler: Wait, Sheldon, what would it take for you to go into that liquor store, buy a bottle of hooch, and take me across the steet to that motel and have your way with me?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah Sheldon, what would it take?
Sheldon: I'm begging both of you, let's go.

Leonard Hofstadter: [listening to Sheldon ramble] Amy, how long would it take that mad cow disease to kill me?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Four or five years.
Leonard Hofstadter: [considering it] Nope, not gonna do it.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Workplace Proximity (#7.5)" (2013)
[first lines]
Penny: Awkward silence, Sheldon on his phone, no touching, somebody's having date night.
Amy Farrah Fowler: It's actually steamier than it looks; Sheldon's looking up the phallic symbolism of root vegetables in Renaissance paintings.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, no, I got bored with that; I'm just browsing cuticle scissors on Amazon.
Penny: How do you not tear off his clothes and take him right here on this table?
Sheldon Cooper: If you do that, I'll scream.

Amy Farrah Fowler: This project would have us working in close proximity to one another, and there's the vulgar adage that one should not defecate where one eats.
Sheldon Cooper: My father used to say that all the time. That and um, "who does one have to orally gratify to get a drink around here?" But what does that have to do with you working at the university?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon, don't defecate where you eat means don't have a romantic relationship in the workplace.
Sheldon Cooper: Really!
Amy Farrah Fowler: Yes.
Sheldon Cooper: Hnh. I always took it literally. That's why I have never once moved my bowels in this or any restaurant.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I'm relieved that you don't have a problem with us working together.
Sheldon Cooper: Not as relieved as I'm about to be. It's a brave new world, little lady.
[he heads toward the washroom]

Sheldon Cooper: [knock knock knock] Amy-Bernadette-Penny.
[knock knock knock]
Sheldon Cooper: Amy-Bernadette-Penny.
[knock knock knock]
Sheldon Cooper: Amy-Bernadette-Penny.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: He's never going to stop doing that, is he?
Amy Farrah Fowler: I don't mind. I'm hoping to put his love of repetition to good use some day.

Amy Farrah Fowler: And this is Dr. Gunderson from Stockholm.
Sheldon Cooper: Ja-ah, Sweden. The home of my favorite Muppet and uh second favorite meatball.
[Amy and Gunderson just stare at him]
Sheldon Cooper: OK. The Nordic reputation for lack of humor is well founded.
[Amy and Gunderson look at each other]
Sheldon Cooper: Boy, is his name Gunderson or Nofunderson?

Amy Farrah Fowler: What do you want?
Sheldon Cooper: Amy, This isn't easy to say. All relationships are difficult. But even more so when you're in one with a person who struggles with everyday social interactions, and frankly who can strike some people as being kind of a weirdo.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon, you're not a weirdo.
Sheldon Cooper: I wasn't speaking about me. I mean, honestly, there's no telling what will set you off. Now, uh, introducing myself as your boyfriend, giving you the opportunity to drive me home. Breaking the ice with your colleagues using ethnic humor, the funniest kind of humor.
Amy Farrah Fowler: What's your point?
Sheldon Cooper: My point is we're a couple, and I like you for who you are. Quirks and all.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I like you too.
Sheldon Cooper: I should hope so. I don't see anyone else banging on this door to put up with your nonsense.
[she closes the door in his face]
Sheldon Cooper: [through the door] Not even a good-bye. You see, that's the kind of thing makes people think you're weird.
Sheldon Cooper: [to himself] Poor kid. She just doesn't see it.

Sheldon Cooper: [Knock... knock... knock] . Amy.
[Knock... knock... knock]
Sheldon Cooper: . Amy.
[Knock... knock... knock]
Sheldon Cooper: . Amy.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon, what are you doing here so late?
Sheldon Cooper: I couldn't sleep because I kept thinking about what happened earlier between us. Also I had one heck of a bus nap. Oh speaking of which. Do you want some mutton and coconut milk?
Amy Farrah Fowler: No.
Sheldon Cooper: Boy, I cannot give this stuff away.
Amy Farrah Fowler: What do you want?
Sheldon Cooper: Amy, this isn't easy to say. All relationships are difficult, but even more so when you're in one with a person who struggles with everyday social interactions and frankly who can strike some people as being kind of a weirdo.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon, you're not a weirdo.
Sheldon Cooper: I wasn't speaking about me. I mean honestly, there's no telling what will set you off. You know, introducing myself as your boyfriend. Giving you the opportunity to drive me home. Breaking the ice with your colleagues using ethnic humor, you're funniest kind of humor.
Amy Farrah Fowler: What's your point?
Sheldon Cooper: My point is we're a couple and I like you for who you are quirks and all.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I like you too.
Sheldon Cooper: I should hope so. I don't see anyone else banging on this door to put up with your nonsense.
[Amy slams the door in his face]
Sheldon Cooper: Not even a goodbye. You see, that's the kind of thing that makes people think you're weird. Poor kid, she just doesn't see it.

Bernadette Rostenkowski: I'm not apologizing to Howard. He can come begging on his knees.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon too. If I see him at work I'm just going to ignore him.

Sheldon Cooper: [Knock, knock, knock] . Amy, Bernadette, Penny.
[Knock, knock, knock]
Sheldon Cooper: . Amy, Bernadette, Penny.
[Knock, knock, knock]
Sheldon Cooper: . Amy, Bernadette, Penny.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: He's not going to stop doing that, is he?
Amy Farrah Fowler: I don't mind. I'm hoping to put his love of repetition to good use some day.

Amy Farrah Fowler: And this is Dr. Gunderson from Stockholm.
Sheldon Cooper: Aw, Sweden. Home of my favorite Muppet and second favorite meatball. OK. The Nordic reputation for a lack of humor is well founded. Wait. Is his name Gunderson or No-Funderson?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Where are we going with this, Dr. Cooper?
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, please. I'm your boyfriend. Call me Sheldon. That's right. I'm in a boy-girl relationship with this cute little lump of wool.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon.
Sheldon Cooper: It is a physical relationship too. Hand holding; hugging; even on hot days. Ow! Here's an new one. Apparently now we kick each other in the shin under the table. How do you like it when I do it to you? Not so much, huh?

"The Big Bang Theory: The Herb Garden Germination (#4.20)" (2011)
[Amy is telling Sheldon about her addiction research]
Amy: I recently trained a capuchin monkey to smoke cigarettes.
Sheldon: Have you learned anything?
Amy: Yes. He looks much cooler than the non-smoking monkeys. Although it's not much of a contest. The other monkeys just sit around and masturbate.

Sheldon: I'm no stranger to memetic epidemiology. At Johnson Elementary School, the phrase "Shelly Cooper's a smelly pooper" spread like wildfire.
Amy: I should think so. That's gold.

Amy: Sheldon and I engaged in sexual intercourse. In other news, I'm thinking of starting an herb garden. Mum's the word! Gotta go!

Amy: Bernadette just asked about my sexual encounter with you. The meme has reached full penetration.
Sheldon: Pun intended?
Amy: No. Happy accident.
Sheldon: This is remarkable. Took less than 24 hours.
Amy: I should let you know that she asked for details about our dalliance.
Sheldon: Interesting. So it went beyond the mere fact of coitus to a blow-by-blow, as it were.
Amy: Pun intended?
Sheldon: I'm sorry, what pun?

Amy: I described your lovemaking as aloof, but effective.
Sheldon: I wish you hadn't done that! That's going to make me a chick magnet, and I'm so busy as it is.

[first lines]
Brian Greene: My new book, 'The Hidden Reality', takes on a grand question: Is *our* universe the only universe? You see, there's a growing belief among scientists like me that ours may only be one among many universes populating a gigantic cosmos. In 'The Hidden Reality' I explore this possibility without presuming any knowledge of mathematics or physics on the part of the reader.
Sheldon: [to Amy] Hysterical.
Amy: [to Sheldon] I'm glad you talked me into this. We work so hard sometimes it's nice to goof off and do something silly.
Sheldon: Agreed. Yo, wait 'til you hear how he dumbs down Werner Heisenberg for the crowd. You may actually believe you're in a comedy club.
Brian Greene: You can think about Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle much like the special order menu that you find in certain Chinese restaurants where you have dishes in column A and other dishes in column B, and if you order the first dish in column A you can't order the corresponding dish in column B; that's sort of like the Uncertainty Principle.
Sheldon: Ba-dum-bump.

[last lines]
Amy: [to Penny] Just stopped by to let you know I'm getting orthotics. Also I'm carrying Sheldon's baby. Mum's the word.
[Amy, walking down the stairs, meets Leonard, who is coming up looking at his cell phone]
Leonard: You're *pregnant*?
Amy: Wow. Is there anything on there about orthotics?

Amy: I'm glad you talked me into this. We work so hard, sometimes, it's nice to goof off and do something silly.

Amy: [proposing her gossip experiment] Are you familiar with meme theory?
Sheldon: I'm familiar with everything, but go on.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition (#5.10)" (2011)
Sheldon Cooper: I believe I would like to alter the paradigm of our relationship.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I'm listening.
Sheldon Cooper: With the understanding that nothing changes, whatsoever. Physical or otherwise. I would not object to us no longer characterizing you as not my girlfriend.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Interesting. Now, try it without the quadruple negative.
Sheldon Cooper: You're being impossible.
[Amy leans over to Stuart]
Amy Farrah Fowler: Hi, Stuart!
Sheldon Cooper: Fine!
[Amy leans back to Sheldon again]
Sheldon Cooper: Amy... Will you be my girlfriend?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Yes.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, that's enough of that.

Sheldon Cooper: I got a splinter.
Amy Farrah Fowler: What do you want me to do about it?
Sheldon Cooper: Relationship agreement, section 4: Boo-boos and ouchies. You have to take care of it.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I should have gotten a lawyer.

Stuart: So, other than you taking your relationship to the next level with another guy, this was nice!
Amy Farrah Fowler: Yes, well, thanks for seeing me to my door.
Stuart: Oh, you're welcome.
Sheldon Cooper: [Knocking from inside Amy's apartment] Amy! Amy! Amy! Let's wrap things up out there!
Amy Farrah Fowler: Umm... Good night Stuart!
Stuart: Good night!
[They hug]
Sheldon Cooper: Take a hint Stuart, the lady said good night!

Sheldon Cooper: I got a splinter.
Amy Farrah Fowler: What do you want me to do about it?
Sheldon Cooper: Relationship Agreement Section 4: Boo-Boos and Ouchies. You have to take care of it.

Sheldon Cooper: So, what do you think of new comic book night? Magic, right?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon, I'm disappointed in you. Sure, a genius such as yourself is allowed his vices. I can understand frequenting an opium den or hunting your fellow men for sport, but this? Lame-o.
Sheldon Cooper: A. comic books are storytelling through the use of sequential art, a medium that has existed for 17,000 years back to the cave art of Lascaux; and B. you play the harp, like that's cool.

Stuart: Need help finding anything you like?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Yeah, a comic book without a woman whose bosom could be used as a flotation device.
Stuart: Sorry, people who come here like big boobs. Some of them have big boobs.

[Sheldon joins Amy and Stuart on their date]
Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon, what are you doing here?
Sheldon Cooper: The thought of you sitting in a darkened theater with a character like Stuart is repellent. No offence Stuart.
Stuart: None taken. Though repellent's kind of a, kind of a strong word.

Penny: Looks like we killed the bottle.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I only had half a glass.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I didn't drink any.
Penny: Don't judge me.

Amy Farrah Fowler: How did you get into my apartment?
Sheldon Cooper: Is this the kind of nagging I'm going to expect now that you're my girlfriend?

"The Big Bang Theory: The Cooper Extraction (#7.11)" (2013)
Sheldon Cooper: I'm on my way out.
Leonard Hofstadter: Where?
Sheldon Cooper: Texas.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Right now? Why?
Leonard Hofstadter: Someone sick?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes. My sister's uterus came down with a baby.
Penny: Oh, she's pregnant? That's great; you're going to be an uncle. Uncle Sheldon.
Sheldon Cooper: No, I will be Uncle Dr. Cooper.
Amy Farrah Fowler: How come you never said she was pregnant?
Sheldon Cooper: I never told you about my brother's kidney stone. You want to hear about everything that comes out of my family's genitals?

Sheldon Cooper: The second I go out of town you throw a Christmas party without me?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Yeah, kinda.
Sheldon Cooper: That's so thoughtful. You guys are the best.

Bernadette Rostenkowski: Now, I was thinking. Without Sheldon, most of us would have never met, but Penny would have still live across from him.
Amy Farrah Fowler: And with Leonard out of the picture, we all know what that would mean.
Penny: We do?
Penny: [Sheldon is sorting laundry and Penny enters in Amy's fantasy] Hey, Sheldon.
Sheldon Cooper: Hello.
Penny: [seductively] Doing laundry?
Sheldon Cooper: Of course I'm doing laundry. Saturday night is laundry night and I'm in a laundry room, so... I believe your inference is justified.
Penny: Oh, my inference is justified. Sheldon, you are so funny, Anyway, I need to do my laundry, too, because these clothes are so dirty. Almost as dirty as the dirty girl who's wearing them.
Penny: [Listening to the story] OK, that's enough.
Leonard Hofstadter: Disagree.
Raj Koothrappali: keep going.
Penny: [Standing in her bra] So. What do you think?
Sheldon Cooper: A tad asymmetrical, but nothing to be concerned about.
Penny: Please, Sheldon, I need you.
Sheldon Cooper: To... what?
Penny: To take me.
Sheldon Cooper: I'm not taking you anywhere till you put on a shirt.
Penny: Come on, Sheldon. You and me, right here.
Sheldon Cooper: Penny, for the thousandth time. I'm saving myself for someone special. Perhaps a cute bespectacled neuroscientist with hair the color of mud.
Penny: I think I know how to change your mind.

Amy Farrah Fowler: Happy birthday to me. Happy birthday to me. There's tears in the frosting. Happy birthday to me.

Amy Farrah Fowler: Did you hold the baby?
Sheldon Cooper: I did.
Amy Farrah Fowler: And... how did it make you feel?
Sheldon Cooper: Looking into the blank, innocent eyes of a creature that couldn't begin to comprehend anything I was saying? Basically just another day at the office.

Amy Farrah Fowler: I missed you.
Sheldon Cooper: To quote Han Solo - I know.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Did you miss me?
Sheldon Cooper: I would have preferred to have you there with me.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Awww.
Sheldon Cooper: Or instead of me.

[first lines]
Penny: [Penny and Amy are skiing to a video game] Alright, you're really good at this.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Well, I have an extremely low center of gravity. Like a pyramid.
Penny: How you doing over there?
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, I hope it's just a sprain. I cannot walk into that ER with another video game injury.

Amy Farrah Fowler: Can I give you a ride to the airport?
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, no, thank you; I don't want to be an inconvenience. Chop chop, Leonard; we leave in ten minutes.

Amy Farrah Fowler: Hi, Sheldon. Everything OK?
Sheldon Cooper: No, it's not. I've seen things. Lady things.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Listen to me. That is *not* the way they usually look.
Sheldon Cooper: It doesn't matter. It is no way to make new humans. People coming out of people. Some kind of dirty magic show.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Weekend Vortex (#5.19)" (2012)
Amy Farrah Fowler: Gentlemen, as much as I'm sure Sheldon would enjoy playing intergalactic make-believe, he and I have other plans. We are attending my Aunt Flora's 93rd birthday party.
Sheldon Cooper: Just tell her I can't come.
Amy Farrah Fowler: She'll be disappointed if we don't show up.
Sheldon Cooper: She's 93. She won't be disappointed for very long.

Amy Farrah Fowler: Now hang on. I followed all the protocols set forth by you in the relationship agreement. I made a written request seventy-two hours in advance. Checked the tire pressure on the car. I even contacted the Centers for Disease Control to find out what shots they recommend for travel to Orange County. FYI, it's none.
Sheldon Cooper: Amy, the Relationship Agreement was not designed for either one of us to get our way.
Amy Farrah Fowler: You use it to get your way.
Sheldon Cooper: I use it to get the right way. The fact that the right way is also my way is a happy coincidence.

Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon, my relatives are going to want to talk to you and you're going to be sitting there playing a game? Isn't that a little rude?
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, I got that covered. Headset. I won't hear a word the old geezers are saying.

Penny: Who's Armen the miniature horse breeder?
Amy Farrah Fowler: The pretend boyfriend I invented to get my family off my back. It unraveled quickly when I couldn't answer the question "How'd you two meet?"
Penny: I would have thought at a miniature horse show.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Oh, that's good.

Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon Cooper, I've got a bone to pick with you, and I'm about to do it in front of all your friends.
Penny: Yeah, you pick that bone; you pick that bone clean.

Amy Farrah Fowler: That'd be my boyfriend. Happier playing his dopey Star Trek game with his friends than hanging out with me.
Penny: Wars.
Amy Farrah Fowler: What?
Penny: Star Wars. They get all cranky when you mix the two up.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Well, what's the difference?
Penny: There's absolutely no difference!

Amy Farrah Fowler: I'm dating Sheldon Cooper!
Penny: Yeah, on *purpose*.

Penny: Amy? What's the matter?
Amy Farrah Fowler: My boyfriend's a jerk!
Penny: Well! I know he didn't *cheat* on you!

"The Big Bang Theory: The Love Spell Potential (#6.23)" (2013)
Sheldon Cooper: [Knock... knock... knock] Amy?
[Knock... knock... knock]
Sheldon Cooper: Amy?
[Knock... knock... knock]
Sheldon Cooper: Amy?
Amy Farrah Fowler: What?
Sheldon Cooper: I've... never knocked on my own door before. That was a wild ride.
Amy Farrah Fowler: You don't have to come in here and cheer me up.
Sheldon Cooper: Yeah, w- Thank you. But you could tell everyone else that, because they sure think otherwise.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I'll tell you what they think. They think our relationship is a joke.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, I don't think our relationship is a joke. I think a horse goes into a bar. Bartender says, "Why the long face?" That's a joke. It's a good one, too, because a horse has a long face.

Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon. Are we ever going to have an intimate relationship?
Sheldon Cooper: Oh my. That's an uncomfortable topic. Amy, before I met you I never had any interest in being intimate with anyone.
Amy Farrah Fowler: And now?
Sheldon Cooper: And now what?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Do you have any interest now?
Sheldon Cooper: I've not ruled it out.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Wow, talk dirty to me.
Sheldon Cooper: I know it doesn't seem like it to you, but from me what we have is extremely intimate.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I guess I know that. It's just a part of me wants more.
Sheldon Cooper: I guess I know that. It's just a part of me wants more.
Amy Farrah Fowler: [Amy laughs slightly] Come on. Let's go back out there.
Sheldon Cooper: No, hold on. My elven magic user and your half-ork warrior did have a love spell cast on them. We wouldn't really be playing the game right if we didn't see that through.
Amy Farrah Fowler: O.K.
Sheldon Cooper: I believe that we just killed the dragon and while the others pillage the corpse I lead you to a secluded area where I attempt to remove your leather armor.
[Rolls dice]
Sheldon Cooper: It comes off.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Oh!
Sheldon Cooper: What do you do?
Amy Farrah Fowler: I... kiss you on the lips?
Sheldon Cooper: I kiss you back on the...
[Rolls dice]
Sheldon Cooper: ... lips as well. Your turn.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I remove your armor. What do you do?
Sheldon Cooper: I erotically caress your...
[Rolls dice]
Sheldon Cooper: ... nose.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Keep rolling!

Amy Farrah Fowler: Ah, well. When we were going through security I got pulled out of line for a pat-down. The, uh, TSA agent got a little handsy. I may have broken her nose with my elbow.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Long story short, she's on the no-fly list, and we might have been followed here by a drone.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I'm sorry. I feel like such an idiot.
Penny: Oh, it's not so bad. You lost money, you're filled with shame and you got groped by a stranger; I mean, that's Vegas - you nailed it.

[first lines]
Bernadette Rostenkowski: [to cab driver] Burbank Airport, please.
Penny: Vegas, here we come!
Bernadette Rostenkowski: No husbands, no boyfriends, no rules!
Amy Farrah Fowler: No rules? We're not going to get drunk and have a six-way with the Blue Man Group are we?
Penny: No.
Amy Farrah Fowler: So there are some rules.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Fine. No husbands, no boyfriends, some rules.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Thank you.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Vegas!

Penny: I got a brand new bikini, so drinks at the pool are on these.
[gestures at her breasts]
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I got a sexy new tube top that says come hither and a can of pepper spray that says "Close enough, Jack."
Amy Farrah Fowler: I brought some old underwear to throw onstage at the Garth Brooks concert.
Penny: I'm sorry, why old?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Because the first time I saw him, throwing new underwear didn't work.

Amy Farrah Fowler, Bernadette Rostenkowski, Penny: [chanting in a cab] Vegas! Vegas! Vegas!
Sheldon Cooper, Leonard Hofstadter, Howard Wolowitz, Raj Koothrappali: [chanting in Leonard & Sheldon's living room] The dungeon of Mabusdahega! The dungeon of Mabusdahega! The dungeon of Mabusdahega!

Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon. Are we ever going to have an intimate relationship?
Sheldon Cooper: Oh my. That's an uncomfortable topic. Amy, before I met you I never had any interest in being intimate with anyone.
Amy Farrah Fowler: And now?
Sheldon Cooper: And now what?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Do you have any interest now?
Sheldon Cooper: I have not ruled it out.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Wow. Talk dirty to me.
Sheldon Cooper: I know it doesn't seem like it to you, but from me what we have is extremely intimate.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I guess I know that. It's just... a part of me wants more.
Sheldon Cooper: Y- More? Why, look at us. It's only been three years; here we are in bed together.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Come on. Let's go back out there.
Sheldon Cooper: Yu- w- no, hold on. My elven magic user and your half-orc warrior did have a love spell cast on them. We wouldn't really be playing the game right if we didn't see that through.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Okay.
Sheldon Cooper: I believe that, uh, we just killed the dragon... and while the others pillage the corpse, I lead you to a secluded area, where I attempt to remove your leather armor.
[rolls die]
Sheldon Cooper: It comes off.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Oh.
Sheldon Cooper: What do you do?
Amy Farrah Fowler: I... kiss you, on the lips?
Sheldon Cooper: I kiss you back on the...
[rolls die]
Sheldon Cooper: lips as well. Your turn.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I remove your armor. What do you do?
Sheldon Cooper: I erotically caress your...
[rolls die]
Sheldon Cooper: nose.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Keep rolling.

Amy Farrah Fowler: [the other girls are calling Amy through Sheldon's bedroom door] Not right now. Sheldon's kissing my...
Amy Farrah Fowler: [sound D&D dice rolling] YES!

