Jay Pritchett
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Quotes for
Jay Pritchett (Character)
from "Modern Family" (2009)

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"Modern Family: Family Portrait (#1.24)" (2010)
Jay Pritchett: Where's my good underwear?
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: The question is, why isn't all your underwear good, Jay? You make a nice living.

Jay Pritchett: How do you turn off the sprinklers?
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Ay, of course, because I'm Latina I have to know everything about gardening and sprinklers!
Jay Pritchett: You were there when they install it.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Ay, yeah.

Jay Pritchett: Back in '68, when I was sweeping up hair in that barbershop, I had this mental picture of the family that, if I was lucky enough, I would end up with. Perfect wife, perfect kids... Well guess what? I didn't get any of that. I wound up with this sorry bunch. And I'm thankful for that every day. Well, most days.

Jay Pritchett: So Chamberlain comes in one day with a friend, and it's Elvis. Best singer in the world after Sinatra, and I'll fight anyone who says different.
Luke Dunphy: Dad says the best singer in the world is Peabo Bryson.
Jay Pritchett: Then I'll have to fight your dad.

Jay Pritchett: So you don't like small talk. That's how I met Gloria. You remember what I said?
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Yes. "I like chocolate and I like fruit, but not together."
Jay Pritchett: You couldn't come up with that, Ivy League?

Jay Pritchett: When you're young and dreaming of your family, you think of this perfect family; perfect wife, perfect kids. Look at me, I got this sorry bunch. But you know I wouldn't trade them for anything.

Jay Pritchett: [the sprinklers come on just as the family is posing for the picture] Gloria! How do you turn off the sprinklers?
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: [Offended] Sure, just because I'm Latina, I should know everything about gardening and landscaping.
Jay Pritchett: You were here the day they put it in.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Oh, yes. It is that little box on the other side of the yard.

Phil Dunphy: [Phil thinks Claire saw him and Gloria on the Kiss-cam at the Lakers' game] I didn't want to kiss her, it was her idea.
Claire Dunphy: Wait a minute; who did you kiss?
Phil Dunphy: Gloria; but it was her idea.
Claire Dunphy: Was this before or after you ignored phone calls from your wife?
Jay Pritchett: What, you kissed Gloria?
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: It was the Kiss Cam.It was no big deal.
Jay Pritchett: You kissed Cam?
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: No, Phil; he told me I had to.
Phil Dunphy: No. No I didn't.

Jay Pritchett: The new maid keeps mixing up my underwear with Manny's. Put on the first thing I grabbed. It was like a crotch tourniquet.

"Modern Family: Manny Get Your Gun (#2.8)" (2010)
Jay Pritchett: I am always on time. It's easy for me, 'cause I'm organized. Not my wife. You think growing up in a place full of death squads and drunk uncles she'd learn to run faster.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: [Runs in and sits down] Sorry! Sorry! I couldn't find my earring. So, what were we talking about?

Manny Delgado: It says in the box that this is for ages sixteen and up. Are you sure I should have this?
Jay Pritchett: What do you mean? You were born sixteen.

Jay Pritchett: You should have a system.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: I have a system. I put things down and then I remember where I put them.
Jay Pritchett: And that's preferable to, say, putting the keys in the keyholder that just happens to look like a large key?
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Stop screaming!

Jay Pritchett: [as Manny mixes two soda drinks together] What are you doing?
Manny Delgado: Turning back the clock.
[while Jay hides Gloria's car keys in her purse, Manny drinks mixed sodas and cringes]
Manny Delgado: That's disgusting!
Jay Pritchett: Don't judge. You're not married. This never happened.
Manny Delgado: What never happened?
Jay Pritchett: That's a good man.
Manny Delgado: Boy! I'm a boy!

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Tell me the truth, Jay. Did you put the keys in my bag?
Jay Pritchett: ...No.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: I won't be mad.
Jay Pritchett: In order to prove a point, I may have put the keys...
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: [Punches Jay repeatedly in the arm] I knew it!
Jay Pritchett: Why did I give you such a big watch?
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Why, Jay? What point were you trying to make?
Jay Pritchett: I just wanted you to be more organized. You can be a little scatterbrained sometimes.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: You are the one whose brains are going to be scattered! Manny, hand me the gun!

Manny Delgado: How do I look?
Jay Pritchett: Like Al Capone.
Manny Delgado: Thanks.

Manny Delgado: What did you mean I was born sixteen?
Jay Pritchett: I'm just saying you were never a kid. Which is good, because I hate kids.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: How come I do all the looking while you do all the sitting?
Jay Pritchett: Because you do all the losing.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: You are this close to doing all the sleeping in a tent on the backyard.

"Modern Family: Little Bo Bleep (#3.13)" (2012)
Jay Pritchett: Gloria, is Stella up there?
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: No, but I am. Why don't you say hello to your wife when you come home?
Jay Pritchett: Why don't you greet me at the door wagging your tail?

Jay Pritchett: Why would she jump in the pool if she doesn't know how to swim?
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: I don't know. Why does she bark at the vacuum? It's a thing, it isn't going to play with you.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Why are you swimming in your clothes?
Jay Pritchett: Because I'm self-conscious about my body. Stella fell in the pool.
Manny Delgado: It's my fault. I let her out, and then I got caught up in my couponing.
Jay Pritchett: Any coupons for swim lessons? 'Cause Stella needs some.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Seriously. Manny you teach to swim by throwing him in the pool but the dog gets swimming lessons?
Manny Delgado: I gotta say, it was unpleasant but effective.

Jay Pritchett: [watching Claire trying to remain composed at the debate] It's like watching the Hindenburg.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: It's the most horrible thing I've ever seen in my life.
Phil Dunphy: [standing up] Excuse me.
Jay Pritchett: Stand by.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Jay! Manny! We should have been there already.
Jay Pritchett: Gloria, I'm tying my tie.
Manny Delgado: I'm accessorizing!
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: And I thought *I* was the woman.

"Modern Family: Snip (#4.3)" (2012)
Jay Pritchett: I'm 65. If Gloria wants to be surprised, she should buy a box of Cracker Jacks.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Stupid dry cleaners shrank my clothes again!
Jay Pritchett: Maybe it's time you bought maternity ware.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: I don't need maternity ware! I'm barely showing!
Jay Pritchett: Your clothes barely fit before you were pregnant.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: I didn't hear you complaining.

Jay Pritchett: [Picking up Phil for his vasectomy] Let's go! Chop chop!
Phil Dunphy: Really?
Jay Pritchett: Oh, yeah.

Jay Pritchett: Just get in the car.
Phil Dunphy: And what, get spayed like a common schnauzer?
Jay Pritchett: You get fixed, you're a man.
Phil Dunphy: I just want to remain one!

Jay Pritchett: I've always seen life like a series of doors. Sometimes you get to choose the door you go through, and sometimes you don't get that choice. But you still have to walk through it. So either you can go through kicking and screaming, or walk through with your head held high. And since I don't get to choose the door I'm about to go through, I just pray it's a healthy, happy kid. And a boy.

"Modern Family: Disneyland (#3.22)" (2012)
Jay Pritchett: Dee Dee and I were supposed to take the kids to Disneyland, but that morning we had some sort of fight - surprise, surprise - and I ended up taking them by myself. Claire's biggest fear was running into the Wicked Queen; mine was that I married her.

Jay Pritchett: I don't know what happened. Maybe it's what Robot Lincoln said about a man's duty or keeping the union together. Maybe I just chickened out. But I realized that staying with my kids was more important than leaving my wife. That's not the right decision for everyone, but it was the right decision for me. So I stuck it out 'till they were grown.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: [Offscreen] Jay, come join me in the Jacuzzi!
Jay Pritchett: And the universe rewarded me.

