Bubba J
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Quotes for
Bubba J (Character)
from Jeff Dunham: Arguing with Myself (2006) (TV)

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Jeff Dunham: Minding the Monsters (2012) (TV)
Jeff Dunham: All right, so, Bubba J, you're a vampire.
Bubba J: Yup, and I've come to suck your beer!

Bubba J: I'm Count Beercula! And I drink Blood-weiser!
Jeff Dunham: Anything else?
Bubba J: Yeah, I'm a white trash vampire.
Jeff Dunham: How's that?
Bubba J: My coffin has a gun rack.
Jeff Dunham: Really?
Bubba J: And I bit my cousin.

Jeff Dunham: Your coffin has a gun rack?
Bubba J: Everything I own has a gun rack. My gun rack has a gun rack. My coffee maker has a gun rack. My dishwasher has a gun rack.
Jeff Dunham: Your dishwasher?
Bubba J: Actually, I don't have a dishwasher.
Jeff Dunham: Oh.
Bubba J: My wife is my dishwasher, but she has a rack! I could rest my pistol there, if you know what I'm talking about. You know what I'm talking about? 'Cause I don't.

Jeff Dunham: So Bubba J, why do you choose to be a vampire?
Bubba J: Well, we have a lot in common.
Jeff Dunham: How's that?
Bubba J: We both hang around with folks with red necks.
Jeff Dunham: Makes sense.
Bubba J: Yeah, and if you're a redneck vampire, you can only be killed by a silver mullet.
Bubba J: Or a chicken-fried stake through the heart.

Jeff Dunham: So, Bubba J, are you Team Edward or Team Jacob?
Bubba J: Oh-ho, I'm Team Jack Daniels. Yeah, I've seen those Twilight vampires. I'm not sure about that. That one main guy, he's got a six-pack.
Jeff Dunham: Right.
Bubba J: Yeah, big deal. I've got a keg.

Jeff Dunham: [to Bubba J] You have hair.
Bubba J: I know. It's a miracle! It's like an armpit grew on my head.

Jeff Dunham: Bubba J, I was wondering something.
Bubba J: Yeah, that happens to me a lot, too.
Jeff Dunham: What I was going to say is, what happens if a vampire drinks the blood of an alcoholic?
Bubba J: [gasps] That's genius! I got a blood alcohol level of 3.4. I should bite myself! Wait, if I do that, will I go blind?
[the audience laughs]
Jeff Dunham: No.
Bubba J: Oh yeah, that's something else, isn't it? Yeah, okay, no, no.
Jeff Dunham: But that's a pretty high blood alcohol level.
Bubba J: Yeah, drink too much of my blood, and you'll end up going home with an ugly chick with a lazy eye. And you won't even realize she's a he!

Jeff Dunham: You know, Bubba J, you kinda look like the Count on "Sesame Street".
Bubba J: Oh. That's the vampire that knows how to count, right?
Jeff Dunham: Yeah.
Bubba J: That's where he and I are different.
Jeff Dunham: So how high can you count?
Bubba J: Six. When I buy a 12-pack, I just have to trust 'em.
Jeff Dunham: Well, you can just buy two six-packs.
Bubba J: [whimpers] I think I hurt my brain.

Bubba J: I love Halloween. Trick or drink!
Jeff Dunham: Trick or treat.
Bubba J: Not on my road.
Jeff Dunham: What do you do, hand out cans of beer?
Bubba J: [laughs] That'd be dumb. No, no. I squirt 'em in the mouth with a keg hose. Yeah, that ain't no normal golden shower.
Jeff Dunham: [chuckles] I wouldn't know.
Bubba J: Heh. Yeah, whatever.

Jeff Dunham: [to Bubba J, who is dressed as a vampire] I think this is a good choice for you.
Bubba J: Yeah. I wanted to be a ghost, but somebody backstage told me a redneck in a white sheet wasn't a good idea.

Jeff Dunham: [to Bubba J, dressed as a vampire] Like this, I think you're pretty scary.
Bubba J: Thanks.
Jeff Dunham: But what scares you?
Bubba J: Tornadoes, breathalyzers... and books with words.
Jeff Dunham: Well, I agree with you on the tornadoes.
Bubba J: Yeah, it's pretty scary when you get into bed and the room is spinning the wrong way. Think about it... I don't think Dorothy's house really went anywhere. She was just drunk off her ass.

