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Quotes for
Linkara (Character)
from "Atop the Fourth Wall" (2008)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"The Nostalgia Critic: Alone in the Dark (#2.39)" (2009)
The Spoony One: So one of the kids escapes from the evil experiments and runs to the safest place he can think of: a high voltage electricity box.
Linkara: But it's okay, he's saved by a flash forward to the future.
Nostalgia Critic: Oh no, he grew up into Christian Slater.

Christian Slater as Edward: You don't have to believe me.
Nostalgia Critic, The Spoony One, Linkara: Why start now?

Linkara: You know, you don't have to beat up the door, pal. You could just as easily go through the window you smashed through.

Linkara: Is he trying to out-Slater Christian Slater?

Linkara: But his monologuing doesn't last long as he's interrupted by Aileen dropping by his place. Perhaps she's come to share some info or figure out why he lied about being dead or...
The Spoony One: [Edward and Aileen start making out] Or maybe she's just a whore.
Linkara: What kind of woman acts like this? Breaks into your home and just starts making out with you. Granted, I wish more women acted like that, but this is really pushing it.

Stephen Dorf: I got a feeling this is just the beginning.
Nostalgia Critic, Linkara, The Spoony One: Awwww!
The Spoony One: How long is this movie?
Linkara: This movie has a talent for somehow having too much plot and yet no plot at all.

Linkara: So now with the monsters blown up, everything is fine, right? Noooooo. For it turns out some other group of monsters that was never explained or shown to us attacked the city while they were fighting in the cave, resulting in a complete evacuation of the entire city, ALL IN ONE NIGHT! Wow! That's a LOT to buy, movie. That is a LOT to buy.
Nostalgia Critic: One night? They evacuated the city in one night? Holy fuck balls is this stupid.
The Spoony One: And you know what makes it really tragic is that everyone in the city had just two days left 'til retirement...
Nostalgia Critic: Shut up.

Linkara: [a character is shot] What... he didn't even hit her! Look, it goes right above her head. Was the shock of somebody trying to kill her too much for her to handle?
Nostalgia Critic: Actually, think about it, that gun shot was computer generated, so the director actually had to say in post-production, 'make sure that shot doesn't hit her.' What a cocksucking douchebag.

Nostalgia Critic: Well, not that I wouldn't want to watch the movie again with you, Spoony, but I feel a film this bad would take at least three reviewers, so unless you can find someone else...
Linkara: [comes in] Hi, guys!
Nostalgia Critic: Oh Jesus, no.
Linkara: I saw the Nostalgia signal in the sky.
[Cut to a shot of a spotlight showing a picture of the Critic's face in the sky]
Nostalgia Critic: Why did I install that?
Linkara: No one should have to watch Uwe Boll alone, especially with Spoony.

Linkara: What's with this guy and his fear of doors? Did a door kill his family?

Nostalgia Critic: Well, I guess we have enough people to withstand the horrors of the Boll. So what do you say we watch Alone in the Dark with a group in the daylight?
Linkara: Sounds great.
The Spoony One: Totally looking forward to it.
Nostalgia Critic: Goody.

Linkara: Now it says "if you made it to this door, you weren't intimidated by the other door."

The Spoony One: So Slater tries to shoot the guy, but it turns out bullets are just like Milk Duds being thrown at him.
Linkara: [Edward now shoots him in the leg] Yes, because it worked so well the first time!

Linkara, The Spoony One: [to the tune of the Star Wars theme] Boring. This is so boring. This is so boring. Get to the show.

Nostalgia Critic: Hey look, it's that guy who consistently almost has a career.
Linkara: Stephen Dorf?
Nostalgia Critic: Yes.

The Spoony One: So I guess 22 years before that onslaught of rambling text, there was a sweet, innocent old nun who ran a lovely little orphanage where she sold her children to the most adorable science experiments.
Linkara: Wait, what?

Linkara: This movie jumps around more than a Mexican jumping bean on a grasshopper... on a jackrabbit... on a pogo stick.
[Spoony and NC give him a look]
Linkara: This movie sucks!

Linkara: So rather than just attacking the guy, he climbs up a fence, walks over a bridge and THEN attacks the guy. I guess he figured he could use the exercise.

Aileen: If you wanted somebody to build a puzzle, why would you hide the pieces so far apart?
Linkara, Nostalgia Critic, The Spoony One: Because it's a puzzle, you dummy! It's supposed to be hard to solve!

Linkara: [as the professor injects himself with monster blood] Mmmm, that's good McGuffin!

Nostalgia Critic: There, it's over. Now leave.
The Spoony One: Oh, but I got all these other Uwe Boll movies we could watch, like House of the Dead.
[NC slaps him]
Linkara: Remember to buy Revolution of the Mask.
[NC pokes him in the eyes]
The Spoony One: What about Dungeon Seige?
[NC slaps him]
Linkara: Hey, you leave him alone.
[NC hits him]
The Spoony One: I got BloodRayne.
[NC pokes him]
The Spoony One: BloodRayne 2.
Nostalgia Critic: [Linkara hits NC with his hat] Pick five.
[slaps Linkara]
The Spoony One: Why you gotta be so mean? We could watch Seed.
[NC hits both of them]
The Spoony One: Alright, Critic, it's on!
[NC is tackled by Spoony and Linkara]
Nostalgia Critic: I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to.

Linkara: How much text is in this movie?
The Spoony One: It's like Alone in the Dark: The Audio Book.

Stephen Dorf: It's classified. That means it's none of your fucking business!
Linkara: [in Clint Eastwood voice] What about the business of that little girl?

[repeated line]
Linkara: Unless, of course, that man was...
Linkara, Nostalgia Critic, The Spoony One: Chuck Norris!

Linkara: So for some reason, everyone decides to just walk off the movie. I mean geez, I knew Uwe Boll was a terrible director, but to have all the actors walking off the movie at the same time is pretty bad.

Sam: This must be why his entire nervous system is compromised.
Linkara: If by "compromised", you mean INVINCIBLE!

Christian Slater as Edward: Seems all the pieces fit together.
The Spoony One: [imitating Aileen] Oh, is that what you call what we just did? I mean, I slapped you after we hugged. You don't even wanna know what I'm gonna do after we've had sex. 'Cha.
Linkara: 'Cha.
Nostalgia Critic: Chaw.

Linkara: Hey look, a wall. That's different.

Boy: My mommy says there's nothing to be afraid of in the dark.
Linkara: My mommy also says I should pick an accent before I act.

The Spoony One, Linkara: [chanting] Padding, padding, padding. Padding, padding, padding. Padding, padding, padding.

The Spoony One: [imitating valley girl] Okay, yeah, don't-cha know, like everybody knows about the Abkani.
Linkara: It was all over MTV News last week.
Nostalgia Critic: For sure.

Linkara: We see Slater trying to walk away from the plot, when he has a sudden suspicion like he's being followed. And... he's not.
The Spoony One: Huh. You know, from the way they were shooting, I could have sworn he was being followed.
Linkara: Nope, he's just walking home with no conflicting obstacles whatsoever.
The Spoony One: Huh. Kinda pointless, really.
Linkara: Yep.

Linkara: So, let's go back the way we just came.
Nostalgia Critic: Walking at its best, folks.

Stephen Dorf: [a soldier is hit] Lay down, relax, everything's going to be fine.
Linkara: Well she's a goner.

Kickassia (2010) (V)
Linkara: I got 3:24 here, but I think Spoony's watch is more accurate.

Linkara: But it's only an acre of land! What can we do with an acre of land?
Nostalgia Critic: What can't we do with an acre of land?

Nostalgia Critic: What started as just an acre of land will blossom into something more than an acre of land!
Linkara: Yeah, like two acres of land!

Nostalgia Critic: And so, it is the ruling of this court that you be found guilty for the crimes against our government. All in favor, say 'aye'. Aye. All opposed?
The Spoony One, Linkara, Angry Joe, Nostalgia Chick, Phelous, MarzGurl, Bennett the Sage, 8-Bit Mickey, Benzaie: Nay!
Nostalgia Critic: [sing-songy] Too bad I'm in charge! Guilty!

Benzaie: Shit! Cinema Snob is gone, now what do we do?
Linkara: I suggest an attack. A full-frontal assault by all of us. I'll orchestrate it myself.
Angry Joe: Damn it, man! He'll have plenty of time to set off the detonator! He'll kill us all!
Linkara: I can do this Joe! I've seen "Patton" over a hundred times!

Angry Joe: A stupid plan for a stupid man!
Linkara: Are you high?
Angry Joe: [flashes a big grin]

Linkara: You just killed Santa Christ!
Nostalgia Critic: You all saw it. He came at me with a chainsaw.

Linkara: Good shooting, Joe, except for the fact that you missed.

Nostalgia Chick: I am the new ruler of Kickassia, and there's gonna be some new rules around here.
[laughs maniacally]
Cinema Snob: [takes hat from her] Excuse me, but it was my insight that overthrew this government. So I think it should be I taking over as acting president.
[laughs maniacally]
Linkara: [takes hat from him] Bad news, I'm afraid. Since I'm the one who orchestrated this operation, it's obviously I who should be president.
[laughs maniacally]

Linkara: Critic, you magnificent bastard, I READ YOUR BOOK!

Nostalgia Critic, The Spoony One, Linkara, Angry Joe, Nostalgia Chick, Phelous, MarzGurl, Bennett the Sage, Benzaie, JewWario: I believe in Santa Christ.

Phelous: I think our last option after our last option is Linkara.
Angry Joe: Yeah, you might have a point.
[Looks over at Linkara who is cleaning his magic gun]
Angry Joe: What do you say Linkara? Why don't you try out some of that strategic mumbo-jumbo?
Linkara: [Puts the gun away and gets up, throwing an arm over Joe's shoulder as he talks] Joe, Joe, Joe. I know we've had our differences in the past.
Angry Joe: We have?
Linkara: Yes; I don't like you very much.
Angry Joe: Oh.
Linkara: [while walking away] But your live of destruction mixed with my love of planning destruction might serve us well.
Angry Joe: So you'll do it?
Linkara: [Looks dramatically over his shoulder] Its my job to do it.
Linkara: [Spins around dramatically, shedding his coat to reveal a TNG Star Trek uniform and knocking off his fedora to replace it with a helmet before pushing Joe aside and imitating Patton] Alright troops, here's how its gonna work...

MarzGurl: Did you punch them yet?
Linkara: After lunch.

Linkara: This is ridiculous! There is no strategy here! Plus, he's my archnemesis! It's... annoying!
Benzaie: No, they're right. We've got to fight madness with madness. And he's the craziest we got.
[to Insano]
Benzaie: Are you ready?
Dr. Insano: [Evil laugh] I was BORN ready!
[Linkara facepalms]

Nostalgia Critic: My friends, this is indeed a great day. We have given birth to a new nation!
Everyone: Yay!
Nostalgia Critic: And there will be government. Rules. And a new democracy to live by!
Linkara: Why a democracy?
Nostalgia Critic: Because I say so. And I will be your president!
Everyone: Yay!
Nostalgia Critic: Nostalgia Chick will be vice president!
Everyone: Yay!
Nostalgia Critic: And the rest we'll figure out at another time!
Film Brain: Another time!
Nostalgia Critic: And as my first order as your president. I shall build a table. A round table so that everyone can look at each other in the eye.
Nostalgia Chick: Hmm. That's a good idea. It's like everyone's equal.
Nostalgia Critic: Yes! And I shall be elevated above you in a rocket chair! A magnificent rocket chair so I can look down on all of you and see just how equal we all are!
Everyone: [unenthusiastically] Yay.
Nostalgia Critic: Make yourselves comfortable, everybody, for we have given birth to the greatest nation ever known! We have given birth TO KICKASSIA!

