Claire Dunphy
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Quotes for
Claire Dunphy (Character)
from "Modern Family" (2009)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"Modern Family: Career Day (#4.21)" (2013)
Phil Dunphy: Claire, before you say no...
Claire Dunphy: No.
Phil Dunphy: But you haven't seen it yet.
Claire Dunphy: I'm sticking with no.

Phil Dunphy: Say, you're home early.
Claire Dunphy: I quit. That man was a pig. He treated me like a servant. Had no respect for me at all.
Phil Dunphy: Honey, I'm so sorry.
[They hug]
Phil Dunphy: You deserve so much better than that.
Claire Dunphy: Thank you.
Phil Dunphy: So, what's for dinner?
[Claire walks away insulted]
Phil Dunphy: You may have heard wrong. I said "What's for dinner?"
Claire Dunphy: I heard it!

Alex Dunphy: Sanjay Patel and I have to dissect a pig today.
Haley Dunphy: Is that what passes for a date with you?
Claire Dunphy: Hey!
Alex Dunphy: He just asks me to hand him the instruments. He thinks of me as a nurse.
Luke Dunphy: That sounds more like one of Hayley's dates.

Phil Dunphy: I'm using my veto.
Claire Dunphy: Veto? You don't get a veto.
Phil Dunphy: You veto me all the time.
Claire Dunphy: That's because you're ideas are dumb.
Phil Dunphy: Name one!
Phil Dunphy: [to camera] That went on for a while.
Claire Dunphy: And let's not forget shower snacks.
Phil Dunphy: I can't be the only one who gets hungry in there!

Phil Dunphy: I retract my veto.
Claire Dunphy: You never had a veto.
Phil Dunphy: Yes, I did.
Claire Dunphy: No, you didn't, and here's why.
Phil Dunphy: [to camera] And that went on for a while.
Claire Dunphy: And finally, we would be having this conversation in a yurt.
Phil Dunphy: It's the perfect structure!


"Modern Family: Unplugged (#2.5)" (2010)
Alex Dunphy: How am I supposed to do my homework?
Claire Dunphy: The same way I did.
Phil Dunphy: Chiseling on a stone tablet. Can't unplug the funny bone.

Mitchell Pritchett: [on the phone with Claire] Hey, it's me. What's a good preschool?
Claire Dunphy: Uh... Well, our kids went to Wagon Wheel.
Mitchell Pritchett: And it was good? You liked it?
Claire Dunphy: Yeah, well my kids are middle management material, at best. I didn't want to waste a lot of money. Yes, Mitchell, it's good. Why the interest?
Mitchell Pritchett: I just realized all of Lily's friends are going to school this year, and now she's late.
Claire Dunphy: Don't worry, she can wait another year. Just...
[Claire sees her family all involved with their electronic devices]
Claire Dunphy: Buy her a BlackBerry. That's all she's gonna want to do, anyway.
Cameron Tucker: What did she say?
Mitchell Pritchett: She says to buy her a BlackBerry.
Cameron Tucker: [calling out to the phone] Lily doesn't have the dexterity for that, Claire!

Claire Dunphy: We're going to get them off electronics with the promise of more electronics?
Luke Dunphy: I want chicken pot pie.
Phil Dunphy: And chicken.
Haley Dunphy: I want a car.
Claire Dunphy: No way!
Phil Dunphy: Done!
[Hayley, Alex, and luke all scream in excitement]
Haley Dunphy: I'm getting a car!
Phil Dunphy: Yeah! Fun, right?
Claire Dunphy: No, no, no! Phil, we cannot afford a third car.
Phil Dunphy: Relax. They're never going to last as long as us.
Claire Dunphy: Oh, honey. Don't take this the wrong way... but I have almost no faith in you.

Phil Dunphy: Hey!
Claire Dunphy: Hi, honey. How was your day at work?
Phil Dunphy: Amazing.
Claire Dunphy: Great. What happened?
Phil Dunphy: Instead of wasting my lunch hour surfing the Web, checking football stats, I put on some mellow music and I meditated.
Claire Dunphy: Wow! For how long?
Phil Dunphy: I have no idea. I just woke up twenty minutes ago.

Alex Dunphy: I can't believe it. I got a "B" on my paper.
Phil Dunphy: Good for you.
Claire Dunphy: Yeah.
Alex Dunphy: No, it would be good for you. It's terrible for me. Thanks to your moldy encyclopedias, my take on mitosis was completely out of date. They don't even call it "protoplasm" anymore. It's "cytoplasm".
Claire Dunphy: Well, you could have asked one of us.
Alex Dunphy: Now you're making jokes?
Claire Dunphy: I'm not making a joke.
Alex Dunphy: Really? What's the difference between a gamete and a zygote?
[Claire is at a loss for words]
Phil Dunphy: Don't fall for it, Claire. She's just making up words.


"Modern Family: Aunt Mommy (#3.15)" (2012)
Claire Dunphy: Oh, thank God, no one's dead.
Luke Dunphy: Or, we're all dead.

Haley Dunphy: Who fills a vase with marbles?
Claire Dunphy: Who doesn't see a vase filled with marbles?
Alex Dunphy: Who wants to hear a bunch of plates crashing?

Claire Dunphy: What was I thinking? I just get drunk and I bring a baby into the world?
Phil Dunphy: That would be four-for-four.
Claire Dunphy: Phil!
Phil Dunphy: Don't panic. You haven't donated anything yet. What are the chances your eggs even work? What are the chances I never said that?

Claire Dunphy: When was the last time we talked under a table.
Mitchell Pritchett: Dad and Gloria's wedding reception.

Phil Dunphy: Hey Claire, guess what?
Claire Dunphy: I'm sorry, honey, I can't talk right now. I told Bethenny I would take her to the airport. I'm late, and she's gonna miss her flight. Where are my keys? Why is that chair still here? I thought you and Luke were gonna put it out on the sidewalk.
Phil Dunphy: So you can't talk, unless it's about my chores.
Claire Dunphy: Why don't you just do it now and you won't be so bored.
Phil Dunphy: You heard that?
Claire Dunphy: I hear everything.


