Shirley Bennett
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Quotes for
Shirley Bennett (Character)
from "Community" (2009)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"Community: Comparative Religion (#1.12)" (2009)
Shirley: Uh, quick question. Are you all coming to my Christmas party right after the final, or are you stopping home to change into your Christmas outfits?
Annie: [Breaking the silence] I guess I could wear one of my Hanukkah sweaters.
Shirley: Uh, Annie.
Shirley: I didn't know you weren't, uh, Christian.
Annie: Yep. One might even say I'm Jewish.
Shirley: [Faking tolerance] Oh, tha-that's good for you. Tha-that's wonderful. I respect all religions of the world.
Abed: I'm Muslim.
Troy: Jehovah's Witness.
Britta: Atheist.
Shirley: [With raised eyebrows] The Lord is testing me.

Shirley: You realize there's no other way for me to take this than as a giant middle finger to the most important day of the year.
Jeff Winger: December 10?

Shirley: I'm not mad. I'm dissapointed.
Jeff Winger: That's mom for mad.

Shirley: I did my best to create a special Christmas for my *one* intact family... and this is the thanks I get.
Annie: Shirley, you are a guilt machine.
Pierce Hawthorne: And Annie knows a thing or two about guilt. Am I right, Jew?
Annie: Say the whole word!
Pierce Hawthorne: ...Jewie?

Shirley: Oh, look. Britta brought what she believes in: nothing.

"Community: Romantic Expressionism (#1.15)" (2010)
Britta: Fine! I cared. I'm a girly girl. I like boys, and I don't like it when they're mean to me, and I don't like it when they stop kissing me and start kissing my friends, I'm not that cool, I'm not JUNO, homeslice.
Jeff Winger: This is what this was about for you? You were jealous?
Britta: Oh, please. You can't tell me you weren't jealous that Vaughn had his hippie hands all over your debate-slash-make-out partner.
Annie Edison: What are you insinuating? I took that kiss for the team!
Jeff Winger: What?... yeah. That kiss wasn't for pleasure, it was strategic and joyless.
Annie Edison: What?... yeah.
Troy: You did get weirdly specific describing Annie's body.
Jeff Winger: More specific than the stuff you told me about Britta?
Britta, Annie Edison: What?
Shirley Bennett: Does anyone get specific about me?
Pierce Hawthorne: Check your e-mail.
Shirley Bennett: I mark you as spam.
Pierce Hawthorne: Who the hell is Pam?

Abed: When you guys first came in, we were as wholesome as the family in the Brady Bunch. Now we're as dysfunctional and incestuous as the cast of the Brady Bunch.
Shirley Bennett: I agree with Abed. This is getting creepy.
Annie Edison: No more creepy than when Jeff wears tight jeans and you say, "I'd like to slap those buns on the grill!"
Shirley Bennett: First of all, I don't talk like that, and second of all where I'm from it's perfectly normal for women to talk about their male friends' backsides. You don't see me saying anything about Abed and Troy's weird little relationship.
Abed, Troy: [to each other] They're just jealous.

Drug Dealer: [On movie "Kickpuncher"] Wanna get some mega-dope? It'll get you mega-high.
Shirley Bennett: Will it get me through this movie?

Shirley Bennett: Usually, I walk out on a bad movie, but this sounds collegy.

Britta: We see ourselves as your Greendale parents.
Annie Edison: You're not my mom, Britta. She would never wear boots that go that high. And what about treating me as a friend and an adult?
Britta: Oh, you wanna be treated as an adult and a friend. Then try not stealing your friend's ex-boyfriend. Find your own man.
Shirley Bennett: Ooh!
Annie Edison: But you don't like Vaughn.
Britta: No, I don't. I also don't like seeing him with anyone else. Tada!
Annie Edison: But you said it was okay.
Britta: Fine! I cared. I'm a girly-girl. I like boys and I don't like it when they're mean to me and I don't like it when they stop kissing me and start kissing my friends. I'm not that cool, okay, I'm not Juno, homeslice.

"Community: Modern Warfare (#1.23)" (2010)
[Shirley is "killed" in the paintball battle]
Shirley Bennett: [sadly] I'm going home.
Britta Perry: [sadly] Yes, you are.
Shirley Bennett: No, seriously. I'm going home. Can you help me up?

Britta Perry: Shirley, I'm gonna win that prize for you and your boys!
Shirley Bennett: That's nice.
Jeff Winger: Shirley, I'm gonna win that prize, but not for you or your boys!
Shirley Bennett: That's less nice.

