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: [teaching April and Andy how to do laundry
] OK! You always separate your lights from your darks. April Ludgate
: That's racist.
: Were you frying marbles? Andy Dwyer
: We were testing to see if the smoke detector worked. April Ludgate
: It doesn't.
: Look, I got some documents over at Entertainment 720 that seem really complicated and I thought maybe you could take a look at them because nerd stuff probably really excites you, because you're a nerd. Ben Wyatt
] No, of course, yeah. I'll just put on my Star Wars pajamas and sit in my mom's basement and pour over some spreadsheets. It sounds great. What do you got? Tom Haverford
: Something called break even analysis tables. Ben Wyatt
: Oh break evens? Those are really fun! Yeah sure I'll take a look.
: [to Ben
] Who are you? Tom Haverford
: This is Ben. He's here to help us with the paperwork. Jean-Ralphio
: Ben is that your real name? Ben Wyatt
: Yes... Jean-Ralphio
: Oh you could do better than that. I'm gonna help you out right now, your name is Angelo. Angelo thank you so much for coming out. Get a thicker tie, it looks weird on you. It makes your head look like a fish. Secondly, I don't know where the paperwork is, but when you find it can you take care of it for us? We don't have any pens 'cause we're afraid it's gonna leak on our shirts. Well actually I hate the name Angelo I'm gonna switch it up for you right now. Your new nickname is
: Jell-o shot. What do you think about that J-shot? Any questions?
[Ben is sitting in the living room when a three legged dog walks in
] Ben Wyatt
: Hi. April Ludgate
: Champion? Andy Dwyer
: Champion, oh there you are. We thought we lost you. Ben Wyatt
: That is a three legged dog. Andy Dwyer
: Yeah, his name is Champion. Because he is the world dog champion. Ben Wyatt
: I'm sorry. I have to ask this, but how many legs did that dog have when you found him? Andy Dwyer
: Three! That's what makes him the best. He can do more with three legs than most dogs can do with four. April Ludgate
: Except for digging. He's really bad at digging.
: Codenames: Mine is "Eagle 1." Ann is "Been there, done that". April is "Currently doing that." Donna is "It happened once in a dream." Chris is "If I had to pick a dude." Ben is "Eagle 2." Ben Wyatt
: Oh, thank God.
: Look, Hogwarts. Ben Wyatt
: No, that's Buckingham Palace. Hogwarts is fictional. You do know that, don't you? It's important to me that you know that.
: We're still going to assassinate him, right? Ben Wyatt
: Don't say that.
: Idaho cut their parks department by 80 percent. And Idaho is basically one giant park.
: Can you turn the radio off? This is our song. Ben Wyatt
: Your song is "Dancing on the Ceiling" by Lionel Richie?
[Turns to Ron
] Ben Wyatt
: Oh! Wow, look at that. You shaved off part of your mustache. That' slovely. Ron Swanson
: I didn't shave it off. It rubbed off. From friction.
: Come on, you don't really think the whole town believes in curses. Leslie Knope
: No, we're all rational human beings who believe that we're in charge of our own destinies. Please, Ben.
: Ok, I know this text you sent me was a lie and Michael Stipe is not actually here, correct? Tom Haverford
: Correct, that was a lie. Ben Wyatt
: Yeah, no, I knew it was. I just couldn't live with myself if it had been true. Tom Haverford
: And that's why I sent it.
: They sent me a bunch of toy pigs dressed like movie stars. That's my private hobby. No one knows I collect toy pigs dressed like movie stars, except now all of you people. Ben Wyatt
: Which one is that?
[Ben points to stuffed pig in Pearl's hand
: This is actually Ham-uel L. Jackson from the movie, Pork Fiction, it's extremely rare, and I am keeping it. But still, they have no right to give me something I will treasure the rest of my life.
: If you rearrange the letters of Peru you can spell Europe. Ben Wyatt
: That's... that's not true. Andy Dwyer
: Well, you have to rearrange them.
: I need you to know something, man to man. I still have feelings for Leslie, in a womanly fashion and I believe she feels the same towards me, in a manly way. Ben Wyatt
: She doesn't feel the same way because she has a boyfriend. Umm me. And... and... and we love each other. Dave Sanderson
: That's not... that information... it's not pertinent at this juncture. I just said to you one thing and you're contritering me. Ben Wyatt
: I don't think that's a word.
: Can you be civil? Leslie Knope
: I am civil. He's the stupid garbage head doo-doo face. Ben Wyatt
: That's perfect.
: Drink up, Tom. I'm gonna go powder my nose... amongst other things. If you know what I mean.
[Joan gets up from the table and trips
] Ben Wyatt
: Is she gonna powder her vagina? Tom Haverford
: You gotta help me, man! Ben Wyatt
: Why? It seems to be going the usual amount of gross. Tom Haverford
: No, this is way different! She's not married anymore! She had like five bottles of alcohol and she's calling me "Caramel"! You've gotta throw some cold water on the situation. Start talking about nerd stuff! Ben Wyatt
: You know, "nerd culture" is mainstream now. So, when you use the word "nerd" derogatorily, it means you're the one that's out of the zeitgeist. Tom Haverford
: Yes, that's perfect. Just like that: be incredibly boring.