Lana Kane
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Quotes for
Lana Kane (Character)
from "Archer" (2009)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"Archer: Three to Tango (#6.2)" (2015)
Slater: [points to door with thumb] I'm gonna go.
Sterling Archer: [walking in with Lana and baby Abbiejean] Good. Why are you here in the first place?
Malory Archer: Mr. Slater...
Slater: Just "Slater"! And hang on.
[to Archer]
Slater: Excuse me, are you and I gonna have a problem?
Sterling Archer: [pouring a drink] I mean, I'm sure we will at some point, but...
Malory Archer: Sterling, Mr...
Slater: [firmly] *Just* "Slater".
Malory Archer: has...
Slater: Had...
Malory Archer: [appeasingly] an important assignment for us, which I'm sure we can... kick right through the basket for
[makes "touchdown" gesture]
Malory Archer: a home run.
Slater: [pointing to door] I'm gonna go.
Lana Kane: [stops him, speaking softly] Look, you're already here.
[runs a finger down his chest]
Lana Kane: Why not just tell us what the mission is?
Slater: I will, but only because I choose to. One of our... well, I guess you can call him a freelancer...
Sterling Archer: What do you call him?
Slater: I call him a freelancer. So shut up, please. Anyway, he needs an extraction from
[in Latin American accent]
Slater: Buenos Aires.
Sterling Archer: Ugh, it's just us. You can say, "Buaynos Air-eez."
Lana Kane: And-
[aside to Archer]
Lana Kane: hush.
[back to Slater]
Lana Kane: And what operation is the CIA operating in Argentina?
Slater: Oh, sorry. It's called "Operation Nunya"?
Lana Kane: I...
Slater: As in "Beeswax", Lana.
Lana Kane: Yes, I...
Sterling Archer: [muffled into his hands] Dr. Kane, report to the burn unit.
Lana Kane: Tooo help a patient who's been burned?
Sterling Archer: [muffled] No.
Slater: Anyway
[sighs]
Slater: his cover's been blown. Argentine Intelligence is onto him and he needs an extraction A.S.A.G.D.M.F.P.

[discovering their mission is to extract Conway Stern from Argentina]
Sterling Archer: Yeah, can I start? You guys mind if I start? I'll start. Are you out of your shitting mind?
Malory Archer: [simultaneously] Sterling!
Slater: [simultaneously] Excuse me?
Sterling Archer: He literally stabbed me in the back!
Slater: Because you jeopardized his mission.
Lana Kane: What mission? To sell classified military technology to the Chinese?
Slater: *Phony* technology we *wanted* China to have. They've been chasing their tails on the whisper drive for years.
Lana Kane: Oh.
Sterling Archer: "Oh"?
Malory Archer: I knew it. In my heart of hearts, I knew he was one of good guys.
Sterling Archer: Literally! The back! Stabbed it!
Slater: Well, but then you people ripped off his hands, so...
Sterling Archer: After he literally stabbed me! In the back!
Malory Archer: Oh, give it a rest, Sterling. I'm sure you did something to deserve it.
Sterling Archer: What-?
Malory Archer: But now you have a chance to right that wrong, which is a rare thing.
Slater: About as rare as getting called up to the majors from single-A ball, which is...
Lana Kane: Hey!
Malory Archer: Lana! I'm sure that was a sports analogy meant to be cutting, but we will take the mission, won't we, Sterling?
Sterling Archer: Huh? Yeah. Oh, sorry. I- It's just, I-I'm worried my entire life I've been misusing the word "literally"!
[smashed intercom beeps]
Cheryl Tunt: [distorted] And certaintly *over*using.

Sterling Archer: You're not worried?
Lana Kane: Why should I worry? Because I'm the one that ripped off Conway's hand?
Sterling Archer: No, about...
Lana Kane: Or that he'll double-cross us again?
Sterling Archer: Which, a blow-job says he does. And Mother and Slater and the CIA are idiots for trusting him. But I'm talking about us flying on the same plane, Lana. What if it crashed?
Lana Kane: Then I wouldn't have had to watch you pound twenty drinks and then try to talk the stewardess into a handjob.
Sterling Archer: Wh-where are you getting "twenty drinks"?
Lana Kane: Uh, from ten doubles.
Sterling Archer: "A", those were mini-bottles; and two, I'm talking about A.J., Lana. Who's going to take care of her if something happens to both of us.
[Lana is about to say something, then stops]
Malory Archer: Well, me, obviously.
Cyril Figgis: You think- Okay, wow. You think, in the event of their deaths, that you would be A.J.'s legal guardian.
Malory Archer: Who else would they possibly choose?
Ray Gillette: You've met yourself, right?
Ray Gillette: [lights cigarette] If it's anybody around here, it's me.
Cyril Figgis: Of course. The one who smokes next to the baby.
Ray Gillette: Dukes!
[Ray takes a long draw from his cigarette]
Cyril Figgis: Ray!
[Ray holds up a finger, continues to draw until the cigarette is almost entirely ash, then drops the whole thing into Cyril's coffee]
Cyril Figgis: You know...
[Ray exhales the smoke into Cyril's face, causing him to cough]
Malory Archer: [batting away the smoke] All right, Virginia Slim. You're...
[she looks into the pram, a startled expression frozen on her face]
Malory Archer: [quickly] Nap time! I have a meeting. Good-bye.

Sterling Archer: [being choked by a laughing Conway Stern] How do you still have two hands?
[Stern tears at Conway's left hand, revealing bionics]
Sterling Archer: You cyborg son-of-a-bitch.
[Lana hits Conway over the head with the teapot she's been making tea with while humming to the tango tune playing throughout their fight. The music stops]
Lana Kane: You're out... of sugar.
[Conway groans]
Sterling Archer: [hoarsely] Oh good. You're making tea. 'Cause I could use some with honey and lemon. And bourbon. But actually, without the honey and lemon. And the tea.
Lana Kane: So just bourbon.
Sterling Archer: But I doubt if the...
Conway Stern: Aah.
Sterling Archer: [normal voice] Oh, shut up. Don't ruin it. I had something for...
Conway Stern: Puke Skywalker? Mm.
Sterling Archer: God damn it! Anyway, I doubt the robot has any bourbon, and I'm not really in the mood for a WD-40 and Coke. Unless that is, literally, the only thing to drink.

Conway Stern: Ugh. I think I might be concussed. "Hell hath no fury," huh?
Lana Kane: Meaning?
Conway Stern: "As a woman scorned," Lana. Remember? I kinda scorned you last time we met?
Lana Kane: [chuckling] Yeah, you are definitely concussed.
Sterling Archer: Not to mention a Decepticon! Where the hell did you get a bionic hand?
Conway Stern: Uh...
Doctor Krieger: [flashback] So, what's new? How you been?
Conway Stern: Shhharper Image?
Lana Kane: Uh-huh. Sounds more like Krieger.
Sterling Archer: Jesus Christ! Will he not rest until we've all been enslaved by Skynet?
Lana Kane: Hey, we are leaving in five, so...
Sterling Archer: Just as soon as I enjoy this here Vermante and Kanya smoothie with a WD-40 float.
[drinks some from a straw, coughs]
Sterling Archer: Ugh, although "enjoy" is maybe a bit strong.

Lana Kane: Hey! Enough, you two!
Sterling Archer, Conway Stern: Tell him that!
Lana Kane: Pretty sure I just did.

