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: You know that all my writings have called this occupation a violation of international law and its practitioners are criminals? Brand Hauser
: Do you really believe all this stuff you write? Natalie Hegalhuzen
: Anyone who can causes this much mayhem when they didn't have to? The amount of suffering that I've seen? Brand Hauser
: I know.
[helicoper flies overhead
] Brand Hauser
: [speaking on the phone
] Ok. Hold on a sec.
[speaking to Natalie again
] Brand Hauser
: But the way I look at it is this: the day we can actually feel and hear all the suffering of mankind, that's the day when "The Christ" will come back! So we got that going for us.
[speaking on the phone again
] Brand Hauser
: I'll be out in a minute.
[speaking to Natalie again
] Brand Hauser
: Or 'The Buddha', or Allah, whoever floats your boat.
: Every empire is summed up in Rome. The Romans, Hauser, Stewards of the human race, torchbearers of culture! You and I are centurions, honor bound to defend civilization against the barbarians! Brand Hauser
: Let's cut the shit, Walken! I like killing people as much as the next guy, but I signed up to kill the bad ones! Health clinics, trade unionists, journalists, agricultural co-ops, catholic liberation theologians, impoverished Colombian coffee farmers, these are the barbarians that are brave opponents of civilization? We turned Central America into a fuckin' graveyard! Whoever momentarily interrupts the acummulation of our wealth, we pulverize! I'm just not feeling good about that anymore, sir!
: I feel... GuideStar
: Go on. Brand Hauser
: ...like a refugee from the Island of Dr. Moreau. Some morally inverted, twisted character from a Céline novel. The hot sauce helps.
: [upon hearing an explosion outside
] When did they start attacking inside the Emerald City? Brand Hauser
: I wouldn't call that an attack.
[explosion goes off right outside office
] Brand Hauser
: Technically, that was a bombing. At least it sounded like it was. Not an attack, which would imply something else.
: Look, we've already kicked the shit out of this place. What are we supposed to do? Turn our backs on all the entrepreneur possibilities? Business is a uniquely human response to a moral or cosmic crisis. Whether it's a tsunami or a sustained aerial bombardment, there's the same urgent call for urban renewal.
: We're excited to have you. Ooq-Mi-Fay Taqnufmini
: Don't get too excited. Brand Hauser
: I'm not that excited.
: Tell me about yourself? Brand Hauser
: I'm just doing this gig, trying to make the best of a bad situation, looking for redemption in all the wrong places. Stop me now if I'm rambling. Natalie Hegalhuzen
: Okay, stop.
: So you want to seduce the journalist whose politics you despise? Brand Hauser
: How dare you. I have no politics.
: Did you know that the word "person" comes from the Latin word "persona", which means mask? So maybe being human means we invite spectators to ponder what lies behind. Each of us will be composed of a variety of masks, and if we can see behind the mask, we would get a burst of clarity. And if that flame was bright enough, that's when we fall in love. What's your opinion on these divine matters? Natalie Hegalhuzen
: I'm not going to fuck you. You know that, right?
: This little Turaqi pop star. She really disturbs me and I can't figure out why.
: Do you want massage with happy ending? Brand Hauser
: Does your father know that you talk this way?
: That was beautiful. Have you recorded it yet? Yonica Babyyeah
: Fat fucking chance. Brand Hauser
: Well, you should. I feel like I'm seeing you for the first time. Yonica Babyyeah
: You've seen my ass, and you're not liking it. Brand Hauser
: Why do you do that? Yonica Babyyeah
: Do what? Brand Hauser
: Talk as if you've got no soul. Yonica Babyyeah
: Nobody cares for my beautiful soul. They care for my ass. Brand Hauser
: Please, you sound like a tramp. Yonica Babyyeah
: Bitches rule. Yonica rules. Virgins are good for getting fucked. Right? That is what I'm good for. Right? That's what everybody knows. Hmm? Brand Hauser
: You know what I think? I think the girl who wrote that song is a poet. I thought that song was really great. Yonica Babyyeah
: I'm not from this world. I have special powers. I can see inside people's brains.
: [referring to son
] What if we publicly remove one of his testicles? Ooq-Mi-Fay Taqnufmini
: Dad, please! Ooq-Yu-Fay Taqnufmini
: Shut up. Brand Hauser
: It's not an entirely unappealing suggestion, but I'm not sure if that really gets us where we want to go.
: Don't look at me! Brand Hauser
: I like looking at you.
: There is a reason why I do this work: I don't have to feel anything. Yonica Babyyeah
: That's so fucked up.
: [to Walken
] It's going to be hard... to torture someone who's mostly dead... but I'm gonna try... to enjoy it.
: Marsha, get me Katie Couric, Al Jezeera and 100 gallons of sheep shit.