Nostalgia Critic: People. What may start as just a small acre of land, will blossom into something larger than any of us can possibly imagine!
Linkara: [sarcastically] Yeah, like *two* acres of land!
Nostalgia Critic: You know, there's another group of people that thought like you, Linkara. There were called Nazis! They were close-minded, hate filled people who just wanted everything their way! Are you a Nazi, Linkara?
Linkara: No.
Nostalgia Critic: Are you a Nazi, Linkara?
Linkara: No!
Nostalgia Critic: Cause I don't want any Nazis around here!
Linkara: No! I'm not a Nazi!
[Everyone stares at him accusingly]
Linkara: I'm not! I'm not! I'm not a Nazi!
Nostalgia Critic: Good. Now let me tell you about a group of people that didn't give up. They were called Nazis! They had a crazy plan, too. Everybody thought they were nuts. But you know what? They got pretty far, didn't they? Cause they were dedicated.
Everyone: Yeah!
Nostalgia Critic: And strong!
Everyone: Yeah!
Nostalgia Critic: A lot of people said they were crazy!
Everyone: Ehhhhh.
Nostalgia Critic: Well, everybody says that we're crazy, so that gives us a better advantage, doesn't it?
Everyone: YEAH!

Paw: That's a game of Risk.
Linkara Patton: Yes, and it's also gonna serve as our battle plan. Now then, just assume that Northern Europe here is the Government House, and Greenland is the Back Yard. Angry Joe and I will be stationed here!
[points at the United Kingdom]
Linkara Patton: Handsome Tom and 8 Bit Mickey will travel in through the back, then Monty will come in through Messina
Bennett the Sage: Wait, wait! You can't travel that way, the countries have to be connected!
Linkara Patton: No they don't.
Bennett the Sage: Yes they do! See? See those dotted lines? They connect!
Linkara Patton: They do?
Bennett the Sage: Well, I thought so.
Paw: I thought you needed dice for this.
Linkara Patton: Do you?
JewWario: How *do* you play this game anyway?
Board James: Well guys...
[He picks up box of Risk]
Board James: Glad you asked. You got your deck of 56 risk cards, 3 red dice, 2 white dice, 6 sets of colored armies, and, of course, your game board because every board game has a game BOARD! The first step is to claim all the territories. Each player rolls 1 die. Whoever rolls the highest number gets to place one of their armies on the territory of your choice. After all territories are claimed, game play begins. At the beginning of every turn, count the number of territories you already own, then divide the number by 3. Then add that number of armies. You can also get armies by trading in certain combination of cards. You get the cards from capturing a territory. The attacker rolls the red dice based off the number of armies on the territory which is attacking. The winner is the first greedy bastard to take over the whole world. And that's... all there is to it
Linkara Patton: Hey, that's good to know! Thanks, Board James!
Board James: Well, thank *you* for the, uh... obligatory cameo.

Linkara Patton: What are we doing playing a game? We're planning a strategy!
JewWario: But this game is so much more fun, though!
Linkara Patton: We're planning a TAKEOVER!
JewWario: Alright, already!

"Bad Movie Beatdown: BMB Atop the Fourth Wall: The Spirit (#2.10)" (2010)
Linkara: [trying to open the door] Funk'n Wagnalls, why won't it open?

Linkara: Frank, why is Death a woman?

Linkara: Why is The Spirit so obessed with cats?
Film Brain: Maybe he gets a lot of pussy.
Linkara: Oh come on, man! Can we refrain from that for the next 100 minutes?

Film Brain: The Spirit jumps on a police car being driven by Frank Miller.
Linkara: He's obviously out to avenge this script.

Linkara: Why are they finding all this junk in the mud?
Film Brain: Because the script says so.

Film Brain: Did he just break the fourth wall?
Linkara: Don't worry, we're atop it.
[audience boos]

Film Brain: Well at least we got to see Eva Mendes' backside. Maybe this movie isn't so bad after all.
Linkara: Who are you, Frank Miller?

Linkara: Anyway, with his new immortality, Octopus can take over the world.
N. Bison: Of course!

Film Brain: Well, Linkara, you're free to go.
Linkara: Yes, well, just a little message to whoever was behind this little flim-flam operation of yours: if you value your continued existence, if you have any hope of seeing tomorrow, let me tell you: there's one thing you never, ever put in a trap... me.
[punches Film Brain]

Linkara: Holy crap, Frank Miller makes worse puns than you, Film Brain!
Film Brain: I never thought such a thing could be accomplished.

Octopus: You know I don't like egg on my face. No. Egg. On. My. Face! Not a glob!
Linkara: Ugh, these egg-related puns make me PINE for Schwarzenegger.
Mr. Freeze: What killed the dinosaurs? The ICE age!
Film Brain: Care to retract that statement?
Linkara: Yes, yes I will.

Film Brain: Hey, Linkara.
Linkara: Hey, Film Brain. I have no idea how the hell you got your hands on Iron Man 2. I can't wait to watch it.
Film Brain: Say, Linkara, have you checked your watch?
Linkara: Oh, yeah...
[looks at watch]
Linkara: No. No, it can't be.
Film Brain: That's right, it's Miller Time.
[Linkara screams]

Linkara: You tricked me!
Film Brain: I told you it was a Samuel L. Jackson and Scarlett Johansson movie. You just believed whatever you wanted to believe.

Film Brain: Have a seat, get comfortable, it's going to hurt.
Linkara: It's Frank Miller, when does it not?

Film Brain: He's green-egg-and-hamming it. Get it? Because octopuses lay eggs.
Linkara: No, I don't get it. Octopuses lay eggs?
Film Brain: Yes, they do.
Linkara: So not only is he making puns, he's making dumb puns because the audience isn't gonna get it. Oh Great Gatsby, it's Mr. Freeze all over again.

Linkara: [at the reveal of Silken Floss] Yes, we get it, every woman is beautiful. We're only ten minutes into this movie and you've said it 100 times!

Linkara: Is this really meant to be taken seriously?
Film Brain: Ten minutes ago people were being beaten over the head with toilets. The time for seriousness has passed.

"Atop the Fourth Wall: All-Star Batman & Robin #1 and #2 (#2.47)" (2009)
Batman: Sleep tight, my ward.
Dick Grayson: Huh? What's that? What the hell is a ward?
Batman: Shut up. I'll do the talking here.
Linkara: Ooh, bat owned.

Batman: What, are you dense? Are you retarded or something? Who the hell do you think I am? I'm the goddamn Batman!
Linkara: Ladies and Gentlemen, we have an internet meme!

Linkara: Say...
[looks at his watch]
Linkara: It's Miller time. Welcome to Miller Time, a new segment on the show where we chronicle the ever-growing insanity of comic book writer Frank Miller.

Linkara: And so our first issues ends, and somewhere Bob Kane and Bill Finger are crying.

Vicki Vale: I'm having a date with Bruce Wayne.
Linkara: Wait, I can't follow this plotline. Is she on a date or something?

Vicki Vale: Brutally. Brutally. It was brutal.
Linkara: So, was it brutal?

Batman: But first, the kid. Dick Grayson, age 12.
Linkara: No, you asshole. Don't interrogate him, interrogate the shooter!

Batman: I knew these cops would take the boy to the gulch, so I set up my sonics. Bats like my sonics.
Linkara: Personally, I always thought Knuckles was kinda cool, but I haven't played in a while so... what's that? Oh, well I much prefer talking about old Sega games than I do about this.

Linkara: So only a scant hour from his parents being shot in front of him, Batman announced to Dick Grayson that he'd been drafted into a war. We open the book on a confusing angle of the Batmobile driving up a really tall hill, or a mountain, none of which I knew were near Gotham, overlooking the city below. Frank's schzophrenic writing is in full force here as he begins.
Batman: From up here, Gotham City is beautiful.
Linkara: Aw, well isn't that just nice and...
Batman: Beautiful, like Edgar Allan Poe's sweet Lenore, before her small cough brought a spot of blood to her lip and the poet knew she was plagued. Doomed.
Linkara: Show of hands, anybody else really freaked out right now?

Linkara: The narration caption explains who this is: "Vicki Vale, columnist. Bearing witness"; Lewis Lovhaug, comic book reviewer. Bearing the pain of this comic.

Batman: I guess somebody on the force put out a kill order on me. Cool. It's about damn time.
Linkara: Ack, how many things are wrong with those sentences? First off, Batman NEVER says cool. He doesn't have to. He's so cool he doesn't need to acknowledge coolness anywhere else, besides the fact that he's too freakin' serious for it. Next, he's never going to be happy that the police are chasing him down. He wants to have a good relationship with the Gotham PD so they don't get in his way when he's trying to take down criminals.

Batman: There's only one cop worth a damn in Gotham City, and he's nowhere near this case.
Linkara: What's this? A reference to Jim Gordon in this fiasco? And here I was hoping he didn't exist anymore in Frank's confused little mind. Because there is no way in hell Gordon would ever agree with anything Crazy Steve has been doing here.

Linkara: Crazy Steve, there's no place in the world that needs you. They need Batman, not the lunatic who's using his name.

Linkara: In 1985, Frank Miller said that Batman is as good and pure a superhero as you can find. Well twenty years later, he seemed to have forgotten that. The Batman in this book is unheroic, psychotic and at some parts seems pedophilic even.

Linkara: Dick Grayson echoes my own sentiments as he cracks and then the Batman that Frank Miller wrote, the guy who caught Carrie Kelly in the air and told her she was a good soldier, the guy who once tried to rescue a cat from some shooting police officers, promptly slaps Dick Grayson!

Linkara: As if Frank suddenly realized that nothing so far has made us want to empathize with the hobo wearing Batman's costume, Dick speculates in his thoughts that Batman is so lonely in his world and that when he doesn't talk, it's so quiet in the Batmobile. More Sin City inspired lines ensue. He sucks air and for a second, it looks like he's got a razor blade stuck between his teeth. Um... eww. Then he talks and it sounds like every word he says is a jagged chunk of glass that scrapes his throat on its way out. And if you ever wanted a reason to not start smoking, kids!

"Atop the Fourth Wall: All-Star Batman & Robin #3 and #4 (#4.14)" (2011)
Linkara: [as drunk] Do you know who I am? You should know who I am.
[normal voice]
Linkara: Sorry, Senator, but you haven't paid your tab in a month.

Linkara: [as character in comic] She better be fine, Dorothy. She better be fine.
[normal voice]
Linkara: What, haven't you heard of The Wizard of Oz book 'Dorothy and the Prostitute Village of Oz'?

Linkara: The narration box let's us know: "The only people with any reason to be out this late are hookers or cops... and losers." Well you'd know all three of those, wouldn't you, Frank?

Linkara: [about Batman] But enough of that scene, it's now time to check back in with the guy Frank Miller didn't care about the last issue. What, no interludes with The Flash, who in this I'm sure is a drug-crazed extortionist? No checking in with Green Lantern who is no doubt a KKK member who devours the hearts of young girls after molesting them?

Linkara: Yes, let's condone violence against assholes. Wait, are you even sure some of them called you names? Because as I said, there were women in the bar too.

Linkara: The non-logic is killing my puny human brain! I need some milk.

Linkara: What is even the hell?

Linkara: I do apologize to my many Irish fans because I do a crappy Irish accent.

Batman: I've kidnapped a traumatized youngster and drafted him into my holy war.
Linkara: And from that I just have to ask: do you worship crime fighting? Is there some sort of God of Vigilantism that you pray to? No? Then it's not a holy war, you moron!

Dick Grayson: Batman's completely nuts
Linkara: NAWWW! What gave you that idea?

Batman: I'm a detective.
Linkara: No, Sherlock Holmes is a detective. Encyclopedia Brown is a detective. You're a loser who kidnapped a young boy and frequently refer to him as your ward. You haven't done one friggin' bit of detective work since you started this comic!