Guard: Ay! Coronel!
Sterling Archer: Um, okay.
Guard: Su carat, Coronel, por favor.
Sterling Archer: Uh, bueno. Conmigo estan el Presidente de Brasil. Y su...
[Archer opens the back window]
Sterling Archer: esposa grande.
Guard: [sighs] Por supuesto, Coronel Cal... Espere. Lando?
Guard: [with suspicion, reaching for his holster] Calrissiano?
Sterling Archer: So, here's the thing with that.
[Guard pulls his gun, but tranquilizer dart hits him in the neck]
Guard: [holding tranq gun] Boring conversation anyway.
Lana Kane: God damn it, Archer!
Sterling Archer: That's Coronel Calrissiano to you!
[Archer floors the gas, smashing through the arm and racing into the parking structure]
Conway Stern: Archer!
Lana Kane: Don't drive angry!
[Archer slams on the brakes amongst more guards]
Lana Kane: What the hell are you doing?
Sterling Archer: I'm Archer-izing this plan!
Lana Kane: What? No, no! Unh-uh. You cannot make yourself a verb! I will not allow it.
Sterling Archer: [laughing] I'm a verb now, Lana. Deal with it!
[Archer gets out of the car, then ducks back in]
Sterling Archer: And then, also, cover me, please.

Lana Kane: Because, you jackass, to recap: you locked us in the stupid limo!
Sterling Archer: Well, I still don't see why that means I'm the one that has to carry Pyle.
Conway Stern: Well, then slice out his retinas, okay?
Sterling Archer: I can't. It would kill Lou-Ann.

Lana Kane: Wait. You already knew the code?
Sterling Archer: Of course he did, he's a cyborg. It was probably Gaius Baltar's...
[Conway Stern shoots Archer in the back five times. Literally]
Lana Kane: Archer? You double-crossing son-of-a-bitch!
Sterling Archer: [out of breath] Cahh- called it.
Conway Stern: Well, yeah. Come on. We all saw this comin'. Now, drop 'em.
[Lana drops her two guns]
Sterling Archer: I-I was gonna say, "zip code," guys.

Lana Kane: And what are you doing in the window?
Conway Stern: [a la Chuck D] Base!
Conway Stern: [normal voice] Jumping.
[laughs]
Conway Stern: This is a parachute.

Sterling Archer: [with a southern accent] Ma, they got ol' Lando this time.
Sterling Archer: [coughs up some blood] I'm done for.
Lana Kane: Archer, shut up. You're gonna be okay.
Sterling Archer: You really think so?
[sound of a vehicle approaching]
Lana Kane: I mean, maybe.
[a hearse drifts a corner and races up to them]
Lana Kane: Although that can't bode well.

Sterling Archer: So, about this blowjob.
Lana Kane: Shut up.

Slater: [laughing] Come on. We're not going to put a couple of untested rookies in the starting line-up of game seven of the World...
[Lana closes the partition, cutting Slater off]
Sterling Archer: Seriously, okay, as I was saying...
Lana Kane: [yelling] God damn it, Archer! I'm not giving you a blowjob!
Sterling Archer: Not that. A.J. If something happens to us...
Lana Kane: I really don't think that this is the time to talk about that.
Sterling Archer: When then?
Sterling Archer: [coughs] Why don't you want to talk about it, Lana?
Lana Kane: [sighs] Because I'm afraid it'll hurt your feelings.

[last lines]
Sterling Archer: You have a sister?
Lana Kane: [groans] Yes, Archer, I have a sister.
[pause]
Sterling Archer: She younger?
[pause, then Lana pushes the head wrap that she's been holding against Archer's wounds against him harder]


"Archer: Placebo Effect (#2.9)" (2011)
Lana Kane: Because I don't want it in my car!
Sterling Archer: Well what do you want me to do, Lana?
[Archer holds up a used airsickness bag]
Sterling Archer: Just throw it out the window?
Lana Kane: Obviously!
Sterling Archer: Oh.
[Archer throws the bag out the car window, striking a pedestrian]
Pedestrian: Ahhhhh!
Sterling Archer: Ha, ha!

Sterling Archer: Well, all of my hair fell out.
Lana Kane: I'm sorry.
Sterling Archer: Me, too. It was my fifth best feature.

Lana Kane: Because, between the cancer and the chemo and the just shit-tons of weed...
Sterling Archer: Ooh, actually, yeah, good idea. Let's hang back a second and burn one down.

Lana Kane: WHAT?
Sterling Archer: Well, first of all, you don't have to yell, Lana. I don't have ear cancer. And second, until I find out where Delaney is, please stop shooting people.

Sterling Archer: Oh, man. What have I been doing?
Lana Kane: Chain smoking joints the size of tampons.
Sterling Archer: Ewwww.
Lana Kane: Figure of speech.
Sterling Archer: Still, though. Ewwww.

Malory Archer: Sterling, no, you're not well. What are you going to do?
Sterling Archer: Cry havoc and let slip the hogs of war.
Lana Kane: Dogs... of war.
Sterling Archer: Whatever farm animal of war, Lana! Shut up!

Sterling Archer: Wow, what a pussy! I could barely even keep up, he was spilling the beans so fast.
Lana Kane: Well, you threatened to shove a knife up his dick-hole. Which, again, ick!
Sterling Archer: Well, excuse me, Lana. It's a rampage.

Lana Kane: You good?
[Archer takes several fast, deep breaths]
Sterling Archer: RAMPAAAAAAAAAGE!
[he dashes out of the car, but trips over his IV stand and falls]
Lana Kane: Ugh...
Sterling Archer: Little help?

Sterling Archer: Seriously, these potato-heads have to be the unsexiest mob of all time.
Paddy: You know who yer messin' with, boyo? You have any idea who our boss is?
Sterling Archer: Nope, but a hundred people surveyed, number one answer's on the board.
[he cocks his shotgun and aims it at Paddy's kneecap]
Sterling Archer: Name the douchebag who's in charge.
Paddy: Vincent... Van Gofuckyourself.
Sterling Archer: Hmm. Vincent Van Gofuckmyself. Survey says?
[he shoots Paddy's kneecap]
Lana Kane: Jesus! Archer!
Sterling Archer: What, Lana? I said it was a rampage!
Lana Kane: Still, though!
Paddy: [screaming in pain] Oh, you son of a whore!
Sterling Archer: [in a mocking Irish accent] Save it for the fast money round, Paddy.
[he turns to the second mobster]
Sterling Archer: Hundred people surveyed, number one answer's still on the board. Name the douchebag who's in charge!
[no response]
Sterling Archer: Err-err! Need an answer!
[the mobster spits in his face]
Sterling Archer: Hmm. Cock-flavored spit. Well, you never know what's gonna be on the board. Let me see cock-flavored spit!
[he shoots the second mobster's kneecap; Archer reloads as the mobster screams in pain]
Sterling Archer: Guys, that's two strikes. One more wrong answer, and the innocent Honduran janitors get a chance to steal the bank!
[he turns to the bound and gagged janitors]
Sterling Archer: I'm just assuming you guys don't know what actually goes on here, I hope that doesn't sound racist.
[he turns to Mikey]
Sterling Archer: Okay, kid...
Lana Kane: He IS a kid, Archer, so...
Sterling Archer: Lana, you're in the isolation booth! Lookin' for the douchebag who's...
Paddy: Mikey Hannity, you say one word and I'll cut yer yellow heart out...
Sterling Archer: Err-err!
[he shoots Paddy dead]
Mikey: OH, CHRIST!
Sterling Archer: Mikey... you gotta listen to me. I have breast cancer.
Mobster: Ha-ha, breast cancer!
[with an annoyed look on his face, Archer shoots the second mobster dead]
Sterling Archer: So you'll forgive my impatience, because I and a lot of other people have been trying to fight cancer with your boss' fake chemo drugs.
Mikey: Chemo? They just told me it was cream for male pattern baldness!
Sterling Archer: Do I look like I need bald guy cream? Mikey, I can barely get a comb through this. It's so thick, my barber charges me double. I love my hair. As I'm sure you love your kneecap.
Mikey: Franny Delaney! He runs everything out here in Brooklyn! Numbers, protection, dope, prostitution!
Sterling Archer: Victimless crimes, Mikey. Tell me about the counterfeit chemo drugs.
Mikey: They make the pharmacists buy the real stuff! Delaney sells it to - I swear I don't know who, but they switch it with the fake stuff here! And those pricks do all the packin'!
[Archer turns to the janitors]
Sterling Archer: Wh - you guys are in on this? And I was worried about sounding racist!
Lana Kane: [sarcastically] Were ya?