"Modern Family: Dance Dance Revelation (#2.10)" (2010)
Claire Dunphy: They say they need volunteers so that everyone feels included, but they really want me to do it. I always plan the school dances. It's been my thing since Haley was twelve.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: They made us co-chair. That means we are supposed work together. But Claire doesn't take any of my ideas.
Claire Dunphy: She suggested an Arabian Nights theme. Isn't it a little soon.

Claire Dunphy: Honey, are you wearing cologne?
Luke Dunphy: No. Dad attacked the cologne guy and then hugged me.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: I didn't come here to steal your thunder. Your thunder is your thunder and my thunder is my thunder.
Claire Dunphy: I know, it's just that God gave you so much thunder.

Claire Dunphy: All right, everybody back to work!
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Everybody back to work!
Claire Dunphy: I just said that.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: And I co-said it.

Claire Dunphy: Is this because I wouldn't dance with you? I'm a married woman. How would that look?
Gus: One dance with me, and you forget all about it.
Claire Dunphy: I already have a man who doesn't change light bulbs at home.


"Modern Family: Diamond in the Rough (#4.10)" (2012)
Claire Dunphy: I made you chocolate chip pancakes.
Haley Dunphy: Please. What am I, twelve?
Phil Dunphy: Dibs on her's!

Cameron Tucker: What did we learn from "A League Of Their Own"?
Claire Dunphy: There's no crying in baseball.
Cameron Tucker: No, that Madonna's a lousy actress, and so are you.

Claire Dunphy: [to Phil over the phone] What hurts most is that you didn't believe in me, and you believe in everything.
Cameron Tucker: [to Mitchell over the phone] I knew that sweater wasn't stolen. You know, I picked blue to match your eyes, but I should have picked black to match your heart, and now I realize you look great in black, damn you.

Cameron Tucker: [Surveying a lot for a baseball field] I see home plate there, I see the pitchers mound over here, and I see little boys's dreams sprouting everywhere.
Luke Dunphy: I found a dead snake.
Claire Dunphy: It's perfect.
Luke Dunphy: [Running away] Not dead! Not dead!
Claire Dunphy: I'm gonna be mom of the year.


"Modern Family: Express Christmas (#3.10)" (2011)
Mitchell Pritchett: I'll get the tree. Because if you get the wrong one, you know, people get upset.
Claire Dunphy: You get upset.
Mitchell Pritchett: I'm people.

[Phil and Manny, who were supposed to get the turkey, enter]
Claire Dunphy: Oh, thank God. Here comes Phil and the Butterball.
Manny Delgado: I have a name!

Cameron Tucker: [Enters the pool area with Lily] Look who finally got into her itsy-bitsy bikini!
Phil Dunphy: He can say that beause he's gay.
Claire Dunphy: He meant Lily.
Phil Dunphy: So did... I.

Claire Dunphy: No turkey? What's the plan, Phil?
Phil Dunphy: Cornish game hen. If you look real close, it looks like a turkey, and we each get one.
Jay Pritchett: Sounds like fun.
Claire Dunphy: No! Not fun! You were supposed to get a cooked turkey. These aren't even defrosted.
Phil Dunphy: You want them defrosted? Here.
[Takes taser and shocks each hen with it]
Phil Dunphy: Merry... freaking... Christmas!
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Is that my stun gun?
Phil Dunphy: Yeah, and it works great!


"Modern Family: Little Bo Bleep (#3.13)" (2012)
Phil Dunphy: Honey, you're not unlikeable.
Claire Dunphy: Thank you.
Phil Dunphy: You just seem unlikeable.

Claire Dunphy: How did you get so smart?
Alex Dunphy: I've always assumed adoption or baby switch.

Claire Dunphy: All over You Tube. We went viral.
Phil Dunphy: Some sick bastard auto-tuned me.

Claire Dunphy: You know what the worst part of today was?
Alex Dunphy: I imagine it's hard to choose.
Claire Dunphy: When everything was melting down, I realized I had an answer to your question. Why I was running. I wanted to make my family proud, and I did the exact opposite.
Alex Dunphy: No.
Claire Dunphy: No, I did. I totally embarrassed you.
Alex Dunphy: No. No, dad embarrassed me. I was proud of you. I think it's cool you're running for local office. I mean, it's totally nerdy, and that's kind of my thing.


"Modern Family: Yard Sale (#4.6)" (2012)
Claire Dunphy: You finally found something less cool than those pants that unzip into shorts.
Phil Dunphy: My shants, which you've been gunning for since day one? Haven't any of you realized that this is a cardio-vascular workout system that could prolong my life?
Claire Dunphy: Yeah, but what kind of life, and with whom?

Claire Dunphy: Please. Not even John Mayer has a John Mayer poster.
Haley Dunphy: It's signed by him.
Claire Dunphy: Honey, it's time you knew: they all come that way.
Haley Dunphy: It says "To Haley".
Claire Dunphy: In a different color. Your dad wrote that.
Haley Dunphy: Ew! He wrote "Your body is a wonderland"!
Claire Dunphy: Didn't catch that until later.

Claire Dunphy: I just saw Alex and Michael sitting in a tree. Don't make me spell it out for you.

Claire Dunphy: [after seeing Gloria's ventriloquist dummy, Uncle Grumpy] Oh, my God. She married her puppet.


"Modern Family: Not in My House (#1.12)" (2010)
Phil Dunphy: Where are you going?
Claire Dunphy: I'm going to pick up Luke from his sleepover. We need to talk to him about this now.
Phil Dunphy: Claire, this is a very delicate situation. If we don't handle it right, Luke might end up having an unhealthy attitude about sex. Or agribusiness.

Claire Dunphy: Okay, I checked the rest of the computers in the house - I didn't find any more porn.
Phil Dunphy: That was hardly porn - it was a topless woman on a tractor. You know what they call that in Europe? A cereal commercial.

Alex Dunphy: Why is Dad in Luke's room with the door closed?
Claire Dunphy: They're having a little talk.
Alex Dunphy: Is Luke being punished?
Claire Dunphy: Is that your favorite thing? When your brother or sister gets into trouble.
Alex Dunphy: My favorite thing is when they're *both* in trouble. So what'd he do? Did he cheat on a test? He's a cheater.
Claire Dunphy: He did not cheat on a test.
Alex Dunphy: Did he lie?
Claire Dunphy: Alex.
Alex Dunphy: He lies all the time.
Claire Dunphy: Alex.
Alex Dunphy: Sorry. I'm just worried about Luke... A lot of parents are hitting again.