Linkara: In All-Star Batman and Robin, Batman kills, maims, kidnaps and extorts; in All-Star Superman, Superman cures cancer. Point goes to the Man of Tomorrow.

Linkara: Crazy Steve assaults Alfred, slamming him against the cave wall and yelling, "what the hell do you think you're doing, Alfred?" And if you had any lingering doubts about this not being Batman, this scene should clinch it. Batman has gotten angry at Alfred before in moments of sudden emotion, but nothing like this. Knocking Alfred around, the man who raised him as a surrogate father, because he showed some compassion to a little kid! This comic can go straight to hell!

Batman: Alfred just told me to take a flying leap.
Linkara: Um, I thought he said he wasn't your slave. Were you under the impression that he was?
Batman: This little brat is going to ruin everything.
Linkara: Hey, you're the one who kidnapped him, asshole.

"The Nostalgia Critic: BloodRayne (#7.27)" (2014)
[During the opening credits of "Bloodrayne", it says "Special appearance by Billy Zane"]
Linkara: I wonder if the word "special" is code for "blackmailed".
Nostalgia Critic: I just assume most of Billy Zane's career is blackmail.

Linkara: If you thought Twilight was the worst disservice to vampires the world has ever known... it is, but this one's pretty bad, too.

Linkara: We have something we need to address first. The elephant in the room, which of course, is him!
[points at Spoony]
The Spoony One: Wh-What did I do?
Linkara: Oh, you know exactly what you did! It happened a few years ago! The drama that was caused! Everything that happened on Twitter, on Facebook, on everything like that! The betrayal of everything that we stand for! Roll the clip!
[the clip in question is of the Alone in the Dark review. The camera zooms in on Spoony's shirt which says Castleton]
Linkara: You never went to Castleton!
The Spoony One: I dropped out, okay?
Nostalgia Critic: [to the camera] This is Bloodrayne.

[Sebastian has just staked a vampire through the heart right in the middle of a bar but nobody else seems bothered]
Bartender (Razvan Popa): Heh. I like you Brimstone people. You never make a mess of the place.
Vladimir (Michael Madsen): What have you heard?
[the Three Schmuckheads look on, confused]
Bartender (Razvan Popa): What might only be a tall tale...
Nostalgia Critic: Moving on, I guess?
Linkara: Nobody even batted an eye.
The Spoony One: Is this like an everyday thing?
Nostalgia Critic: Since when did killing a vampire become yesterday's news?
Linkara: Yeah, I don't care where or when you are - and then again, neither does Uwe Boll - but killing a vampire will never be a boring thing!

[Cinema Snob comes in and joins the gang, hands covered in blood]
Cinema Snob: Guys, guys! Holy shit, you won't believe it! I just killed a vampire!
The Spoony One: Was it a 'Nazi' vampire?
Cinema Snob: Well, technically, no, but...
Nostalgia Critic: Oh please, Cinema Snob. Everybody knows that Nazi vampires are all the rage now.
Linkara: Yeah, what you did is like the Bing search engine of vampire killings.
Cinema Snob: But he killed a family of six!
The Spoony One: [snobbish voice] Go away, Cinema Snob. I can't even stand to look at you.
[the three of them turn their heads away from him]
Cinema Snob: Okay... I guess I can drop his clothes off at the Goodwill or something.
The Spoony One: You do that.
[Linkara waves Cinema Snob off]
Nostalgia Critic: Noob.

[Rayne's skin burns when it touches water]
Linkara: Wait a minute, was that holy water?
Nostalgia Critic: Nope.
Linkara: Then how the hell did it burn her?
Nostalgia Critic: Oh-ho-ho-ho, Linkara. This is the Stephanie Meyer age of vampires. You can make up anything! If you wanna say water hurts them even though it's not blessed, it's okay now!
The Spoony One: Yeah, if you wanna say they in no way can fly, turn into bats or do most of the cool things vampires can do, that's okay now, too!
Linkara: Oh, I see. And if people travel for miles to see one as an attraction, yet nobody turns their head when one is stabbed and violently decomposes in front of their eyes...
Nostalgia Critic, The Spoony One: It's totally okay!
Linkara: Now I know!
[Looks at the camera]
The Spoony One: And knowing makes it even more confusing.

[the vampire hunters arrive to the carnival and begin decapitating Rayne's victims]
Nostalgia Critic: Um, thank you for chopping off the heads of our dead people.
[the bodies are doused in oil, then set on fire]
Nostalgia Critic: And then burning their bodies.
Amanda (Madalina Constantin): She didn't mean to bite me!
[Amanda is then stabbed]
Nostalgia Critic: And stabbing our performers. I'm sorry, have you been helped?
The Spoony One: Seriously, do these people ever react to anything? Why does nobody care that these whackos are chopping up their dead and living cast members?
Linkara: Just another fad gone passé, I guess.

[Cinema Snob comes back in, now having his face covered in blood]
Cinema Snob: Guys, guys! I just decapitated twenty corpses and stabbed an injured woman through the chest. No reason, really; I'm just kinda sick!
The Spoony One: Were they ninja decapitated corpses?
Cinema Snob: I didn't ask what their martial arts background was.
Nostalgia Critic: Oh, Snob. Everyone knows if there's decapitated corpses we're talking about, it's NINJA decapitated corpses!
Linkara: Does this guy ever wake up?
The Spoony One: They sneak without thought, man!
Cinema Snob: But I have a thirst for blood that can't be quenched!
The Spoony One: [snobbish voice] Away with you, Snob. You become more dated with every passing view.
[the guys turn their heads away from him]
Cinema Snob: Why won't someone help me?
[Linkara pushes him off the couch]

[Commenting on Michelle Rodriguez's incongruous accent]
Linkara: It's good to know those years of the Dick Van Dyke School of Accents paid off.

Fortune teller (Geraldine Chaplin): Most believe that your kind are merely legends. Part vampire, part human. Generally they're exterminated. You've hidden well.
Linkara: Yes, you've been displayed in front of dozens of people and killed off an entire carnival singlehandedly. You're better than Solid Snake.

Rayne (Kristanna Loken): There was a man.
Fortune teller (Geraldine Chaplin): Kagan? Kagan's not a man. He's a vampire and you are his creation.
Rayne (Kristanna Loken): He killed my mother.
Fortune teller (Geraldine Chaplin): Dhampirs are rarely a product of a happy union between a vampire and a human.
Rayne (Kristanna Loken): You lie!
Nostalgia Critic: So, you mean your vampire father killing your mother was a *happy* union?
Linkara: Boy, somebody's in denial.

Monk (Udo Kier): Why do you think water no longer burns you?
Linkara: Still wondering how it hurts her to begin with! The human body is 60% water, and blood is 80% water! Now how the hell...
Nostalgia Critic: No no no no, Linkara. You're thinking too hard about this. Just let it go.
Linkara: B-but it just doesn't add up!
The Spoony One: Just keep telling yourself it's Uwe Boll, man.
[He then does some breathing exercises]
The Spoony One: It's Uwe Boll. In, it's Uwe Boll. Out.

Linkara: This movie is driving me crazy!
The Spoony One: Oh come on, Linkara, you gotta calm down now. Remember what we talked about. Uwe Boll. In out, Uwe Boll.
[Linkara can't take it anymore]
[He then punches Spoony in the face]
The Spoony One: [Holding his face] Oww! Oh crap!
Linkara: [Calmer] Ah, that did make me feel better, actually.

Nostalgia Critic, Linkara: Is that Meat Loaf?
The Spoony One: Yep.
Linkara: Wearing a 19th century powdered wig?
The Spoony One: Yep.
Nostalgia Critic: Surrounded by whores and giving a performance more over-the-top than a kabuki pole vaulter?
The Spoony One: Yep.
Nostalgia Critic: Oh my god!
Linkara: This is comedy overload!
Nostalgia Critic: We need time to get all our jokes together! Pen, paper!
[Spoony hands the pens and paper. The guys start writing their own jokes and giggling along with them]
Nostalgia Critic: We'll be right back! We just need time to get all these jokes out and organized!
[Cut to commercial break]

"Atop the Fourth Wall: Spider-Man and the Fantastic Four in... Brain Drain! (#4.8)" (2011)
Linkara: My God, it's like this writer has never even heard of the Fantastic Four! Who wrote this thing?
[sees name]
Linkara: Tom DeFalco? Former Marvel editor in-chef Tom DeFalco?
[the review crashes]

Linkara: The teachers overhear Doom's plan and decide they need to help the five heroes. They start by distracting Doom by...
Teacher: Oh Doomsie! Gaze upon my radiant beauty and despair!
Linkara: [bursts out laughing] Okay, that's made this whole thing worth it.

Linkara: You know, I might need to double check, but I'm pretty sure Dr. Doom has officially conquered the earth at least twice, and now he's being defeated by rubber band balls. Words fail me.

Linkara: They don't even try to be subtle about the product placement either. This comic would have you believe that the only thing standing in the way of millions of children going stupid is OfficeMax. I noticed they also forgot another important little factoid about that: that teachers often have to pay for those supplies out of pocket!

Linkara: Sometimes I wish I owned a copy of One More Day just so I could throw it against a wall.

Linkara: And yes, in fact, as we see, the rubber band balls were crucial for this entire operation. Thank God there was an OfficeMax around the corner. If this had been Office Depot, we would've been royally screwed.

Mister Fantastic: You stay here and we'll handle Doom.
Linkara: [stares] Why the hell did you bring them along if they're not gonna do anything?
Spider-Man: You have to give those teachers extra credit. They obviously care about their students.
Linkara: Yeah, they care a little too much about these specific students. This is going into stalker territory, not legitimately concerned.

Mister Fantastic: I am afraid Doom's machine drained their minds of everything you've ever taught them. But there's a solution, and it depends on you.
Teacher #1: That's right, we're teachers.
Teacher #2: We'll help them regain their lost knowledge!
Teacher #3: That's who we are and what we do!
Linkara: Better start with how to use a toilet.

Linkara: Dr. Linksano, for the moment, has agreed not to try and take over the world, thanks to being pacified with a junior chemistry playset. That'll keep him busy for a few months.

Teacher: Can't we help find Dr. Doom?
Linkara: No. No, you really can't.
Other Teacher: I'm sure my trusty laptop "Big Blue" can assist.
Linkara: No, it can't! You're in the flippin' Baxter Building. Reed Richards is a scientific genius with better equipment than just a laptop. You're of no help here! Go back home and teach kids math problems. You're not crimebusters.
Invisible Woman: Of course you can lend a hand.
Linkara: We needed someone to clean the breakroom.

Mister Fantastic: Wow! OfficeMax has it all. We'll have problem finding Doom with all these school supplies.
Linkara: Okay, I take it back. Reed Richards isn't a genius, he's actually a complete moron.

Dr. Doom: Think of it! Now that I have possession of all the wisdom and facts these students have learned in school, there will be no limit to my power!
Linkara: Uh, yes there will be! The wisdom and facts you speak of come from freakin' high school students or younger. What exactly is useful in that, or do you need a high school girl's knowledge of gel pens?

"Atop the Fourth Wall: Sonic Live (#3.38)" (2010)
Linkara: [all singing] Welcome to Atop the Fourth Wall.
Nostalgia Critic: Where bad comics burn.
Nostalgia Chick: Linkara's gonna teach you all.
Cold Guy: A lesson you won't learn.
The Spoony One: Brodsky, you're not the smartest.
C.R.: Liefeld, you're not an artist.
Iron Liz: Anyone who's had a bad comic published.
Mike J: It could be your turn.
90s Kid: Linkara!
JesuOtaku: He is a man. Punch!

Sad Panda: Linkara.
Rollo T: Rock'n roll.
The Cat: Insano.
Skitch: Fellow in a tux.
Pollo the Robot: Linkara.
Linkara: This comic sucks...
Linkara, Iron Liz: Linkara!