"Archer: Skytanic (#1.7)" (2010)
[last lines]
Agent Lana Kane: OK then. What did you want to talk about?
Cyril Figgis: Um, well, uh, a lot of stuff really.
[there is a loud explosion]
Cyril Figgis: Starting with the fact that we just bombed Ireland.
Agent Lana Kane: Um, pretty sure that's Wales.

Sterling Archer: Lana... Lana... Lana... LLAANNAA!
Agent Lana Kane: WHAT?
Sterling Archer: ...Danger Zone!

Sterling Archer: There's your bomber.
Malory Archer: Who?
Agent Lana Kane: What?
Sterling Archer: That guy. Beardsely McTurbanhead.
Malory Archer: You idiot. That's Sandu Singh, the billionaire investor. He's a sikh.
Sterling Archer: Oh, so if he's not a Muslim he just gets a pass?

Agent Lana Kane: [On cell phone] So, what would you say if I told you that your mother made a phony bomb threat just to get a free ride on a blimp?
Sterling Archer: I'd say that's fairly classic her.

Ray Gillette: Lana? Hey, girl, are you there?
Agent Lana Kane: [On a video link] Yeah, I'm... Hey, can you see me?
Ray Gillette: I see your knock-off Fiacci drawers.
Agent Lana Kane: Ha, ha. You are such a bitch.

Sterling Archer: Lana. Lana? Lana! LANA!
Lana Kane: What?
Sterling Archer: Danger zone!

Ray Gillette: What's going on?
Lana Kane: The timer sped up!
Ray Gillette: What? Did you cut the green one?
Sterling Archer: Yes. Roger. Steven. Whoever!
Ray Gillette: What were the last two letters?
Sterling Archer: B as in butthole!
Lana Kane: Ray, what do we do here?
Sterling Archer: And M and in mancy.
Ray Gillette: What?
Lana Kane: M as in what?
Sterling Archer: Mancy. What did you think I said?
Ray Gillette: Nancy! You idiot!
Lana Kane: Ray, tell me what to do!
Ray Gillette: So, do ya'll have parachutes?
Lana Kane: No!
Ray Gillette: Well that would be, you know, problem solved.
Lana Kane: Ray!
Ray Gillette: I don't know. Push it off with your big-ass hands! Good luck, honey.

Capt. Lammers: We don't normally drink on the bridge.
Sterling Archer: Well I don't normally fly on the Hindenberg 2.0!
Lana Kane: And Cyril doesn't normally storm off without kissing me goodbye!
Sterling Archer: So we're all out of our comfort zone.
Malory Archer: Not me! My stateroom is gorgeous.

Agent Lana Kane: Can you just get out of the way?
Sterling Archer: What? Are you going to shoot me again?
Agent Lana Kane: Yes!
Sterling Archer: Well then hang on.
[He moves out of her way]
Agent Lana Kane: Cyril's already freaked out enough about us sharing this shoebox without you air drying your unkempt bush!
Sterling Archer: Unkempt bush?
[Someone knocks at the door]
Sterling Archer: Ha, you're one to talk!
Agent Lana Kane: Huh! My vulva is smoother than a veal cutlet
[opens the door and sees Cyril]
Agent Lana Kane: with terrible timing.


"Archer: Pipeline Fever (#2.4)" (2011)
Lana Kane: Sorry!
Sterling Archer: Whooooo!
Lana Kane: It really is an emergency!
Sterling Archer: Of an awesome and ass-kicking nature!

Sterling Archer: Seriously, Lana. This must be what it's like to have sex with me.
Lana Kane: How could an air boat be selfish?

Lana Kane: Morphine! Dahh, I don't need... ahhh...
Sterling Archer: Yeah?
Lana Kane: Yeah. That actually feels waaaaay better.
Sterling Archer: Good. Then get up. You're sitting on the beer.

Sterling Archer: Burt Reynolds is my spirit guide.
Lana Kane: Did you say man-crush?
Sterling Archer: No. I'm pretty sure it was "shut up".

Lana Kane: Shoot it, Archer! Shoot it!
Sterling Archer: Oh, so now it's OK? What happened to your fragile eco-system?
Lana Kane: Screw the damn eco-system! Shoot!
Sterling Archer: You are such a hypocrite! I'll bet you probably eat veal.

Lana Kane: Oh, you are shitting me! How did you shoot the boat?

Sterling Archer: No, no, by all means, let me do this Lana. You just sit there like the African Queen.
Lana Kane: The African Queen was the boat.
Sterling Archer: No it wasn't. It was Audrey...
Lana Kane: Katherine.
Sterling Archer: Whichever Hepburn, she was the queen.
Lana Kane: ...of Africa?
Sterling Archer: Yeah.
Lana Kane: The white Queen of Africa?
Sterling Archer: Yeah. Back then Hollywood was pretty weird about the whole race thing. Like Amos and Andy were white. A white guy played Charlie Chan.
Lana Kane: Archer...
Sterling Archer: I'm pretty sure Tonto was a Jew.

Sterling Archer: Burt Reynolds is my spiritual guide.
Lana Kane: I'm sorry, did you say "mancrush"?
Sterling Archer: I'm pretty sure I said "shut up"!


"Archer: Job Offer (#1.9)" (2010)
[first lines]
Sterling Archer: [driving a Mini] Because this is what was there Lana.
Agent Lana Kane: Where? Outside a clown college?

Agent Lana Kane: I blew jack shit!
Sterling Archer: Name dropper.

Agent Lana Kane: I am sick of you getting the best assignments just because your mother's the boss! Do you know how that feels?
Sterling Archer: Besides awesome?

Agent Lana Kane: Baby, I AM putting you in the corner!

Agent Lana Kane: [Sarcastically] OK, yes, I'm jealous.
Sterling Archer: First step's admitting it.
Agent Lana Kane: Jealous that ODIN's going to beat us again...
Sterling Archer: ODIN?
Agent Lana Kane: ...thanks to your epic poon-houndery!

Agent Lana Kane: We've got about two minutes before some ODIN dick sees this and seals the exits.
Sterling Archer: Uhhh, any way we can bump that to five? I, I seriously need a shower.
Agent Lana Kane: Archer!
Sterling Archer: Okay, God! Climb down off that rag.

Sterling Archer: Let's Talk this out.
Agent Lana Kane: Talk what out? How you ruined my chance to work for ODIN? Or, ooooh, maybe how I just caught my boyfriend balls deep in some French chick.
Sterling Archer: Ex-Boyfriend I bet.
Agent Lana Kane: Ya think?
Sterling Archer: Yeah. He's not coming back. That chick was like, the Pelé of anal.


"Archer: Mole Hunt (#1.1)" (2009)
Sterling Archer: No, no, no! Do not wind her up, that is a big gun and she is baby crazy.
Agent Lana Kane: [shouts] Baby crazy!
Sterling Archer: That's why I dumped her.
Agent Lana Kane: You little, you sack of shit, I dumped you because you're dragging around a 35 year old umbilical cord.
Sterling Archer: See! All you talk about it baby shit! Because you're baby crazy!.

Sterling Archer: No, I've seen that movie and - spoiler alert - it ends with a closet full of my suits on fire.
Agent Lana Kane: I wish you'd been wearing one.
Sterling Archer: Who would want to wear an on-fire suit?
Agent Lana Kane: Cos play enthusiasts.