Jay Pritchett: Come on, it's a robotic president. What's not to love?
Luke Dunphy: It's a robotic president?

Jay Pritchett: You know what the fight with Dede was about? I taped a football game over an episode of "Dallas". Who bails on a family trip to Disneyland over something like that? Ironically, Dallas was playing in the game. And I remember pointing that out to her, and then I remember a videocassette flying at my head.

[to help Mitchell and Cameron keep Lily from running around, Jay buys her a pair of children's high heels]
Jay Pritchett: You know what? She's got pretty good gams for a three year old.

"Modern Family: Farm Strong (#5.4)" (2013)
Manny Delgado: You call that folding? Where's that military precision?
Jay Pritchett: We didn't fold many onesies in the Navy.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: [Struggling to read a menu] I'll take this one. It looks good.
Jay Pritchett: That's their address, Magoo.

Jay Pritchett: So what did the doctor say?
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: He said my eyes were perfect.
Jay Pritchett: Where was he looking when he said that?

Jay Pritchett: I won't be able to hear her, she won't be able to see me.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: We'll be together forever!

"Modern Family: Suddenly, Last Summer (#5.1)" (2013)
Jay Pritchett: I told you to pack one bag.
Manny Delgado: I need variety, Jay.
Jay Pritchett: Colombia isn't one of your more formal countries. The guy in their money is sitting on a lounge chair.

Cameron Tucker: As of today, it is legal for a man to marry another man.
Lily Tucker-Pritchett: [as Joe spits up] Eew, he threw up!
Jay Pritchett: He just needs time to get used to the idea, honey.

Lily Tucker-Pritchett: [after seeing Manny off] What if he doesn't come back?
Jay Pritchett: Oh, honey, no one leaves home and doesn't come back.
Lily Tucker-Pritchett: I did.

Jay Pritchett: [after learning that both Mitchell and Cameron have conflicting plans to propose to each other] This is what happens when they let men marry men.
[Joe throws up]
Jay Pritchett: That cannot be a coincidence!

"Modern Family: Aunt Mommy (#3.15)" (2012)
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: You have a problem with the way Manny is being raised, you talk to me!
Jay Pritchett: I am.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: [storming out] I don't want to hear it!

Jay Pritchett: Gloria, you and Manny do enough together. Let's let him decide. Where's he walking?
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: I don't know, but according to the song he was singing, he was going to the sunny side of the street.
Jay Pritchett: I cannot express to you enough how bad this kid needs football.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: You can't go around telling people what they can and can't do.
Jay Pritchett: So you're in favor of this?
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: No, it's a freakshow! But it's their freakshow.

Jay Pritchett: It's unnatural, and I'm against it.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Surprise, surprise! Jay is against something.
Jay Pritchett: These two are having a baby together.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Ugh!

"Modern Family: Yard Sale (#4.6)" (2012)
Phil Dunphy: I've had bigger hogs than this between my legs.
Jay Pritchett: He really ought to run things through in his head first.

Jay Pritchett: The only difference between this and a home invasion is I get to shoot people at a home invasion.

Manny Delgado: Should I get rid of this?
Jay Pritchett: The hat, the suit or the cane? Actually, yes to all three.

Jay Pritchett: [Walking into kitchen] Excuse me, can I help you?
Michael: Yes, why does everyone think I'm gay?
Jay Pritchett: Grrr, I hate yard sales!

"Modern Family: Fulgencio (#4.13)" (2013)
Jay Pritchett: Fulgencio Umberto. The initials for that are F.U. Pritchett, which is exactly what it feels like right now.

Father Krzyzieski: In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, what name are you giving this child?
Jay Pritchett: Fulgencio Joseph Pritchett.
Father Krzyzieski: May God be with you all.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: [whispering] Thank you, Jay.
Jay Pritchett: [whispering] We're never calling him that.

Claire Dunphy: You have an in-law, and no matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, they still don't like you.
Jay Pritchett: That's right.
Claire Dunphy: Doesn't that sound familiar?
Jay Pritchett: You're not saying?
Claire Dunphy: Oh, I am.
Jay Pritchett: Son of a bitch, I'm Phil!

Jay Pritchett: Claire once asked me how Phil won me over. He hasn't yet, but when he stops trying too hard and acts like a real human being, he comes close. And that's what I need to do with Pilar.

"Modern Family: Two Monkeys and a Panda (#2.17)" (2011)
Manny Delgado: Have you noticed a spring in my step?
Jay Pritchett: Kids can be so cruel. That doesn't mean you'll turn out that way.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: There they are, my two old men.
Jay Pritchett: Hey, one day you'll be on the other side of forty and I'll trade you in for a newer model. Am I right?
Manny Delgado: She's my mom, Jay.

Manny Delgado: I'm kind of wrestling with this whole older man/younger woman thing. It's like Chloe and I grew up in different worlds. Today, I made a joke about the Wiggles. It went right over her head.
Jay Pritchett: I don't know what that is.
Manny Delgado: It's an expression. It means she didn't get it.

Jay Pritchett: When I go, I want you to know... it's okay if you marry someone else.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: I know.
Jay Pritchett: Because I want you to be happy.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: I'll be happy.
Jay Pritchett: You're driving me crazy on purpose, right?

"Modern Family: See You Next Fall (#2.23)" (2011)
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: [about the tandem bike] Jay bought it for me. We used to ride it all the time, but I kept hitting my boobs with my knees.
Jay Pritchett: Champagne problems, am I right?

Jay Pritchett: She says I'm fine. Let's go.
Manny Delgado: How does she know? She's not a doctor.
Jay Pritchett: Neither are you.
Manny Delgado: Not technically.

Jay Pritchett: Why does everybody always assume I'm having a stroke?
Claire Dunphy: Age.
Manny Delgado: Diet.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: You forgot to bring my bread.

Jay Pritchett: The reason my face looks like this is because I had...
Jay Pritchett: Botox.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Like the ladies use for their wrinkles?
Jay Pritchett: Well, actually, nearly ten percent of their sales are men, but that's not important.

"Modern Family: Me? Jealous? (#3.14)" (2012)
Cameron Tucker: Our house is being fumigated, so Jay and Gloria invited us to stay here. I'm going to spend 72 hours with this one.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: We are inseperable, like... Um...
Cameron Tucker: Fred and Ginger?
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Who?
Cameron Tucker: Movie night!
[Cameron and Gloria squeal with delight]
Jay Pritchett: It's been noisier than usual lately.

Mitchell Pritchett: No breakfast for me. I have to go to work early.
Jay Pritchett: Oh, really? I didn't hear an ambulance drive by.
Mitchell Pritchett: It's funny because it's what I've dedicated my life to.

Mitchell Pritchett: Hey, dad, did you accidentally leave this hilarious book of lawyer jokes in the guest room?
Jay Pritchett: I'll tell you if you can answer the following question: What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
Mitchell Pritchett: I don't know. What?
Jay Pritchett: Well, one's a bottom-feeding mud dweller. The other's a fish.

Mitchell Pritchett: Hey, dad?
Jay Pritchett: Don't need to talk about it. I was out of line comin' down there. It won't happen again. Scotch is at the bar.
Mitchell Pritchett: No, I've been giving this a lot of thought.
Jay Pritchett: I guess we're gonna talk about it.
Mitchell Pritchett: I was rude to you. I think I was just annoyed by all the lawyer jokes. I mean, let's be honest, you don't exactly beam with pride over what I do for a living.
Jay Pritchett: Mockery is the sincerest form of flattery.
Mitchell Pritchett: I'm pretty sure that's not the saying, but... um, you know, Manny told me a story about his friend Danielle. Whew, she sounds like a real piece of work, by the way. But, uh, it made me realize that I take myself a little too seriously.
Jay Pritchett: Listen, it goes without saying I've always been proud of you, and I brag about you all the time. So if I say "What do lawyers use as birth control?" and the answer is "Their personalities", I want you to know I'm not referring to you. You don't need any birth control.

