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Quotes for
Yancy Derringer (Character)
from "Yancy Derringer" (1958)

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"Yancy Derringer: Return to New Orleans (#1.1)" (1958)
[first lines]
Yancy Derringer: With fear and trembling, I'll bet five hundred.
Harmon Steele: You're very lucky, friend.
George Slocum: I hope it's... just luck.
Charles Hunter: My father always warned me about playing with strangers; nevertheless, I'll call that five and raise you five hundred.
Yancy Derringer: My daddy always said, "Be kind to poor poker players", so I'll just call.
Charles Hunter: What did your daddy tell about a king-high flush?
Yancy Derringer: Well, my daddy always said, "Never send a boy on a man's errand."
[Yancy reveals four aces]
Yancy Derringer: Four bullets.

Yancy Derringer: Gentlemen, you're making it mighty hard to end this game on a friendly note.
Charles Hunter: You take the money, he pulls the trigger.
Yancy Derringer: Well, that would be very foolish.
Charles Hunter: Why?
Yancy Derringer: Because yon aborigine's about to blow you four ways from Sunday. Yes, and at this range, that scattergun has considerable spread. Both barrels would cut all of you off just about pocket high.

Yancy Derringer: Well, it may not have been pleasant, but it sure was fun.
Charles Hunter: I'll see you again.
Yancy Derringer: Fine, fine...
[throws Hunter's knife onto the card table]
Yancy Derringer: And be sure to bring your apple peeler with you. The name is Derringer, Yancy Derringer.

Captain Tom: This heathen with you?
Yancy Derringer: He is not a heathen. He's a fine, clean-cut savage.
Captain Tom: Well, Mr. Hunter's got a iron-clad rule against carryin' injuns.
Yancy Derringer: Well, now he's just changed it. If you're afraid he'll take the hair off of some of your passengers, why not invite him up to the wheelhouse with you. Yeah... you need a haircut!

Amanda Eaton: Yancy!
Yancy Derringer: Eight years have done nothing but to improve the unimprovable.

Amanda Eaton: I want to know about where you've been for the last eight years. Now, come on, tell me everything.
Yancy Derringer: Do you mind if I tell you in a pair of dry britches?
Amanda Eaton: You may use my cabin to preserve your dignity... if you have any left.
Yancy Derringer: Do you think I'll be safe in here?
Amanda Eaton: That's up to you.

Amanda Eaton: Now I want you to tell me where you've been all this time and what's happened to you.
Yancy Derringer: All right. I got shot at Cold Harbor, spent a year in a Yankee prison hospital, escaped, the war was over, went out West to strike it rich, didn't, got your telegram.
Amanda Eaton: The telegram - why, that's it! In John Colton's position, he could have intercepted that telegram.
Yancy Derringer: That's the second time today I've heard Mr. Colton's name.
Amanda Eaton: He's the administrator of New Orleans.
Yancy Derringer: Now what would the Yankee administrator of New Orleans want with a poor old Johnny Reb like me?
Yancy Derringer: He's out to kill you.

Harmon Steele: You live in luck - but this time it's all run out.
Amanda Eaton: Who are you? What do you want?
Harmon Steele: Get out of the way.
Yancy Derringer: Now you better do as the gentleman says, Amanda, or you might get hit with the buckshot, too.
Harmon Steele: Buckshot?
Yancy Derringer: Friend, do you have a feeling that there's someone behind you?
Harmon Steele: There's nobody there.
Yancy Derringer: I'm sure you remember him. He's kind of a big fellow, Pawnee Indian, with a double-barreled shotgun that's right now pointed at the back of your head. Have you ever seen a man that was hit with both barrels? Ah, it's a sad sight. First it knocks him him about ten feet, then they have to mop him up off the deck. It's just awful.
Harmon Steele: Keep away from me.
Yancy Derringer: Now don't you go gettin' nervous, 'cause that Indian is nervous enough and that scatter gun's got hair triggers. Now you just better hand over that pistol because in three seconds you're going to lose all your worries.

Yancy Derringer: Well, I declare - a homecoming party.
Amanda Eaton: Yancy, th-there's something I didn't tell you.
Yancy Derringer: Amanda, there have been so many surprises tonight, let me figure this one all by myself.

Yancy Derringer: This was my home. I was born here and my father before me and my grandfather before him and you turned it into a casino.

John Colton: If you accepted my military escort, this wouldn't have happened.
Amanda Eaton: Let me go!
John Colton: Do you understand now?
Yancy Derringer: Ah, yes. My lady love here wanted to be a two-time widow without having been a one-time wife.

Yancy Derringer: Faithful, true-blue Amanda.
Amanda Eaton: I wish I really were your widow!

John Colton: Since becoming administrator of this city, I've come across a very astonishing fact. From the highest to the lowest places - particularly the lowest - your name is being spoken with the greatest respect.
Yancy Derringer: Well, I've been around the track.
John Colton: I want you to work for me.
Yancy Derringer: I'm a rebel, Mr. Colton.
John Colton: Ex-rebel. The war is over, Mr. Derringer, and these are hard times. New Orleans has become a treasure chest. The fortune hunters of the world are here. I want a man who loves this city, loves the South, who'll work without pay, without portfolio, without protection, as my personal agent.
Yancy Derringer: Sounds like absolutely nothing.
John Colton: I want an angel, a black angel, who'll be on the inside before something happens, a man who'll do anything for law and order, anything and get away with it, because if that man were ever caught, Mr. Derringer, I might be compelled to hang him.
Yancy Derringer: Charming proposition.

Amanda Eaton: Oh, I hate you! You'll pay for this sometime!
Yancy Derringer: That's the way it goes. The lady wanted to be a widow; now she is.

John Colton: Where on earth did you find that Indian?
Yancy Derringer: Oh, Pahoo-Ka-Ta-Wah? You see, he saved me life once. That means he went against fate, therefore he's responsible for my life from now on.
John Colton: Well, that should keep him pretty busy if you accept my offer.

Yancy Derringer: What you want is a rake, a rogue, a scoundrel, a gentleman, a smuggler, a gambler and a fool.
John Colton: Well, Mr. Derringer?
Yancy Derringer: Well, Mr. Colton, I guess I'm your huckleberry.

[last lines]
John Colton: To the South, Mr. Derringer.
Yancy Derringer: No, Mr. Colton, to the Union.


"Yancy Derringer: Collector's Item (#1.25)" (1959)
[first lines]
Yancy Derringer: Willy.
Willy Quill: Hi, Yancy!
Captain Tom: Hello, Yancy.
Yancy Derringer: Tom.
Captain Tom: When did you come aboard?
Yancy Derringer: Cash's Crossing. Had to go down to New Orleans; thought a moonlight ride would be very nice. How's the new boiler?
Captain Tom: Never you mind the new boiler. There's a hot poker game going on in the card room. All blacklegs, but an awful lot of money on the table.
Yancy Derringer: Have to check to see if we can keep some of that money on board.
Captain Tom: That's what I had in mind.

Toby Cook: Hello, rebel.
Yancy Derringer: Toby? Toby Cook.
Toby Cook: That's right. Ah, would you mind pointing that Sharps somewhere else. The last time you pointed that at me, one of the bullets hit me, remember?
Yancy Derringer: I remember.

Yancy Derringer: When did you get out of prison?
Toby Cook: Three days ago.
Yancy Derringer: Did you have to use my boat for your momentous homecoming?
Toby Cook: Yancy, that's only logical. Here you go bust up Gallatin Street, my home velvet touch, you shoot a hole in me, you get me sent to prison - naturally, I got to come home on your boat. I mighta got a chance to sink it.

Toby Cook: Besides, the Sultana's a public carrier. That means you have to give passage even to an ex-convict.
Yancy Derringer: That doesn't mean I have to allow you to fleece my passengers.
Toby Cook: What, the game? Nothing, but blacklegs, gamblers. There's not an honest dealer at that table. Now you wouldn't stop a fellow from making a dishonest dollar would you?
Yancy Derringer: All right, let's join them, but I feel like I'm throwing a lion into a den of Daniels.

