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Quotes for
Wilfred (Character)
from "Wilfred" (2011)

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"Wilfred: Doubt (#1.11)" (2011)
Ryan Newman: Wilfred... This thing we have. The way we communicate. Have you ever had this sort of relationship with anyone else?
Wilfred: Why do you ask?
Ryan Newman: Have you?
Wilfred: It happened once before. I was at a party. And this guy looked right at me and said: "Hey! What's up, dog? I see you. And I know what you're up to." And I said, "well, I see you too. If you got something to say, say it." Turns out he was talking to the guy right behind me, who had been banging his wife. Ryan, please tell me there's not been a guy standing right behind me ever since we've met?
[laughs nervously]
Ryan Newman: So nobody else?
Wilfred: You're one of a kind, Ryan.

Wilfred: 23 inches, Ryan!

Ryan Newman: [Wilfred and Bruce are fighting] Stop!
[fires a shot up in the air]
Wilfred: Not up there, you idiot! He's down here!

Ryan Newman: I really think I'm gonna be all right.
Wilfred: Of course you are. I'm not going anywhere.

Wilfred: I met Bruce while I was infiltrating the police department for some Irish mobster.
Ryan Newman: The Departed?

"Wilfred: Compassion (#1.9)" (2011)
Ryan Newman: He seems a little... grumpy.
Jenna Mueller: Yeah, sometimes he gets like this when his mommy is getting out of town.
Wilfred: "When his mommy is getting out of town..." Like I give a shit.

Catherine Newman: Come join me, my child!
Wilfred: Thought you'd never ask!
[Wilfred runs towards the paint, roll in it and joins her on the painting]

Ryan Newman: I'm not crazy!
Wilfred: Said the man to the dog.

Ryan Newman: Where did you get this?
Catherine Newman: I found Wilfred chewing on it last night.
Ryan Newman: [to Wilfred] You son of a bitch!
Wilfred: How is that an insult? I've never understood that.

"Wilfred: Sacrifice (#1.12)" (2011)
Ryan Newman: Just because I'm leaving doesn't mean we can't still be friends.
Wilfred: Friends? What, you thought we were actually...
Wilfred: That is hilarious. And a little embarrassing for you, because I never really saw us like that.
Mr. Patel: How much for this piece of shit flatscreen TV?
Wilfred: You're selling the TV? That is the coldest end of our friendship!

Wilfred: [in Ryan's dream] Ryan Newman. You stand accused of ditching out on the cable guy, not coming up with anything better than undies on the face.
Ryan Newman: Wha... what is all this?
Wilfred: And the gravest of all charges: selfishly refusing to make a sacrifice for the one you love. These charges are, uh, very serious. They're very serious... charges. As for the seriousness of these charges... They are, well, they're deadly serious. And they are charges.
Ryan Newman: What are you talking about?
Wilfred: Mr. Newman. It would be wise to let your council speak for you.
[Ryan looks over at the council table, where Bear sits]
Ryan Newman: Bear?

Wilfred: [in Ryan's dream] Who is the Archaeologist?
Ryan Newman: That's in the past.
Wilfred: The witness will answer. Who is the Archaeologist?
Ryan Newman: I am!
Wilfred: That's what they used to call you at your father's firm, isn't it? Because you used to dig up dirt of the opposition.
Ryan Newman: All right! I admit it. What I did was completely unethical! But I was only trying to please my father!
Wilfred: You wanna talk about ethics? Is it not unethical to desert the woman you love in her time of need?
Cinzia: Me.
Jenna Mueller: No, me.
Drew: Bro!
Ryan Newman: These are... I just wanna be happy!
Wilfred: How can you be happy, knowing that Jenna's life will be ruined if you abandon her! We all have to make sacrifices for the people we love. It's time to make a choice. What are you going to do?
The Attendance: Jenna! Jenna! Jenna! Jenna! Jenna! Jenna! Jenna!
Ryan Newman: Please...
Wilfred: What are you going to do?
[the attendance continues to call Jenna's name. Ryan wakes up, freaked out. He looks at Cinzia with pain in his face]

[last lines]
Ryan Newman: I guess we all have to make sacrifices.
Wilfred: Yes, we do. I'm curious, Ryan. What changed your mind?
Ryan Newman: [looks over at Jenna] I had a dream.
Wilfred: Well. Never underestimate the power of a dream.