"Modern Family: Queer Eyes, Full Hearts (#6.7)" (2014)
Jay Pritchett: Look at the interesting thing I found in the attic.
Manny Delgado: Is it behind the boat?
Jay Pritchett: This is the pride of the American Navy, the USS Constitution. On service for 84 years and it was never boarded.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: It's been already a minute and it's bored me already.

Manny Delgado: I don't think Spanish is for me. It doesn't feel natural in my ear.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: What could be more natural than your mother's native tongue in your ear?
Jay Pritchett: What we need here is an English tutor.

Jay Pritchett: [Watching Gloria and Diego talking in Spanish] What are they saying?
Manny Delgado: If I knew, he wouldn't be here.

"Modern Family: Game Changer (#1.19)" (2010)
Jay Pritchett: I'm gonna teach Manny how to play.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Manny knows how to play. His father taught him.
Jay Pritchett: I'm gonna teach him the real version, not the Colombian version. We use the pieces to play the game, not smuggle stuff out of the country.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: I know one Colombian piece you won't be playing with later.

Jay Pritchett: Take out any deep-seated anger you may have and come at me.
Mitchell Pritchett: I don't have any deep-seated anger.
Jay Pritchett: Remember that Halloween when I didn't let you dress up as Olivia Newton-John?
Mitchell Pritchett: [Charging] YAAAAAAAH!

Jay Pritchett: You can't sing "We Are The Champions"... without your Queen.

"Modern Family: After the Fire (#3.8)" (2011)
Jay Pritchett: [after throwing his back out] The pain must have been pretty bad if I was asking Phil for help.

Phil Dunphy: You know, the Native Americans believed that burning sage kept away the negative energy.
Jay Pritchett: How'd that work our for 'em?

[while getting a massage, Jay accidentally said "I love you" to Phil]
Phil Dunphy: I really need to talk to you.
Jay Pritchett: You really don't.
Phil Dunphy: Jay, please. It's about work. I got a text during your massage. I've been offered a partnership in a new agency.
Jay Pritchett: [relieved] Oh. Good for you!
Phil Dunphy: Well, I'm not so sure. I mean, there's... there's a big upside, but I have a stable job right now. I have three kids, and at least one of 'em's going to college. Worse case scenario, they all go.

"Modern Family: When a Tree Falls (#4.9)" (2012)
Jay Pritchett: Gloria needs watching. She's been having a bad case of pregnancy brain. Last week I found a bar of soap in the fridge and a bar of butter in the shower. I spent the whole day smelling like a bucket of popcorn.
Manny Delgado: Better than the toast I ate.
Jay Pritchett: Yeah, you ate the second piece.

Jay Pritchett: And for God's sake, take off those wingtips. You're a kid, you're not Nixon at the beach.
Manny Delgado: Very well. I'll put on my sporty shoes. Where are they?
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: They're still in the box. Don't forget to take out the paper before you put them on, okay?
Jay Pritchett: And they're called sneakers!

Jay Pritchett: I wasn't worried. I boxed in the navy. And besides, it was Phil. I never thought I'd say this, but I'd rather box my daughter's husband than my son's.

"Modern Family: The Help (#5.6)" (2013)
Jay Pritchett: [about Manny] I'm telling you, there's an embarrassing press conference in that kid's future.

Jay Pritchett: Tonight, Frank you and me out on the town.
Phil Dunphy: Oh, fun, a three-way.
Jay Pritchett: I already regret this.

Jay Pritchett: [about hiring a male nanny] He's a man. It's weird. He's a weird man. He's Phil, only I have to pay for him.

"Modern Family: Express Christmas (#3.10)" (2011)
Jay Pritchett: Why are you wearing a sweater when it's ninety-five degrees out?
Cameron Tucker: It's my Christmas sweater.
Jay Pritchett: Based on those stains, you are the Christmas sweater.

Claire Dunphy: No turkey? What's the plan, Phil?
Phil Dunphy: Cornish game hen. If you look real close, it looks like a turkey, and we each get one.
Jay Pritchett: Sounds like fun.
Claire Dunphy: No! Not fun! You were supposed to get a cooked turkey. These aren't even defrosted.
Phil Dunphy: You want them defrosted? Here.
[Takes taser and shocks each hen with it]
Phil Dunphy: Merry... freaking... Christmas!
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Is that my stun gun?
Phil Dunphy: Yeah, and it works great!

Jay Pritchett: Can I put in my two cents on fake Christmas?
Phil Dunphy: Express Christmas.
Jay Pritchett: Let it go, Phil. It's not sticking.
Phil Dunphy: It needs time.

"Modern Family: Treehouse (#3.7)" (2011)
Jay Pritchett: Rainbows. It's just colors in the sky. Do we have to take a picture every time we see one?

Jay Pritchett: This salsa dancing, how hard is it to learn?
Manny Delgado: Not hard at all. It's about tapping into your emotions, your passion, your inner fire.
Jay Pritchett: Crap.

Jay Pritchett: Usually, I say no to drugs, but I thought, just this once... and I figured, if I was going to make an ass of myself, at least I wouldn't remember it.
Mitchell Pritchett: That drug I gave him? Baby aspirin, orange flavored. He could have chewed it.

"Modern Family: The Future Dunphys (#4.19)" (2013)
Jay Pritchett: [about Manny's interview] You know those slow-motion movies where they destroy a casino and it implodes? That.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: You're starting to forget your Spanish. You don't practice.
Manny Delgado: Lo siento, mama. Estoy embarazada.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: You just told me you're pregnant.
Jay Pritchett: Congratulations. You're glowing.

Jay Pritchett: Let me tell you something about your prep school friends. I had a job working at a prep school checking coats, those rich snobs used to throw their coats at me, like I was nothing. And this was before your lightweight fabrics. Those things were heavy. You see this scar?
Manny Delgado: The one you got from the war?
Jay Pritchett: That's what I tell people. I acutally got this form the scalloped edge of a Burbury coat toggle. I'm still not sure there isn't a piece still in there.

"Modern Family: The Late Show (#5.5)" (2013)
Manny Delgado: I don't see why you're so excited about this restaurant.
Jay Pritchett: It took me six weeks to get this reservation. They're supposed to have this Australian beef that's supposed to be great.
Manny Delgado: That can't be great for your heart health.
Jay Pritchett: They feed it nothing but alfalfa, barley and red wine, and the chef makes each cut himself, just for me.
Manny Delgado: Won't the wine make the cow drunk?
Jay Pritchett: It's not The Far Side, the cow's not driving anywhere.

Phil Dunphy: See? They don't let Manny home alone.
Jay Pritchett: Actually, we leave Manny alone all the time. Sometimes he makes cupcakes, which I could use one about now, or a potato.

Jay Pritchett: Last night I had the best meal I ever had in my life, and it couldn't have happened if Gloria hadn't had us kicked out of that snooty restaurant.

"Modern Family: Egg Drop (#3.12)" (2012)
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: That's how you know they love you, when they're confortable enough to yell at you.
Jay Pritchett: Then I owe my ex-wife an apology. Apparently she was nuts about me.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: [Yelling on the phone in Spanish] Yes! Auntie! Yes! You're 73 years old, not 20! Of course, but I'm in the United States so kill yourself! Kill yourself, because I don't care!
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Ok, yes! I love you! Muah! Muah! Muah!
[hangs up]
Manny Delgado: I understood "crazy old witch," "go kill yourself," then "I love you."
Jay Pritchett: I'll never get this; how you all yell at each other.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: That's how you know that your family loves you, when they feel free to scream at you.

