Haley Dunphy
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Quotes for
Haley Dunphy (Character)
from "Modern Family" (2009)

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"Modern Family: See You Next Fall (#2.23)" (2011)
Haley Dunphy: No one will ever talk to you again.
Alex Dunphy: So what? Mahatma Gandhi went on a hunger strike for what he believed in.
Haley Dunphy: That's 'cause no one would eat with him in the cafeteria!

Haley Dunphy: To do a speech, you just choose a song title and speak it, like "Don't stop believing" or "Get this party started."
Alex Dunphy: That makes no sense.
Haley Dunphy: Of course not. No one wants to think at graduation! It's graduation, the time when we celebrate being done with thinking.

Haley Dunphy: You know what? Give your stupid little speech. Be an outcast. But you're only doing it to yourself. Because you're smart, pretty, and sorta funny in a way that I don't really get but other people seem to enjoy. You can either start fresh next year, or be the freak that flipped off her class.
Alex Dunphy: You really think I'm pretty?
Haley Dunphy: Shut up!

Haley Dunphy: If you do this, you'll be a social piranha.
Alex Dunphy: Yes, I'll be an Amazonian carnivorous fish.
Haley Dunphy: What?

Haley Dunphy: You think you have everyone figured out, don't you? Everyone has stuff that they're working through.
Alex Dunphy: What kind of stuff do you have? Too many boys chasing after you? Too many parties?
Haley Dunphy: I'm flunking biology, and now I have to take summer school. And all my friends are talking about going to college, while I don't think I'll even be able to go to college! Is that enough stuff for you?

"Modern Family: Mother Tucker (#2.9)" (2010)
David: You know, a lot of scientists are women.
Haley Dunphy: But they're all fat, right?

Busboy: [about Dylan and his "date", Phil] They were talking about going to Graceland together.
Haley Dunphy: He only wants to go because he thinks it's an amusement park!

Haley Dunphy: Don't play dumb with me!
Dylan: I never play dumb!

Haley Dunphy: [after breaking up with Dylan] I miss him.
Phil Dunphy: Yeah. He was your first real boyfriend.
Haley Dunphy: I keep expecting him to show up. He used to come by at night and I'd sneak out to see him.
Phil Dunphy: Yeah, I know.
Haley Dunphy: You knew?
Phil Dunphy: His car's thirty years old and doesn't have a muffler. And he honked.

"Modern Family: Phil on Wire (#3.3)" (2011)
Haley Dunphy: Mom, don't do it! She'll be in the same class as I am! Why are you even taking second year math?
Alex Dunphy: You're a senior. Why are you still in second year math?
Haley Dunphy: Not still, again.

Haley Dunphy: Hey, what'd you get for number three?
Alex Dunphy: You're not going to learn if I just give you answers.
Haley Dunphy: Well, what if I gave you something in return?
Alex Dunphy: Like what?
Haley Dunphy: You can talk to me in class.
[Alex scoffs]
Alex Dunphy: I want lunch at the cool table.
Haley Dunphy: Then I want all the answers.
Alex Dunphy: Then I want a week at the table.
Haley Dunphy: That'll cost you two pop quizzes.
Alex Dunphy: A month.
Haley Dunphy: The midterm.
Alex Dunphy: Deal.

Haley Dunphy: [griping to Claire about being in the same class with Alex] Her hand's in the air, like, every five seconds, and she actually reminded Mr. Waters to assign homework. The class loved that. Do you know how embarrassed I was?
Alex Dunphy: Not as embarrassed as I was when she said eight was a prime number.

Haley Dunphy: Everything I touch turns to detention.

"Modern Family: Me? Jealous? (#3.14)" (2012)
Claire Dunphy: Recently, Haley got a little creative on one of her college applications and listed herself as a Big Sister.
Haley Dunphy: Technically, I am a big sister.
Phil Dunphy: She capitalized the "B" and the "S".
Claire Dunphy: Which makes sense, 'cause it was.
Phil Dunphy: So Claire and I suggested that...
Haley Dunphy: Forced.
Phil Dunphy: ...that she volunteer for the organization. We couldn't be prouder.
Claire Dunphy: We could. A little bit.

Alex Dunphy: What are you doing?
Haley Dunphy: I'm helping my Little Sister with her homework.
Alex Dunphy: That seems... mean.

Haley Dunphy: I'm sorry, were you trying to read?
Alex Dunphy: You're the one who tries to read.