Sterling Archer: Looks like we've got a Mexican standoff, kremensky.
Krenshaw: How is this a Mexican standoff?
Agent Lana Kane: Dumbass.
Krenshaw: I don't care if you shoot her.
Cyril Figgis: I do.
Krenshaw: But what if I shoot her, mama's boy?
Malory Archer: Sterling.
Krenshaw: Yes, picture her dead in the gutter...
Malory Archer: Sterling!
Krenshaw: ...and what your pathetic life will be like without old mommy dearest.
Agent Lana Kane: Jesus Christ!
Malory Archer: What?
Cyril Figgis: What is it?
Agent Lana Kane: He's got an erection!
Malory Archer: What?
Krenshaw: What the hell is wrong with you people?
[pushes Malory away, and gets shot]
Sterling Archer: Nothing. You on the other hand-
[Malory hits him with her purse]
Sterling Archer: ow! OW!
Malory Archer: An erection?
Sterling Archer: Hey! What's in there - Buckles?
Malory Archer: The thought of me dead give you an erection?
Sterling Archer: No, just half of one. The other half would have really missed you. I mean, not... ugh.
[Malory sighs]
Sterling Archer: Johnny bench called.

Sterling Archer: Uh, apology accepted, ass-douche.
[Cyril: Hey]
Agent Lana Kane: [Holds a gun to Archer] Call him that again.
Sterling Archer: Make me!
Agent Lana Kane: What?
Sterling Archer: What?

Sterling Archer: [while carrying a box of donuts] Lana! Hey, I know I'm supposed to be up my own ass right now but...
Agent Lana Kane: [She knocks the donuts out of his hands, all of which fall to the ground] Hmmph.
Sterling Archer: Oh, is that what you want?
Agent Lana Kane: Yup...
Sterling Archer: Because that's how you get ants.
Agent Lana Kane: [sarcastically] Yay!

Sterling Archer: Oh, is that what you want?
Lana Kane: Yup!
Sterling Archer: Because that's how you get ants!

Cyril Figgis: But it's Stir-Friday!
Lana Kane: Hooray.


"Archer: Lo Scandalo (#3.8)" (2012)
Malory Archer: Because that's...
Lana Kane: Silvio Mascalzone, the prime minister of Italy?
Sterling Archer: Prime minister? I thought Italy used a king.
Lana Kane: What? No, they don't "use" a king!

Sterling Archer: I'll probably never be able to eat again without thinking about spaghetti and meatballs! Oh god... I could eat!
Malory Archer: What?
Lana Kane: What?
Sterling Archer: Well not necessarily sphagetti and meatballs, but not necessarily not spaghetti and meatballs either. I mean man I really want some spaghetti and meatballs. I mean if I don't get some spaghetti and meatballs I could literally die.

Malory Archer: Is Krieger hard at work?
Sterling Archer: Yes mother, literally.
Lana Kane: Ew.

Doctor Krieger: Oh I'm just busy disseminating the patient.
Cheryl Tunt: EW!
Pam Poovey: That's not what you think it means.
Lana Kane: Still pretty gross though.

Lana Kane: Screw you Archer! Sullen wench?
Sterling Archer: Come on Lana, relax. I had to make it look good!
Lana Kane: You had to make it look good?
Sterling Archer: And also annoy you.
Lana Kane: Walther PPK. Chamber 32 ACP. What's the capacity?
Sterling Archer: 8 rounds?
Lana Kane: Plus one in the chamber for a total of nine.
Sterling Archer: OK thanks Rain Man, your point?
Lana Kane: Malory's clip was empty but she claims she only fired three rounds.
Sterling Archer: Whoa, wait a minute, you're saying mother lured Mascalzone up to her apartment, squeezed him into a six foot man rubber, calls us, then pulls a gun on him? That would be a crock of shit because that would mean she called the cops on herself.
Lana Kane: Knowing they would not come back after they searched the apartment which was full of people and spotless.
Sterling Archer: Oh my god! Do the math Rain Man! The wall was shot three times, and Mascalzone was shot five. For a total of - wait for it - 8.
Lana Kane: Plus the one in her arm.
Sterling Archer: [laughs] So wait a minute? Mother shot herself? Oh my god! Which would mean that mother has been banging this guy once a week for the last 35 years and the whole time she's been holding a grudge! Holy shit - she killed him.
Lana Kane: And got us to dispose of the body.
Sterling Archer: But why?
Lana Kane: Who knows? It's Malory. You really want to know why she killed a guy?
Malory Archer: [flashback - Malory removes her trenchcoat] Honey, you still got it!
Sterling Archer: So much of this I never want to know the answer to. By the way do you want to go for a slice?
[thinks about it]
Sterling Archer: God what is with me and Italian lately?

Pam Poovey: What are you doing? From the left, dear. One serves from the left.
Cheryl Tunt: Whatever has gotten into you, Calpernia?
Lana Kane: My mistake, ma'am.
Sterling Archer: Well, I should say it is, Calpernia! Mother, your maid is.
[pause]
Sterling Archer: Oh, hello!


"Archer: El Contador (#3.5)" (2012)
Malory Archer: But the reward is a million dollars!
Lana Kane: Exactly, and how many drug users would be cured with that money?
Malory Archer: Well who cares?
Lana Kane: Seriously?
Sterling Archer: Well you can't give them the money, they'll just go buy a million dollars worth of crack.
Lana Kane: [getting annoyed] You don't give them the money.
Sterling Archer: You can't. They'll blow it on crack.

Sterling Archer: [trapped in a jail with Lana surrounded by exotic animals] The tiger says...
[tiger roars]
Sterling Archer: The tiger also says you owe me $1,000!
Lana Kane: No I don't!
Sterling Archer: The welcher says...

Sterling Archer: Relax Lana, Cyril is going to be fine.
[hears a large jungle cat roar]
Sterling Archer: Unless a tiger ate him.
Lana Kane: Tigers don't live in South America.
Sterling Archer: Well at least one does because I just heard its' spine tingling roar.
Lana Kane: That was a jaguar, dumbass.
Sterling Archer: Thanks Marlon Perkins, I think I know a TIGER when I hear one!

Lana Kane: Go ahead and say it.
Sterling Archer: What?
Lana Kane: How since we're gonna die in the morning that we should both have sex with each other.
Sterling Archer: Well after seeing a tiger get murdered, Lana, I'm not really in the mood. Well if you wanted to, I could watch while you masturbate, but I'm gonna tell you, my heart is not in it, my heart is with that poor tiger's family. But go ahead, I mean, start.

Malory Archer: [on the phone] What? Yes I heard what you said! I can't believe the head of the DEA has the balls to say it! Oh is that a fact? Oh it is!
[hangs up]
Sterling Archer: So how did that go?
Malory Archer: Oh fine. He was just explaining to me how Isis won't be collecting the bounty on Calzado.
Lana Kane: What are you talking about?
Malory Archer: Because apparently there's no proof that we didn't.
Lana Kane: [angry] But we literally handed Calzado to him!
Malory Archer: And in return did they hand you a signed receipt?
Sterling Archer: No... oh shit.
Malory Archer: Well done, because that's exactly the brand of unparalleled professional excellence I've come to expect at Isis.
Pam Poovey: [running naked by Malory's office] NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! They'll never take me alive.
Malory Archer: What was I saying? Oh yeah, unparalleled professional...
Doctor Krieger: [following Pam with a tranquilizer gun] Oh for the love of god! Seal the exits!
Malory Archer: Professional...
Cheryl Tunt: [sitting naked with Ray on his wheelchair] That's our pee, and that's the last I better hear about it, because this stupid building is a tinderbox, and I'm going to burn it to the ground.
Malory Archer: ...Excellence...
Sterling Archer: Oh speaking of excellence, did you hear we met a tiger? But... he... got... murdered.


"Archer: The Rock (#1.8)" (2010)
[last lines]
Sterling Archer: No! Not Deliverance.
[chuckles]
Sterling Archer: In Gator.
Agent Lana Kane: [disgusted] Oh.
Sterling Archer: Right.
[pause]
Sterling Archer: How can you not see that?

Agent Lana Kane: Where's the hobbit guy?
Sterling Archer: Whoa, a hobbit works here now? Jesus, Lana, they're called little people now.
Agent Lana Kane: No, he's not *a* hobbit. He's a hobbit *enthusiast.*
Sterling Archer: [wierded out] Oh.
Agent Lana Kane: Yeah, I know, but he knows how to work all the computers and satellites and shit.