Captain Tom: Blast it, Yancy, we'll be late to the levee. We can't stop!
Yancy Derringer: We're stopping. Pahoo...
[Yancy and Pahoo leave the bridge]
Captain Tom: There's darn too many captains on this blasted teakettle.

[Yancy enters the Sultana's card room and discovers the gamblers robbed, bound and gagged]
Yancy Derringer: Toby, I thought you said you could handle these boys.
Toby Cook: The boys gave me no problem, it was the girls that handled me.

Yancy Derringer: Gentlemen, Captain Tom will reimburse you for your losses.
Toby Cook: I hate to be ungracious and say, "Thanks, sucker", so I'll just say thanks.
Yancy Derringer: It's all right, Toby. The Sultana is always willing to reimburse anyone who is robbed aboard her. Even if the bandits were two big, strong girls.
Toby Cook: They weren't very big, but they were very sincere.

John Colton: Yancy, Secret Service reports that Toby Cook has been released from prison and is on his way here.
Toby Cook: I'll see you soon, rebel. Mr. Administrator...
John Colton: Wasn't that...
Yancy Derringer, John Colton: Toby Cook.
John Colton: Then he's already here. I want you to watch him. I don't want another Gallatin Street here, Yancy. Stay very close to him and report if anything happens.
Yancy Derringer: I have a feeling Mr. Cook's going to remain very close to me.

Elsie Tulliver: I feels so very foolish thinking you were a robber.
Yancy Derringer: Robbers shouldn't bother you, Miss Elsie. That's why I came.
Elsie Tulliver: Oh?
Yancy Derringer: I'm looking for two robbers - young, blonde, female. I believe they're living with you.
Elsie Tulliver: You're quite wrong, Yancy.
Yancy Derringer: One of us is.

Elsie Tulliver: Have you ever seen our orphanages?
Yancy Derringer: No.
Jody Barker: I have.
Elsie Tulliver: It's unbelievable. Anyone can claim a child. They take them out and work them to death before they're ten, but I'm seeing that it won't happen to them or any others I can afford.

[Colton is posing for a photograph by Mathew Brady]
Yancy Derringer: I didn't know you considered yourself one of the beauties of New Orleans.

John Colton: Private, arrest that man for destroying evidence.
Yancy Derringer: I'm sorry, Toby.
John Colton: And arrest that man for withholding evidence.
Toby Cook: I'm sorry, Yancy.
Yancy Derringer: This poker game over?
Toby Cook: I guess so. Shall we start another?

[last lines]
Toby Cook: Let's play another hand.
Jailer: But I got no more money. You cleaned me out.
Yancy Derringer: Tell you what, friend jailer. I'll put up all of my money.
Toby Cook: And I'll put up all of my money.
Jailer: What'll I put up?
Yancy Derringer, Toby Cook: The keys!


"Yancy Derringer: Outlaw at Liberty (#1.30)" (1959)
Sally Snow: Last month, the James boys held up a train outside of Liberty. They took an army payroll, they shot the paymaster, killed the conductor. One of the bandits was hit.
Yancy Derringer: I don't see how Wayne got mixed up in that.
Sally Snow: Someone tipped off the sheriff that Wayne was mixed up in it. They found him at home, wounded, with part of the payroll.
Yancy Derringer: Well, how did Wayne get the gunshot wound and the payroll?
Sally Snow: Part of the payroll - a very small part... planted, of course.
Yancy Derringer: You said you knew who planted it.
Sally Snow: I do. It was Jesse James.
Colorado Charlie: That sounds like Jesse all right. He can be the friendliest; he can be the meanest.

Colorado Charlie: Yance, we got us a nervous clock watcher on board.
Sally Snow: Jesse has spies everywhere. He knows you're coming to help.
Yancy Derringer: That's what you meant by danger?
Colorado Charlie: Yance, the train's slowin' down.

[Next to a gallows, Pahoo signs to Yancy]
Sally Snow: What did he say?
Yancy Derringer: He said, "That's the widow with the wooden leg."

Sheriff Peterson: I figure you've come to Liberty to see the hangin', Mr. Derringer.
Yancy Derringer: Not at all - I've come to stop it.

Sheriff Peterson: Are you going to bust him out?
Yancy Derringer: No. I thought I'd replace him with the real killer.
Ike Melton: Who might that be?
Yancy Derringer: Jesse James.

Ike Melton: You're mighty lucky we're not out in Nevada. I'da drawn on you.
Yancy Derringer: You'd have died trying.

Wayne Raven: Yancy, first I've got to tell you - I didn't do it. I'm innocent.
Yancy Derringer: Well, I figured that.
Wayne Raven: Outside of Sally, you're the first one who believes.
Yancy Derringer: Wayne, it's not a question of faith, it's a question of facts.

Wayne Raven: Yancy, have I got a chance?
Yancy Derringer: Even money.

Colorado Charlie: Yancy, this town is scared. There ain't nobody gonna take a deep breath until that Raven boy's heels is kickin' six feet off the ground tomorrow morning.
Yancy Derringer: Nobody's gonna take a deep breath for a long time.

Yancy Derringer: Marshal, this grizzly old bear's Colorado Charlie.
Ike Melton: Howdy.
Yancy Derringer: Marshal, this man's a friend of yours.
Ike Melton: Who are you talkin' about? I never saw him before in my life.
Colorado Charlie: Well, you ain't exactly tellin' the truth, friend.
Yancy Derringer: Well, Charlie, he says that he's Marshal Ike Milton, Virginia City, Nevada.
Colorado Charlie: Does he?
Ike Melton: That's the handle, friend.
Colorado Charlie: Hmm. Now that's funny - last time I bumped up with Ike in the Paiute country, he was older, he was bigger, he was stronger and he was smarter.

Ike Melton: Derringer, your friend here's gonna get it!
Yancy Derringer: He just said you weren't Ike Milton, that's all.
Colorado Charlie: That's all.
Ike Melton: Then who am I?
Colorado Charlie: You're Frank James... Jesse's brother.

[last lines]
Sally Snow: Yancy, there's no possible way we can ever thank you.
Yancy Derringer: Of course there is. Wayne thanked me back at Cold Harbor a long time ago.
Sally Snow: How can I thank you?
Yancy Derringer: Name the first one after me.


"Yancy Derringer: The Quiet Firecracker (#1.32)" (1959)
John Colton: Do your realize the serious nature of the charge against this woman?
Yancy Derringer: I realize that this young woman is incapable of hurting a fly. And if you're going to prove that this woman is smuggling opium, you've got a long way to go.

Yancy Derringer: Mei Ling, you're still in big trouble, but I want you to do something for me. Send a telegram to your Tong cousin, Hon Lee, in San Francisco. Explain to him the plight that you're in and tell him that I'm coming to help you.
Jody Barker: Oh, now wait a minute, Yancy. If his skirts ain't clean, you're beggin' for a hatchet in the head!
Miss Mandarin: My cousin is a most honorable gentleman.
Jody Barker: Honorable enough to stake Yancy's neck on?

Hon Lee: Mr. Derringer, he who knows little lives long.
Yancy Derringer: Yes, and he who quote Chinese proverbs avoids answers.

Yancy Derringer: Oh, by the way, your cousin is alive and well, despite the fact that you neglected to ask.
Hon Lee: My humble apologies.
Yancy Derringer: And she said you were an honorable gentleman.
Hon Lee: Most kind of her.
Yancy Derringer: Well, I'll tell her she's wrong - on both counts.

Blackjack Benson: Look, little fella, let me give you a piece of my mind, 'cause it looks like you need it. If you go back into Chinatown, they're gonna skewer you like a water chestnut and peel you like a lychee nut. Those were Tong men on your trail. What have done to them?
Yancy Derringer: Asked the wrong questions.
Blackjack Benson: A fella doesn't even ask the right ones down there.

Yancy Derringer: You're a liar.
Blackjack Benson: Listen, little fella, I may not always tell the truth, but I never lie.

Yancy Derringer: Is that a poker game over there?
Blackjack Benson: It certainly is. Care to sit in?
Yancy Derringer: It would be my pleasure.
Blackjack Benson: Well, you join 'em and I'll watch to see who palms the aces.