Luke Dunphy: I am so sick of you two fighting all the time! You're a bad big sister, and you're a bad little sister! And you're both bad big sisters to me! Be normaler.
[goes back to his room]
Haley Dunphy: Wow.
Alex Dunphy: I've never seen him like that.
Haley Dunphy: Well, we do kind of neglect him. And if you think about it, he is kind of our little sister.
Alex Dunphy: Remember how we used to dress him up?
Haley Dunphy: I miss her.
Haley Dunphy: I hear you, and I don't like where this is going!
Haley Dunphy: You get the lipstick, I'll get the bra and tennis balls.
Luke Dunphy: [singsong] Betty Luke!
Luke Dunphy: I will burn this house down!

"Modern Family: Aunt Mommy (#3.15)" (2012)
Phil Dunphy: I have to go show a house. But first, what was Elton John's sexual orientation in the '70s?
Haley Dunphy, Alex Dunphy: Bi.
Haley Dunphy: You've done that one before.
Phil Dunphy: And it never gets old. Like the good Captain Fantastic himself.

Haley Dunphy: Who fills a vase with marbles?
Claire Dunphy: Who doesn't see a vase filled with marbles?
Alex Dunphy: Who wants to hear a bunch of plates crashing?

Phil Dunphy: [seeing Haley and Alex scrubbing the kitchen] Whoa. What's all this?
Haley Dunphy: Mom heard us say we were bored.
Phil Dunphy: Suckers.
Alex Dunphy: She heard us from outside!
Haley Dunphy: She has super-good hearing, like a seeing eye dog. They have overdeveloped hearing to make up for the fact... wait, the dogs aren't blind. Wait, are they? No, that wouldn't make sense.
Alex Dunphy: [to Phil] You're right. If I wait long enough, she can get there by herself.
Phil Dunphy: [his cell phone rings] Quick, girls. Famous Danny from "Moonstruck". Aiello?
Mitchell Pritchett: Hey, Phil, I'm glad I caught ya.
Phil Dunphy: What's up?
Mitchell Pritchett: Uh, it's about Steven and Stefan. They want to see that house on Briar again.
Phil Dunphy: Really? I showed it to them five times. Last time we were there, I think they got mail.
Mitchell Pritchett: Yeah, well, that's why I'm calling. They hate upsetting people. Unless, of course, it's me. Then they don't mind waking me up at seven a.m., asking me to call you.
Phil Dunphy: It's no problem. I'm just hanging around. Kind of bored, really.
[Haley and Alex gasp]
Phil Dunphy: What?
[Phil gasps as he realizes what he just said]

"Modern Family: Farm Strong (#5.4)" (2013)
Alex Dunphy: How can he be beating me at Words With Friends? It's impossible.
Haley Dunphy: Shouldn't you be playing Words With Friends with friends?
Alex Dunphy: Grandpa is my friend.
Haley Dunphy: Yeah, that's not sad at all.
Alex Dunphy: What?

Alex Dunphy: That's it. Grandpa's cheating.
Haley Dunphy: On Gloria? How can he possibly do any better?
Alex Dunphy: No, I mean on this game. No one ever beats me.
Haley Dunphy: Keep playing games with grandpa, and no one ever will.

"Modern Family: The Cold (#6.3)" (2014)
Haley Dunphy: I threw up for three straight days. I don't know how supermodels do it.

Haley Dunphy: At last count I had three stalkers. One of them spray-painted my face on the side of his van. I had to stand there forever while he did it.

"Modern Family: Election Day (#3.19)" (2012)
Haley Dunphy: [about her college acceptance letters] This whole waiting to hear thing has been a nightmare since the very first letter.
Haley Dunphy: I'm too nervous. I can't do it.
[Alex grabs the letter]
Alex Dunphy: "Dear Ms. Dunphy, we regret to inform you..."
[Alex trails off; Claire sighs and gives Haley a comforting hug]
Haley Dunphy: What? Don't leave me hanging.
[back to present]
Haley Dunphy: After that, I decided to only tell my parents good news.
[Holding up more acceptance letters]
Haley Dunphy: I have one school left. And the only good news I've gotten is that my annoying neighbor Becky is moving back east to Oregon.