Lana Kane: ...and so basically we are totally unprepared for this mission.
Sterling Archer: Unless it involves night shoveling.

Lana Kane: What's their beef?
Malory Archer: Oh, the same entitled crap as always. "I can't make ends meet. I'm on food stamps. My child died because I couldn't afford new bone marrow." Just, me, me, me, me, me.
Lana Kane: Jesus, whose kid died?
Malory Archer: Oh, who remembers?

Sterling Archer: Frickin' ODIN. I can't believe this.
Lana Kane: How many are there?
Sterling Archer: About a bajillion.
Lana Kane: Damn it!
Sterling Archer: Bajillion gay little copycats.
Lana Kane: What?
Sterling Archer: I didn't invent the turtleneck, Lana, but I was the first to recognize its potential as a tactical garment! The tactical turtleneck, Lana.
Lana Kane: Archer.
Sterling Archer: The tactilneck!


"Archer: Movie Star (#2.7)" (2011)
Sterling Archer: You're just doing this to spite me.
Lana Kane: And?

Rona Thorne: You just have to find the right guy who's not intimidated by your power.
Lana Kane: Or my twin Tec-9's.
Rona Thorne: Or those big steam shovelly scoops you call hands.

Lana Kane: You really think I'm sexy and empowered?
Rona Thorne: Oh my god, you're like a brown Boudica.

Lana Kane: Well, if your aunt had balls she'd be your uncle.

Lana Kane: At least this time you fired downrange.
Rona Thorne: And oh my God, seriously, I am so really super sorry about that.
Brett Buckley: Totally my fault.
Rona Thorne: Please go buy a new suit at Bergdorf's and send the bill to my manager.
Brett Buckley: I will take you up on that. Right after I go to the hospital.
Rona Thorne: Oh my God if I, like, possessed the capacity to be embarrassed.


"Archer: The Holdout (#6.1)" (2015)
Malory Archer: To wit, once again you're off on one of your usual self-pitying benders.
Sterling Archer: It's not a usual one, Mother. In case you forgot, I was forced into becoming a parent against my will.
[Archer's room is a mess: empty drink containers, food containers, and clothes strewn around the room, frames hanging askew on the wall along with splatter stains and hand prints; a golf cart and a complete bunch of bananas just inside the door; and a baby muntjac]
Malory Archer: [scoffs] Join the club. But for god's sake, six weeks is long enough.
[muntjac barks]
Sterling Archer: Really? It's been six weeks?
Malory Archer: Yes, so sober up and get some penicillin shots, because...
Lana Kane: Is that Archer?
Sterling Archer: Is that Lana?
Lana Kane: [simultaneously] Let me talk to him.
Sterling Archer: [simultaneously] Let me talk to her.
[Malory holds the phone away from Lana]
Lana Kane: [loudly so the phone could pick her up] So, why'd you run away when you were so excited about being a father when A.J. was born? Did reality set in?
Sterling Archer: I- Wait, was that rhetorical?
Sterling Archer: [feeding the muntjac a banana] Because the next time you decide to use somebody's sperm to impregnate yourself, then maybe *that* decision should *include that other somebody*!
[muntjac barks, leaps away, and crashes into something]
Lana Kane: Who? "That other somebody" who runs away at the thought of responsibility and, as we speak, is up to his eyeballs in cobra whiskey and ladyboy hookers?
Sterling Archer: [laughs] Oh, that is- that is...
[Archer notices he's about to take a swig from the bottle of said cobra whiskey]
Sterling Archer: You don't know me!
Lana Kane: Ha!
[twittering laughter is heard coming from the bathroom]

Malory Archer: [sobbing] Oh, I just wanted it to be all white!
Cyril Figgis: Jeezy Petes, this drawer squeaks exactly like the old one did!
Lana Kane: And is this... is this Brett's blood?
Cheryl Tunt: Ugh, no, just the same type. We had to fudge it a little on the stains. Some of which actually were fudge!
Pam Poovey: And some of which merely resembled it.
[Malory sobs anew]
Ray Gillette: But *why* would you *do* this?
[Cheryl snickers and holds her arms down and forward toward Malory, as if saying, "Obviously, for this!"]

Pam Poovey: [stopping at the janitor's closet] I'll catch up. I gotta run in here real quick and grab some urinal cakes.
Cyril Figgis: Why the hell do you need urinal cakes.
Pam Poovey: For my shower at home.
Lana Kane: Gross.
Ray Gillette: Oh, gross.
Cyril Figgis: Oh, Lord.
[Pam goes in, walks to the industrial sink, looks left and right, then leans forward to look into the soap dispenser. The soap reservoir retracts and drops, revealing a retinal scanner. "RS#: 934-TXS / ID: shiro kabocha STATUS: UNLOCKED". The back wall retracts upward, the other side of which is made to look like a Japanese paper wall]
Pam Poovey: Mrs. Archer looked like a mule kicked her in the face.
[Behind the wall is a Japanese-style hot spring spa, plete with bonsai trees, lanterns, and Krieger enjoying it holding two tokkuri of saké]
Pam Poovey: How's the water?
Doctor Krieger: Sweet baby James, it is perfect, um... uh...
Pam Poovey, Doctor Krieger: Pam.
Doctor Krieger: Yes, of course, I know you're...
[Pam drops her skirt, then discards her top, completely nude save for her earrings]
Pam Poovey: So I gained the weight back! Sue me!
Doctor Krieger: No, I was...
Pam Poovey: Look, my therapist says everybody's got a hole that needs to be filled. Some people fill it with drugs, some fill it with work, some fill it with between-meal snacks and liquor and their therapist's cock.
Doctor Krieger: Um, I was actually looking at your pubic hair.
Pam Poovey: Oh, yeah. It's a lightning bolt, but I guess the letters could use a touch-up. It's supposed to say "TCB". "Takin' Care of Beave-ness".
Doctor Krieger: [she gets in the water, he hands her a tokkuri] Super. Kampai.
Sterling Archer, Kintaru Sato: Kampai.

Malory Archer: [pours herself a drink] Well yes, but you can hardly blame Archer for being upset, I mean...
Malory Archer, Lana Kane: [sniffs] Ugh, even the ice is the same! That hint of bleach. Anyway, you didn't ask if you could use his...
Malory Archer: [winces] goop.
Lana Kane: What? Malory, the whole thing about me using his "goop" was *your* idea!
Malory Archer: [hand on hip] Prove it.
[Lana lets out a huge gasp of surprise]
Malory Archer: So now let's talk about this name, Abbiejean. Don't you think she'd be better off if she were a... Malory?

[Abbiejean cries]
Malory Archer: [to Abbiejean] Oh, shut up.
Sterling Archer, Lana Kane: [to Malory] Hey!
Lana Kane: I'm not jealous about the mission. I'm upset because no one knew where you were. And if, huge if, you're gonna be involved, oh my god, in any sort of parental role for Abbiejean...
Sterling Archer: No, yeah, I- and I, ya know, I want to. But are we married to "Abbiejean", or...?
Malory Archer: Believe me, I tried.
Lana Kane: Zip it, Gee-baw!
Malory Archer: [gasps] No! I will not be called Gee-baw! It's Grandmother Archer or nothing!
Lana Kane: Then hush.
Lana Kane: [to Archer] Because we, you and I, are gonna have to establish some ground rules.
Sterling Archer: Lana, they're just gonna get broken.
Lana Kane: [weary sigh] I am now going to feed our child. If you'd like to talk while I do so, follow me.
Sterling Archer: I would! I would love to talk, Lana.
Sterling Archer: [drinks] Just don't wanna listen.
[drinks again as Lana sighs wearily again and wheels out baby Abbiejean]


"Archer: El Secuestro (#2.10)" (2011)
Lana Kane: And right next door is that?
Cheryl: Yes...
Lana Kane: 'gasp' That's the Roosevelt mansion!
Cheryl: Total shitbox. They're weird.