"Wilfred: Acceptance (#1.4)" (2011)
Wilfred: Kristen's always busting balls. Why doesn't she try licking them?

Wilfred: He's just giving constructive criticism! Don't take it personally.
Ryan Newman: Well, it doesn't get more personal than I "play bass like busted vagina".

Ryan Newman: All week long I've been clicking this and giving you a treat every time you sat down. Now I don't even have to give you a treat and you still sit down.
Wilfred: I have to hand it to you, Ryan... You humans do possess the superior intellect.

"Wilfred: Pride (#1.7)" (2011)
Wilfred: I don't know, Ryan. Sometimes I get the feeling that maybe Bear isn't the one.
Ryan Newman: Maybe you need to spice things up. Take Bear to a nice restaurant.

Wilfred: Did you forget what we did last night?
Ryan Newman: It's Monopoly. It's not real money. How many times do I have to tell you that?
Wilfred: One more times.
Ryan Newman: It's not real money.
Wilfred: Shit!
[throws the money out of the car]

Ryan Newman: May I speak with you? Privately.
Wilfred: Anything you wanna say to me, you can say in front of Bear.
Ryan Newman: Okay. So, last night at Beth's...
Wilfred: Whoa! Let's take it upstairs. Not cool, dude!
Ryan Newman: You said I could say anything. I assumed it was an open relationship.
Wilfred: It is! But Bear doesn't know that!

"Wilfred: Identity (#1.13)" (2011)
[first lines]
Ryan Newman: What are you doing?
Wilfred: I'm writing my will. After I'm gone, I don't want you and Bear fighting over my shit. Or any of my other stuff.

Wilfred: Are you sure you want to know?
Ryan Newman: Is this a joke?
Wilfred: It's not. Ryan, remember the night before we met? The pills you took?
Ryan Newman: Yes...?
Wilfred: They worked, mate. I'm sorry, Ryan. They worked. You must have notived things here are... different. Seems a little... off, right?
Ryan Newman: Am I...?
Wilfred: No. You're somewhere in between. Your future depends on the outcome of that settlement meeting tomorrow. If Jenna gets her job back, well... you get to move on.
Ryan Newman: So none of this is really happening?
Wilfred: Everything on the island is real. The rest is an illusion.
Ryan Newman: What island?
Wilfred: Ah, forget the last bit.
Ryan Newman: WILFRED!
Wilfred: Shhh! Smoke monster!
Ryan Newman: I've seen Lost, Wilfred.
Wilfred: What did you think of the ending?
Ryan Newman: Why can't I get a straight answer out of you?
Wilfred: Come on, Ryan! These are big existential questions, best left for boring Russian novelist and teenagers on acid! Real people don't think about this shit.

Ryan Newman: This is nothing compared to some of the shit you've pulled.
Wilfred: Yeah, but you're not me! You're a good person! And you're a person!

"Wilfred: Conscience (#1.6)" (2011)
Ryan Newman: He's a sore loser. Look, all I have to do is beat him at something, and make sure Jenna's there to see him lose his shit.
Wilfred: That's the stupidest, most ridiculous... Actually, that's pretty good. But there's one problem. Drew's a born winner, and you're... you.

Ryan Newman: Behold... The instrument of Drew's destruction. Bzzmm... My ping pong paddle from when I was all state table tennis champion.
Wilfred: So, chemistry, biking and ping pong. I guess my only question is, why were you not blowjobbed to death by the entire cheerleading squad?

Ryan Newman: What's the one thing Jenna hates most about Drew?
Wilfred: Vaginal tearing from his huge cock.

"Wilfred: Isolation (#1.10)" (2011)
Wilfred: Turn your back on the pack, and the pack will turn on you. Any dog would tell you that.