Phil Dunphy: Councilwoman Dunphy, how do you respond to allegations that you look super sexy in your new suit?
Claire Dunphy: I haven't been elected yet. Come on, kids! We gotta vote! Honey, come on. Please stop filming.
Phil Dunphy: I'm just excited. After today, you are going to be a councilwoman and I am going to be a First Husband.
Claire Dunphy: Well, if you don't stop filming, you're going to be *my* first husband. All right, everybody, come on! You know what you're doing, kids? You guys are manning the phone banks. Alex, you're in charge of that.
Haley Dunphy: What? Why is she in charge? And wh-what's a phone bank?
Alex Dunphy: That's why.

"Modern Family: Halloween (#2.6)" (2010)
Haley Dunphy: [Wearing a tight nurse's outfit] You said get one of my old costumes.
Claire Dunphy: Not from when you were eight. Do you want to get candy or Japanese businessmen?

Haley Dunphy: [Wearing a sexy cat costume] Check it. I'm a scary Halloween cat.
Claire Dunphy: Honey, no. Why don't you put on one of your old costumes?
Haley Dunphy: What's wrong with this?
Claire Dunphy: Honey, trust me, I'm sparing you an entire day of guys asking you if you have a rough tongue.
Haley Dunphy: Eew!

"Modern Family: Go Bullfrogs! (#3.6)" (2011)
Phil Dunphy: Oh, my God! When my friends and I were drunk, we'd sit on these food trays and slide down the hill. Hop on!
Haley Dunphy: I'm not hopping on.
Phil Dunphy: You'll get the giggles.
Haley Dunphy: I don't want to get the giggles.

Phil Dunphy: Look, your whole life my job is to protect you, the job I kinda love. And I feel like I'm being forced into early retirement. I just needed to find you and make sure you were okay... For as long as I still get to do that.
Haley Dunphy: Ugh... I just like you. It pisses me off when you say something sweet... I'm not leaving until the fall.
Phil Dunphy: Maybe by then I could figure out how to put a forcefield around you... been working on that one since the first time I tried to fasten you onto your car seat. I pinched your chunky little thigh.
Haley Dunphy: Aww... you know you basically just called me fat.

"Modern Family: Dude Ranch (#3.1)" (2011)
Haley Dunphy: [searching for Dylan, who has disappeared] Dylan!
Dylan: What?
Haley Dunphy: Where are you?
Dylan: Wyoming!

[Dylan has disapppeared]
Hank: Okay, people, looks like we have a walker. Right now he is facing treacherous terrain, sudden drops, mountain lions, hungry bears... oh, and wolverines. That is if the hypothermia didn't already get him.
Claire Dunphy: [quietly, to herself] Why did we come here again?
Hank: So our best bet is to split up. You two are gonna take to the north hiking trail.
Haley Dunphy: Can I go with my dad instead?
Hank: Negative. I need Buffalo Phil and old-timer to check the Snake River.
Phil Dunphy: [pleased] "Buffalo Phil". Worth the wait.
Hank: Me and Cactus Flower will ride on up to Destiny Ridge.
Jay Pritchett: Maybe I should ride up there with her.
Hank: Negatory. That trail is for advanced riders only. We don't need another dead body.
Haley Dunphy: [worried] "Another"?

"Modern Family: Manny Get Your Gun (#2.8)" (2010)
Haley Dunphy: [about family camp] I can't go back there. I heard this summer they're having a hoedown.

Alex Dunphy: Dad, you just missed a stop sign.
Phil Dunphy: Then we'll stop twice on the way back.
Haley Dunphy: Good, that'll give us time to find the hubcap we lost passing the temple parking lot.

"Modern Family: Egg Drop (#3.12)" (2012)
Luke Dunphy: This wouldn't have happened if Alex would've let me use her project.
Alex Dunphy: No. That is my intellectual property. I think it may have unmanned flight applications.
Haley Dunphy: Keep talking like that and you'll spend the rest of your life unmanned.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Taxi! The taxis are not stopping just because I'm Latina!
Haley Dunphy: Or maybe because it was just a yellow car.

"Modern Family: Career Day (#4.21)" (2013)
Phil Dunphy: Luke, you clean the bathroom.
Luke Dunphy: How come I have to do the bathroom?
Alex Dunphy: Because you always mess it up?
Haley Dunphy: Yeah. Why can't you pee straight?
Luke Dunphy: Hey, I'm doing a great job from that far back.