: Be still my trembling hands, for how you would tremble if you knew where I would take you next.
: Sometimes I think it's better not to feel. Just skip it. Brand Hauser
: How long can you live that way? The poison just holds. It's like a slow motion suicide. Brand Hauser
: You wake up one day and wonder if you have the courage to walk away, to say "No, I won't do that. I'm not that person. I'm not that thing."
: [to Yonica as she's about to get married
] You can't do this. You can't do this. I won't let you. I'm your father. Brand Hauser
: [Hauser fires gun at a few people
] Brand Hauser
: It's me. I've loved you since the day you were born.
: Each girl is a transfemoral amputee that lost her leg during the liberation. Marsha Dillon
: And thanks to Tamerlane's cutting edge prosthetic devices, we can literally have you up and dancing before you know it. Brand Hauser
: just another breathtaking example of how American know-how alleviates the suffering it creates. Marsha Dillon
: ...And Coniel Bislan, an M72 rocket-propelled grenade that mistakenly hit her high school. Brand Hauser
: And Tamerlane used the exact same RPG firing pin rod assembly technology that it uses in the prosthetic knees of its dancing legs. Natalie Hegalhuzen
: Talk about vertical integration!
: You're lucky I like you. Cliff
: Who me? Hauser
: No him! Cliff
: Oh Hauser
: I love you... you're my little brother come here and give me a hug... get you're ass over here
[Cliff hugs him
: [Suddenly stops driving the car
] I wanna talk about mom Hauser
: I don't Cliff
: You said I shot mom, but I distinctly remember I was in the bath tub. So how can I have shot mom if I was in the bathtub? It wasn't me who shot her was it? Hauser
: Don't look at me like that! I couldn't let her keep on touching you in that way. I covered you, you covered me remember? That was our game! Cliff
: Our game? Hauser
] Our game!
: [on why's in prison
] I thumbed arrive from kansas to see my brother, I haven't seen the boy in seventeen years. Sheriff thinks that's not a good idea. Because the last time we were together caused a little bit of a problem... so here I am... till I decide to leave town.
: Really wanna get out of those cuffs? What you do is, grab your hand and twist 'til you hear a crack. Slides right through. Only problem is... fuck up your golf game. I used to shoot in the low eighties. Now
[practices golf swing, winces at his hand
: lucky if I break a hundred.
[Douglas Quaid seeing his real personality on the screen
: Now, this is the plan. Get your ass to Mars.
: Howdy, stranger! This is Hauser. If things have gone wrong, I'm talking to myself and you don't have a wet towel around your head. Now, whatever your name is, get ready for the big surprise. You are not you, you're me. Douglas Quaid
: [to himself
] No shit. Hauser
: All my life, I worked for Mars Intelligence, I did Cohaagen's dirty work. But then I met someone, a woman. She taught me a few things, like I was playing for the wrong team. All I can do now is make up for it. You see...
[Points to his head
: ...there's enough shit in here to fuck Cohaagen good. But if you're hearing this, it means is that he's got to me first. Now, here comes the hard part, old buddy. Now it is all up to you. Douglas Quaid
] Great... Hauser
: Now, let's start by getting that bug out of your head.
[shows the nose device
: Take this out of the case, and stick it up your nose. Don't worry, it's self-guiding. Just shove real hard.
[Quaid takes a deep breath, and sticks the nose device up his nose
: When you hear a crunch, you're there. Now, pull it out. Be careful! That's my head, too.
[Quaid screams in pain while Hauser grins, then Quaid pulls out the bug
: This is the plan. Get your ass to Mars, and go to the Hilton Hotel and flash the fake Brubaker I.D. at the front desk, that's all there is to it. Just do as I tell you. You can nail that son of a bitch that fucked you and me. I'm counting on you, old buddy. Don't let me down!
: Howdy, Quaid. If you're watching this, that means that Kuato is dead, and you led us to him. I knew that you wouldn't let me down. Sorry for all of the shit I've put you through, but hey, what are friends are for? All I want to do is wish you happiness and good living, old buddy, but unfortunately, that's not gonna happen. You see, that's "my" body you have there, and I want it back. Sorry for being an Indian giver, but I was here first. So, adios, amigo!
[the screen zooms out to reveal Cohaagen, who puts his hand on Hauser's shoulder
: And thanks for not getting youself killed. Maybe now, we will meet in dreams, you never know.
: We have to get out of this car right now or they're going to kill us both. Follow me... Mrs. Riva is having some problems with some lady business. Police Officer
: Can't she just hold it? Daniella Riva
: No, you see, once a month it sheds its lining. Cooper
: It sheds! Daniella Riva
: So that the eggs descend into the... Detective Hauser
: Oh my God!