[Yancy is playing in a high-stakes poker game with several ships' captains]
Yancy Derringer: Well, I'll just have to call you, Captain Brown.
Captain Brown: Three little mermaids.
Yancy Derringer: Beats my three nines.
Jessie Belle: How goes the battle, Mr. Derringer?
Yancy Derringer: I'm being scuttled.

[pointing to Blackjack's enormous companion]
Yancy Derringer: Who's that?
Blackjack Benson: Why, that's my baby brother. That's Wee Willie Benson.
Yancy Derringer: Baby brother?
Wee Willie Benson: Nice meeting you alive, Mr. Derringer.

Yancy Derringer: Blackjack, I know you rob stagecoaches between here and the Comstock, but don't you do something else... something that's got more of the air of the truth in it?
Blackjack Benson: Willie and I are special investigators for the Customs Department.

Blackjack Benson: Smuggling in over five tons of opium using the old firecrackers to get their inspection seals, just like you switched those drinks.
Yancy Derringer: [referring to the unconscious Jessie] Oh, she'll just have a bad head.
Blackjack Benson: She's gonna have a stretched neck.

[last lines]
Blackjack Benson: All right, Willie, let's clean up in here. Then Yancy's gonna buy us a drink. Right, little fella?
Yancy Derringer: ...Right.
Blackjack Benson: C'mon, let's move!


"Yancy Derringer: A State of Crisis (#1.29)" (1959)
Yancy Derringer: I'm sorry, gentlemen. I didn't mean to interrupt, but I did want to speak to the administrator.
General Hugh Morgan: At your service, Mr. Derringer. What can I do for you?
Yancy Derringer: Not you, General. I said the administrator.
General Hugh Morgan: You're looking at him.
Yancy Derringer: What?
John Colton: That's right, Yancy. I've been recalled to Washington. From this moment on, General Hugh Morgan is the new administrator of New Orleans.

Yancy Derringer: You're here on business?
Major Alvin: I consider a game of poker very serious business.

[Yancy punches Major Alvin]
General Hugh Morgan: Mr. Derringer, I was under the impression you were a law-abiding citizen.
Yancy Derringer: Mr. Administrator, I don't like your men or your methods.

Yancy Derringer: Major... what is Mr. Barker in for, sir?
Major Alvin: Trying to steal about fifty thousand dollars.
Yancy Derringer: Jody, you didn't.
Jody Barker: I lost my head, Yancy.
Yancy Derringer: Well, next time you stick to picking pockets.
Jody Barker: I was just a weak vessel, Yance, but I never saw so much loot in all my life - bags and bags of long green all piled up. I just couldn't help myself.

[Jody has just picked Major Alvin's pocket]
Yancy Derringer: Jody, what amazes me is how you go about getting by all the buttons on a uniform.
Jody Barker: Oh, Yancy, even an amateur knows a soldier doesn't carry his wallet upstairs. He sticks it in his hip pocket.

[When Alvin reaches for his pistol, Pahoo jams his shotgun against the major's neck ]
Yancy Derringer: That would be a very unhealthy move, Mr. Alvin. Pahoo carries 18 split buckshot in each barrel. It would be a permanent cure for carelessness.

Major Alvin: You remind me, Mr. Derringer, of a small boy walking through the cemetery at night whistling in the dark.
[Yancy shoots the cigar out of Alvin's hand]
Yancy Derringer: And you remind me of a frog trying to blow himself up to twice his size so the big, bad black snake won't swallow it.

Yancy Derringer: The tools of your trade, Mr. Alvin.
Madame Francine: Of what trade?
Yancy Derringer: Well, Mr. Alvin used to be a copyist - a master copyist and engraver. A man is called a copyist if he's engaged in copying inside of the law. They call him a forger when he's engaged in copying outside the law. Mr. Alvin used to be a copyist; now he's a forger.

Yancy Derringer: [to Alvin] You should never leave a piece of your past in your wallet, which obviously you haven't even missed.
Madame Francine: Jody, again?
Yancy Derringer: Well, in this instance you should be proud of him, Francine. He was gathering evidence on the side of the law.
Jody Barker: Gee, I hope Mother never finds out.

Yancy Derringer: Well, Mr. Colton, if you can still read you can see I have been appointed the administrator of New Orleans by the President of the United States.
[Colton tears up Yancy's "appointment letter"]
John Colton: Will you stop playing the fool?
Yancy Derringer: In fact, I've been looking for someone to work for me outside of the law, sort of an underground agent, and I have been seriously considering you for the job.
John Colton: Get out of my chair.

[last lines]
Yancy Derringer: I think I could be persuaded to resign my commission in favor of you. Welcome home, John.
[Colton laughes, shakes hands with Yancy and makes sign with Pahoo]
John Colton: Excuse me a minute.
[Colton opens his office door and finds Madame Francine, Opal and Pearl Girl listening at the keyhole]
John Colton: Madame Francine, I'll have that glass of sherry now.


"Yancy Derringer: The Wayward Warrior (#1.28)" (1959)
Yancy Derringer: You're one of Coco's men?
[the major nods]
Yancy Derringer: Where'd you get the major's uniform?
Major Henry: I'm a major.
Yancy Derringer: That's logical.

Coco LaSalle: The last time you were here, you told me I should never order a man to kiss me. Am I going to have to?
Yancy Derringer: Coco, you're friendly enough, but your companions are looking at me like I was a turkey on a spit.
Coco LaSalle: The boys don't like strangers - you know that. Smile, you cutthroats!

Coco LaSalle: Suppose you and I got married. Would you let me boss you around?
Yancy Derringer: Not as long as I lasted.

John Colton: Mr. Derringer, where the devil have you been? I sent a message to Waverly at noon today saying I wanted to see you urgently.
Yancy Derringer: Mr. Colton, I've had a busy day.
John Colton: In jail, no doubt.
Yancy Derringer: Oh, I only started there. Then I had to go to Frenchman's Island.
John Colton: To visit that pirate wench, Coco?
Yancy Derringer: Mr. Colton, she's the prettiest pirate in these parts, sir.

John Colton: Can you be serious for a minute?
Yancy Derringer: When you're a little more friendly.

[a federal armory has been raided and a thousand repeating rifles have been stolen]
Yancy Derringer: What do you want me to do?
John Colton: Anything - any clue. Who? How?
Yancy Derringer: All right, Mr. Colton. We may get lucky.
John Colton: Yancy, we've got to.

Tennessee Slasher: Professor, look who's here.
Professor Bates: Take it easy, Slasher.
[Yancy pulls his derringer]
Yancy Derringer: Take it very easy, Slasher. Small bullets make big holes.

Tennessee Slasher: I wish it was you I was going to fight.
Yancy Derringer: Go along with your keeper... back to your cage.

Jody Barker: Yance! Here's two thousand dollars I collected on Bourbon Street.
Yancy Derringer: Collected?
Jody Barker: From the cheerful givers.
Yancy Derringer: How much of it is yours?
Jody Barker: Most...

[last lines]
Coco LaSalle: I better be going before the administrator finds that I'm here.
Yancy Derringer: It's not the administrator I'm worried about.
Coco LaSalle: Give me a quick kiss before I go.
[Francine enters the room as Yancy kisses Coco]
Madame Francine: Yancy Derringer!
Coco LaSalle: Watch yourself in the clinches, Yancy! I'll see you on the island.
[Yancy desperately dodges the statuettes that Francine hurls at him]
Yancy Derringer: Francine, I can explain everything! Don't lose your head. Just take it easy. Anybody can make a mistake! What did I do wrong?


"Yancy Derringer: Ticket to Natchez (#1.3)" (1958)
[first lines]
Yancy Derringer: Be at your ease, ma'am. He won't hurt you, Miss...
Billie Jo James: James. Billie Jo James.
Yancy Derringer: Billie Jo James? Isn't that rather boyish?
Billie Jo James: Yes. You see, when I was born, I was so girl-like, daddy tried to tone me down.
Yancy Derringer: Did it work?