Ryan Newman: I would never...
Wilfred: Never what? Shit in your neighbor's boot? Have sex with a stuffed giraffe in front of a small child? You'd be surprised what we're capable of once we put our mind to it.
Ryan Newman: Our mind?

Wilfred: [about Trashface] He got what he wanted.
Ryan Newman: To be remembered as a dead homeless junkie who stole their stuff?
Wilfred: Exactly. To be remembered.

"Wilfred: Honey You're Killing the Dog (#2.4)" (2010)
Adam Douglas: Wilfred? Wilfred! Here you go, mate!
[hands Wilfred Neapolitan ice cream]
Wilfred: Adam, don't let anyone tell you, "you are a mediocre man who can't get laid", or that I should be put on a diet of dry food.

Wilfred: [Wilfred breaks in after Adam locks the house] I'm inside, Adam... Adam, you are *fucked!*

"Wilfred: Letting Go (#2.2)" (2012)
Ryan Newman: Wilfred, I know you're having trouble remembering who I am. But I hope that with time...
Wilfred: I remember you, Ryan. Memory is like the Packers when they're behind with two touchdowns in the fourth quarter. It comes back.

Ryan Newman: What do you want me to say? I need your help.
Wilfred: What about my problems? You don't think I'm dying inside right now, because Drew thinks I'm a loser?
Ryan Newman: Uh, I guess I never thought about it.
Wilfred: If this bromance is gonna work, we need to have an equal relationship. Like those two guys over there.
[points to a man and his dog]
Ryan Newman: Those... guys?
Wilfred: Yeah. See that one guy? He's scratching the other guy behind the ear. And the first guy, he's aight, because he's helping the other guy. He's his friend. And now the first guy, he's throwing that ball. And the other guy, the naked hairy guy, he's running and bringing it back, 'cause that's what's bros do for each other. It goes both ways, R-r-r-ryyyy-cherona.

"Wilfred: Anger (#1.8)" (2011)
Wilfred: Why won't you tell me about Sneakers?
Ryan Newman: Because I killed him! Okay? I killed him.
Wilfred: Well. That's a relief.

Wilfred: All right. I've been thinking it over, and I know what happened last night. After I went to sleep, you somehow managed to plant some sort of homo chip planted in my brain.
Ryan Newman: Okay. You caught me. Let's go to the vet and get that removed.

"Wilfred: Respect (#1.5)" (2011)
Ryan Newman: Well, here we are.
Wilfred: Whoa! You said we were going for a walk. A walk, Ryan, which by definition means no destination! Even a cat knows that.

Lisa: Oh, my God! Your dog.
Wilfred: Officer, I swear! She told me she was straight.
Ryan Newman: I'm sorry, I'll get him out of...
Lisa: No, no, no! He... He sensed that Mr. Gordon leaving us, and he... he didn't want him to die alone. Your dog did a beautiful thing.
Ryan Newman: He did?
[Lisa nods]
Ryan Newman: Well, compassion was the first thing I taught him.

"Wilfred: Resistance (#4.9)" (2014)
Wilfred: All your questions will be answered, Ryan. Eventually. But the big answers are like those missing kids on the milk cartons. They don't want to be found. They'll turn up when they're ready.

"Wilfred: Secrets (#2.13)" (2012)
Wilfred: You're no crazier than anybody else.
Ryan Newman: Said the dog to the man.

"Wilfred: Trust (#1.2)" (2011)
Wilfred: If you dumped a tidy piece like that over the saintly act of knuckle busting your anus hole I'd say that makes you the freak.

"Wilfred: Now (#2.5)" (2012)
Wilfred: I mean, I've heard of trauma causing blindness, like when Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles walked in on each other masturbating.

"Wilfred: Comfort (#3.2)" (2013)
Wilfred: He broke the glass and freed me from death's clutches. It was Jesus!
Ryan Newman: And Jesus stole my radio?
Wilfred: The Lord works in mysterious ways.

"Wilfred: Happiness (#1.1)" (2011)
Ryan Newman: What do you want?
Wilfred: I want my goddamn ball.