Claire Dunphy: This is your fault.
Jay Pritchett: What?
Claire Dunphy: The way we compete with each other, it's sick. It's so sick, two thirteen year olds know how to take advantage of us.

"Modern Family: Boys' Night (#2.18)" (2011)
Jay Pritchett: [Sitting with Mitchell's gay friends] So what does a guy have to do to get a drink around here?
Mitchell Pritchett: Nobody answer that.

Manny Delgado: Whoa, whoa, whha! What is this? Where's my soft-boiled egg?
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: I made it scrambled. It's healthy to try new things.
Manny Delgado: You don't just spring things on me like this.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Well, guess what? This is not the biggest curve ball life is going to throw at you.
Jay Pritchett: I used to be afraid to try new things. Take crab cakes. I didn't want them, tried them, loved them. End of story.
Manny Delgado: Wow! Are the movie rights available for that one?

Manny Delgado: So I have to try new things and you don't? What about the crab cakes?
Jay Pritchett: That was a fluke, and I can't smother that boring music in tartar sauce.

"Modern Family: The Wow Factor (#4.18)" (2013)
Jay Pritchett: I found a new way to bond.
[cut to Jay buying a movie ticket for Skyfall]
Jay Pritchett: James Bond.

Manny Delgado: I thought I'd eat breakfast al fresco.
Jay Pritchett: Does that mean he took his pants off? Because if he can, I can.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: You can take him to his baby class.
Jay Pritchett: Why? He already knows how to be a baby.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Honey, I love you, but I can't laugh at that again.

"Modern Family: Weathering Heights (#8.4)" (2016)
Manny Delgado: Well, I finished the video for my Juilliard application. I think they're going to be blown away.
Jay Pritchett: Art school, huh? Well, you can always sell oranges by the side of the road.

Joe Pritchett: Thank you for bweakfast.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: [as Joe leaves] Did you hear that? Bweakfast. It's a good thing that we're taking him to speech therapy. I want everybody to understand every single thing he says.
[heavily accented and incomprehensible]
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Do you want marmalade on your brioche toast?
Jay Pritchett: Not a clue. You're probably right to nip that speech problem in the bud. Mitchell had a lisp we let slide. Now I got a lifetime of "What if...?".
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: That is so offensive. A lisp doesn't make you gay. Being gay makes you lisp.

Manny Delgado: Oh, good god. There are thousands of "Hamilton" parodies, and half of them are college applications.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: It's okay, papi. Maybe the people in New York haven't heard about "Hamilton".
Manny Delgado: The deadline for early admission is tomorrow. I'll never come up with something great by then.
Jay Pritchett: Yes, you will, and I'll help.
Manny Delgado: You'd do that for me?
Jay Pritchett: Anything for you, kid.
[cut to one-on-one interview]
Jay Pritchett: I got to get this kid out of the house. All his crazy quirks. The farther away, the better. I keep leaving brochures around for schools at sea.

"Modern Family: Three Dinners (#5.13)" (2014)
Shorty: You know what I think I'll try down there? Surfing.
Jay Pritchett: So it's gonna be a closed casket?

Manny Delgado: I don't get it. You're the Greatest Generation. Why do you push people away?
Jay Pritchett: Why don't you lock yourself in your room like a normal teenager?

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: You act all tough, but I bet you're the most sensitive person in this house.
Jay Pritchett: Pfft!
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: This is what you do! Every time I strike a nerve, you reject it and "pfft!" all over it.
Jay Pritchett: You just discovered the one thing you can't make sexy.

"Modern Family: Tableau Vivant (#3.23)" (2012)
Jay Pritchett: Take a good look at the menu. What do you see?
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Soup.
Jay Pritchett: But have you looked under the soup? Sandwiches.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Have you seen what's under this shirt? This did not come from sandwiches.

Maxine: Just you? I thought the whole family was swinging by.
Jay Pritchett: Who knows what they're doin'. Right now they are all sniping at each other.
Maxine: Ah, who needs them?
Jay Pritchett: Right. As long as I have you, Maxine...
Maxine: I'm off in five.

Maxine: Hey, Luke! What's with all the hardware?
Claire Dunphy: Well, he set fire to a school and lied about it.
Jay Pritchett: You know, they give medals for anything these days.

"Modern Family: Slow Down Your Neighbors (#2.11)" (2011)
Jay Pritchett: Don't you know how to ride a bike?
Manny Delgado: I know how to ride this bike.
Jay Pritchett: Stephen Hawking could ride that bike.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: There is no way that thing should stay upright.
Jay Pritchett: There's no way you should stay upright, but it works.

Jay Pritchett: [to Gloria, who is worried about learning to ride a bike] I won't let you get hurt. You're a work of art. If you get scratched it decreases the market value. I'm kidding to lighten the mood.

"Modern Family: Fight or Flight (#6.15)" (2015)
Manny Delgado: I feel sick.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Let me check.
[Kisses his forehead]
Jay Pritchett: You know, we have a thermometer.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Do you have to be so white?

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: He doesn't want to go because a boy is teasing him.
Jay Pritchett: In cooking class? We're running out of places where he can be cool.

"Modern Family: Earthquake (#2.3)" (2010)
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Jay, what are you wearing? You can't go to church like that.
Jay Pritchett: Well, that settles it then. I'm going golfing.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: You're gonna miss church again? Last Sunday, you said that you had to go the office. The week before, you had breakfast with a friend.
Manny Delgado: And before that, you thought you had a cold that turned out not to be a cold.
Jay Pritchett: Because I babied it.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: You don't have to convince us. You have to convince Him.
Jay Pritchett: Who, God? Me and God are good.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: How would you know?
Jay Pritchett: Look, you feel God in church, which is great. I feel God out in nature, amongst his works.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Are you gonna go to church next week?
Jay Pritchett: We'll see.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: I know what "we'll see" means. If you're done with church, just say it.
Jay Pritchett: I'm done with church.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Don't say that!

Manny Delgado: Can I go golfing with you?
Jay Pritchett: Eh, I'm probably gonna have a Latino kid carry my clubs anyway. Might as well be you.

"Modern Family: The Butler's Escape (#4.4)" (2012)
Jay Pritchett: [about Gloria's snoring] So what do I do?
Claire Dunphy: You suck it up! Your hot wife, who was learning to walk when you were thirty, is pregnant with the baby you conceived doing something most men would kill to do!

Jay Pritchett: You're huge and you're loud. It's like sleeping with Rush Limbaugh.

"Modern Family: Rash Decisions (#6.13)" (2015)
Jay Pritchett: [dropping off Stella] Okay guys listen up: She gets three walks a day. Keep her off the bed, we're training her. No chicken bones. If she starts to wheeze...
Mitchell Pritchett: Wow remember when you dropped me off at summer camp? You barely slowed down the car.

Manny Delgado: For whatever it's worth my eyes have stopped itching, I can taste my food, and I have a lot more energy.
Jay Pritchett: You took a three hour nap yesterday!
Manny Delgado: I was tired from the marathon.
Jay Pritchett: The Downton Abbey marathon?

"Modern Family: Knock 'Em Down (#6.20)" (2015)
Jay Pritchett: Fine, I'll do it. I don't like that guy. But what happens if someone I know comes in here? I don't want them thinking I have a double life.
Cameron Tucker: Trust me, if someone you know comes in here, they are the ones living a double life.

Jay Pritchett: First you tell them I'm gay, and now I have a boyfriend? All these lies just to win a trophy?
Cameron Tucker: Yes.
Jay Pritchett: I can respect that.