Jeff Dunham: So Bubba J, if you were a real vampire, you'd have to stay inside all day.
Bubba J: Yeah.
Jeff Dunham: What would you do?
Bubba J: I'd watch NASCAR on my plasma TV.
Jeff Dunham: Oh. Wait a minute, you have a plasma TV?
Bubba J: Well, sort of. It's a regular TV, but I call it that 'cause I sold my blood to get it.

Jeff Dunham: [to Bubba J, who has hair as part of his vampire costume] I'll bet you didn't even recognize yourself in a mirror.
Bubba J: Oh, I never look in a mirror.
Jeff Dunham: Why not?
Bubba J: Because in a mirror, I'm backwards, and it scares me.
Jeff Dunham: It scares you?
Bubba J: Yeah, because I know that all mirrors are actually windows to that world where everything they do is the opposite of us.
Bubba J: And when they look in the mirror, they see us, and we're doing everything they do but backwards to them.
[nods again]
Jeff Dunham: That's ridiculous.
Bubba J: I know, but you can't prove me wrong!
Jeff Dunham: Bubba J...
Bubba J: And sometimes, folks from that world lose their way and then somehow end up in this world. They are amongst us!
Jeff Dunham: How can you tell?
Bubba J: They're easy to spot.
Jeff Dunham: How?
Bubba J: Because they write with their left hands!

Jeff Dunham: So Bubba J, what do you like most about Halloween?
Bubba J: Oh, I like it when hot girls dress up like sexy kittens.
Jeff Dunham: Kittens?
Bubba J: Yeah, which, after too much beer, led to my unfortunate incident with my neighbor's cat. Yeah, I still have scratches in bad places. And one really good one. So does the cat.

Jeff Dunham: So Bubba J, what else scares you?
Bubba J: Being kidnapped by aliens.
Jeff Dunham: Right.
Bubba J: The ones from space, not Mexico.

Jeff Dunham: [to Bubba J] Do you ever have any trouble around your neighborhood on Halloween?
Bubba J: Yeah, last Halloween, somebody threw toilet tissue all over my trailer.
Jeff Dunham: Really?
Bubba J: Yeah. Just in time, too. I was out of leaves and down to pine cones.

Jeff Dunham: So Bubba J, did you ever go trick or treating when you were a kid?
Bubba J: Yeah, but where I lived it wasn't easy.
Jeff Dunham: Why?
Bubba J: It's hard to go trick-or-treating when any house you're at could suddenly pull away. Ding-dong. Trick or treat.
[makes the sound of a house speeding away]
Bubba J: He's got Milky Ways! Shoot the tires!

Jeff Dunham: Arguing with Myself (2006) (TV)
Jeff Dunham: What's your favorite beer?
Bubba J.: An open one.
Jeff Dunham: How do you know when you drink too much?
Bubba J.: I run out.

Jeff Dunham: Do you have a drinking problem?
Bubba J.: Nah, I have it pretty much figured out.

Bubba J.: AA is for quitters.

Jeff Dunham: Are you married?
Bubba J.: Yep.
Jeff Dunham: Your wife pretty?
Bubba J.: Ye... no!
Jeff Dunham: What's the difference?
Bubba J.: The light.

Jeff Dunham: So did you date for a while?
Bubba J.: Yup.
Jeff Dunham: You propose?
Bubba J.: No, her daddy did that.
Jeff Dunham: How did that happen?
Bubba J.: I went over to her house one night, was supposed to pick her up at seven, showed up at seven thirty. Her daddy was out on the porch with his shotgun, he said, "Hey, Bubba J! Guess who else is late?"

Jeff Dunham: So, uh, Bubba J., what does the J stand for?
Bubba J.: Uh, my last name is Junior.
Jeff Dunham: Oh. Well, it's a good thing they didn't name you "Junior".
Bubba J.: Yeah, that'd be dumb. Junior Junior.
Bubba J.: That's my brother's name.