"The Big Bang Theory: The Locomotive Manipulation (#7.15)" (2014)
Amy Farrah Fowler: Hey, guys. See if you can guess this one.
[Mimes shooting herself in the head]
Amy Farrah Fowler: Bang! Splat! Thud!

Sheldon Cooper: What is your problem?
Amy Farrah Fowler: It's Valentine's Day. We're supposed to be having a romantic weekend.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh really? Because I remember you saying that trip was going to be something we could both enjoy. Did you really mean that or were you just trying to trick me?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Fine, it's true. I deserve romance and I didn't know how else to make it happen.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, if you want romance, let's have romance. Oh, look, there's wine.
[Takes Amy's wine glass and drinks]
Sheldon Cooper: Grape juice that burns. Um, let's now gaze into each other's eyes.
[Looks at Amy's eyes]
Sheldon Cooper: You blinked, I win.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon.
Sheldon Cooper: What's next? Oh, kissing's romantic.
[Amy doesn't believe him, gets kissed and enjoys it. So does Sheldon]
Amy Farrah Fowler: That was nice.
Sheldon Cooper: Good. Um. The conductor said if I come back to the engine room he'd show me how to bring the train through a crossing.
Amy Farrah Fowler: OK, have fun.
Sheldon Cooper: Do you want to come with me?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Really? I do.

Amy Farrah Fowler: Item 28 your pet name for me. Time's running out on this. You need to make decision.
Sheldon Cooper: I submitted you a notarized list.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I sorry, but Golum and Flaky are not acceptable.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, you don't like Princess Corncob. You don't like Fester. You're just impossible to please.

Amy Farrah Fowler: A night staring at the stars. That sound pretty romantic to me.
Raj Koothrappali: Not really.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I'm trying to put lipstick on a pig here, so work with me.

Amy Farrah Fowler: Why do I even try?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I'm going to fix this right now.
Howard Wolowitz: OK. Just make it look light an accident.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Excuse me. You at a Valentine's dinner with your girlfriend. Now get back over there and be with her.
Sheldon Cooper: You're right. That was insensitive of me. I have to got back to my table now. You should join us.
Eric: All right.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Great. Now there's two of them.

Sheldon Cooper: I never want this day to ever end.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Feeling like it never will.

Amy Farrah Fowler: I propose we spend Valentine's Day at a bed and breakfast in Napa.
Sheldon Cooper: I hate every word in that sentence, including "we", "in", "at", and "a".

Bernadette Rostenkowski: Are you all right?
Amy Farrah Fowler: It's Valentines Day, and my boyfriend is hanging out with some weirdo. How do you think I feel?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: To be fair, they're both weirdos.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Bakersfield Expedition (#6.13)" (2013)
Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon doesn't believe in brunch. He can't stand being at a table where one person's having an omelet and another person's having a sandwich.

[Penny, Amy & Bernadette have just entered the Comic Store]
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Why are they staring?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Who cares? Just soak it in.
[huskily, stroking her hair]
Amy Farrah Fowler: Hello, boys.
Stuart: Oh. Hey!
[looks around at the customers]
Stuart: Could we stop staring? They're just girls; nothing you haven't seen in movies or in drawings.

Bernadette Rostenkowski: What kind of comics do the guys like?
Stuart: Um... a little bit of everything. Mostly superhero stuff.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Okay, well who's the best superhero?
Stuart: Shhhh! You can't ask a question like that in here! You trying to start a rumble?

Stuart: Let's see. Well, you got your basic clean good guys, Superman, Spiderman, Captain America. Then you have your darker anti-heroes, your Batman, your Wolverine, Punisher.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Oh, I do love a bad boy.
Penny: As evidence by your boyfriend and his fear of hamsters.

Penny: [arguing with Amy and Bernadette over a comic book] Okay, wait. If I pick up a guy at a bar, and then he picks up another girl and we all leave together, did I pick up the girl?
Amy Farrah Fowler: [hopefully] Did that actually happen?
Penny: [avoiding the question] Hey, are we talking about me or are we talking about Thor?

Bernadette Rostenkowski: [Amy, Bernadette, and Penny enter the comic store the guys often go to, and every male stops what they're doing and stares at them in shock]
[Obviously uncomfortable]
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Why are they staring?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Who cares? Just soak it in.
[Then starts walking around, moving her hair from over her ear, then says the next line as if she were a 1940s girl talking to sailors]
Amy Farrah Fowler: Hello boys.
Stuart Bloom: [Comes out of the back room and sees the girls] Oh, hey.
[Then notices all the guys looking at them]
Stuart Bloom: Would you please stop staring? They're just girls. It's nothing you haven't seen in movies or in drawings.
Penny: Hey Stuart.
Stuart Bloom: Well, what brings you girls here?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: We were looking for a recommendation about comic books.
Stuart Bloom: Oh, well, I recommend you don't open a store and sell them.
Penny: No, we were wondering why the guys like the stuff so much, so we thought we'd give it a try.
Stuart Bloom: [as he speaks the next line, some of the customers start looking at the girls again] Oh ok, well what do you think you might be in to? Superheroes? Fantasy? Graphic novels? Manga?
[Turns on the others without taking a breath]
Stuart Bloom: I swear I will turn a hose on you!
[They scatter]
Bernadette Rostenkowski: What kind of comics do the guys like?
Stuart Bloom: Um, a little bit of everything. Mostly superhero stuff.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Alright, well who's the best superhero?
Stuart Bloom: [Frantically] Shhhh! You can't ask a question like that in here? Are you trying to start a rumble?
Penny: Well, what do you recommend?
Stuart Bloom: Oh, well um, you got your basic clean-cut good guys, like Superman, Spider-Man, Captain America, then you got your darker "anti-heroes", like Batman, Wolverine, Punisher.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Oooo, I do love a bad boy.
Penny: [Matter-of-factly] As evidenced by your boyfriend and his fear of hamsters.
Stuart Bloom: [Presenting a comic] If I were you, I'd go for Fables #1. The artwork is sophisticated, it's intelligently written, and it doesn't objectify or stereotype women.
Penny: [Distracted by another comic] Oooo, Thor! He's hot!
Stuart Bloom: Yeah, he kind of is.

Amy Farrah Fowler: [arguing with Penny and Bernadette about a comic book] It says right here on the hammer "Whoever holds this hammer, if he be worthy, shall possess the power of Thor."
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Well, hold on. Who decides who's worthy? Does the hammer decide?
Amy Farrah Fowler: [simultaneously with Penny] No.
Penny: Yes.
Amy Farrah Fowler: It can't decide. It's a hammer.
Penny: You said it's a magic hammer.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Yeah, but it... it can't make decisions.
Penny: If Harry Potter's wand can make decisions, why can't Thor's hammer?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Okay, if you're gonna start comparing wands and hammers, I can't even take you seriously.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Alien Parasite Hypothesis (#4.10)" (2010)
Amy Farrah Fowler: Did you know that the iconic Valentine's heart shape is not actually based on the shape of a human heart, but rather on the shape of the buttocks of a female bending over?
Penny: So I spent seventh grade dotting my I's with little asses?
[Amy nods]
Penny: Cool.

Sheldon Cooper: Aren't you slicing that man's brain a little too thin?
Amy Farrah Fowler: It's too thin if I were making a foot-long brain sandwich at Quizno's. For examination under a two photon microscope, it's fine.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, you're the expert. If the correct way to do it is the wrong way, then I yield.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Very well. If you die and donate your body to science, I promise to slice your brain like Canadian bacon.

Sheldon Cooper: What were the symptoms?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Elevated heart rate, moist palms, dry mouth, and localized vascular throbbing.
Sheldon Cooper: Localized to what region?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Ears and genitalia.
Sheldon Cooper: Interesting. Not body parts that usually team up.

Sheldon Cooper: Possible explanations for your symptoms are, in descending order of likelihood: hyperthyroidism, premature menopause, hosting an alien parasite, or, and I only include it for the sake of covering absolutely all bases... sexual arousal.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Where would I have picked up an alien parasite?

Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon, I am not going through menopause!
Sheldon Cooper: Are you sure? You said that with the testy bark of an old biddy.

Amy Farrah Fowler: Zack, I am Amy Farrah Fowler. We met the other night. I have spent my life in pursuit of pure knowledge. Until I met you, my decisions were founded in logic and reason. And yet here I stand before you, 130 pounds of raging estrogen, longing to grab hold of your gluteus maximus, and make Shakespeare's metaphorical beast with two backs.
Zack: My gluteus what?
Amy Farrah Fowler: On the other hand, as I look at the blank, ape-like expression on your face, I have decided to adopt the Vulcan practice of Kolinahr. Goodbye, Zack.
Zack: Bye.
[They shake hands]
Amy Farrah Fowler: Hoo-ooh!
[Amy turns and limps away]
Amy Farrah Fowler: That should hold me for awhile.

Bernadette Rostenkowski: How do you know him?
Penny: Oh, we went out a couple times.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I'm often flummoxed by current slang. Does 'went out' mean 'had intercourse'?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Yes,
Penny: No, no. But in this case yes.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Wildebeest Implementation (#4.22)" (2011)
Amy Farrah Fowler: How do you feel about concealing a recording device in the cleavage of your ample bosom?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I don't want anything in my ample bosom.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Come on, Strawberries. Take one for the team.

Amy Farrah Fowler: Until I met you and Bernadette, my trips to the bathroom had been entirely focused on elimination. Now, they have a delightful social aspect.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Amy, you must have been in the bathroom with other women before.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Of course I have. But, they were strangers and seemed off-put when I engaged in friendly stall-to-stall chit chat.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Some women don't like to get chummy when their panties are down.

Bernadette Rostenkowski: Did I tell you Priya invited me and Howard to have dinner with her and Leonard?
Penny: Oh, that's nice.
Amy Farrah Fowler: No it's not. It's a strategic maneuver. Leonard's new girlfriend is testing Bernadette's loyalty to you and the group. That bitch is crafty.

Penny: Didn't you get enough of this cliquey crap in high school?
Amy Farrah Fowler: I wish. A clique requires friends. I didn't have any.
Penny: No?
Amy Farrah Fowler: I used to take my lunch down to the maintenance room and eat with the janitor. It was nice until his wife called me a puta and made me stop.

Amy Farrah Fowler: How does the cheetah attack a herd of wildebeests? By going after its weakest member.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Well, what makes me the weakest member?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Your trusting nature, coupled with your teeny-tiny body. You wouldn't last a minute on the Serengeti.

Amy Farrah Fowler: Have a good night. Try not to ogle my caboose as I walk away.

Bernadette Rostenkowski: You texted me Penny's dating an astronaut.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I texted architect. That's amusing. Auto-correct must've changed it.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Yeah, it's hysterical.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Agreement Dissection (#4.21)" (2011)
Amy Farrah Fowler: Fair warning: we can get crazy.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Yeah. Last week, we smoked cigars and pretended to be dragons.
Sheldon Cooper: Really, Amy? Tobacco and alcohol? Need I remind you not a lot of scientific discoveries were made by people having a good time?
Amy Farrah Fowler: [to Penny] Why did you bring him? He's harshing my buzz.

Amy Farrah Fowler: You smell like baby powder.
Sheldon Cooper: It's talc. But as that's the primary ingredient in baby powder, I understand your confusion.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Oh, I'm not confused at all. You're like a sexy toddler.
Sheldon Cooper: I don't know how to process that.

Amy Farrah Fowler: How come, if we're the smart people, we don't do this every night?
Sheldon Cooper: What's 16 times 14?
Amy Farrah Fowler: My burps taste like cranberry juice.
Sheldon Cooper: And there's your answer.

Amy Farrah Fowler: Would you like to come in for a nightcap?
Sheldon Cooper: If you're referring to the beverage, you know I don't drink. If you're referring to the hat you don while wearing a night shirt and holding a candle, I have one.

Amy Farrah Fowler: I kissed a girl and I liked it.

Sheldon Cooper: Good morning, Amy.
Amy Farrah Fowler: It most assuredly is not.
Sheldon Cooper: Are you experiencing dehydration, headache, nausea, and shame?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Yes. I also found a Korean man's business card tucked into my cleavage. What happened last night?
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, memory impairment. The free prize at the bottom of every vodka bottle.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon.
Sheldon Cooper: All right. Last night, you gave me some excellent advice regarding my problem here at home. You kissed me, and then vomited on and off for 40 minutes, following which you passed out on your bathroom floor. I then folded a towel under your head as a pillow, set your oven clock to the correct time because it was driving me crazy, and I left.

[last lines]
Amy Farrah Fowler: [yells at her screeching monkey] They were out of menthol; get off my back!
[to Sheldon]
Amy Farrah Fowler: It's not easy living with a temperamental little primate.
Leonard Hofstadter: [off-screen] C'mon, Priya, just admit I embarrass you!
Sheldon Cooper: You're preaching to the choir, sister.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Closure Alternative (#6.21)" (2013)
Amy Farrah Fowler: You know, Sheldon, sometimes people seek the comfort of physical contact in moments like this.
Sheldon Cooper: [pause as he considers this] I am not flying back to Texas just so my mom can give me a hug.

Sheldon Cooper: I do not have a compulsive need for closure.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Oh, really?
[Knocks "Shave and a Haircut" on table]
Sheldon Cooper: [after an awkward pause, knocks "Two Bits"] That proves nothing.

Sheldon Cooper: You don't know what it feels like to feel completely frustrated, to have a desire built up and be denied any opportunity for release.
Amy Farrah Fowler: [Gives Sheldon a death stare] Yeah, sounds like a drag.

Sheldon Cooper: Tic-tac-toe can only end in win, lose or draw; none of which will deny me closure. Especially since I'm about to win.
[Amy erases the game before Sheldon can finish]
Sheldon Cooper: But we didn't finish.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Exactly. How does that make you feel?
Sheldon Cooper: The same way any normal person would. I feel like I want to peel off my own face and tear it in two, and then again and again 'till I have a handful of Sheldon face confetti.

Amy Farrah Fowler: [Has a birthday cake prepared for Sheldon] Make a wish and blow out the candles.
[Sheldon blows out the candles, but Amy blocks one with a paper plate]
Amy Farrah Fowler: Oops, you missed one. Now your wish won't come true.
Sheldon Cooper: Lucky for you, cause I wished you were dead.

Sheldon Cooper: I must say, I was skeptical at first, but this turned out to be a transformative evening.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I'm surprised of how positive you are.
Sheldon Cooper: You're an excellent neuroscientist, a wonderful girlfriend, and...
Amy Farrah Fowler: And?
Sheldon Cooper: It hardly matters now, does it?
Amy Farrah Fowler: I'm proud of you, Sheldon.
Sheldon Cooper: [after closing the door] And a complete sucker!

Amy Farrah Fowler: [heatedly] You don't know what it's like to feel completely frustrated. To have a - a desire build up within you and then be denied any opportunity for release.
Amy Farrah Fowler: [sardonically] Yeah, sounds like a drag.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Cohabitation Experimentation (#10.4)" (2016)
Amy Farrah Fowler: Comfy?
Sheldon Cooper: [referring to Penny's bed] Oh, I'm just happy I don't know what this memory foam remembers.

Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon, I understand your apprehension, but let me appeal to the scientist in you. Given the five-week end-date, isn't it the perfect opportunity to consider this an experiment and collect data on our compatibility?
Sheldon Cooper: Don't try luring me in with sexy talk.

[first lines]
Amy Farrah Fowler: And there was water everywhere; it was such a mess.
Leonard Hofstadter: That stinks; how long are you out of the apartment?
Amy Farrah Fowler: About five weeks.
Penny Hofstadter: Ugh, did you lose anything valuable?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Well, the pipe was over my closet, so all my clothes are gone.
Penny Hofstadter: Oh, so nothing. Great. Do they know why the pipe burst?
Amy Farrah Fowler: They didn't say.
Leonard Hofstadter: Buildings that have a combination of copper and galvanized steel are susceptible to pinholes and corrosion caused by the mobility of ions in the water.
[the girls stare at him]
Leonard Hofstadter: Can't have your head shoved in a toilet as much as I did and not pick up a few things about plumbing.

Amy Farrah Fowler: You sure that's not an inconvenience?
Penny Hofstadter: No, not at all.
Leonard Hofstadter: And we live with Sheldon, so the word inconvenience has really lost all meaning.

Amy Farrah Fowler: If you don't want to snuggle, fine, but we're not building a pillow wall.
Sheldon Cooper: But, uh, well uh, I am sorry; I am just worried that my sensitivity to temperature could make this a rough night. And no offence, but your bottom radiates enough heat I'm surprised there aren't iguanas lying on it.

Amy Farrah Fowler: I'm so sore; I don't think I slept two minutes last night.
Penny Hofstadter: [Penny grins] Yeah, get it, girl.
Penny Hofstadter: It's not what you think.
Leonard Hofstadter: [Leonard enters] I feel like I pulled something. Why didn't you tell me to stop?
Penny Hofstadter: Even more not what you think.

[last lines]
Sheldon Cooper: How dare you!
Amy Farrah Fowler: Oh, you heard me. Your experimental bone fides are laughable;
Sheldon Cooper: Whoa, now you're making fun of my bone fides!
Amy Farrah Fowler: Can't make fun of something that's a null set.
Penny Hofstadter: Feel like I should say 'damn',
Leonard Hofstadter: Do it.
Penny Hofstadter: Daaaaaamn!
Sheldon Cooper: Weh, if you are so protective of the scientific method, perhaps we should use the next five weeks to finish what we started!
Amy Farrah Fowler: Well, for science, maybe I will!
Sheldon Cooper: For science, maybe you should!
Amy Farrah Fowler: FIne!
Sheldon Cooper: Fine!
Amy Farrah Fowler: Good!
Sheldon Cooper: Great!
Amy Farrah Fowler: Do you want to go to our place and make out?
Sheldon Cooper: Does Stephen Hawking roll through the quad?
[they storm out]
Penny Hofstadter: The new neighbors are weird.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Thanksgiving Decoupling (#7.9)" (2013)
Penny: Sheldon, you can have a nice Thanksgiving anywhere. I spent one in Vegas.
Leonard Hofstadter: You did?
Penny: Yeah. Back when I we dating Zack. It was actually more fun than I thought. We gambled, went to one of those cheesy wedding chapels. We had a really good turkey dinner which was surprising since we were at a strip club.
Leonard Hofstadter: What? You went to a chapel?
Penny: Yeah.
Leonard Hofstadter: Why?
Penny: We had one those silly fake weddings.
Leonard Hofstadter: Penny, you know those are real, right?
Penny: [laughing it off] No, they're not.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, they are.
Penny: [Looking worried] No, they're not.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, they are.
Sheldon Cooper: He's right.
Amy Farrah Fowler: They're real.
Penny: [quietly] But it didn't feel real.

Penny: Why are you making this such a big deal?
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, I have a reason. It could be because you said yes to marrying Zack, but every time Leonard's proposed he's gotten a resounding no. That's just off the top of my head.
Penny: How do I undo this?
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm just hoping you can get a annulment which is like it never happened.
Penny: Great. Well, what do I have to do?
Amy Farrah Fowler: It's says here you can get an annulment if any of the following conditions are met. Were you unable to consummate the marriage?
Sheldon Cooper: [Sheldon laughs] Penny? Next.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Is there any evidence of fraud, bigamy, want of understanding?
Penny: Want of understanding? What does that even mean?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Ding! Ding! Ding! We have a winner!

Bernadette Rostenkowski: Hey. Howard says that you've been making fun of him all day. Now both of you apologize right now.
Sheldon Cooper: She's so tiny! It's funny when she's mad.
Amy Farrah Fowler: All right, mister. I think you owe Howard and Bernadette an apology.
Sheldon Cooper: Perhaps you're right. I'm sorry for my behavior. I've had alcohol and it's caused me to be inappropriate.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Okay.
Howard Wolowitz: Don't worry about it.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Thank you.
Sheldon Cooper: Ain't she great?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon.
Sheldon Cooper: Now, hows about you get us a couple of beers?
[Sheldon swats Amy on the rear; she first looks shocked, then leaves smiling]

Bernadette Rostenkowski: Thanks again for cooking.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Yeah, everything was delicious.
Raj Koothrappali: Well, I couldn't have done it without my two favorite girls...
[Bernadette and Amy beam]
Raj Koothrappali: Martha Stewart and Rachael Ray.

Amy Farrah Fowler: I can't believe Penny is married to Zach.
Raj Koothrappali: Wonder what she saw in that guy?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I don't know. He's sweet, he's tall, he's handsome...
Amy Farrah Fowler: ...Broad shoulders, good hair...
Raj Koothrappali: Huh. Wonder what she sees in Leonard?

Sheldon Cooper: Do we really need to go to Mrs. Wolowitz's home for Thanksgiving dinner?
Amy Farrah Fowler: We do, and I expect you to be on your best behavior.
Sheldon Cooper: Now I know how the African slaves felt. Being dragged from their homes to work under the yoke of the white man.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Are you honestly comparing going to Thanksgiving dinner at Mrs. Wolowitz's house to one of the worst tragedies in human history?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Love Car Displacement (#4.13)" (2011)
Amy Farrah Fowler: We decided we didn't want to jeopardize our relationship by getting to know each other too well.

Amy Farrah Fowler: Leonard, could I ask you a question?
Leonard Hofstadter: Sure.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Are you bothered by the fact that your former girlfriend left the symposium with what is probably the most beautiful man I've ever seen in my life?
Leonard Hofstadter: No. Why do you ask?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Because we are going 120 miles per hour.

Penny: You know, for a smart guy, you really seem to have a hard time grasping the concept: "Don't piss off the people who handle the things you eat."
Amy Farrah Fowler: That does seem to be a valid principle.
Sheldon Cooper: I trust Penny will adhere to the official California Restaurant Workers' Solemn Oath of Ethics and Cleanliness.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I don't believe there's any such thing.
Sheldon Cooper: [Incredulous, to Leonard] You lied to me?

Penny: [Moves to hug Amy after Amy invites her to go to Big Sur] You know, it is going to be difficult, but I am going to cancel my plans so I can do this for my 'bestie'.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Please don't touch my breasts!
Penny: I... I wasn't going to.
Amy Farrah Fowler: All right. I just want to establish boundaries.

Amy Farrah Fowler: Shame. Since you're my best friend, I thought it would be a good bonding opportunity.
Penny: I'm your best friend?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Don't you read my blog?
Penny: Oh, don't feel bad. I never read Leonard's, and I used to sleep with him.