John Colton: I hate to take you away from your mischief, but this is an urgent matter of money.
Yancy Derringer: For you, Mr. Colton... or for me?
John Colton: For both of us and this time you can operate inside the law. I hope you don't find it too dull. The fact is I want you to go to Natchez tonight on your boat, the Sultana.
Yancy Derringer: Oh, I hate Natchez. There's an irate father up there with a long memory.

Yancy Derringer: How would you like a drink?
Billie Jo James: I'd love one. I'm as thirsty as a brand new sponge.
Yancy Derringer: Two champagne cocktails, please.
Billie Jo James: And the same for me.

Billie Jo James: Well, bon voyage.
Yancy Derringer: Time will tell.

Yancy Derringer: Would you mind telling me why me and my boat have become so charming so sudden?
Billie Jo James: Well, to tell you the truth...
Yancy Derringer: That would be a change.

Winslow: The safe is the first thing they'll go to.
Yancy Derringer: Well, that makes it more sporting. After all, you're around, I'm around, Pahoo's around...
Winslow: Who?
Yancy Derringer: My Pawnee friend.
Winslow: Can you trust him?
Yancy Derringer: With my life, which I frequently do.

Billie Jo James: Why does he always have to be outside your door?
Yancy Derringer: To keep out little girls like you.
Billie Jo James: You sure it doesn't have anyhting to do with that little black box that the soldiers brought on board?
Yancy Derringer: Oh, that. It's a very sad case - you see, we're burying a midget at sea.

Yancy Derringer: You're a very naughty girl, Dorinda, and because you're naughty, they'll probably make you stand in the corner for about twenty years.
Dorinda Ashton: There must be some mistake.
Yancy Derringer: And you made it.

[with gun blazing, Billie Jo rescues Yancy from two payroll robbers]
Yancy Derringer: Miss James, can you cook, too?

[last lines]
Yancy Derringer: You mean our romance was all a fake?
Billie Jo James: Yes it was - on the way up... but it's a long way back.


"Yancy Derringer: Gallatin Street (#1.2)" (1958)
[first lines]
Yancy Derringer: [narrating] When the steamers are docking in my New Orleans, the levee is one of the busiest places in the world, but at midnight - when the roustabouts are gone and the faint sounds of the river drift with the dark across the empty wharves - the levee can be one of the loneliest spots in the city, filled with silence, moonlight and cutthroats.

Yancy Derringer: Well, good evening, Mr. Colton.
John Colton: I don't see your Indian friend behind you.
Yancy Derringer: Oh, he's not behind me - he's behind you.

John Colton: Yancy, the last time we met, you agreed to go underground for me.
Yancy Derringer: Not for you, Mr. Colton, for New Orleans - you inside the law, me outside the law - same law. It still goes.

John Colton: This Toby - don't tell me he's a friend of yours.
Yancy Derringer: No, but he's one of my best enemies.

[Yancy rescues Captain Larsen from a knife-wielding cutthroat]
Captain Sven Larsen: That man was chasing me. Thank you very much, but I can take care of myself.
Yancy Derringer: When do you start?

Captain Sven Larsen: And who's this one?
Yancy Derringer: My Pawnee friend Wolf Who Stands in Water, Pahoo-Ka-Ta-Wah.
Captain Sven Larsen: Oh, one of them foreigners, huh?
Yancy Derringer: No, his folks were born here quite some time ago.

Yancy Derringer: Well, Captain, if you see Toby Cook at the Jumping Jack, one of four things will happen to you.
Captain Sven Larsen: Yeah, all fun, huh?
Yancy Derringer: Number one: you'll definitely be cheated; two, you may be robbed; three, you might be shanghaied; and four, you'll probably be murdered.
Captain Sven Larsen: Oh, that sounds like a swell place! How do I find it?

Toby Cook: Well, Yancy, how are you?
Yancy Derringer: Poor but proud.

[Yancy shoots Toby, then cocks his pistol again]
Yancy Derringer: I still got another ace, Toby. It's your call!
Toby Cook: No call - this poker game's over.


"Yancy Derringer: Fire on the Frontier (#1.26)" (1959)
Yancy Derringer: Mr. Colton, have you ever noticed the medal Pahoo wears?
John Colton: Yes.
Yancy Derringer: Well, it commemorates the treaty made by the United States and the Pawnee nation, the Table Creek Treaty. It was signed by the Great White Father - President Buchanan in 1857 - and it guaranteed the Pawnee nation the protection of the U.S. Army against the Cheyenne and Arapahoe.
John Colton: Pahoo, listen to me. Go back to your tribe, yes, have them appoint you their spokesman, then go back to Washington; demand your legal rights. Make the War Department protect your people with soldiers as the treaty says.
Yancy Derringer: Exactly what I had in mind.
John Colton: Oh?
Yancy Derringer: I thought you might give us a letter of introduction to the right people.
John Colton: Of course.

Colorado Charlie: You savvy this won't be no picnic for Pahoo. What I mean is feelings run high. There's too many greenhorns that figure the only good Indian is a dead one.
Yancy Derringer: It's up to you and I to civilize 'em.

Train Conductor: This redskin with you?
Yancy Derringer: This gentleman is traveling with us, yes.
Train Conductor: Not on this train, mister. Not first class. We don't carry no hair-raising aborigines with decent folks. He rides in the baggage car with the other animals or he gets thrown off. Those are the rules.
Colorado Charlie: Well now, friend, I gotta couple of rules of my own. One of 'em is a white man with a big fat mouth gets offered the back of my fist!
Yancy Derringer: Charlie! No.
Colorado Charlie: Aw, Yancy, he's got one comin'.
Yancy Derringer: No.
Colorado Charlie: Just a little one.
Yancy Derringer: No.
Colorado Charlie: Not a tooth-breaker.
Yancy Derringer: We're on a peace mission, remember?

[Yancy, Pahoo and Charlie are eating chicken among the poultry cases in the baggage compartment]
Colorado Charlie: What's so humorous, Yance?
Yancy Derringer: I was just thinking of the look on John Colton's face if he could see us associating with these high dignitaries.
Colorado Charlie: That's more than he can say. At least we're among friends.
Yancy Derringer: That's more than the chickens can say.

Yancy Derringer: Well now, old horse, what do we do? Pitch a tent on the White House lawn?
Colorado Charlie: Naw, in civilization there's always one place that's tolerant to aborigines like us. C'mon, I'll show you.
[scene dissolves to a livery stable]

Colorado Charlie: Say, Yance, that fellow you chopped down back there - his name is Dingo, Jack Dingo. I've seen him before.
Yancy Derringer: Where?
Colorado Charlie: Out in Injun territory. You want to buy trouble? He sells it... ammunition, guns, whiskey. Now I wonder what a fellow like that is doin' here in Washington?

[last lines]
John Colton: What are you doing here?
Agatha Colton: I was going to send my regards, but then Yancy persuaded me to bring them along in person.
John Colton: Yancy? You mean you traveled all the way from Washington with him without a chaperone?
Colorado Charlie: Well, now Pahoo was there - and I was there with him.
John Colton: Yancy, you're going to answer to me for this!
Yancy Derringer: Charlie, I'm afraid I'll have to agree with you. I really don't understand how such a beautiful sister could have such a homely brother.
Colorado Charlie: Yeah! Yeah!


"Yancy Derringer: Hell and High Water (#1.20)" (1959)
Yancy Derringer: Take 'em up to the Sultana, Obadiah.
Obadiah: Yes, suh.
Madame Francine: But isn't she on the levee?
Yancy Derringer: No. I moved her at Cabin's Crossing just below Waverly. There's a cove there. It's quiet; she misses the rush of the river. She's safe - it floats.

John Colton: Can you ride a horse?
Yancy Derringer: Mr. Derringer, I rode a horse from Bull Run to Appomattox.
John Colton: Yes, I know - we chased you... part of the way.

Yancy Derringer: [to Pahoo] I want you to go to Waverly and bring us back two horses while I change clothes. We're going to teach the meaning of the word "charity" to a woman named Charity.