Shirley Bennett: They remind me of Sam and Diane. I hated Sam and Diane.
Annie Edison: Who are Sam and Diane?
Shirley Bennett: All right, we get it. You're young.

Troy Barnes: You thinking what I'm thinking?
Shirley Bennett: Mmm-hmm. Our team's walking with God.
Troy Barnes: I'm thinking we may already be the only seven left. In which case, this is a window for the two of us to take out the others.
Shirley Bennett: Real nice, Troy. That would great PR for the black students.
Troy Barnes: I'm not an ambassador. I am a gladiator. Now, do you want to win or not?
[Troy gets shot]
Shirley Bennett: Troy made God mad!

"Community: Cooperative Calligraphy (#2.8)" (2010)
Britta Perry: [while reading Abed's notebook] Oh my God, are you charting our menstral cycles?
Annie Edison: What? Gross!
Shirley Bennett: Abed, this is so personal... and so accurate.

Shirley Bennett: Uh, Jeff, you don't have a bag?
Jeff Winger: Oh, I could never deprive the world of a portion of my chest the strap would cover.

Abed Nadir: You're last up, Shirley. Dump your comedically huge bag and end this.
Shirley Bennett: Uh. No, thank you.
Annie Edison: Well, well, well, Harvey Keitel.
Troy Barnes: Well, what do you know, Henry David Thoreau?
Britta Perry: My oh my, Mike Ty... son. Just empty the bag.
Shirley Bennett: No, I don't have Annie's pen. I'm simply a Christian woman who doesn't open her bag.
[a minute later, she tries to leave. Pierce blocks her]
Pierce Hawthorne: Nice try, Stephen Fry.
Britta Perry: [frustrated] Stephen Fry!

Britta Perry: Let's rustle through your tampons and wallet so we can apologize to you.
Shirley Bennett: I'm sure everybody here knows I don't steal.
Annie Edison: Have you checked your bag, Shirley? If you took it by mistake, I forgive you.
Britta Perry: If I took it, it's larceny. If you find it under mother hen, it's a mistake.
Shirley Bennett: Mother hen? We're about the same age.
Britta Perry: Sure, unless time is linear.
Shirley Bennett: I'll make your ass linear!
Britta Perry: That doesn't make any sense.
Shirley Bennett: I'll make your ass sense.

"Community: Politics of Human Sexuality (#1.11)" (2009)
Annie Edison: [looking at the model penis] I had it wrong. Is that considered large?
Britta Perry: [at the same time as Shirley] Yes.
Shirley Bennett: [at the same time as Britta] No.

Gail the School Counselor: I want to focus on the girl who won't say "penis". This is a judgement free zone, so express yourself.
Annie Edison: You know what? I don't want to express myself. I don't want to sit in a room full of people and say... the P-word. I like being repressed. I am totally comfortable being uncomfortable with my sexuality. And maybe, just maybe, if everyone were a little bit more like me, we wouldn't have to have an STD fair!
Britta Perry: You go girl!
Shirley Bennett: That's my pumpkin.
Annie Edison: And by the way, now that I've gotten a good look at one, I don't see what all the fuss is about. Giant thumb in a turtle neck! Woopdie-doo!

Shirley Bennett: Being a virgin in this day and age is something to be proud of. You're like a unicorn.

"Community: Foosball and Nocturnal Vigilantism (#3.9)" (2011)
Shirley Bennett: Jeff, you don't have to worry about what foreigners think of you. That's your birthright as an American.

Juergen: We came to play. Get away from our table.
Shirley Bennett: We're usin' it, strudel-brain.
Jeff Winger: Nice.
Juergen: Then play us for it.
Shirley Bennett: Fine. Monday morning. Only let's make it interesting: The losers never get to use this table again.
Juergen: Oh, you are so on that things have now become very much like Donkey Kong.

Young Shirley: I took this boy all the way to Tinkletown!

"Community: Physical Education (#1.17)" (2010)
Shirley: We have to find this person for Abed, unless it's a boy and then we have to find him for Jesus, but either way, this is going to be fun!

Abed Nadir: So you guys are going to "Can't Buy Me Love" me.
Britta Perry: We're going to what?
Abed Nadir: Like the movie "Can't Buy Me Love". You're going to change me from zero to hero, geek to chic.
Troy Barnes: Oh, he means we're going to "Love Don't Cost a Thing" him.
Shirley: Oh!
Troy Barnes: "Can't Buy Me Love" was the remake for white audiences.