Amy Farrah Fowler: [to Penny, who had turned down Amy's offer to be her plus-one for the science symposium everyone else is going to] Do you know anybody else who would appreciate an all expense paid spa getaway to a four-star hotel in Big Sur?
Penny: No, as... I'm sorry free what? Sorry, what what?
Leonard Hofstadter: [to Amy] I think her weekend just opened up.
Penny: Okay, just to be clear, when you guys say 'spa', does it mean the same as when regular people say it?
Leonard Hofstadter: Pretty much, only we keep our shirts on in the sauna.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Hook-up Reverberation (#8.4)" (2014)
Amy Farrah Fowler: Can you see how a grown man, an accomplished scientist, who invests in a store that sells picture books about flying men in colorful underwear might be wasting both his financial and intellectual resources?
Sheldon Cooper: No.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Then I think it's a terrific idea.
Sheldon Cooper: Great. Wait until you hear about our van.

Penny: How? You can't force somebody to like you.
Amy Farrah Fowler: What if you just hang around and act like her friend until you wear her down? I mean, next thing you know, you're in her house, you're eating her food and drinking her wine.

Sheldon Cooper: I have some odd freckles on my buttocks. Can I make an an appointment for you to look at them?
Emily Sweeney: Um, OK. I guess.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I'm with him three years, nothing. She's with him two minutes and he's taking his pants off.

Penny: I don't know what Emily's so upset about anyway. Even if I'd slept with him, so what? Everybody has a past.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Um.
[Clears throat]
Penny: Almost everybody has a past.

Amy Farrah Fowler: You really went your entire life with out anybody saying "I hate you" to your face?
Penny: Yeah.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I'd say it now, but look at those cheekbones.

Sheldon Cooper: I'd like your honest opinion on something.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Of course.
Sheldon Cooper: Before I start, I need you to know that I'm very excited about this, and anything you say that isn't enthusiastically supportive will throw our entire relationship into question. So... keep an open mind.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I'm feeling a little backed into a corner, Sheldon.
Sheldon Cooper: Perfect.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Proton Displacement (#7.7)" (2013)
Amy Farrah Fowler: I knew it! They're gonna have sex before Sheldon and I do!.

Sheldon Cooper: Never meet your heroes, they always say. Never peek behind the curtain of fame, or you'll see them for what they really are: degenerate carnie folk.
Amy Farrah Fowler: He's a retired science kids show host.
Sheldon Cooper: That's even worse! Using the sweet candy of science to trick children into loving him. Pervert.

Amy Farrah Fowler: Have you ever thought about why Arthur didn't want you to read his paper?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes I have. My only conclusion is the prescription he was picking up the other day was for cuckoo pills.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Maybe he found you a bit much.
Sheldon Cooper: That's kind of a stretch. But when it comes to social skills, I've mastered the big three. There's the coy smile. There's the friendly chuckle. Ha-ha-ha-haaaa. There's the vocalization of sympathy. Ahhh. Well, that one's tricky. I'm still working on it.
Amy Farrah Fowler: rom what I saw the other day I can understand why he and... some people might find you...
Sheldon Cooper: What?
Amy Farrah Fowler: It doesn't matter
Sheldon Cooper: No. Go ahead. Say it. I know what it is. I've heard it my whole life. The word's annoying. Go ahead. Say it. Say it. Say, "I'm annoying."
Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, it won't hurt my feelings. Go ahead, Amy. Say, "I'm annoying." "I'm annoying." "I'm annoying." "I'm annoying." Now where are you going? You know you want to say it. Say it. Say, "I'm annoying." Go ahead. Say it. Say it. Say it, Amy. Say it.
[Amy leaves the apartment slamming the door]
Sheldon Cooper: Well, she can't stand it when I'm right.

[first lines]
[Sheldon is skipping through the store]
Amy Farrah Fowler: Never seen him this happy before.
Leonard Hofstadter: That's because you've never seen him on restock the medicine-cabinet day.
Sheldon Cooper: Look! a new topical antihistamine with lidocaine. Wow! I can't wait 'til I get a rash.
Leonard Hofstadter: Ohhhh, Gas-Ex has a new ultra-strength. Guess they really do read their mail.
Sheldon Cooper: Hey. Isn't that Professor Proton?
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, yeah.
Sheldon Cooper: Look at him! he's standing in line, like he wasn't moderately famous thirty years ago. Let's go say hello!
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, maybe we, we shouldn't bother him.
Sheldon Cooper: I'm not going to bother him; I'm going to talk to him.
Leonard Hofstadter: [to Amy] He thinks there's a difference.

Amy Farrah Fowler: What are you working on?
Raj Koothrappali: Ah, making a necklace for my mother.
Amy Farrah Fowler: That's sweet.
Raj Koothrappali: Yeah, she and my dad are going through a rough patch so wanted to do something to let her know I was thinking about her.
Penny: What's going on with them?
Raj Koothrappali: Eh, they're having a little problem communicating. My dad says it's because the sound of my mum's voice makes him want to tear his ears off and sew them over his eyes so he never has to look at her again.

Amy Farrah Fowler: So what tools did you bring?
Howard Wolowitz: Everything we need to make jewelery molds; here's some silver, a crucible and an acetylene torch to melt it down.
Penny: Ooooo, that looks like fun.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Maybe you should master glue before you move on to fire.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Closet Reconfiguration (#6.19)" (2013)
Howard Wolowitz: What are you guys doing here?
Leonard Hofstadter: When you left you weren't sure whether or not you wanted to know what was in your Dad's letter so we came up with kind of a cool solution.
Howard Wolowitz: Oh yeah, what's that?
Sheldon Cooper: It's simple really. It occurred to me that knowing and not knowing can be achieved by creating a macroscopic example of quantum superposition. The principle that a physical system exists partially in all of its possible states at once.
Penny: We were all thinking it, really. Kind of the elephant in the room.
Sheldon Cooper: Anyway, um, I realized if we each present you with an account of what your father wrote to you, only one of which is true, and we don't tell you which one it is, you will be forever in a state of epistemic ambivalence.
Penny: Yeah. And he said if it wasn't epistemic, we might as well not even do it.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Sit down, honey.
Leonard Hofstadter: Raj, you're up.
Raj Koothrappali: It was a card for your eighteenth birthday. Inside it said: Happy Birthday Howard. I love you, Dad. Oh, and it was a Far Side card, The one where the frog had his tongue stuck to the underside of an airplane. Thinks it's a fly. Silly frog. So funny.
Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon.
Sheldon Cooper: It was a map leading to the lost treasure of famous pirate One-eyed Willy.
Howard Wolowitz: That's fine. That's the plot for The Goonies.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Told you.
Sheldon Cooper: Don't.

Amy Farrah Fowler: If you let me pierce your brain with a hot needle in the right place you'd be happy all the time.

Leonard Hofstadter: Amy.
Amy Farrah Fowler: You didn't know it, but your father was in the auditorium at your high school graduation and he cried because he was so proud of you.
Howard Wolowitz: Really?
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, that's complete poppycock which Amy made that up and it could still be the map.
Leonard Hofstadter: Penny.
Penny: It was a letter explaining that your Dad wasn't who he said was. Eventually his other life caught up to him and the only way to keep you and your Mom safe was to leave.
Sheldon Cooper: I would like to change mine. The pirate's name was Peg Leg Antoine. Now it's completely different from Goonies.
Amy Farrah Fowler: No it's not.
Sheldon Cooper: Don't.
Leonard Hofstadter: OK, my turn. Your Dad wrote about how family is the most important thing and that you should never throw it away like he did.
Howard Wolowitz: Hm.
Leonard Hofstadter: Bernadette.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Inside the envelope was a picture of your Dad holding you the day you were born. On the back he wrote: Howard, my son, my greatest gift.
[Howard gets up and walks away]
Bernadette Rostenkowski: You okay?
Howard Wolowitz: Yeah. I'm terrific.
Sheldon Cooper: So? Which one do you think it is, matey?
Howard Wolowitz: Actually I don't want to know. I want all of them to be true.
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, one of them is.
Howard Wolowitz: That is pretty cool. Thank you, guys.

Amy Farrah Fowler: We need something from you.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, dear. Momma told me this could happen to a young man in the big city.
Penny: We need some information from you.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, I've got that in spades. Ravage me away.

Bernadette Rostenkowski: I made him tell us.
Howard Wolowitz: Us? Who else knows?
Penny: I know.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Me, too.
Leonard Hofstadter: Same here.
Raj Koothrappali: Shame on all of you!
Leonard Hofstadter: You know, too.
Raj Koothrappali: Couldn't leave him one friend, could you?

Amy Farrah Fowler: [after Howard's outburst of anger at Sheldon] Use me a human shield?
Sheldon Cooper: I panicked. He looked taller than usual.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Solder Excursion Diversion (#9.19)" (2016)
Amy Farrah Fowler: Knock it off or I'll start making W H sounds for words that just have a W.
Sheldon Cooper: You wouldn't!
Amy Farrah Fowler: Whatch me.

Sheldon Cooper: Welcome to my Fortress of Shame.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I'm sorry, wha- what am I looking at?
Sheldon Cooper: Basically everything I've ever owned. Um, every book, every t-shirt, every piece of broken electronics, just... all of it.
Amy Farrah Fowler: All of it?
Sheldon Cooper: I have a Ziploc bag filled with all my old Ziploc bags.

Amy Farrah Fowler: You have sporting equipment?
Sheldon Cooper: Well, oh, un, It's just, it's a golf ball that my brother threw at my head. You can still feel the dent. It's right next to the hockey puck dent.
Amy Farrah Fowler: OK, why do you have a bin of pinecones?
Sheldon Cooper: I used to collect them as a child. The spiral of scales open in the Fibonacci sequence. A fact that when you tell your brother gets a golf ball thrown at your head.

Sheldon Cooper: What good is having a girlfriend if you can't unload your psychological sewage on her?
Amy Farrah Fowler: That's me, your emotional outhouse.

[first lines]
Amy Farrah Fowler: [on computer breaking up] I didn't understand your email.
Sheldon Cooper: Upuh, can you repeat that; you're breaking up
Amy Farrah Fowler: I didn't understand your email.
Sheldon Cooper: Ah, yo, I had to get a little creative because the S, R and M keys stopped working.
Amy Farrah Fowler: [reading] Deah, Aby, could you plethe dwive be to the twain stowe sub time tobowwow.
Sheldon Cooper: Is that a yes?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon, why don't you get a new computer? You know that one's out of date.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, but I like this computer.
Amy Farrah Fowler: The video is failing and the sound is cutting out.
Sheldon Cooper: D'you- I'm sorry, the sound is cutting out.
Amy Farrah Fowler: The video is failing and the s... is cutting out.
Sheldon Cooper: I'm sorry, one more time; the sound is cutting out.
[Amy writes "Video failing & sound cutting out" on a sheet of paper and holds it up to the camera]
Sheldon Cooper: I can't read that! The video is failing,
Amy Farrah Fowler: Get a n... co... ter.
Sheldon Cooper: What?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Get a new c... ter.
Sheldon Cooper: What?
[his cell phon/e rings and he answers it]
Sheldon Cooper: Hello
Amy Farrah Fowler: [on phone, yells] Get a new computer!

[last lines]
Sheldon Cooper: [to Amy on the computer] You look amazing. I mean, this resolution is remarkable.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I really had to go home for this?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes, but it's like you're right here in the room.
Amy Farrah Fowler: And yet I'm not...
Sheldon Cooper: I feel like I could reach out and touch you.
Amy Farrah Fowler: And yet you can't.
Sheldon Cooper: I know!

"The Big Bang Theory: The Big Bear Precipitation (#9.20)" (2016)
Amy Farrah Fowler: You know, if that study's real, Leonard might come back smarter than you.
Sheldon Cooper: Are you trying to manipulate me?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Yes.
Sheldon Cooper: Well done, it worked. We're going.

Sheldon Cooper: Cell service is down to one bar, so if anyone needs medical attention, or to tell a stranger their political views are stupid, now's the time.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Have you ever been off the grid before?
Sheldon Cooper: Once. The battery ran out on my phone; I had to wait for my iPad to turn on.
Leonard Hofstadter: I was afraid he was going to eat me.

Sheldon Cooper: Shall we check each other for ticks?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon, all we did was walk in from the car.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, well, suit yourself. Who wants to check me?
[Drops his pants]
Amy Farrah Fowler: On the other hand, safety first.

Amy Farrah Fowler: [to Sheldon] I can't believe you've been arrested!
Sheldon Cooper: I can't believe Penny hasn't!

[last lines]
Sheldon Cooper: Never have I ever drunk milk past its expiration date.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Never have I ever cancelled a dentist appointment.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, uh, never have I ever put my foot in the ocean.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Never have I ever honked if I liked anything.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, uh, never have I ever thrown, caught or touched a Frisbee.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Never have I ever put salt on my food without trying it first.
Sheldon Cooper: Unph. Never have I ever pushed all the buttons in an elevator.
[Amy drinks, Sheldon gasps]
Amy Farrah Fowler: Well, we all have a past.

Penny: Never have I ever...
Amy Farrah Fowler: If she's trying to think of somethilng she hasn't done, we might be a while.
Penny: Very funny. Never have I ever... okay, I got nothing, let's go around.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Fortification Implementation (#8.20)" (2015)
Sheldon Cooper: Do you think there's a chance that an asteroid could hit the Earth, destroying Feynman's house and everyone in it?
Amy Farrah Fowler: No, Sheldon.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, buckle up. You're in for a cranky night.

Amy Farrah Fowler: When there was a lice epidemic at my school, everybody got it except me. I tried to fool everyone by sprinkling sugar in my hair, but I just got attacked by bees.

Amy Farrah Fowler: According to the codicil of the Relationship Agreement which you insisted upon, we're not allowed to pout or be moody on date night.
Sheldon Cooper: You know I just put that in because of uterus stuff.

Amy Farrah Fowler: What are we doing? This is a fort. Let's sit on the floor.
Sheldon Cooper: Roughing it? Okay.
[Sits on floor. Gasps]
Sheldon Cooper: Everything looks so big from down here. This must be how Leonard feels.

Amy Farrah Fowler: Have a seat on the floor.
Sheldon Cooper: Not there. That's my spot.

Sheldon Cooper: Do you need some pajamas and a toothbrush?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Would it alarm you to know that two years ago I've hidden some in your apartment for just such an ocassion?
[Produces bag containing pajamas]
Sheldon Cooper: It would, but you know how much I admire preparedness. But how did you know we'd be in the living room?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Who said this is the only one I hid?

"The Big Bang Theory: The Scavenger Vortex (#7.3)" (2013)
[first lines]
Raj Koothrappali: So. Couldn't help but notice. None of you RSVP'd to my murder mystery dinner party.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh yeah. We were meaning to do that.
Raj Koothrappali: No you weren't, because it was a week ago and nobody came! So if you want to solve the mystery of who stabbed Koothrappali in the back with the weapon of indifference, it was all of you.
Sheldon Cooper: Don't think that qualifies as a mystery. We all knew what we were doing.
Amy Farrah Fowler: We're sorry, Rajesh.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Maybe we can do it next week.
Howard Wolowitz: Whoa, whoa, not that sorry.
Raj Koothrappali: Don't worry, I can take a hint. No more murder mystery parties.
Sheldon Cooper: Great.
Leonard Hofstadter: Thank you.
Howard Wolowitz: Hallelujah.
Raj Koothrappali: Because I've got something better planned!
Howard Wolowitz, Leonard Hofstadter, Amy Farrah Fowler: Aaw.
Sheldon Cooper: Come on.
Raj Koothrappali: Just hear me out. I'm going to make you guys a scavenger hunt like they have at M.I.T.
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, I loved those. I did them every year there.
Leonard Hofstadter: We did them at Princeton too.
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, that's cute. Like it's a real college.
Sheldon Cooper: Amusing. I was going to say that about M.I.T., but it works for Princeton, too.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Scavenger hunts at Harvard we're really tough. I always got stuck on the first challenge; trying to find someone to be on a team with me.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I guess that story's more sad than funny.

Raj Koothrappali: OK, guys, go ahead and divide yourselves into teams of two.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Should we just do couples?
Leonard Hofstadter: Couples sounds great, or we could mix things up. Maybe pick names out of a hat; whatever.
Penny: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Why don't you just admit you don't want to be on a team with me?
Leonard Hofstadter: I just said couples sound great.
Penny: Hm-mm. Yeah. You don't think I'm smart enough. You just think I'm going to be a liability. Even though I totally just used liability correctly in a sentence.
[Amy nods at her]
Leonard Hofstadter: So, let's do couples. I want to.
Penny: No, no, no. Let's mix things up. I choose Sheldon; we're going to kick your ass.
Sheldon Cooper: Really? The only time I'm ever picked first for a team, and I'm stuck with the liability.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Stop that. Penny is not a liability.
Penny: Thank you. Do you want to be on my team?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Maybe we pick names out of a hat?

Howard Wolowitz: Wow, you're really good at puzzles.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I did them all the time as a kid. As my mom used to say: when you're doing a puzzle, it's like having a thousand friends. She was full of fun lies like that.
Howard Wolowitz: If it makes you feel any better, my mom's just full of pound cake.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Sorry you got stuck with me. I bet you wanted to be with Bernadette.
Howard Wolowitz: Have you ever played a game with Bernadette?
Amy Farrah Fowler: No.
Howard Wolowitz: Have you ever gone into a steel cage with a wolverine?

[last lines]
[singing karaoke]
Howard Wolowitz: Hey, she got the way to move me / Cherry
Amy Farrah Fowler: She got the way to groove me
Howard Wolowitz: Cherry, baby
Amy Farrah Fowler: She got the way to move me
Howard Wolowitz, Amy Farrah Fowler: She got the way to groove me / ba ba ba ba / She got the way to move me / Cherry / She got the way to groove me
Howard Wolowitz: Yah.

Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon never lets me listen to music in the car. He doesn't want to be mistaken for a gang member.

Amy Farrah Fowler: [scrolling through the playlist on Howard's iPod] The Beatles? Boring. Eminem? Scary. Weird Al? How old are you?

"The Big Bang Theory: The Zazzy Substitution (#4.3)" (2010)
Penny: Hey Look, it's Shamy.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Shamy?
Sheldon Cooper: Juvenile amalgamation of our names. Sheldon, Amy. Shamy.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Oh. I don't like that. Don't do that.
Penny: [laughing nervously] All righty. What's new?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Well, just recently I learned that you refer to us as Shamy, and I don't like that.
Penny: I got that. What I was going for was, you know, how is your life?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Just like everyone else's. Subject to entropy, decay, and eventual death. Thank you for asking.

Amy Farrah Fowler: In a world where rhinoceroses are domesticated pets, who wins the Second World War?
Sheldon Cooper: Uganda.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Defend.
Sheldon Cooper: Kenya rises to power on the export of rhinoceroses. A central African power block is formed, colonizing North Africa and Europe. When war breaks out, no one can afford the luxury of a rhino. Kenya withers, Uganda triumphs.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Correct. My turn.
Sheldon Cooper: In a world where a piano is a weapon, not a musical instrument, on what does Scott Joplin play the "Maple Leaf Rag"?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Tuned bayonets.
Sheldon Cooper: Defend.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Isn't it obvious?
Sheldon Cooper: You're right. My apologies.
Leonard Hofstadter: What the hell are you guys playing?

Sheldon Cooper: In a world where mankind is ruled by a giant intelligent beaver, what food is no longer consumed?
Leonard Hofstadter: Uh... a BLT where the B stands for beaver? I don't know.
Sheldon Cooper: Leonard, be serious. We're playing a game here.
Leonard Hofstadter: I can figure this out, let's see. Um... well, beavers eat tree bark. The only tree bark I know that humans consume is cinnamon, so I'll say cinnamon.
Sheldon Cooper: Incorrect. Obviously, the answer is cheese Danish.
Leonard Hofstadter: What?
Amy Farrah Fowler: In a world ruled by a giant beaver, mankind builds many dams to please the beaver overlord. The low-lying city of Copenhagen is flooded, thousands die. Devastated, the Danes never invent their namesake pastry. How does one miss that?

Amy Farrah Fowler: Perhaps it would be kinder to play a game more suited to his abilities. We'll close our eyes and count to ten while you hide.
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm going to my room.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Very good, Leonard. But next time, don't tell us where you're hiding.

Amy Farrah Fowler: I love cats. They're the epitome of indifference.

Amy Farrah Fowler: Absolutely not. My colleagues and I are mapping the neurological substrates that subserve global information processing, which is required for all cognitive reasoning, including scientific inquiry, making my research ipso facto prior in the ordo cognoscendi. That means it's better than his research, and by extension, of course, yours.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Tenure Turbulence (#6.20)" (2013)
Amy Farrah Fowler: Well. You'll always be an academic success, but... I seriously question whether you'll make any more friends.

Amy Farrah Fowler: Should've taken my breasts out while I had the chance.

Sheldon Cooper: My primary concern with being granted tenure is living with an insanely jealous roommate after the fact. I might need to sleep with a gun under my pillow. Or a chain saw.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Or, you take advantage of your new found economic stability and move out, buy a house, get married, start a family.
Sheldon Cooper: Or... the chain saw.

Raj Koothrappali: Unbelievable! You have some nerve showing up here just to schmooze with the tenure committee.
Sheldon Cooper: You're here.
Raj Koothrappali: Excuse me. I'm here to pay my respects to Professor Tupperware or whatever his name is.
Sheldon Cooper: So am I. His passing makes me feel bad.
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, well, well, Sheldon, fancy meeting you here. I guess the train store in Glendale wasn't having a cotillion after all.
[to Raj]
Leonard Hofstadter: And you. You said you weren't coming here either.
Raj Koothrappali: I have a thick accent. You don't know what I said.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I'd like to know why Penny's here.
Penny: I'm here to support my man, just like you.
Sheldon Cooper: What are you going to do? Take people's drink orders and get them wrong?
Leonard Hofstadter: Do it!
[Penny slips off her coat and is wearing a short black dress with prominently displayed breasts. Raj stares at her]
Sheldon Cooper: What? Did she do it yet?
Amy Farrah Fowler: She plans on flirting with members of the tenure committee to further Leonard's cause.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, that's a fine how do you do. Don't just stand there, take your breasts out.
Howard Wolowitz: Ooooohh, meerkat fight.
Amy Farrah Fowler: You're all wasting your time. Sheldon is the most qualified for the job, and no amount of gravity defying bosom's going to change that. Seriously, is that tape? Like how are they staying up like that?
Leonard Hofstadter: Way to hit 'em with both barrels.
Raj Koothrappali: You two should be ashamed of yourselves. Using women to advance your cause with sexuality and whatever Amy plans on doing.

Amy Farrah Fowler: You know, if you really want tenure, maybe you should cozy up to the people making the decision.
Sheldon Cooper: Sheldon Cooper does not do 'cozy'.
Amy Farrah Fowler: You don't say.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Septum Deviation (#8.9)" (2014)
Penny: [Noticing the teddy bear Sheldon has] It's nice you got that for Leonard.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, this isn't for Leonard. Amy bought me this.
Amy Farrah Fowler: He stubbed his toe on the revolving door.
Sheldon Cooper: You know those confounded things confuse me.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Then why did you keep going around?
Sheldon Cooper: There was a large plant in the lobby. I kept mistaking it for the outside.