Phil Dunphy: You're probably just feeling a little tense from all of this. I know I am. You know what might help the situation?
[pokes her arm playfully]
Claire Dunphy: Really?... Right now?
Phil Dunphy: [Face goes from humorous to serious] I meant going out for a few pizzas. Where's your mind?
[Starts to leave the room]
Phil Dunphy: I guess I live in a house full of sex maniacs.


"Modern Family: Punkin Chunkin (#3.9)" (2011)
Claire Dunphy: Honey, I love you, but...
Phil Dunphy: Honey, I love your "I love you", but I'm getting a little tired of your but. Yes, I heard it.

Alex Dunphy: Mom, I need to tell you something.
Claire Dunphy: What is it, honey?
Alex Dunphy: I distracted Haley while she was driving and we dented your car.
[Cameron fires a pumpkin from his slingshot; it sails across the football field and hits the dent in Claire's car]
Claire Dunphy: Well, girls, three more seconds and you would have gotten away with it.

Claire Dunphy: Phil, why didn't you just put the extra leaves in the table?
Phil Dunphy: Trying to have some fun. Be creative.
Claire Dunphy: One long table, honey. If it was good enough for the Last Supper, it's good enough for us.

[Cameron wants to go to the football field to prove his "punkin chunkin" story is true]
Claire Dunphy: I did not just cook for eight hours so you people could run off to prove some asinine point that's only gonna make half of us feel bad.


"Modern Family: Good Cop Bad Dog (#2.22)" (2011)
Luke Dunphy: I don't feel well.
Claire Dunphy: Did you finish your milkshake?
Luke Dunphy: I think that's the problem.

Phil Dunphy: I don't like being you.
Claire Dunphy: Nobody does.

Phil Dunphy: But I was going to take Luke and Manny go-karting for their good report cards.
Claire Dunphy: What was good about Luke's report card?
Phil Dunphy: ...He didn't lose it.


"Modern Family: The One That Got Away (#2.24)" (2011)
Claire Dunphy: Come on, kids. It's your grandfather's birthday. You need to take this seriously.
Mitchell Pritchett: [Wearing a sailor suit] Permission to come aboard.

Mitchell Pritchett: That's trespassing.
Claire Dunphy: No it's not. We used to live here.
Mitchell Pritchett: I don't think that does what you think it does.

Mitchell Pritchett: [after Claire uncorks a bottle of wine with her teeth] Where did you learn to do that?
Claire Dunphy: Where did you get a sailor suit at such short notice?
Mitchell Pritchett: Fair enough.
[Picks up bottle]
Mitchell Pritchett: Eew! It's Merlot.


"Modern Family: Hit and Run (#3.5)" (2011)
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Let me tell you a story. There was this girl who entered a beauty contest. She was nervous because she was very scared that she was going to lose.
Claire Dunphy: Let me guess. You won.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Of course I did. I was talking about my cousin Maria Conchita. She had a nose like a toucan and had to stuff her big body into this little bikini. She came in dead last.
Claire Dunphy: Why are you telling me all this?
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: The point is, she faced her fear and it didn't kill her. What killed her was the bus that hit her two weeks later.

Claire Dunphy: Phil, where are you, honey? I need to talk to you. Do you know what our daughter did?
Phil Dunphy: [trying to cover up Alex's stupor] Nothing. She's fine. She's reading.
Claire Dunphy: No, not her. Haley. Haley, come over here. I wanna talk to you.
Phil Dunphy: There she is! Not a scratch on her.
Claire Dunphy: You have something you wanna say to us?
Haley Dunphy: Uh...
Claire Dunphy: Mmm... let me help you out here. Fake IDs?
Phil Dunphy: What?
Claire Dunphy: Mm-hmm. Haley tried to get her and her friends some fake IDs.
Haley Dunphy: I wasn't going to use them for drinking. We just wanted to get into this club to see a band.
Claire Dunphy: She took a bunch of money from them, and then she lost it.
Phil Dunphy: How much?
Alex Dunphy: [slurring] $900.
Phil Dunphy, Claire Dunphy: You're kidding me!/Oh my god!
Haley Dunphy: It's not my fault! I gave the money to this guy. He's the one who ripped us off.
Claire Dunphy: [to Luke] What happened to your face?
Luke Dunphy: Oh. I ran into a door.
Phil Dunphy: Yeah.
Claire Dunphy: What happened to your face?
Luke Dunphy: Dad hit me.
Phil Dunphy: It was an accident. I was trying to open up a Band-Aid.
Claire Dunphy: Phil!

Claire Dunphy: [seeing Alex passed out on the couch] What's wrong with her?
Phil Dunphy: Growth spurt.
Claire Dunphy: What's wrong with her?
Phil Dunphy: I drugged her.
Claire Dunphy: Phil...
Phil Dunphy: I accidentally gave her the nighttime allergy medicine.


"Modern Family: Strangers on a Treadmill (#2.4)" (2010)
Phil Dunphy: Tonight I'm giving the keynote address at the SCARB.
Claire Dunphy: The South California Annual Realtors Banquet.
Phil Dunphy: I think they know what it is.

Claire Dunphy: Phil is going to bomb. It's not that I don't think he's fun, he is. He's just not fun-ny. It's my fault, really. I always laugh at all his jokes. But only with my mouth. Never with my eyes.

Claire Dunphy: Sometimes I feel like my job is to make sure you guys don't fall on your faces.
Phil Dunphy: That's a hard job at the Dunphy house.
Claire Dunphy: I know.
Phil Dunphy: But maybe your job is to pick us back up when we fall. You're good at that.


"Modern Family: White Christmas (#7.9)" (2015)
Phil Dunphy: Claire... life's like a mountain road, with a new adventure around every corner.
Claire Dunphy: If that's the slogan for the stupid coat, I'm going to kill you.