"Community: Intro to Felt Surrogacy (#4.9)" (2013)
[the group members are sharing their secrets]
Jeff Winger: I found the perfect girl for me, and then I met her kid.
[the characters break out in song]
Jeff Winger: I said it didn't bother me, but truthfully it did. I promised him I'd make it to a baseball game he had. But I bailed and never called again, and now I'm just exactly like my dad.
Britta Perry: I am an activist, that's always been my choice. Truth is I've never voted, except when I watch The Voice.
Annie Edison: I was struggling in history, I'm normally the best. I let Cornwallis rub my feet to give me all the answers to a test.
Troy Barnes: I caused the Greendale Fire of '03. Fifty-five acres went up in a blaze, all because I burned an ant hill.
Jeff Winger, Britta Perry, Annie Edison, Troy Barnes, Abed Nadir, Shirley Bennett: This secret inside me was trapped beyond a doubt. And now my most terrible secret's out.
Balloon Guide: [in a normal voice] There you are. Come on, guys.
Pierce Hawthorne: [singing] I've never slept with the great Eartha Kitt. We dry-humped inside of her tour bus.
Jeff Winger, Britta Perry, Annie Edison, Troy Barnes, Abed Nadir, Shirley Bennett, Pierce Hawthorne: This secret inside me was trapped beyond a doubt.
Jeff Winger: And now my most terrible secret's out.

Shirley Bennett: Thank you, Jeff. And I don't think you're anything like your father.
Jeff Winger: I don't know how you take care of one kid, let alone three.
Shirley Bennett: Aw, that's nice.
Annie Edison: So nobody thinks I'm a slutty cheater?
The Group: No.
Troy Barnes: Or me as a criminal?
The Group: No.
Britta Perry: Nobody respects me any less as a political activist, right?
Annie Edison: [after a slight pause] Well...
[everyone in the group fall silent, not knowing what to say]
Jeff Winger: [after a longer pause] The level to which we respect you as a political activist has definitely not changed.
Annie Edison: That's how I would say it.
Troy Barnes: Exactly.

"Community: Accounting for Lawyers (#2.2)" (2010)
Jeff Winger: Shirley, you can't sue a stripper.
Shirley Bennett: Why not?
Jeff Winger: Because she's a stripper. Life sued her. She lost.

Shirley Bennett: Jeffrey, did you punch Alan in his rotten face and storm out?
Jeff Winger: Hell, no. That guy is useful to me. Thanks to you, I've got leverage over a spineless jag that just made partner. That is the place I want to work. But I prefer to hang out with cool people. People so cool, they care.

"Community: Cooperative Escapism in Familial Relations (#4.5)" (2013)
Shirley Bennett: I'm having Andre's whole family over, though he'll be stuck working at the stereo store for Black Friday.
Pierce Hawthorne: Oh, sure, you get to say that, but
[pats Troy's shoulder]
Pierce Hawthorne: we're stuck calling it "Jew Friday."

Pierce Hawthorne: Let's carve that jive turkey.
Shirley Bennett: You got that out of your system?

"Community: Remedial Chaos Theory (#3.4)" (2011)
Shirley Bennett: I can't believe I'm giving pies to a drug addict!
Britta Perry: Drug addict? You're a pie pusher! You push pies to get love!

Abed Nadir: Chaos already dominates enough of our lives. The universe is an endless raging sea of randomness. Our job isn't to fight it, but to weather it together, on the raft of life. A raft held together by those few, rare, beautiful things that we know to be predictable.
Britta Perry: Ropes. Vines. Vines? Let him finish!
Abed Nadir: Us. It won't matter what happens to us as long as we stay honest and accepting of each other's flaws and virtues. Annie will always be driven. Shirley will always be giving. Pearce will never apologize. Britta's sort of a wildcard from my perspective. And Jeff will forever remain a conniving son of a bitch.
[Everybody gasps]
Shirley Bennett: Abed!
Abed Nadir: There's 6 sides to this die, and 7 of us. He devised a system by which he never has to get the pizza.
[Jeff sniggers and the rest of the group send him to get the pizza]

"Community: Pilot (#1.1)" (2009)
Shirley Bennett: You have been sexually harassing me since the very first day of class.
Pierce Hawthorne: Sexually harassing? What? That makes no sense to me. Why would I harass somebody who turns me on?

