Donna Meagle
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Quotes for
Donna Meagle (Character)
from "Parks and Recreation" (2009)

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"Parks and Recreation: Time Capsule (#3.3)" (2011)
Kelly Larson: You look sad.
Tom Haverford: You look like an old goon who's obsessed with a kid's book.
Kelly Larson: It's a girl, isn't it? I can tell. It's the look that Mike had on his face when Bella turned him down for the dance.
Tom Haverford: Oh yeah? Is it? What look did your mom have on her face when she realized her son was a complete failure?
Kelly Larson: Okay. I'll be quiet. But I do know something about heartbreak. And you know who else does?
Tom Haverford: Kenneth "Babyface" Edmonds?
Kelly Larson: No. A little lady named Twilight author Stephenie Meyer.
[Throws Tom a copy of Twilight]
Donna Meagle: [Enters room] You should listen to him. Those books are GOOD.

Donna Meagle: Oh, I love any book about vampires, werewolves, monsters, zombies, sorcerers, beasties or time-traveling romances.
[Holds up a book of Twilight]
Donna Meagle: And if I had an hour alone with Robert Pattinson, he would forget all about Skinnylegs McGee. I'll tell you that much.

"Parks and Recreation: Hunting Trip (#2.10)" (2009)
Tom Haverford: You can't say your favorite kind of cake is birthday cake, that's like saying your favorite kind of cereal is breakfast cereal.
Donna Meagle: Mmm. I love breakfast cereal.

Leslie Knope: I shot Ron Swanson.
Donna Meagle: You shot my Mercedes?
[Donna tackles Leslie to the ground]

"Parks and Recreation: The Fight (#3.13)" (2011)
Ron Swanson: Is this everybody?
Donna Meagle: Ann took a cab, Tom's in the trunk, Jerry's on the roof. Alright, where to first?
Leslie Knope: Your mother's butt.
[Everybody but Donna drunkenly laughs]

Donna Meagle: I can only drink warm tap water with cayenne pepper.

"Parks and Recreation: Practice Date (#2.4)" (2009)
Donna Meagle: You guys will never believe what I just found on Jerry's Facebook.
April Ludgate: A friend. Burn.

Tom Haverford: Hey, Donna, let me ask you something: Do you hate black people?
Donna Meagle: Excuse me?
Tom Haverford: 'Cause apparently, in 1988, you donated money to the presidential campaign for... David Duke!
April Ludgate: The KKK guy?
Donna Meagle: I got a phone call. They said he would lower taxes.

"Parks and Recreation: Pawnee Rangers (#4.4)" (2011)
Tom Haverford: Once a year, Donna and I spend a day treating ourselves. What do we treat ourselves to?
Donna Meagle: Clothes.
Tom Haverford: Treat yoself.
Donna Meagle: Fragrances.
Tom Haverford: Treat yoself.
Donna Meagle: Massages.
Tom Haverford: Treat yoself.
Donna Meagle: Mimosas.
Tom Haverford: Treat yoself.
Donna Meagle: Fine leather goods.
Tom Haverford: Treat yoself!
Donna Meagle: It's the best day of the year.
Tom Haverford, Donna Meagle: The best day of the year!

"Parks and Recreation: The Camel (#2.9)" (2009)
Donna Meagle: [Showing her painting] So it's The Last Supper, with famous people from Indiana. John Melloncamp, Larry Byrd, Michael Jackson, David Letterman, Vivica A. Fox! Okay, so, here's where it gets a little dicey because there's not that many famous cities from Indiana, so uh, a Nascar, my friend Becky, Ron Swanson...
Leslie Knope: Donna, who's the Jesus?
Donna Meagle: Uh, that would be Greg Kinnear.

"Parks and Recreation: The Master Plan (#2.23)" (2010)
Donna Meagle: Got your birthday shot.
April Ludgate: Oh, thanks. But now that it's legal, I kind of lost interest.
Donna Meagle: Suit yourself.
[Donna downs two shots at once]

"Parks and Recreation: Citizen Knope (#4.10)" (2011)
Ann Perkins: Leslie wishes she could be here herself to give you these presents, but she's suspended. Oh, and also, she said they're not from her, they're from Santa Claus.
Andy Dwyer: Can I go first?
[to camera; shows his framed gold record]
Andy Dwyer: Mouserat: Certified gold! Over 100 copies sold in Pawnee! I need a picture of me holding this so I can frame it.
Donna Meagle: Personalized leopard-printed robe, pink feather cuffs, and on the back in rhinestones,
[turns around]
Donna Meagle: "You Can Get It!"
Tom Haverford: "I know you're sad you couldn't get tickets to the Watch the Throne tour, so I got you a watch and a tiny throne instead." And check it out, she even took out the dumb clock part and put this in:
[shows text that says... ]
Tom Haverford: "Baller Time!"
April Ludgate: [Holds up painting of her and the Black Eyed Peas' decapitated heads, with a shirtless Andy nearby] These are the Black Eyed Peas, and I finally killed them. It's a Christmas miracle.
Ron Swanson: Every year, I give Leslie the same present I give everyone: a crisp 20 dollar bill. And every year, she gets me something thoughtful and personal. It makes me furious. This year, she outdid herself.
[Presses a clicker that closes both of his office doors at once]
Ron Swanson: She had it installed over the weekend. It's so...
[starts crying]
Ron Swanson: it's so beautiful.