Lana Kane: I am literally wet with jealousy.

Lana Kane: Kinda curious. Why do you even work at ISIS?
Cheryl Tunt: Why do you?
Lana Kane: Ha! Because I'm not worth a billion dollars.
Cheryl Tunt: Yeah, me neither. I have to split it with my stupid brother, Cecil.
Malory Archer: And how much will you be splitting?
Cheryl Tunt: It actually is a billion dollars.
Lana Kane: I am literally wet with jealousy.

Malory Archer: Well now this is just a disaster!
Brett Buckley: Yeah, ya think?
Malory Archer: Not you, Mr. Blood Mobile!
Sterling Archer: [laughing] He got shot again.
Malory Archer: Cyril was insisting we try to get the kidnappers to release Pam.
Lana Kane: Weren't you gonna do that anyway?
Malory Archer: If it came up. And will somebody answer the damn phone for once in their life?
Sterling Archer: Looking your way, Brett.
Brett Buckley: Hello?
Sterling Archer: Was that so hard?
Brett Buckley: Yes? Yeah, one sec. Kidnappers!
Lana Kane: Okay, keep them on the line.
Sterling Archer: I'm lead negotiator!
Lana Kane: No you're not!


"Archer: The Limited (#3.6)" (2012)
Malory Archer: Dammit, I told Sterling six o'clock!
Sterling Archer: I *thought* you meant six *A*-M.
Malory Archer: No, six - Sterling, are you drunk?
Sterling Archer: [drunk, loud, and incoherent] Winner!
Kenny Bilko: Nice.
Lana Kane: Archer...
Malory Archer: You knew we were transporting a dangerous terrorist to Canada! So how and why you are drunk at six o'clock?
Sterling Archer: [slurring] Well the how's pretty self-explanatory, and the why is because...
Sterling Archer: [hiccough] I thought we were leaving at six *A*M *tomorrow*. Ergo - Latin - plenty of time to sleep it off.

Kenny Bilko: My boys are bad ass,
Cyril Figgis: Well, so am- Lana. And I'm learning. Oh, and don't forget about Archer.
Kenny Bilko: The drunk guy?
Cyril Figgis: Well, he may have seemed drunk but he's...
Lana Kane: [off-screen] ... still drinking?
Sterling Archer: [next scene] Relax, Lana, it's just a bloody mary.
Sterling Archer: [toward bartender] And by the way, not a great one, Mr. Vodka and Ketchup.
Lana Kane: Archer, at any time in the next 12 hours this train could be attacked by radical Nova Scotian separatists.
Sterling Archer: [chuckling] Armed with what? Pamphlets about Canada's responsible gun control laws?
Lana Kane: Ugh, the New Scotland Front *has* guns, and they're not afraid to use them, so...
Sterling Archer: So OK, God! I'll switch to coffee.
Sterling Archer: [to bartender] Hey, Heinz fifty-*six*, can I get an Irish coffee?
Lana Kane: No!
Sterling Archer: Lana, I have to taper off!

Sterling Archer: Lana, I have to taper off! Trust me, if these... Noma Scojens are a real threat, you do *not* want me hungover.
Lana Kane: Do you even still get hangovers?
Sterling Archer: Normally no, but I drank about two gallons of mamajuana this afternoon. I was, uh, playing dominoes with a... Dominican bike gang. Or was it Mahjong? I don't remember.
Malory Archer: [off-screen] Ridiculous!

Lana Kane: Please tell me that's a smoke grenade.
Sterling Archer: OK.
[pause]
Sterling Archer: It's not, though.


"Archer: Blood Test (#2.3)" (2011)
Lana Kane: Why should I care if Archer knocked up some dumb hooker?
Cheryl: Because babies are soft-skulled, fat little germ sacks and now we've all been exposed to that one's bacteria.

Lana Kane: [cradling a baby] But you said I could hold him!
Trinette: You've been holding him, and you've been drinking and your hands are so damn big.
Lana Kane: But...
Trinette: I don't want you to crush him.
Lana Kane: But I'm gentle.
Pam: Lana...
Ray Gillette: Give her the rabbit, Lenny!

Lana Kane: Did you see me?
Ray Gillette: Yeah.
Lana Kane: Holding the baby?
Ray Gillette: It looked like Tyson holding that dove.
Lana Kane: Listen, bitch...
Ray Gillette: Ahh! Careful, because in about three drinks you're gonna get all boo-hooey and ask me to pump a baby in you.
Lana Kane: What?
Ray Gillette: You watch.
Lana Kane: No I won't.
Pam: You guys should totally do that! The mochaccino ones are the cutest! Guess he'd be half-gay, too, though. So, can you say "Best Dancer Ever"?

Lana Kane: [on the phone to Archer] You're such a prick.


"Archer: Dial M for Mother (#1.10)" (2010)
Agent Lana Kane: [over building intercom] Um, attention. Hi, this is Agent Kane, and if you want to have ball-slappy sex with me on Cyril's desk, please line up and take a number.
Pam: [a group of guys show up immediately, Pam pushes to the front] You heard the lady. Take a number!
[holds up #1 card]

Lana Kane: Well at least *my* ex-boyfriend isn't a noose I made out of an extension cord.

Lana Kane: Oh my God, I am exhausted.
Ray Gillette: Whereas I am merely confused. If you told every guy the same thing then they all know that none of them had sex with you, so they're all gonna realize they're all lying.
Pam Poovey: Hey, yeah.
Lana Kane: But remember, they're dudes.
Ray Gillette: Lana Kane, you magnificent bastard.

Lana Kane: You know, the whole monster hands thing. Starting to border on mean.
Cheryl Tunt: Oh, you gonna go run and cry to Miss Archer like when Cyril cheated on you?
Lana Kane: Well, at least my ex-boyfriend isn't a noose I made out of an extension cord.
Cheryl Tunt: Guess what? She wasn't the only one Cyril cheated with!
Lana Kane: And what is that supposed to mean?
Cheryl Tunt: Figure it out, Truckasaurus!


"Archer: Stage Two (#2.8)" (2011)
Sterling Archer: Lana, I'm in love with you.
Lana Kane: You are also shitfaced.
Sterling Archer: I can be both.

Sterling Archer: And there's so much I still wanna do!
Malory Archer: Oh, now you're gonna be fine.
Sterling Archer: Like I've never been to Rome.
Malory Archer: What? Yes you have.
Sterling Archer: For work, mother!
Malory Archer: Sterling Malory Archer, this surgery is going to work and you, look at me, you are going to beat cancer.
Sterling Archer: But what if I don't?
Lana Kane: So, how's this going?
Malory Archer: Not great.
Sterling Archer: Lana, what if I don't?
Lana Kane: Um.
Malory Archer: Can you take him home?
Lana Kane: Can you not?
Malory Archer: No. If I don't get something to eat I'm going to literally die.

Lana Kane: God, I should definitely get checked. I am so bad about doing the self exam.
Pam Poovey: Hey, about we check each other?
Lana Kane: So what's next? Do you, um.
Pam Poovey: Boop!

Malory Archer: What are you- Sterling, no! You're not well! What are you going to do?
Sterling Archer: Cry havoc and let slip the hogs of war.
Lana Kane: Dogs.
Sterling Archer: Whatever farm-animal of war, Lana! Shut up!


"Archer: Archer Vice: House Call (#5.4)" (2014)
Lana Kane: In case you've forgotten, I have an unborn child to think about.
Sterling Archer: Jesus Christ, Lana, who can forget? It's baby this, baby that!
Lana Kane: [pinching cheek] Aw, baby Awcher, who's a jeawous baby?
Sterling Archer: What? Holy shit, do you have anemia?
Lana Kane: No, I...
Sterling Archer: Uh, edema, hypertension, pre-eclampsia, Braxton Hicks contractions, pica?
Lana Kane: I...
Sterling Archer: GERD? Lana, do you have GERD?
Lana Kane: Ahem. How do you know about the various possible complications of pregnancy?

