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Quotes for
Bennett the Sage (Character)
from "The Nostalgia Critic" (2007)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
Kickassia (2010) (V)
Bennett the Sage: Boy, it's so great to be back here in this crowded, cramped hotel room again. I wonder if it's still impossible for me to stretch my arms.
[attempts to move his arms and hits Phelous and Paw]
Bennett the Sage: I can't! Happy birthday to me!

Bennett the Sage: I say we castrate him with a fork, tie him to a cactus and play piñata with his entrails!
[beat]
Bennett the Sage: What?
Benzaie: You were just so fast to say that.

Nostalgia Critic: And so, it is the ruling of this court that you be found guilty for the crimes against our government. All in favor, say 'aye'. Aye. All opposed?
The Spoony One, Linkara, Angry Joe, Nostalgia Chick, Phelous, MarzGurl, Bennett the Sage, 8-Bit Mickey, Benzaie: Nay!
Nostalgia Critic: [sing-songy] Too bad I'm in charge! Guilty!

Nostalgia Chick: [Nostalgia Critic is beaten senseless] Well done, everyone, well done. Now, since I am next in line for the presidency, it's only fitting that I should wear the crown.
[takes Critic's hat]
Nostalgia Chick: You will refer to me as Madame President from now on.
Bennett the Sage: Wait a minute, so this whole cutesy, naive thing was just an act?
Nostalgia Chick: Yep.
JewWario: You're not really that nice?
Nostalgia Chick: Nope.
Benzaie: You're not really that stupid?
Nostalgia Chick: Uh-uh.

Nostalgia Critic, The Spoony One, Linkara, Angry Joe, Nostalgia Chick, Phelous, MarzGurl, Bennett the Sage, Benzaie, JewWario: I believe in Santa Christ.

Phelous: Well, *that* didn't work.
Bennett the Sage: Didn't you have any other strategy outside of going, "Aaaaaaahhhhh!"
Nostalgia Critic: Well, I didn't think that far ahead.
Cinema Snob: No, you just thought up to where everyone was in charge, and *you* were ruling the fucking world.
Nostalgia Critic: Yes.
Paw: You can't just do that, Critic. You have to plan these things out. You have to have a strategy for God's sake!
Nostalgia Critic: Yeah, but that takes hard work. Hard work that we do not have!

Paw: That's a game of Risk.
Linkara Patton: Yes, and it's also gonna serve as our battle plan. Now then, just assume that Northern Europe here is the Government House, and Greenland is the Back Yard. Angry Joe and I will be stationed here!
[points at the United Kingdom]
Linkara Patton: Handsome Tom and 8 Bit Mickey will travel in through the back, then Monty will come in through Messina
Bennett the Sage: Wait, wait! You can't travel that way, the countries have to be connected!
Linkara Patton: No they don't.
Bennett the Sage: Yes they do! See? See those dotted lines? They connect!
Linkara Patton: They do?
Bennett the Sage: Well, I thought so.
Paw: I thought you needed dice for this.
Linkara Patton: Do you?
JewWario: How *do* you play this game anyway?
Board James: Well guys...
[He picks up box of Risk]
Board James: Glad you asked. You got your deck of 56 risk cards, 3 red dice, 2 white dice, 6 sets of colored armies, and, of course, your game board because every board game has a game BOARD! The first step is to claim all the territories. Each player rolls 1 die. Whoever rolls the highest number gets to place one of their armies on the territory of your choice. After all territories are claimed, game play begins. At the beginning of every turn, count the number of territories you already own, then divide the number by 3. Then add that number of armies. You can also get armies by trading in certain combination of cards. You get the cards from capturing a territory. The attacker rolls the red dice based off the number of armies on the territory which is attacking. The winner is the first greedy bastard to take over the whole world. And that's... all there is to it
Linkara Patton: Hey, that's good to know! Thanks, Board James!
Board James: Well, thank *you* for the, uh... obligatory cameo.


"Ask That Guy with the Glasses: Ask That Guy #44 (#2.16)" (2009)
Bennett the Sage: [coming in] Holy shit, this is a nice house.
Ask That Guy With the Glasses: Why Sage... I thought I killed you.
Bennett the Sage: I got better.
Ask That Guy With the Glasses: Oh. How did you get in here?
Bennett the Sage: Broke in. By the way, you need a new window.

Narrator: [reading question] Who would win in a fight? Santa Claus or Saint Nicholas?
Bennett the Sage: You see, Santa Claus and Saint Nicholas are actually the same person. Now I know what you're thinking: how can they be the same person? Multiple Personality Disorder. See, Santa Claus is the jolly old elf who we all love and gives presents to all the good children. Saint Nicholas, on the other hand, is a complete asshole. Saint Nicholas loves to put glass in orphan's food. Oh yes, and every Halloween when children come up to his door to trick or treat, he punches them in the face... and sodomizes them.

