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: Guess what? I was just down at the market and I saw Patsy Strickland, and she told me that Jeopardy is auditioning contestants tomorrow in Indianapolis, so I'm gonna go down and try out! Alex
: Delilah, that's, uh... Uh, that's, uh... Jeopardy, huh? Delilah
: Yeah, I am so excited about it! I mean, this is my chance to prove to people that I'm not just another dumb blonde. Vivian
: Well, Delilah, we all know that you have your areas of knowledge, but they do have all those categories! I mean, geography? Science? What are you gonna do if they ask you about opera?
[Delilah takes a moment
: "Who is a black talk show host?" Alex
: Wear something pretty.
: I've written a children's story and I'm meeting with a magazine editor tomorrow. Alex
: Vivian! I had to idea you were interested in creative writing. Vivian
: Oh, well, you know, it's not like it's great literature. The baby chick gets lost here, he tracks a little worm there - blah, blah, boo-hoo, the little monsters will eat it up and I'll make a bundle! Alex
: Gosh, it's like having Dr. Seuss right here in my kitchen.
[Vivian reads a story that she wrote
: It was morning in the meadow. Flopsy the bunny saw her bunny boyfriend on the other side of the lane, down the hill, past the glen. Hop, hop, hop! Flopsy ran after him with her little nose a-twitching. Then a semi came barreling down the road and ran her over. Later... Alex
: Hold it, Vivian! What kind of story is that? Vivian
: A children's story. Bree
: Well, it's cruel! Vivian
: Life's cruel! The sooner kids learn it, the better. Mother Buchanan
: I hope you don't read that trash to my grandchildren. I'm sure that it would traumatize Lyndon and P.J. Vivian
: Traumatize them? It was their idea! Of course, it was my idea to call the dead bunny Flopsy... instead of Grandma.
: Oh, girls, am I in trouble! I just went in the ladies room but it's out of order! Vivian
: Then use the men's room. Delilah
: I can't do that! Alex
: Sure you can, it's an emergency. Just knock on the door and go in. The men will understand. Delilah
: Okay, I'll just knock on the door and go on in. We'll all just be adults about it... Oh God, I hope I don't see anybody's dinky!
: Bree, what are you doing? Bree
: I'm waving back at those two men. Alex
: Well, stop it! They'll think you're flirting with them. Bree
: Why would they think that? They're disgusting. Vivian
: They're truckers. They don't know they're disgusting.
: There is a roach the size of a Shetland Pony under this table. Alex
: Oh Vivian, is it really that big? Vivian
: He stole my shoe!
: We just missed the dumb funeral. We can all go home. Mother Buchanan
: The funeral is not dumb and we did not miss it. And we'll go home over my dead body!
[Vivian reaches for Mother Buchanan's neck
: Vivian, don't even think about it. Vivian
: Come on, Alex, we're right here!
: Today is the day from hell! I mean, first I get a ticket, then we run out of gas, then my car gets stolen! My only consolation is that in a few hours this hideous day will be behind us like some bad dream! Funeral Home Worker
: Uh, if you're here for the Velma Buchanan funeral, it's been postponed. Alex
: That never ends!
: My lord! What does it take for the four of you to go to the funeral of an old woman? Alex
: The RIGHT old woman.
: This is ridiculous! I can't believe this is the only motel with a vacancy in this entire hayseed county. Vivian
: Yeah, Great Aunt Velma just had to die the same weekend Hee-Haw Live was in town.
: Delilah's right, Vivian. Ever since the three of us have known each other, you have always acted so superior. Bree
: Three of us? Hello? I'm in this family too, but no one ever notices me. Alex
: We don't have to. You notice you enough for all of us. Bree
: What's that supposed to mean? Delilah
: It means you never met a mirror you didn't like.
[Six pallbearers wheel an enormous wooden box into a funeral
: Yeah, is there anything unusual you wanted to tell us about Great Aunt Velma? Mother Buchanan
: Like what? Alex
: Well, like, uh... Was she ever in Ripley's Believe It Or Not? Mother Buchanan
: If you're referring to her size, yes, she had something of a weight problem. Vivian
: Something of a weight problem? The woman's in a packing crate! Mother Buchanan
: I told you all that she weighed 650 pounds. Delilah
: Noooo, I think we would have remembered that!