Alex Dunphy: Sanjay Patel and I have to dissect a pig today.
Haley Dunphy: Is that what passes for a date with you?
Claire Dunphy: Hey!
Alex Dunphy: He just asks me to hand him the instruments. He thinks of me as a nurse.
Luke Dunphy: That sounds more like one of Hayley's dates.

"Modern Family: Boys' Night (#2.18)" (2011)
Dylan: [about his shoes] I think I left them at your uncle's house.
Haley Dunphy: Oh, my God! This is a disaster!
Dylan: Maybe they'll think it's theirs.
Haley Dunphy: They're gay, they know what shoes they own!

Mitchell Pritchett: Hey, Haley.
Haley Dunphy: Oh, hey, Uncle Mitchell.
Mitchell Pritchett: Hey, is your mom home?
Haley Dunphy: No. She had to take Alex to the oncologist.
Mitchell Pritchett: Oh, my God. What's wrong?
Haley Dunphy: She needed new glasses.
Mitchell Pritchett: Oh. Did you mean the optometrist?
Haley Dunphy: Whatever.

"Modern Family: A Fair to Remember (#5.7)" (2013)
Andy: I hate to get all ballistic, but it has not been a pleasure meeting you.
Haley Dunphy: You kiss your imaginary girlfriend with that mouth?
Andy: Yes, I do. And she's not imaginary, she's real. She's a real girl.

Andy: Which one are you? You need to tell Mr. P. you broke one of his beers.
Haley Dunphy: I'm Alex. Who are you?
Andy: I'm their manny.
Haley Dunphy: Nice try. I know their Manny and you look nothing like him.
Andy: Oh, you're Haley!

"Modern Family: Two Monkeys and a Panda (#2.17)" (2011)
Alex Dunphy: Last week she wore my sweatshirt.
Haley Dunphy: I was doing it a favor. It was the first time the top half got any exercise.

Haley Dunphy: Fine. You're wearing my sweater, I'm wearing your T-shirt with that nerdy guy from Back To The Future.
Alex Dunphy: That's Albert Einstein, and he's not nerdy!
Claire Dunphy: Well...

"Modern Family: Weathering Heights (#8.4)" (2016)
[first lines]
Claire Dunphy: [entering the kitchen] Oh, thank god I smell coffee. This morning has gotten off to a bit of a rocky...
[seeing the heavy makeup on Phil]
Claire Dunphy: ...Horror Picture Show. What did you do to your face?
Phil Dunphy: Just a little color to make my eyes pop. Like yours are now.
Haley Dunphy: Is this how we find out you're transitioning? Oh, please don't pick a young name. The world doesn't need a fifty-year old Jasmine.

Alex Dunphy: Ugh. What is wrong with me? I feel so fuzzy.
Haley Dunphy: Oh, stop being so hard on yourself. It's just arm hair.
Alex Dunphy: [Haley leaves] I can't figure out this crossword puzzle. I... I think mono turned my mind to mush.
Claire Dunphy: What's the clue? Maybe I can help.
Alex Dunphy: [she laughs] Thanks, mom. Feels good to laugh.
Claire Dunphy: What is so funny? I am a well-read college graduate. I think I am capable of doing a crossword puzzle.
Alex Dunphy: Okay, professor. Six letter word, "Archimedes' exclamation".
Claire Dunphy: I don't like you right now.

"Modern Family: iSpy (#5.14)" (2014)
Phil Dunphy: I like technology as much as the next Wozniak, but you shouldn't spy on your son's phone.
Haley Dunphy: Nor should you try to friend them with fake Facebook accounts, Margot LeCroix.

Claire Dunphy: Are you absolutely sure?
Haley Dunphy: I'm going to tell you the truth and walk away. Deal?
Claire Dunphy: Deal.
Haley Dunphy: I'm 420 percent sure.
[walks away]
Phil Dunphy: My God, she's bad at math.

"Modern Family: Snip (#4.3)" (2012)
Luke Dunphy: Dad is getting an assectomy. I hear things.
Haley Dunphy: You're getting your tonsils out?
Alex Dunphy: Oh, my God! This family needs a dumbassectomy.

Haley Dunphy: [to Alex] Are you going Goth? You can't go Goth. You still have a stuffed panda.

"Modern Family: My Hero (#4.22)" (2013)
Phil Dunphy: Roller limbo! How low can you go?
Haley Dunphy: I'm on a roller rink with my family on a Saturday night. I win.

