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Quotes for
Ted Jarvis (Character)
from Porky's (1981)

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Porky's (1981)
Ted Jarvis: [after watching Mickey get taken away in an ambulance] I'll see you guys later.
Tommy Turner: Hey Ted, we're going too.
Ted Jarvis: [Upon hearing this, he slams the door to his car and turns back to Tommy] No you're not! It's bad enough we have to go into their jurisdiction without having to add the charge of contributing to the delinquency of a minor!
Pee Wee Morris: But he...
Ted Jarvis: No "buts", Pee-Wee! I don't wanna see any of you boys get hurt.
Brian Schwartz: [Walks up] Nobody has to get hurt.
Ted Jarvis: What's that, Brian?
Brian Schwartz: Nobody has to get hurt, and your career doesn't have to be in jeopardy.
Ted Jarvis: Well, I'm all for that, Brian. What do you have in mind?
Brian Schwartz: It doesn't have to be tonight, right?
Ted Jarvis: Nope. It doesn't have to be tonight.
Brian Schwartz: Good.

Porky: [as the pig mobile pulls up behind the tow truck and they all get out, to Ted] I want those mosey little mothas arrested, and I mean like right now! Those boys just destroyed my night club.
Ted Jarvis: How'd they do that?
Porky: They've been coming in the last couple of weeks.
Ted Jarvis: Which ones?
Porky: [Points to Tim then Mickey] This one, and that little bastard back there!
Ted Jarvis: [Points to them himself] You mean this sixteen year old and this seventeen year old youngster were frequenting your establishment?
Sheriff Wallace: [Butts in] They've been coming in before! This ain't the first time, especially that little sun-of-a-bitch...
Porky: [Stops him, now uneasy] Look, we may have made a mistake. They're obviously youngsters.
Sheriff Wallace: What are you talking about, Pork?
Porky: [Quietly, emphasizing] They're youngsters!
Sheriff Wallace: [to Ted] No, look! Those boys just destroyed my station house! Destroyed two of my cars! I want them booked on felony charges of destruction of private property, and assault and battery!
Ted Jarvis: Now hold on, Sheriff.
Sheriff Wallace: "Hold on", my ass!
Ted Jarvis: [Brandishing his rifle] You're in *my* county now! I wonder what I could book you for.
[Looks over the car, then breaks one of the headlights with the butt of his rifle]
Mickey: [as everyone cheers and laughs] Get him, brother!
Ted Jarvis: [to Porky] Broken headlight. That's a $50 fine in Seward County.
Porky: [Pulls a $50 bill from his wad of cash] Got that right here.
[Ted then cocks his rifle and shoots the left front tire of the car, Porky is then seen clearing out his ear, then quietly to his brother]
Porky: Damn!
Ted Jarvis: Blown tire.
[Shrugs]
Ted Jarvis: That's too bad.
[Everyone laughs, he then shoots the radiator and we hear the pig whistle horn die]
Ted Jarvis: Broken radiator. This car's a mess.
[More laughter from the crowd; he then reloads and aims at the hood ornament from his hip]
Meat: [Leading the cheers] Do it! Do it!
[He does]
Porky: [Quietly throwing a fit] Daw shit!
Porky: Broken hood ornament. And questions?

Porky: [to Ted] Alright how much do you want?
Ted Jarvis: I'll let you off on the promise that you get your fat ass back across that county line, and the promise from your brother that all piccatilling that may have occurred tonight will be forgotten.
Sheriff Wallace: [to Ted] Why don't you stick it up your...
[Porky covers his mouth]
Porky: Promise him, for Christ sakes! Promise him!
Sheriff Wallace: [Removes Porky's hand] Yeah, I promise to shove my foot...
[Porky re-covers his mouth, then gets in his face]
Porky: Promise him, you asshole, or you'll be back shoveling the pig shit!
Sheriff Wallace: [Pulls his hand away again, then turns away disgusted, quietly] I promise.
Ted Jarvis: [Almost taunting him] What's that? I couldn't hear ya!
Sheriff Wallace: [Turns back, yelling] I said I promise, you mother...
[Porky covers his mouth once again, he removes it]
Sheriff Wallace: I promise.
[Everyone cheers]
Ted Jarvis: [to Porky] Alright, now get this car out of Seward County.
Porky: You blew away our engine and we have a flat tire. How?
Porky: [Pats him] Just put a little weight behind it. I'm sure you boys can manage that.
Porky: [Ted walks away, to his goons] Alright get your shoulders behind this thing.
[as they push the car back towards the county line, the celebration begins]