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Biography for
Patchy the Pirate (Character)
from "SpongeBob SquarePants" (1999)

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Warning! This character biography may contain plot spoilers.

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Patchy started as a lowly cabin boy at age 13 aboard the S.S. Haymaker. He quickly worked his way up to lookout on the crow's nest and would eventually become Captain. Patchy was saved by his private stock of lemons when the entire crew was ravaged by scurvy and dysentery. The ship would eventually crash into some rogue rocks, killing all aboard except for young Patchy who lost an eye in the wreckage to a horrific splintering incident. He was 25 at this point. This left him stranded on a desert island with nothing but a single coconut tree and whatever mangled remains washed ashore. He was forced to sever his hand, cook it over a blazing fire, and devour it, to avoid starvation, in the moonlight. He would later do the same to one of his legs, figuring he ought to have at least one of each for symmetrical reasons.

It was on this island where he met his parter in life Polly the parrot. When Polly washed up on the island he had an opium addiction like you wouldn't believe, his wings were soggy with the salt water, and he couldn't remember how to fly. Patchy began to contemplate whether to cook and eat Polly, as the bird would be an excellent source of protein. Patchy chose not to do so and instead to nurse poor destroyed Polly back to health. Over the course of about 6 months, Patchy and Polly were able to bond. When Polly decided that he had enough of his strength back, he carried Patchy back to the main land... Encino that is.

Over the years Patchy and Polly have developed an "odd-couple" sort of situation and are loving every minute of it. Patchy often receives fan-mail from his devout followers. He is also the proud president of the "Spongebob Squarepants Fan Club".

In recent years he became disillusioned with the way of the Sponge and resigned as president from the club. After his nasty separation from the fan club, he started to form an organization where he and his true followers could find inner peace and truth. Disgusted by Patchy's new found ideologies, Polly left him, leaving for the life he once lived on the open water. Little to nothing is known about Polly's current whereabouts; some presume he has overdosed on a combination of opium and angel dust. He never could truly trump the addiction.

After Polly left him, Patchy started on a downward spiral of drugs, sex, and rock and roll. He was known to drink a bottle of Jack Daniels a day as well as smoke 6 crack rocks a week (excluding sunday for obvious reasons). There were several incidents of deranged fans breaking into his small, humble apartment in East L.A. trying to assassinate him for leaving the "cause".

The last known place before he fell off the grid was at a small bar in Sacramento, California where he said to the bartender "This life ain't for me no more." The bartender took it with a grain of salt, but Patchy was never seen officially since that day.

There have been numerous "Patchy Sightings" all over the West Coast, usually at Del Tacos-- a place he frequented in his prime, during the early 2000's.

Page last updated by kyates-yates, 2 years ago
Top Contributors: terrilynn9496, kyates-yates