Amy Farrah Fowler: [Playing Heads Up; the clue is Tesla] Okay, this is someone you love.
Sheldon Cooper: I got it, it's me.
Amy Farrah Fowler: No. He's an underapreciated scientist.
Sheldon Cooper: Still think it's me.
Amy Farrah Fowler: It's not you. Now think. He has a car named after him.
Sheldon Cooper: Of course there is: the Mini Cooper, because it's me.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Let's try this. He's the poorman's Sheldon Cooper.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, Tesla! It's Tesla.

Sheldon Cooper: You seem odd.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I'm always odd. Everyone knows that. Last night I tried to see how many fava beans I could put in my mouth.
Sheldon Cooper: Tell me the truth.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Fifty-eight.
Sheldon Cooper: No, the real truth.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Twenty-six.

Sheldon Cooper: [a tremor shakes the waiting room] What was that?
Penny: It's just a small tremor.
Sheldon Cooper: A small tremor that can turn a routine sinus surgery into a frontal lobotomy.
[Power goes out]
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, I don't care for this at all. I have to see that Leonard is all right. I'm going in there.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon, you can't go in there.
Sheldon Cooper: Try and stop me.
[Runs into glass door and falls]
Amy Farrah Fowler: Are you all right?
Sheldon Cooper: Why didn't you stop me?

Amy Farrah Fowler: [Leonard is going in for surgery] It's a routine procedure. I've heard you complain about his snoring.
Sheldon Cooper: Yes, for the first five or six years, but I've gotten used to it. It helps me sleep. He's like my own mucus powered white noise machine.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Toast Derivation (#4.17)" (2011)
Amy Farrah Fowler: Yo, P-Dawg.

[Amy and Bernadette want to take Penny out for a girl's night, but Penny doesn't want to]
Amy Farrah Fowler: You do understand that it will distract you from obsessing over the rich variety of sweet loving that your ex-boyfriend is currently receiving from the fiery jewel of Mumbai.

Penny: So, where do you guys want to go dancing?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: We were hoping you'd know a place.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Yes, perhaps somewhere packed tightly with young beautiful bodies, sweating and writhing against each other in a glorious orgy of the flesh.
Penny: Oh yeah, I know that place.

Amy Farrah Fowler: You know, if being on your own is new to you, I'd be happy to share some tension-relieving techniques for ladies that I've perfected over the years. For example, do you have an electric toothbrush?
Penny: Uh, no.
Amy Farrah Fowler: You should get one.

Penny: Let's go find me a heinie to bite.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Outstanding. And if we fail, we can always stop at CVS and pick you out a nice toothbrush. I call mine Gerard.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Mommy Observation (#7.18)" (2014)
Raj Koothrappali: Sheldon is out of town so we can whatever we want. We even ordered from the Thai place he doesn't like.
Stuart Bloom: How is it?
Penny: Disgusting. Do not tell him.
Leonard Hofstadter: What do you guys want to do tonight?
Amy Farrah Fowler: I don't know.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I told Howie if I wasn't busy I'd spend the night at his Mom's. So for God sakes, think of something.

Raj Koothrappali: Welcome to another classic Kotherpali murder mystery dinner.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I'm leaving.

Leonard Hofstadter: Come on guys, Raj put a lot of effort into this. And it's great... not sad. It's great.
Amy Farrah Fowler: It might be fun to be somebody else tonight.
Raj Koothrappali: Actually you're all just going to be yourselves.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Oh, uck.

Amy Farrah Fowler: Yea, I won the Nobel Prize in physiology then I use the money to buy Stuart's comic book store and close it down so Sheldon will pay attention to me. Not the worse idea.

Stuart Bloom: I think you're the best couple I know.
Leonard Hofstadter: Ah.
Penny: That's so sweet.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: What the hell?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Excuse me?
Penny: Let the dead man talk. Why do you say that?
Stuart Bloom: Well, I feel like you guys make each other better. Penny brought Leonard out of your shell. Seems like Leonard makes Penny think more deeply about the world. I don't know. Together you make one awesome person.
Penny: Ah, Stuart. Now I feel bad for murdering you.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Occupation Recalibration (#7.13)" (2014)
Howard Wolowitz: Sounds like you have a boyfriend.
Amy Farrah Fowler: He's not my boyfriend.
Raj Koothrappali: Are you sure? He's tall, pale, and awkward. That sounds like your type.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Should someone as lonely as you really be making fun of me?
Raj Koothrappali: Yeah, Howard! What is wrong with you?

Amy Farrah Fowler: Maybe I should tell him.
[Howard and Raj object in unison]
Raj Koothrappali: You'll upset him. He'll probably climb up the Empire State Building and start swatting at planes.

Howard Wolowitz: You know, we can tell Bert for you.
Amy Farrah Fowler: You'd do that for me?
Howard Wolowitz: Sure. We've been in his shoes, we'll let him down easy.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Thank you, guys.
Raj Koothrappali: No problem.
[as they walk out]
Raj Koothrappali: So we'll tell him she's a lesbian.
Howard Wolowitz: Of course we'll tell him she's a lesbian!

Howard Wolowitz: Does he know you're going out with Sheldon?
Amy Farrah Fowler: No. It hasn't come up.
Raj Koothrappali: Does Sheldon know you're going out with Sheldon?
Amy Farrah Fowler: I'm sorry, who are you dating?
Raj Koothrappali: Cut it out, Howard! God!

Amy Farrah Fowler: Hello, rat brain. Not so bitey without the rest of the rat to back you up, eh?

"The Big Bang Theory: The Opening Night Excitation (#9.11)" (2015)
Bernadette Rostenkowski: So where do you want to go?
Amy Farrah Fowler: I heard that new Mexican place on Green Street is good.
Penny Hofstadter: Sure. Sure. Or we could take you to get a bikini wax.

Bernadette Rostenkowski: We don't want to spoil anything but... you should know that Sheldon said he's ready to be physical.

Amy Farrah Fowler: I can't believe it... I - I don't know what to say.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Well, we're really happy for you. And we know how much he cares...
Amy Farrah Fowler: I *do* know what to say!
[rises and runs towards the stairs]
Amy Farrah Fowler: LET'S GET ME WAXED!

Sheldon Cooper: [indifferently after sex] Well, I enjoyed that more than I thought I would.
Amy Farrah Fowler: [looking like she had the time of her life] Me, too.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Fermentation Bifurcation (#9.22)" (2016)
Amy Farrah Fowler: I'm getting an earthy note.
Penny Hofstadter: There's definitely some oak.
Raj Koothrappali: Also, cherries?
Leonard Hofstadter: I smell nothing.
Howard Wolowitz: Really? Nothing?
Leonard Hofstadter: Just a whole lot of Afrin.

Raj Koothrappali: So, uh, what are you guys talking about?
Claire: Well, your friends were just telling me about all the other girls you're dating.
Raj Koothrappali: Why would you do that? I specifically asked you not to do that!
Penny Hofstadter: We didn't.
Amy Farrah Fowler: *You* just did.
Zack Johnson: Wow, maybe none of you guys are smart.

[first lines]
Penny Hofstadter: Oh, hey, if you guys are free this weekend, I won a night of wine-tasting from work.
Leonard Hofstadter: That sounds fun.
Penny Hofstadter: Mm-hm.
Leonard Hofstadter: How come scientists don't win free stuff like sales people do?
Howard Wolowitz: 'Cause we're not in it for the stuff; we're in it for the groupies.
Sheldon Cooper: Personally, I find the notion of external rewards demeaning; I pursue science for the intrinsic joy of discovery.
Amy Farrah Fowler: But you always say that you want to win a Nobel prize.
Sheldon Cooper: I also say don't contradict me in front of my friends, and that you don't remember.

Zack Johnson: I love science. Einstein, Steven Hawking, Mike deGrasse Tyson.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Mike deGrasse Tyson?
Howard Wolowitz: Yeah, you know. the boxer who grew a moustache and became a scientist.

"The Big Bang Theory: The 21-Second Excitation (#4.8)" (2010)
Amy Farrah Fowler: [to Bernadette] What is the circumference of your areolas?

Amy Farrah Fowler: The internet suggests that slumber party guests often engage in harmless experimentation with lesbianism.
Bernadette: Where exactly on the internet have you been looking?

Penny: You know, Amy, when we say girl talk, it doesn't just have to be about our lady parts.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Shame. Because I have a real zinger about my tilted uterus.

Amy Farrah Fowler: Oh good, a slumber party! We'll do makeovers, initiate phony phone calls, and have spirited pillow fights in our frilly nighties!

"The Big Bang Theory: The Anything Can Happen Recurrence (#7.21)" (2014)
Amy Farrah Fowler: I feel so bad about lying to Sheldon; how am I going to make it up to him?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I'd tell you what I do with Howard, but I don't think dressing up like a catholic schoolgirl is going to work with Sheldon.
Leonard Hofstadter: He'd probably give you homework.

[last lines]
Sheldon Cooper: Hello. I didn't expect you this evening.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Well, I was just feeling so bad about lying to you the other night, I... wanted to make it up to you.
Sheldon Cooper: And how do you propose to do that?
[Amy drops her coat to the floor, showing she is wearing a Catholic schoolgirl outfit]
Sheldon Cooper: Now, unless you have Gravity on Blu-ray under that skirt, I don't know where you're going with this.

Amy Farrah Fowler: I'm sorry. I just needed a break from hearing you obsess about what to do after string theory.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I kinda wanted one night where we didn't have to hear about how miserable you were making this movie.
Amy Farrah Fowler: None of that means we don't love you.
Penny, Leonard Hofstadter: I don't complain that much about the movie, have I?
Leonard Hofstadter: I also love you.

Amy Farrah Fowler: I do feel bad about lying to Sheldon. How am I going to make it up to him?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I'll tell you what I'd do with Howard, but I don't think dressing up like a Catholic school girl is going to work with Sheldon.
[Amy stares off into the distance]
Leonard Hofstadter: He'd probably give you homework.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Extract Obliteration (#6.6)" (2012)
Amy Farrah Fowler: [to Penny] You guys have got to be the weirdest couple I know.
Penny: Really? You can't think of anyone weirder?
Amy Farrah Fowler: [referring to Bernadette] I can,
Amy Farrah Fowler: but she's sitting right there.

Amy Farrah Fowler: Wow. My boyfriend is friends with Stephen Hawking, and my new dandruff shampoo doesn't smell like tar. Everything really is coming up Amy.

Amy Farrah Fowler: I feel like I'm in high-school again.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Yeah. Doing the prom queen's homework so she'll like us.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I know. It's finally working!

Sheldon Cooper: One of the greatest intellects of our time has agreed to engage with me in a gentlemanly battle of wits. And, I'm spanking him so hard his grad students won't be able to sit down.
Amy Farrah Fowler: You know, when one male dominates another, his testosterone level rises.
Sheldon Cooper: What's your point?
Amy Farrah Fowler: It's exciting to think you might be getting a testosterone level.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Romance Resonance (#7.6)" (2013)
[last lines]
Sheldon Cooper: Amy. Amy. Did you hear what I said?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Can't talk. In the zone.

Sheldon Cooper: This is the very copy of the Handbook of Chemistry and Physics in which I looked up the reaction rates of mendelevium and...
Amy Farrah Fowler: And what?
Sheldon Cooper: No. No, no, no, no.
Amy Farrah Fowler: What's wrong?
Sheldon Cooper: I've made a horrible mistake.
Amy Farrah Fowler: What are you talking about?
Sheldon Cooper: This table. It's in square centimeters. I read it as square meters. Do you know what that means?
Amy Farrah Fowler: That Americans can't handle the metric system?
Sheldon Cooper: Amy, I was off by a factor of ten thousand.
Amy Farrah Fowler: But the Chinese team found the element.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, they shouldn't have, my calculations were wrong. There must be some resonance between the elements I didn't know about.
Amy Farrah Fowler: So, you just got lucky?.
Sheldon Cooper: Sheldon Cooper does not get lucky!
Amy Farrah Fowler: [mutters] You and me both, brother.
Amy Farrah Fowler: It doesn't matter. The element was found because of you and that's ground breaking.
Sheldon Cooper: What matters is the greatest scientific achievement of my life is based on a blunder. I'm not a genius. I'm a fraud.

Leonard Hofstadter: Hey, I get that you feel bad about all the attention, but still what you did is amazing. We're really proud of you.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I'm not.
Sheldon Cooper: You're not?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon, I've been thinking about it, and you're right. You don't deserve any credit. All you did was misread some numbers on a table. A very easy table, too. Honestly, I'm embarrassed for you.
Sheldon Cooper: That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard.
Penny: Dammit, everyone's better at this than me.
Sheldon Cooper: Congratulations, Dr. Fowler, you just made the fort.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Yes!

[first lines]
Penny: What're you working on?
Sheldon Cooper: Can't talk. In the zone.
Penny: [to Amy] Do you know what he's doing?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Could be anything. Last time he was like this he figured out electron transport in graphene. Time before that he was making a list of who's allowed in his tree fort if he ever gets one. Still can't believe I didn't make the cut.
Penny: Uh, Sheldon, you wanna take a break? Your food's ready.
Leonard Hofstadter: Eh, what are you doing? He's both happy and quiet. Like seeing a unicorn and Bigfoot at the same time.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Contractual Obligation Implementation (#6.18)" (2013)
Bernadette Rostenkowski: We can't all be Cinderella.
Amy Farrah Fowler: How do we decide?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Simple. I came up with the idea, so I get to be Cinderella. Any of you bitches have a problem with that, I can stop the car right now!

[last lines]
Amy Farrah Fowler: [Lying on the couch, dressed as Snow White] Sheldon, all Snow White needs is one kiss to wake up.
Sheldon Cooper: [Sitting at his desk] I heard you the first time.

[last lines]
Amy Farrah Fowler: [Amy is lying on the couch in a Snow White costume] Sheldon, all Snow White needs is one little kiss to wake up.
Sheldon Cooper: Heard you the first time.

Amy Farrah Fowler: I haven't been to Disneyland since I was a kid; we should definitely go one weekend.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Weekends are too crowded.
Penny: So blow off work. Go on a weekday.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Hookey? I've never played hookey in my life. My mom said that's how girls end up addicted to reefer and jazz music.
Penny: More like how girls end up at a Best Western hotel with a thirty-four-year-old guy named Luther.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Joke?
Penny: I can laugh about it now.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Cohabitation Formulation (#4.16)" (2011)
Amy Farrah Fowler: [to Penny, about Priya] I am regretting my earlier cattiness. She is an absolute delight.

Amy Farrah Fowler: [visiting Penny] I just wanted to check in on you.
Penny: Why?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Seems like the appropriate thing to do when your best friend finds herself replaced by a smart, beautiful woman with the smoldering sexuality of a crouched Bengal tiger.

Amy Farrah Fowler: Granted, Penny, your secondary sexual characteristics are reasonably bodacious, but Priya is highly educated, she's an accomplished professional, and she comes from the culture that literally wrote the book on neat ways to have sex. Whereas you, on the other hand, are a community college dropout who comes from the culture that wrote the book on tipping cows.

Amy Farrah Fowler: Thanks to you, I was able to make a rhesus monkey cry like a disgraced televangelist.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Monster Isolation (#6.17)" (2013)
Leonard Hofstadter: So, Amy, what's going on with your addiction study?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Sadly, I'm no longer associated with that project.
Leonard Hofstadter: Why? What happened?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Typical bureaucratic nonsense. You can get animals addicted to a harmful substance, you can dissect their brains, but you throw their own feces back at them, and suddenly you're unprofessional.
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm sorry... that I asked.

[last lines]
Penny: [Penny is performing on stage in A Streetcar Named Desire as Blanche DuBois] You love her very much, don't you?
Tom: Yes.
Penny: I think you have great capacity for devotion. You'll be lonely when she passes on, won't you? I understand what that is.
Tom: To be lonely?
Leonard Hofstadter: She's pretty good, huh?
Sheldon Cooper: She is, but when do they get to the part about streetcars?
Penny: ...when I was a very young girl. When I was sixteen years old I made the discovery. Love. All at once and much, much too completely. It was like you suddenly turned a blinding light on something that had always been half a shadow. That's how it struck the world for me. But I was unlucky. Deluded.
Sheldon Cooper: She's remarkable.
Leonard Hofstadter: She really is.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Our Penny's a star.
Sheldon Cooper: How can she remember all those lines, but as a waitress she can't remember "no tomato" on my hamburger?

Sheldon Cooper: How's the final stage of your nicotine addiction study going?
Amy Farrah Fowler: [as monkeys screech loudly off-screen] Fine. Just hold on.
[yells at monkeys]
Amy Farrah Fowler: Mommy's on the phone!
[Back to Sheldon]
Amy Farrah Fowler: Sorry. We've cut the monkeys down to one cigarette a day, so things are a little intense. Makes me miss my marijuana-abusing flatworms; those guys were mellow.

Amy Farrah Fowler: [yelling at her test monkey] Yeah, yeah, you want a cigarette; well, I'd like a normal boyfriend! Deal with it!

"The Big Bang Theory: The Status Quo Combustion (#7.24)" (2014)
[first lines]
Leonard Hofstadter: How's your mom holding up?
Howard Wolowitz: She's doing okay. but we just lost another nurse.
Amy Farrah Fowler: How many is that now?
Howard Wolowitz: Two. And I know what you're thinking: she's eating them.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: She's just so impossible, they keep quitting.
Sheldon Cooper: So, who's watching her now?
Howard Wolowitz: A bowlful of M&M's with a few Ambien tossed in.

Amy Farrah Fowler: This might work out for the best. I mean, you're always complaining what a terrible roommate Leonard is. Like how he turns up the thermostat when you're not there.
Sheldon Cooper: Ugh. It's like walking into the Amazon. And not the good Amazon with one-day shipping. The awful one with bird and snakes.
Amy Farrah Fowler: You hate the sound of all those keys on this key chain.
Sheldon Cooper: Four keys! I mean, who does he think he is, a warden?
Amy Farrah Fowler: See, maybe you'll love living alone.
Sheldon Cooper: I don't know. Perhaps.
Amy Farrah Fowler: And if it turns out you don't... you and I could live together.
Sheldon Cooper: You and... Oh, sure. While we're at it why don't we get engaged, too. Why don't get a little house, start a family? Enjoy our sunset years together. Do you hear yourself, woman?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon, it was just a thought.
Sheldon Cooper: No, here's a thought. You're not moving in, Leonard's not moving out. Everything stays exactly the way it is.

[last lines]
Amy Farrah Fowler: Okay, Sheldon, thanks for checking in. Talk to you tomorrow? O-okay, bye.
Leonard Hofstadter: He's okay?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Actually sounds like he's doing pretty well.
Penny: I really think this is going to be for the best.
Leonard Hofstadter: Me too. And he was able to take a sabbatical...
Amy Farrah Fowler: [Hitting Leonard with a cushion] How could you let him go?

Sheldon Cooper: I saw you make this Strawberry Quik with syrup, and you're supposed to use the powder.
Amy Farrah Fowler: It tastes the same.
Sheldon Cooper: No! The syrup tastes better, and I don't like it!

"The Big Bang Theory: The Commitment Determination (#8.24)" (2015)
Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon, do you understand the irony of your fixation on a man with super speed, while after five years all I can get out of you is a distracted make-out session on a couch?
Sheldon Cooper: Irony's not really my strong suit.

Sheldon Cooper: But I have been getting better with sarcasm, if you want to give that a try.
Amy Farrah Fowler: [sarcastic] Oh, sure, I'd love to.
Sheldon Cooper: Whenever you're ready.

[Sheldon and Amy are Skyping]
Sheldon Cooper: I've been thinking a lot about relationships and how difficult they can be, and I think...
Amy Farrah Fowler: I've been thinking about them, too, Sheldon. Being your girlfriend is so challenging. Emotionally, physically. I've been incredibly patient for years.
Sheldon Cooper: Strongly disagree. Go on.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Okay, well... this isn't easy to say, because I love you, but... I need some time to take a step back and reevaluate our situation.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I hope you understand.
Sheldon Cooper: Okay.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Bye, Sheldon.
[Skype session ends and Sheldon looks at a statue of Gollum]
Sheldon Cooper: Well, Gollum, you're an expert on rings.
[Sheldon takes out an engagement ring from his desk drawer]
Sheldon Cooper: What do I do with this one?

Amy Farrah Fowler: Can you believe it's been five years since our first date?
Sheldon Cooper: I know. Do you think I should start watching The Flash TV show?
Amy Farrah Fowler: That's what you're thinking about?
Sheldon Cooper: Well, one of the things.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Are any of them me?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes. I thought, I can't decide if I should watch The Flash TV show. I know, I'll ask Amy. Anyway.
Amy Farrah Fowler: What are you doing?
Sheldon Cooper: You're right, you did kind of kill the mood.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I didn't kill anything. You did, talking about your stupid TV show.
Sheldon Cooper: Excuse me. Starting to watch a television show that might run for years isn't a decision to take lightly. I'm wrestling with a big commitment issue here.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Really? That's the commitment issue you're wrestling with? Sheldon, do you understand the irony of your fixation on a man with super speed, while after five years all I can get out of you is a distracted make-out session on a couch?
Sheldon Cooper: Irony's not really my strong suit. But I have been getting better with sarcasm, if you want to give that a try.
Amy Farrah Fowler: [sarcastically] Oh, sure, I'd love to.
Sheldon Cooper: Whenever you're ready.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Proton Transmogrification (#7.22)" (2014)
Sheldon Cooper: I'll be at home celebrating Star Wars' Day as planned.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Are you sure you don't want to say goodbye?
Sheldon Cooper: Amy, mourning the inevitable is a complete waste of time.
Amy Farrah Fowler: And watching a bunch of goofy space movies you've seen hundreds of time isn't?
Sheldon Cooper: If we were in a physical relationship you just lost sex tonight.

Amy Farrah Fowler: Arthur passing away was harder on Sheldon than he's ready to admit. I'm hoping this will cheer him up.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Me too. Although it might have been thoughtless of us to make a Death Star cake.
Amy Farrah Fowler: No, it combines two of Sheldon's favorite things. Chocolate chips and the ability of destroying a planet at the push of a button.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Well, anyway, it'll be a nice surprise for the boys. And Howie doesn't think I take his interests seriously, so hopefully this will keep him fooled for a while.