Linkara: Sonic proceeds to grab the kids and defy physics a little by running down the side of the missile silo. Decidedly nonsensical, but admittingly awesome.

Sonic: Now that we're in the control room, we're gonna have to make like instant archeologists.
Jessie: I don't understand, Sonic.
Linkara: I don't think any of us do, frankly. What the hell?
Sonic: There's a countdown underway, Jessie.
Linkara: Which makes them archeologists? Sonic, your jokes are worse than mine.

Dr. Robotnik: That blasted hedgehog seemingly came from nowhere. But what if he didn't? What if he came... from THERE?
Linkara: Yes, there. That random, wavy glittery thing that wasn't there a second ago.
Dr. Robotnik: From somewhere through a transdimensional portal, which I believe that to be.
Linkara: Um, why do you believe that? And how did you realize that it was a transdimensional portal? Hello? Did anybody look at the script before they started drawing everything?

Sonic: So what's the deal, schlemiel? Even you couldn't come up with this setup yourself.
Linkara: Why the hell couldn't he? He seemed to be doing just fine with robots and castles and missiles and mind-control helmets back on Mobius.

Steve: You did it, Sonic!
Jessie: Nobody does it better.
Linkara: Oh, I get it. Jessie is actually a young Carly Simon.

Linkara: It'd be like if I suddenly had access to the technology of Power Rangers and Star Trek without any kind of explanation of how I did.
[as he holds up his phaser and one of his morphers; realizing what he's holding]
Linkara: OK, moving on.

Linkara: [imitating Robotnik] I'll make them play Sonic 2006, I'm that twisted!

Linkara: It's so real, that you'll think you're part of the adventure! It's so real, that you'll be wetting yourself in fear!

Linkara: [monotone] All are one in Darkseid.

Linkara: Hello and welcome to Atop the Fourth Wall's hundredth episode! What's that? You don't care about that, you wanna know what's up with the wall?

"Atop the Fourth Wall: New Kids on the Block #4 (#3.51)" (2010)
Linkara: Ho-Man costumes? There are so many inappropriate jokes.

Linkara: I have no idea who you are and yet I hate you already.

Linkara: "Let's fly, like Santa." Santa doesn't fly!
[sees picture of Superman with a long white beard]
Linkara: That does not count!

Linkara: Apparently, according to this comic, becoming blind makes you unable to realize when you're being hit on.

Linkara: "I didn't know Count Dracula was into Christmas." What is wrong with your brain? It's not like it's some old spooky castle. I'd kill to live in a place like that!

Linkara: Why are you talking? Every time you talk you only prove why you shouldn't.

Linkara: This comic is actually an anthology book meaning that there are even more stories with the New Kids. Next up is Strictly Unconventional, where the New Kids on the Block go to a New Kids on the Block annual fan club convention. Yes, I am serious here. Why do I get the feeling that the artists' alley is full of nothing but yowee slash art of the New Kids members?

Linkara: Only a science major could create a New Kids on the Block toenail analyzer.

"Atop the Fourth Wall: Gameboy #1 (#4.25)" (2011)
Linkara: Also at the bottom is a bar that indicates that this is the Nintendo Comics System. Okay, Nintendo, we get it: Nintendo Entertainment System. You don't have to label everything a system. After all, you didn't name the product you're shilling here, "The Gameboy Entertainment System," now did you?

Linkara: We open on a close-up of somebody's Gameboy as they play Super Mario Land. For some reason I'm really hungry right now for a Hershey bar.
[notes the blatant product placement]

Linkara: There's some narration on top: "look around you."
[Linkara literally looks around]
Linkara: Oh I get it, trying to misdirect us so we won't notice how stupid this comic is, huh?

Manager: Did they hurt you, Herman?
Herman: Well they would have if it hadn't fought them off.
Linkara: There were twenty of them, and they kept yelling about how they like the Atari Linx more. I went Kung-Tendo on their asses!

Herman: There's no law and order anymore.
Linkara: Oh come on, Criminal Intent and Special Victims Unit are still on.

Linkara: [Herman steals another Gameboy] What are you going to do with two? Use a link cable between them and play a fighting game so you can feel good about beating yourself? Then again, a guy with such a great personality as yours is probably used to beating yourself.

Linkara: Kid, you're like 15 and you live in New York, grow a pair.

Linkara: This comic sucks, but it's so much fun in its stupidity.

"Atop the Fourth Wall: Superman #701 (#5.16)" (2012)
Editor: This is nuts. You can't make a story about a guy walking down a street.
Linkara: Preemptedly trying to stop the nay-sayers of this concept, JMS? I would just like to point out that a reporter CAN make a story out of that. They can make a story out of anything, because news is just identifying what's going on.

Linkara: And thus, Superman fixes up the storeroom in less than a second. Again, I like it because it again shows that no problem is beneath him. Even though he only did it so he could afford a sandwich.

Linkara: And naturally, since this is an area that even the police fear, we see that there are a bunch of kids nearby. In the street, at night, near the crack houses. Good parenting.

Linkara: Superman, defender of truth, justice and arson.

Linkara: [Superman has simultaneously set ablaze a bunch of drug dealers' stashes] So forgiving for a moment how really, really illegal this is, how does Superman follow this up? Well, a kid walks up to him and offers him some candy.
Superman: Thanks. When they come out, will you give them a message for me?
Kid: Sure.
Linkara: What?
Superman: Tell them I plan to come back every few weeks. I'll do it again and again until they leave.
Linkara: Superman... you've just gotten that kid killed! Are you out of your freakin' mind? No, really, are you insane? You just torched the stashes of these drug dealers. When they get out, they're gonna be pissed! And they're going to see that you're no longer standing there. What they're going to see is a little kid who tells them, "Superman said he's going to come back every once and a while, you evil drug dealer poopy-heads." And then they're going to beat this kid into a pulp, and assuming he's not dead from that, they will kill him and leave him there as a message not to mess with them. Why the hell don't you stand and wait for them to come out and frighten them off? You're not exactly in a hurry here. You could be patient! What the hell is wrong with you?

Superman: [to Felicity, who plans to jump off a building] Because you're right, it's not fair. John Lennon is dead and Moammar Kadaffi is still alive. J.F.K. is dead and Castro is alive. Gandhi is dead but Manson keeps hanging in there. It's not fair.
Linkara: You suck at this, Superman. Seriously, that's your advice? That's what you say to a woman who's pouring her heart out about the unfairness of life and who is contemplating suicide? "Yup, life sucks, whatcha gonna do?" For crying out loud, News Radio and Crocodile Dundee handled this better, and those were comedies.

Felicity: After I buried my mom, I stood there after everyone else had left, and I thought, is this it? I mean, is this all there is? Working in a cubicle six days a week until I'm too old to do it anymore, then I die? Is that it?
Linkara: Hey, there's more to it than that. There's... Yu-Gi-Oh cards, and hoping that someday we'll have another good Star Trek series, and... um... oh, sewing. Some people like sewing.

Officer: Hey, question for you. Would you really have let her fall?
Superman: Good night, Officer.
Linkara: No! No, he wouldn't. At least not a properly-written Superman. Superman ALWAYS chooses life. The mere implication that he would have let her die is so horrible, and completely out of character for him. Especially in light of all the people who died at the conclusion of the New Krypton arc. Go to hell, Comic! Go. To. Hell!

"The Nostalgia Critic: Superman IV (#2.46)" (2009)
Linkara: You know, if you're gonna pick apart all the plot holes, we're gonna be here all day.

Nostalgia Critic: So if they're willing to give up their nukes, why the hell do they need Superman in the first place?
Linkara: Good PR.
Nostalgia Critic: Oh.

Linkara: Yes, much like the comics that inspired this piece of crap, nuclear power does whatever the hell the writer wants it to do. It should also be pointed out that although this single strand of Superman's hair is strong enough to lift up to 1000 pounds, it can be cut with a simple hedge clipper.

Linkara: Wasn't there a nuclear war looming on the horizon? Come to think of it, why was there a war to begin with?
Nostalgia Critic: Because the summit failed.
Linkara: Summits fail all the time, that doesn't guarantee war.
Nostalgia Critic: [points gun at him; in southern drawl] We don't take kindly to logic in these here parts, boy. Now get back to watchin' Clark Kent actin' like an idiot.

Superman: There will be peace when the people of the world want it so badly that their governments will have little choice but to give it to them.
Nostalgia Critic, Linkara: OH!
Nostalgia Critic: I see, we just didn't want peace bad enough.
Linkara: Of course, it all makes sense. Peace doesn't come about through economic interdependence or the spread of similar ideals, it's just wanting it

Nostalgia Critic: Physics take a back seat to mediocre special effects that you'd more likely see in one of Linkara's videos.
Linkara: Hey!
Nostalgia Critic: Get over it, comic geek. Your special effects suck.
Linkara: Bat credit card.
Nostalgia Critic: [screams] BAT CREDIT CARD!
[goes insane]
Linkara: He's the Nostalgia Critic, he remembers it so you don't have to.

Linkara: [impersonating the Nostalgia Critic] Hello, I'm The Nostalgia Critic; I remember it, so you don't have to. Did you know the Superman films have a parallel history to the Batman movies? "Superman" the movie was the first attempt to portray Superman in a serious light. The tagline was: "You'll Believe a Man Can Fly!" And that's exactly what director Richard Donner intended to do: convince the audience that the man they were seeing on screen could actually fly. But the price of this idea came too high for its producers, so Donner was booted off the franchise during "Superman II"'s production and replaced with Richard Lester. In "Superman III", more emphasis was put on comedy and Richard Pryor was even brought in. And boy, did it suck balls, but not nearly as much as the cinematic abomination I have to review today. Welcome to "Superman IV: The Quest for Peace", where we learn that wars aren't caused by differing ideologies, power-hungry dictators, or economic necessities. No, it's all because of nuclear weapons. Just nuclear weapons and the EVIL people who profit from them. And boy, am I not looking forward to this one bi...
[suddenly, static appears in the video and cuts to the real Nostalgia Critic, who glowers silently at Linkara]
Linkara: Oh, uh, uh, hi, Nostalgia Critic! Oh, I, uh, bet you're wondering what I'm... what I'm doing here.
[starts to take off his hat and tie]
Linkara: Well, see here, the thing is that, I review comic books and... and you review movies, and...
[the Critic pulls a gun on Linkara]
Linkara: And I figure if I was gonna review a comic book movie...
[the Critic cocks his gun]
Linkara: Yeah, I'll just quit right here.
Nostalgia Critic: Oh, no, you don't! You started this dumbass review, we're gonna finish it! But first, GET OUT OF THOSE CLOTHES!
[he fires his gun at Linkara]
Linkara: What the...? How did you...
Nostalgia Critic: OUT!
Linkara: [running off] I'm going, I'm going!
Nostalgia Critic: [putting gun away] Good.

"Atop the Fourth Wall: Batman: A Word to the Wise (#5.22)" (2012)
Linkara: You have a magic gun? Where'd you purchase that?

Batman: It's okay, kid, I can't fly either.
Linkara: Unlike that stupid Superman... I'm not jealous or anything!

Linkara: The Joker's plan is insane, but then again, what can you expect from the crazy guy? It's always nice to see the Joker like this: psychotic, yes, but not to some extremes that some writers make him out to be, where he'll be downright sadistic. He should be scary, yes, but also funny and playful.

Batman: Didn't you see all the signs?
Linkara: Didn't it open up your eyes, you saw the sign? No one's gonna drag you up to get into the light where you belong.

Linkara: The inside cover of the comic does invite kids to join the Zeddy's Cub Club and get free milk and cookies. Aw gee wilikers, I get to be taught how to read AND get free milk and cookies? Boy howdy!