Jeff Dunham: How are you doing, Bubba J.?
Bubba J.: I'm doin' pretty good!
Jeff Dunham: I'm glad you're here.
Bubba J.: Yeah, I was fixin' to come here, and I went out the front door to come here and I came here and I got here and here I am!

Jeff Dunham: [about NASCAR] Sweet Daddy says it's just a bunch of guys driving in a circle.
Bubba J.: Oh, I know! That's my favorite part! They're makin' a left turn!
Bubba J.: It's a sport that's easy to follow when you're hammered.

Bubba J.: I'm tired of hearin' that most NASCAR fans drink too much.
Jeff Dunham: Oh, 'cause it's not true?
Bubba J.: Oh, no, it's true, I'm just tired of hearing it. Makes me thirsty for another beer.

Jeff Dunham: [to Bubba J] Besides beer, do you ever have wine at the track?
Bubba J.: Yeah, I have box wine.
Jeff Dunham: Box wine?
Bubba J.: Yeah, it is wine that comes in a box.
Jeff Dunham: Yeah.
Bubba J.: It's great, 'cause if you had too much to drink, then you got something to throw up in.

Jeff Dunham: Bubba J., when you go to a NASCAR race and you party a lot, who is your designated driver?
Bubba J.: What the fuck is that?
Jeff Dunham: Do you drive drunk?
Bubba J.: No, officer! I'm practicing.

Jeff Dunham: Bubba J, don't you worry about your health?
Bubba J.: Huh?
Jeff Dunham: Your health.
Bubba J.: Oh, like what?
Jeff Dunham: Your liver.
Bubba J.: Ah, no. My last abduction was that aliens took it.
Jeff Dunham: You think you got abducted by aliens?
Bubba J.: I don't think, I know! They took me and they stuck something in my butt. And not in the good way.

Jeff Dunham: Bubba J, have you ever had an intervention?
Bubba J.: Yeah, and penicillin cleared it right up. Stupid cousin! It was a second cousin. That's a gray area.

Jeff Dunham's Very Special Christmas Special (2008) (TV)
Jeff Dunham: [Santa accidentally burned himself in Bubba J's fireplace] Why didn't you grab the nearest liquid and put him out?
Bubba J.: That would've been a waste of beer.
Jeff Dunham: What about water?
Bubba J.: We don't drink that crap.
Jeff Dunham: So how'd you put him out?
Bubba J.: I peed on him. Yeah, I've entered a new step to that list.
Jeff Dunham: What list?
Bubba J.: Stop, drop and quit rolling around so I can piss on you!

Jeff Dunham: Bubba J, I understand you've been writing Santa a letter.
Bubba J.: Yeah, I done it on a computer.
Jeff Dunham: Ah. Did you mail it to him?
Bubba J.: [laughs] No.
Jeff Dunham: Why?
Bubba J.: My computer won't fit in the mailbox! Walter's right, you are a dumbass!
[laughs again]

Jeff Dunham: You know, Bubba J, I took the opportunity of printing your letter for you.
[looks at small piece of paper]
Jeff Dunham: And I notice when I printed it, the ink was kind of weird.
Bubba J.: Uh, that's because I was runnin' out of ink, so I mixed it with beer.
Jeff Dunham: You mixed beer with ink?
Bubba J.: Yeah. And if you smell that thing when you're reading it, you get a contact drunk. I learned that from Guitar Guy!

Jeff Dunham: [to Bubba J] You lit Santa on fire?
Bubba J.: No, the damn fireplace did!
Jeff Dunham: And what happened?
Bubba J.: Whoosh! He burst into flames like Marilyn Manson at a Baptist revival!
Jeff Dunham: Bubba J, that's awful!
Bubba J.: That's why I'm still in therapy. It was hard to hear Santa go from "Ho ho ho" to "Ho ho holy shit!"

Bubba J.: Beernog!
Jeff Dunham: Beernog? How do you make beernog?
Bubba J.: Well, you take a big ol' bowl of eggnog and you pour it down the sink. And then you drink a beer.

Bubba J.: [to Jeff] You remind me of that judge on "American Idol".
Jeff Dunham: Simon?
Bubba J.: Paula.