Troy Barnes: I'm gonna leave my homework with slumdog millionaire here.
Shirley Bennett: That's borderline racist, I think.

"Community: Advanced Dungeons & Dragons (#2.14)" (2011)
[the group starts playing]
Shirley Bennett: I think this would be a perfect opportunity for us to introduce ourselves to the group. Hello, I am a dwarf...
[checks character sheet]
Shirley Bennett: ... named Zippity Do.
Abed Nadir: Okay, I'm not the best at making up names.
Jeff Winger: Greetings. I am... Marrrrrrrrr. You ain't kidding.
Troy Barnes: Hello, Marrrrr. I am Bing Bong the archer. I'm an archer and stuff.

[Chang shows up for the game in blackface]
Señor Chang: Hey, Neil. This is gonna be awesome, yo.
Shirley Bennett: So, we're just gonna ignore that hate crime, huh?

"Community: Advanced Introduction to Finality (#4.13)" (2013)
Shirley Bennett: Congratulations, Jeffrey. You worked hard not to work hard to earn that degree.

Dean Pelton: So, what's next for Jeffrey Winger?
Jeff Winger: I'm thinking I might look into some small local firms. I'm gonna use my big mouth to help the little guy.
Shirley Bennett, Annie Edison: Aww.
Jeff Winger: Plus, if I stay in town, I can pop by any time I want. You know, just to settle group arguments about who misses me the most.
[both Britta and Abed point to themselves]
Jeff Winger: What do you think?
[everyone raise their glasses]
Abed Nadir: To Jeff.
Shirley Bennett: To Jeffrey.

"Community: Basic Human Anatomy (#4.11)" (2013)
Shirley Bennett: Speaking of tomorrow, Troy and Britta, have you decided what you're gonna do for your one-year anniversary?
Britta Perry, Troy Barnes: Of...?
Annie Edison: Your first date?
Britta Perry: Oh! Kidding.
Troy Barnes: Yeah! That was a test and you failed.
Pierce Hawthorne: You guys are dating? Man. Somebody's sure is working her way around the table.

Abed Nadir: Freaky Friday. Oh, Troy, you are so thoughtful. I wish I had the capacity for sentimentality like you do.
Troy Barnes: Me? I wish I was more like you. No emotional hang-ups, endless cool adventures. You have it so easy.
Abed Nadir: No, you do, Troy.
Troy Barnes: No, you do, Abed.
[both grab the Freaky Friday cover]
Abed Nadir, Troy Barnes: I wish I could switch places with you for just one day.
[both start to go in circles and make weird sounds while the lighting starts to switch on and off, and then they fall over dramatically]
Shirley Bennett: Oh...
Jerry: [appearing] Sorry. Routine light-switch check.
Troy Barnes: I thought that would work.
Jeff Winger: Yeah, we're all floored it didn't.

"Community: Mixology Certification (#2.10)" (2010)
[the study group finishes singing "Happy Birthday" to Troy]
Pierce Hawthorne: That's weird. How come we only sang the last two words? What happened to the "happy birthday" part?
Shirley Bennett: You know that Troy is a Jehovah's Witness and he doesn't celebrate birthdays.
Abed Nadir: And we had to keep the language on the cake compliant.
Troy Barnes: [reading the cake] Hello during a random dessert, the month and day of which coincide numerically from your expulsion from a uterus.

"Community: G.I. Jeff (#5.11)" (2014)
Jeff Winger: I came from here. I work here. My name is Jeff Winger. And you're Annie. And then Shirley.
Shirley Bennett, Tight Ship: Aww.
Jeff Winger: And Abed. And Britta.
Buzz Kill: Britta? What kind of lame name is that? I wanna be Buzzkill, because of my awesome saw.
[makes sawing noises]

"Community: Biology 101 (#3.1)" (2011)
Abed Nadir: Troy and I are living together.
Shirley Bennett: Aw, that's nice.
Troy Barnes: If you want to get us a gift, we're registered at Linens 'n Things.
Abed Nadir: We have plenty of linens. We mainly want the things.