"Atop the Fourth Wall: Marville #1 (#5.1)" (2012)
Linkara: You know, I've said it before, but I've never meant it as literally as I do now, the future is dumb.

Linkara: This comic sucks! Now I know what some of you are thinking, was this comic really all that bad? YES! A thousand times yes!

Linkara: A thief suddenly runs in and grabs the bag of money with a "zoink" sound effect. How the hell did Alan Greenspan not notice the guy running around with a baseball bat? And where the hell is bank security?

Alan Greenspan: [to KalAOL, after a thief stole a bag of money] You idiot. Now the bank lost one hundred million dollars.
Linkara: Gee, maybe it's a BAD idea to keep one hundred million dollars in a big sack with a dollar sign on it as if this were a freakin' Looney Tunes cartoon!

Linkara: Oh hey, I just noticed, there's a meteor heading for the scalper's head... Okay. Why?

"Atop the Fourth Wall: Bimbos in Time #1 (#2.50)" (2009)
Linkara: And she's the niece of Sherlock Holmes!... Wait, does that mean Mycroft Holmes had a daughter?... Why am I thinking about this?

Linkara: And I am the walrus, koo koo ka-choo!

Linkara: I'm only on page FOUR. This comic is FORTY-EIGHT PAGES LONG. Expect a lot of crying in this episode.

Linkara: I had a dog named Ashley once.

Narrator: Meanwhile, at the Bimbo headquarters in Old Chicago...
Linkara: I could really go for some Old Chicago right about now. Yes, they've got beer.

"Atop the Fourth Wall: Top 15 Comics I'll Never Review (#3.37)" (2010)
Linkara: But wait, the Internet cried back, let me tell you about the horror that is called Sonichu. Yes, people, I have heard of Sonichu. I really wish I hadn't heard of Sonichu. I would be a much happier man if I haven't. Sonichu is some bizarre web comic put out by a guy named Christian Weston Chandler, or Chris Chan for short, that is some freakish hybrid of Sonic and Pikachu. The guy is a creepy stalker who apparently also suffers from autism and severe emotional problems. Even then, I can't be certain of any factual authenticity about that. I don't want to review this crap because I don't want to give it any attention. I want this guy and his creepy self-incertion, fanfic/fan-art to go into some dark corner of the internet and just let it disappear.

Spirit of the Internet: In order to appease us, you must review... Sonichu.
Linkara: No!
Spirit of the Internet: Okay then, I guess you just have to review a Sonic comic.
Linkara: Oh, okay.

Linkara: I'm not paying a hundred bucks for porn! I have the internet, dangit!

Linkara: Boner. Boner boner. Boner boning a boner. Boner boner. Erect penis.

"Atop the Fourth Wall: JLA: Act of God - Part 1 (#3.17)" (2010)
Linkara: At the bar of Guy Gardner, former Green Lantern, then former superhero called Warrior...
Ultimate Warrior: Load the spaceship with the rocket fuel, load it with the words!
Linkara: Dammit, not that Warrior!

Linkara: Maybe I'll put salami on my sandwich... and maybe not.

Linkara: Maxi-extreme ultra normal.

Linkara: Oh, what, now you decide to pipe up?
Continuity Alarm: [via text] You switched me off before the review. I'm back, baby!

To Boldly Flee (2012) (V)
Linkara: What do I review, Paw?
Paw: [looks around him] Lamps?

The Nostalgia Critic: Okay... I lied a few times. And I know I've mad some mistakes in the past.
8-Bit Mickey: Thousands.
The Nostalgia Critic: And some times, I've led you into danger.
Phelous: Always.
The Nostalgia Critic: But, at least I had the best intentions in mind.
JewWario: Yours.
The Nostalgia Critic: And things have always turned out okay.
8-Bit Mickey, Phelous, JewWario, Luke Mochrie, Film Brain, MarzGurl, Linkara, Obscurus Lupa, Sad Panda: NEVER!

Linkara: just don't know, Paw. You want to take my spaceship to go investigate some beeps in space?
Paw: It's not just beeps in space! The government's trying to cover it up! I tried calling NASA about this, but they treated me like I was crazy.
Linkara: What'd you tell them?
Paw: That I'm an internet reviewer who needs a spaceship
Linkara: Sounds sane to me.

Paw: You're the only reviewer I know who has a spaceship. Where'd you get that thing anyway?
Linkara: Oh, it's explained in my videos... You *have* watched my videos, right Paw?
Paw: ...Course I do.
Linkara: Then tell me, what's Mechakara?
Paw: Jambi's magic words?
Linkara: It's my psychotic robot double! How does my theme song go?
Paw: Um... "I met you on a Thursday..."
Linkara: [angry] What do I review, Paw?
Paw: Lamps?
Linkara: Goodbye, Paw.

"Atop the Fourth Wall: Lady Gaga #1 (#4.15)" (2011)
Linkara: MTV is showing music videos? Since when?

Linkara: Hey, Norman Bates called; he said you're really kind of a weirdo.

Linkara: This is the stuff of serial killers, people!

Linkara: To every GLBTQ individual in the entire world, I apologize for this comic.

"Atop the Fourth Wall: Action Comics #593 (#3.36)" (2010)
Linkara: Oh goody, an exploitation Superman porno movie. This is like something the Cinema Snob should be reviewing.
Cinema Snob: My Snob sense is tingling.

Bums: Garbage! More garbage!
Linkara: Uh, let's see... Identity Crisis, Amazons Attack, Ultimates 3...

Linkara: Barda then asks Supes why he stopped her from killing Sleez.
Superman: I'm afraid I can't really give you an answer on that one.
Linkara: Wow, Supes, you're a big help.

"Atop the Fourth Wall: Batman: Fortunate Son (#2.35)" (2009)
Batman: Pigs... from a gun!
Linkara: What the Funk 'n Wagnall does that mean? Oh, from "I Am the Walrus"? Why is he randomly quoting... Oh, screw it!

Robin: I mean wasn't there a lot of great punk coming out when you were a...
Batman: Punk! Punk is nothing but death... and crime... and the rage of a beast!
[Linkara bursts out laughing]
Linkara: OK, we gotta hear that again!
Batman: Punk is nothing but death... and crime... and the rage of a beast!
Linkara: I mean how do you even get away with writing like that? Just wow!

Linkara: Yes, risking people's lives because you're an asshole is cool. No wonder I don't connect to the young people today.

"Atop the Fourth Wall: NBComics #1 (#4.33)" (2011)
Nick McClary: Who are your Saturday morning favorites, kids?
Linkara: Not you, that's for sure.

Atom Ant: Roaches like garbage, so here's a whole truck full.
Linkara: Wow, Atom Ant is kind of a dick. First of all, he's throwing a garbage truck at this cockroach, no doubt intending to murder it. Secondly, garbagemen provide a necessary and useful service to people and you're treating their truck like it's... well... garbage, and tossing it around without regard for the safety of whoever's inside of it, or the property itself.

Linkara: The noise the magic glove makes is "Kablooie." Who'd have thought explosions were in fact magic?

"The Nostalgia Critic: TGWTG Team Brawl, 1st Anniversary Video (#2.20)" (2009)
The Angry Video Game Nerd: A toy gun. What are you, some kind of idiot?
Linkara: I'm not an idiot... I AM A MAN!
[fires gun, which knocks off Kyle Justin's hat]
The Angry Video Game Nerd: ...the fuck did you do that?
Linkara: It's magic, BITCH!

Linkara: [AVGN and Kyle are kicking Nostalgia Critic] Hold it! Let the wussy go.
Nostalgia Critic: Hey, I will not let you talk about Nostalgia Chick that way.

Linkara: I am a man!
MarzGurl: So am I!
Linkara: Huh?
MarzGurl: Gotcha! Panty power!
[punches Linkara in the gut]

"Atop the Fourth Wall: Rock and Roll #31: Vanilla Ice (#5.32)" (2012)
Linkara: Probably the most confusing of all about this thing is that Vanilla Ice was a rapper, but this has him appearing in something called "Rock and Roll Comics." I guess Batman came to their offices one day and insisted they start supporting other musical styles besides rock and roll, or he'd beat them all up.

Young Vanilla Ice: Well, at least broken families are cooler than middle class families.
Linkara: Kid, you're an idiot.

Linkara: Wait, wait, wait, music videos played on MTV? What new spore of madness is this?

"Atop the Fourth Wall: Twilight Zone #9 (#4.37)" (2011)
Linkara: [reads disclaimer on comic] "With spectacular 3-D segment!" Oh goody, I look forward to my eyes being hurt and not being able to comprehend what the hell is going on.

Linkara: [as narrator] "That is, until she wanders into... The Twilight Zone."
[as himself]
Linkara: She was subsequently kicked out of The Twilight Zone when she couldn't afford the entrance fee.

Linkara: Jenkins, meanwhile is attacked by... a giant mechanical spider... with lasers.
Rod Serling: Submitted for your approval, giant robotic spiders with lasers attached to them.
[looks at his cigarette]
Rod Serling: What the hell is in this thing anyway?

"The Nostalgia Critic: Kickassia Part 6: All the Really Bad Shit Happens (#3.26)" (2010)
Linkara: Good shooting, Joe, except for the fact that you missed. Fire again!

Linkara: Critic, you magnificent bastard, I READ YOUR BOOK!

Nostalgia Chick: I am the new ruler of Kickassia, and there's gonna be some new rules around here.
[laughs maniacally]
Cinema Snob: [takes hat from her] Excuse me, but it was my insight that overthrew this government. So I think it should be I taking over as acting president.
[laughs maniacally]
Linkara: [takes hat from him] Bad news, I'm afraid. Since I'm the one who orchestrated this operation, it's obviously I who should be president.
[laughs maniacally]

"The Nostalgia Critic: Star Trek: Insurrection (#5.6)" (2012)
Nostalgia Critic: Well, let's see what's on television.
[clicks remote. TV reveals Linkara in Starfleet uniform. Kill Bill theme plays in background. Linkara makes angry look, Critic is terrified]
Linkara: Hello, Critic. Start the review.
Nostalgia Critic: [Critic cries for a few seconds] Last time in the good Star Trek movie...
[60's Batman music begins playing as clips from Star Trek: First Contact is recapped]

Nostalgia Critic: [unamused] And now we've come to the final film of Star Trek Month, "Star Trek: Insurrection," with "special guest star": Linkara...
Linkara: Hello, adoring fans! I've come all the way here on my spaceship to talk to you about the most HATED of all Star Trek films!
Nostalgia Critic: Wait a minute, THIS is the most hated? I thought it was like the first one or five that was the most despised.
Linkara: That may be the case with other fans, but for me personally, THIS is my least favorite out of the entire franchise. So you need ME here or else you'll screw this review up like you've done so many times before!
Nostalgia Critic: What? When have I ever screwed something up?
Linkara: [pulls out stack of papers; reads] In your "Battlefield: Earth" review, you said that the Psychos never have explosions on their planet... when that's NOT what they said in the movie! It was that the air they breathed reacted violently to radiation!
Nostalgia Critic: My God... you're defending "Battlefield: Earth?"
Linkara: No, I'm pointing out the fact that you can never get details right! So we're gonna do this together so it gets done CORRECTLY!

