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: I'm sitting on top of a volcano of rage and I've got nowhere to direct it. Marty Sherman
: [picks up a note
] There's a critic's screening of the new Sylvester Stallone movie tonight... Jay Sherman
: What's it about? Marty Sherman
: Lets see. He plays a concert pianist who... Jay Sherman
: [jumping up
] To the multiplex! Marty Sherman
: Dad, watching you run that marathon was the proudest two and a half days of my life.
: Musicians don't have to be handsome, and do they get beautiful women? Let me say just two words to you: Lyle Lovett. Marty Sherman
: I thought he was handsome. Jay Sherman
: No, you're thinking of Jon Lovitz, and I agree. With his sephardic good looks, he takes the cake.
] Who died and made you El Presidente? Marty Sherman
] Dad, that's Castro!
: But all they want to do is goof off and eat candy. Jay Sherman
: Well, son, as President, you're above that.
[remembers Ronald Reagan being sworn in
] Ronald Reagan
: I do solemnly swear that as your President, I will goof off and eat candy.
[falls asleep at podium
: Four more years! Four more years!
: But I can't act! Drama Teacher
] That's what a young Steve Guttenberg told me, und look at him now! eh, No, look at him four years ago.
: This is worse than the time you sucker-punched Mr. Rogers!