"Modern Family: Good Cop Bad Dog (#2.22)" (2011)
Jay Pritchett: Honey, I love you, but you have to learn to say no to people.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: All right. Ask me if you can go golfing.
Jay Pritchett: Other people.

Guillermo: Last year, 4 billion dollars was spent on dog training.
Jay Pritchett: That's not true.
Guillermo: I know; I was just as surprised as you are.
Jay Pritchett: Yeah; you were surprised because it's not true.
Guillermo: So what is this multi-billion dollar industry missing?
Jay Pritchett: Multi-billion dollars.

"Modern Family: Clean Out Your Junk Drawer (#7.8)" (2015)
Jay Pritchett: Why do we choose partners so different from ourselves? It's not fate or chance or cliches like, "the heart wants what the heart wants". We choose our partners because they represent the unfinished business from our childhood. And we choose them because they manifest the qualities we wish we had. In doing so, in choosing such a challenging partner and working to give them what they need, we chart a course for our own growth.

Jay Pritchett: That's it! I'm out! What the hell are we doing? Dancing around, telling secrets like girls at a slumber party. I can just imagine my old man with his buddies sitting on their lawn chairs, laughing their asses off that I missed a whole day of football 'cause I'm trying to get in touch with my emotions. These guys didn't do that crap. These were men! His best friend Tommy Ryan lost half a finger in a sheet metal press. Waited until his shift ended to go to the hospital. I broke my collar bone in a football game. There was Dad up in the stands giving me the old, "Be tough." So I played two more downs before I passed out. My date, Mary Jo Klumsky, left the senior dance with another guy. Broke my heart. 2 a.m. at the kitchen table, my old man's telling me, "Eat the sandwich and forget about her." Feelings! I didn't even cry at his funeral. You believe that? The guy was my whole world. Not a tear. Everybody looking at me like... like I didn't love him. But he knew!
[sniffs, voice cracks]
Jay Pritchett: He had to know, right?
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: [rushing over to hug Jay] Of course he did.
Jay Pritchett: Son of a bitch, that felt good getting that out.
Phil Dunphy: Wow.
Claire Dunphy: I know. They just won therapy.

"Modern Family: Strangers in the Night (#6.9)" (2014)
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: This is what I'm wearing to the dog party.
Jay Pritchett: Well, be careful. Most of these people are single.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Why am I not surprised?

Jay Pritchett: Look, I know you're not a dog person.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: I don't mind dogs. I'm just not a dog person person.

"Modern Family: The Musical Man (#2.19)" (2011)
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: You don't make a run for a woman. You woo her, you make her feel special.
Jay Pritchett: Check it out, honey. It's my butt.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: And then when you get her, you can tell her anything you want.

Donnie Pritchett: Yeah, they caught it early, I took the treatment, I'm clear for now. Come on, it's your shot.
Jay Pritchett: Caught what early? Donny, are you talking about
Jay Pritchett: cancer?
Donnie Pritchett: You don't have to whisper. I know I got it. You just get your prostate checked. By a doctor, not some guy you met on the Internet.

"Modern Family: The One That Got Away (#2.24)" (2011)
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: So this is really what you want to do all day? Fishing?
Jay Pritchett: Then after that, a gourmet meal. The Sausage of the Month Club really nailed it in May. Makes up for last month with that chorizo. No offense.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: What's this offended? Is just a sausage, it's not in our flag.

Jay Pritchett: [answering his phone] Hello? She's not with me, Cam. I got her phone. Why are you crying? How do you get kicked out of a bakery? Well, that'll do it.
Cameron Tucker: I'm sorry to ask you to get your own birthday cake, but I can't get ahold of any-anyone else.
Jay Pritchett: Can't do it. I'm on my way to the lake, finally. Just get something at the grocery store.
Cameron Tucker: I am not getting you a grocery store cake!
[starting to panic]
Cameron Tucker: Gloria asked me to handle this. She's gonna yell at me, Jay. She can be mean in Spanish.

"Modern Family: Grill, Interrupted (#6.19)" (2015)
Jay Pritchett: A little early for tequila, isn't it?
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: It's for Luke.
Jay Pritchett: I'm sure that makes it all better.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: I see the way he looks at this bottle. He looks at it the way you look at me in that strapless dress.
Jay Pritchett: I do love that dress.

Jay Pritchett: This family needs a leader, and I can't do it forever. You can handle it.
Alex Dunphy: Do I have to?
Jay Pritchett: [Puts the paper crown Lily made him on Alex's head] Heavy hangs the head.

"Modern Family: Marco Polo (#6.4)" (2014)
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Manny's first girlfriend. A senior with a Mustang.
Jay Pritchett: My money was on a sophomore with a moustache.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Look at the way she looks at him. The same way I look at him. It's beautiful.
Jay Pritchett: And in this case, healthy.

"Modern Family: Under Pressure (#5.12)" (2014)
Manny Delgado: It's Junior Congress. Only one child per school gets to attend. I think I can really make a difference.
Jay Pritchett: Regular Congress can't even make a difference.

Phil Dunphy: You can't go in there.
Jay Pritchett: Why not?
Phil Dunphy: That's the teachers lounge. It's for teachers only.
Jay Pritchett: You're a teacher. Right now you're teaching me how to be a little bitch.

"Modern Family: Caught in the Act (#2.13)" (2011)
Claire Dunphy: So you're here giving me a lecture about the importance of locking my bedroom door, while here to erase a naked picture of your wife sent by mistake to my e-mail.
Jay Pritchett: The irony is just occuring to me.

Jay Pritchett: Oh, well. We tried. Vegas, here we come!
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Turn... around... the car!
Jay Pritchett: Only because I want to.

"Modern Family: Door to Door (#3.4)" (2011)
Jay Pritchett: Write this down: A good salesman goes after Moby Dick in a rowboat and brings the tartar sauce with him.

Manny Delgado: Excuse me, would you like some Christmas wrapping paper?
Jewish Neighbor: Actually, I'm Jewish.
Manny Delgado: Then you must appreciate a good value.
Jay Pritchett: Oy vey.

"Modern Family: Unplugged (#2.5)" (2010)
Jay Pritchett: Gloria's grandfathers and uncles were butchers, so she's always had a certain comfort level when it comes to... killing.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: [Swinging a shovel] What? First you smash it, then you cut the head off.
Jay Pritchett: Like it was nothing.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: I go to church now.
Jay Pritchett: She left the head out there to send a message to the other rats.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: You really think I would kill a dog?
Jay Pritchett: Well, what was I supposed to think?
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: I don't know, how about - I didn't kill a dog?
Jay Pritchett: Just tell me what you did with it.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: He's in a better place.
Jay Pritchett: That's what people say when something's dead.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Okay, fine. I took him to a farm where he has plenty of room to run.
Jay Pritchett: That's the second thing people say when something's dead.

"Modern Family: Hit and Run (#3.5)" (2011)
Jay Pritchett: This kid is on the job for ten minutes and he wants me to wow him.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: What is this wow?
Manny Delgado: It's the Bieberization of America.
Jay Pritchett: What do beavers have to do with this?
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: The beavers, they build the dams all over the country so there are no floods. It's the beaverization of America.
Manny Delgado: I find that we have less and less to talk about.

Mitchell Pritchett: Cam thinks he's Dirty Harry.
Jay Pritchett: I have trouble picturing Clint Eastwood in that shirt.

"Modern Family: Other People's Children (#5.17)" (2014)
Phil Dunphy: I am the king of banana bread. You know what my secret is? No nuts.
Jay Pritchett: That's no secret.

Luke Dunphy: What's this thing?
Jay Pritchett: It's called a vise.
Luke Dunphy: [singing] Eidelvise...
Jay Pritchett: No! I already went through that with Mitchell. This is what we're trying to prevent.

