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Quotes for
Coach Brackett (Character)
from Porky's (1981)

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Porky's (1981)
Coach Brakett: That's angel food cake. You touch her and the Food and Drug Administration will get ya for fucking food.

Balbricker: Now, Mr. Carter. I know this is completely unorthodox. But I think this is the only way to find that boy. Now that penis had a mole on it - I'd recognize that penis anywhere. In spite of the juvenile snickers of some, this is a serious matter. That seducer and despoiler must be stopped; he's extremely dangerous. And, Mr. Carter, I'm certain that everyone in this room knows who that is. He's a contemptible little pervert who...
Mr. Carter: Miss Balbricker!
Balbricker: Well, I'm sorry, but I've got him now, and I'm not going to let him slip through my fingers again. Now, all I'm asking is that you give me five boys for a few minutes. The coaches can be present - Tommy Turner and any four boys you see fit to choose and we... and we... can put a stop to this menace. And it is a menace.
[pause]
Balbricker: Well, what are you gonna do about it?
Mr. Carter: Five young boys in the nude, a police line-up so that you can identify his tallywhacker. Please, please can we call it a "tallywhacker"? Penis is so ppp... penis is so personal.
Balbricker: We can put hoods over their heads to avoid embarrassment. Now listen: we have got to do it, as distasteful as it is. I know it's him. That
[pause]
Balbricker: tallywhacker had a mole on it. And that mole is the key to it.
Mr. Carter: Miss Balbricker, do you realize the difficulty of your request? Now, I would be very happy to, uh, to apprehend the young man myself. But can you imagine what the board of education would say if you were granted a line-up in order to examine their private pa... their private parts for an incriminating mole?
Balbricker: But Mr. Carter.
Coach Brakett: Mr. Carter, I think I have a way out of this. We, uh, call the police, and we have 'em send over one of their sketch artists. And Miss Balbricker can give a description. We can put up "Wanted" posters all over school... "Have you seen this prick? Report immediately to Beulah Balbricker. Do not attempt to apprehend this prick, as it is armed and dangerous. It was last seen hanging out in the girls' locker room at Angel Beach High School."

Coach Brakett: She's a virgin.
Coach Goodenough: Yeah, and the Pope's Jewish.

Coach Brakett: [regarding Miss Honeywell] Oh boy, would I like to get next to that.
Coach Warren: Ah yes, Lassie.
Coach Brakett: Lassie?
Coach Warren: Patience my boy, patience.
Coach Brakett: Why do they call her Lassie?
Coach Warren: Why do you think?
Coach Brakett: I dunno.
Coach Warren: Awooooooo.
Coach Brakett: You callin' her a dog? That's angel food cake.
Coach Warren: Well, what can I tell ya?
Coach Brakett: You can tell me why they call her Lassie.
Coach Warren: Just get her up in the equipment room, and you'll find out. But beware of King Kong.

Coach Brakett: [Walks up on the gang while Ted and Brian are away from the gang talking about his plan for revenge against Porky] Count me in.
Tommy Turner: [Sees him] You could get fired, Coach.
Coach Brakett: Are you kidding? I gotta be the worst coach that ever lived.
[They all laugh]
Coach Brakett: I'm long gone after this semester, anyway. And don't call me Coach anymore. Call me Roy. I'm only 23 for Christ sake.
Tommy Turner: You look much older.
Coach Brakett: Why don't you go and sit on a snake, Turner.
[Tommy laughs; Roy shows the kids a scar on his head]
Coach Brakett: You see this? Porky gave me that about 6 years ago. I always wanted a shot at that mutha. I'd feed him his nuts for lunch.

Balbricker: [See's Miss Honeywell and Coach Brackett in the stairwell as she is about to come down] Miss Honeywell, do you mind?
Honeywell: [Quietly but sarcastically] Do I mind what?
Balbricker: [as she starts down the stairs past them] Look at this. The two of you squirming around like a pair of eels in heat. It's a disgrace.
Honeywell: [Getting in her face] Yeah? Well it's certainly better than stomping and waddling around like a frilly hippopotamus, Beulah!
Balbricker: [Hissing] What did you call me?
Honeywell: Beulah. Beulah Ball-breaker.
Balbricker: [Yelling] Who do you think you're talking to?
Honeywell: [Voice slowly increasing in volume] Well, if I heard of herty-gerty, I would think I was talking to the fat lady in the circus, but as it stands I guess I'm talking to a bunch of bad news named Beulah, Beulah, BEULAH!
Coach Brakett: [Get's up] Look ladies...
Honeywell: [Both she and Balbricker push him back down; without even looking at him] You butt out!
Balbricker: Moral turpitude.
Honeywell: What?
Balbricker: [Louder] Moral turpitude! Read your contract, Miss Honeywell! I'll have you fired for moral turpitude!
Honeywell: [as Balbricker continues down the stairs] Take your moral turpitude and stick up your old gazoo, Beulah!
Coach Brakett: [Stands up, concerned] Moral turpitude? Gee, I don't know, Lynn.
Honeywell: Oh, come on.
[Runs upstairs pulling him by his hand, making him stumble up with her]