"Community: Herstory of Dance (#4.8)" (2013)
Annie Edison: So, Abed, I was thinking about what you said abou showing growth, and I was thinking maybe one way to do that is to meet new people and...
Abed Nadir: Where's this going?
Annie Edison: Can I set you up with a date for the Sadie Hawkins Day dance?
Abed Nadir: Blind date. I've always thought of myself as more of an acquired taste, but okay.
Shirley Bennett: Oh, if you're open to meeting someone, there's a number of eligible young ladies in my church.
Annie Edison: Shirley, I'm already finding a date for Abed. I asked first.
Shirley Bennett: There's no reason we can't both help Abed find someone. Why don't we each pick a girl and let Abed decide, instead of making it a competition?
Abed Nadir: That's exactly a competition.

"Community: Early 21st Century Romanticism (#2.15)" (2011)
Shirley Bennett: We've got to do something about Pierce and those painkillers.
Jeff Winger: He's recovering from broken legs
Troy Barnes: I'll say. He can moonwaaaalk!
Jeff Winger: I'm sure he's almost through his prescription. Besides he's a baby boomer, they invented drugs.
Britta Perry: Yeah, they also invented tv, have you seen him control one of those?
Annie Edison: [pointing at the others] Intervention? Intervention? Intervention?
Jeff Winger: Count me out.
Shirley Bennett: We can't count you out, he listens to you.
Jeff Winger: Well he also listens to the Barenaked Ladies, go get their dumb asses to help you.
Troy Barnes: [everyone gasps in horror] Okay Jeff, you are clearly in a bad space today, but Pierce is our friend, and the Barenaked Ladies are triple platinum, are you?
Jeff Winger: Why does everyone leap to defend that band so aggressively and how much stuff do we have to go through this year before my friendship stops being questioned?
Annie Edison: Well maybe friendship is about going through a lot of stuff Jeff, and maybe BNL has two Billboard Awards to your zero!
Jeff Winger: Oh, okay, they're BNL now? We need a shorthand for the Barenaked Ladies. That's how fundamental they are
Abed Nadir: Fundamental.
Jeff Winger: You know what Pierce probably needs more than anything? Some space. Maybe I do too.
Britta Perry: [yelling angrily] You know what? Maybe we all need some space, to pull the knife out of the back of the most celebrated Canadian alt-rock band of the mid 90s, you selfish, jaded, ass!

"Community: The Psychology of Letting Go (#2.3)" (2010)
Britta Perry: [mocking Annie] I don't know anything. I need boys. Saving the planet makes my back hurt.
Annie Edison: [mocking Britta] Oh, I obviously don't need boys for anything. That's why I wear stripper boots during the day and eat only celery and mustard for lunch.
Britta Perry: [mocking Annie] I never stop smiling.
Annie Edison: [mocking Britta] I never start.
Britta Perry: [mocking Annie] My sweaters keep shrinking.
Annie Edison: [mocking Britta] I get up an hour early to ever so slightly curl my hair.
Shirley Bennett: Yeah, you're both so different. Skinny bitches.

"Community: Basic Story (#5.12)" (2014)
Shirley Bennett: I know how much you feel for the campus, Jeff. I know how much you feel in general, and I know you think it's a weakness, but believe me. It's your strength.
Jeff Winger: You got something in your teeth.
Shirley Bennett: Mhm. You got something in your chest.

"Community: Interpretive Dance (#1.14)" (2010)
Shirley Bennett: What is it about being a single white slacker that makes you people so jaded?
Britta Perry: Ooh, you people? What do you mean "you people"? I cannot believe I got to say that.
Shirley Bennett: It's the little things, isn't it?

"Community: Competitive Wine Tasting (#2.20)" (2011)
Shirley Bennett: Oh, they've got a class on how to write jokes.
Annie Edison: Oh, don't take that. I dropped it after the lesson on set-ups. The professor is so old...
[long, awkward silence]

"Community: Introduction to Finality (#3.22)" (2012)
Shirley Bennett: You were like a white Blair Underwood.

"Community: Debate 109 (#1.9)" (2009)
Pierce Hawthorne: Now I gotta start the whole joke all over again. Okay, so this...
Britta: No!
[slams fist against the table]
Britta: I've got one for you. A doddering, old fool walks into a bar, tells a stupid joke, and I crush his windpipe with my 3-ring binder.
Shirley Bennett: [Giggles]
Shirley Bennett: I don't get it.