Linkara: [about the "no technology" philosophy of the Baku] I'm sorry, but I'm not behind this. At least not the way these pompous jerks are flaunting it. First of all: you have machines! We saw your irrigation lines, you idiots! And those clothes look pretty damn well-tailored for a group of people that don't have the ability to manufacture them properly. Second: this movie builds this place up like it's paradise, Eden, or perfection; however, their philosophy is the exact OPPOSITE of what "Star Trek" stands for! "Star Trek," in the end, is about how advanced technology has done us so much good, how it allows us to do so many great things, and that the future will be a bright one because, partially, we want for nothing. THIS movie, however, tells us we need to get "back to nature" and be smug, hippie jackasses who reject technology and machines in favor of being so inbred that we don't believe in any other colors for our clothes except brown!
Nostalgia Critic: Yikes, Linkara...
Linkara: I'm sorry, but I really hate these people! They piss me off!
Nostalgia Critic: What, do you hate Amish people, too?
Linkara: No, THEY hate ME. But at least the Amish have religious reasons for rejecting technology. THESE guys are just dumb! WE SEE THEM USING TOOLS! And in the end, what is technology but just advanced tools?
Nostalgia Critic: Well, on the bright side, at least we don't have to deal with them any longer...
Linkara: [cuts in] ... They're the focus of the movie...!
Nostalgia Critic: Fuck!

"The History of Power Rangers: Power Rangers Wild Force (#1.11)" (2010)
Linkara: Seriously Mr. Narrator, who the hell are you?

Linkara: His CGI was toxic to nature!

Linkara: Sewer systems hadn't been invented yet, but the animal/human peace was what was important.

"Atop the Fourth Wall: Adventures of the Kool-Aid Man #1 (#2.41)" (2009)
Linkara: The Kool-Aid Man sees you when you're sleeping.
[leans in closer]
Linkara: The Kool-Aid Man sees you in your nightmares.

Linkara: The Kool-Aid Man is NOT cool.

Linkara: [opening line] WHY? Why make a comic about the Kool-Aid Man?

"Atop the Fourth Wall: Countdown: Part 2 (#2.30)" (2009)
Linkara: Damn you, Phantasm, we just had a 'previously on' segment a few weeks ago! Why are we doing another one?

Film Brain: Equilibrium is brilliant and Wimmer is God!
Linkara: My God! Film Brian, they've gotten to you!
Film Brain: Hey, it's Film Brain!
[evil laugh]

Linkara: You're not taking over my show, Continuity Alarm. You just stay back. Stay back!

"Atop the Fourth Wall: Daredevil #306 (#2.16)" (2009)
Linkara: Get this, Marz Gurl, this time I'M breaking up with YOU!
MarzGurl: Huh. Whatever, I got passion panties, bitch!

Linkara: Oh my god! TV Tropes used one of my quotes!

Nostalgia Chick: Alright, so you've found my secret identity.
[Ties her hair]
Nostalgia Chick: That's right. I'm the Nostalgia Chick!
Linkara: But... but how did you... what the... but... with the bowtie and the... what... how are you...? WHAT? Cry woe, destruction and decay, the worst is death. And death will have his day. I should have known, it was you who was the secret manipulator behind it all: beeeaaaar!

Atop the Fourth Wall: The Movie (2015)
Mechakara: I shall paint these walls with your blood!
Linkara: Yeah?
[pulls the trigger on his magic gun]
Linkara: Fuck you, too.

Cinema Snob: [after everyone else is assigned a job] Hey! What have you got for me, Chief?
Linkara: Cinema Snob... Uh... You're... You're the comic relief.
Cinema Snob: Can do, Sugar Tits!
[walks off camera]
Cinema Snob: I'm hilarious.

"Atop the Fourth Wall: Action Comics #1 (#3.46)" (2010)
Linkara: That son of a bitch wants America to oppose Hitler! Stop him Superman!

Superman: [voiced by Linkara] You're not fighting a woman now...
Linkara: ...Because I AM A MAN!
[punches then pulls Iron Liz out onto the couch]
Linkara: Liz, where the heck did you come from?
Iron Liz: [bewildered] I don't know.

"The History of Power Rangers: Power Rangers Turbo (#1.6)" (2010)
Linkara: Tommy begins to be lowered into the pit of sorrows. I imagine it's watching this season on a continuous loop.

Linkara: his should've been the team graduating to the next level, dealing with the harsh world of adulthood as metaphor for growing threats and more dangerous adversaries. The stakes should've been higher, the audience should've grown along with the characters, and the characters develop to their fullest. Instead, we've got a friggin' twelve-year-old driving around in a supercar, the Rangers tossing the keys to their weapons over to a bunch of untested newbies, our wise leader and quirky-but-intelligent robot buddy replaced with a woman pretending to be deep and her jive-talking faux-street robot, intergalactic empires with armies of deadly soldiers replaced with a woman whose mask doesn't fit right in a submarine along with her incompetent nephew, and her tendency to whine every five seconds because she doesn't have the good sense to set her damn explosives for thirty seconds instead of an hour, AND WE HAVE A POLICE LIEUTENANT RUNNING A FREAKIN' JUICE BAR!

"Atop the Fourth Wall: Strange Adventures #136 (#3.9)" (2010)
Linkara: And this is why you don't screw with the past, dim-wits!

Linkara: They do somehow return to their own time, well actually, they arrive in the year 25,000 instead of the year 125,000 because... um... the Kool-Aid Man is red.

"Atop the Fourth Wall: 2001: A Space Odyssey #2 (#7.24)" (2014)
Linkara: She went on a trip across centuries from caves to eternity? Hope she brought a lunch.

Linkara: If a monolith talks to a hungry cavewoman near some volcanoes, does it make a sound?

"Atop the Fourth Wall: Kamandi at Earth's End #3 (#6.1)" (2013)
Linkara: Oh yeah, you did a great job of "saving him." I especially liked the part where you didn't save him at all, they managed to get away on their own, and then you nuked New Jersey.

Linkara: Yeah, it wasn't the apocalypse that killed them, they'd just been waiting on the runway for too long.

"Atop the Fourth Wall: AT4W & Spoony: Experiment Warrior #2 and #3" (2010)
Linkara: Because as you know, Mr. Anderson, it is purpose that created us.
Dr. Insano: Purpose that connects us.
Nostalgia Chick: Purpose that pulls us.
Benzaie: That guides us.
Bargo: That drives us.
LordKat: That defines.
Bennett the Sage: It is purpose that binds us.
Linkara: We're here because of you, Mr. Anderson, we're here to take from you-
[looks around]
Linkara: Wait, where the hell did you all come from?

The Spoony One: [as Nostalgia Chick] Yeah, the slow ass route. Hey, do I look weird to you?
Linkara: [as MarzGurl] No, just as masculine as ever.
[Spoony, still as Nostalgia Chick, promptly fondles "herself" then feels "her" face]

"Atop the Fourth Wall: Countdown: Part 1 (#2.29)" (2009)
Linkara: So begins Triplicate Girl and Karate Kid travelling around trying to find a cure for his disease. Wait a second, I just realized something. These two are running around looking for a cure. Bob the Monitor's group is running around looking for Ray Palmer. Jimmy Olsen and Forager are running around looking for the New God killer. Trickster and Piper are running around looking for a way out of their handcuffs. They should have just called this series Running Around Looking for Crap!

Linkara: Physics!

"The History of Power Rangers: Power Rangers Ninja Storm (#2.1)" (2011)
Linkara: Anyone else looking at the color-coded Ninja academy uniforms and seeing Slifer Red, Obelisk Blue, and Ra Yellow?

[repeated line]
Linkara: Because... uh... I have no idea

"Atop the Fourth Wall: Superman's Christmas Adventure (#5.49)" (2012)
Superman: Wake up, James. You're coming with me.
Linkara: [Superman theme plays as the Superman logo appears in the middle of the screen. Voice echoing] Superman: Defender of truth! Guardian of justice! Kidnapper of children!

Superman: So, James Daniels is dissatisfied with his stack of toys, eh? Well, there must something I can do about that.
Linkara: [Superman theme plays as the Superman logo appears in the middle of the screen. Voice echoing] Superman: Bully of ungrateful children!
[Normal voice]
Linkara: I mean seriously, what the hell, dude? Are you gonna do this with every child who's an asshole over his Christmas present? No wonder writers later had you struggle with a god complex.

"Atop the Fourth Wall: Frank Miller's Holy Terror (#7.26)" (2014)
Linkara: Oh, and look, the giant ridiculous knife from the first cover actually is in the book. Natalie Stack picks it up and swings it at a terrorist, hitting with such force and accuracy that it decapitates one. A terrorist who apparently had wrappings around his entire head except his eyes and mouth. These... these really are mummies, aren't they? My god, we've... we've had it wrong the whole time. Frank Miller isn't racist or islamophobic or bigoted. He's trying to inform us of the true evil, the darkest force that is trying to destroy modern-day America with its army of mummies: ANCIENT EGYPT!
[Imperial March plays over the image of the pyramids]

Linkara: You know, I sometimes get asked why Camelot of all films is my favorite movie. And the reason is because it actually changed my life, or at least focused my beliefs into something that was a good solid foundation for a personal philosophy. Those who have power should use it to do good, that violence is not strength, compassion is not weakness, that revenge is utterly pointless. Superheroes are basically the equivalent of modern day knights errant, they go out and help people and fight injustices. But a lot of the best superhero comics are the ones not actually about superheroes hitting supervillains or each other, anything like that. It's the ones that show that superheroes are about kindness and decency and something far more noble than the adolescent power fantasies that people often critique them as. I think I hate this comic more than any other I've ever reviewed, because it is the complete antithesis of everything I believe in. Holy Terror says that you should be unkind, it says you shouldn't trust people, it says compassion will be repaid with violence, and that violence can only be answered with more violence, and that violence is strength. That hurting others is not only enjoyable and desirable, but that it should be employed first when dealing with threats. It says that if you have power, you should lord that power over others and do harm to them. It says that revenge is a worthy cause. It treats women as either victims or enemies, and don't assume Natalie Stack is immune to this criticism, trust me, the book ain't over yet. It tells us we should fear the other, the foreigner, the dark-skinned, the religion that's not your own. And you know what the damndest thing of all is? I am honest to God afraid of terrorism. Terrorism is real. There are people out there who want to kill me either because I'm from a different country or just because they're some angry misanthrope with a gun. That applies to both foreign and domestic terrorists. Terrorism is about making someone so afraid that they'll do what you tell them to. And the grand message of Frank Miller's Holy Terror is: Be afraid. Be terrified. And let's give in to that fear. And embrace every dark, sick and inhuman part of our souls as a result, and do everything to them that they will do to us. Frank... you must be so proud.

"The History of Power Rangers: Power Rangers in Space (#1.7)" (2010)
Linkara: But this isn't the last we see from Darkonda, because it turns out he has extra lives... Yeah, he has extra lives. I wonder if he also has a save file he can load from.

Linkara: They remove Psycho Yellow from the Megazord by using the anti-virus technique of hitting it with a sword.

"Atop the Fourth Wall: Wolverine: Adamantium Rage (#2.20)" (2009)
Linkara: Wait a second!... You're That Chick With The Goggles!
Dr. Insano: ...I'm not fricking black!
Linkara: But you are a woman?

[repeated line]
Linkara: Admantium rage!

"The History of Power Rangers: Power Rangers Lightspeed Rescue (#1.9)" (2010)
Linkara: Melee weapons that become guns are fricking awesome! And no, gunblades do not count since it's not a gun that transforms into a sword, it's a sword whose hilt is shaped like a gun, which is stupid.

Linkara: Thank God! We'll be saved by Clark Kent, The Pink Punk, Mega Porn Stash Man, The Mighty Crossdresser and Elderly Woman!

"The Cinema Snob: Cinema Snob Atop the Fourth Wall: Bimbos B.C." (2011)
Linkara: Ever think the characters on our shows are kinda weird?
Cinema Snob: Yes.

Linkara: Space Lancer Steve?
Cinema Snob: What're you looking at me for? He was your fucking idea.