Bernadette Rostenkowski: I got into science because I was the smallest kid in school so I thought if I became a scientist I can invent a formula that can make me taller.
Amy Farrah Fowler: That's cute.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Yeah. I thought it was working for a while, but then I just found out my brother was lowering the pencil marks on the door frame. How about you?
Amy Farrah Fowler: I guess it must have begun back when I was in the girl sprouts.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Girl sprouts?
Amy Farrah Fowler: My mom made it up as an alternative to the Girl Scouts. She didn't want me selling cookies on some street corner like a whore.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: How did that get you into science?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Oh, I went to the library to check out a book on biology to see what whores did.

Bernadette Rostenkowski: This is fun. You don't see many spherical cakes.
[the cake rolls off the table and onto the floor]
Amy Farrah Fowler: I wonder why that is?

"The Big Bang Theory: The Fetal Kick Catalyst (#10.6)" (2016)
Sheldon Cooper: Let's say that we were to entertain people. What type of gathering did you have in mind? Huh? A meal? Lunch? Brunch? Dinner? Afternoon tea? A formal tea? Hmm? Is it a party? And if so, what kind of party? Is it a cocktail party? A Tupperware party? Ooh, yeah - is it a surprise party? Oh, I hope it's not a West Coast party, 'cause according to the man on the radio, a West Coast party don't stop.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I'm sorry I mentioned it.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, don't be. You get your hopes up, I knock them down. That's called teamwork.

[last lines]
Stuart Bloom: You know what I love about you? Hmm? You never leave the house without a paper clip!
Sheldon Cooper: You never know when two pieces of paper might temporarily need fastening in the top left corner.
Stuart Bloom: I also love how you never use swear words.
Sheldon Cooper: You know, ti turns out... you can hurt people just as well without 'em.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Maybe I can get a little help putting some of this stuff away?
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, calm down.
[holding up his mimosa]
Sheldon Cooper: I already put away five of these.
[to Stuart]
Sheldon Cooper: See, ain't no muss, no fuss, not a single cuss.

Sheldon Cooper: For our first time hosting, I thought it would be wise to conduct a trial run. You know, like how I practised for that Halloween haunted house by going into the bathroom at the bus station.
Amy Farrah Fowler: But you never went into that haunted house.
Sheldon Cooper: Yeah, you never saw what jumped out at me at the bus station.

Amy Farrah Fowler: Thank you, Sheldon. This is a fun surprise.
Sheldon Cooper: Ohhh. Well, the real surprise is how surprised you are that I'm great at surprises.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Well, that's not a surprise at all. I mean if I knew you were good at surprises I would have expected the surprise and therefore not have been surprised, but as it is I didn't know, and therefore my surprise should be unsurprising.
Sheldon Cooper: Don't get me all randy; guests are on the way.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Santa Simulation (#6.11)" (2012)
Amy Farrah Fowler: In college, I passed out at a frat party and woke up with *more* clothes on.

Raj Koothrappali: I'm always attracted to women I can't have; I do it all the time. I did the same thing with the two of you.
Amy Farrah Fowler: The two of them? I don't understand.
Raj Koothrappali: Well, uh, there was a time when I had a thing for Penny, and I thought she was into me too because she got drunk and naked and climbed into bed with me, but apparently I misread those signals.
Amy Farrah Fowler: And you like Bernadette also?
Raj Koothrappali: Uh, that was before Penny. I make it a rule to only fall for one of my friends' girlfriends at a time. I'm very old-fashioned that way.

Amy Farrah Fowler: So at, uh, some point, you probably had a thing for me, too.
Raj Koothrappali: No, not really.
Penny: Oh, come on, Raj, not even a little bit?
Raj Koothrappali: Not that I can think of.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Think harder.
Raj Koothrappali: Nope. I guess the heart wants what the heart wants. Or in this case, doesn't, I mean, at all. What?

Penny: See you, boys, we're going drinking.
Raj Koothrappali: Wait, can I come with you? My character died.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Sorry, Raj, it's girls' night out.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Maybe another time.
[Penny, Bernadette, and Amy leave]
Leonard Hofstadter: [continuing the game] Okay.
Penny: [sticking her head back into the apartment] Come on.
Raj Koothrappali: [leaping off the couch] Girls' night! Girls' night! Woo! Woo!
[the apartment door closes behind Penny and Raj]
Stuart: How does he not hear that?

"The Big Bang Theory: The Indecision Amalgamation (#7.19)" (2014)
Amy Farrah Fowler: How can you possibly make a decision?
Sheldon Cooper: I don't know.
Amy Farrah Fowler: [shouting] Please pass the butter!

Sheldon Cooper: On the one hand, the XBox One has a camera. On the other hand, the PS4 has a removable hard drive. Thoughts?
Amy Farrah Fowler: I can't feel my legs.

Bernadette Rostenkowski: Does this make me a horrible person?
Amy Farrah Fowler: No, of course not. It was an accident.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: What about that I wish she would die before she read the card?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Okay, now you're straddling the line.

Amy Farrah Fowler: How about this. They say if you flip a coin, it shows your true feelings, because you'll either be excited or disappointed by the outcome. So, heads it's an XBox One, tails it's a PS4.
Sheldon Cooper: All right.
[flips coin]
Amy Farrah Fowler: So, what is it?
Sheldon Cooper: A quarter.
[Tosses quarter away]
Amy Farrah Fowler: Could have given it back to me. That was a choice.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Colonization Application (#8.17)" (2015)
Leonard Hofstadter: Why a turtle?
Sheldon Cooper: After much deliberation, we've determined that a turtle is the ideal pet. They don't shed fur. They don't make noise.
Amy Farrah Fowler: For Halloween, we can dress him as a cobble stone.
Sheldon Cooper: And, if he ever goes beserk, I know I can out run him. Coincidentally that's also why I chose you as a roommate.

Amy Farrah Fowler: Getting a joint pet is a big step in our relationship.
Sheldon Cooper: It's true. It means we love each other so much we have enough left over for an eight ounce reptile.

Amy Farrah Fowler: Let's pick a turtle. How about that one, on the log?
Sheldon Cooper: I don't know. He looks like a jerk. How about this one?
Amy Farrah Fowler: That one? He's hardly moving, he looks half dead.
Sheldon Cooper: I know. I like him too.

Sheldon Cooper: I can't believe you almost let me bring a wild animal into my house.
Amy Farrah Fowler: No one told you to stick your finger in the turtle's face.
Sheldon Cooper: I was playing got your nose. That's how you get kids to like you.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Hofstadter Insufficiency (#7.1)" (2013)
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Your boyfriend's kinda... Sheldon.
Amy Farrah Fowler: And your husband is extremely Howard; what's your point?

Bernadette Rostenkowski: To the advancement of science.
Amy Farrah Fowler: And to the sick and dying who make it possible.

Bernadette Rostenkowski: This is fun, we never really get to talk shop with Penny around. We usually just end up talking about boys.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Which is fine, but it's nice to mix it up with a little intellectual conversation.
Waiter: From the two gentlemen at the bar.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Oh, my gosh, boys bought us drinks, boys bought us drinks. Thank you, thank you, thank you so much.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Be cool.
Amy Farrah Fowler: You be cool. Guys are hitting on us, and not just to get to Penny.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: You're right. Thank you.

Bernadette Rostenkowski: Good night.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Mm-hmm. It was rather flattering to have strangers send us drinks.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Yeah, that felt nice.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Maybe tomorrow morning we put on some hot pants and see if we can score us some free omelettes.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: So, hypothetically, if, if we were to have gone with them, which one would you have picked?
Amy Farrah Fowler: I think I would have gone with the short one with the goofy haircut.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Oh, good, 'cause I liked the tall thin one. He seemed intelligent, kind of a loner, maybe a little sexually inexperienced, like I'd have to teach him a thing or two.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Not my guy. I caught him staring at my rack. It'd be nice to be with a man who wants to know what's underneath my cardigan. FYI, it's another cardigan.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Your short sexed-up guy kind of sounds like Howard.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Your brainy virgin kind of sounds like Sheldon.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: [Both realized they described the other woman's gut. Both say... ] Good night.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Valentino Submergence (#9.15)" (2016)
Amy Farrah Fowler: Since we're live, you'll finally be able to reach out to us with your flag thoughts and flag questions.
Sheldon Cooper: Allow us to answer a few quick ones that we get all the time. Um uh, yes, I really am a doctor. Uh, yes, she really is my girlfriend.
Amy Farrah Fowler: And no, I just blink a lot; it's not Morse code for rescue me.

[last lines]
Sheldon Cooper: Did you know the singular of confetti is confetto?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Interesting. And when would you use the singular?
Sheldon Cooper: I'm glad you asked. Amy, you have a confetto in your nose.
[she rubs her nose]
Sheldon Cooper: No no no no. Other side.
[she rubs the other side]
Sheldon Cooper: There you go.

Sheldon Cooper: [about his live 'Fun with Flags' show] I hope people will be around to watch even though it's Valentine's day.
Amy Farrah Fowler: People who are fans of an internet show about flags, trust me they're around.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Werewolf Transformation (#5.18)" (2012)
Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon, you're ruining girlfriend-boyfriend sing-along night.
Sheldon Cooper: I'm sorry, I'm looking for a barber, and I'm running out of time. My hair is growing at the rate of four point six yoctometers per femtosecond. And if you're quiet, you can hear it.
Amy Farrah Fowler: What about Supercuts?
Sheldon Cooper: I tried once. They do men's and women's hair in the same room at the same time. It's like Sodom and Gomorrah with mousse.

Amy Farrah Fowler: Well, this isn't a crisis. Why don't you just let your hair grow out a little?
Sheldon Cooper: Why don't I let my hair grow out? Um, why don't I start wearing Birkenstocks and seeking validation of my opinions by asking: "Can you dig it?"
Amy Farrah Fowler: Well, I don't know. I think you might look sexy with long hair. The kind that flows down to your shoulders and blows back while riding on a horse. Bareback and barechested...
Amy Farrah Fowler: I'm gonna go brush my teeth, it might take a while.

Penny: All right, Sheldon, this craziness has gone on long enough. Please come home so I can cut your hair.
Sheldon Cooper: Penny, you're not trained, you're not licensed, and most importantly, you don't have access to my haircut records.
Penny: All right, honey, look. We've known each other for a long time now, right? I've taken you to Disneyland, I kicked a bully in the nuts for you, I sing you "Soft Kitty" when you're sick, you've even seen me naked once.
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm sorry, what?
Penny: It's a long story. Anyway, Sheldon, I promise I know what I'm doing. Please let me cut your hair.
Sheldon Cooper: Amy, what do you think?
Amy Farrah Fowler: There's not a hair on my body I wouldn't let this woman trim.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Date Night Variable (#6.1)" (2012)
Amy Farrah Fowler: I can't believe my upper lip will be the same color as my fake blond friend.
Penny: Hey! This is my natural color... now.

Amy Farrah Fowler: If Sheldon ever proposed to me during sex, my ovaries would hang on to him and never let go.

Amy Farrah Fowler: Did I ever tell you that you look like a sexy praying mantis?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes, every time you drink alcohol.
Amy Farrah Fowler: The fascinating thing about praying mantis, they eat their mate.
Sheldon Cooper: So?
Amy Farrah Fowler: [Undoes the top button of her blouse] Dessert is served.
Sheldon Cooper: I just had cobbler.
Amy Farrah Fowler: [Buttons back up] That's it. I'm done. I'm leaving.
Sheldon Cooper: Amy, don't go. I need you.
Amy Farrah Fowler: You do?
Sheldon Cooper: Of course. You're my ride.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon, either you say something meaningful and from the heart, or you and I are through.
Sheldon Cooper: Very well. Amy, when I look at your eyes and you're looking back in mine, everything feels not quite normal. Because I feel stronger and weaker at the same time. I feel excited, and at the same time, terrified. The truth is, I don't know what I feel, except I know what kind of man I want to be.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon, that was beautiful.
Sheldon Cooper: I should hope so. It's from the first Spider-Man movie.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I'll take it.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Raiders Minimization (#7.4)" (2013)
Sheldon Cooper: [theme from 'Raiders of the Lost Ark' is playing] So, what do you think?
Amy Farrah Fowler: It was good.
Sheldon Cooper: That's it? Good?
Amy Farrah Fowler: I enjoyed it. When you told me I was going to be "losing my virginity" I didn't think you meant showing me 'Raiders of the Lost Ark' for the first time.
Sheldon Cooper: My apologies; I chose my words poorly. I should have said you were about to have your world rocked on my couch. Anyway, thank you for watching it. It's one of my all-time favorites.
Amy Farrah Fowler: It was very entertaining, despite the glaring story problem.
Sheldon Cooper: Story problem? Oh, Amy! What a dewy-eyed moon-calf you are. 'Raiders of the Lost Ark' is the lovechild of Steven Spielberg and George Lucas, two of the most gifted filmmakers of our generation. I've watched it thirty-six times, except for the snake scene and the face-melting scene which I can only watch when it's still light out, but. I defy you to find a story problem. Here's my jaw; drop it.
Amy Farrah Fowler: All right. Indiana Jones plays no role in the outcome of the story. If he weren't in the film, it would turn out exactly the same.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, I see your confusion. You don't understand; Indiana Jones was the one in the hat with the whip.
Amy Farrah Fowler: No, I do. And if he weren't in the movie the Nazis would have still found the ark, taken it to the island, opened it up, and all died. Just like they did. Let me close that for you.
[gently pushes his chin up to close his mouth]

Amy Farrah Fowler: Hello, Sheldon, is everything OK?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes. Why?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Well, the last time you made an unscheduled video chat, there was a curly fry in your regular fries, and you thought someone might be trying to slip you a mickey.
Sheldon Cooper: April thirteenth. A dark night indeed.

Sheldon Cooper: Well. You sit back, relax and enjoy a beloved childhood memory. You see that cabin there? I read they were illegally squatting on Indian land. Well, personally I think what we did to the Native Americans was wrong, but this is your favorite show, not mine. Oh look at little Laura Ingalls eating that peanut butter sandwich. Peanut butter, huh. That's strange since peanut butter wasn't introduced until the early 1900's.
[Amy stops smiling]
Sheldon Cooper: If I knew this show was about time travel I would have watched it much sooner.
Amy Farrah Fowler: [Amy stops the show] You're trying to get back at me for what I said about "Raiders of the Lost Ark".
Sheldon Cooper: That's silly. Almost as silly as Dr. Baker having a telephone, since telephones only existed in large cities at the time. It's more like "Little House on the Preposterous".
Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon, we're in a relationship. When you get angry, tell me. You don't need to seek revenge.
Sheldon Cooper: Are you sure? Every time my Dad stayed out all night my Mom put hamster poop in his chewing tobacco.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Well, that's not how we're going to do it.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, fine. I'm mad at you. Not only did you ruin "Raiders" for me but you may have ruined the whole franchise, except for the fourth one which was bad before you got your mitts on it.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I shouldn't have said it. I'm sorry.
Sheldon Cooper: Thank you.
Amy Farrah Fowler: You feel better?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes. But not as good when I tell you, your precious Garfield has no reason to hate Mondays. He's a cat. He doesn't have a job.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Ornithophobia Diffusion (#5.9)" (2011)
Bernadette Rostenkowski: [picking up the bird] He's a sweetie.
Sheldon Cooper: Yes, it's very sweet. Now, slowly and carefully... flush him down the toilet.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon, the only way to get past this fear is to interact with it. Just like you did with the mailman.

Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon, what do you expect us to do?
Sheldon Cooper: You're biologists. Biology is the study of living things. That's a living thing. Get crackin'.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I specialize with microorganisms, and Amy studies brains.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Yeah, neither of us minored in bird shooing.

Sheldon Cooper: [talking to a blue jay] If you were a dove, I'd call you Lovey Dovey. Oh, who am I kidding? This isn't a moment for strict adherence to the literal. You're just my Lovey Dovey, aren't you?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Guess you gotta have hollow bones to get some sugar around here.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Parking Spot Escalation (#6.9)" (2012)
Amy Farrah Fowler: [confronting Penny and Bernadette in the former's apartment] Oh, looks like someone's on Team Bernadette. Where's Howard?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: He's not here. What's wrong?
Amy Farrah Fowler: [sharply] He had my car towed! It cost me two hundred dollars to get it back.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Oh, no. Where was it parked?
[Penny looks surprised]
Amy Farrah Fowler: In Sheldon's spot.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: That doesn't make sense. Sheldon doesn't have a spot. Was it maybe in Howard's spot?
[Penny looks concerned at the thought of them arguing]
Amy Farrah Fowler: Don't play dumb with me, sister! You tell your husband he owes me two hundred dollars.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Well, that doesn't make sense, either.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Why not?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Because I'm the one who had it towed.
Amy Farrah Fowler: You?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Didn't see that one coming, did ya?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Oh, yeah? Well, you're not gonna see this coming!
[she swings her handbag at Bernadette, who ducks, and Amy ends up hitting Penny instead]

[Amy and Bernadette are arguing over the parking spot, and Amy tries to hit Bernadette with her handbag, but Bernadette ducks, and Amy hits Penny instead]
Penny: [crying out in pain] You idiot! What the hell do you have in there?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Just my wallet, keys and a coffee can full of change I've been meaning to take to the bank!
Bernadette Rostenkowski: [running off] Don't move, I'll get some ice!
Amy Farrah Fowler: Are you okay?
Penny: Get away from me, or I swear to God I will rip out what's left of your pubes!
Bernadette Rostenkowski: [returning with a bag of frozen peas] Here.
Penny: [groaning in pain] Thanks.

[Amy and Bernadette's arguing over the parking spot resulted in Penny being hit in the face and badly bruised]
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Amy, you think maybe this has gotten a little out of hand?
Penny: [pained] Gee, you think?
Amy Farrah Fowler: I do. Penny, Bernadette and I are sorry.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: [enraged] You hit her! What did I do?
Amy Farrah Fowler: You had my car towed!
Bernadette Rostenkowski: [yelling] You were parked in Howard's spot!
Amy Farrah Fowler: [yelling] I was parked in Sheldon's spot!
Bernadette Rostenkowski: [arguing back] Sheldon doesn't HAVE a spot!
Penny: Guys, I think I need to go to the emergency room!
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Okay, let's go.
[they take Penny by her arms and escort her out]
Amy Farrah Fowler: I'll drive. You can see where the tow truck scratched my car.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: The tow truck didn't scratch your car.
Amy Farrah Fowler: How do you know?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: [imitating Mrs. Wolowitz] 'CAUSE I DID IT!

"The Big Bang Theory: The Pulled Groin Extrapolation (#5.3)" (2011)
Amy Farrah Fowler: Would you like to dance?
Leonard Hofstadter: No, thank you, I'm not really much of a dancer.
Amy Farrah Fowler: You're not exactly winning any trophies as a conversationalist either.

Amy Farrah Fowler: Leonard, you may not have noticed, but I am being a delight here. And you're not holding up your end of the evening.
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm sorry. The wedding just reminds me of my kind of-sort of-girlfriend 9000 miles away.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I have a kind-of sort-of boyfriend who's playing with a model train right now, you don't hear me bitching about it.

Amy Farrah Fowler: [as Leonard tries to attach a corsage to her blouse] When you've finished copping a feel, that goes on my wrist.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Hot Tub Contamination (#10.5)" (2016)
[first lines]
Penny Hofstadter: OK, I'm confused. Which one is Mr, Robot?
Leonard Hofstadter: I'll give you a hint. We're watching Daredevil.
[Sheldon storms in, followed by Amy]
Sheldon Cooper: Will you two please inform Amy how much you enjoy adhering to a strict bathroom schedule!
Penny Hofstadter: Can't.
Leonard Hofstadter: Won't.
Penny Hofstadter: Didn't.
Leonard Hofstadter: Don't.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I told you you can't regulate every aspect of our lives.
Sheldon Cooper: I *can* if you'd just roll over and accept your fate.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I'm sorry for bringing this over here.
Penny Hofstadter: And believe me we know what you're going through.
Leonard Hofstadter: And I, I think the most helpful thing we can tell you is no backsies.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon, I understand that you like things a certain way, and I am willing to make some concessions, but you have to be open to compromise.
Penny Hofstadter: She's right; that's reasonable.
Sheldon Cooper: Ohhh, look who's in favor of compromise: the woman who married Leonard Hofstadter.
Leonard Hofstadter: Heyyy, she didn't compromise; she settled. There's a difference.
Penny Hofstadter: Yeah, you tell 'em, babe.

Sheldon Cooper: As a male I have an evolutionary drive to perpetuate my DNA, and restricting myself to a single partner is against my nature.
Amy Farrah Fowler: We sleep together once a year; you want other partners?
Sheldon Cooper: Don't blame me; blame your pal Biology. He's the pervert pulling the strings here.
Amy Farrah Fowler: You want to see other people? Go see other people.
Penny Hofstadter: Hope one of those people is a monkey, 'cause this is bananas.

[last lines]
Sheldon Cooper: To prove how serious I am about us, I'm willing to take our relationship to the next level.
[scene changes to their bathroom]
Sheldon Cooper: Amy Farrah Fowler, will you share this toothbrush holder with me?
Amy Farrah Fowler: I would love to.
Leonard Hofstadter: Did we really need to be here for this?
Penny Hofstadter: [choking up] Call me crazy, but I found it moving;

"The Big Bang Theory: The Holiday Summation (#10.12)" (2017)
Mary Cooper: Shelly, how do I put this? By your third birthday you had memorized over a thousand different kinds of trains... and I never imagined a woman getting aboard any of them.
Sheldon Cooper: What's a... You thought I was going to be alone for the rest my life?
Sheldon Cooper: No, just for the middle part. At the end I assumed there'd be nurses.
Sheldon Cooper: This is highly insulting!
Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon, don't over-react.
Sheldon Cooper: I'm the child she was worried about! I have a brother and sister whose combined intellectual wattage couldn't power a potato clock! If I spotted them the potato!

Amy Farrah Fowler: [Sheldon has stormed off to his room] He's been in there a long time. Should I go talk to him?
Mary Cooper: He's upset with me; I should be the one who talks to him.
[she continues knitting]
Amy Farrah Fowler: Are you going to?
Mary Cooper: Oh heck no.