"Parks and Recreation: Christmas Scandal (#2.12)" (2009)
Leslie Knope: All I did was write and perform in one amazing skit!
Ann Perkins: Leslie, it's the Pawnee Sun. It's a tabloid. Nobody else has written about it.
Tom Haverford: Yeah, nobody believes that garbage. Nobody believes that thing.
Donna Meagle: [Outside the room; walks forward and puts the tabloid on the window facing Leslie] Leslie! WHAT? Nice work, girl!

"Parks and Recreation: Summer Catalog (#2.20)" (2010)
Tom Haverford: Girl, you're more precious than Precious.
Donna Meagle: Uh-uh.
Tom Haverford: Nice hat, wanna bone? That's you talking to me.
Donna Meagle: No. How about "Yes, I am a hunter, and it's you season?"

"Parks and Recreation: Sex Education (#5.4)" (2012)
Leslie Knope: Let's pretend we're old people and ask Ann our most dirtiest questions. I'll start.
Leslie Knope: [imitating an old lady] I'm an old lady. Why do I need birth control? I haven't had my monthly since LBJ was president.
Ann Perkins: Well with the elderly, we're not so much worried about pregnancy, we're worried about disease.
Andy Dwyer: Do pubic hairs get longer the older you get?
Ann Perkins: I don't think so.
Andy Dwyer: Because it's happening to me.
Donna Meagle: Where can I get lube that is healthy?
Andy Dwyer: I rolled my testicles with my jazzy scooter.
Leslie Knope: I say you look good, nursy. I want to jump on that caboose. Choo choo!
Ann Perkins: [pointing to Donna] You should never eat lube.
Ann Perkins: [pointing to Andy] You need to see a doctor immediately.
Ann Perkins: [pointing to Leslie] And I'm sorry sir, but you need to be under 40 to ride this train.

"Parks and Recreation: Ron & Tammy: Part Two (#3.4)" (2011)
Donna Meagle: I would like to address the goofy-looking, dirty komodo wearing, corn-rowed clown in the room. If you see Ron Swanson, can you give him this message: You used to be a man! You need to get your house in order! Look, I love you like a brother, but right now I hate you! Like my actual brother, Levandrious, who I hate!

"Parks and Recreation: Fancy Party (#3.9)" (2011)
Donna: That is about the worst thing I've ever seen? Are you Nell? From the movie Nell?

"Parks and Recreation: Tom's Divorce (#2.11)" (2009)
Leslie Knope: We are going to the Glitter Factory.
Tom Haverford: What?
Donna Meagle: Not me. I can't go back there. But if you see Jasmine, tell her she can keep Anthony, but I want my microwave back.
Leslie Knope: ...Okay, good. You're gonna take April home.
April Ludgate: No, I wanna go to the Glitter Factory!
Leslie Knope: Well, drop out of school and start doing meth.

"Parks and Recreation: Eagleton (#3.12)" (2011)
Donna Meagle: Eagleton is a bunch of rich snobs, and that's coming from someone who has a Mercedes with a Harman Kardon Logic 7 Surround Sound System.

"Parks and Recreation: Park Safety (#2.19)" (2010)
Leslie Knope: And finally, we are gonna kick off the children's concert series this weekend with a performance by Freddy Spaghetti.
April Ludgate: I thought Freddy Spaghetti OD'd.
Leslie Knope: No, that's Mr. Funnynoodle. And he didn't OD, his drummer shot him.
April Ludgate: Oh.
Leslie Knope: Where's Jerry, by the way? Why isn't he back? How long does it take to fill birdfeeders?
Donna Meagle: Maybe he fell into the toilet. Remember when he fell into the toilet?
April Ludgate: Oh, sorry you guys. Sorry I'm late, I got confused and took a shower after I got dressed because I'm Jerry.
Ron Swanson: [in confessional] David Myers, the Jewish guy who works at City Hall, once told me something: a schlemiel is the guy who spills soup at a fancy party. A schlimazel is the guy he spills it on. Jerry is both the schlemiel and the schlimazel of our office.

"Parks and Recreation: The Bubble (#3.15)" (2011)
Donna Meagle: This isn't gonna work.
[Ron spins his chair away from Donna]
Donna Meagle: Okay, you did not just Swivel away while I was talking to you! This spaceship keyboard is driving me crazy! I'm down to one word a minute, and the word is "perflipisklup" because I can't fly spaceships!
Ron Swanson: Donna, you know as well as I do these city manager shakeups always peter out. You just have to wait.
Donna Meagle: Usually I'm with you. But this is Chris Traeger, the six million dollar man. He won't quit. So you need to Swivel your ass down to his office and have a word with him!