Alex Dunphy: Don't throw this in my face someday, but sometimes you can be really smart. Like smart smart.
Haley Dunphy: Oh, my God. Thanks. And by the way, I'm totally throwing that in your face someday. Are you kidding?

"Modern Family: Flip Flop (#4.20)" (2013)
Haley Dunphy: His name is Zack, and he went to college at a place called Mit.
Alex Dunphy: MIT.
Haley Dunphy: I know how to spell it.

Phil Dunphy: She's like the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.
Cameron Tucker: With cuter hair.
Haley Dunphy: Stop talking!
Cameron Tucker: She really is.

"Modern Family: Princess Party (#2.15)" (2011)
Phil Dunphy: You know when Nana DeDe comes to visit, your mom can get a little...
Haley Dunphy: Psycho?
Luke Dunphy: Angry?
Alex Dunphy: Drunk?
Phil Dunphy: All true.

Haley Dunphy: Gross, dad! Your hand smells like cheese.
Phil Dunphy: I didn't want to waste a knife.

"Modern Family: Fight or Flight (#6.15)" (2015)
Haley Dunphy: This crazy bitch just messed with the wrong crazy bitch.

"Modern Family: Queer Eyes, Full Hearts (#6.7)" (2014)
Gavin Sinclair: There are five things wrong with Nikki's outfit. What are they?
Haley Dunphy: Uh... she's standing right there.
Nikki: I'm dressed better than *she* is.
Haley Dunphy: [raises an eyebrow] The tank gives you a uni-boob, the watch is too big, the harem pants, the wedge boots, and come on, that belt? The 90's were over three years ago.
[turns back to Sinclair]
Haley Dunphy: And that's five. Now should I do you?

"Modern Family: Diamond in the Rough (#4.10)" (2012)
Claire Dunphy: I made you chocolate chip pancakes.
Haley Dunphy: Please. What am I, twelve?
Phil Dunphy: Dibs on her's!

"Modern Family: The Long Honeymoon (#6.1)" (2014)
Mitchell Pritchett: Hey guys.
Luke Dunphy: Sweet, you brought the sifter!
[hugs Mitch]
Luke Dunphy: Now I can start my rhubarb pie!
Haley Dunphy: Oh! Can I help pick the rhubarb?
Luke Dunphy: Lead the way, kitten.
Haley Dunphy: Eek!
[giddily leaves with Luke]
Phil Dunphy: Anybody want a plum?
Mitchell Pritchett: I'm good.
Phil Dunphy: 'Grab you a roadie!
Claire Dunphy: Hahaha! I like it.
Mitchell Pritchett: There is no easy way to ask this but are you all high?

"Modern Family: After the Fire (#3.8)" (2011)
[after Alex gets some nerds to give back a toy helicopter]
Haley Dunphy: What just happened?
Alex Dunphy: You have your fans, I have mine. One day, your fans will be working for my fans.

"Modern Family: Knock 'Em Down (#6.20)" (2015)
Haley Dunphy: I hope I'm as cool as you guys in thirty years.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Does she think we're fifty?
Mitchell Pritchett: No, she's just bad at math.

"Modern Family: Party Crasher (#4.12)" (2013)
Haley Dunphy: I see the look on his face every day. He acts as if he doesn't want me around!
Phil Dunphy: [returning in the other elevator and not seeing Haley] Give me the ticket. I'm going after her. This little 'chicken' game may work for your dad but it doesn't work for me! That's my little girl! I need her to know that no guy on Earth is good enough for her, much less a slimy middle-aged jeans salesman!

"Modern Family: Clean Out Your Junk Drawer (#7.8)" (2015)
Alex Dunphy: [on the phone] Hey, it's me. I broke up with Reuben. I knew he'd be crushed, so I did it quickly, like ripping off one of his Incredible Hulk band-aids. So how about you? Did you do it?
[cut to Haley, laying awkwardly in bed next to Andy]
Haley Dunphy: Yep. I sure did.

"Modern Family: Strangers in the Night (#6.9)" (2014)
Phil Dunphy: We're gonna have this boy over for dinner, and I'll serve a big heaping plate of I-told-you-so.
Haley Dunphy: And then we'll serve unicorn burgers and magic beans and I'll bring my boyfriend Bigfoot.
Claire Dunphy: Still better than Dylan.