[last lines]
Amy Farrah Fowler: That was fun; thank you.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Yeah, thanks.
Penny Hofstadter: Our pleasure.
Leonard Hofstadter: See you guys at work.
Raj Koothrappali: Be there bright and early.
Howard Wolowitz: Not me; paternity leave.
Sheldon Cooper: Agh. A small human wreaks havoc on his wife's genitals, and he gets time off.
Howard Wolowitz: With pay, sucka!
[they leave and Sheldon and Penny start to clear up. Then Howard returns]
Howard Wolowitz: Forgot the baby. Still new to this.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Tangible Affection Proof (#6.16)" (2013)
Amy Farrah Fowler: And I appreciate your effort, but upon contemplation, I decided I was being selfish. So, I cancelled our dinner reservations and came up with an even better way to celebrate Valentine's Day.
Sheldon Cooper: What is that?
Amy Farrah Fowler: By doing none of it. No dinner, no romance, no gifts. We stay here, order a pizza and watch one of your beloved Star War Trek things.
Sheldon Cooper: Really?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Well, that's what you'd love, isn't it?
Sheldon Cooper: More than anything.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Well, then, that's what we're going to do.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, I don't know what to say. This is the most thoughtful gift that anyone's ever given me. And that's including an amazing gift that I gave myself earlier today.
Amy Farrah Fowler: 'm your girlfriend. That's my job. And I know gift-giving puts a lot of pressure on you, so whatever you got me, you can return.
Sheldon Cooper: No. No, after everything you didn't do for me tonight, I want you to have it.
Amy Farrah Fowler: What's this?
Sheldon Cooper: Read it.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon Cooper, Caltech University employee information?
Sheldon Cooper: At the bottom.
Amy Farrah Fowler: In case of emergency, please contact... Amy Farrah Fowler. And there's my phone number. This is the most beautiful gift you could've ever given me.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, I thought, if I have a stroke or a kidney stone, who would I want to share that with?
Amy Farrah Fowler: And you picked me.
Sheldon Cooper: It's like you said, you're my girlfriend.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Oh, Sheldon.
[Hugs him]
Sheldon Cooper: Yeah. Okay. Stop ruining Valentine's Day and order my pizza.

Sheldon Cooper: Well, in conclusion, I believe the painful sensation felt after passing a meal of spicy chilies is proof that the rectum does possess the sense of taste.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I concur, but you changed the subject. What are we doing for Valentine's Day?
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, you got that, didja?

[last lines]
Amy Farrah Fowler: [answers her phone] Hello?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Another medical emergency? What's wrong with him now?
Amy Farrah Fowler: I seriously doubt he was bitten by a Chinese bird spider.
Amy Farrah Fowler: How exactly does a bump feel Asian?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Just put him on the phone.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon, I am not driving over there again.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Because I drove over there yesterday for a brain tumor that turned out to be an ice cream headache.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Yes, I still want to be your emergency contact.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Yes, you can eat your ice cream too fast and also have a brain tumor.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I'm on my way.
[ends the call]
Amy Farrah Fowler: Brain tumor would explain a lot.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Vacation Solution (#5.16)" (2012)
Amy Farrah Fowler: I'm excited to work with my boyfriend. It's going to be be romantic.
Sheldon Cooper: Way to kill the mood.

Amy Farrah Fowler: Are we nervous, Dr. Cooper?
Sheldon Cooper: No. What you see is a man trembling with confidence... Does the locus coeruleus normally bleed that much?
Amy Farrah Fowler: No. But your thumb does.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh dear!
Amy Farrah Fowler: Yeah, *you're* a biologist.

Amy Farrah Fowler: We can be like Marie Curie and her husband Pierre, who spent their days working side by side bathed in the glow of their love and the radium that ultimately killed her. Screw Beauty and the Beast, *that's* the love story Disney should tell.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Prom Equivalency (#8.8)" (2014)
Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon, there's something else I've been wanting to say. But before I do, just... I want you to know you don't have to say it back. I know you're not ready, and I don't want you to say it just because social convention dictates...
Sheldon Cooper: I love you too.
Amy Farrah Fowler: You said it.
Sheldon Cooper: There's no denying I have feelings for you that can't be explained in any other way. I briefly considered I had a brain parasite, but that seems even more far-fetched. The only conclusion was love.
[Amy starts hyperventilating]
Sheldon Cooper: I know what that is. You're having a panic attack. SoccerMom09 says to lie down on your back.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Thank you.
[runs over to Sheldon's bed]
Sheldon Cooper: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Just because I love you doesn't mean that girls are allowed in my room.

Amy Farrah Fowler: [Picks up a red dress] And what is this?
Penny: That, believe it or not, was my prom dress.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: You still have it? I thought it would be balled up in the corner of a barn somewhere.
Penny: What kind of teenager did you think I was?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Slutty.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Easy
Penny: The word is popular.

Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon, are you all right?
Sheldon Cooper: Not really. I seem to be having a panic attack, according to this chatgroup I found. SoccerMom09 had the same symptoms. Although to be fair, the twins were being terrible that day.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Spoiler Alert Segmentation (#6.15)" (2013)
Amy Farrah Fowler: So, what's your plan moving forward?
Sheldon Cooper: I suppose I'll have to find and cultivate a new roommate. What a task that will be. Do you know how uncivilized Leonard was when I took him in?
Amy Farrah Fowler: No.
Sheldon Cooper: It took me forever to get him on a bathroom schedule. He would go whenever the mood struck him.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Like a dog boy.
Sheldon Cooper: Exactly.
Amy Farrah Fowler: What if you could find a roommate who was a scientist and already familiar and comfortable with your ways?
Sheldon Cooper: That would be ideal. If a person like that existed I would sign on no further questions asked.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Great! Here I am!
Sheldon Cooper: Wait. Here who is where?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Me. Aren't I your perfect roommate?
Sheldon Cooper: Um.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Think about it, Sheldon. I'm not a stranger. We're intellectually compatible. I'm willing to chauffeur you around town. And your personality quirks which others find abhorrent or rave inducing I find cute as a button. What do you think?
Sheldon Cooper: Um.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Tell me one reason that this isn't a fantastic idea.
Sheldon Cooper: Um.
Amy Farrah Fowler: See, you can't. I'm going to see if Leonard's room is big enough for my water bed.
Sheldon Cooper: Um.

Sheldon Cooper: You can't live here.
Amy Farrah Fowler: What? Why? Is it the message? I only used urban slang to sound tough so people wouldn't break in.
Sheldon Cooper: It's not the message.
Amy Farrah Fowler: What is it then? I did everything just the way you like it.
Sheldon Cooper: You did.
Amy Farrah Fowler: THEN WHAT THE HELL SHELDON? We have been going out for over two years and I have been nothing but patient with you. I watch your dopey space movies. I signed your ridiculous contract. I even stopped wearing lip gloss because you said it made my mouth look too slippery. I am the best girlfriend you're ever going to have. Just give me one good reason why I can't live here.
Sheldon Cooper: It's Penny's fault.
Amy Farrah Fowler: What?
Sheldon Cooper: She doesn't want to live with Leonard so he has to live here again. She's the snake in our garden. She's the reason we can't be happy.

Amy Farrah Fowler: You're a coward!
Sheldon Cooper: Well, the evidence does seem to support that.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Habitation Configuration (#6.7)" (2012)
Wil Wheaton: You do know I'm doing this for free.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Yes, and so far we're not getting our money's worth.

Amy Farrah Fowler: Your friend was rude to me and you should have taken my side. Good night, Sheldon.
[Logs off]
Sheldon Cooper: Wow. Amy's mad at me and Leonard was right. What a weird day.

[last lines]
Sheldon Cooper: Hello. I'm Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Welcome to Sheldon Cooper Presents: Fun with Flags. Get ready for a very special episode where we explore the flags of the popular entertainment franchise 'Star Trek', and to help us I'm pleased to introduce a special guest - surprisingly it only took gas money and the promise of free food to get him here - Mr. LeVar Burton.
LeVar Burton: Hey, Sheldon, it's a pleasure to be here. Well, we've got some interesting flags...
Amy Farrah Fowler: Cut! Yikes! The guy is worse than Wil Wheaton.
Sheldon Cooper: [to leVar] I don't know what she's talking about, but I'm obligated to agree with her. She's my girlfriend.
LeVar Burton: Ahh, I hear you, brother. I still get lunch, right?

"The Big Bang Theory: The Mystery Date Observation (#9.8)" (2015)
Amy Farrah Fowler: If you don't mind me asking, why did you and your wife split up?
Dave: Oh, you know how it is. We wanted different things. I wanted children, and she wanted a pastry chef named Jean-Philippe.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Oh, I'm, I'm so sorry.
Dave: Ah, that's fine. That's why I left England. It reminded me too much of her - cold, gloomy and easily accessed by a Frenchman through a tunnel.

Amy Farrah Fowler: Some people think the sexiest organ is the brain.
Penny Hofstadter: No one ever bought me drinks at a bar because my brain just popped out of my shirt.

[last lines]
Dave: Thanks for driving me home.
Amy Farrah Fowler: No problem. I'm really sorry about your car.
Dave: Oh, it's all right. If you're free next weekend, I'd like to take you out again.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Um, listen, you're a really nice guy, but I just, I don't think this is working out.
Dave: Oh. OK.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I'm, I'm really sorry.
Dave: Aif- At least the same woman that rejected Sheldon Cooper rejected me.
Amy Farrah Fowler: There you go, huh!
Dave: If I ever do meet him, we'll have that in common.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Sure, huh.
Dave: And he's kissed you, and I've kissed you, so if you think about it...
Amy Farrah Fowler: OK, get out.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Skywalker Incursion (#8.19)" (2015)
Amy Farrah Fowler: Ooh, you just chose champions. It's like we're re-enacting the ancient German practice of trial by combat.
Penny: It's also like when the Mountain fought the Red Viper in Game of Thrones.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Leonard makes you watch that, too?
Penny: No, I like that show. It's got dragons and people doing it.

Amy Farrah Fowler: Can I be in charge of pricing? I've been going to garage sales my whole life. Can you believe I got these pantyhose for a nickel?
Howard Wolowitz: All right, Amy's in charge of pricing and being seventy-five.

Bernadette Rostenkowski: You know, Amy, I was wondering how Sheldon would react if you had a TARDIS in your place.
Howard Wolowitz: Don't listen to her, just hit the ball!
Amy Farrah Fowler: Keep talking.
[Cut to Amy's apartment, where the TARDIS is installed in her bedroom door]
Bernadette Rostenkowski: If this doesn't get him into your bedroom, nothing will!

"The Big Bang Theory: The Military Miniaturization (#10.2)" (2016)
Penny Hofstadter: When Leonard's feeling anxious, I make him take a long walk.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Does that help?
Penny Hofstadter: For a while, then he comes back.

Penny Hofstadter: How did you think you were going to hide your pregnancy?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I had a plan. I kept leaving Dove bar wrappers around to explain any weight gain.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Where did you get empty Dove bar wrappers?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: From all the DOVE BARS I ATE! I'M PREGNANT! Try to keep up!

Penny Hofstadter: I feel so bad; I just lied to her!
Amy Farrah Fowler: But you did it so well; that's amazing. That's like watching a sculptor, but your clay was lies.
Penny Hofstadter: Is that really what's important right now?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Seriously, you have *got* to let me scan your brain when you're being dishonest so I can see what lights up.
Penny Hofstadter: This is super helpful, Amy. Thanks a lot; I can't wait to do that!
Amy Farrah Fowler: See a clump of bitch cells lighting up from here.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Application Deterioration (#9.18)" (2016)
Sheldon Cooper: The revisions I made start on page four.
Penny Hofstadter: Wow, that is a lot of "whereupons".
Amy Farrah Fowler: You should see the Valentine's Day card he gave me.

Raj Koothrappali: [Raj has just refused to see Emily] That was rough, you guys.
Penny Hofstadter: I know, but you did it. I'm so proud of you.
Raj Koothrappali: Anyway, I'll leave you to your girls' night.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Are you sure you don't want to stay here with us?
Raj Koothrappali: No, I kind of feel like being alone right now.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Well, if you change your mind, we'll be here.
Raj Koothrappali: Thank you.
Penny Hofstadter: [as Raj leaves] Say hi to Emily for us.
Raj Koothrappali: Will do!

Sheldon Cooper: Any contract I sign is enforced by my own personal code of ethics.
Amy Farrah Fowler: And his obsessive-compulsive disorder.
Sheldon Cooper: Yeah, that too. And scoot over; part of your shadow's on my spot.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Deception Verification (#7.2)" (2013)
Amy Farrah Fowler: Do you hear anything?
Sheldon Cooper: I hear a woman's voice.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Is it Penny?
Sheldon Cooper: No, it's you.

Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon. Your fight's with Leonard. Penny's got nothing to do...
Sheldon Cooper: Careful Amy. The friend of my enemy's girlfriend is my enemy.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Really?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes. You're either with me or against me.
Amy Farrah Fowler: You want to take the bus to work?
Sheldon Cooper: Maybe there's a third option.

[last lines]
Sheldon Cooper: And then Leonard took me to the barber and the dentist. and then to cap off the perfect day the Las Angeles Bureau of Weights and Measures.
Leonard Hofstadter: I thought the Measures were going to be the stars of the show; turns out it was the Weights.
Penny: I'm so glad you guys are friends again.
Sheldon Cooper: Eh, I'm glad you and I are friends again too.
Penny: Aw.
Sheldon Cooper: Which reminds me, this came in the mail, and I want you to have it.
[he hands her a coupon]
Penny: [reads] "Fifty cents off Vagisil."
Sheldon Cooper: Think of me when you apply it.
Raj Koothrappali: Can I just say: I've missed all of us hanging out together.
Sheldon Cooper, Bernadette Rostenkowski, Howard Wolowitz, Amy Farrah Fowler: Yeah.
Penny: Me too
Leonard Hofstadter: Um, since when can Koothrappali talk in front of the girls without a beer?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Oh, that happened right after you left.
Sheldon Cooper: And no-one told me?
Howard Wolowitz: [starting to weep] Can't believe we forgot to tell him.
Penny: Ahem!
[hands Howard the coupon]
Penny: Think of Sheldon when you apply it.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Recombination Hypothesis (#5.13)" (2012)
Leonard Hofstadter: Penny, do you have plans for dinner tonight?
Penny: Why? Are you guys going somewhere?
Leonard Hofstadter: No, I mean, just you and me.
Penny: You mean like a date?
Leonard Hofstadter: Not "like a date", a date!
Amy Farrah Fowler: Woooooooooo!
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Woooooooooo!

[last lines]
Reverend White: [Penny imagines her wedding to Leonard] Do you, Penny, take Leonard to be your lawfully wedded husband?
[Penny turns around, revealing she's pregnant]
Penny: Well, it's a little late for me to start saying no, isn't it.
[Back to reality]
Amy Farrah Fowler: Penny.
Penny: Sorry. Just remembered, I have *got* to stop by the drug store.

Penny: [enters from closet wearing a low-cut green dress] Too much?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Yes.
Amy Farrah Fowler: [Simultaneously with Bernadette] No.
Penny: Okay, just hang on.
[Goes back into closet]
Amy Farrah Fowler: [to Bernadette] You just can't handle her raw sexuality, can you?

"The Big Bang Theory: The Desperation Emanation (#4.5)" (2010)
[last lines]
[Amy and Sheldon are speaking to Amy's mother over a video computer connection on a laptop]
Mrs. Fowler: It's nice to meet you too, Sheldon. I honestly didn't believe Amy when she told me she had a boyfriend.
Sheldon Cooper: I assure you I am quite real. And I'm having regular intercourse with your daughter.
Mrs. Fowler: [in a surprised tone] What?
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, yes. We're like wild animals in heat. It's a wonder neither of us has been hurt.
Mrs. Fowler: [scared] Amy, what is he saying?
Amy Farrah Fowler: You wanted me to have a boyfriend, mother. Well, here he is.
[Sheldon waves at the computer screen, while Mrs. Fowler nervously waves back]
Amy Farrah Fowler: Have to sign off now. My hunger for Sheldon is stirring in my loins.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh yes. It's time for me to make love to your daughter's vagina.
[Mrs. Fowler makes a little yelp as Sheldon closes the computer top]
Amy Farrah Fowler: Thank you, Sheldon; that went very well.
Sheldon Cooper: Agreed. Amy, I find myself wondering if we should actually engage in coitus at least one time in our relationship.
[Amy stares at him blankly]
Sheldon Cooper: Bazinga.
[looks at his watch]
Sheldon Cooper: Bedtime. Please show yourself out.

Amy Farrah Fowler: I believe a misunderstanding may have occurred when I asked you to meet my mother.
Sheldon Cooper: No misunderstanding. I've learned what that request actually means, and I don't want to be joined to another object by an inclined plane wrapped helically around an axis.
Amy Farrah Fowler: In what way are you screwed?

Amy Farrah Fowler: From a neurobiological standpoint, Leonard, you may be alone because your psychological state is causing an actual pheromone-based *stink* of desperation.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Beta Test Initiation (#5.14)" (2012)
[first lines]
Sheldon Cooper: Hello. I'm Doctor Sheldon Cooper, and welcome to the premiere episode of Sheldon Cooper Presents Fun with Flags. Over the next fifty-two weeks, you and I are going to explore the dynamic world of vexillology.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Hang on, Doctor C, what's vexillology?
Sheldon Cooper: Vexillology is the study of flags.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Cool! I think I just learned something.
Sheldon Cooper: Did you have fun doing it?
Amy Farrah Fowler: I'll say!
Sheldon Cooper: Fun and information are two sides to this video podcast. Not unlike the only two-sided state flag. Oregon.
[holds up flag]
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, look.
[turns flag around]
Sheldon Cooper: Hello, Mister Beaver. In future episodes we'll answer some burning questions. What's the only non-rectangular flag? What animal appears most often on flags? What animal appears second most often on flags? And more.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Sweet!
Sheldon Cooper: Why are you waving a white flag?
Amy Farrah Fowler: I'm surrendering... to fun!

Amy Farrah Fowler: You OK?
Sheldon Cooper: No, I'm a little rattled. But like the flag over Fort Sumter, I'm still here.

Amy Farrah Fowler: For someone who has a machine that can travel anywhere in time and space, Doctor Who sure does have a thing for modern-day London.
Sheldon Cooper: Careful. It's that kinda sass that can get a person uninvited to this year's Who Con.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Leftover Thermalization (#8.18)" (2015)
Bernadette Rostenkowski: [Sheldon and Leonard are arguing during dinner] Hey! Sheldon, Leonard, living room right now!
Sheldon Cooper: [Sheldon and Leonard follow her] She said my name first, that must kill you.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: [yelling from off screen, sounding eerily familiar to everyone] I don't know what you think you're doing, but this is a very difficult time for my husband! We're eating the last food his mother ever made and you are gonna throw it at each other like children? Whatever it is you're fighting about, put it aside, go back in there and be a good friend to Howard or there's no dessert for either of you! Look at me when I'm talking to you! And don't think...
Howard Wolowitz: [Bernadette keeps yelling] Do you guys ever notice sometimes Bernadette sounds like my mom?
Amy Farrah Fowler: I don't hear it.
Raj Koothrappali: No, not at all.
Stuart Bloom: Nah.
Penny: Not really.

Sheldon Cooper: All he had was an idea.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Well, that's an important part.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, please. I have ideas all day long. Reverse Sea World where dolphins are allowed to pet people. A new clothing size between medium and large called marge. Snow White as retold from the point of view of Sneezy. Why won't Doc prescribe him something? We finally find out.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Leonard's idea was good.
Sheldon Cooper: Fine. Then Grumpy. Why is he so grumpy all the time? Maybe his girlfriend won't take his side.

Sheldon Cooper: Was it my fault that I have a bigger reputation than he does?
Amy Farrah Fowler: It's not your fault.
Sheldon Cooper: Is it my fault that my name comes first alphabetically on the title?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Not at all.
Sheldon Cooper: Is it my fault that when they identified me as lead scientist I didn't correct them?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Hey, look at that pretty bird!

"The Big Bang Theory: The Comic Book Store Regeneration (#8.15)" (2015)
[Opening lines]
Sheldon Cooper: I invented a new science joke. Would you like to hear it?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Of course
Sheldon Cooper: How many Edisons does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Amy Farrah Fowler: How many?
Sheldon Cooper: None, because he stole the idea for the lightbulb and doesn't deserve his own joke.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Is that true?
Sheldon Cooper: Of course. That's how you know it's a good joke. It entertains and educates.

Sheldon Cooper: Why didn't you help me out when I was stuck in string theory?
Amy Farrah Fowler: I did. You said the only math biologists know is when they have three frogs and one hops away and you have two frogs.
Sheldon Cooper: That is funny, it does sound like me.

Penny: How's Howard holding up?
Raj Koothrappali: He's hanging in there.
Leonard Hofstadter: How are you doing, Stuart?
Stuart Bloom: Still can't believe she's gone. I mean, that woman took me in. If it wasn't for her, I, I would have been homeless.
Amy Farrah Fowler: One of us would have taken you in.
Stuart Bloom: Yeah, I don't recall any offers. But, you know what, uh, I, I'm glad it worked out the way it did because I got to know this wonderful person.
Raj Koothrappali: Yeah. Mrs. Wolowitz was pretty special. When I first moved to America, Howard was my only friend and she made me feel so welcome in her home. Which says a lot, because, those first few years, she thought I was the gardener.
Penny: Whenever I saw her, she'd say I was too skinny and try and feed me.
Amy Farrah Fowler: She did that to me, too.
Penny: Don't take this away from me.
Sheldon Cooper: I didn't care for her yelling. But now that I'm not going to hear it again, I'm sad.
Leonard Hofstadter: If you want, I can yell at you later.
Sheldon Cooper: It won't be as good.
Leonard Hofstadter: Let's have a toast. To Mrs. Wolowitz. A loving mother to all of us. We'll miss you.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Fish Guts Displacement (#6.10)" (2012)
Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon. This isn't helping. Why don't you just let me get some rest?
Sheldon Cooper: Well, how can you sleep? I'm not done making you feel better. I still have to put a cold rag on your head, sing to you, and apply Vaporub to your chest.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Y-You- You want to rub something on my chest?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes. All over it.
Amy Farrah Fowler: [coughs] Maybe we should start with that.
Sheldon Cooper: Now you're being a responsible patient. Now, you may notice some tingling.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Oh, I'm counting on it.

Amy Farrah Fowler: I think I'm too sick to go to the funeral.
Sheldon Cooper: You're sick? You poor kid. Well, see ya.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon. Aren't you going to take care of me?
Sheldon Cooper: Me? No. No, I'm not that kind of doctor.
Amy Farrah Fowler: But our relationship agreement clearly states that when one of us is sick, the other must take care of them.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh. I see the confusion. No, the intent behind that clause was to force you to take care of me when I'm ill. When you're feeling better, you'll think that's funny.

Sheldon Cooper: I'm going to draw you a soothing bath. Where's your bath thermometer?
Amy Farrah Fowler: I don't have a bath thermometer.
Sheldon Cooper: Fine. Then I'm going to draw you a nerve-wracking bath of indeterminate temperature.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Infestation Hypothesis (#5.2)" (2011)
Sheldon Cooper: [knock knock knock] Amy?
[knock knock knock]
Sheldon Cooper: Amy?
[knock knock knock]
Sheldon Cooper: Amy?
Amy Farrah Fowler: You are aware that your ritualistic knocking behavior is symptomatic of obsessive compulsive disorder?
Sheldon Cooper: Is not! Is not, is not.