"Community: Cooperative Polygraphy (#5.4)" (2014)
Jeff Winger: I know what Pierce is referring to. I have a box of "forgotten items" in my apartment. I happen to be a single male, visitors leave things.
Mr. Stone: Is one of your trophies a pair of Ms. Perry's panties?
Britta Perry: [gasps] You told me a hawk stole them! You exploited me, and made me believe in a slightly more magical world!
Abed Nadir: If you want to collect women's underwear, can't you just buy them?
Jeff Winger: They have to be won in battle.
Annie Edison: Ugh! Gross!
Shirley Bennett: [simultaneously] Jeffrey!
Troy Barnes: Awesome.

"Community: Contemporary American Poultry (#1.21)" (2010)
Troy Barnes: He released Annie's Boobs. Annie's Boobs could be anywhere. Annie's Boobs could be on the streets...
Shirley Bennett: Okay, we get it. The monkey's name is Annie's Boobs.

"Community: Basic Genealogy (#1.18)" (2010)
Shirley Bennett: Alright! You got me, Gubi. I'm a bad mother. But at least I let my kids be kids.

"Community: Social Psychology (#1.4)" (2009)
Shirley Bennett: I don't understand why you and Britta aren't together. Two good-looking white people going to school together. It just feels right.
Jeff Winger: We're not pandas in a zoo.

"Community: Epidemiology (#2.6)" (2010)
[zombie Leonard, dressed as a pumpkin, makes a move on Shirley]
Shirley Bennett: Leonard, behave yourself. I'm a Christian woman.
[Leonard persists and Shirley holds up her index finger]
Shirley Bennett: Leonard, you better back that pumpkin ass up or I'm gonna make a pie.

"Community: Digital Estate Planning (#3.20)" (2012)
Blacksmith: I buy and sell weapons and armor.
[opens a menu]
Annie Edison: Cool. We need weapons.
[looks through the expensive weapons]
Annie Edison: Oh. What's free? Can we have a torch?
[she picks up a torch from the wall]
Blacksmith: Thief! Thief!
Shirley Bennett: Annie, put it back.
Annie Edison: Sorry.
[she tries to put the torch back on the wall and sets the blacksmith on fire]
Annie Edison: Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!
Shirley Bennett: Oh my God.
Annie Edison: It was an accident!
Shirley Bennett: He's dying!
Annie Edison: Hold on hold on hold on!
[she takes out an ax and hacks the blacksmith to death]
Shirley Bennett: Now, what are you doing?
Annie Edison: Well, he was suffering!
Shirley Bennett: Yeah, from ax wounds!

"Community: Intro to Knots (#4.10)" (2013)
Jeff Winger: What is this?
Annie Edison: Oh, I know we said no gifts, but I couldn't resist.
Jeff Winger: You realise you've just put your friends in a very awkward position. A gift creates obligation.
Annie Edison: I don't see it that way.
Jeff Winger: Well, I do, and I think the others will too.
Shirley Bennett: [knocks on the door and comes in] Merry Christmas! I know we said no gifts, but I couldn't resist.
Jeff Winger: Oh, who couldn't have seen that coming?
Shirley Bennett: Oh, Annie, I love what you did with the place.
Annie Edison: It's a work in progress.
Troy Barnes: [he and Britta come in] Good tidings, fellow Christmas celebrators. And to all a good wassailing.
Britta Perry: I know we said no gifts, but we couldn't resist.
Jeff Winger: There is a real problem with resistance in this group.

"Community: Advanced Documentary Filmmaking (#4.6)" (2013)
Shirley Bennett: I believe the Lord made Chang, Chang. Kevin is a choice.

"Community: Home Economics (#1.8)" (2009)
Shirley Bennett: Jeff, do you need a place to stay?
Troy Barnes: I'd offer, but my dad's kind of racist.
Abed Nadir: You could stay with me in the dorms. My room has a bunk bed, which is kind of a misnomer, because it's the real deal.
Jeff Winger: The next person that offers me charity or pity will be mentioned by name in my suicide note.