Rogue Donovan: Hello, Yancy.
Yancy Derringer: You're looking well.
Rogue Donovan: You too, Yancy, and you're what I came for.
Yancy Derringer: I'm afraid I'm not available.
Rogue Donovan: Oh, you're available, all right.
[Pahoo sticks the barrel of his shotgun against Rogue's neck]
Rogue Donovan: I guess I can wait.

Lady Charity: It's every man for himself!
Yancy Derringer: All right, from now on, you're a man.

[Rogue was shot saving Yancy and Colton]
Yancy Derringer: Why did you do it, Rogue?
Rogue Donovan: It's like your friend said - when you got no place to go but out, you might as well go in style!
John Colton: Bless you, Mr. Donovan.
Rogue Donovan: He never give up, does he, Yancy?

[last lines]
Captain Fry: The evacuees are streaming back into the city.
Yancy Derringer: I have a wonderful idea - let's join them.


"Yancy Derringer: The Saga of Lonesome Jackson (#1.8)" (1958)
[Colton's desk is covered with money]
John Colton: Have a look at this.
Yancy Derringer: I am. In my present financial condition, I've never seen anything so beautiful.
John Colton: Yes you have. It's all bogus!

[Before he starts his investigation, Yancy talks Colton into paying for his dinner]
John Colton: Please see that I get a return on the investment.
Yancy Derringer: I'll save the after-dinner mints for you.

Yancy Derringer: My daddy used to say, "Always go to the aid of people with money. If you're in time, they may reward you; if not you can still go through their pockets before the police arrive."

Lonesome Jackson: What's an Indian like this wandering around the streets of New Orleans?
Yancy Derringer: He loves French cooking.

[Yancy sits in on a poker game with only a small stake]
Lonesome Jackson: Oh Yancy, you ain't much of a plunger. That's just chicken feed.
Yancy Derringer: Don't you know you can get the whole Mississippi River inside a riverboat just by punching one little hole.

[Yancy has lost all the money Colton gave him to play poker with Lonesome Jackson]
Yancy Derringer: Hello, Mr. Colton, can I buy you a drink?
John Colton: With what, Mr. Derringer?
Yancy Derringer: You mean you're broke, too?

[last lines]
Miss Mandarin: Yancy, would you be my guest at the Sandric for a midnight supper?
Yancy Derringer: Your guest? Celestial lady, I'll be your slave.
[Yancy kisses Miss Mandarin's hand]
Miss Mandarin: You and your heathen customs.


"Yancy Derringer: The Gun That Murdered Lincoln (#1.24)" (1959)
Yancey Derringer: I wouldn't stand to close to me tonight. I'm strictly hard luck - it might rub off.
Captain Amos Fry: It already has.
Yancey Derringer: Are you losing, too?
Captain Amos Fry: No, I have orders to place you under arrest.

Yancey Derringer: Mr. Colton, come on in, sit down. There isn't much of a view, but the rats are friendly.

John Colton: The gun that murdered Lincoln...
Yancey Derringer: ...was a .44 calibre single-shot muzzle loading deringer made in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. It's spelled with one "R" - my name is spelled with two. No relation.

John Colton: Did you ever own such a gun?
Yancey Derringer: Yes, two.
John Colton: I see. You'd better tell me about it.
Yancey Derringer: It was a present from my daddy before the war. It was a birthday present. He sent to Philadelphia for them. He said that no well-dressed poker player could fill a flush without them.

Yancey Derringer: I was in and out of Southern Maryland from '63 on, the same time that Booth was there.
John Colton: Then Yardley has a beautiful circumstantial case against you.
Yancey Derringer: It's true, but I have one thing in my favor.
John Colton: What?
Yancey Derringer: You.

Madame Francine: Is there any more trouble you can get into?
Yancey Derringer: Francine, from now on, it's trouble I want to get out of, believe me.
Madame Francine: I wouldn't believe you if you swore on a poker deck.

[last lines]
John Colton: But how did you know?
Yancey Derringer: His voice.
John Colton: Just that?
Yancey Derringer: Mr. Colton, when you're behind enemy lines meeting a spy in the dark, one thing that you never forget is his voice.
John Colton: I don't think he'll forget yours, either.
Madame Francine: Gentlemen, the drinks are on me.
John Colton: Captain Fry, get that man to a hospital - a military hospital.


"Yancy Derringer: An Ace Called Spade (#1.4)" (1958)
John Colton: Hang it all, Yancy, what do you do with a beautiful girl like that?
Yancy Derringer: What would I do?
John Colton: No! What would I do?
Yancy Derringer: Well, I would start with a light lunch, light conversation, light wine and heavy complements; finish with a gay dinner, gay champagne, gay flowers, gay music and threats of suicide if she spurns you. That way she may forget her glove.
John Colton: What does that mean?
Yancy Derringer: That means tomorrow you can return it and start all over again. Sooner or later, something has to give.
John Colton: But suppose she doesn't forget her glove?
Yancy Derringer: Ha! Steal it.

Yancy Derringer: [narrating] The pattern had become more clear. Spade Stuart, champion of The Oaks, had come to our town with a brace of pistols, powder and balls to terminate the career of John Colton in an affair of honor. That's the insidious thing about a duel; there is sometimes no honorable way of avoiding one.

Yancy Derringer: Mr. Colton, be on time for every funeral but your own.

Lavinia Lake: You hurt him!
Yancy Derringer: It's a big improvement over being dead.
Spade Stuart: You better keep you nose out of this, Mr. Derringer. This is an affair of honor.
Yancy Derringer: This is an affair of murder.

Yancy Derringer: Mr. Stuart, did you challenge me? Weren't you the one who says only a full becomes angry; that an angry man challenges and loses the choice of weapons; that an angry man can't shoot very straight?

John Colton: I'll never understand women as long as I live.
Yancy Derringer: Isn't it fascinating trying?

[last lines]
Yancy Derringer: You had better be very careful of the company you keep, Miss Lake, because as you can see sometimes there is no justice.
Lavinia Lake: When will we see you again?
Yancy Derringer: Thirty days?
John Colton: Mm-hmm.


"Yancy Derringer: The Night the Russians Landed (#1.17)" (1959)
Jailer: I thought the Mardi Gras was over, Yancy. Who is this character?
Yancy Derringer: This character is His Highness Grand Duke Alexis of Russia. Your highness, may I present Friend Jailer, keeper of the keys, master of damp walls and crown prince of the calaboose.

Grand Duke Alexis: Yancy, I must be completely incognito. If everyone knows I'm the crown prince, there's too much bowing and scraping. I wish to be introduced as a plain, common, everyday man. I shall be a simple count!
Yancy Derringer: Alexis, I'll make you the simplest count ever to come down the pike.

Yancy Derringer: Now if he wants to play cards...?
Emma aka Katerina: He wins.
Yancy Derringer: And if we wants wine and champagne...?
Goldy: He drinks.
Yancy Derringer: And if we wants pleasant company...?
[Emma and Goldie turn and stare at Pearl Girl]
Pearl Girl: ...I lose.

Goldy: Yancy...
Yancy Derringer: Stop worrying, Goldie. The Grand Duke's safe as long as he's with Colonel Suvoroff.
Goldy: Yeah, but who's safe with the Grand Duke.

John Colton: Yancy, we owe you a lot. This country owes you a lot.
Yancy Derringer: You mean I don't have to go to jail?
John Colton: Well, I'll make an exception this time.

John Colton: Dos Vadanya - what does that mean?
Yancy Derringer: Until we meet again.
John Colton: Oh no, not again! Never again!


"Yancy Derringer: The Fair Freebooter (#1.15)" (1959)
Yancy Derringer: Well! I didn't know pirates lived so well.
Coco LaSalle: It's salvage - things I picked up from the river. They floated right into the cove of Frenchman's Island. Everything from Port Hudson southward floats in here. 'Course, when a boat sinks...
Yancy Derringer: By accident.
Coco LaSalle: Things would be pretty lean if we depended on accidents. We kind of have to give nature a helping hand.