Joe Pritchett: Snow?
Manny Delgado: No, that's a leaf.
Alex Dunphy: It's hotter here than at home!
Claire Dunphy: Gloria, in your little daily emails, you said it was going to be cold.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: That's what my phone said.
Jay Pritchett: [looks over] You're on Celsius!
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Oh.
[changes the temperature settings]
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: It's going to be hot, guys!

Claire Dunphy: [to Jay] I gave up a three day trip to Cabo to close that Best Western deal.
Phil Dunphy: That's right, you owe her twenty-five margaritas!
Claire Dunphy: Phil...
Phil Dunphy: Twenty-one!
Claire Dunphy: Twenty-one!


"Modern Family: Halloween (#2.6)" (2010)
Haley Dunphy: [Wearing a tight nurse's outfit] You said get one of my old costumes.
Claire Dunphy: Not from when you were eight. Do you want to get candy or Japanese businessmen?

Alex Dunphy: Why am I in a cage?
Claire Dunphy: Because you're in a house of horrors. You are being held against your will.
Alex Dunphy: I know, so why am I in a cage?

Haley Dunphy: [Wearing a sexy cat costume] Check it. I'm a scary Halloween cat.
Claire Dunphy: Honey, no. Why don't you put on one of your old costumes?
Haley Dunphy: What's wrong with this?
Claire Dunphy: Honey, trust me, I'm sparing you an entire day of guys asking you if you have a rough tongue.
Haley Dunphy: Eew!


"Modern Family: Family Portrait (#1.24)" (2010)
Phil Dunphy: My idea was to have the whole family on a giant bed like in Willie Wonka.
Claire Dunphy: That's ridiculous.
Phil Dunphy: Ridiculicious.

Haley Dunphy: My pimple's starting to show.
Claire Dunphy: Can you stand?
Haley Dunphy: Yeah.
Claire Dunphy: Then this picture's happening.
Haley Dunphy: It's all everyone's gonna see!
Claire Dunphy: [Sees Gloria wearing a short, slinky dress] Somehow I doubt that.

Phil Dunphy: [Phil thinks Claire saw him and Gloria on the Kiss-cam at the Lakers' game] I didn't want to kiss her, it was her idea.
Claire Dunphy: Wait a minute; who did you kiss?
Phil Dunphy: Gloria; but it was her idea.
Claire Dunphy: Was this before or after you ignored phone calls from your wife?
Jay Pritchett: What, you kissed Gloria?
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: It was the Kiss Cam.It was no big deal.
Jay Pritchett: You kissed Cam?
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: No, Phil; he told me I had to.
Phil Dunphy: No. No I didn't.


"Modern Family: Two Monkeys and a Panda (#2.17)" (2011)
Haley Dunphy: Fine. You're wearing my sweater, I'm wearing your T-shirt with that nerdy guy from Back To The Future.
Alex Dunphy: That's Albert Einstein, and he's not nerdy!
Claire Dunphy: Well...

Claire Dunphy: Tell me again why the violin wasn't for you.
Alex Dunphy: It's too happy.

Claire Dunphy: More than anything, I want my girls to stop fighting and be close. I want them to share clothes and do each other's hair and gossip about boys, like I used to do with Mitchell.


"Modern Family: Hawaii (#1.23)" (2010)
Claire Dunphy: I'm a mom travelling with her kids. It's not a vacation, it's a business trip.

Claire Dunphy: Are you watching Gloria reflected in my sunglasses?
Phil Dunphy: Is she moving in slow-motion, or is that my imagination?

Claire Dunphy: [At Jay's birthday dinner] Well, look who finally decided to join us. Where is your sister?
Alex Dunphy: She's in our bathroom; throwing up.
Claire Dunphy: What! What's the matter with her?
Alex Dunphy: I know you're not going to find this as funny as I do; but she's drunk.


"Modern Family: Me? Jealous? (#3.14)" (2012)
Claire Dunphy: Recently, Haley got a little creative on one of her college applications and listed herself as a Big Sister.
Haley Dunphy: Technically, I am a big sister.
Phil Dunphy: She capitalized the "B" and the "S".
Claire Dunphy: Which makes sense, 'cause it was.
Phil Dunphy: So Claire and I suggested that...
Haley Dunphy: Forced.
Phil Dunphy: ...that she volunteer for the organization. We couldn't be prouder.
Claire Dunphy: We could. A little bit.

Claire Dunphy: What is wrong with you?
Phil Dunphy: You're laughing like it's Who's On First.
Claire Dunphy: What?
Phil Dunphy: He's on second. Don't try to cheer me up.

Luke Dunphy: How does he find the time to do those things?
Phil Dunphy: He got divorced, so his whole life opened up. He's living the dream.
[Claire glares at him]
Phil Dunphy: His dream. I'm living my dream. You're my dream.
Claire Dunphy: Okay, stop.


"Modern Family: Princess Party (#2.15)" (2011)
DeDe Pritchett: I don't know about you, but that's not the way I was raised.
Claire Dunphy: You raised me.

Claire Dunphy: So, where is she? Where's Mom?
Jay Pritchett: Yeah, let's get the weirdness over with.
Mitchell Pritchett: Well, I thought she was coming with you.
Claire Dunphy: Oh, no, no. I haven't seen Mom since, let's see... oh, she made out with my ex-boyfriend last night.
Jay Pritchett: What?
Claire Dunphy: Yeah.
Mitchell Pritchett: No, my God!
Claire Dunphy: Yeah, yeah. And then she took off with him, didn't come back to the house until after I was asleep. And then this morning, left a cute little note that said "Having breakfast with Robbie."
Jay Pritchett: What the hell is she doing? He's half her age.
[Mitchell and Claire give Jay, who is standing with Gloria, weird looks]
Jay Pritchett: Don't say it.

[Claire and her mother are arguing at Lily's birthday party]
Mitchell Pritchett: Claire, Claire, Claire! Not now, not now, not now! No, stop, please.
Claire Dunphy: She accused me of trying to steal my old boyfriend from her.
Mitchell Pritchett: Okay, fine. But make it quick.


"Modern Family: Best Men (#4.17)" (2013)
Claire Dunphy: Raising a kid is like sending a rocket ship to the moon. You spend the early years in constant contact, and then one day. around the teenage years, they go around the dark side and they're gone. And all you can do is wait for that faint signal that says they're coming back.