Amy Farrah Fowler: Kiss me where I've never been kissed before.
Sheldon Cooper: You mean like Salt Lake City?

"The Big Bang Theory: The Shiny Trinket Maneuver (#5.12)" (2012)
Amy Farrah Fowler: [Sheldon hands Amy a gift bag, as a token of apology; Amy isn't pleased at first] Jewelry? Seriously? Sheldon, you are the most shallow, self-centered person I have ever met. Do you really think that another transparently-manipu...
[her tone and expression transform instantly, as she takes out the gift]
Amy Farrah Fowler: OHHH, IT'S A TIARA! A tiara! I have a tiara! Put it on me! Put it on me! Put it on me! Put it on me! Put it on me! Put it on me! Put it on me!
[she dashes around gleefully]
Penny: [helps her put it on] You... look... beautiful.
[she embraces Sheldon and doesn't let go]
Sheldon Cooper: You're right, a tiara was too much.

Penny: So are we celebrating anything special tonight?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Oh yes! Our relationship agreement specifies that the second Thursday of every month, or the third Thursday in a month with five Thursdays, is date night.
Penny: That is so hot.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Maternal Combustion (#8.23)" (2015)
Amy Farrah Fowler: It's so nice both of your moms are coming in to see you guys get an award.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, my mother's been there for every honor I've won since I beat out my twin sister for the Did It on the Potty trophy.

Amy Farrah Fowler: Sure, his mom gets roses. When I want them, they're a "bouquet of severed plant genitals."
Sheldon Cooper: You act like I didn't get you that mushroom log on Valentine's Day.
Amy Farrah Fowler: He's right. Roses die, but a moist rotting log will pump out mushrooms for two or three magical years.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Anxiety Optimization (#8.13)" (2015)
Penny: So, whichever rep has the best sales for the quarter gets a trip for two to Hawaii.
Amy Farrah Fowler: That would be so romantic for you and Leonard.
Penny: Yeah, clearly you haven't seen him on the beach, walking around with his metal detector.
Amy Farrah Fowler: If I were going to Hawaii, I'd spend all my time at the Keck Observatory. Did you know that the telescopes there have better resolution than the Hubble?
Penny: Really?
Amy Farrah Fowler: [Amy nods]
Penny: [to Bernadette] Wanna go to Hawaii?

Sheldon Cooper: I don't want to tell you how to do your job, but when a mouse completes a test, it gets rewarded with a food pellet.
Amy Farrah Fowler: It also gets its brain plucked out with a tweezer.
Sheldon Cooper: And its last meal is a food pellet? You're a monster.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Intimacy Acceleration (#8.16)" (2015)
Raj Koothrappali: I believe in not tempting fate. That's why I don't pick a fight with an Asian. They might not know karate, but why risk it?
Amy Farrah Fowler: I think you're safe.
Raj Koothrappali: That's what the bullies in Bruce Lee's school said, and bam! - karate.

Raj Koothrappali: Question one: Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
Leonard Hofstadter: Honestly, I would choose Penny.
Raj Koothrappali: Aww.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Then I would chose a janitor, because I'm about to to throw up.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Dependence Transcendence (#10.3)" (2016)
Bert: Could you not say anything about this to the people at the University? You know, 'cause you're you and I'm me, and it's kind of embarrassing.
Penny Hofstadter: What do you mean she's her?
Bert: Well, you know how Amy's the coolest girl on campus, right?
Penny Hofstadter, Amy Farrah Fowler: No!
Bert: Oh, yeah, everybody thinks so.
Penny Hofstadter: What? You tell me about your foot fungus, but this is a secret?
Amy Farrah Fowler: I'm sure it's just 'cause I'm dating Sheldon.
Bert: Hm, actually, I think Sheldon's popular because he's dating *you*.
Penny Hofstadter: Now Sheldon's popular? What is happening?

Bert: It makes sense you two are friends. I mean, hot girls always stick together.
Amy Farrah Fowler: And you thought this wasn't going to be a great party.
Penny Hofstadter: You know, I had no idea Cal Tech is *exactly* like my high school.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Well, it's not *exactly* like it. We're all extremely smart.
Penny Hofstadter: Wow, you popular girls are mean.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Clean Room Infiltration (#8.11)" (2014)
[Opening lines]
Amy Farrah Fowler: How are your parents doing, Raj?
Raj Koothrappali: Not good. They hired attorneys to speak to each other.
Sheldon Cooper: Speaking of attorneys, you know who I wouldn't hire to represent me in court? She-Hulk.
Penny: You almost stayed in topic. Good for you.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Wait, She-Hulk is a lawyer?
Howard Wolowitz: Yeah. She works at a lawfirm in New York.
Sheldon Cooper: And she's the only monster in the firm. Between you, me and the walls, I think she was an affirmative action hire.

Amy Farrah Fowler: I've always wanted to do a traditional Victorian Christmas: parlor games, goose, and figgy pudding...
Sheldon Cooper: Yuck! English pudding! You get yourself all excited for pudding, and here comes a cake with raisins in it. I'm not going.
Amy Farrah Fowler: You're going.
Sheldon Cooper: Why do you hate me?
Amy Farrah Fowler: I don't hate you, I love you.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, you call it "love", but it has a lot of raisins in it.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Champagne Reflection (#8.10)" (2014)
Amy Farrah Fowler: [to Sheldon, who is dressed like Betsy Ross] Well, Betsy Ross. What are you working on?
Sheldon Cooper: [High-pitched voice] I have no idea, because the story of me sewing the first American flag is complete poppycock.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Then who did make the first American flag?
Sheldon Cooper: Don't ask me. I'm just a simple seamstress...
[normal voice]
Sheldon Cooper: ... whose descendants are out to make a quick buck!

Sheldon Cooper: I'd like to thank Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler, who by the way is the first woman to host a flag-related web series.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Take that, glass ceiling.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Cooper/Kripke Inversion (#6.14)" (2013)
Amy Farrah Fowler: The monkey in my tobacco study has taken to smoking a pipe. I'm supposed to remove his brain to examine, but it's hard because now he reminds me of my uncle.

Sheldon Cooper: I read his research, and... it's leaps and bounds ahead of mine. Which means the mommy of the smartest physicist at the university is not my mommy as I had thought. It's his mommy!
[starts crying]
Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon, I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better. May I offer you a consoling hug?
Sheldon Cooper: What do we have to lose?
[Amy hugs him tightly]
Amy Farrah Fowler: How's that?
Sheldon Cooper: I feel like I'm being strangled by a boa constrictor.
[Amy lets go]
Sheldon Cooper: Why'd you stop?
[Amy hugs him again]

"The Big Bang Theory: The Empathy Optimization (#9.13)" (2016)
Amy Farrah Fowler: Hi Sheldon, what's new?
Sheldon Cooper: Our friends are jerks and I'm mad at all of them.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I said "what's new", but sure...

Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon, when you're sick you can be... unbearable. And that's why your friends have been known to work late or sneak out to the movies or stay at a neurobiology conference three days after it's ended.
Sheldon Cooper: You stayed in Michigan all week to avoid being around me?
Amy Farrah Fowler: No! No! Not just that. I mean... Detroit is *beautiful* when it's sleeting.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Property Division Collision (#10.10)" (2016)
Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon, you're, you're being a little selfish. Why don't you let Leonard keep a few things?
Sheldon Cooper: It's not my fault I'm bad at sharing; I skipped kindergarten.

[first lines]
Amy Farrah Fowler: If we're going to be staying in this apartment, would you be interested in doing a little redecorating?
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, actually... I would.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Great! Wh-what did you have in mind?
Sheldon Cooper: Let's take every single thing from the other apartment and put it in here.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Well, how 'bout we start a little smaller, like... moving the furniture around.
Sheldon Cooper: Y'know, I have always felt that this couch would look *fantastic* on the curb in front of the building.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Look, we can't just throw away Penny's stuff, but we can ask if she wants any of it back.
Sheldon Cooper: Know, I wonder how she feels about all this artwork.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Well, I'm sure she misses this one. I mean it's the greatest gift I've ever given anybody.
[they look at the large painting of Amy and Penny]
Sheldon Cooper: It truly does capture the beauty of your friendship with Penny.
Amy Farrah Fowler: It may have appreciated in value. The artist killed himself shortly after painting that.
Sheldon Cooper: Yeah, it seems only right that she have it back.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Can't wait to see the look on her face when I give it to her again.
[Penny looks horrified as they bring the painting to the other apartment]
Sheldon Cooper: Look, it's the same smile she has in the painting!

"The Big Bang Theory: The Higgs Boson Observation (#6.3)" (2012)
Penny: This is an eyelash curler. You put it on your eyelashes and squeeze close.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I don't know. This looks like something used by Tinklebell's gynecologist.
Penny: Well, I hope for her sake it's not Captain Hook.

Amy Farrah Fowler: [Shows Penny a picture of Sheldon in her phone] Look at this face. How can any woman spend eight alone with this face and not fall in love with it?
Penny: Well, for starters, eventually that face starts talking.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Meemaw Materialization (#9.14)" (2016)
Meemaw: If you feel so strongly, I won't stand in your way.
Sheldon Cooper: Thank you.
Amy Farrah Fowler: So if he wanted to give me that engagement ring, we would have your blessing?
Meemaw: I suppose
Sheldon Cooper: [Amy pats Sheldon's shoulder and smiles at him] I just gave you my virginity, woman. Cool your jets!

Amy Farrah Fowler: Look at you, sitting in Sheldon's spot. You know I don't even get to sit there.
Sheldon Cooper: Yes. And you never will.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Birthday Synchronicity (#10.11)" (2016)
Sheldon Cooper: This is for you. I was going to wrap it, but touching Scotch Tape gives me the heebie-jeebies.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I'll put it on the list with peaches and felt.

[last lines]
Amy Farrah Fowler: Wow, that was quite a day.
Sheldon Cooper: It was. Bernadette had her baby; I made it to wizarding world, and now it is time to complete your birthday celebration.
[waves wand]
Sheldon Cooper: Hankius pankius.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I was afraid you'd be too tired.
Sheldon Cooper: Amy, I just saw a magic train, and reported somebody for cutting the line. If that's not foreplay, I don't know what is.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Holographic Excitation (#6.5)" (2012)
Amy Farrah Fowler: Ladies night at the Cheesecake Factory. Does it get any better than this?
Penny: I hope so.
Amy Farrah Fowler: [to Bernadette] Do you think your husband's fondness for turtlenecks because he misses his foreskin?
Penny: Not getting any better.

Amy Farrah Fowler: I'm Raggedy Ann, and he's Raggedy C-3PO.
Sheldon Cooper: We compromised. I lost.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Locomotion Interruption (#8.1)" (2014)
Leonard Hofstadter: Thanks for coming with me. It would have been a lonely six hour drive by myself.
Amy Farrah Fowler: No problem. And I'm not angry at all that my boyfriend was in trouble and called you instead of me. I LOVE that!
Leonard Hofstadter: Gonna be a long six hours.

Sheldon Cooper: You know, Sherlock Holmes liked to use cocaine to sharpen his focus. But I'm sure those Cool Ranch Doritos do the trick.
Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh. Leonard. Oh. I'm so happy to see you.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Are you okay?
Sheldon Cooper: Oh. I'm fine. Why did you come?
Amy Farrah Fowler: What do you mean why did I come? You're my boyfriend. I haven't seen you in over a month. I just drove six hours to help you out. Don't you have anything to say besides, "Why did you come?"
Sheldon Cooper: I do, but... I feel uncomfortable saying it out loud in front of these police officers.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Fine. Whisper it.
Sheldon Cooper: Shotgun!

"The Big Bang Theory: The Friendship Turbulence (#7.17)" (2014)
[First lines]
Amy Farrah Fowler: Raj, your tag is hanging out.
[Adjusts shirt tag]
Raj Koothrappali: Thank you. You know, that was the closest thing to sex I've had in two years.
Amy Farrah Fowler: And now I'm creeped out.
Raj Koothrappali: It only makes it more real for me.

Amy Farrah Fowler: Um, you're supposed to be yourself, not all desperate and creepy.
Raj Koothrappali: Okay, I'm getting some mixed messages here.

"The Big Bang Theory: The 2003 Approximation (#9.4)" (2015)
Sheldon Cooper: I was like the Tin Man, perfectly content until that evil wizard gave him a heart.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I don't think that was the point of the movie.
Sheldon Cooper: Fine! I was like Pinocchio who that jerk Geppetto went and made him a real boy.
Amy Farrah Fowler: There you go.

Bernadette Rostenkowski: Hey, if you're open to living with someone great, I'll give you $1,000 to take Stuart.
Amy Farrah Fowler: You really should have gone on the internet and checked how long that kind of thing lives before you got one.

"The Big Bang Theory: The First Pitch Insufficiency (#8.3)" (2014)
Sheldon Cooper: Did you enjoy my lecture?
Amy Farrah Fowler: No, and neither did our waiter.
Sheldon Cooper: I'm sorry, but if you're going to serve Cornish game hen, you should either know all about the history of Cornwall, or be prepared to learn it. You can't argue with that.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I know, I saw a poor, sad man trying to and failing.

Amy Farrah Fowler: How about this? You stay for the game, I'll buy you some cotton candy and a bobblehead.
Sheldon Cooper: Bobblehead of whom?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Does it matter?
Sheldon Cooper: Not as long as it bobbles.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Launch Acceleration (#5.23)" (2012)
[last lines]
Amy Farrah Fowler: [Amy is in a Star Trek tunic holding a medical tricorder near Sheldon] Hello, Leonard.
Leonard Hofstadter: What are you doing?
Amy Farrah Fowler: We're playing doctor... Star Trek style.
Sheldon Cooper: I'm in hell, Leonard.
Sheldon Cooper: [to Amy] Don't stop.

Sheldon Cooper: I must say, I was surprised you chose to spend our Date Night in your apartment. As I mentioned, the Pasadena City Council is debating longer crosswalk times, and later the Lego store is having a Midnight Madness Sale. You ask anyone, that's a hot date.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Tempting choices but, I have something special planned for tonight.
Sheldon Cooper: What can be more special than having an adequate amount of time to cross the street on your way to buy a tiny Lego Indiana Jones?
Amy Farrah Fowler: With our friends moving forward in their relationships, I have decided that we should make progress in ours as well.
Sheldon Cooper: Dear Lord! Two years ago we didn't even know each other. And now, I'm in your apartment after dark. How much faster can this thing go?
Amy Farrah Fowler: I had a feeling you'd be reluctant which is why I'm going to dip into my neurobiological bag of tricks.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh! You brain monkeys kill me. Dip away.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I've devised an experiment that I believe will increase your feelings for me, in an accelerated time frame.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, how do you propose to do that? I hope you're not thinking about some sort of LSD thought control. Because there's only one mind-expanding drug that this man enjoys, and that's called school.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Human beings form emotional attachments as they grow up. In your case, to your mother, superheroes, etc. I'm going to attempt an experiment that will get you to transfer those feelings to me.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, seems what's on the menu tonight is malarkey, with a big side of poppycock.
Amy Farrah Fowler: We'll see. Let's start with a little romantic dinner music, shall we?
Sheldon Cooper: Super Mario Bros. theme?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Yes.
Sheldon Cooper: I see what you're doing. You're attempting to build on the work of Ebbinghaus by triggering an involuntary memory of me playing that game. Admittedly the happiest 600 hours of my childhood. But it won't work!
Amy Farrah Fowler: Fine! There's no reason we still can't have a lovely dinner. Why don't you have a seat.
[Sheldon hums the background music, while Amy smiles]
Amy Farrah Fowler: May I offer you something to drink?
Sheldon Cooper: You know I don't drink.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Not even strawberry Quik?
Sheldon Cooper: I love strawberry Quik. It's my favorite pink fluid. Narrowly beating out Pepto-Bismol.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Oh, I know. I think it will go nicely with what I have prepared for dinner.
Sheldon Cooper: Spaghetti with little pieces of hot dog cut up in it!
Amy Farrah Fowler: Just like your mommy used to make.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh! Yummy yummy! We should do this more often.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Decoupling Fluctuation (#6.2)" (2012)
[first lines]
Bernadette Rostenkowski: And the next wedding present is... a gravy boat.
Penny: [writing it down] Ooh, one gravy boat.
Amy Farrah Fowler: That's from Sheldon. He told me he had it engraved.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: [Reads engraving] "In case of divorce, please return to Sheldon Cooper."
Penny: One inappropriate yet I-wish-I-thought-of-that gravy boat.

Penny: I've been in love before, but it felt different. Maybe this is a new, better, boring kind of love. Do you ever feel that way about Howard?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: That's not really a fair comparison. I'm basically married to a sexy Buzz Lightyear.
Penny: Amy, you?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Can't help you, kid. Whenever I'm around Sheldon, I feel like my loins are on fire. In the good way, not the urinary tract infection way.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Space Probe Disintegration (#8.12)" (2015)
Penny: We could go horseback riding.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Oh, I can't. My hips can't open any wider than 22 degrees. Once I rode a very thin pony. First jump, popped right off.

Sheldon Cooper: We could go ice skating. The cold aggravates Leonard's allergies, and it plays on my fear of being run over by a zamboni.
Leonard Hofstadter: You're helping them find ways of making us miserable?
Sheldon Cooper: I can't help it, Leonard. I'm a problem solver, it's what I do.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I can't go ice skating. I have unnaturally brittle ankles.
Penny: Is there any part of you that's normal?
[Amy gives Penny a mischievous smile]

"The Big Bang Theory: The Brain Bowl Incubation (#10.8)" (2016)
[first lines]
Sheldon Cooper: How much will it hurt?
Amy Farrah Fowler: It's just a tiny skin sample. You saw my do it to myself.
Sheldon Cooper: On a scale of one to ten, where one is a pebble in your shoe and ten is the monkey you thought was your pet biting your face off.
Amy Farrah Fowler: A two.
Sheldon Cooper: Eating a whole Altoid?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon, if I'm going to synthesize a neural network from our skin cells, I need to harvest them. Now, I've done this dozens of times, but if you're too scared you don't have to.
Sheldon Cooper: No, this is for science. I can be brave for science.

[last lines]
Penny Hofstadter: So, were you turned on even a little bit?
Amy Farrah Fowler: It was like being hit on by Rat-pack Pee-wee Herman.
Leonard Hofstadter: Uh, sorry, is that a yes?
Amy Farrah Fowler: No!
Sheldon Cooper: [Sheldon enters] Amy, I didn't want it to come to this, but you have left me no choice but to employ the most passionate, seductive dance known to man. The flamenco.
[he dances]
Amy Farrah Fowler: For God's sake, you're ridiculous!
[she storms out]
Sheldon Cooper: Well,, you guys are aroused, right?
Amy Farrah Fowler: [ou in the hall Amy is breathless] That was a close one.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Line Substitution Solution (#9.23)" (2016)
Stuart Bloom: [Gets into Amy's car] Hey.
Amy Farrah Fowler: What are you doing here? You're not Sheldon.
Stuart Bloom: I thought that might come up. Sheldon hired me to go shopping with you.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Hold on. He paid you to get out of spending time with me?
Stuart Bloom: No, it's not like that. There's a long line he'd rather stand in.

Bernadette Rostenkowski: [Knock on door] Maybe it's Sheldon here to say he's sorry.
[She opens the door, it's Stuart with a bouquet]
Stuart Bloom: Sheldon says he's sorry.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Bernadette, I'll give you five dollars to slam the door.
Stuart Bloom: [as the door closes] I would've done it for three!

"The Big Bang Theory: The Rothman Disintegration (#5.17)" (2012)
Amy Farrah Fowler: Before I met you, I was a mousy wallflower. But look at me now. I'm like some kind of downtown hipster party girl! With a posse, a boyfriend, and a new lace bra that hooks in the front of all things!

Amy Farrah Fowler: Good night, painting Penny. Good night, real Penny.
Penny: Good night, real Amy.
Amy Farrah Fowler: You don't have to say good night to painting Amy, because she's never leaving.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Good night, real Penny.
Penny: Bye.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Good night, transvestite Penny.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Veracity Elasticity (#10.7)" (2016)
Amy Farrah Fowler: Hi.
Sheldon Cooper: Hello.
Amy Farrah Fowler: What are you doing?
Sheldon Cooper: I'm just contemplating Buridan's donkey.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I understand. I'll leave you be.
Sheldon Cooper: What, you're familiar with the reference?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Of course. Jean Buridan proposed a philosophical thesis stating that a hungry donkey placed between two equidistant bales of hay would be paralyzed by indecision and would starve to death.
Sheldon Cooper: Exactly.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Well, I wouldn't want you to starve to death, so here's an eggplant.
Sheldon Cooper: Thank you.
Amy Farrah Fowler: You know, some people believe that Buridan was plagiarizing Aristotle.
Sheldon Cooper: Really?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Although, in Aristotle's example, he proposed an equally hungry and thirsty man caught between food and drink.
Sheldon Cooper: Huh. Yeah, I wonder if that's related to the 12th century Persian philosopher, Al-Ghazali and his story of a man caught between two dates.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Are you suggesting Al-Ghazali was Aristotelian? 'Cause if anything, he was anti-Aristotelian.
Sheldon Cooper: Al-Ghazali was anti-Aristotelian? Boy, you think you know a guy.

[first lines]
Sheldon Cooper: Hello, I'm Dr. Sheldon Cooper.
Amy Farrah Fowler: And I'm Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler.
Sheldon Cooper: And welcome to the first on location episode of "Dr. Sheldon Cooper and Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler present
Amy Farrah Fowler: Dr. Sheldon Cooper's Fun with Flags".

"The Big Bang Theory: The Skank Reflex Analysis (#5.1)" (2011)
Amy Farrah Fowler: A guest in my trundle bed and a boy at my door? I wish I could tell 13-year-old me, it does get better!

Penny: You heard what I did?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Well, I heard who you did.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Relationship Diremption (#7.20)" (2014)
Amy Farrah Fowler: What did you do?
Penny: I gave him a new look. It's cute, huh?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Yeah, it's cute: that's the problem. I don't need other girls to see him walking around like sex on a stick.
Sheldon Cooper: She's right. I'm too hot.

Sheldon Cooper: I didn't seek out string theory. It just hit me over the head one day.
Amy Farrah Fowler: How does that happen?
Sheldon Cooper: A bully chased me through the school library and he hit me over the head with the biggest book he could find.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Bachelor Party Corrosion (#9.3)" (2015)
Amy Farrah Fowler: In the spirt of the bachelorette party, I baked cookies shaped like male genitals.
Penny Hofstadter: Oh, Amy, you didn't have... Wow! That is anatomical!
Amy Farrah Fowler: Thank you. The veins are blue gummy worms.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Oh, look. Jewish and gentile.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I had some dough left over.