Coco LaSalle: Take your clothes off.
[Yancy raises an eyebrow]
Coco LaSalle: You aren't going to stand around in those wet things, are you?
Yancy Derringer: I'm not going to stand around without them.

Yancy Derringer: You know, you're quite a girl.
Coco LaSalle: Uh-huh.

Yancy Derringer: Coco, you're beautiful.
Coco LaSalle: Me - or the necklace?
Yancy Derringer: You.
Coco LaSalle: All right, then you can kiss me. Now.
Yancy Derringer: You can order men around, but not kisses.
Coco LaSalle: On this island everybody does as I tell 'em.
Yancy Derringer: Coco, If I have to kiss you, it doesn't mean anything. On the other hand...
[Yancy grabs Coco and kisses her passionately]

[Yancy and Coco are dressed to attend a Mardi Gras ball]
Coco LaSalle: Yancy, you sure look pretty.
Yancy Derringer: You look absolutely beautiful. Ready?
Coco LaSalle: No. The truth is I'm kinda scared.
Yancy Derringer: I gave you my word.
Coco LaSalle: It's not that. It's, well, it's being a lady and everything.
Yancy Derringer: Coco, you *are* a lady.

[last lines]
[Yancy and Jody have been thrown into jail]
Yancy Derringer: Oh well, Jody, Mardi Gras is over - it's the beginning of Lent. I have to give up something for Lent; might as well be liberty, eh, Jody?
Jody Barker: To you, I ain't speakin'.


"Yancy Derringer: The Belle from Boston (#1.6)" (1958)
[first lines]
[Yancy and Pahoo gaze out the window at the gallows that will hang Mike Carter]
John Colton: Good morning, Yancy... Pahoo.
Yancy Derringer: Are you going to go through with that?
John Colton: I am.
Yancy Derringer: I think you better read your morning mail first.
[indicates a sign tacked to Cotton's office door that reads, "Last Warning: Don't!"]

John Colton: Are you implying Mike Carter doesn't deserve to swing from a gibbet?
Yancy Derringer: No.
John Colton: Mike Carter is one of the most vicious criminals New Orleans has ever spawned! He's committed ever crime in the book, including the murder of women and children. You're right, hanging's too good for him! He deserves to be boiled alive in oil!

Yancy Derringer: Mr. Colton, you're a brave man. I just hope it runs in the family.

Yancy Derringer: You picked a fine time for your sister to arrive.
John Colton: I didn't know she was coming. The first word I had was when she telegraphed from St. Louis.
Yancy Derringer: It's quite simple. You give her an armed guard; don't let her on the street.
John Colton: You don't know Agatha.
Yancy Derringer: Agatha?
John Colton: That's her name.
John Colton: Yes, I remember - you told me. She looks like you.
John Colton: She has red hair, blue eyes...
Yancy Derringer: And a beard.

John Colton: I am not going to knuckle under to the threats of hoodlums! Yancy, this office represents law. It cannot respect the sap, the dagger, the gun.
Yancy Derringer: Even if it costs you ever relative you possess.

Agatha Colton: Please except this snuffbox. My grandmother gave it to my grandfather the night she proposed to him.
Yancy Derringer: Thank you. Does it have the same significance today?
Agatha Colton: Not yet.


"Yancy Derringer: Three Knaves from New Haven (#1.10)" (1958)
Yancy Derringer: There are three knaves from New Haven, the Devon brothers and a man named Travers...
John Colton: Yes, never mind them. What's this about Duquense Street?
Yancy Derringer: Well, the three knaves are buying all the property from Royal Street to the levee. Now, I smell smoke, Mr. Administrator, and I want you to tell me about the fire.
John Colton: This is a state secret.
Yancy Derringer: Oh, not any more.
John Colton: Is there anything about New Orleans that you don't know, Mr. Derringer?
Yancy Derringer: Well, yes. There's a young lady...

Blair Devon: After all, it is only a pawnshop.
Yancy Derringer: Only a pawnshop? Mr. Devon, it's the last haven of the poor poker player who believed in two pair. It's an institution. I personally shall miss it.

Claude de Graaf: I'm not a superstititous man, and yet...
Yancy Derringer: And yet, what happened to Mr. Arlington and Mr. Spencer?
Blair Devon: Nothing happened to Mr. Spencer. He just left town, that's all.
Yancy Derringer: Face down, by way of the Mississippi, short voyage?

Joshua Devon: Tokens of my solvency. In Connecticut, we say it's money that makes a man.
Yancy Derringer: We put it a different way in New Orleans - it's not money that gives a man his standing, but his name.

Yancy Derringer: It's a curious thing about bullets. In poker, you need only two, preferably three, you dream of four - in life, one takes the trick.


"Yancy Derringer: Thunder on the River (#1.23)" (1959)
Yancy Derringer: You are pushing the Southern Belle pretty hard.
Patricia Tappworth: Scared?
Yancy Derringer: No, ma'am - worried.
Patricia Tappworth: She'll take it.
Yancy Derringer: You realise there have been a series of unexplained accidents on the Mississippi lately.
Patricia Tappworth: The Natchez rammed into a sandbank, the Crescent City blew her boilers, the Paducah burned and the Chauncey L. hit a snag. I'm not a fool.
Yancy Derringer: No, ma'am - foolhardy.

[discussing Emerson's attempts to bribe The O'Hara]
Dan Emerson: Maybe he filled those boilers with sulphuric acid. I never meant fo him to do anything like that. You understand?
Yancy Derringer: I never did understand a stacked deck, Mr. Emerson.
Dan Emerson: I'm telling you this to show you my good faith.
Yancy Derringer: You're telling me this 'cause you're scared stiff.

Yancy Derringer: Captain, I think it might be wise if you checked the cotton market. Find out who's been doing the heaviest trading in cotton for the past two weeks.
Captain Amos Fry: If someone bought when cotton was low and held while these accidents ran the price up, we might have an excellent motive for shipwrecking.
Yancy Derringer: That's right. I'm just curious as a bystander. I'd like to know the results of your investigation.
Captain Amos Fry: I'll let the curious bystander know just as soon as I do.

Patricia Tappworth: I thought you were a gambler. A game of showdown - you win, I give you this mortgage. I win, you give me the Sultana right now just to break the record, then I hand it right back to you.
Yancy Derringer: If you don't blow it up.
Patricia Tappworth: That's the gamble.

[Yancy loses the poker game]
Patricia Tappworth: Unlucky at cards, lucky at love.
Yancy Derringer: Seems I lost on both counts. The Sultana's yours - take good care of her.


"Yancy Derringer: Loot from Richmond (#1.7)" (1958)
John Colton: In three years we've had a hundred tips from a hundred different crackpots for the reward. Their avarice was obvious, their information ridiculous.
Yancy Derringer: Did I hear the word "reward"?
John Colton: Yes - fifty thousand dollars.
Yancy Derringer: Money is one of my hobbies, you know.

John Colton: Your confidence is encouraging but, all the same, good luck along with it.
Yancy Derringer: Not luck, Mr. Colton, prosperity.

Garber: All right, let's go to a funeral.
Yancy Derringer: The general's?
Garber: Yours.

General Orville Stafford: I told your daddy time and time again - you'd never grow up to be anything but a cotton-pickin' rake-hellion like him... and I was right!
Yancy Derringer: Thank you, sir. My daddy would be proud to hear you say those words.

[last lines]
[during the climatic battle, the confederate gold was dropped into the Mississippi River]
Yancy Derringer: Maybe it's just as well. That money was for a cause that's lost. Maybe it's better that it's lost, too.


"Yancy Derringer: A Game of Chance (#1.18)" (1959)
Captain Amos Fry: I want you to tell me everything that happened.
Quade: Well, we were going to the opera when this madman ran out and shot at me and hit her by mistake.
Captain Amos Fry: Why do you say, "He shot at you".
Quade: Well, why on earth would anyone want to shoot an innocent girl like Priscilla? She didn't have an enemy in the world.
Yancy Derringer: She has a hundred thousand dollars.
[the doctor covers Priscilla's face]
Yancy Derringer: She *had* a hundred thousand dollars.