Narrator: [reading question] Was Jesus Christ circumcized?
Ask That Guy With the Glasses: Well, the answer to that is...
Bennett the Sage: No, he didn't have a penis.
Ask That Guy With the Glasses: He didn't?
Bennett the Sage: No, of course not. Would God have a penis? He wouldn't have a vagina either. You know what He has? Something called a brenno. It's a type of genitalia that is neither penis nor vagina. You ever get your penis inside of it, you can neither go to Heaven nor Hell.

Bennett the Sage: Now I know what you're thinking: smitten. Isn't that just an anagram for mittens? Yes, it is!

Narrator: [reading question] I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus under the mistletoe last night. How should I punish that filthy, cheating whore?
Bennett the Sage: Well, you punished her already by being born, but if you want another, more delicious method, I know several you can choose from. You can hang her by her wrists over a bottle of bleach and force-feed her gallons upon gallons of water until she has to piss. Now the thing about hanging her over a bottle of bleach is that bleach has chlorine in it, and her piss has... what is it, arsenic? What was... oh, ammonia. Now when the ammonia mixes with the chlorine, it produces a special kind of gas known in World War I as mustard gas. So while she's debating with herself whether or not she should let herself go and have a very, very painful death, her bladder will swell and with the many hours spent in this unbareable torture, she will know the nature of your pain!
[screams]
Bennett the Sage: PAIN!

Narrator: I'm afraid to ask this one...
Bennett the Sage: ASK IT!
Narrator: Okay, okay.
[reads question]
Narrator: Why do Jewish people get 8 presents on Chaukkah?
Bennett the Sage: Because those filthy Jew bastards are ruining the economy. See, the Jews planned 9/11, and when 9/11 happened, they plundered underneath the World Trade Center and they grabbed all the gold in the vaults with their little Jew hands. Just like in Die Hard, my favorite Christmas movie.


"The Nostalgia Critic: Starchaser: The Legend of Orin (#5.15)" (2012)
Nostalgia Critic: The things you review aren't well... you aren't well! I don't wanna watch some cop with grenades tied to his pubes or something!
Bennett the Sage: Oh Critic, have a little more faith in me than that. If I were to show you something from my... personal collection, it might very well kill you. And if you died, well... I'd have nobody to play with.
[flashes a slasher smile]

Nostalgia Critic: Oh, hi, Boba Fett.
Bennett the Sage: Nope.
Nostalgia Critic: [character takes off her helmet] Oh hi, Leia.

Nostalgia Critic: Wait, wait, wait, wait... This movie has fans?
Bennett the Sage: Yeah. In fact, just recently it's been announced that plans are being made for a live-action remake.
Nostalgia Critic: They did that; it was called STAR WARS!

Nostalgia Critic: It looks kinda stupid and silly, but not awful. No, I'm not afraid!
Bennett the Sage: Oh, you will be.

Nostalgia Critic: Sage, what's that?
Bennett the Sage: Hell if I know.
Nostalgia Critic: It looks like it crawled out of the asshole of H.R. Geiger's nightmare.
Bennett the Sage: Nooooo, this looks like it crawled out of the asshole of H.R. Geiger's nightmare.
[cut to a robot monster with bugged-out eyes; scary music plays]
Bennett the Sage: It's the eyes, isn't it?
Nostalgia Critic: The eyes! What's up with the eyes?


"Anime Abandon: City Hunter (#4.1)" (2014)
Bennett the Sage: It's times like these I'm glad Japan doesn't have a second amendment.

Bennett the Sage: That joke was so bad that Richard Pryor rose from the grave just to kill himself again. You are re-killing comedy, good sir!


"Anime Abandon: The Love Hina Christmas Special (#1.17)" (2011)
Bennett the Sage: I bought the box set, because I thought that the anime would be a little bit more raunchier than the manga, because I was a stupid, stupid kid.

Bennett the Sage: I don't know what's sadder: the complete butt-fuck of that part of the dub, or the fact that I know all this shit.


"Anime Abandon: Vampire Wars (#1.8)" (2011)
Bennett the Sage: Wait a minute, you use your dick to fuck?
[excitedly whips out cell phone and dials]
Bennett the Sage: Angie? Angie, I got it figured out.

Bennett the Sage: How did anime survive the '90s?


"Atop the Fourth Wall: AT4W & Spoony: Experiment Warrior #2 and #3" (2010)
Linkara: Because as you know, Mr. Anderson, it is purpose that created us.
Dr. Insano: Purpose that connects us.
Nostalgia Chick: Purpose that pulls us.
Benzaie: That guides us.
Bargo: That drives us.
LordKat: That defines.
Bennett the Sage: It is purpose that binds us.
Linkara: We're here because of you, Mr. Anderson, we're here to take from you-
[looks around]
Linkara: Wait, where the hell did you all come from?