Amy Farrah Fowler: If my mother could see me now, she'd send me to the sin closet.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: That's a joke, right?
Amy Farrah Fowler: The joke was on her. I could still watch TV through the slats.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Russian Rocket Reaction (#5.5)" (2011)
Amy Farrah Fowler: I don't understand. What difference does it make if Leonard goes to Wil Wheaton's party?
Penny: Well. Wil Wheaton is Sheldon's mortal enemy.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Mortal enemy?
Penny: Mhm.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon, I knew you were a bit of a left-handed monkey wrench, but you really have a mortal enemy?
Sheldon Cooper: In fact, I have 61 of them. Would you like to see the list?
Penny: Oh, say no, say no, say no.
Sheldon Cooper: You just got off the list, would you like back on it?

Bernadette Rostenkowski: I had no choice! I had to tell his mother! He can't go to space! He's like a baby bird! Did you know he once got an asthma attack from reading an old library?
Amy Farrah Fowler: You're kidding.
Penny: No, I was there that day. Sheldon threw his back out handing him that book.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Misinterpretation Agitation (#8.7)" (2014)
Amy Farrah Fowler: Bernadette is a successful microbiologist. She should be celebrated for her achievements, not her looks. I mean, what kind of message does that send?
Penny: I think the message is, "Check out the rack on that scientist!"

Bernadette Rostenkowski: They just cancelled the photo shoot and said they were rethinking it
Amy Farrah Fowler: I'm really sorry, I think it's for the best. You want people focussing on your achievements, not staring at your breasts in a magazine.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I guess, it's really not that important.
[Amy stares fixatedly for several seconds at Bernadette's breasts]
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Hey! Up here!
Amy Farrah Fowler: Sorry, we just - were talking about them.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Speckerman Recurrence (#5.11)" (2011)
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I don't think I can meet the girl who was always mean to me, Tammy Bodnick. One time while I was in gym class she stole all my clothes and left an elf costume in my locker. The worst part was, it was too big.
Amy Farrah Fowler: That's nothing. In ninth grade, the girls put Rogaine in my hand lotion. Within six months, the nicknames began to fly. I think the one that hurt the most was Gorilla Fingers Fowler.

Amy Farrah Fowler: What do you say to hiding a recording device in your ample bosom?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I don't want anything in my ample bosom.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Come on strawberries, take one for the team.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Celebration Experimentation (#9.17)" (2016)
[first lines]
Amy Farrah Fowler: [as they walk down the stairs] So, Sheldon, there's something I've been wanting to talk about, but I know it's kind of a touchy subject.
Leonard Hofstadter: Way to narrow it down to everything.
Sheldon Cooper: What is it?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Well, your birthday's coming up, and you've never let us celebrate it, and I was hoping maybe this year we could.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, I suppose that's a discussion we could have.
[he runs back upstairs]
Amy Farrah Fowler: OK, great. I mean, it doesn't have to be a big party or anything. I just...
[she notices he isn't there]
Amy Farrah Fowler: Where'd he go?
Penny Hofstadter: Whoa, wait a minute; you mention his birthday and he vanishes?
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, where's that information been this whole time?

Amy Farrah Fowler: Have to say you do look good in that suit.
Sheldon Cooper: Uh, thank you.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Maybe later I'll, uh, get to see you in your 'birthday suit'.
Sheldon Cooper: This is my birthday suit.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Robotic Manipulation (#4.1)" (2010)
Penny: Your hair smells nice. What fragrance are you using?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Dandruff shampoo. I have a dry scalp.
Penny: Well, your hair looks nice.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Are you a homosexual?
Penny: Um, no. Just paying you a compliment.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I would have been more flattered if you were a homosexual.

Penny: So, um, Amy, Sheldon tells me you're a Neuro... something or other?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Neurobiologist. Your "check engine" light is on.
Penny: Yeah, it's OK.
Amy Farrah Fowler: But the light indicates...
Sheldon Cooper: Don't, bother, I've wasted many an hour tilting at that particular windmill.
Penny: Uh, what is that scent you're wearing? It smells great.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Dandruff Shampoo. I have dry scalp.
Penny: Ah, well your hair looks very nice.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Are you a homosexual?
Penny: No, No, I'm just, giving you a compliment.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Hm. Would have been more flattered if you were a homosexual.
Penny: Guys, how about some music?
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, I wouldn't care for that, Amy?
Amy Farrah Fowler: No, thank you.
Penny: OK. Uncomfortable silence it is. Hey, Sheldon, have you told Amy what it was like for you growing up in Texas?
Sheldon Cooper: No.
Penny: Well, why don't you tell her?
Sheldon Cooper: Alright. It was hell.
Penny: Any follow up Amy?
Amy Farrah Fowler: No.
Penny: I, myself, grew up in Nebraska. Small town, outside of Omaha. Yeah, a nice place, mostly family farms, a few meth labs.
Sheldon Cooper: I'm sorry, how is this better than uncomfortable silence?
Penny: I don't know, I was just trying something.
Sheldon Cooper: Muggles.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Focus Attenuation (#8.5)" (2014)
Amy Farrah Fowler: [while tipsy, to Bernadette] Scientist to scientist, how big are those Hadron Colliders?

Penny: I'm going downstairs and fill up on margaritas until I vomit all over the roulette wheel and watch it go everywhere.
Amy Farrah Fowler: What if we don't want to vomit?
Penny: You have to vomit. That's why they give you the bucket.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Table Polarization (#7.16)" (2014)
Sheldon Cooper: Amy? Amy? Amy? I'll get right to the point. I think we need to end this relationship - so just sign this with your finger and please don't cry on my iPad because I don't get Apple Care.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I'm not surprised you want to end the relationship. I'm just a little surprised you didn't get Apple Care. Anyway, enjoy your life. Where do I sign?
Sheldon Cooper: At the bottom. I must say I'm relieved you're not making more of a scene out of this.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Oh, I've already moved on. Besides the breakup has nothing to do with me.
Sheldon Cooper: What. It doesn't?
Amy Farrah Fowler: OF course not. This is just Leonard trying to take the focus off that dreadful table by sowing discord in our relationship. He's manipulating you like he always does.
Sheldon Cooper: Wait. Wait. Now hang on. You think he's manipulating me?
Amy Farrah Fowler: All the time. And he knew that as your girlfriend, I wasn't gonna to stand by and let him bring a table into your apartment. I mean a table? Come on.
Sheldon Cooper: It is hideous.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Well, thankfully, I won't have to see it 'cause I won't be your girlfriend anymore.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Amy Farah Fowler. Why yes, I would like to take a survey.
Sheldon Cooper: Wait. You were really gonna stand by me against the dining room table?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Of course I was.
Sheldon Cooper: Yeah, wait. I do I know you're not manipulating me right now?
Amy Farrah Fowler: I would think that if I'm manipulating you, you'd be smart enough to see it.
Sheldon Cooper: How do I know you're not saying that as part of the manipulation?
Amy Farrah Fowler: I think you're smart enough to see that too.
Sheldon Cooper: Okay. I'm sorry i gave you such a hard time. I just had to be sure.
[Amy turns away and smiles]

Leonard Hofstadter: This spot that no one else can sit in only exists because despite your objections I bought this couch. Me. So explain why that change is bad and this change was good.
Sheldon Cooper: Um.
Amy Farrah Fowler: You don't need to explain yourself to him.
Sheldon Cooper: I don't need to explain myself to you.
Amy Farrah Fowler: You're sick of his nonsense and ready to move in with me.
Sheldon Cooper: Keep the table. We don't use that space.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Damn it, I got cocky.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Geology Elevation (#10.9)" (2016)
Amy Farrah Fowler: [Leonard helps a limping Sheldon into the apartment] What happened?
Sheldon Cooper: I tried to let go of anger and threw a rock into my foot.
Leonard Hofstadter: [with a tissue hanging out of his nose] Then he got more angry and kicked the rock with his other foot.
Penny: And what happened to you?
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, I laughed so hard I burst a blood vessel in my nose. It's fine.

Amy Farrah Fowler: I can't believe you headbutted a water fountain.
Sheldon Cooper: No. I went to punch the water fountain, slipped in water in front of the water fountain, and hit my head on the water fountain.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Zarnecki Incursion (#4.19)" (2011)
Amy Farrah Fowler: Four women walk down the stairs. How many reach the lobby?

Penny: Want some coffee liqueur on your ice cream?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Aah, here's the alcohol and drug peer pressure mother warned me about. I was starting to think it was never going to happen.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Yes, please.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Hesitation Ramification (#7.12)" (2014)
Amy Farrah Fowler: It's nice that we all get to eat together.
[the guys mumble in agreement]
Amy Farrah Fowler: Can we maybe put the phones down and have an actual human conversation?
Sheldon Cooper: We can, but thanks to Steve Jobs we don't have to.
Penny: Guys, guys. You're never going to believe this.
Leonard Hofstadter: What happened?
Penny: I just got a job on a TV show.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Congratulations.
Leonard Hofstadter: That's great. Guys!
[Guys mumble acknowledgement]
Howard Wolowitz: What's the show?
Penny: NCII or you know NCSC. I don't know. It's the one with all the letters and I'm going to be on it.
Leonard Hofstadter: That's amazing.
Howard Wolowitz: What's your part?
Penny: I play a customer in a diner and I flirt with Mark Harmon.
Raj Koothrappali: Ooooh. Mark Harmon. He's a dreamboat.
Leonard Hofstadter: So it's just flirting.
Penny: Yea, why?
Leonard Hofstadter: No reason. I just think it's sexier when left to the imagination.
Penny: Oh.
Amy Farrah Fowler: He's wrong.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Friendship Contraction (#5.15)" (2012)
Amy Farrah Fowler: I'm sorry, Sheldon. I'm busy. I'm right in the middle of my addiction study. I've got a lab full of alcoholic monkeys, and tomorrow's the day we switch them to O'Douls.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Stag Convergence (#5.22)" (2012)
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Do you know, for a while in Poland, my family and his family were neighbors?
Penny: Oh, that's cool.
Amy Farrah Fowler: No, it's not. I'll explain it to you later.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Rhinitis Revelation (#5.6)" (2011)
Amy Farrah Fowler: [after Sheldon coughs] You getting sick?
Sheldon Cooper: No. I'm just allergic to people that get Nobel Prizes for no good reason.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon, is it possible that your foul mood, or to use the clinical term: bitchiness, is because your mother isn't making you a priority?
Sheldon Cooper: No. Or to use the clinical term: Nuh-uh.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Sales Call Sublimation (#9.12)" (2016)
[first lines]
Sheldon Cooper: I'm glad to see you made it safely. How's your hotel?
Amy Farrah Fowler: [via computer] It's not the best Best Western I've been to, but let's say it's... the third best Best Western I've been to.
Sheldon Cooper: I know how you feel. The Best Buy by my house is only the third best Best Buy. They have the best buys, but having the best buys isn't the only thing that makes a Best Buy the best Best Buy.
Amy Farrah Fowler: What makes a best Best Buy the best Best Buy?
Sheldon Cooper: Hmm, that's a great question. I like when they're next to a Chipotle.
Amy Farrah Fowler: OK; well, I should unpack.
Sheldon Cooper: All right. Enjoy the neurobiology conference.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I will. I... wish you were here.
Sheldon Cooper: At a neurobiology confere- what a mean thing to say!
Amy Farrah Fowler: OK, I'm glad you're *not* here?
Sheldon Cooper: Aw, you always know just what to say after I tell you what to say.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Good-bye, Sheldon
Sheldon Cooper: Bye.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Itchy Brain Simulation (#7.8)" (2013)
Leonard Hofstadter: Why isn't this bothering you? Isn't your brain getting itchy? This is on your card. This could be ruining your credit score. Why isn't this making you crazy?
Sheldon Cooper: Leonard. I have something to tell you, but I want you to promise not to flip out.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, what?
Sheldon Cooper: Seven years ago I found out the DVD was late and I paid for it.
Leonard Hofstadter: What?
Sheldon Cooper: I was going to mention it at the time, but then I thought someday this might be a teachable moment.
Leonard Hofstadter: Ahhh! I... You... Ah... WHAT?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon, that was diabolical.
Sheldon Cooper: I know. And it wasn't easy. Do you have any idea what it's like to wait for years and never know if your going to finally get satisfaction?
[Amy just stares]

"The Big Bang Theory: The Discovery Dissipation (#7.10)" (2013)
[last lines]
Penny: You know if we did a shot every time they said something embarrassing, this would be one hell of a drinking game.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Little early for alcohol, isn't it?
Sheldon Cooper: [On the radio] You know, I don't just say smart things about science, I also yodel.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I'll get the vodka.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Bon Voyage Reaction (#6.24)" (2013)
Amy Farrah Fowler: So after I started dating Sheldon, I met Leonard and then everybody else and they've all been so wonderful to me.
Lucy: That's really nice to hear.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Maybe next week we could all get together.
Raj Koothrappali: Lucy, you don't have to answer that. Don't put her on the spot; She hates that. Am I right? Tell her that you hate being put on the spot. Go ahead. Tell her.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Ignore him. He's a little nervous because he doesn't think I understand the severity of your social anxiety.
Raj Koothrappali: Quit it. Are you crazy? You can't talk about social anxiety to someone who has social anxiety. It makes them socially anxious.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Excuse me, but I'm a neurobiologist. I think I'm a little more qualified than you to understand what's not working in your girlfriend's brain.
Raj Koothrappali: Don't call her my girlfriend. We haven't discussed whether I'm with girlfriend or boyfriend yet. Now that it's out there... are you my girlfriend? By the way if you say no, I'll never be happy again. Not to put you on the spot.
Lucy: I think I have to go to the bathroom.
[She leaves]
Raj Koothrappali: [to Amy] You might as well start now. She's not coming back anytime soon.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Thespian Catalyst (#4.14)" (2011)
Amy Farrah Fowler: [after multiple failed attempts to cheer up Sheldon] Well, that was the last arrow in my quiver of whimsy.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Allowance Evaporation (#10.16)" (2017)
Amy Farrah Fowler: [after Sheldon invites Bert to join them for dinner] Sheldon, that was so sweet of you.
Sheldon Cooper: I could deduce by his facial expression and body language that he was sad.
Amy Farrah Fowler: So the part where he got stood up didn't clue you in?

"The Big Bang Theory: The Perspiration Implementation (#9.5)" (2015)
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Stuart took that rejection like a pro.
Penny Hofstadter: Well, he knew he was on the breast cam.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I don't have much practice turning men down. It wasn't so much fun.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Oh, you get used to it. Some guys you have to turn down over and over.
Penny Hofstadter: And sometimes we marry them anyway.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Benefactor Factor (#4.15)" (2011)
[Amy is trying to convince Sheldon to attend a fund raiser, which he has skipped because he feels it's demeaning]
Amy Farrah Fowler: If your friends are unconvincing, this year's donations might go to, say, the Geology Department.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, dear! Not the dirt people!
Amy Farrah Fowler: Or worse. It could go to: the liberal arts.
Sheldon Cooper: No!
Amy Farrah Fowler: Millions of dollars being showered on poets, literary theorists, and students of gender studies.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, the Humanities!

"The Big Bang Theory: The Romance Recalibration (#10.13)" (2017)
[last lines]
Sheldon Cooper: If you find this draft acceptable, then I belieeeve your new relationship agreement is ready to be signed.
Penny Hofstadter: Article 8, subsection B: Leonard will restrict video-gaming in underpants to hours Penny is not home. This includes boxers, briefs thongs, g-strings or anything else that calls attention to his pasty little thighs.
Leonard Hofstadter: Does it really need to say that?
Sheldon Cooper: I did this for free; lemme get a little something.
Leonard Hofstadter: Article 10, subsection C: If questioned Penny may not say that everything is fine if it isn't. Other unacceptable responses include "It's nothing", "Don't worry about it" and "I said it's nothing; don't worry about it."
Leonard Hofstadter: I think this all looks good.
Leonard Hofstadter: Me too.
Sheldon Cooper: Uh, well, great then. Here. You sign here, date here, and, Penny, if you could initial here to indicate that you're accepting Leonard in 'as is' condition.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I remember signing our first relationship agreement.
Sheldon Cooper: You seem to be forgetting the 'no nostalgia' clause.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Quite right; got it.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Lunar Excitation (#3.23)" (2010)
[last lines]
Sheldon Cooper: In a few minutes when I gloat over the failure of this enterprise, how would you prefer I do it? The standard "I told you so" with the classic neener-neener, or just my normal look of haughty derision?
[makes a face]
Raj Koothrappali: You don't know we're wrong yet.
Sheldon Cooper: Haughty derision it is.
[makes the same face again]
Amy Farrah Fowler: Excuse me. I'm Amy Farrah Fowler, you're Sheldon Cooper.
Sheldon Cooper: Hello, Amy Farrah Fowler. I'm sorry to inform you that you have been taken in by unsupportable mathematics designed to prey on the gullible and the lonely. Additionally, I'm being blackmailed with a hidden dirty sock.
Amy Farrah Fowler: If that was slang, I'm unfamiliar with it. If it was literal, I share your aversion to soiled hosiery. In any case, I'm here because my mother and I have agreed that I will date at least once a year.
Sheldon Cooper: Interesting. My mother and I have the same agreement about church.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I don't object to the concept of a deity, but I'm baffled by the notion of one that takes attendance.
Sheldon Cooper: Well then, you might want to avoid East Texas.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Noted. Now before this goes any further, you should know that all forms of physical contact, up to and including coitus, are off the table.
Sheldon Cooper: May I buy you a beverage?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Tepid water, please.
[Sheldon and Amy walk over to the counter]
Howard Wolowitz: [to Raj] Good God, what have we done?

"The Big Bang Theory: The Positive Negative Reaction (#9.16)" (2016)
Penny Hofstadter: [Penny's phone dings] Oh, it's Leonard. He says Sheldon's drunk and they're going to do karaoke if we want to join them.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: That sounds fun.
Amy Farrah Fowler: [Amy's phone dings] Oh no. Sheldon's drunk texting me.
Penny Hofstadter: What's it say?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Would you like to sing karaoke with us.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: How's that a drunk text?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Well, he used a period instead of a question mark; he's so wasted.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Roommate Transmogrification (#4.24)" (2011)
Sheldon Cooper: I must say, Amy, I was very impressed to see that Bernadette got her Ph.D.
Amy Farrah Fowler: It's indeed admirable. Although it is microbiology.
Sheldon Cooper: Your doctorate is in neurobiology. I fail to see the distinction.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I'll make it simple for you. I study the brain, the organ responsible for Beethoven's "Fifth Symphony." Bernadette studies yeast, the organism responsible for Michelob Light.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Gorilla Dissolution (#7.23)" (2014)
Sheldon Cooper: I know let's go see the new Spiderman movie.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon, we're talking about your friend's mother. She got hurt.
Sheldon Cooper: I thought that subject had run its course so I changed it. It's called reading the room, Amy.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Egg Salad Equivalency (#6.12)" (2013)
Amy Farrah Fowler: I got a lab full of cocaine-addicted monkeys with nothing to lose. She might find one in the back of my car. Or in her shower.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Troll Manifestation (#8.14)" (2015)
Amy Farrah Fowler: I remember when I had no friends. I miss those days.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Emotion Detection Automation (#10.14)" (2017)
[last lines]
Penny Hofstadter: So, did you wind up sending that machine back?
Sheldon Cooper: I did .Uh, I'm not even sure how accurate it was. I took it to the trains store; it said everyone was sad.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I finally got Halley to sleep.
Penny Hofstadter: You know, I just read a study that suggests new mothers are better at sensing emotions for up to two years.
Amy Farrah Fowler: It's true. Pregnancy causes physiological changes in the brain that result in increased empathy.
Penny Hofstadter: Oh, so all we need to do is get Sheldon knocked up.
Leonard Hofstadter: Can't. He was already fixed when I found him at the shelter.
Sheldon Cooper: Hey, uh, Bernadette, let's test this theory. What do you think I'm feeling right now?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Let's .see. You're better than us, a little bit sorry for us, but mostly glad you don't have to be us.
Sheldon Cooper: [to Howard] Keep filling this one with babies; she's good.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Countdown Reflection (#5.24)" (2012)
Raj Koothrappali: Howard and Bernadette, the five of us stand before you as your friends and newly ordained ministers.
Mrs. Wolowitz: LOUDER!
Bernadette Rostenkowski: They all got ordained. They're all marrying us. It's adorable. If you want to hear it, come closer.
Raj Koothrappali: Guys. When I look at the two of you starting your lives together it fills... my heart... it fills my heart. Forget it, I need a minute.
Penny: Okay, I'll, I'll go. Howard and Bernadette. I know you two planned on getting married in a big fancy wedding, but when you're in love in doesn't matter where or how these things happen. It just matters that you have each other.
Leonard Hofstadter: Hmm.
Penny: Problem?
Leonard Hofstadter: No.
Sheldon Cooper: I think the Revered Hofstader is making an ironic connection between your statement about love and your rejection of his proposal in the bedroom.
Penny: Oh, grow up.
Leonard Hofstadter: I didn't say it.
Amy Farrah Fowler: That's enough from the both of you.
Penny: Well, he started it.
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, I'm ending it. Bernadette, I want to thank you for allowing me to be your maid of honor. I also want you to know that I will be happy to do it again if this marriage craps out.
Leonard Hofstadter: Thank you, Amy. Very touching. Howard and Bernadette. You are lucky enough to be best friends who love each other and that's the strongest kind of love because at its core it has kindness, patience, and respect. Qualities that are hard to find in people these days.
Sheldon Cooper: Would you like some aloe vera? You just got burned. All right, my turn. Howard. Bernadette.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Sheldon! I told you no Klingon!
Sheldon Cooper: Fine, I'll do it in English. But it loses something. The need to find another human being has to share one's life with has always puzzled me. Maybe because I am so interesting all by myself. With that being said, may *you* find as much happiness with each other as I find on my own. The Klingon would have made you cry.
Raj Koothrappali: I believe you two have prepared vows.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Howard Joel Wolowitz, like you this is going to be short and sweet. I love you with all my heart and soul and promise to be with you forever.
Howard Wolowitz: Bernadette Maryann Rostenkowski.
Mrs. Wolowitz: SPEAK UP!
Sheldon Cooper: From now on she's the only woman whho can yell at me! Until I met you I couldn't imagine spending my life with just one person. And now, I can't imagine spending one day of it without you.
Raj Koothrappali, Penny, Leonard Hofstadter, Sheldon Cooper, Amy Farrah Fowler: By the power vested in us by the state of California...
[Sheldon only]
Raj Koothrappali, Penny, Leonard Hofstadter, Sheldon Cooper, Amy Farrah Fowler: and the Klingon High Council... we now pronounce you husband and wife.