Haley Dunphy: I have better things to do than listen to Electric Light Dorkestra.
Claire Dunphy: Hayley, she's your sister!
Alex Dunphy: Actually, that's the name of our band.


"Modern Family: Dude Ranch (#3.1)" (2011)
[Claire has reluctantly allowed Dylan to come on the Pritchett family's vacation]
Dylan: [taking steps forward as he talks] I've never been this far from home before. Now I've never been this far. Now I've never been this far.
Claire Dunphy: [quietly, to Phil] Where's a cliff when you need one?

[Dylan has disapppeared]
Hank: Okay, people, looks like we have a walker. Right now he is facing treacherous terrain, sudden drops, mountain lions, hungry bears... oh, and wolverines. That is if the hypothermia didn't already get him.
Claire Dunphy: [quietly, to herself] Why did we come here again?
Hank: So our best bet is to split up. You two are gonna take to the north hiking trail.
Haley Dunphy: Can I go with my dad instead?
Hank: Negative. I need Buffalo Phil and old-timer to check the Snake River.
Phil Dunphy: [pleased] "Buffalo Phil". Worth the wait.
Hank: Me and Cactus Flower will ride on up to Destiny Ridge.
Jay Pritchett: Maybe I should ride up there with her.
Hank: Negatory. That trail is for advanced riders only. We don't need another dead body.
Haley Dunphy: [worried] "Another"?


"Modern Family: The Late Show (#5.5)" (2013)
Phil Dunphy: If he's old enough to watch The Walking Dead with me...
Claire Dunphy: He's not.
Phil Dunphy: ...he's old enough to stay home alone.
Claire Dunphy: He's not.
Phil Dunphy: Come on, he's not a child anymore.
[Luke falls from leaning on the stool]
Luke Dunphy: I'm fine!
Phil Dunphy: See how deep his voice is?
[Claire leaves, Phil rushes to Luke]
Phil Dunphy: Are you okay?

Phil Dunphy: What are you doing?
Claire Dunphy: Making sure our son knows what to do in an emergency.
[Activates smoke alarm]
Luke Dunphy: Someone's at the door!
Phil Dunphy: Your mother's just testing you!
Luke Dunphy: That's okay, I know what to do! If I hear that I just won't answer it! I'll just hide where no one will find me!


"Modern Family: Fulgencio (#4.13)" (2013)
Phil Dunphy: [about Jay's baby's christening] Is there a dress code for godparents?
Claire Dunphy: You're not wearing a fedora. Did you pick up the dry cleaning?
Phil Dunphy: [imitating Marlon Brando] That sounds like an offer I can't refuse.
Claire Dunphy: We're not doing that.

Claire Dunphy: You have an in-law, and no matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, they still don't like you.
Jay Pritchett: That's right.
Claire Dunphy: Doesn't that sound familiar?
Jay Pritchett: You're not saying?
Claire Dunphy: Oh, I am.
Jay Pritchett: Son of a bitch, I'm Phil!


"Modern Family: The Wow Factor (#4.18)" (2013)
Cameron Tucker: I will not stay here and be insulted, and if there were a door here, I would slam it in your face.
Claire Dunphy: I thought we weren't flaming 'til the quarter hour.

Claire Dunphy: [Spills water on her shirt] Oh, what have I done? Now my shirt is all see-through.
Cameron Tucker: And so are you. I know what you're doing.
Pam: So do I, but I am enjoying this show immensely.


"Modern Family: Weathering Heights (#8.4)" (2016)
[first lines]
Claire Dunphy: [entering the kitchen] Oh, thank god I smell coffee. This morning has gotten off to a bit of a rocky...
[seeing the heavy makeup on Phil]
Claire Dunphy: ...Horror Picture Show. What did you do to your face?
Phil Dunphy: Just a little color to make my eyes pop. Like yours are now.
Haley Dunphy: Is this how we find out you're transitioning? Oh, please don't pick a young name. The world doesn't need a fifty-year old Jasmine.

Alex Dunphy: Ugh. What is wrong with me? I feel so fuzzy.
Haley Dunphy: Oh, stop being so hard on yourself. It's just arm hair.
Alex Dunphy: [Haley leaves] I can't figure out this crossword puzzle. I... I think mono turned my mind to mush.
Claire Dunphy: What's the clue? Maybe I can help.
Alex Dunphy: [she laughs] Thanks, mom. Feels good to laugh.
Claire Dunphy: What is so funny? I am a well-read college graduate. I think I am capable of doing a crossword puzzle.
Alex Dunphy: Okay, professor. Six letter word, "Archimedes' exclamation".
Claire Dunphy: I don't like you right now.


"Modern Family: iSpy (#5.14)" (2014)
Claire Dunphy: Are you absolutely sure?
Haley Dunphy: I'm going to tell you the truth and walk away. Deal?
Claire Dunphy: Deal.
Haley Dunphy: I'm 420 percent sure.
[walks away]
Phil Dunphy: My God, she's bad at math.

Claire Dunphy: You have no idea how hard it is to be a parent! To figure out what's going on with your kid when all you get is a grunt or a "fine" or a flick of the hair! It's my job to protect you and make sure you're making good choices. And if I step over the line every now and again when I'm doing it, tough! Knowing you're safe is the only thing that lets me sleep at night!
Cameron Tucker: I thought it was the wine.


"Modern Family: Games People Play (#4.23)" (2013)
Claire Dunphy: Even with a spin off the coast, Phil will see what I see every day. The transformation begins when they are locked in a metal box. The Kraken is unleashed!
[pause]
Claire Dunphy: Love my kids very much.

Claire Dunphy: I didn't want to get halfway to Yellowstone only for Phil to discover what malevolent hell-spawn we have for children... whom I love very much.


"Modern Family: Slow Down Your Neighbors (#2.11)" (2011)
Claire Dunphy: What is the one thing a speeder can't outrun?
Luke Dunphy: Bullets! A laser! Ooh, I know, a falcon! Dad, jump in.
Phil Dunphy: Not a good time, buddy.
Luke Dunphy: A laser falcon!
Phil Dunphy: That's awesome.