[someone left a baby on Madame Francine's doorstep addressed to Yancy]
Madame Francine: Yancy, you know this is a gentleman's club and...
Yancy Derringer: Francine, he's a boy.

[Dink fires repeatedly at Yancy without effect]
Yancy Derringer: Just blanks, friend.

[Patricia shot Dink in the back as he attempted to jump out the window]
Yancy Derringer: You knew he couldn't get away.
Patricia Lee: I'm sure now.

[last lines]
John Colton: Yancy, my office seems to be in your debt once again. I'm grateful.
Yancy Derringer: [referring to the baby] Well, he's not a very big cause, but he's certainly a worthy one.
Madame Francine: But what's going to become of the little fellow.
Goldy: He's not so badly off, Madame Francine. He's got three godmothers and a godfather.
John Colton: Two.
[Pahoo gestures]
John Colton: Three!
Yancy Derringer: He's the richest little fellow in New Orleans. When he's twenty-one, at six percent interest for 21 years, he's certainly going to be a marvelous catch for some enterprising female.
Pearl Girl: Oh, what a shame.
Madame Francine: What's the matter?
Pearl Girl: By the time he's 21, I'll be too old for him!


"Yancy Derringer: Old Dixie (#1.12)" (1958)
John Colton: Yancy, this is very serious. The plates are missing.
Yancy Derringer: Plates? What plates?
John Colton: Oh, Spinner - he was working on plates for a new hundred dollar greenback. It had been approved by Washington. They're gone.
Yancy Derringer: So is Uncle Henry. I'm going to find the man who had him murdered and when I do, he'd better talk fast and tell me where your plates are... 'cause he isn't going to have much time.

Yancy Derringer: Dixie, you beautiful slobbering beast, where have you been? Who brought him?
Obadiah: Judge Ames brought him.
Yancy Derringer: Well, send him in.
Obadiah: He's a-comin', but he's not as spry as he used to be.
Jerrison Ames: Why, that's a lot of nonsense. Only a silly colt goes along at a full gallop. An old horse walks and covers the whole pasture.

Madame Francine: I found out about the man with the spade cuff-link. I thought you should know.
Yancy Derringer: A man by the name of Dean Salisbury?
Madame Francine: Card shark, thief, riverboat blackleg, fast with a pistol and his pistol is for hire.
Yancy Derringer: And cousin to my dead brother's wife.
Madame Francine: Cousin to the devil, never mind your dead brother's wife.
Yancy Derringer: The Pinkertons could use a memory like yours.
Madame Francine: They do.

[Yancy is recovering from drinking drugged punch]
Yancy Derringer: I don't mind missing Christmas, but what happened to New Year's Eve?

[last lines]
Yancy Derringer: Ladies and gentlemen - a toast to Senior: to the good times that are gone; to the better times to come.


"Yancy Derringer: Longhair (#1.22)" (1959)
[discussing the attacks on Custer's life using Indian weapons]
Yancy Derringer: Suppose it was a white man who lived with the Indians...
Colorado Charlie: Like me.
Yancy Derringer: That knew them and sympathized with them...
Colorado Charlie: Like me.
Yancy Derringer: Wanted to kill Custer for what he'd done to them, wanted anyone to know the reason why...
Colorado Charlie: Unh-uh. Not like me.

General George Custer: Derringer, are you a gambler?
Yancy Derringer: I've been known to take a fly.
General George Custer: I'd like to make a bet with you.
Yancy Derringer: You name it.
General George Custer: I'll bet your blood-brother Pawnee is trying to kill me and I have a way to prove it. If I win, it's his scalp.
Yancy Derringer: And if you lose - yours?
General George Custer: Derringer, a lot of redskins have tried to take Longhair's scalp and died in the trying.
Yancy Derringer: I was thinking about myself.

General George Custer: You don't like me much, huh?
Yancy Derringer: Mr. Custer, I think you are a very brave man, but you're not very smart. You're an ambitious man, but not for you country - strictly for yourself.

General George Custer: Well, I lose. Would you like to try for Longhair's scalp?
Yancy Derringer: I'll leave that up to your Indian friends, Mr. Custer.

[last lines]
John Colton: You should feel proud, Yancy. You saved the life of...
Yancy Derringer: Pahoo-Ke-Ta-Wah?
John Colton: Well, I was going to say, "General George Armstrong Custer".
Yancy Derringer: I wonder what fate we saved him for.
[while menacing music plays, the camera goes into a close-up of the Indian Pahoo's face]


"Yancy Derringer: Duel at the Oaks (#1.27)" (1959)
LeBow: I hope these spectators don't make you nervous, Derringer.
Yancy Derringer: Why? Should they?
LeBow: Why indeed? After all, what would a duel at The Oaks be without an audience. When we face each other here, my friend, we're actors walking onto a stage.
Yancy Derringer: Are we here for a duel, Mr. LeBow, or for polite conversation?

John Colton: Dueling code! Dueling code! A barbarous piece of hypocricy that allows men to kill each other in so-called self-defense.
Yancy Derringer: It's an old institution, Mr. Colton.
John Colton: So is hanging, Mr. Derringer!

Captain Fry: Last night, the overseer was told to pick up a coffin at LeBow's house by noon today, drive it to the churchyard and bury it.
John Colton: Who gave him that message?
Captain Fry: The dead man.
John Colton: Lorme? Ordering his own funeral?
Yancy Derringer: Yes, Mr. Colton. Mr. Lorme thought he was ordering the fake funeral for his partner.
John Colton: And then what happened?
Yancy Derringer: Well, there was evidently a change in plans and Mr. Lorme wasn't informed.

[Yancy needs Jody to pick the locks on his handcuffs]
Yancy Derringer: Would you have Jeremiah go get Jody Barker and bring him here?
Madame Francine: That pickpocket!
Yancy Derringer: I'm not interested in his morals, just his skill.

[last lines]
John Colton: I presume this is Mr. LeBow?
Yancy Derringer: That's right. Last time we had the right coffin but the wrong man. Do you think you can straighten it out this time?
John Colton: I'm sure I can. Thank you.
Yancy Derringer: My pleasure.


"Yancy Derringer: V as in Voodoo (#1.31)" (1959)
[first lines]
John Colton: Not a single shop or club open; not a soul on the street.
Yancy Derringer: And there won't be, Mr. Colton.
John Colton: What's happening? What on earth is going on?
Yancy Derringer: St. John's Eve.
John Colton: Meaning?
Yancy Derringer: It's the night of the devil's dance... the dead walk... voodoo.

Yancy Derringer: Voodoo priests say that on St. John's Eve an evil woman can turn into a big cat.
John Colton: Yancy, that's impossible.
Yancy Derringer: With witchcraft, nothing is impossible.

[Yancy pulls a pin out of a voodoo doll and Hammond starts to breathe again]
John Colton: What I just saw is impossible!
Yancy Derringer: Yes, Mr. Colton, it is.

John Colton: That sounded like...
Yancy Derringer: A big cat?

[last lines]
[the clock strikes twelve and the voodoo drums die away]
John Colton: The drums have stopped.
Yancy Derringer: It's midnight, Mr. Colton. St. John's Eve is over... Yes, and so is the voodoo.


"Yancy Derringer: The Louisiana Dude (#1.21)" (1959)
Julia Bulette: I suppose you've heard all those tall stories about me.
Yancy Derringer: I've heard you called rich, celebrated and Queen of Virginia City.
Julia Bulette: Not celebrated - notorious; not rich - needy. This place is mortgaged to the hilt.
Yancy Derringer: We do have something in common.

Julia Bulette: Here's my good luck charm. What would you suggest to seal the bargain?
[Yancy grabs her and they kiss passionately]
Yancy Derringer: That wasn't your first time.
Julia Bulette: No - but it's the first time I ever gave anyone my good luck charm.

Julia Bulette: A toast to our partnership - Bulette and Derringer.
Yancy Derringer: No - Derringer and Bulette.
Julia Bulette: Bulette and Derringer - let's keep it alphabetical.