Jeff Dunham: All Over the Map (2014) (TV)
Bubba J: Do they have NASCAR in the UK?
[pronounces it "uck"]
Jeff Dunham: In the what?
Bubba J: In the UK?
[again pronounces it "uck"]
Jeff Dunham: No, it's UK.
[pronounces it correctly, as "U-K"]
Bubba J: Oh, you can spell.

Jeff Dunham: [to Bubba J] What do you think about Iceland?
Bubba J: Uh, do they have beer?
Jeff Dunham: Yeah.
Bubba J: My favorite place ever!

Jeff Dunham: [to Bubba J] You know, even though it's named Iceland, did you know that the winters here are fairly mild?
Bubba J: No. Guess they should've called it Chile.

Jeff Dunham: [to Bubba J] So what do you think about Dublin so far?
Bubba J: Oh, uh, uh, this is the land of beer.
Jeff Dunham: That's right.
Bubba J: I know we're going to Israel soon, but while we've been here in Dublin, I've seen pubs everywhere, so I'm pretty sure this is the Holy Land. And this is the biggest Alcoholics Anonymous meeting I've ever been to.

Jeff Dunham: [to Bubba J] I know a little fact: did you know that people in Scotland buy forty bottles of whiskey every second?
[long pause]
Bubba J: This is my favorite country ever.

Jeff Dunham: [to Bubba J] Did you know that South Africa has the largest brewery in the world?
Bubba J: The largest brewery? I'm gonna write a letter: "My dearest wife, for reasons you will of course understand, I am never coming home."

Jeff Dunham: Controlled Chaos (2011) (TV)
Jeff Dunham: [talking into walkie-talkie] Security?
Bubba J: [standing at the entrance dressed as a security guard, into walkie-talkie] That's my name, don't wear it out.
Jeff Dunham: Bubba J?
Bubba J: Yeah, well, gotta go. Beer break.
Jeff Dunham: Wait, Achmed's late. Keep an eye out for him.
Bubba J: Which eye?

Bubba J: [seeing Achmed pull up in a shiny metallic-orange hot rod with a skull-shaped air-scoop on top of the engine] Whoa-hoh - - is that a HYBRID?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: [irritably] It's the ACHMEDMOBILE, you EEdiot! Just be careful parking it, or I KEEL YOU!
[arrogantly tosses his key-ring in Bubba J's general direction; it sails through the air in slow-motion, then smacks into Bubba J's hat and the side of his head before falling to the pavement]
Bubba J: [in casual happy-go-lucky cheeriness] Didn't hurt.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: [striding away contemptuously] And whatEVER you do, don't touch the RED BUTTON!
Bubba J: [not hearing Achmed's directive properly in his inebriated state, especially since Achmed's back was turned as he was speaking, and then seeing a huge round convex transluscent-red button in the middle of the electronic keyless-entry fob on Achmed's keyring] Got it! Touch the RE-H-H-D button!
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: [not hearing properly himself, either, as he continues to stomp off in a huff, and so he thinks that Bubba J had correctly repeated back his instructions] Yes...
Bubba J: [gleefully and clumsily jams his fat finger down on the red button, causing huge jets of brilliant-orange flame to blast out of the car's windows]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: [hearing the roar of flames and realizing to his sudden consternation that Bubba J has indeed pressed the car's self-destruct button] NO-O-O-O-O-O!
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: [freezes in horror as the entire car erupts in explosive clouds of flying parts and raging fireballs; the detatched skull-scoop sails in a tumbling motion towards the camera, and the title "Controlled Chaos" appears amid the smoke and swirling debris]

Bubba J: Hey, Achmed - - did you get all this sand at Home Depot? This backstage looks like 'ell!
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Shut up, you EEdiot! We are NOT backstage! We are somewhere in da mountains between Pakistan and Afghanistan!
Bubba J: We are? Do they have beer?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: No! Go away, you redneck EENfidel!
Bubba J: 'Kay. Hey, the pizza just got delivered!
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: It did? I -...
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: [suddenly offended at Bubba J's casual interruption of his "important" terrorist's speech]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: SILENCE...!
Bubba J: [in a flippant unconcerned tone of slightly weary derision] Yeah, I know - - you keel me. A##hole.