[Mother Buchanan enters with a large plush stuffed animal in each arm
: Let's see. I recognize the bear and the monkey, but what's that scary creature in the middle?
: You know, Alexandria, the last person who insulted me was Mr. Kinski, the butcher's assistant. Alex
: Oh yeah, that guy who disappeared recently. Mother Buchanan
: Did he?
[On surrogate motherhood
] Alexandria 'Alex' Buchanan
: Oh, look, I love Delilah. If she'd asked to borrow money, fine. Borrow my car? Sure. But I'm sorry, my uterus is off limits!
: Delilah, I thought you would've caught on by now. When Mother Buchanan treats any of us to a fancy meal, it's only to get us to do things for her. Vivian
: Yeah, hasn't she ever done that to you? Delilah
: Well now that you mention it, once she bought me a frozen yogurt and I wound up painting her garage! Vivian
: Everyone has their price... but who would've thought yours would be so low?
: Oh, it must be so much fun being pregnant! Just sitting around all day glowing, painting puffy clouds on the nursery walls, your husband waiting on you hand and foot. Alex
: Yeah, that's pretty much what it's like.
: She's always saying the meanest things but in a way that almost makes them sound nice. Alexandria 'Alex' Buchanan
: Bree, we understand, we have been dealing with that ever since we married her boys. Being passive-aggressive is Mother Buchanan's specialty. At Roy's and my nineteenth anniversary last year, she made a toast to "my son Roy and his lovely wife whose name escapes me at the moment."
: Ever since we moved in with Mother Buchanan, Jesse hasn't been able to... you know. Alexandria 'Alex' Buchanan
: Bree, I think I speak for all of us when I say I don't know. Bree Buchanan
: Jesse hasn't been able to make love. There's something about being in the same house with his mother that makes him unable to... perform. Delilah Buchanan
: Well sweetie, we've all been there. Alexandria 'Alex' Buchanan
: This hasn't happened to any of us! Delilah Buchanan
: Well, what am I supposed to say? "Sorry you're married to a freak?"
Alexandria 'Alex' Buchanan
: Gee, isn't this your cue to say, "Curses, foiled again?" Mother Emma Buchanan
: Dear, sweet Alexandria, so much wit. So little inheritance.
Mother Emma Buchanan
: I am only looking out for my son's happiness. Why does everyone treat me like some evil, manipulative witch? Delilah Buchanan
: Well, partly it's cuz you're always interfering. And partly it's cuz you're always trying to control everybody. Alexandria 'Alex' Buchanan
: But mostly it's those flying monkeys you keep in your garage.
[Introducing his fiancé, Bree
] Jesse Buchanan
: Isn't she great? I met her on vacation last month at Disneyland. She worked there. Alexandria 'Alex' Buchanan
: Somehow I sensed that.
Alexandria 'Alex' Buchanan
: That woman would qualify for sainthood if weren't for one tiny little thing. Bree Buchanan
: What's that? Alexandria 'Alex' Buchanan
: She's a bitch.
[Mother Buchanan emerges from the bathroom
] Alexandria 'Alex' Buchanan
: That was awfully quick. Mother Emma Buchanan
: I changed my mind. Obviously, you didn't get a chance to clean in there. I'll just wait 'til I get to a Texaco.
: I'll never forgive the two of you for flying Twix out here. Alex
: Her name is Tink. Mother Buchanan
: Tink, Twink, Toto, Tonto - what do I care?
: I hate her. Alex
: How can you hate her? You've known her for a few days. Mother Buchanan
: I'm old. The quicker I hate, the more time I have for my hobbies.
: The hot rumor around town is that Vivian finally has a job, I want to be the first to congratulate her! Alex
: Oh, you're not here to congratulate her. In your entire life, you've done nothing but insult and ridicule her. Mother Buchanan
: Okay, if you insist.
: Oh, I love cheerleading; I was captain of our squad in high school! In fact, my first three years, I was voted "Miss Teen Spirit." Alex
: What happened in your senior year? Bree
: The team stunk, so I quit.