[Yancy tries to kiss Julia again, but is snubbed]
Julia Bulette: Let's not rush things.
Yancy Derringer: He who hesitates dies a batchelor.


"Yancy Derringer: A Bullet for Bridget (#1.5)" (1958)
John Colton: Out, turnkey.
Yancy Derringer: Goodbye, friend jailer.
Jailer: Oh, don't say goodbye, Yancy. See you again real soon.

John Colton: Yancy, when you agreed to be my underground agent, we said that you would do anything to *uphold* law and order, not go shooting down chandiliers in The Charter House.
Yancy Derringer: Just having a little fun. I paid for the chandilier.
John Colton: Did you have to embarrass me and get caught?
Yancy Derringer: How did I know it would fall on the Chief of Police?

Bridget Malone: I've heard about his kind as far away as Dublin. He's one of those scalpin' aborigines that goes about half-naked lifting the hair off of decent folk.
Yancy Derringer: Oh, not any more. He's housebroken.

John Colton: What is it? What have you learned?
Yancy Derringer: It's the plague. The plague, Mr. Colton! By morning this city could become a pesthole. I'm going to burn that silk.
John Colton: The plague? I can't authorize it, but burn it!


"Yancy Derringer: Marble Fingers (#1.11)" (1958)
Desiree: Yancy, did you come for courtin' or visitin'?
Yancy Derringer: Batchelors don't court, they pursue.

Madame Francine: I think you are out of your mind to take such a chance.
Yancy Derringer: Well now, you can't win without betting, Francine.

Yancy Derringer: Desiree, I told you, batchelors don't court, they pursue.
Desiree: Yes, Yancy, and it suddenly came to me that I'm a kind of batchelor myself, so start runnin'.

[last lines]
Yancy Derringer: Good luck, old girl.
Madame Francine: Lots of luck... old boy.


"Yancy Derringer: Two Tickets to Promontory (#1.34)" (1959)
[first lines]
[Yancy and Farr are playing in a high-stakes poker game]
Wayland Farr: Two pair - I check to the queens, Mr. Derringer.
Yancy Derringer: Mr. Farr, I'm just going to have to bet... a thousand dollars.
Wayland Farr: Well, you know, that's a bit embarrassing. I'm a little short of cash.
Yancy Derringer: And at a very bad time.
Wayland Farr: I make it a practice of never writing a draft at the poker table.
Yancy Derringer: I make it a practice of never accepting one.
Wayland Farr: I tell you what I'll do. I'll put up something worth more than a thousand dollars.
Yancy Derringer: That would be a thousand and one dollars.

Yancy Derringer: What are you two doin' on the Jupiter?
Blackjack Benson: Fact is Willie and I are planning to be train robbers now that the overland line is finished. Thought we'd check out the route and figure where to jump the Limited when they get to run the gold east.
Yancy Derringer: Don't you ever tell the truth?
Blackjack Benson: In a crowd like this?
Wee Willy Benson: No one would believe us.

Yancy Derringer: You mean Mr. Farr?
Blackjack Benson: He just happens to represent the conspiracy between the overland wagon freighters and the overland stage companies.
Yancy Derringer: Well, even they can't keep the overland railroad from becoming a fact.
Wee Willy Benson: Oh, they know they're finished, little fella, but if they can make a disaster out of the wedding of the rails, it might give them another year of traffic.
Blackjack Benson: They think that's worth tryin' for.
Wee Willy Benson: We think it's worth stopping.

[last lines]
Yancy Derringer: Let's drink a toast. To the wedding of the rails - that means that any man with an itchy foot can travel almost anywhere in this wonderful country.
Colorado Charlie: You mean like me?
Blackjack Benson: Like me.
Wee Willy Benson: Me, too?
Blackjack Benson: If you're a good boy.
Yancy Derringer: [to Pahoo] Like us.


"Yancy Derringer: Two of a Kind (#1.13)" (1959)
Yancy Derringer: Where's Madame Francine?
Goldy: Upstairs counting your money.
Yancy Derringer: All right, I'll buy you a drink. I've got a feeling this is going to be my lucky night. I've a four-of-a-kind feeling in my bones. You know after I win this place from Madame Francine, you're going to be working for me.
Goldy: Hmm, that won't be work.

Yancy Derringer: I'll be right back.
Madame Francine: Mm-hmm.
Yancy Derringer: I said, I'll be right back.
Madame Francine: Mm-hmm.

Jailer: Wait a minute, wait a minute. You're not going off and leave me safe and sound with these two heroes out cold. They'll swear I was in cahoots with you. They'll string me up, Yancy. You gotta belt me one.
Yancy Derringer: I couldn't do that.
Jailer: But you've got to. We're friends, ain't we? You wouldn't dare run out and leave me conscious.

[last lines]
[Francine quotes Yancy's comment to Romilly Vale]
Madame Francine: "If I could be of any service to you during your stay in New Orleans..." If you're going to be grateful to anybody, why not be grateful to somebody closer to home.
Yancy Derringer: Hello, home.


"Yancy Derringer: Mayhem at the Market (#1.16)" (1959)
John Colton: Yancy, this isn't stealing from the rich and the strong, it's stealing from the poor, the needy, the weak. It's a new kind of crime and a new kind of criminal and I won't tolerate it in New Orleans! Unfortunately, at this time, there's no evidence.
Yancy Derringer: A man stabbed to death, the little merchants terrified - what kind of evidence do you need?
John Colton: Someone has to step forward with two simple words - I accuse.

Miss Carrie: Mr. Derringer, please don't interfere. Mr. Jordan has many helpers. It's an organized ring. It might be a newsboy who shot you or a barber that cut your throat. It's not worth it.
Yancy Derringer: It *is* worth it, Miss Carrie. Good day.

Yancy Derringer: Miss Duval, during the war, there was a man in my company who spoke only of the past, never the future - of things that were gone never to come back.
Celeste Duval: Why are you telling me this?
Yancy Derringer: Because some people choose to live in a past that doesn't exist.

John Colton: Yancy, Francis Jordan is a dangerous man.
Yancy Derringer: That makes two of us, Mister Colton.


"Yancy Derringer: Memo to a Firing Squad (#1.9)" (1958)
Colonel Tate: Well, I'd think you'd hate the sight of him; deserting the South to fight on the Union side.
Yancy Derringer: Colonel, each man to his own belief. After all, the shooting is over... I have a feeling we've met before.
Colonel Tate: Not to my knowledge. All right, Mr. Derringer, the guard will show you the way. I'm giving Hampton five minutes with you only because I'm shooting him in the morning - so, you see, the shooting isn't quite over.

Yancy Derringer: [narrating] Well, I couldn't help John Colton until I found him and I had one slim chance - a man named Jody Barker. Jody was the pickpocket of Bourbon Street, a sneak thief, devoted coward and a friend in need - when he was in need. Nothing happened on Bourbon Street that he didn't see, so I decided to pay him a visit.

Yancy Derringer: Pahoo, if the Colonel gets out of line, save one barrel for him alone... I'd just like to see how far he'll bounce.

[last lines]
Colonel Tate: You should have killed me.
Yancy Derringer: I'll leave that priviledge to your commanding officer.
Colonel Tate: My commanding officer?
Yancy Derringer: The President of the United States.


"Yancy Derringer: Nightmare on Bourbon Street (#1.14)" (1959)
Captain Fry: Ten cases of dynamite are missing.
John Colton: Ten cases! That's enough to level the entire French Quarter.
Yancy Derringer: Maybe that's what Mr. D means by Sodom and Gomorrah.
John Colton: But where does one start? Logic, reason, they're useless in hunting a madman.
Captain Fry: We have to start somewhere, sir.
Yancy Derringer: That's true and if I were you I'd start at the levee. The Mississippi's almost up to flood. Now if Mr. D. takes it into his mind to dynamite the levee, New Orleans might just become a muddy memory.

Yancy Derringer: Mr. Colton, with your permission, I'd like to alert the underworld. They usually see more than the law does. Besides, they'd like to stay in business, too.
John Colton: That's dangerous. If word leaks out, we could have a panic.
Yancy Derringer: Mr. D. may not give you any choice.