Claire Dunphy: I've got it. What is the one thing a speeder can't outrun?
Luke Dunphy: Bullets! A laser! Ooh, I know, a falcon! Dad, jump in.
Phil Dunphy: Not a good time, buddy.
Luke Dunphy: A laser falcon!
Phil Dunphy: That's awesome.


"Modern Family: The Future Dunphys (#4.19)" (2013)
Phil Dunphy: If something were to happen, not saying it would, I would turn our bedroom into a shrine to Claire.
Claire Dunphy: Oh, honey.
Phil Dunphy: And this room into a hall of magic.

Claire Dunphy: What did I tell you about breaking curfew?
Alex Dunphy: That I should do it more often.


"Modern Family: Caught in the Act (#2.13)" (2011)
Claire Dunphy: So you're here giving me a lecture about the importance of locking my bedroom door, while here to erase a naked picture of your wife sent by mistake to my e-mail.
Jay Pritchett: The irony is just occuring to me.

Phil Dunphy: Maybe they didn't see anything.
Claire Dunphy: Sweetie, they-they screamed, they dropped a tray of dishes and they ran out of here like they were on fire.
Phil Dunphy: You were on fire, lady.
Claire Dunphy: Really? You're still going?
Phil Dunphy: Well, forgive me for thinking your zesty performance deserved some praise.


"Modern Family: Egg Drop (#3.12)" (2012)
Alex Dunphy: [Claire wants Alex to tell her how she did the egg drop project] I didn't want to do this, but here's what you do: First, get a mirror. Then, you will look at it and you're gonna see a crazy woman. She needs your help.
Claire Dunphy: You know, I made the egg that made you that made that project, so in a lot of ways, that project is mine!
[Looks in mirror]
Claire Dunphy: You're good.

Claire Dunphy: This is your fault.
Jay Pritchett: What?
Claire Dunphy: The way we compete with each other, it's sick. It's so sick, two thirteen year olds know how to take advantage of us.


"Modern Family: Boys' Night (#2.18)" (2011)
Claire Dunphy: If Hannibal Lecter and Freddy Kruger had a lovechild, he would be afraid of our next door neighbor.
Phil Dunphy: I don't say bad things about people, but Mr. Kleezak is... not a nice person.
Claire Dunphy: Easy, honey.

Claire Dunphy: He does have a point. We don't know the man.
Phil Dunphy: Yeah. Old people and young people can be friends. Here are some examples: Up, Gran Torino, True Grit.
Claire Dunphy: Cartoon, kills himself, loses an arm.


"Modern Family: Bad Hair Day (#4.16)" (2013)
Claire Dunphy: To be honest, it would be more fun if Phil wasn't going to my college reunion. I mean, I'd have to explain who's who and all the inside jokes... And with all that information coming out, not enough alcohol is coming in.

Tater: I was wondering who was the lucky man who married the beautiful Claire Pritchett.
Claire Dunphy: Luck had nothing to do with it. She saw, she liked, I got her pregnant, had to marry her.


"Modern Family: Fizbo (#1.9)" (2009)
Claire Dunphy: Do you know what we're gonna make?
Phil Dunphy: Kids bored?

Phil Dunphy: What'cha got there?
Claire Dunphy: These are supplies for the crafts table. I finally figured out what we're gonna be making.
Phil Dunphy: Kids bored?


"Modern Family: Tableau Vivant (#3.23)" (2012)
Phil Dunphy: How about this? Mitchell, I love you. I can't tell you enough how much I respect you...
Claire Dunphy: Are you firing him or proposing to him?

Maxine: Hey, Luke! What's with all the hardware?
Claire Dunphy: Well, he set fire to a school and lied about it.
Jay Pritchett: You know, they give medals for anything these days.


"Modern Family: Mother's Day (#2.21)" (2011)
Claire Dunphy: I don't want you to judge me, but I have to say something. Sometimes, I wanna punch my kids.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: You don't mean that.
Claire Dunphy: No, I do. I do. The last time they were horrible the way they were today, they happened to be all lined up... and I couldn't help but think if I hit just one of 'em... the rest would go down like dominoes.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Geez.
Claire Dunphy: I know. That would rob me of the pleasure of hitting each one individually, but...

Claire Dunphy: How was your day with my dad?
Phil Dunphy: Awkward, actually. He, um... he cried a little.
Claire Dunphy: My dad?
Phil Dunphy: Shh.
Mitchell Pritchett: Dad what?
Claire Dunphy: He cried.
Phil Dunphy: No, I didn't say he cried.
Cameron Tucker: Who cried?
Mitchell Pritchett: My dad.
Phil Dunphy: Stop!
Cameron Tucker: Why would you make Jay sob like that?
Phil Dunphy: I didn't make him sob. He... teared up when I found this poem he wrote for his mom as a boy.
Cameron Tucker, Claire Dunphy, Mitchell Pritchett: Aw!
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: [entering] What is "aw"?
Mitchell Pritchett: Phil saw Dad cry.
Cameron Tucker: Jay misses his mama.
Phil Dunphy: Everybody stop!
Jay Pritchett: [entering] Is anybody hungry?
[seeing everybody looking at him weirdly]
Jay Pritchett: What?
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: You cried for your mommy.
Jay Pritchett: Oh, crap. I did not.


"Modern Family: After the Fire (#3.8)" (2011)
Phil Dunphy: I don't make the best decisions under pressure.
[cut to flashback]
Claire Dunphy: Oh, my God! What the hell is that?
Phil Dunphy: An alpaca. I bought the last one.


"Modern Family: When a Tree Falls (#4.9)" (2012)
Claire Dunphy: You don't make a shiv out of a knife.
Phil Dunphy: Yeah. You make it out of a rusty spoon, or a shard of glass.
Claire Dunphy: Or a human femur.
Phil Dunphy: Exactly. Be creative.


"Modern Family: The Help (#5.6)" (2013)
Jeannie: You two remind me of me and my sister. We were always fighting. I accused her of stealing my boyfriend, she accused me of stabbing me. Believe me, if I wanted to stab my sister, that skank be stabbed.
Claire Dunphy: She's not a therapist, is she?