"Anime Abandon: Apocalypse Zero (#3.26)" (2013)
Bennett the Sage: The only way I can ever see a girl calling herself Whoria is if: 1, her parents lost a bet. Or 2, her real name was Gertrude and this sounds less embarassing.


"Atop the Fourth Wall: Action Comics #593 (#3.36)" (2010)
Bennett the Sage: [talking with French accent] After I kill Benzaie and Sad Panda, then I will be the only French person on this site.


"Anime Abandon: Tenchi 2: The Daughter of Darkness (#4.31)" (2014)
Bennett the Sage: Again with this Christmas bullshit. You have nothing to do with Christmas, you assholes!


"Anime Abandon: Junk Boy (#2.6)" (2012)
Bennett the Sage: That limp-dick motherfucker couldn't fuck Jell-O.


"Anime Abandon: E.Y.E.S. of Mars (#3.21)" (2013)
Bennett the Sage: Jesus, why don't they just call this fucking thing Facepalm: The Movie?


"Anime Abandon: Neon Genesis Evangelion: Death and Rebirth (#2.25)" (2012)
Bennett the Sage: By the way the human whisk with a voice that sounds like a ghost whispering down a sewer pipe is Rei but we'll get to her in good time.


"Bad Movie Beatdown: Sunday School Musical (#3.10)" (2011)
Bennett the Sage: So you want the two of us to sit down and watch the Britney Spears movie?
Todd in the Shadows: Well, yeah.
Bennett the Sage: You are a guy under there, right?


"Anime Abandon: Iria (#4.2)" (2014)
Bennett the Sage: Zeriam's Magical Asshole... worst idea for a children's show ever.


"Anime Abandon: Voltage Fighter Gowcazier: Part II (#2.19)" (2012)
Bennett the Sage: Gowcazier... you just made me care. That will not happen again.


"The Nostalgia Critic: Kickassia Part 6: All the Really Bad Shit Happens (#3.26)" (2010)
Nostalgia Chick: [Nostalgia Critic is beaten senseless] Well done, everyone, well done. Now, since I am next in line for the presidency, it's only fitting that I should wear the crown.
[takes Critic's hat]
Nostalgia Chick: You will refer to me as Madame President from now on.
Bennett the Sage: Wait a minute, so this whole cutesy, naive thing was just an act?
Nostalgia Chick: Yep.
JewWario: You're not really that nice?
Nostalgia Chick: Nope.
Benzaie: You're not really that stupid?
Nostalgia Chick: Uh-uh.


Suburban Knights (2011) (V)
Bennett the Sage: [in a lion costume] Greetings, sons of Adam, daughters of Eve. I am King Aslan.
[everyone erupts in laughter]
Bennett the Sage: Oh, shut up!
Nostalgia Critic: I don't know, Ass-man. I don't think ya got the noive!


"Anime Abandon: Devil Hunter Yohko, Part III (#2.13)" (2012)
Bennett the Sage: [after literally shooting a Doctor Who clip] I'll be fucked sideways before I make a Doctor Who reference.


To Boldly Flee (2012) (V)
Bennett the Sage: The needs of the plot outweighs the needs of the logic.


"Anime Abandon: Plastic Little (#4.11)" (2014)
Bennett the Sage: Now I feel bad for making fun of her. It's obvious that she has Tourette's... and not even the fun kind either.


"Anime Abandon: Devil Hunter Yohko, Part II (#2.12)" (2012)
Bennett the Sage: Lady, you're laying it on a little thick. You might as well be saying he's good with kids and that he ejaculates chocolate. I mean, that's what women want, right? A gigantic choco-cock? Can someone get back to me on that?


"Atop the Fourth Wall: Sonic Live (#3.38)" (2010)
JewWario: Looking down on us all.
Dr. Insano: Of course, don't you know anything about science?
Bennett the Sage: There would be better books on his show.
Guru Larry: But Quesada sold them to Mephisto.
MasakoX: And now there's nothing left to do.
L. Lovhaug: But share the scrapings at the bottom of the barrel with you.
Ensign Monroe: Linkara!
Paw: He is a man. Punch!
KaiserNeko: What's that on his arm?
[cut to a sign that says "Linkara" sitting beside his bear]
Dr. Gonzo: Can't seem to fix the continuity alarm.


"Anime Abandon: Devil Hunter Yohko, Part I (#2.11)" (2012)
Bennett the Sage: I think it's just anime law that every single mysterious, raven-haired woman that pointlessly carries a rose around just likes to punk kittens in her spare time.