"Atop the Fourth Wall: Spider-Man: One More Day - 200th Episode (#5.31)" (2012)
Linkara: Allow me to share a revelation I've just had. For all of his bluster about "with great power comes great responsibility," Peter Parker is one of the most irresponsible superheroes ever. He never learns from his mistakes, never takes into consideration how his life as Spider-Man affects everybody else. Now some would say that's the core concept of the character, the constant struggle between the mask and the man. But he never actually gives any consideration to the man, preferring to make excuses about it. He disappoints people around him all the time because something more important was happening as Spider-Man. But instead of finding a way to balance his two lives properly, he will go out of his way to make excuses for it and be sad that being Spider-Man hurt his personal life. If he places more importance on being Spider-Man, then he should distance himself from relationships that would hurt that. If he places more emphasis on being Peter Parker, he needs to sacrifice his time as Spider-Man. Now that's not always going to be the case for everyone in the real world. But Peter never actually changes as a result of his actions. He just makes the same mistakes over and over. During a story line called "The Other" when Peter was dying from an untraceable condition, this was also written by JMS by the way, he admits that he doesn't even have life insurance. Peter has never made a plan about what would happen to his family if he were killed by a super-villain. He's never thought about the repurcussions of his life if he should be maimed or killed while wearing the costume, to his wife or to his constantly dying aunt. In a recent issue of "Avengers Academy," a group of teenage superheroes thought of several ways he could have capitalized on being Spider-Man without revealing his identity to anyone. Now admittedly, he was just a young, dumb teenager when he started out and didn't think of those things. But Peter is and has been an adult for decades now. Forget about whether you like Spidey being married or not, the character himself still seems to operate like he's in high school, never growing up, never seems to recognize adult relationships, and never actually taking responsibility for his life and the choices he's made. This is one of the reasons I decided to finally review One More Day. The deal with Mephisto is symptomatic of a bigger problem for the character and the people who write him. The unwillingness for the character to become an adult. He's supposed to be roughly 25 years old at the time of this story, maybe closer to 30. And yet he repeatedly approaches his problems like a 16-year-old would and is never actually prepared to act like a mature adult. I've made several jokes in the last 200 episodes about how Peter Parker's life is an endless spiral of shame and misery, what with his friends and loved ones dying all around him or becoming super-villains because of his life as Spider-Man and I mean it. The truth is that if Peter Parker actually cared about taking responsibility for his actions, he would have given up being Spider-Man a looong time ago. But hey, maybe that's just the reasoning of a jaded individual looking at this stupid-ass comic in hindsight. Of course I don't want Peter Parker to stop being Spider-Man. What I want is for him to be written like a goddamn adult already! But the writers and Marvel editorial seem to steadfastly refuse to let that happen. Spider-Man is just escapist fantasy to them. The reason why they don't think there's drama in marriage is because marriage is an aspect of real life and they don't want the escapism of Peter Parker swinging through the air and stopping bad guys being infected with the drama of things that people have to endure in the real world. And that's just hilarious since Spider-Man is supposed to be the character who does face the real-life challenges of the world. That was what made his character so appealing to begin with: His ability to relate to the reader. But the truth is that the reader has grown up. The reader got married, has kids, have relatives that die and they have to move on. The reader changed but Peter Parker has not. You know there was a rumor that Marvel was doing its own reboot to compete with the one DC did last year. They're not of course. They're just releasing a whole bunch of new number ones, but you know what? Maybe they should reboot Spider-Man. After all, if the creative teams are unwilling to let him get out of his high school life, then why the hell isn't he still there?

Linkara: You're seriously doing this, aren't you? Are you kidding me? Seriously, look at this again,
Linkara: [reading in character] "You know why guys like me get into games like that? Because there's something missing."
Linkara: And then we have,
Linkara: [reading in character] "Because things didn't plan out like they were supposed to. So we go someplace else."
Linkara: This frickin' comic just said the reason people play video games and enjoy escapist fiction is because they're losers who want something more with their lives.
Linkara: I don't know if it was Joe Quesada or JMS who wrote this, but considering JMS's body of work concerning speculative fiction and the fact that issues 3 and 4 for One More Day were heavily rewritten, I think it's fair to assume that Joe Quesasda wrote this.
Linkara: In which case, I have something to say!
Linkara: [shouting] You insulting, patronizing dickhead! How dare you! How dare you insult video game creators and players! How dare you criticize people for enjoying escapist fiction when frickin' superhero comics are escapist fiction!
Linkara: If JMS wrote this, then those remarks can go to him. Either way, this scene is another reason why I finally decided to talk about this story.
Linkara: Forget about the deal with the devil, I am shocked that nobody ever talks about this! That's what this thing is saying! You buy our crap because you're a loser, so keep buying our crap, loser!

"Atop the Fourth Wall: Steam Wars (#8.23)" (2015)
Linkara: I know this may come as a surprise to people, but I'm just not interested. Because, believe it or not, people can just be not interested in something. Except for this show, which everyone should be interested in.

Linkara: Just look at this badass. I wanna cosplay as him.

"Atop the Fourth Wall: Spider-Man: Power and Responsibility (#5.43)" (2012)
Spider-Man: I hate Peter Parker!
Linkara: That's funny, so do the Spider-Man writers.

Spider-Man: This is all starting to sound like a bad comic book plot.
Linkara: That's because it is!

"Movie Nights: Evil Dead II (#3.29)" (2012)
Linkara: Add up everything you've ever done and what do you got to show for it? Jack and shit. Jack left town.

Linkara: You're not as funny as I am. You're not as funny as the Nostalgia Critic, and he's DEAD.

"Atop the Fourth Wall: Eminem and the Punisher #1 (#4.26)" (2011)
Linkara: What the hell is a coney dog?

Linkara: The Punisher blows up their car, giving us a nice shot of Barricuda's ass cleavage. Thank you, that was very necessary.

"Atop the Fourth Wall: Mickey Mantle #2 (#2.40)" (2009)
Linkara: Mickey gets married and I don't care.

Linkara: Where have you gone, Joe DiMaggio? Our nation turns its lonely eyes to YOU... woo-woo-woo.

"Atop the Fourth Wall: April Fools Triple Feature" (2011)
Linkara: You know, after 100+ episodes, I think I finally figured out what direction to take the show. I'll be right back.
Iratekara: [Linkara, dressed in a green button down shirt and no hat] Alright, comic gurus, let's dig into Mighty and Morphing Power Rangers Number 1.

Linkara: It's a bear!

"Atop the Fourth Wall: Happy Days #2 (#6.4)" (2013)
Linkara: And speaking of bizarre oddities like the missing Chuck Cunningham, gaze upon Richie's shirt. The plaid never changes its direction or angle. It's always the same plaid. Look into it everyone and you stare into the infinite abyss. There is no beginning... no end. Just... the plaid.

Linkara: This comic can sit on it!

"Atop the Fourth Wall: Amazing Spider-Man: Skating on Thin Ice #1 (#3.33)" (2010)
Linkara: Just as I suspected, petrified urinal cakes.

"The History of Power Rangers: Power Rangers Lost Galaxy (#1.8)" (2010)
Linkara: Wow, Power Rangers takes Science and beat it with an aluminium bat.

"Atop the Fourth Wall: All-Star Batman and Robin #6 (#6.26)" (2013)
Linkara: [screaming] This goddamn comic goddamn sucks!

"Atop the Fourth Wall: Batman: Jazz #3 (#8.10)" (2015)
Koko: Be-bop killed Blue Byrd!
Linkara: And Rocksteady helped!

"Atop the Fourth Wall: Avengers Assemble Featuring Captain Citrus #1 (#8.18)" (2015)
Linkara: Does anyone really want green orange products? I mean, besides Ecto Cooler?

"The History of Power Rangers: Power Rangers Dino Thunder: Part II (#2.3)" (2011)
Linkara: Is he the green ranger? The white ranger? The red ranger? The black ranger?... He's none! He's Tommy Oliver first and being Tommy Oliver had to be what he lived for.

"Atop the Fourth Wall: Tandy Computer Whiz Kids: The Answer to a Riddle (#5.38)" (2012)
Holokara: Look at you dumbasses. Do you really think you had a shot here? There is not a single person here who can stop me. Hell, there is not a single person on Earth who can stop what I have begun.
[shot fires from off camera]
Linkara: [standing in the doorway, holding his magic gun] Oh, I dunno. 'Think I might know a guy.

"Atop the Fourth Wall: The Next 15 Screw-Ups of Atop the Fourth Wall (#5.53)" (2012)
Linkara: And now it's time to dig out this old chestnut: Comic history you don't care about but probably need to know in order to understand this. We've talked before about the speculator boom in the early 90's and all the horrible things done to comics related to that.
90's Kid: [Nirvana music plays in background] Holo-foil covers, more collectible-edition comics, trading cards and GUNNNNNS!

"Atop the Fourth Wall: KISS Comics (#4.9)" (2011)
Linkara: Yeah! Because I prefer the parents of the girl I'm sweet on to be flaming homosexuals!

"Atop the Fourth Wall: Power Rangers Zeo #1 (#4.3)" (2011)
Iron Liz: Who the Hell are you?
Judas Liz: [laughs] Don't you recognize me, dear? It's me, Judas Liz.
[attacks Iron Liz]
Judas Liz: Just... DIE. There should be only ONE in this universe!
Linkara: [pointing a gun to Judas Liz's head] How about two for one?
[Judas Liz teleports out]

"Atop the Fourth Wall: Maximum Cloneage (#2.45)" (2009)
Linkara: Gee, it's almost as if the villainous, psychotic, manipulative, crazy-green-scientist-man who calls himself 'The Jackal' was lying or something. Who would've guessed?

"Atop the Fourth Wall: Captain Electron #1 (#5.29)" (2012)
Linkara: Zongor prepares to shoot Zapp. However...
Kool-Aid Man: [plays over an image of Captain Electron smashing through a wall] Oh, yeah!

"Atop the Fourth Wall: Star Trek: The Motion Picture: Parts 1-3 (#4.16)" (2011)
Linkara: Meanwhile, Spock takes the thruster suit out and starts transmitting to the Enterprise what he plans. Kirk decides to go after him on his own. Unfortunately as soon as he goes out, he's attacked by a swarm of pyramids. Pyramids? Damn it all! V'ger is clearly responsible for the evil that is ANCIENT EGYPT!
[Imperial March plays over an image of the pyramids]

"The Nostalgia Critic: The Room (#3.34)" (2010)
Linkara: Don't do it, Critic! There's still time!
Nostalgia Critic: Linkara?
Linkara: You don't wanna sit through "The Room"! It sucks out your mind and replaces it with stupid!
Nostalgia Critic: Dammit Linkara! I made a promise to get through this film and by God I'm gonna keep it!
Linkara: You're mad, Critic. Mad!
Nostalgia Critic: Be gone!
Linkara: Okay.

"Atop the Fourth Wall: Catwoman: Guardian of Gotham #2 (#5.35)" (2012)
Batman: You... witch!
Linkara: What, you have no problem exploiting the female body to bend over and show off underwear at every opportunity, but suddenly "bitch" is too much? For crying out loud, I don't say some of the more colorful four-letter words around here, but I'll still say bitch!

"Atop the Fourth Wall: Batman: Noel (#5.52)" (2012)
Batman: You should be going to jail tonight. Consider yourself lucky that you make a better piece of live bait rather than JAILbait.
Linkara: Uh... Bruce? You wanna rephrase that? Or was that your intention to infer that he isn't an attractive 17-year old girl?

"Atop the Fourth Wall: SCI-Spy #5 (#7.14)" (2014)
Linkara: I had my fill of creepy sex last week.