"Modern Family: The Last Walt (#3.20)" (2012)
Claire Dunphy: Luke, Walt died last night.
Phil Dunphy: He was writing an angry letter to the Postmaster General, and just fell asleep.
Claire Dunphy: It was very peaceful.
Phil Dunphy: Not the letter, that was full of threats.


"Modern Family: The Cold (#6.3)" (2014)
Claire Dunphy: And this is not wine, it's Ny-Quil. And some of last night's wine.


"Modern Family: The Closet Case (#7.3)" (2015)
Claire Dunphy: Well, I can be cool. I'm cooler than cool. I'm frigid.


"Modern Family: Lifetime Supply (#3.11)" (2012)
Claire Dunphy: I'm sure you're fine.
Phil Dunphy: That's very comforting coming from a marketing mayor at a party school.


"Modern Family: Someone to Watch Over Lily (#2.20)" (2011)
Mitchell Pritchett: I'm sorry, did we come by at a bad time?
Claire Dunphy: Try coming back seven years and five months from now when they're all gone!


"Modern Family: Phil on Wire (#3.3)" (2011)
Claire Dunphy: Are those jazz dancing shoes?
Phil Dunphy: Tightrope walking shoes. Got them on sale, only used once.
Claire Dunphy: That's not a ringing endorsement.


"Modern Family: The Party (#7.18)" (2016)
Claire Dunphy: I can't wait to see this one without make up.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: It'll be the last thing you ever see.


"Modern Family: Won't You Be Our Neighbor (#6.5)" (2014)
Claire Dunphy: Everyone pretend to be gardening. Luke, grab that hoe.
[Luke grabs Haley]
Haley Dunphy: That's not what she meant! Is it?


"Modern Family: My Hero (#4.22)" (2013)
Claire Dunphy: The four times I disappointed him, it devastated me. First there was the time I cut off all my hair, when I went to college out of state, I crashed his vintage Jag into a wall.
[pause]
Phil Dunphy: That's three.
Claire Dunphy: Kids, dinner!


"Modern Family: Schooled (#4.2)" (2012)
Claire Dunphy: [Claire quoting from Phil's book 'phil's-osophy] 'Mary someone who looks sexy while dissapointed.'
Phil Dunphy: [Claire looking weird at Phil] 'see'


"Modern Family: Pilot (#1.1)" (2009)
Claire Dunphy: Honey, do you have anything to say to your daughter about her skirt?
Phil Dunphy: Sorry. Oh yeah, that looks really cute sweetheart.
Claire Dunphy: No, it's way too short. People know you're a girl you don't need to prove it to them.


"Modern Family: Flip Flop (#4.20)" (2013)
Phil Dunphy: This house is going to sell. Because who's the best realtor in town?
Claire Dunphy: Gil Thorpe.
Phil Dunphy: That's right, and he's bringing potential buyers tomorrow.


"Modern Family: Larry's Wife (#5.3)" (2013)
Claire Dunphy: I'm stretched a little thin, so I need to to do the groceries, pick up the laundry and clean out the branches on the front yard.
Phil Dunphy: Done and done.
Claire Dunphy: Is that just an expression, or did you only remember two of the things I told you?
Phil Dunphy: The second one.


"Modern Family: The Long Honeymoon (#6.1)" (2014)
Mitchell Pritchett: Hey guys.
Luke Dunphy: Sweet, you brought the sifter!
[hugs Mitch]
Luke Dunphy: Now I can start my rhubarb pie!
Haley Dunphy: Oh! Can I help pick the rhubarb?
Luke Dunphy: Lead the way, kitten.
Haley Dunphy: Eek!
[giddily leaves with Luke]
Phil Dunphy: Anybody want a plum?
Mitchell Pritchett: I'm good.
Phil Dunphy: 'Grab you a roadie!
Claire Dunphy: Hahaha! I like it.
Mitchell Pritchett: There is no easy way to ask this but are you all high?


"Modern Family: The Butler's Escape (#4.4)" (2012)
Jay Pritchett: [about Gloria's snoring] So what do I do?
Claire Dunphy: You suck it up! Your hot wife, who was learning to walk when you were thirty, is pregnant with the baby you conceived doing something most men would kill to do!


"Modern Family: Coal Digger (#1.5)" (2009)
Claire Dunphy: So what happened?
Principal Balaban: Well, apparently there was some name-calling and shoving on the playground, but by the time the teachers separated them, Luke was sitting on Manny's chest.
Jay Pritchett: Luke, that's not like you.
Principal Balaban: Wait a minute. You're Luke's father?
Jay Pritchett: Grandfather.
Principal Balaban: So, Manny's father is...
[Looks at Phil, who points to Jay]
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Javier. Crazy guy. That's where he gets his fire.
Principal Balaban: Okay. You're...
Claire Dunphy: He's our son.
Jay Pritchett: And my grandson.
Claire Dunphy: I'm his daughter.
Principal Balaban: Okay, so you're...
Manny Delgado: His uncle.
Luke Dunphy: Stop saying that or I'll sit on your chest again!
Claire Dunphy: Wait a second. Is that what this is all about?
Luke Dunphy: He keeps calling me his nephew.
Manny Delgado: You are my nephew!


"Modern Family: Clean Out Your Junk Drawer (#7.8)" (2015)
Jay Pritchett: That's it! I'm out! What the hell are we doing? Dancing around, telling secrets like girls at a slumber party. I can just imagine my old man with his buddies sitting on their lawn chairs, laughing their asses off that I missed a whole day of football 'cause I'm trying to get in touch with my emotions. These guys didn't do that crap. These were men! His best friend Tommy Ryan lost half a finger in a sheet metal press. Waited until his shift ended to go to the hospital. I broke my collar bone in a football game. There was Dad up in the stands giving me the old, "Be tough." So I played two more downs before I passed out. My date, Mary Jo Klumsky, left the senior dance with another guy. Broke my heart. 2 a.m. at the kitchen table, my old man's telling me, "Eat the sandwich and forget about her." Feelings! I didn't even cry at his funeral. You believe that? The guy was my whole world. Not a tear. Everybody looking at me like... like I didn't love him. But he knew!
[sniffs, voice cracks]
Jay Pritchett: He had to know, right?
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: [rushing over to hug Jay] Of course he did.
Jay Pritchett: Son of a bitch, that felt good getting that out.
Phil Dunphy: Wow.
Claire Dunphy: I know. They just won therapy.