"Modern Family: Best Men (#4.17)" (2013)
Haley Dunphy: I have better things to do than listen to Electric Light Dorkestra.
Claire Dunphy: Hayley, she's your sister!
Alex Dunphy: Actually, that's the name of our band.

"Modern Family: Spring-A-Ding-Fling (#5.16)" (2014)
Haley Dunphy: Do you want to get out of that dress?
Phil Dunphy: Not unless you want to see me in a New Year's baby diaper. That was the big finish for the music number.

"Modern Family: Little Bo Bleep (#3.13)" (2012)
Phil Dunphy: Some day I'll walk you down the aisle.
Haley Dunphy: If you're not in perv jail.

"Modern Family: Family Portrait (#1.24)" (2010)
Haley Dunphy: My pimple's starting to show.
Claire Dunphy: Can you stand?
Haley Dunphy: Yeah.
Claire Dunphy: Then this picture's happening.
Haley Dunphy: It's all everyone's gonna see!
Claire Dunphy: [Sees Gloria wearing a short, slinky dress] Somehow I doubt that.

"Modern Family: Yard Sale (#4.6)" (2012)
Claire Dunphy: Please. Not even John Mayer has a John Mayer poster.
Haley Dunphy: It's signed by him.
Claire Dunphy: Honey, it's time you knew: they all come that way.
Haley Dunphy: It says "To Haley".
Claire Dunphy: In a different color. Your dad wrote that.
Haley Dunphy: Ew! He wrote "Your body is a wonderland"!
Claire Dunphy: Didn't catch that until later.

"Modern Family: Crying Out Loud (#6.23)" (2015)
Haley Dunphy: How hard can it be to find a nerdy roommate? They're all just versions of you. Indian you, blonde you, Asian you... Oh, look! Her name is actually Yu.

"Modern Family: Marco Polo (#6.4)" (2014)
Alex Dunphy: Ugh! What's that?
Luke Dunphy: It's a body spray named Sex Grenade. One of the divorced men on the hotel recomended it.
Haley Dunphy: That smell is driving me crazy!
Luke Dunphy: Then it's working.

"Modern Family: The Future Dunphys (#4.19)" (2013)
Phil Dunphy: Hayley, you're not going to quit that job!
Haley Dunphy: What? Where is this coming from?
Phil Dunphy: Your future, and it's not pretty.
Haley Dunphy: I don't get it. In the future, I'm not pretty?
Phil Dunphy: No, you hold up okay, but you end up divorcing five guys with nicotine fingers.

"Modern Family: The Late Show (#5.5)" (2013)
Phil Dunphy: Stick around if you want to see your mom's tongue fall out of her mouth.
Haley Dunphy: Not unless you want to see my lunch fall out of mine.

"Modern Family: Lifetime Supply (#3.11)" (2012)
Haley Dunphy: Why do I even need to learn Spanish? I live in California. I'm never going to use it.

"Modern Family: Someone to Watch Over Lily (#2.20)" (2011)
Alex Dunphy: Where are we?
Haley Dunphy: The boys' locker room.
Alex Dunphy: It smells like feet.
Haley Dunphy: That's not feet.

"Modern Family: Connection Lost (#6.16)" (2015)
Haley Dunphy: Wait a second. How did you get onto my Facebook page? I unfriended you.
Alex Dunphy: She's Brody Kendall.
Haley Dunphy: Oh, my God, gross! I've been playing Candy Crush with my mother!

"Modern Family: Virgin Territory (#3.16)" (2012)
Phil Dunphy: We're gonna have to settle this dispute in court - the Food Court. The honorable Judge Cinnabon presiding.
Haley Dunphy: The food court? That place smells like the inside of Luke's bicycle helmet.
Alex Dunphy: I like the food court.
Lily Tucker-Pritchett: Me too.
Phil Dunphy: Don't worry, girls. We won't deprive ourselves just 'cause Hayley's aversion to...
Alex Dunphy: [laughs, then stops herself] Oh. Oh, Hayley's aversion. I thought you said... never mind.

"Modern Family: Punkin Chunkin (#3.9)" (2011)
Haley Dunphy: Saying nothing is not lying, okay? It's just letting the truth speak for itself.
Alex Dunphy: This is not the time for moral equivocation.
Haley Dunphy: Okay, I don't know what that means, and also, don't tell me.
Alex Dunphy: You're the one who's going to lose her driving privileges. I don't know why you're so calm.
Haley Dunphy: All we have to do is keep it from mom until she goes to the store. Then, when she sees it, she'll assume that it happened there, which it did. So it's not really lying.
Alex Dunphy: Listen to you! Are you gonna be a career criminal?
Haley Dunphy: [scoffs] Oh, you sound like mom. I don't know what I'm gonna do after high school!