"Modern Family: Hawaii (#1.23)" (2010)
Jay Pritchett: Give me the biggest cheeseburger you have. Instead of salad, I want fries, and instead of fruit, chilli fries.

[Jay is stuck in a hammock after his back gives out]
Jay Pritchett: I'm stuck. I laid down, my back went out.
Phil Dunphy: Oh. Well, don't you worry. We're gonna get you out of here. Grab on.
Jay Pritchett: Yeah, you know, Phil, this might not be the best...
Phil Dunphy: No, no, no, no, no. I'm just gonna rock you. Like a hurricane. I'm kidding. You're too old to get that.

"Modern Family: iSpy (#5.14)" (2014)
Jay Pritchett: If Shorty calls, tell him I'm dead. It's a funny thing we do.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: How is that funny?
Jay Pritchett: Just don't answer the phone, okay?

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: You turn around for one minute, and they have a second family on the bad part of town.
Jay Pritchett: You're the second family from the bad part of town.

"Modern Family: Airport 2010 (#1.22)" (2010)
Jay Pritchett: Don't get me wrong, I love my family. I love them in birthdays, I love them in barbecues, but do I have to love them in Hawaii?

Manny Delgado: Guess where the world's biggest wind generator is?
Jay Pritchett: Is it right behind me?

"Modern Family: Bad Hair Day (#4.16)" (2013)
Jay Pritchett: Frazier had Ali, we have Closets, Closets, Closets, Closets. It's a stupid name, but they're great bowlers.

Manny Delgado: [Lying on the floor] My life is a musicless grayscape.
Jay Pritchett: I guess this is more than shopping can fix.
Manny Delgado: [Gets up] Worth a shot.

"Modern Family: Won't You Be Our Neighbor (#6.5)" (2014)
Jay Pritchett: Dammit, she saw the Sock It To Me! If she remembers how it works its over.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Remember how it works? You put a sock on a box. Even Joe could have thought of that!

Earl Chambers: I slept with your wife.
Jay Pritchett: If you banged DeDe, then I do owe you an apology.

"Modern Family: Chirp (#2.7)" (2010)
[at Jay's workplace, Manny accidentally drove a forklift through a wall]
Manny Delgado: Mom, I'm fine. The hospital said I could go back to school.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: No. You suffered a traumatic experience.
Manny Delgado: I barely remember it. I remember crashing through the wall... and the ambulance ride to the hospital.
Jay Pritchett: That wasn't an ambulance. I drove you.
Manny Delgado: Then what was that siren?
Jay Pritchett: That was your mother.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: I was not that loud.
Jay Pritchett: Cars pulled over, honey.

Jay Pritchett: Get this through your head: you can give me the cold shoulder the rest of your life; Jack's not coming back. See, I could overlook the goofing off, but you could have been seriously hurt today. Anybody puts my kid in danger doesn't get a second chance. Ever. I'll see you later.
Manny Delgado: Did you just call me your kid?
Jay Pritchett: Oh, geez.

"Modern Family: En Garde (#1.7)" (2009)
Jay Pritchett: Who Da Manny?

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: [Trying to make amends after Manny defeats Caroline who happens to be an orphan from the children's hospital] So, can we take you and Caroline out for ice cream?
Denise: We can't. She's diabetic.
Jay Pritchett: Of course she is.

"Modern Family: Larry's Wife (#5.3)" (2013)
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: There is the mark of the devil in our family. My great-great grandfather found an emerald mine, and sold his soul for it.
Jay Pritchett: Is there any paperwork to prove this?
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: On my great grandmother's wedding day, a large bird picked him put and carried him off.
Jay Pritchett: Did you realize that a remarkable number of your stories end with a family member being carried off by a giant bird?
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: I only say what I am told.
Jay Pritchett: I'm just saying, by the third time we might think about moving the party inside.

Jay Pritchett: So what if Joe's a little rambunctious? Kids should just be themselves.
Manny Delgado: [Wearing a Tyrolean hat] I'm ready.
Jay Pritchett: Not with that hat.
Manny Delgado: Guess I'm watching The Sound of Music with a regular hat.

"Modern Family: Princess Party (#2.15)" (2011)
[Jay, Gloria, and Manny are recording an audiobook for Lily]
Jay Pritchett: [after Gloria reads in a growling voice] What kind of voice is that?
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: I am a bear.
Jay Pritchett: A bear? I was gonna get a crucifix.

Claire Dunphy: So, where is she? Where's Mom?
Jay Pritchett: Yeah, let's get the weirdness over with.
Mitchell Pritchett: Well, I thought she was coming with you.
Claire Dunphy: Oh, no, no. I haven't seen Mom since, let's see... oh, she made out with my ex-boyfriend last night.
Jay Pritchett: What?
Claire Dunphy: Yeah.
Mitchell Pritchett: No, my God!
Claire Dunphy: Yeah, yeah. And then she took off with him, didn't come back to the house until after I was asleep. And then this morning, left a cute little note that said "Having breakfast with Robbie."
Jay Pritchett: What the hell is she doing? He's half her age.
[Mitchell and Claire give Jay, who is standing with Gloria, weird looks]
Jay Pritchett: Don't say it.

"Modern Family: Mother's Day (#2.21)" (2011)
Jay Pritchett: What are those?
Phil Dunphy: Onion goggles. No more tears. Welcome to the 21st Century. You should get a pair.
Jay Pritchett: I was just about to suggest the same thing.

Claire Dunphy: How was your day with my dad?
Phil Dunphy: Awkward, actually. He, um... he cried a little.
Claire Dunphy: My dad?
Phil Dunphy: Shh.
Mitchell Pritchett: Dad what?
Claire Dunphy: He cried.
Phil Dunphy: No, I didn't say he cried.
Cameron Tucker: Who cried?
Mitchell Pritchett: My dad.
Phil Dunphy: Stop!
Cameron Tucker: Why would you make Jay sob like that?
Phil Dunphy: I didn't make him sob. He... teared up when I found this poem he wrote for his mom as a boy.
Cameron Tucker, Claire Dunphy, Mitchell Pritchett: Aw!
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: [entering] What is "aw"?
Mitchell Pritchett: Phil saw Dad cry.
Cameron Tucker: Jay misses his mama.
Phil Dunphy: Everybody stop!
Jay Pritchett: [entering] Is anybody hungry?
[seeing everybody looking at him weirdly]
Jay Pritchett: What?
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: You cried for your mommy.
Jay Pritchett: Oh, crap. I did not.

"Modern Family: Diamond in the Rough (#4.10)" (2012)
Jay Pritchett: [about Gloria's off-key rendition of "Mockingbird"] Papa's gonna buy ten diamond rings to keep that mockingbird from singing. But I wasn't going to tell Gloria. That's taking a bath with a toaster.

"Modern Family: The Verdict (#7.5)" (2015)
Jay Pritchett: What's wrong with schools today? I'm successful, and I had a nun with a mustache.

"Modern Family: Coal Digger (#1.5)" (2009)
Claire Dunphy: So what happened?
Principal Balaban: Well, apparently there was some name-calling and shoving on the playground, but by the time the teachers separated them, Luke was sitting on Manny's chest.
Jay Pritchett: Luke, that's not like you.
Principal Balaban: Wait a minute. You're Luke's father?
Jay Pritchett: Grandfather.
Principal Balaban: So, Manny's father is...
[Looks at Phil, who points to Jay]
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Javier. Crazy guy. That's where he gets his fire.
Principal Balaban: Okay. You're...
Claire Dunphy: He's our son.
Jay Pritchett: And my grandson.
Claire Dunphy: I'm his daughter.
Principal Balaban: Okay, so you're...
Manny Delgado: His uncle.
Luke Dunphy: Stop saying that or I'll sit on your chest again!
Claire Dunphy: Wait a second. Is that what this is all about?
Luke Dunphy: He keeps calling me his nephew.
Manny Delgado: You are my nephew!