"Community: Abed's Uncontrollable Christmas (#2.11)" (2010)
Professor Ian Duncan: Try telling that to your catatonic friend.
Shirley Bennett: I got a better idea. Why don't we sing it?
Britta Perry: Wait, what?
Jeff Winger: Yeah, let's not go overboard.
Shirley Bennett: Will you two commit to something for a change?
Jeff Winger: Let's sing it!
Britta Perry: Yeah, let's sing.
Troy Barnes: Can we sing while we blow Duncan away?
Jeff Winger: Absolutely.
[everyone fire their magic weapons at Duncan]
Shirley Bennett: You start, Britta.
[the characters break out in song]
Britta Perry: Christmas time is a time to sing. That's what Christmas is for.
Annie Edison: Christmas can even be a hannukkah thing. That's what Christmas is for.
Shirley Bennett: And for a huge percentage of this God-fearing planet it's about the birth of Jesus Christ.
Jeff Winger: But for the rest of us it's still a good time to remember that it's good to be nice.
Pierce Hawthorne: Music and cookies and liquor and trees. That's what Christmas is for.
Troy Barnes: Video games for two straight weeks. That's what Christmas is for.
Annie Edison: Hanging out with the people you love.
Jeff Winger, Annie Edison: And saying I love you.
Britta Perry: That's what Christmas is...
Shirley Bennett, Britta Perry, Jeff Winger, Troy Barnes, Annie Edison, Pierce Hawthorne: That's what Christmas is... That's what Christmas is for!

"Community: Beginner Pottery (#1.19)" (2010)
Shirley Bennett: Kind people are always kind, not just when it's easy.

"Community: Introduction to Film (#1.3)" (2009)
Shirley: Isn't Abed's dad like a hardcore Muslim? They're not as forgiving as Christians. He'll cut your head off with a salami sword.
Annie Edison: Shirley! That is the most racist thing I've ever heard.
Jeff Winger: Pierce will top that in one minute.

"Community: Spanish 101 (#1.2)" (2009)
Shirley Bennett: And this isn't the school paper. It's the real thing. There's a Marmaduke in there.

"Community: Communication Studies (#1.16)" (2010)
Shirley Bennett: Oh, it's Cupid Being.
Jeff Winger: Now he's got arrows. That's safe.

"Community: Basic Lupine Urology (#3.17)" (2012)
Star-Burns: You have nothing on me! And I don't have to stay here, 'cause you're not cops!
Shirley Bennett: He's right. You're not cops.
Abed Nadir: I'd say our hands are tied, but we basically have no hands.

"Community: VCR Maintenance and Educational Publishing (#5.9)" (2014)
[first lines]
Annie Edison: It's settled. The urinals in the women's restroom will be turned into planters. Onto chores. We need some able bodies to clear out a space in the east hall storage room.
Jeff Winger: I'll do it.
Britta Perry: Really?
Jeff Winger: Yeah, Annie always goes from the easiest chores to the hardest.
Shirley Bennett: That's true, isn't it? I'll do it too.
Professor Hickey: Me too.
Annie Edison: Okay, that concludes this meeting.
Shirley Bennett: Oh!
Jeff Winger: Aw, man!
Annie Edison: Nobody picks up on my patterns. What am I gonna say next? Graham cracker! You didn't know.
Jeff Winger: Hey, it's the 'aww' couple!
[Abed and Rachel come in]
Annie Edison, Britta Perry, Shirley Bennett: Aww.

"Community: Paradigms of Human Memory (#2.21)" (2011)
Shirley Bennett: Can we please stop fighting? We're starting to hurt innocent perverts.

"Community: Anthropology 101 (#2.1)" (2010)
Jeff Winger: Sorry I'm late. I was in my car, loving Britta.
[Jeff and Britta kiss and then look deeply into each other's eyes]
Jeff Winger: I guess I just love you too much
[Annie rocks nervously, a sick look on her face]
Britta Perry: Not half as much as me
Abed Nadir: Jeff do you think you'll marry Britta?
Jeff Winger: I'd like to see someone stop me.
Britta Perry: I just peed a little.
Abed Nadir: [Abed presents them with a ring] Then here, propose.
Britta Perry: [Jeff and Britta both look at the ring and then begin struggling over it] I've got it. I've got it.
[Britta gets the ring and puts it on Jeff's finger]
Britta Perry: Jeff Winger, will you marry me?
Jeff Winger: Yeah, yeah, of course. No problem, no problem.
[Shirley screams in delight and Annie screams in horror]
Abed Nadir: Great, I'll be right back
[Abed rushes out of the room]
Shirley Bennett: [Annie screams again as Jeff and Britta kiss] Thank the Lord you're getting married, I was so worried about your souls ever since you had premarital sex on the table.
Troy Barnes: [Everyone leaps back from the table in disgust] Awesome!
Jeff Winger: You told Shirley?
Shirley Bennett: Well there's no need for secrecy now. It was during the paintball game
Troy Barnes: Was there anything you didn't win that day?
Annie Edison: [Annie runs over and punches Jeff in the face] You slept with her and then kissed me?
Britta Perry: What?
Irish Singer: [Abed enters with an entourage of people carrying a wedding arbor and singing] But she's in so deep/ You know she's such a fool for him/ She's got a ring around her finger ah-ah-ah/ And Abed hired and Irish singer/ Britta's marrying/ Britta's marrying/ Britta's marrying Jeffrey Winger!