"Atop the Fourth Wall: Youngblood #5/Star Wars 3-D #1 (#6.6)" (2013)
Linkara: I think by now, you should know how I feel about Youngblood. In case you don't, it sucks! You can yell until you're blue in the face about how the concept of a proactive superhero team that has merchandising and appears on talk shows and are celebrities and crap is such a wonderful idea, and it's just the execution that fails, but in the end, it doesn't change that Youngblood sucks! You can tell me about the runs from Alan Moore or the revived series from 2011, and that's great if they really are good, but it just keeps bringing me back to the question of why the hell anyone would want to do anything with this series when there is so much frigid' baggage with it! Look, my rant against the X-Men in my Next 15 Screw-Ups was half joking. I don't hate the X-Men and there are plenty of bad stories out there that have nothing to do with them, and there are great runs on the X-Men books. But Youngblood is a team that does not deserve all the hard work of creators! It's a bunch of unmemorable ripoff characters, growling and gritting teeth, and saying really stupid things, and squinting and doing exaggerated poses and all that crap! Let Youngblood die, already! Just let it die! Rob Liefeld does not deserve the amount of loyalty that he somehow has engendered! What's that? Rob Liefeld is really enthusiastic about the industry and is really an awesome guy if you know him in person, and loves comics and everything about the medium? Yeah, well, I'm really enthusiastic about the medium, but no one says that I should be drawing comic books! Rob Liefeld can't write! Rob Liefeld can't draw! Rob Liefeld can't create! And don't go telling me about how he created Deadpool and Cable! One-he didn't create Deadpool! He created some boring-ass mercenary who spoke in yellow-colored speech bubbles! Nobody would give a damn about him if not for the work of everybody else but him! And as for Cable, most of my knowledge of the character comes from the animated series, but even if Cable really is all that awesome and iconic a character, well, congratulations. You have found one, all of one character that Rob Liefeld created that's actually good, except a good creator is capable of making more than just one good character! Liefeld, on the other hand, settles on inventing 60,000 characters, and none of them are good! But to cite that Deadpool example again, is he really the one who created him if everything about the character that people like that was done by others? You show me a Rob Liefeld character that people like, and I'll show you the other creators who are responsible for you liking him. The point is, companies, stop giving him work! Consumers, stop buying things with his name on it! And my fans, stop telling me about movies that are supposedly being made with his characters! Ooh, a Godyssey movie! I'm sure I'll see that NEVER, because not a single movie that Rob Liefeld's characters have been developed for has actually ever been made! And don't bring up "Not Deadpool" in the Wolverine movie! I should not have to explain that again - Deadpool's not really his character, that wasn't really Deadpool, and he wasn't the main character of the damn movie!

"Atop the Fourth Wall: Comic Book Quickies #1 (#6.21)" (2013)
Spider-Man: Just as I thought, a chip off the old block.
Linkara: Oh come on, Spidey, that one's pushing it.
Spider-Man: Looks like your game is up. Time to cash in your chips.
Linkara: Enough with the microchip puns!
Human Computer: I'm just a chip who loves chocolatey Hostess cup cakes.
Linkara: Was this originally an ad for potato chips? What the hell?

"Atop the Fourth Wall: Top 15 Personal Favorite Jokes of AT4W (#4.52)" (2011)
Linkara: I AM THE GODDAMN BATMAN which is nothing but death, and crime, and the ADAMANTIUM RAGE! of a Bees. My God. It just raises too much logic in what he says. Of course! Don't you know anything about poor literacy, you Magnificent Bastard I read your BOOK!

"Atop the Fourth Wall: All-Star Batman and Robin #5 (#6.5)" (2013)
Alfred Pennyworth: [read by Linkara] He was always an adventurer, Bruce was. Always jumping and running and giving himself a proper banging.
Linkara: He was banging himself?
[brief pause]
Linkara: I guess Batman does train to be the best at everything.

"Atop the Fourth Wall: Top 15 Worst Comics I've Reviewed (#7.52)" (2014)
Linkara: I don't burn out, I set more things on fire.

"Atop the Fourth Wall: Care Bears #13 (#4.5)" (2011)
Linkara: The weatherman can hear them through the TV? Can the Care Bears hear everything?
[leans towards the camera]
Linkara: Are you watching me, Care Bears?

"Atop the Fourth Wall: Kamandi at Earth's End #6 (#7.36)" (2014)
Linkara: Why would anyone want to see Superman's boobs?

"The Nostalgia Critic: Turbo: A Power Rangers Movie (#6.22)" (2013)
Nostalgia Critic: It doesn't matter if you show how goofy or campy or silly it was, because that's what people liked about it to begin with. It's like Ninja Turtles or He-Man or Transformers or something like that. Yeah it was stupid, but I still think fondly of it because it was my childhood escape. I didn't enjoy Power Rangers, but it wasn't meant for me. It was for a younger generation of people to look back and enjoy how preposterously over-the-top it was. Get the picture?
Rita Repulsa: No! I will continue to show the picture to the world, tormenting everybody who watches it!
Nostalgia Critic: How the hell am I gonna stop her from forcing everybody to watch this movie? I mean if somebody who really hated the show couldn't stop it, then... That's it. Green Ranger, go!
[the Green Ranger teleports into the cockpit and removes his helmet to reveal Linkara]
Linkara: So why do they give up their Zeo Powers? There's nothing wrong with them, they just switched out from Zeo to Turbo! So everytime that Rita throws her staff down, does she just, like, magic it back up everytime or is there like a big, long fishing line and she just pulls it back up really really hard?
Rita Repulsa: No! It's too geeky! It's too geeky!
Linkara: What the hell is up with that? How is Rita an Empress of Evil if it turns out Lord Zedd is actually higher up in the food chain? And how is he an Emperor of Evil if there's actually a guy who's higher up even than him?
Rita Repulsa: No!
Nostalgia Critic: Thanks, Linkara. You saved the day with your disturbed obsession.
Linkara: How the hell bad is the economy of Angel Grove considering they have an abandoned warehouse district that always seems to be destroyed? It must be a huge freaking area!
[Linkara is teleported out before he can finish ranting]

"Movie Nights: Power Rangers: Alpha's Magical Christmas" (2013)
Obscurus Lupa: How did he eat cookies?
Linkara: Why did he eat cookies?

"The Nostalgia Critic: The Next Top 11 Nostalgia Critic Fuckups (#3.43)" (2010)
Nostalgia Critic: But needless to say, it was Linkara's fault! That's right. Don't believe me? Take a look at this video apology he made earlier this week.
Linkara: [being impersonated by Critic] Hello, I'm Linkara, and I totally fucked up. Sorry. I feel like an ass.
Nostalgia Critic: Oh, Linkara, you don't have to be so hard on yourself.
Linkara: No, really, it was totally my fault. I should have known not to upset someone as powerful and handsome as you.
Nostalgia Critic: Oh, Linkara, are you saying that I'm so physically attractive that I'm turning you gay right now?
Linkara: Yes. Yes, I am.
Nostalgia Critic: I... don't know what to say. I'm just speechless.
Linkara: Bat credit card.
Nostalgia Critic: A BAT CREDIT CARD?
[fires his gun and flips out]

"Atop the Fourth Wall: Superman: For the Animals #1 (#7.19)" (2014)
Linkara: I'm not an asshole! Well, okay, I'm kind of an asshole.

"Atop the Fourth Wall: Superman Meets the Quik Bunny (#4.18)" (2011)
Weather Wizard: Nobody's ever tipped over the Washington Monument before! I'll go down in history!
Linkara: That is such an idiotic thing to say that I really have no jokes sufficient enough to counter it.

"Atop the Fourth Wall: The Justice League: Cry for Justice #3 and #4 (#4.2)" (2011)
Linkara: Dear God, I just wanna slam my face into this book repeatedly in the hopes that some of my own brain will merge with it and make it less dumb.

"Atop the Fourth Wall: Mr T and the T-Force #1 (#2.4)" (2009)
[repeated line]
Linkara: [as Mr. T] It's a crack baby, foo!

"Atop the Fourth Wall: Star Trek Voyager: Elite Force (#3.34)" (2010)
Linkara: I am Captain Linkara of the USS... uh...
[looks around]
Linkara: ... Green Futon!

"Atop the Fourth Wall: Superman at Earth's End (#1.9)" (2008)
Linkara: Let this be a lesson, kids-when debating, solve your disagreements not with words, but by screaming I AM A MAN!, and punching them in the guts.

"Atop the Fourth Wall: Energy and Safety with the Justice League (#8.5)" (2015)
Linkara: So, I'm getting mixed messages. Do we want to set children on fire or not?

"Atop the Fourth Wall: Action Comics #592 (#3.35)" (2010)
Superman: [has just rescued Big Barda from Sleez] You have me at a disadvantage, miss. I don't think I know you, unless you're Wonder Woman under all that glop.
Linkara: Excuse me?
Superman: Unless you're Wonder Woman under all that glop.
Linkara: Up yours, you sanctimonious prick! The woman has held hostage for two days, doing God knows what, and the first thing you say to her is about her heavy make-up; which sounds like a veiled insult to her looking like a prostitute? Seriously, go to hell!

"Atop the Fourth Wall: Scarlett #1 (#3.2)" (2010)
Narrator: Manhattan after midnight.
Linkara: Comic creators do realize there are places outside of New York, right?

"Atop the Fourth Wall: Youngblood #1 (#2.21)" (2009)
[repeated line]
Linkara: Physics!

"Atop the Fourth Wall: New Guardians #2 (#2.22)" (2009)
Linkara: [reading narration caption] "Life is hard, then you die." I'm pretty sure there's some stuff in between there actually.

"Atop the Fourth Wall: Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (#3.53)" (2010)
Linkara: And yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus Conquers The Martians comic!

"Atop the Fourth Wall: Top 15 Worst Heroes Becoming Villains (#2.14)" (2009)
Linkara: I'm Linkara, I read it and I wish I hadn't!
[walks off screen. Comes back]
Linkara: And no, that's not gonna become a new catchphrase!

"The Nostalgia Critic: Full House (#2.23)" (2009)
Danny: [to D.J] But you've still got me.
Stephanie: You've got me too.
Nostalgia Critic: And me.
Linkara: And me.
Benzaie: And me.
That Chick with the Goggles: And me.
Angry Joe: And me.

"Atop the Fourth Wall: Marville #5 (#6.29)" (2013)
Linkara: I would set this comic on fire, right now, if I wasn't afraid that I would breathe in the fumes and grow dumber as a result!

"Atop the Fourth Wall: Countdown Prologue (#2.27)" (2009)
[repeated line]
Linkara: Should we do something? We should do something.

"Atop the Fourth Wall: The Others #1 and Brute Force #1 (#3.32)" (2010)
Linkara: Does Flipper need to choke a bitch?

"Atop the Fourth Wall: Marville #4 (#6.7)" (2013)
Linkara: Bill Jemas... you make science cry.

"The History of Power Rangers: Mighty Morphin' Season One (#1.2)" (2010)
Linkara: Are you supposed to be joking? Five overbearing and overemotional humans? Yeah... those are traits that make for great superheroes. Has someone changed the water filter in your tube lately?

"Atop the Fourth Wall: Top 15 WTF Moments in Comics (#1.4)" (2008)
Linkara: And so he upgrades his rig into a technologically advanced super-rig with radars and weapons and the like. But the most patently ridiculous part of this is the remote control he has for his truck that's inside of a silver dollar. And next he'll teach us how to put a TV remote inside of a quarter! Or how about a gun inside of a nickel?

"Atop the Fourth Wall: Amazons Attack #3 and #4 (#2.11)" (2009)
Linkara: Okay, folks, this is my robot, Pollo. He's going to finish the review for me, because really, I can't take this anymore.
Pollo the Robot: Alright, so then Wonder Woman...
[shorts out]
Pollo the Robot: knickknackpattywhackgiveadogabone.
Linkara: Aw son of a... even robots can't handle this thing!

"Atop the Fourth Wall: Mightily Murdered Power Ringers #1 (#4.34)" (2011)
Linkara: The group gathers at the juice bar when suddenly a giant foot slams down on them. Oh my God, it's Monty Python! They've come to save us with some real comedy!