"Modern Family: Integrity (#6.21)" (2015)
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: You need to stand up for yourself.
Haley Dunphy: Do you know how easy it is for you to say that?
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: No, nothing in English is easy for me to say.

"Modern Family: Unplugged (#2.5)" (2010)
Claire Dunphy: We're going to get them off electronics with the promise of more electronics?
Luke Dunphy: I want chicken pot pie.
Phil Dunphy: And chicken.
Haley Dunphy: I want a car.
Claire Dunphy: No way!
Phil Dunphy: Done!
[Hayley, Alex, and luke all scream in excitement]
Haley Dunphy: I'm getting a car!
Phil Dunphy: Yeah! Fun, right?
Claire Dunphy: No, no, no! Phil, we cannot afford a third car.
Phil Dunphy: Relax. They're never going to last as long as us.
Claire Dunphy: Oh, honey. Don't take this the wrong way... but I have almost no faith in you.

"Modern Family: Hit and Run (#3.5)" (2011)
Claire Dunphy: Phil, where are you, honey? I need to talk to you. Do you know what our daughter did?
Phil Dunphy: [trying to cover up Alex's stupor] Nothing. She's fine. She's reading.
Claire Dunphy: No, not her. Haley. Haley, come over here. I wanna talk to you.
Phil Dunphy: There she is! Not a scratch on her.
Claire Dunphy: You have something you wanna say to us?
Haley Dunphy: Uh...
Claire Dunphy: Mmm... let me help you out here. Fake IDs?
Phil Dunphy: What?
Claire Dunphy: Mm-hmm. Haley tried to get her and her friends some fake IDs.
Haley Dunphy: I wasn't going to use them for drinking. We just wanted to get into this club to see a band.
Claire Dunphy: She took a bunch of money from them, and then she lost it.
Phil Dunphy: How much?
Alex Dunphy: [slurring] $900.
Phil Dunphy, Claire Dunphy: You're kidding me!/Oh my god!
Haley Dunphy: It's not my fault! I gave the money to this guy. He's the one who ripped us off.
Claire Dunphy: [to Luke] What happened to your face?
Luke Dunphy: Oh. I ran into a door.
Phil Dunphy: Yeah.
Claire Dunphy: What happened to your face?
Luke Dunphy: Dad hit me.
Phil Dunphy: It was an accident. I was trying to open up a Band-Aid.
Claire Dunphy: Phil!

"Modern Family: Other People's Children (#5.17)" (2014)
Haley Dunphy: You know what? I'd rather go on a date with someone who would go through a blizzard for me and only honks for the troops.
Scott: I don't understand you.
Haley Dunphy: Neither do I!

"Modern Family: The Wow Factor (#4.18)" (2013)
Phil Dunphy: [Shows Alex and Hayley the water heater] Okay, what are we looking at?
Haley Dunphy: Photosynthesis.
Phil Dunphy: [after a pause] In a way, yes. Just as photosynthesis turns carbon dioxide into oxygen, this water heater turns cold water into hot.
Alex Dunphy: What turns this conversation into over?

"Modern Family: The Party (#7.18)" (2016)
Haley Dunphy: I was so drunk I thought they were stoned.

"Modern Family: Arrested (#4.7)" (2012)
Haley Dunphy: In Legally Blonde, Elle won her case because she was true to herself and dressed cute.
Phil Dunphy: Haley, this is real life, not an excellent movie.

"Modern Family: The Old Wagon (#2.1)" (2010)
Haley Dunphy, Alex Dunphy, Luke Dunphy: What's the plan, Phil?

"Modern Family: Three Dinners (#5.13)" (2014)
Haley Dunphy: Don't get me wrong, I drink all the time, but A: not with my parents; but also, I know they're up to something, and I can't handle this right now. I barely had ten hours of sleep last night.

"Modern Family: Airport 2010 (#1.22)" (2010)
Haley Dunphy: Hey, check out that cute guy.
Alex Dunphy: He's out of your league. He's reading a book.
Haley Dunphy: Yeah, I know.