"Modern Family: The Last Walt (#3.20)" (2012)
Jay Pritchett: This one time, Mitchell karate-chopped a glass plate window and had to get 17 stitches.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Oh, I love this story! Which Charlie's Angel was he trying to be?

"Modern Family: White Christmas (#7.9)" (2015)
Joe Pritchett: Snow?
Manny Delgado: No, that's a leaf.
Alex Dunphy: It's hotter here than at home!
Claire Dunphy: Gloria, in your little daily emails, you said it was going to be cold.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: That's what my phone said.
Jay Pritchett: [looks over] You're on Celsius!
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Oh.
[changes the temperature settings]
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: It's going to be hot, guys!

"Modern Family: The Storm (#7.14)" (2016)
Jay Pritchett: A damn tree's blocking the street. I need my chainsaw.
Phil Dunphy: Jay, I know you didn't ask my advice...
Jay Pritchett: I'm glad you noticed that. I've been stuck here all day. Now, I'm going to that bar! The last thing I need's another delay. Where the hell's the chainsaw?
Phil Dunphy: It's right there.
[Thunder crashes; Jay sighs and hangs his head sadly]
Jay Pritchett: I'm not going to get there, am I?
Phil Dunphy: We don't have to talk about it.
Jay Pritchett: Old Navy buddy of mine, Big Jake, died today. Guys in my unit have a tradition whereas, if one of us goes, the rest of us, no matter where we are, find the nearest Irish pub and at 7:00 silently toast the fallen. Started with ten guys. Four of us left. Probably should have told Gloria about it, but I don't know... We... We all went through some rough stuff together... Hard to talk about.
[Jay looks up to see that Phil has created a makeshift Irish pub in the garage with holiday decorations and has poured Jay a whiskey shot in a tin cup. Jay checks his watch, then raises his cup in tribute and drinks]
Jay Pritchett: Thanks.
[Phil turns to leave; Jay grabs a second cup and pours out two more whiskey shots]
Jay Pritchett: Phil?
[Phil turns around and, moved, takes the second cup from Jay. The two men clink cups and then drink in silence]

"Modern Family: My Funky Valentine (#1.15)" (2010)
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: It's Valentine's Day. I thought we were going salsa dancing, not to watch a comedian.
Jay Pritchett: You're gonna love him. Trust me. The guy's hilarious.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Okay, tell me one of his jokes.
Jay Pritchett: He doesn't do jokes.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Does he have a mallet?
Jay Pritchett: No.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: So then how does he get hit in the head?
Jay Pritchett: He doesn't hit in the head. He... he makes observations. He tells the truth in a funny way. Come on, he's been on Johnny Carson a hundred times.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Who the hell is Johnny Carson?
Jay Pritchett: Oh, for God's sake.
[cut to interview]
Jay Pritchett: Gloria and I are from different generations. And I won't lie: it isn't always easy. I mean, last week she thought Simon and Garfunkel were my lawyers.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: No, I didn't.
Jay Pritchett: It was a joke.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: I don't get it.
Jay Pritchett: Maybe that's because there's no mallet.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Yeah, I wish I had a mallet right now.

"Modern Family: Best Men (#4.17)" (2013)
Jay Pritchett: Uh-oh. We have to go back.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: What is it?
Jay Pritchett: There's more pictures of nudes in here, and they're of Daliya.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: You mean those aren't my boobs?
Jay Pritchett: This isn't Nude Descending a Staircase, this is a nude vacuuming a staircase!

"Modern Family: The Closet Case (#7.3)" (2015)
Jay Pritchett: Mitchell, just in time. I have room for another knife in my back.
Mitchell Pritchett: I'm here to tell you that Earl is not as bad as you say he is.
Jay Pritchett: I saw him eat a panda steak.

"Modern Family: Spring-A-Ding-Fling (#5.16)" (2014)
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: [about Joe] He's walking! The candles that I lit worked!
Jay Pritchett: Look at him. He's like a sherpa crossed with a mountain goat.

"Modern Family: Election Day (#3.19)" (2012)
Jay Pritchett: Claire likes to win. When she was eight, a little Girl Scout friend of hers bragged she could sell the most cookies. Damned if Claire didn't walk the neighborhood 'till she got blisters on her feet, and won by ten boxes. Best part is, Claire wasn't even a Girl Scout.

"Modern Family: Halloween (#2.6)" (2010)
Jay Pritchett: Tell me you did something about the costumes.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: I'm going to get them this afternoon. You are going to be a gargle and I am goint to be an evil village bruja.
Jay Pritchett: I know less now than I did when I asked.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: A bruja is a witch and a gargle is a gargle.
Manny Delgado: She means gargoyle.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: That's what I said.

"Modern Family: Fifteen Percent (#1.13)" (2010)
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: How was your lunch with the boys?
Jay Pritchett: Good. Ran into Mitchell and Cam.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Ay, nice.
Jay Pritchett: And you're not going to believe this: Mitchell says Shorty's gay.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Shorty?
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Yeah, I believe it.
Jay Pritchett: Oh, come on!

"Modern Family: Go Bullfrogs! (#3.6)" (2011)
Jay Pritchett: Gloria is always complaining that we don't do enough stuff together, so we're sitting down to watch this crazy Colombian soap opera.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Fuego Y Hielo.
Jay Pritchett: Which, roughly translated, means "Big Hair and Loud Yelling".
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: "Fire and Ice". It's about human suffering. You can relate to it.
Jay Pritchett: I'm just saying the man's a judge, you'd think he'd wear a shirt.

"Modern Family: Not in My House (#1.12)" (2010)
Jay Pritchett: Where's Cam?
Mitchell Pritchett: We got into a fight. Because of him, I have a house full of Latinos
Jay Pritchett: Welcome to my world. So, trouble in gay paradise, huh?
Mitchell Pritchett: Well, he just can't say no to anybody who needs help and why do you have to always add the word 'gay' where it doesn't belong?

"Modern Family: Dude Ranch (#3.1)" (2011)
[Dylan has disapppeared]
Hank: Okay, people, looks like we have a walker. Right now he is facing treacherous terrain, sudden drops, mountain lions, hungry bears... oh, and wolverines. That is if the hypothermia didn't already get him.
Claire Dunphy: [quietly, to herself] Why did we come here again?
Hank: So our best bet is to split up. You two are gonna take to the north hiking trail.
Haley Dunphy: Can I go with my dad instead?
Hank: Negative. I need Buffalo Phil and old-timer to check the Snake River.
Phil Dunphy: [pleased] "Buffalo Phil". Worth the wait.
Hank: Me and Cactus Flower will ride on up to Destiny Ridge.
Jay Pritchett: Maybe I should ride up there with her.
Hank: Negatory. That trail is for advanced riders only. We don't need another dead body.
Haley Dunphy: [worried] "Another"?

"Modern Family: Open House of Horrors (#4.5)" (2012)
Jay Pritchett: You don't need that siren. You can stop traffic just by getting out of the squad car.
Police Officer: License and registration, please.
Jay Pritchett: I'm no stranger to Police Academy. I've seen all seven.
Police Officer: Sir, no one's seen all seven.

"Modern Family: The Big Guns (#6.12)" (2015)
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: I don't want to rush him. Too much pressure and he will get traumatized.
Jay Pritchett: He's grown up drinking from a breast bigger than his head. I don't think he scares easy.

"Modern Family: Career Day (#4.21)" (2013)
Jay Pritchett: I have a character in a bind.
Manny Delgado: What did he do?
Jay Pritchett: He told his wife he could write a book.

