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Jacob
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Quotes for
Jacob (Character)
from Hot Tub Time Machine (2010)

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Hot Tub Time Machine (2010)
Jacob: [from trailer] Do I really gotta be the asshole who says we got in this thing and went back in time?

Jacob: For your information, I've had a lot of girlfriends. Hot ones.
Lou: You have had lots of boyfriends. Gay ones.

Jacob: [to Lou] I have some Ativan but it's different.
Lou: Well, let's stick it up our asses!
Jacob: It's not a suppository!
Lou: It doesn't matter. You crush it up, put it in a paper towel, run it under some warm water, and you stick it right up your ass. That works!

Jacob: [Refferring to Lou] Do you remember when I was 12 and he tried to bite me.
Adam: Yeah, but you had that coming.

Jacob: [about Blaine] Hey look, it's the douchbag from Karate Kid 3.

Adam: One little change has a ripple effect and it effects everything else. Like a butterfly floats its wings and Tokyo explodes or there's a tsunami, in like, you know, somewhere.
Jacob: Yes exactly. You step on the bug and the fucking internet is never invented.
Lou: Oh then you'll have to talk to girls with your mouth.
Jacob: Yeah. No. I was more concerned about bigger consequences like not being born.
Lou: Yeah. No. I don't care about that.

Lou: It's the fucking 80's guys. Let's do what we want to do. Free Love!
Jacob: That's the 60's, dipshit.
Adam: We had like Reagan and AIDS. Let's get the fuck outta here, okay? Do the right thing, Violator!

Jacob: I'm kinda right in the middle of a thing right now, but can I text you later?
Girl at Club: Can you what?
Jacob: Are you online at all?
Girl at Club: I have no idea what you're talking about.
Jacob: How do I get a hold of you?
Girl at Club: You come find me.
Jacob: That sounds... exhausting.

Jacob: [To Lou] I knew I hated you for a reason, I'm gonna tell everyone in prison I went back in time to kill my own father!

Lou: [to Adam and Nick] Oh, man, what the fuck's he doing here?
Jacob: Nice to see you too, Lou.
Lou: [mimicking] Nice to see you too, Lou. Fuck you, Jacob! You suck and you know it! You just ruined my fucking weekend.

Adam: Why don't you do something out of the house this weekend?
Jacob: What should I do out of the house this weekend Uncle Adam?
Adam: Something in the course of reality, get a job, go to college.
Jacob: That all sounds overrated.

Adam: Why do you waste your time with that second-life bullshit? Look at you. You're still in jail. You were in jail last week.
Jacob: Yeah, I'm a prisoner. It's called "doing hard time".
Adam: Can't you be like a warrior or shaman or orc or some shit like that?

Lou: Every young man's fantasy is to have a three-way.
Jacob: Yeah not with another fucking guy!
Lou: It's still a three-way!

Jacob: Is that why you have that shoebox in your closet, marked "Cincinatti" ?

Jacob: She dumped you... and you still got stabbed in the eye!

Nick: Just like Cincinatti.
Lou: What?
Adam: You're gonna bring that up?
Lou: We said we weren't gonna talk about Cincinatti ever, okay?
Jacob: Is that why you have that shoebox in your closet that says "Cincinatti"?
Adam: Yeah!
Lou: What? That's fucking admissible!
Nick: You keep it in the closet?
Adam: What was I supposed to do with it? You can't bury those things.
Nick: You wrote "Cincinatti" on it?
Adam: How do I know which one it's supposed to be?
Jacob: Is it a fetus?
Nick: My friends are ridiculous.

Jacob: The taxidermist is stuffing my mother.


Hot Tub Time Machine 2 (2015)
Lou: Let's go check out the future strip club situation.
Nick: High five.
Jacob: Did you just say "high five" instead of high five-ing?

Adam Jr.: Jacob is my cousin, and Uncle Lou...
Lou: Don't you ever call me that.
Adam Jr.: ...is my uncle! And they came here in a... uh... what was it?
Lou, Nick, Jacob: Hot Tub Time Machine.
Jill: Oh, okay. So I guess you came here in a Hot Tub Time Machine, too.
[Lou, Nick and Jacob stare into the camera]

Lou: We gotta make America happen bro.
Nick: Ready for another dip?
Jacob: [Jacob to Nick] You're not going to be super welcome there but we should totally go.