"Community: The First Chang Dynasty (#3.21)" (2012)
Troy Barnes: Shirley, never change. Or do, if you want, I'm not your boss.
Shirley Bennett: Oh, honey.
[they hug]
Pierce Hawthorne: Never wear a rubber.
Jeff Winger: [shakes hands with Troy] Never listen to Pierce.
Troy Barnes: [Annie hugs him] When you finally finish that jigsaw puzzle, will you tell me what kind of boat is at the end of that dock?
[Annie nods]
Britta Perry: This is a lock of my hair.
Troy Barnes: [in a moved voice] Creepy.
[when Abed comes up to him, Troy whispers something in his ear. Abed nods, and they do their secret handshake]
Murray: All right, let's go.
[Troy exchange a last look with the group before exits after Murray]
Annie Edison: Abed? What did he say to you?
Abed Nadir: He said: "I know you hate it when people do this in movies. Sorry I got emotional."

"Community: Repilot (#5.1)" (2014)
Annie Edison: Chang was faking his Changnesia?
Troy Barnes: They seriously rehired a teacher they fired for trying to burn down the school?
Shirley Bennett: After being rehired as a security guard after being fired for impersonating a teacher?
Abed Nadir: That's insane, and I'm Abed.

"Community: Investigative Journalism (#1.13)" (2010)
Britta Perry: Guys! Guys, let's take a vote.
Abed: Secret vote. Everybody cover your eyes.
Annie Edison: We won't know the results.
Abed: Well, say your vote out loud.
Shirley Bennett: We'll know each other's voices.
Pierce Hawthorne: Troy's got a point.

"Community: App Development and Condiments (#5.8)" (2014)
Shirley Bennett: Hello, Jeffrey. I see you decided to join Meowmeowbeenz.
Jeff Winger: Oh, it's a great tool for living. You look great.
Shirley Bennett: You look great!
Jeff Winger: You know what you're doing.
Shirley Bennett: You know what you're doing. I'm watching you, okay? Mmm.
Annie Edison: Mmm.
[Shirley's gang walk away]
Jeff Winger: Yeah, you'll be watching my hinder, mama, choking on it's billowing plume of highly rated dust.

"Community: Regional Holiday Music (#3.10)" (2011)
Annie Edison: They found a way to make the Greendale Human Being creepier: hanging icicles on him.
Shirley Bennett: I like it. I think it's festive.
Jeff Winger: My favorite Christmas tradition is decorating the Hellraiser.

"Community: Alternative History of the German Invasion (#4.4)" (2013)
Jeff Winger: I really am Hitler.
Shirley Bennett: Yeah.
Pierce Hawthorne: So it's just decided? No vote or anything?
Troy Barnes: I hate this. I wish there was a way we could make it up to people.
Jeff Winger: That's it! We need to make reparations. We have to start giving back, because Greendale has given us so much. It gave us the study room. And that study room is our home. But our home is more than those four walls. And our family is more than the seven of us. It's all of Greendale. And everyone deserves to have what we have.
[after they finished the study room make overs]
Jeff Winger: What do you know? Greendale just got slightly better.

"Community: Pascal's Triangle Revisited (#1.25)" (2010)
Jeff Winger: More importantly, our very own Britta Perry, it turns out, has been nominated for transfer queen.
Shirley Bennett: Oh, that's nice!
Britta Perry: What the hell is a transfer queen?
Annie Edison: Like prom queen. You wear a sash, and there's a vote. If you win they put a crown on your head. And I am so jealous that I wanna murder you. Aren't you excited?
Britta Perry: No. How did I get nominated?
Shirley Bennett: Don't let it upset you, Britta. It's the last day of the semester. Nothing can ruin that.
Dean Pelton: [popping up in the room] HI!
Jeff Winger: Amazing. He's like an evil genie.

"Community: Custody Law and Eastern European Diplomacy (#2.18)" (2011)
Shirley Bennett: God Bless you!
Jeff Winger: Not lately.

"Community: Economics of Marine Biology (#4.7)" (2013)
Shirley Bennett: Still, no one deserves to be mocked for being mocked locked in a mock locker.