"Modern Family: Integrity (#6.21)" (2015)
Jay Pritchett: You have one of two choices: either go take a pity bath, or go back to that school like a man and act like you don't even know that girl.
Manny Delgado: If mom asks, I borrowed her tub pillow.

"Modern Family: A Fair to Remember (#5.7)" (2013)
Manny Delgado: Bakers get all the girls.
Jay Pritchett: Cooks get all the girls. Bakers are girls. Betty Crocker, Mrs. Fields, Little Debbie...
Manny Delgado: What about the Pillsbury Doughboy?
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Good one, Manny.
[Tickles Manny's belly, he giggles]

"Modern Family: The Party (#7.18)" (2016)
Jay Pritchett: Also, am I the only one who realizes that these two are high as kites?

"Modern Family: Dance Dance Revelation (#2.10)" (2010)
Phil Dunphy: It's Dunphy. Dunphy!
Jay Pritchett: That's what I said, Dumphy.
Phil Dunphy: Not Dum, dun. Dunphy.
Jay Pritchett: Dumphy.
Phil Dunphy: Say Dun.
Jay Pritchett: Dun.
Phil Dunphy: Say Phy.
Jay Pritchett: Phy.
Phil Dunphy: Dunphy.
Jay Pritchett: Dumphy.

"Modern Family: Moon Landing (#1.14)" (2010)
Mitchell Pritchett: Hey, Dad. Uh, did you know that the accident was Gloria's fault?
Jay Pritchett: Yes. I mean, I wasn't there, but she's a horrible driver. If she hit ten cars, I wouldn't be surprised.
Mitchell Pritchett: If you knew that it was her fault, why did you get me involved?
Jay Pritchett: Because someone has to tell her she's in the wrong, and better you than me.
Mitchell Pritchett: That's great. Here I am thinking that my dad actually respects me as a lawyer, and really you're just throwing me to the wolves.
Jay Pritchett: Can't it be both?
Mitchell Pritchett: Okay. Dad, it... it doesn't bother you in the least that your gay son is the only one tough enough to stand up to your wife?
Jay Pritchett: Go get 'em, Rocky. See you later.
Cameron Tucker: [calling out before Jay hangs up] Your father and I had a moon landing in the locker room.
Jay Pritchett: [hanging up the phone] What's the matter with you?

"Modern Family: Send Out the Clowns (#3.18)" (2012)
Jay Pritchett: We think that Griffin might be hanging out with you because he's got a little crush on your mother and me.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: On you?
Manny Delgado: Wow. I can't believe it.
Jay Pritchett: Listen, it's fine. You're gonna be fine.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: I'm sorry.
Manny Delgado: Are you kidding? It's fantastic!
Jay Pritchett: How is it fantastic?
Manny Delgado: I'm only hanging out with him because I have the hots for his sister Chloe. You've met Griffin; the kid's a doorknob.

"Modern Family: Patriot Games (#6.22)" (2015)
Jay Pritchett: Gloria's about to take her citizenship test. This little jumping bean is about to become an American.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Jumping beans are Mexican.
Jay Pritchett: Once you're an American you won't see the difference.

"Modern Family: Strangers on a Treadmill (#2.4)" (2010)
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: You don't know anyone at this party.
Jay Pritchett: Sure I do. Watch this. Hey, Carlos!
[Man turns around]
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Lucky guess.
Jay Pritchett: [On camera] Lucky he was the only one who turned around.

"Modern Family: Our Children, Ourselves (#2.12)" (2011)
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Jay, you can't treat people this way.
Jay Pritchett: Oh, and your way is better, pretending to like people even though you hate them?
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: I'm doing it right now.

"Modern Family: The Bicycle Thief (#1.2)" (2009)
Jay Pritchett: Manny thinks his dad is like Superman. The truth, he's a total flake. In fact, the only way he's like Superman is that they both landed in this country illegally.

"Modern Family: Games People Play (#4.23)" (2013)
Manny Delgado: I need my backpack. My poetry is in there.
Jay Pritchett: Didn't you back it up in the computer?
Manny Delgado: What kind of man writes poetry in a computer?
Jay Pritchett: You could've stopped that sentence after "poetry".

"Modern Family: The Incident (#1.4)" (2009)
Mitchell Pritchett: You know, Mom's in town.
Jay Pritchett: Your mom?
Mitchell Pritchett: No. No, your mom. She's back from the grave. Yes. Yes, my mom, Dad.
Jay Pritchett: My mom would be less scary.
Mitchell Pritchett: Listen, she's a wreck about what happened at the wedding, and she wants to come to dinner tonight to apologize to everyone.
Jay Pritchett: Still her little errand boy, I see.
Mitchell Pritchett: No... why does everyone keep saying... No! I... I'm just trying to piece this family back together. So, you'll talk to Gloria about Mom coming to dinner?
Jay Pritchett: Oh, Gloria would never go for that in a million years. She's still furious with your mother, which is why I'm not talking to you.
Mitchell Pritchett: What did I do?
Jay Pritchett: This conversation never took place.
Mitchell Pritchett: What? That's not very nice. I drove all the way here.
Jay Pritchett: No, you didn't. You were never here. In fact, you never even called.
Mitchell Pritchett: I would have called, but I thought it would be better to talk about... what's happening here?
Jay Pritchett: Listen, I would love to get this thing behind us, but Gloria would never forgive me if I pulled a fast one on her. That's why *you're* going to pull a fast one on her, and I'm not going to like it one bit.

"Modern Family: Truth Be Told (#1.17)" (2010)
[Jay has accidentally killed Manny's pet turtle and lied about it]
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: You have to tell him.
Jay Pritchett: No. I've been through this before. When Mitchell was nine, I was supposed to take care of his bird. It got out and flew into a fan. It was like a bloody pillow fight.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: My God. How many pets have you killed?
Jay Pritchett: Just the two. I took the heat on the bird. It was a big mistake. To this day, Mitchell looks at me, I see him thinking "That's the guy who killed Fliza Minnelli."
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: And what if he finds out? Then what? You'll be the guy who killed his pet and lied to him.
Jay Pritchett: He's not going to find out, because I covered my tracks.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Okay.
[Gloria starts to leave, then pauses]
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: "Fliza Minnelli"?
Jay Pritchett: How did I not know that kid was gay?

"Modern Family: The Day Alex Left for College (#7.2)" (2015)
Jay Pritchett: We have to go to the damn game. And they'll never believe any of our excuses ever again, even if they're true.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Unless...
Manny Delgado: Why do you do that? Why do you just say "unless" and then pause? Just finish the thought.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: [Pulls out pellet gun] Unless Jay really gets shot in the foot.
Jay Pritchett: I can't believe I'm saying this again, after seven years of marriage, but please put the gun away.

"Modern Family: ClosetCon '13 (#5.8)" (2013)
Jay Pritchett: ClosetCon is the premiere trade show in North America for the closet industry. I stopped going years ago because it's a trade show for the closet industry.

"Modern Family: Bixby's Back (#2.14)" (2011)
Jay Pritchett: Honey, I love all this stuff, but you can't win Valentine's Day. It defeats the whole purpose if you make it into some silly competition.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Shut up, I win.

"Modern Family: Phil's Sexy, Sexy House (#7.7)" (2015)
Jay Pritchett: What is Joe doing in Stella's cage?
Manny Delgado: He knows what he did.

"Modern Family: Regrets Only (#2.16)" (2011)
Jay Pritchett: You know, when you get a massage you sound like a Tijuana prostitute.

"Modern Family: Goodnight Gracie (#4.24)" (2013)
Jay Pritchett: Turns out she sent more men off to war than Lyndon Johnson.