"Modern Family: Las Vegas (#5.18)" (2014)
Claire Dunphy: Las Vegas, you have a gambling problem. Her name is Claire.


"Modern Family: Strangers in the Night (#6.9)" (2014)
Phil Dunphy: We're gonna have this boy over for dinner, and I'll serve a big heaping plate of I-told-you-so.
Haley Dunphy: And then we'll serve unicorn burgers and magic beans and I'll bring my boyfriend Bigfoot.
Claire Dunphy: Still better than Dylan.


"Modern Family: The Musical Man (#2.19)" (2011)
Claire Dunphy: [On being in Phil's ad] Is this something I'm gonna regret?
Phil Dunphy: Did the Marlboro Man have any regrets?


"Modern Family: Election Day (#3.19)" (2012)
Phil Dunphy: Councilwoman Dunphy, how do you respond to allegations that you look super sexy in your new suit?
Claire Dunphy: I haven't been elected yet. Come on, kids! We gotta vote! Honey, come on. Please stop filming.
Phil Dunphy: I'm just excited. After today, you are going to be a councilwoman and I am going to be a First Husband.
Claire Dunphy: Well, if you don't stop filming, you're going to be *my* first husband. All right, everybody, come on! You know what you're doing, kids? You guys are manning the phone banks. Alex, you're in charge of that.
Haley Dunphy: What? Why is she in charge? And wh-what's a phone bank?
Alex Dunphy: That's why.


"Modern Family: Fifteen Percent (#1.13)" (2010)
Phil Dunphy: I just installed a sweet home theater system in the family room. The, uh, trouble is... Claire struggles with technology of any kind. I mean, remotes, cell phones, computers.
[flashback]
Claire Dunphy: [entering Haley's room in her bra and panties, with her nightgown open] Haley, have you seen my blue...
Dylan: [on Haley's webcam] Hey, Mrs. Dunphy.
Claire Dunphy: Oh, hey, Dylan.
Phil Dunphy: [open mouthed] You know I can see you, right?
Claire Dunphy: [frozen in fear] No, I did not know that.


"Modern Family: Go Bullfrogs! (#3.6)" (2011)
Julian: Her butt used to be four inches off the ground.
Claire Dunphy: I wonder what they do with all the butt they take out?
Longinus: [as a large-breasted woman walks by] I think I have a theory.


"Modern Family: Leap Day (#3.17)" (2012)
Claire Dunphy: Phil, is this what you've been teaching our son, that women are some sort of unclean lepers that should be hidden under sheets for a week? Do you have any idea how offensive that is?
Phil Dunphy: I do, honey, and from the bottom of my heart I am so... scared.


"Modern Family: Grill, Interrupted (#6.19)" (2015)
Claire Dunphy: Remember how rebellious we were?
Mitchell Pritchett: Weren't we, though?
[Both laugh]
Mitchell Pritchett: Wait, were we? I mean, I had that red afro phase.
Claire Dunphy: And me dating the whitest Puerto Rican on Earth.
Mitchell Pritchett: Dwayne.


"Modern Family: When Good Kids Go Bad (#3.2)" (2011)
Phil Dunphy: It's just one of those things we'll never know, like what happened to the Titanic.
Claire Dunphy: It hit an iceberg.
Phil Dunphy: Maybe.


"Modern Family: The Old Wagon (#2.1)" (2010)
Claire Dunphy: What's the plan, Phil?


"Modern Family: Three Dinners (#5.13)" (2014)
Claire Dunphy: That Brian sure is a cutie, isn't he?
Phil Dunphy: I'd kill to have those lips. I mean, on me. I mean, I want his lips on my mouth.


"Modern Family: Send Out the Clowns (#3.18)" (2012)
Phil Dunphy: [a rival realtor has stolen his account] You're not gonna believe this. Mitzi got the listing.
Claire Dunphy: Oh, no, honey. That's awful!
Phil Dunphy: She cheated, she lied, and she won. Kids, gather round.
Haley Dunphy: Again, we are gathered.
Phil Dunphy: You want to get ahead? Don't play by the rules. Turns out nice guys finish last in this cold dog-eat-dog world.
Luke Dunphy: It's not fair. Why don't you play dirty, too? You could take her down.
Claire Dunphy: Oh, honey, 'cause your dad is a better man than that. He has values and morals and...
Phil Dunphy: Shh... You, keep talking.
Luke Dunphy: Well, just off the top of my head, you could take my spy pen an record her admitting what she did. And then you could play it for those people so they'd realize what a jerk she is.
Claire Dunphy: Your dad is never gonna do that.
Phil Dunphy: You're a regular chatterbox today. Get me that pen!


"Modern Family: See You Next Fall (#2.23)" (2011)
Jay Pritchett: Why does everybody always assume I'm having a stroke?
Claire Dunphy: Age.
Manny Delgado: Diet.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: You forgot to bring my bread.


"Modern Family: Double Click (#7.22)" (2016)
Claire Dunphy: Sometimes you have one of those days where you are surrounded by people but you still feel pretty lonely. All you want to do is go home to the comfort of your family. But sometimes, even your family can't give you that comfort; because it turns out, they've all had one of those days too. All you can do is wait for days like that to be over... so you can go to bed, and hope you wake up to a better tomorrow.


"Modern Family: Frank's Wedding (#8.19)" (2017)
Haley Dunphy: You need to control your man!
Claire Dunphy: Honey, we're talking about your dad. We're talking about your dad's dad. We're talking about unimaginable levels of goofy. Just remember, he does it out of love.
Phil Dunphy: It's Johnny Law! Let's hot foot it!


"Modern Family: Baby on Board (#3.24)" (2012)
Claire Dunphy: [to Mitchell on the phone] My brother is going to some border town to get a baby and I have to hear it from Gloria?
Mitchell Pritchett: [to Cameron] I was out for only two minutes.
Cameron Tucker: Sorry, I held it in as long as I could. We're having a baby!