"Modern Family: Send Out the Clowns (#3.18)" (2012)
Phil Dunphy: [a rival realtor has stolen his account] You're not gonna believe this. Mitzi got the listing.
Claire Dunphy: Oh, no, honey. That's awful!
Phil Dunphy: She cheated, she lied, and she won. Kids, gather round.
Haley Dunphy: Again, we are gathered.
Phil Dunphy: You want to get ahead? Don't play by the rules. Turns out nice guys finish last in this cold dog-eat-dog world.
Luke Dunphy: It's not fair. Why don't you play dirty, too? You could take her down.
Claire Dunphy: Oh, honey, 'cause your dad is a better man than that. He has values and morals and...
Phil Dunphy: Shh... You, keep talking.
Luke Dunphy: Well, just off the top of my head, you could take my spy pen an record her admitting what she did. And then you could play it for those people so they'd realize what a jerk she is.
Claire Dunphy: Your dad is never gonna do that.
Phil Dunphy: You're a regular chatterbox today. Get me that pen!

"Modern Family: Won't You Be Our Neighbor (#6.5)" (2014)
Claire Dunphy: Everyone pretend to be gardening. Luke, grab that hoe.
[Luke grabs Haley]
Haley Dunphy: That's not what she meant! Is it?

"Modern Family: Strangers on a Treadmill (#2.4)" (2010)
Haley Dunphy: The world is divided into two groups: cool girls and girls like you. And you have been given a rare opportunity to move from the former to the latter.
Alex Dunphy: The latter to the former.
Haley Dunphy: Whatever. Oh, my God, you're such a geek! Now, do you want to be smart, or do you want to popular?

"Modern Family: New Year's Eve (#4.11)" (2013)
Alex Dunphy: You sure you don't want to play Hunger Games with us?
Haley Dunphy: My whole life is a Hunger Game. Why do you think I'm so mean to you all the time?

"Modern Family: Double Click (#7.22)" (2016)
Andy: Hey. Got your message. I know you probably didn't mean "Come over right away," but you know how paranoid-y I can be, so...
Haley Dunphy: We should talk in my room.
Andy: [smile fades] O... kay
Phil Dunphy: Andy! Hey, hold on a sec. Um... I know we didn't get to finish our talk earlier because of Alex's surprise pop-in. Listen, if you're not taking that job in Utah because of me, you're making a mistake. I love you and me together, but it would break my heart if I was the reason you gave up this dream career opportunity, because, honestly, I don't know how much of a future there is here. But if our bond is as strong as I think it is... we'll work our way back to each other.
Andy: Okay.
[Phil shakes Andy's hand, then leaves the room]
Haley Dunphy: [tearfully] What he said.

"Modern Family: A Hard Jay's Night (#5.19)" (2014)
Haley Dunphy: Haley
[playing Scrabble]
Haley Dunphy: "How am I supposed to play with all these I's on my rack?"
Manny Delgado: Manny
Manny Delgado: "Sorry!"

"Modern Family: Disneyland (#3.22)" (2012)
Haley Dunphy: [to Dylan, in a Little John costume] Why are you dancing like that?
Dylan: This is what Little John does, maybe. I don't even know which movie this dude's from.

"Modern Family: ClosetCon '13 (#5.8)" (2013)
Alex Dunphy: Will you get her off me? I'm getting dumber through osmosis.
Haley Dunphy: I don't have osmosis.

"Modern Family: Bixby's Back (#2.14)" (2011)
Haley Dunphy: I can't get any lower.
Manny Delgado: You can talk to me.
Haley Dunphy: And I just got lower.

"Modern Family: Regrets Only (#2.16)" (2011)
Alex Dunphy: What are the specials today?
Haley Dunphy: We are all out of specials.
Alex Dunphy: What where they?
Haley Dunphy: Popular, which you wouldn't understand.

"Modern Family: Larry's Wife (#5.3)" (2013)
Haley Dunphy: Can I join in?
Luke Dunphy: We kinda have a no-girls policy.
Haley Dunphy: Is that a policy or just something that keeps happening?
Luke Dunphy: The second one.

"Modern Family: Mother's Day (#2.21)" (2011)
Haley Dunphy: [hiking with her family] I'm so bored, I'd rather be reading.
Alex Dunphy: I'm so bored, I chewed the last bug that flew into my mouth just to feel something.
Haley Dunphy: I'm so bored, I'm talking to you.