Lana Kane: God shit dammit, Archer! What?

[Ray Gillette is loudly crying in drunken depression over not being able to walk]
Special Agent Hawley: My God, are they... torturing a woman?
Special Agent Hawley: [loudly while running up the stairs] Hang on, ma'am! I'm a Federal Agent, and I'm coming! By God, I am coming!
[Archer has a finger raised]
Lana Kane: [to Archer, Cyril, and Kreiger] Okay, you three head upstairs...
Sterling Archer: Hang on.
Lana Kane: I'm going to the kitchen to make sure he doesn't stumble onto the coke.
Sterling Archer: Hang on.
Lana Kane: What?
Sterling Archer: Question.
Lana Kane: [annoyed] What?
Sterling Archer: Are we not saying "Phrasing" anymore? Which, that's fine, whatever, but if we're doing a new thing and nobody told me, *that* I'd have a problem with.
Special Agent Hawley: Oh, screw me!
[Archer raises a finger and everyone else disperses]
Sterling Archer: [alone] Said Ripley to the android Bishop. Wait, hang on. Um... God damn it! What was wrong with "Phrasing"?
Ray Gillette: Nothing!
[Hawley opens the door]
Ray Gillette: I'm fine! Just get out, leave me alone!


"Archer: Training Day (#1.2)" (2010)
Agent Lana Kane: I don't care if you have fifty dead hookers in the trunk. You lied to me.

Cyril Figgis: But you shot a machine gun at me.
Agent Lana Kane: Around you. Because my feelings were hurt.

Cyril Figgis: Hey, so how did you know where I was?
Agent Lana Kane: When we first started going out I may have
[quickly]
Agent Lana Kane: injected a tracking device into your body.


"Archer: Skorpio (#1.6)" (2010)
Sterling Archer: I mean, if this goes tits up...
[Archer stares at Lana's jiggling cleavage while she fires an AK-47 on full automatic]
Lana Kane: Now? Really?
Sterling Archer: Oh, right! Because you walked into Strippers' Discount Warehouse and said, "Help me showcase my intellect".
Lana Kane: Discount? Hello? This is Fiacci!
Sterling Archer: Uh, I think it's pronounced "knock-off".

Sterling Archer: So when you filled out your insurance, you weren't thinking about my tan, muscular arms or my ass in the combat firing stance.
Lana Kane: No! I wasn't. I don't. I mean, I'm...
Sterling Archer: So full of shit your eyes are brown.
[a grenade is thrown onto the bridge of the yacht where Archer and Lana have taken cover. They both reach for the grenade, their hands touch, and they gaze into each other's eyes]
Sterling Archer: No, they're...
[Archer tosses the grenade away]
Sterling Archer: oh, my God... they're green.
[the grenade explodes]
Sterling Archer: Like emeralds. How did I never see that? Lana, your eyes are amazing.
Lana Kane: Archer.
[They close in to kiss]
Sterling Archer: I mean, not compared to your tits, but...
[Lana shoots Archer in the foot]
Sterling Archer: Ow! Ow! What is your problem!

Sterling Archer: [Steals the uniform of a crewmember prisoner] How's my disguise?
Lana Kane: Depends. Who're you supposed to be, Topper Bottoms, stern yet sensual skipper of the USS Rough Service?
[Prisoner laughs at Archer]
Sterling Archer: What - they're you're clothes, idiot!
[He shoots the prisoner]
Lana Kane: Ah, dammit, that was the guy in charge of the chocolate fountain.
Sterling Archer: There's a chocolate fountain?


"Archer: Killing Utne (#1.4)" (2010)
[last lines]
Cheryl: Oh. I thought we were laughing at the dead people we set on fire.
Agent Lana Kane: [laughs then stops abruptly] Um, sorry.

Agent Lana Kane: I find your lack of faith disturbing.

Torvald Utne: You're breaking my arm!
Lana Kane: Oh sorry. Did that hurt?
Torvald Utne: Yes it hurt. What is wrong with you?
Malory Archer: Nothing but too much enthusiasm for the opportunity to work with the UN.
Torvald Utne: With hands like the Truckasaurus!
Lana Kane: Hey!
Cyril Figgis: Gravlax, anyone?


"Archer: Space Race: Part II (#3.13)" (2012)
Lana Kane: [taking fire from space pirates] Everybody strap in.
Pam Poovey: Really...
Lana Kane: I said "in", not "on".

Lana Kane: Yeah. Um, so, Trish?
Trish: What?
Lana Kane: Still with the tone. So seriously, none of you know how to fly this thing?
Trish: No! We're scientists! We never even trained on the simulator.
Cyril Figgis: The simulator! Guys, I can fly us home. I will fly us home!

Malory Archer: Please, we just want to go home.
Sterling Archer: But, space bots...
Cheryl Tunt: Jesus! Think about someone else for once in your life!
Lana Kane: And that's her saying that.
Cheryl Tunt: Exactly.
Barry Dillon: Domo arigato, Archer roboto! Oh hey, let's get it on brother.
Sterling Archer: Yeah, I can't get it on. Maybe next time. Sorry.
Barry Dillon: No, no don't apologize. You know, if you're having a legitimate problem with your vagina that you have between your legs in lieu of a penis I completely understand and you need to deal with that. Honestly, we can do this another time.
Sterling Archer: Next time, Barry.


"Archer: Space Race: Part I (#3.12)" (2012)
Commander Tony Drake: No! We can't jeopardize the women.
Lana Kane: Cough?
Malory Archer: Well, not you.

Commander Tony Drake: What the hell is going on here?
Sterling Archer: Uh, an electrical fire in the simulator, and knowing that my colleague's life was in danger, I...
Commander Tony Drake: Acted without thinking.
Lana Kane: As always.
Sterling Archer: Not always...
Commander Tony Drake: Well thank God you did.
Sterling Archer: ...But almost always!

Commander Tony Drake: I want to brief you all on what to expect when we dock with Horizon.
Lana Kane: Uh, can we expect a pharmacy?
Sterling Archer: Lana, it's not a strip mall. Although, I assume there's a bar.
Commander Tony Drake: A bar?
Sterling Archer: Or whatever, cantina?


"Archer: Archer Vice: Arrival/Departure (#5.13)" (2014)
Lana Kane: Sterling Archer, I'd like you to meet your daughter, Abijean.

Lana Kane: Okay, so, remember when you had cancer?
Sterling Archer: [laughing facetiously] Uh, um, vaguely.
Lana Kane: Okay, well, we all thought you were going to die... and one night, you got really drunk and we almost had sex.
[Archer begins to play with the baby's face with his finger]
Lana Kane: Right before you passed out, you told me Mallory had convinced you to freeze a bunch of your sperm at Dr. Feldman's office, and I was like, 'Huh, weird.'
[At this point Archer realizes what she's saying, shocked. The ringing in his ears gets louder until eventually it drowns out Lana's voice]
Lana Kane: And then you didn't die, and then a few years went by, and I started thinking about having a baby, but I was single. And all the other stuff aside, physically, you're an amazing human being, and all the other stuff aside, I do actually love you. And so here's this viable sample, just sitting there in Dr. Feldman's - who's security system is a joke, by the way - and so I guess it maybe wasn't the *most* ethical thing I've ever done in my *entire* life, but... Archer? Archer? ARCHER?


"Archer: Double Trouble (#2.13)" (2011)
Doctor Krieger: [Kreiger's van screeches to a halt outside Archer's apartment] And here we are!
Malory Archer: I swear, if anyone sees me in this awful van...
Lana Kane: How could they, with this illegal ass window tint? Dude, this van is like, rolling probable cause.
Malory Archer: So all ashore from the S.S. Date Rape.
Ray Gillette: Toot toot.

Malory Archer: I swear, if anyone ever saw me in this awful van.
Lana Kane: How could they with this illegal-ass window tint? Dude, this van is like rolling probable cause.
Malory Archer: So all ashore from the S.S. Date Rape!
Ray Gillette: Toot toot!


"Archer: Heart of Archness: Part I (#3.1)" (2011)
Rip Riley: I tracked him down.
Malory Archer: See!
Lana Kane: How?
Rip Riley: Yeah, this new thing called intelligence gathering.

Pam Poovey: What a hunk!
Cheryl Tunt: Total sploosh!
Lana Kane: Actually, yeah. Gotta give him a sploosh.
Ray Gillette: And whatever my equivalent of sploosh is, which I guess is just sploosh. Only with semen.


"Archer: Pocket Listing (#6.9)" (2015)
Lana Kane: Seriously.
Sterling Archer: What?
Lana Kane: I just heard you get hard.
Everyone else: Ewww!

Lana Kane: Seriously?
Sterling Archer: What?
Lana Kane: I just HEARD you get hard!


"Archer: Honeypot (#1.5)" (2010)
Agent Lana Kane: Uhh... Kill... Kill... God, when do I get to end so I can see what Cyril said?
Cheryl: You seriously don't think that's hot?
Pam Poovey: I seriously think you're scary!
Cheryl: No, no no no... Like, a big sweaty fireman carries you out of a burning building, lays you on the sidewalk, and you think, "Yeah, okay, he's gonna give me mouth to mouth." But instead, he just starts choking the shit out of you, and the last sensation that you feel before you die is he is squeezing your throat so hard that a big, wet, blob of drool drips off his teeth and just "flurr", falls right onto your popped out eyeball...
Pam Poovey: Jesus Christ!
Cheryl: I know, right?
Agent Lana Kane: What the hell!
Cheryl: I'm wet just thinking about it.
Agent Lana Kane: Cyril! Cyril, you get your ass out here right now!
Cheryl: Is she freaking 'cause Cyril said he wanted to bang Danny, the intern?
Pam Poovey: No, I think it's 'cause he said he wanted to marry her.
Cheryl: She's so weird... Hey, will you choke me a little bit?

Cheryl: You seriously don't think that's hot?
Pam Poovey: I seriously think you're scary.
Cheryl: No, no no no. Like, a big sweaty fireman carries you out of a burning building, lays you on the sidewalk and you think 'Yea, okay, he;s gonna give me mouth to mouth' but instead he just starts choking the SHIT out of you and the last sensation that you feel before you DIE, as he is squeezing your throat so hard that a big wet blob of drool drips off his teeth and just 'blurp' falls right onto your popped-out eyeball.
Pam Poovey: Jesus Christ!
Agent Lana Kane: What the hell?
Cheryl: I'm wet just thinking about it.


"Archer: The Honeymooners (#4.9)" (2013)
Sterling Archer: [Lana and Archer are trapped in a high-rise hotel bathroom with Koreans shooting up the door on the other side, and Lana is trying to break the window with a toilet lid] Uhh, a couple things: one, we've got about a couple seconds before the door is matchsticks. Two, you're never going to break that win...
Lana Kane: [Shatters the window] What was that? I couldn't hear you over the sound of your wrongness!
Sterling Archer: [Gestures to the thirty-storey drop to the ground] It's okay, I'll skip ahead to three, which is 'Now what, idiot? Because I forgot my jetpack in my other pants!'

Sterling Archer: Do you have any idea how many times I've had to get out of handcuffs?
Lana Kane: Whew! Well, thank God you've been arrested so many times.
Sterling Archer: Arrested?


"Archer: Diversity Hire (#1.3)" (2010)
Agent Lana Kane: Have you noticed anything weird about Conway?
Sterling Archer: Other than the fact that he's not circumcised?
Agent Lana Kane: Wow. Okay. Glossing over *how* you know that...
Sterling Archer: We touched penises...
Agent Lana Kane: No! Glossing! Glossing!

Sterling Archer: What? You're black... ish.
Agent Lana Kane: Ish?
Sterling Archer: Well, what's the word for it, Lana? You freaked out when I said 'quadroon.'
Agent Lana Kane: Imagine that!
Sterling Archer: You imagine it!
Malory Archer: Both of you imagine shutting up!


"Archer: Fugue and Riffs (#4.1)" (2013)
Lana Kane: I'm serious. I want it on record that I think this is a terrible plan.
Malory Archer: Duly noted and disregarded. And I expect you to be totally convincing.
Lana Kane: As the damsel in distress? Have you ever met a woman less damsel-y?
Malory Archer: Pam.


"Archer: Archer Vice: A Kiss While Dying (#5.2)" (2014)
Lana Kane: If anything goes wrong, I'm holding YOU responsible.
Sterling Archer: Yeah, that'll teach me.


"Archer: Legs (#4.3)" (2013)
Sterling Archer: The El Camino is not a car...
Ray Gillette: Truck, whatever!
Sterling Archer: ...nor is it a truck, it's a...
Lana Kane: ...vehicular hermaphrodite?
Sterling Archer: Shut up!


"Archer: Swiss Miss (#2.1)" (2011)
Lana Kane: Was that before or after you got caught fondling a teenager?
Sterling Archer: Well, obviously, before. After was all gendarmes and dick stitches.


"Archer: Midnight Ron (#4.4)" (2013)
Lana Kane: No, I'm serious. Name one, just one single favor that Archer ever did for any of you.
Cyril Figgis, Pam Poovey, Ray Gillette, Cheryl Tunt: Uhh...
Cheryl Tunt: Oh! Oh my God! Chlamydia. Which put me over my deductible so the rest of the year, all my doctor visits were totally free. Score!
Lana Kane, Cyril Figgis, Pam Poovey, Ray Gillette: Wow.
Cheryl Tunt: Right?
Pam Poovey: How much did you go to the damn doctor?
Cheryl Tunt: I dunno, like a lot? I kept getting chlamydia.
[She reaches for one of Ray's chips and he slaps her hand]
Cheryl Tunt: Ow!
Ray Gillette: Get off! Chlamydiot!
Cheryl Tunt: Oh, I get it. 'Cause of the chlamydia. Oh, and I'm an idiot.


"Archer: Sea Tunt: Part 2 (#4.13)" (2013)
Ray Gillette: I have prosthetic legs.
Sterling Archer: And plus you're a woman.
Lana Kane: Yeah, a PREGNANT woman!


"Archer: Once Bitten (#4.6)" (2013)
Cheryl Tunt: Please, if you really cared, you'd resign, but there's no way you ever will, because you're just counting the days until, her face bloated and yellow from liver failure, she calls you to her death bed and, in a croaky whisper, explains that Mr. Archer is totally incompetent and that you, the long-suffering Lana Kane, are the only one qualified to run ISIS and you weep shameful tears because you know this terrible place is the only true love you will ever know.
Lana Kane: [Upset] Excuse me.
Pam Poovey: Daaaaaamn!
Cheryl Tunt: What?... Oh my god, was I talking?


"Archer: The Papal Chase (#4.11)" (2013)
Lana Kane: Malory!
Malory Archer: [after Lana breaks Malory's magnetic door] Jesus, do you have robotic hands?
Doctor Krieger: [holding a pair of robotic hands] Not yet, but you just say the word!


"Archer: Heart of Archness: Part III (#3.3)" (2011)
Noah: He just kinda keeled over.
Lana Kane: Probably from your bucket stainch.


"Archer: Crossing Over (#3.10)" (2012)
Sterling Archer: And the last thing you need is another drink!
Lana Kane: Ugh, seriously! How can you be drinking after last night?
Sterling Archer: How can you not?
Lana Kane: Because I don't have a problem.
Malory Archer: [sighs] Well, I do...
Sterling Archer: First step's admitting it, Mother.
Malory Archer: What? Not with drinking!
Sterling Archer, Lana Kane: Eh...